Aside from choosing the right photographer, there are a number of specific things that you can do to support your photographer in doing his or her job really well. I interviewed the following four photographers* for this article and have included photos from each in the slideshow:
Cynthia DelConte
www.dayfornightproductions.com
cynthia@delcontephoto.com
Jean Kallina
www.hudsonvalleyphoto.com
jeankallina@gmail.com
Matt Gillis
www.mattgillis.com
matt@mattgillis.com
Roy Volkmann
www.volkmann-studio.com
info@volkmann-studio.com
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The 2 biggest keys to success are:
• Relax, be natural and have fun. Remember that this is a day to enjoy being with your family and friends to celebrate your marriage. Smile, relax, enjoy, and don’t drink too much. Artificial smiles look artificial. If you tend to be nervous or particularly self-conscious, address that by doing whatever relaxes you best other than drugs or alcohol. Consider meditating, having a body or facial massage, a yoga class, or going for a run ahead of time.
• Get really great and professional hair and makeup. Even if you want a natural look, there is a specialized kind of makeup for photography. For example, you do not want makeup with mica in it because it makes you look sweaty. Be sure to do a test run for your hair and makeup and have pictures taken then to see if there is anything you want to change. Also, hire your hair and makeup people for the day of your wedding so they can do touch ups as needed. Be sure to ask your photographer for hair and makeup recommendations – they know who to use and who to avoid.
Here are the other great recommendations these photographers made:
• Create a timeline with your photographer. This is not the same thing as a timeline you set with your bridal consultant, location coordinator, or your hair and makeup people. The photographer’s timeline is specifically designed to ensure that you will get the balance you want between formal and informal shots and that you are being realistic about your preferences and priorities, and the tradeoffs that you are making. Keep your group portrait shots to a minimum and be very selective about your list of “must have shots.” Don’t over plan the photographer’s shots. Give your photographer the freedom to do what he or she does best – let the candid shots tell the real story of your wedding day. A great, experienced photographer knows how to schedule the day so it goes with ease and yields great pictures. Seek and follow your photographer’s advice.
• Consider the pros and cons of a first reveal.
Pros:
o If the ceremony is late in the day, then you have time to do all your family portraits outdoors earlier in the day and not miss your own cocktail hour when you would otherwise be doing these shots.
Cons:
o First reveal shots are always somewhat contrived – if the groom doesn’t look absolutely thrilled to see what the bride is wearing, the pictures may be unfortunate.
o You are likely to be taking your group pictures during the hottest part of the day in bad lighting.
o When group pictures are taken before the ceremony, everyone is likely to be wound up and not as relaxed as after the ceremony.
o A first reveal shot forfeits the thrill of that one moment when the bride walks down the aisle and everyone sees her for the first time. As an officiant, this is one of my personal favorite moments – watching the groom as his bride appears.
• Don’t forget about feeding your photographer and other vendors. Your photographer is constantly on duty and puts in a very long day. Schedule time and a comfortable place for your vendors to sit, relax, and have a meal – preferably at the same time as your guests are eating. Be good to your vendors and make sure that you are paying for and getting full plated meals for them from the venue.
• 2 considerations about getting ready pictures. If you want pictures of getting ready – have someone on hand to clean the room up so it doesn’t look chaotic and unsightly. Also, be realistic in terms of what you ask for and what you are paying for. For example, you can’t have shots of both parties getting ready without a second shooter.
• Avoid serving cocktails before the ceremony. Glasses and beer bottles inevitably end up in your ceremony pictures. Also, alcohol before the ceremony sends a mixed message by prematurely creating a party atmosphere.
• Have an unplugged wedding. Have someone make an announcement for your guests to turn off their cellphones before the wedding ceremony and to refrain from taking pictures during the event. You are spending big money on a professional photographer who is often blocked from capturing great shots because guests are holding phones in the air or sticking them out into the aisle. This means the photographer doesn’t get the shot, and instead gets a picture of the guests taking pictures.
• Do not use a stand-up microphone to amplify the couple and officiant. A stand-up mic can be an eyesore in an otherwise gorgeous shot. Besides being unattractive, it rarely gives satisfactory results. Most couples are nervous, few have any experience with how close they have to place their mouth to the mic, and there is no time to gracefully change the height of the mic as needed. All this adds up to awkwardness and uneven amplification at best. A far better solution is to have good quality lapel mics for the officiant and the groom.
• Anticipate potential problems your decorations might create. Sometimes, in an effort to make the ceremony site more interesting and festive, photographic challenges can be created. For example, I have often done battle with floral decorations on an arch that poked me in the head or face. These decorations can also cast shadows on the participants’ faces. The same can be true with a huppah. Large floral bouquets placed in front of the wedding party can block the view of guests or cut off great angles for the photographer.
• Take advantage of gorgeous lighting. The best natural lighting for pictures is when it is overcast, late afternoon, or at sunrise or a half hour before sunset – the golden hour. High noon casts shadows rather than light on faces. If the dinner hour happens to be when the sun is setting, consider taking some relaxed, reflective photos of the two of you at a distance just being together.
• Make sure your photographer and videographer coordinate. If you are going to have a videographer, ask your photographer for a recommendation. They know who they will be able to work most easily with and who they have had difficulties with in the past. Some videographers are unconscious of their effect on the photographer and can be fighting for the same pictures rather than knowing how to stay out of each other’s way. Videographers sometimes have cameras set up all over the place that interfere with the photographer’s ability to be in the moment trying to get the shot. As an officiant, I have been troubled by the lights some videographers shine directly in my eyes, preventing me from being able to make eye contact with the couple and guests.
The same issue applies if your DJ has people taking pictures to put up on screens. This might not only be a nuisance for your photographer but a violation of his or her contract as well. From a photographer’s point of view, DJ’s often bring cheap lighting, such as laser lights that cast little dots all over the faces of the couple and guests. This gives the photographer no choice but to shoot pictures in black and white only. Color lighting used by a videographer or DJ can be disastrous for the photographer as well. Magenta lighting, for example, makes people look like they are hemorrhaging. Ask your photographer and videographer to come up with a joint plan so both their needs can be met.
• Pacing of the processional and recessional is important. If you want your photographer to be able to get good shots of everyone coming up and down the aisle, a good rule of thumb is to have each person wait for the person or couple in front of them to pass the first or last row of guests before taking their turn.
• The larger your wedding party, the more important it is to have a rehearsal. The chaos and confusion that is apparent when there has not been a good rehearsal shows up in all your pictures.
• No one is invisible when the cameras are around. Here are some specific tidbits of advice:
o Stand up straight, be as natural as possible, smile, and be alert.
o Make sure no one is wearing transition lenses or sunglasses.
o Have bridesmaids all hold their flowers at belly button height.
o Give groomsmen specific directions of what to do with their hands (my personal favorite is behind their back – holding hands folded in front communicates sexual insecurity in non-verbal communication).
• Consider having ceremony pictures with and without the bridal bouquet. You spend a lot for your flowers, so it’s nice to have a few ceremony pictures with them. Just have the officiant cue you after the first or second ceremony segment to pass off your flowers so you and your partner can then hold hands.
• Have someone make a final check of the aisle just before the ceremony is about to begin. This allows for asking people to move anything they have in the aisle that will otherwise show up in all your pictures. If a wheelchair is needed for someone, be sure that during the ceremony it is not left near the aisle.
• Don’t use an aisle runner. They always wrinkle and only work if they look perfect and they are never perfect. Furthermore, most of them are white and stand out glaringly in your aisle shots.
• Foster direct communication between your vendors as needed. Be sensitive to the fact that there are politics and past experiences coloring the relationships among vendors. Some wedding planners do not allow direct communication between vendors. Everything must go through them. This can work against your best interests as wedding planners aren’t always knowledgeable or sensitive to all the considerations that affect a vendor’s ability to do a great job for you.
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The Top 5 Things to Do When a Loved One Is Dying
I have far more I’d like to say on this topic than can be contained in a single post. So I will summarize my top five here and do follow-up articles on each of the five in the future series, What To Do When A Loved One Is Dying: Parts 1-5.
1. Don’t assume you are supposed to know what to do.
We live in a death-denying culture that has a hard time even saying the word “death.” Needless to say, we are not taught how to face our own death or that of a loved one, and are likely to panic in death’s presence. Or at the very least, we’re likely to be ill at ease because we don’t know what to do or not do. So start by recognizing this state of affairs, and don’t pressure yourself to “do it right.” When someone you love is dying, it’s okay to be a mess — just try not to dump your mess on others — especially the one who is dying.
This goes for others as well. No two people are going to respond the same way and most will be woefully unprepared and unskilled at dealing with the situation. This will not, however, stop some from shirking their responsibility or being self-appointed bullies demanding that others follow their lead.
Lead with your heart — keep your love flowing with the dying person and others as well — if possible. Nothing is more important than loving each other. Do your best and then some.
2. Make it a priority to demonstrate your love for the person who is dying.
The fact that your loved one is dying can be overwhelming and scary. Do your best not to let that get in the way of keeping your love alive as you see them off on their journey into the unknown territory of death. Love them up, down and sideways, but don’t make a big deal about it — just let your love flow and watch for little things that you can do to be of service to them. If you enter your loved one’s room and say something like, “Your color looks good today,” when you both know he or she is dying, your real communication says, “I can’t handle this and need to pretend it isn’t happening.” Be honest. Be authentic. Be you. It’s okay to let them see your fear and distress, but don’t let that overshadow your love. Express your gratitude to them for the ways they enriched your life, share happy memories and yes, do say goodbye — but do it tenderly. Don’t be afraid to touch the dying. Nothing communicates our love more than holding hands and stroking our loved one’s hair.
Tailor your efforts according to the time available. Respect the fact that time can be very short from hearing the prognosis to the actual time of death. One of my personal pet peeves is when people are inconvenienced by the news, as though their loved one should have checked on their availability rather than having the audacity to sound the red alert at an inopportune moment. When your mother has a 50/50 chance of making it through the night, you don’t show up four days later!
3. Respect the authority of the dying to make his or her own decisions.
The person who is dying is the boss. If they are conscious enough to be making their own decisions — don’t bully them into doing things your way. Just as sure as you are that your way is right for you, know that their way is right for them no matter how different it is from your own. If someone holding a healthcare proxy is in charge, his or her authority is to be equally respected. Ideally, each of us gets our ducks in a row before our dying time. In reality, most do not. As a result, a lot of financial, legal, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual life-or-death decisions get made in a hurry, at the last minute. This can cause a lot of chaos, confusion, conflict and mixed up emotions among family and loved ones. Do your best to quickly align yourself with the wishes of the dying. It is their death, not yours.
4. Accept that he or she is dying. Don’t fight against it.
It’s fine to hope that things will turn around and death will be postponed. However, if death is what is happening, it helps enormously to accept that fact. We are taught to fight against death like it is an evil monster. In fact, death is as normal as birth — we just haven’t been trained to see it that way. I find it sad when doctors and loved ones subject the dying to endless invasive drugs, tests and procedures when it is obvious that it is time to die. I am an enthusiastic supporter of hospice care for the dying.
Each of us is born one moment of one day, we die one moment of another day and have an unknown number of days to live in between. Make the most of the time you and your loved one have left together. Fill it with tenderness and be of loving service to their wishes and needs. Give them a good send off.
5. Contribute to maintaining a peaceful environment.
When someone is dying, they have enough to do handling their own process, which might include physical pain, fear, emotional turmoil, confusion, regrets, etc. Assume that any discord in their environment will add to their load and be unkind on the part of those causing it. Even if the dying person is seemingly unconscious, assume he or she can hear and be affected by everything that happens around them. If family members are squabbling, take it outside of the room. Consider the dying room a sacred space where only love and comforting activities are allowed unless the dying person requests otherwise.
Just give your loved one the best send off possible leaving no regrets.
When Loved Ones Aren’t Very Loving
With the holiday season approaching, this is a good time to take stock of our own behavior in relation to our loved ones. For many of us, gathering with our families and friends for holidays, weddings, funerals and other events is a dreaded experience. Unless we have deeply worked on our own personal growth and/or been blessed with a truly loving and nurturing family, childhood dynamics and family dysfunctions tend to rule the day.
If this is true for you, ask yourself these questions. What role do you tend to play in these dramas? Are you consistently kind to everyone? Or, do you reject certain ones and favor others? Do you hold grudges that have been festering for years. Or are you one who stands by pretending not to see the elephant in the room – one that has perhaps been there for many, many years. Do you strive to truly demonstrate loving kindness for everyone there? In what ways do you contribute to the discord? Do you see yourself as a helpless and innocent victim? Are you someone who thinks you are somehow better than everyone else? What kind of attitude and behaviors do you contribute?
In many families at least one giant elephant of discord sits in the room and there is a silent conspiracy that everyone participates in pretending not to see it or to do anything to get rid of it. Perhaps there is a drug-addicted child, or an alcoholic parent, or a nasty, judgmental sister, a boring uncle, a nerd, or someone you hold a grudge against.
If this kind of thing is true of your family or among your circle of friends, is there something you might do to contribute to healing the situation rather than going along with the same old dysfunctional dynamic? It takes courage to go against the tide – to name the elephant and to initiate efforts to get it out of the room. But, consider the alternative of letting things continue to fester and foregoing the possibility of having a mutually respectful and enjoyable time together.
Consider the following example. I know one family with two sisters and a brother in the middle who have put up with the older sister’s judgments and rejection of the younger sister for decades. Every family gathering is tainted by what Louis Auchincloss so aptly describes as “all the while scarlet thoughts, putrid fantasies, and no love” fills the air. What appears to be happening is that the elder sister feels that her disdain is justified by her judgments of her sister. The brother maintains separate relationships with his sisters and tries to be a good sport and peacemaker gathering everyone together as though unconscious of the feud. Meanwhile, the younger sister having suffered through years of these gatherings, and after making numerous attempts to talk to her sister about healing the discord between them, has withdrawn from family gatherings.
If this kind of drama sounds familiar to you, consider what you might do differently and what is at stake. Why should everyone have to suffer because someone doesn’t like one of the family or group of friends? Why not challenge that person either privately or publicly and let them know that their behavior has negative consequences for everyone else involved? Why not go on record as being unwilling to support this kind of behavior in the future? Ask the person what they are making more important then loving one another. Or, perhaps you could let the apparent victim know that you care about their wellbeing and do not approve of the aggressor’s behavior. The term ‘loved ones’ implies special status – our inner circle. Yet, some of us are kinder to total strangers than to those with whom we share our lives.
As adults we are each responsible and accountable for what we create, promote, and allow in our lives and how our behavior affects others – no matter how justifiable we believe our attitudes and behaviors to be. At the end of the day, we are either contributing to more loving kindness for all involved or more distress and discord. Is there something you might do differently next time to make nothing more important that being loving and kind to one another?
Can You Trust Yourself?
Trust is an interesting concept — and far more exciting as an action. Trusting yourself involves the willingness and confidence to rely on your own integrity, abilities, and character to meet the challenges of a particular experience, or all of life for that matter. For me, trust is not only a psychological factor, but has a spiritual component as well because God is very much a part of my worldview.
I believe that the ultimate gamble with the greatest potential gain in life is to trust yourself and that in so doing, you gain a level of freedom, authenticity, and peace that is unreachable any other way. Trust requires living in your own skin, recognizing your own authority as the very best arbiter of what is for you and what is not. We may have learned as children to trust and rely upon the authority of others to tell us what to do and when to do it. But there is a profound and authentic inner voice that lies dormant within us all until we start to listen to it and recognize its ability to express our deepest truth and to guide us with the most precise discernment of what will serve our highest good — whether we like it or not. Some call this their “inner” or “true” self, and some suggest this is the spark of the divine that resides in each of us. Either way, just as with physical exercise we are trained to strengthen our core muscles, we must strengthen this core self as well by exercising its voice. That’s how we learn to trust ourselves. Otherwise, we remain at the effect of external sources of authority and simply react to them, usually with the intention of getting their approval or affecting their perception of us in some way.
In my second doctoral dissertation, I focused on the topic of trust because I had become profoundly aware of the fact that whenever I felt out of balance, the bottom line was that I wasn’t trusting myself. As I explored the internal wiring of my consciousness, I discovered something remarkable — my lack of self-trust was so fundamental to my way of being that I was living my life built upon the intention of avoiding pain and suffering. I knew that it was fairly normal to minimize our distress, but my behavior was an all-encompassing way of being whereby I sought to anticipate and avoid perceived sources of suffering.
There was an ironic and fundamental flaw in my approach. In my effort to achieve greater happiness by avoiding pain and suffering, I was actually attracting them to me by focusing upon them rather than on the happiness I sought. I was equating happiness with an absence of pain. In fact, our minds act like great magnets attracting to us what we focus upon, which in turn makes our intentions and focal points self-fulfilling prophecies.
Inherent in my approach was the fact that I neither trusted myself nor God, and so I played God by attempting to write the script of my life. I recognized this as the most pivotal shift I needed to make in my consciousness to improve my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being, and I wanted the joy, ease, grace, and abundance that it would bring forth in my life.
So, what about you?
Do you trust yourself?
Do you tend to live at the effect of people and events outside yourself?
Or, alternatively, do you experience yourself as capable of living your life with all its unanticipated twists and turns?
Here are three keys that really helped me make this wonderful transformation of my inner experience. First, I practiced keeping my consciousness focused in the present moment until that became a good habit. This replaced my previous habit of worrying so much about the future. It empowered me to take appropriate action in the only time frame that affords us that opportunity — the present.
Secondly, I observed myself and developed a list of my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual experiences and expressions during the presence or absence of trust in my consciousness. Creating this list helped me to recognize what it looks like and feels like to be trusting — to put flesh on the bones of the concept of trust. For example, I noticed that when I was experiencing trust, I was physically relaxed, comfortable, open, with fluid and graceful movements. In contrast, when lacking trust, I became rigid, tense, stressed, and pushed others away. Mentally, I was not feeling attached to my point of view, worrying, judging others, or avoiding anything. Instead, I was paying attention to what was present and cooperating with it. Emotionally, trust allowed me to go with the flow, confident that I could meet whatever came my way. This was an enormous contrast to my previous experience of anger, fear, agitation, resistance to whatever I did not like, and doubting my ability to be happy in life. Spiritually, trust brought an attunement to the highest good of all concerned and the desire to surrender to “God’s way” rather than demanding “my way.” Rather than playing God, I learned to recognize God’s wisdom and presence in my life.
Finally, I practiced, practiced, and practiced doing more of the things that brought greater trust, and breaking the habit of doing those that did not. I came to believe that there is nothing “wrong” that I have to try to fix. I discovered that trusting is about letting go of “should”s, “have to”s, demands, expectations, fears, illusions, and delusions. The more I surrendered into trust, the more it became my automatic response. Rather than closing down and retreating in response to pain and suffering, I built skills in experiencing them and learning from them. This built my openness and trust that God’s infinite wisdom is present at all times — not just in the experiences that I like.
Giving Yourself a Basic Education About Funeral Planning NOW
If you had to plan a funeral for a loved one tomorrow, would you know what to do and what not to do? Most of us are woefully unprepared when faced with this task and must do so while grieving the loss of someone for whom we care deeply. So, consider investing a mere half hour of your time NOW so when the time comes, you can rise to the occasion with your wits about you.
If you are lucky, when called upon to actually plan a funeral or memorial, the deceased will have already pre-planned the funeral and all you will have to do is contact the funeral home and they will take it from there. Unfortunately, only about 25% of funerals are pre-planned according to the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA). http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2013/05/29/funeral-pre-planning/2370935/ So, in the vast majority of cases, you are on your own to figure out how to honor the deceased.
No matter what kind of ritual or ceremony you deem appropriate, in most states you will be required to retain the services of a funeral director at the very least to transport the body from the place of death to whatever comes next. Laws differ from state to state, so it’s important to know the laws involved. Matters can be further complicated if the deceased needs to be moved from one state to another.
In the old model of funeral planning, we would appear on the doorstep of the funeral home in our grief and rely on the funeral director to guide us through our decision-making. That’s a pretty vulnerable situation to be in making such tender-hearted and financially significant decisions. Under such circumstances, it is not uncommon to overspend in an effort to prove the depth of our love for the deceased. Not knowing what decisions need to be made, we are likely to think we ought not forego anything that “most people do” whether it suits our needs and pocketbook or not.
Planning can get very complicated, very stressful, and very expensive, very fast. Funerals are an expensive proposition. The NFDA estimates the average cost of a funeral in the US, including a burial vault, to be $8,343. http://nfda.org/about-funeral-service-/trends-and-statistics.html So, it pays to be a well-informed consumer before you start contacting funeral directors.
Here are a few free online resources that are well worth a visit before actually making plans with a funeral director.
http://www.imsorrytohear.com offers complimentary funeral planning tools and advice to help us be more savvy consumers of funeral-related products. Here are some of the highlights of what they offer:
-They are in the process of rolling out a directory of all the funeral homes in the US and Canada. To date, information is online for 17 states and is projected to include all US states by year-end. Simply enter your zip code, city/state, or add personal preferences such as religion or services offered and the site will tell you what funeral homes meet your needs and display reviews left from prior customers. Not all listings are comprehensive yet, but those that are include license status, ownership (corporate vs. Independent), religious/cultural offerings, a list of services offered, the funeral director’s name, and professional associations. Eventually, this site will also include Canadian funeral providers, pricing, and other funeral vendors that can assist with other aspects of end-of-life planning. This is an invaluable resource for comparing the offerings of potential funeral homes side by side.
-A comprehensive and downloadable funeral planning checklist guides you through the information and decisions you will need to address before, during, and after the funeral. This includes a copy of the Funeral Rule enforced by the Federal Trade Commission, which details our rights as consumers of funeral products and services.
-A casket guide that details the various options and price ranges of caskets.
-A description of key consumer advocacy groups.
-Contact information for state funeral planning boards that regulate the licensure and practice of funeral directors and embalmers.
-Funeral planning tips and educational articles.
www.Efuneral.com While the name does not imply it, this site offers comprehensive resources for end-of-life planning such as legalities (including wills, trusts, and advance healthcare directives); caregiving, hospice and palliative care services; facing dementia and terminal illnesses; and grieving as well as funeral planning resources. In terms of funeral planning, the site offers:
-A detailed funeral arrangements guide
-A funeral planning tool that allows you to comparison shop different funeral homes, browse reviews, and manage your planning budget.
-An archive of articles and videos on the various topics covered by the site.
-Advise and tips on such topics as estate planning, saving money on funeral expenses, helping a loved one through sickness, or broaching the subject of end-of-life care with elderly parents.
www.funeralwise.com/Funeral–Planning claims to offer you everything you need to know about funerals and planning, including:
-A step-by-step online funeral planning guide detailing who to call when the death occurs; arranging for transporting the deceased; planning the funeral and cremation or burial; and post-funeral matters.
-An explanation of funeral customs by ethnicity, culture, and religion.
-A description of funeral etiquette for various circumstances and situations.
-Guidance for dealing with grief.
-A search tool to find funeral homes and cemeteries by geographic location to comparison shop
-A guide to pet loss
-A store that offers sympathy bouquets, memorial items, books, and music.
When researching online resources for funeral planning pay close attention to the vested interest of the site. For example, while the above are fundamentally educational sites, others are sponsored by online retailers or individual funeral homes. So, always consider the source.
I encourage you to take the time NOW to research these and other websites so you are prepared someday when you least expect to need them. This brief education will go a long way to prepare you to step up when called upon to actually plan a funeral or memorial to honor one of your loved ones.
The Grace Project: Transforming Our Ideal of Female Beauty
There is not a woman in this country who has been immune to the experience of finding herself falling short of the commercial, albeit airbrushed, ideal of female beauty that bombards us every day. Comparing ourselves to this unreal standard of beauty gives us a sense of being unworthy, a failure, unable to measure up. Many women live with an insidious undercurrent of self-loathing as a result. Many dread seeing a picture of themselves or trying on a bathing suit or undressing before a new lover. Women are encouraged to live with a belief that we are not, and will never be, beautiful unless we “fix” our “imperfections” through diet, exercise, surgery, or Spanx.
Isis Charise, a photographer in Kingston, NY and the founder of The Grace Project, is doing her part to change all that. She has a way of photographing women of all shapes, sizes, ages, and ethnicities that provides a doorway for them to access a connection within themselves through which they are able to recognize themselves as beautiful women. Isis facilitates their process of taking ownership of and embodying a deeper, perennial, and more authentic kind of beauty.
In the Grace Project, Isis is bringing her transformational photography to women who have had mastectomies — giving them permission to see themselves as beautiful and whole. She offers her subjects two very powerful metaphors that allow them to see themselves through new eyes. Referencing the Venice de Milo, Isis reminds the women she photographs that this sculpture became even more beautiful after losing its arms to the trauma of history. The other metaphor she shares is the Japanese art of kintsugi, meaning “golden joinery” whereby the cracks of a broken bowl are filled with gold dust and adhesive. Symbolically, the point is not to try to restore something to “as good as new” but rather to incorporate the brokenness into enhanced beauty that is “better than new.” Isis’ subjects are liberated from society’s standard of beauty and are able to see the brokenness of their bodies in a way that has given them a greater power, peacefulness, and beauty.
A recent exhibit of the Grace Project images at the Greene County Council for the Arts demonstrated that these images are also transformational for the viewer. One of the gallery employees shared the story of a burly man who walked into the gallery and was brought to tears by these images. His mother had recently had a double mastectomy and he had never seen what it had done to her body. Several weeks later, his mother ended up in hospital and he was called upon to care for her and dress her. He came back into the gallery to thank them because had he not seen Isis’ images he would never have been prepared to help his mother in such an intimate and nurturing way.
Another man viewing these images said that at first he didn’t even notice that these women’s breasts were scarred or missing. He was captivated by the power of each woman’s presence and initially just saw beautiful pictures of beautiful women.
One of Isis’ subjects is a 58-year old woman currently living with Stage 4 metastatic Breast Cancer. She spoke of her experience facing a bilateral mastectomy. “I had no idea what my body would look like after surgery or what would happen to my body. Someone told me about Isis’s work and I looked at these images of women who looked at peace with their bodies whether they had reconstructed or not. It opened up for me the option of not having reconstructive surgery. I could choose to save my life doing this. I could picture that I would be a whole person afterwards.” On one level, she now views her cancer as a gift saying “somehow through this journey I have reconnected to the part of myself that is the most melike when I was ten or eleven or in my 20s. I have arrived in a powerful place through this journey and the choice to forego reconstruction.”
Another woman wrote to Isis referencing the fact that during her photo shoot she had been referring to her Frankenboob. Seeing her photographs, she had come to realize that her breast sacrificed itself so she could have however many years she has left, and vowed to never use that derogatory term again.
Barbara Sarah is a 21-year Breast Cancer survivor who acknowledged we have come a long way from back in the day when “a breast was only something on a chicken or turkey or robin. It was not a word that we used. Now “breast” has become part of the vocabulary and visually what Isis is doing is dealing with the taboo about looking and witnessing.” Barbara, like many Breast Cancer survivors, has devoted herself to serve others. Nineteen years ago, she founded what is now known as the Oncology Support Program of HealthAlliance of the Hudson Valley in New York. The philosophical underpinnings of this group are rooted in Japanese Buddhist psychology focused on being grounded in living in the now, paying attention, being grateful, and living fully in the moment. “I thought that would be a great philosophy for working with cancer patients,” Barbara said. “It’s not just talking about cancer, it’s about how do you live a life with meaning and purpose?”
I am not a woman dealing with Breast Cancer. However, my relationship with my body has been profoundly uplifted by seeing these images. I hope they will give you a better appreciation for how important it is that a woman’s sense of wholeness and beauty come from within her and not be diminished by false external standards.
The images of the Grace Project have the potential to be the new and healthy faces we put on Breast Cancer. Please visit and “like” the Grace website and Facebook.
The Grace Project: Breast Cancer Portraits
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The project is a not-for-profit 501c3 under the “Artspire” program of the New York Foundation for the Arts.
I invite your generosity.
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Please spread the word and help these images and the Grace Project go viral. What a wonderful gift to us all this holiday season — especially these brave women who have shared their images.
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If you would like to know more about me, please visit my website at http://www.judithjohnson.com
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Note: All images in the slide show and video have been provided by Isis Charise who has received a signed model release from all of the women appearing in the photographs.
How to Get the Best Wedding Pictures
Aside from choosing the right photographer, there are a number of specific things that you can do to support your photographer in doing his or her job really well. I interviewed the following four photographers* for this article and have included photos from each in the slideshow:
Cynthia DelConte
www.dayfornightproductions.com
cynthia@delcontephoto.com
Jean Kallina
www.hudsonvalleyphoto.com
jeankallina@gmail.com
Matt Gillis
www.mattgillis.com
matt@mattgillis.com
Roy Volkmann
www.volkmann-studio.com
info@volkmann-studio.com
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The 2 biggest keys to success are:
• Relax, be natural and have fun. Remember that this is a day to enjoy being with your family and friends to celebrate your marriage. Smile, relax, enjoy, and don’t drink too much. Artificial smiles look artificial. If you tend to be nervous or particularly self-conscious, address that by doing whatever relaxes you best other than drugs or alcohol. Consider meditating, having a body or facial massage, a yoga class, or going for a run ahead of time.
• Get really great and professional hair and makeup. Even if you want a natural look, there is a specialized kind of makeup for photography. For example, you do not want makeup with mica in it because it makes you look sweaty. Be sure to do a test run for your hair and makeup and have pictures taken then to see if there is anything you want to change. Also, hire your hair and makeup people for the day of your wedding so they can do touch ups as needed. Be sure to ask your photographer for hair and makeup recommendations – they know who to use and who to avoid.
Here are the other great recommendations these photographers made:
• Create a timeline with your photographer. This is not the same thing as a timeline you set with your bridal consultant, location coordinator, or your hair and makeup people. The photographer’s timeline is specifically designed to ensure that you will get the balance you want between formal and informal shots and that you are being realistic about your preferences and priorities, and the tradeoffs that you are making. Keep your group portrait shots to a minimum and be very selective about your list of “must have shots.” Don’t over plan the photographer’s shots. Give your photographer the freedom to do what he or she does best – let the candid shots tell the real story of your wedding day. A great, experienced photographer knows how to schedule the day so it goes with ease and yields great pictures. Seek and follow your photographer’s advice.
• Consider the pros and cons of a first reveal.
Pros:
o If the ceremony is late in the day, then you have time to do all your family portraits outdoors earlier in the day and not miss your own cocktail hour when you would otherwise be doing these shots.
Cons:
o First reveal shots are always somewhat contrived – if the groom doesn’t look absolutely thrilled to see what the bride is wearing, the pictures may be unfortunate.
o You are likely to be taking your group pictures during the hottest part of the day in bad lighting.
o When group pictures are taken before the ceremony, everyone is likely to be wound up and not as relaxed as after the ceremony.
o A first reveal shot forfeits the thrill of that one moment when the bride walks down the aisle and everyone sees her for the first time. As an officiant, this is one of my personal favorite moments – watching the groom as his bride appears.
• Don’t forget about feeding your photographer and other vendors. Your photographer is constantly on duty and puts in a very long day. Schedule time and a comfortable place for your vendors to sit, relax, and have a meal – preferably at the same time as your guests are eating. Be good to your vendors and make sure that you are paying for and getting full plated meals for them from the venue.
• 2 considerations about getting ready pictures. If you want pictures of getting ready – have someone on hand to clean the room up so it doesn’t look chaotic and unsightly. Also, be realistic in terms of what you ask for and what you are paying for. For example, you can’t have shots of both parties getting ready without a second shooter.
• Avoid serving cocktails before the ceremony. Glasses and beer bottles inevitably end up in your ceremony pictures. Also, alcohol before the ceremony sends a mixed message by prematurely creating a party atmosphere.
• Have an unplugged wedding. Have someone make an announcement for your guests to turn off their cellphones before the wedding ceremony and to refrain from taking pictures during the event. You are spending big money on a professional photographer who is often blocked from capturing great shots because guests are holding phones in the air or sticking them out into the aisle. This means the photographer doesn’t get the shot, and instead gets a picture of the guests taking pictures.
• Do not use a stand-up microphone to amplify the couple and officiant. A stand-up mic can be an eyesore in an otherwise gorgeous shot. Besides being unattractive, it rarely gives satisfactory results. Most couples are nervous, few have any experience with how close they have to place their mouth to the mic, and there is no time to gracefully change the height of the mic as needed. All this adds up to awkwardness and uneven amplification at best. A far better solution is to have good quality lapel mics for the officiant and the groom.
• Anticipate potential problems your decorations might create. Sometimes, in an effort to make the ceremony site more interesting and festive, photographic challenges can be created. For example, I have often done battle with floral decorations on an arch that poked me in the head or face. These decorations can also cast shadows on the participants’ faces. The same can be true with a huppah. Large floral bouquets placed in front of the wedding party can block the view of guests or cut off great angles for the photographer.
• Take advantage of gorgeous lighting. The best natural lighting for pictures is when it is overcast, late afternoon, or at sunrise or a half hour before sunset – the golden hour. High noon casts shadows rather than light on faces. If the dinner hour happens to be when the sun is setting, consider taking some relaxed, reflective photos of the two of you at a distance just being together.
• Make sure your photographer and videographer coordinate. If you are going to have a videographer, ask your photographer for a recommendation. They know who they will be able to work most easily with and who they have had difficulties with in the past. Some videographers are unconscious of their effect on the photographer and can be fighting for the same pictures rather than knowing how to stay out of each other’s way. Videographers sometimes have cameras set up all over the place that interfere with the photographer’s ability to be in the moment trying to get the shot. As an officiant, I have been troubled by the lights some videographers shine directly in my eyes, preventing me from being able to make eye contact with the couple and guests.
The same issue applies if your DJ has people taking pictures to put up on screens. This might not only be a nuisance for your photographer but a violation of his or her contract as well. From a photographer’s point of view, DJ’s often bring cheap lighting, such as laser lights that cast little dots all over the faces of the couple and guests. This gives the photographer no choice but to shoot pictures in black and white only. Color lighting used by a videographer or DJ can be disastrous for the photographer as well. Magenta lighting, for example, makes people look like they are hemorrhaging. Ask your photographer and videographer to come up with a joint plan so both their needs can be met.
• Pacing of the processional and recessional is important. If you want your photographer to be able to get good shots of everyone coming up and down the aisle, a good rule of thumb is to have each person wait for the person or couple in front of them to pass the first or last row of guests before taking their turn.
• The larger your wedding party, the more important it is to have a rehearsal. The chaos and confusion that is apparent when there has not been a good rehearsal shows up in all your pictures.
• No one is invisible when the cameras are around. Here are some specific tidbits of advice:
o Stand up straight, be as natural as possible, smile, and be alert.
o Make sure no one is wearing transition lenses or sunglasses.
o Have bridesmaids all hold their flowers at belly button height.
o Give groomsmen specific directions of what to do with their hands (my personal favorite is behind their back – holding hands folded in front communicates sexual insecurity in non-verbal communication).
• Consider having ceremony pictures with and without the bridal bouquet. You spend a lot for your flowers, so it’s nice to have a few ceremony pictures with them. Just have the officiant cue you after the first or second ceremony segment to pass off your flowers so you and your partner can then hold hands.
• Have someone make a final check of the aisle just before the ceremony is about to begin. This allows for asking people to move anything they have in the aisle that will otherwise show up in all your pictures. If a wheelchair is needed for someone, be sure that during the ceremony it is not left near the aisle.
• Don’t use an aisle runner. They always wrinkle and only work if they look perfect and they are never perfect. Furthermore, most of them are white and stand out glaringly in your aisle shots.
• Foster direct communication between your vendors as needed. Be sensitive to the fact that there are politics and past experiences coloring the relationships among vendors. Some wedding planners do not allow direct communication between vendors. Everything must go through them. This can work against your best interests as wedding planners aren’t always knowledgeable or sensitive to all the considerations that affect a vendor’s ability to do a great job for you.
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Do You Have a Healthy Attitude About Death?
Steve Jobs’ last words, spoken with great delight, were, “Oh wow! Oh wow! Oh wow!” What was he seeing? Perhaps what those returning from near-death experiences consistently report — a sense of moving through a dark tunnel beckoned by a compelling bright light, feelings of peace and well-being, the knowledge of being outside of the body, what some call an intense feeling of unconditional love, and encounters with beings of light. This piercing of the veil of “the other side” unwaveringly suggests that “passing over” is a beautiful experience.
In stark contrast to these images, we live with a cultural consciousness about death that personifies it as “the Grim Reaper” or “the Angel of Death.” Not knowing when or how our time will come, many live in fear of the unknown and uncontrollable aspects of death with a sense of a foreboding encounter with darkness and evil. Nowhere is this more vividly demonstrated than in an Internet image search of the word “death” that yields haunting black-and-white images of skulls, crossbones, and the Grim Reaper. I encourage you to take a moment and do an image search now. These portrayals demonstrate the power of the death taboo on both our conscious and unconscious awareness.
Among the top 10 images, several date back to artwork from the 1300s during the Black Plague when half the European population was wiped out. The plague was considered a form of punishment by God. Symbolically representing death — with depictions of skeletons, skulls, and crossbones — was a common way of mocking it in order to reduce feelings of helplessness and anxiety. People wore these death symbols on their clothing as a way to fool Death into thinking that they had already been touched and should therefore be left alone. If these images are indeed a valid reflection of the collective consciousness about death today, it is no wonder that so many live in fear of death and treat it like the unspeakable elephant in the room.
As children, we could run to the comfort of our parents with our fears. It is a sad commentary on our society that as adults so many of us silence and suppress our own fears about death’s unknowns, concern about unmanageable pain, the loss of control over one’s own life, and the possibility of being isolated from loved ones at life’s end. Rather than sharing our beliefs, thoughts, fears, and concerns about dying and death, we suffer in silence having no idea how to wrap our brains around the reality of death or to even broach the subject with our loved ones or doctors. Far too many of us, including terminally ill patients, put a smile on our face and silently suffer in emotional isolation. The death taboo interferes with our ability to have a healthy relationship with death.
The good news is that since the 1960s, momentum has been building to transform our culture of death. Among the most apparent changes and influences:
Buoyed by the confluence of these forces, this is an exciting historical moment where matters of our beliefs and values regarding life and death are concerned. Both culturally and individually, we have a great opportunity to rethink our most fundamental definitions of “birth” and “death.” Our physical and spiritual understanding of these terms must be reconciled in the process. Here are some questions to ponder:
Never has there been a time when we had a greater opportunity to reevaluate our beliefs and values regarding life and death and to hold ourselves accountable for the quality of our relationship to both. Let’s talk about this. Please share your thoughts below.
There Are Many Ways to Say “I Love You”
Each February, we are bombarded by commercial proddings to prove our love to our sweetheart with the obligatory greeting card, roses, and candy. For some, the ante is far more expensive and raises year after year. I think the really lucky sweethearts are those who don’t buy into this external pressure, but rather find little ways to express the love they feel inside for their sweetheart and other loved ones as a way of life.
I’m the kind of person who loves spontaneous gestures of affection – a phone call from a friend who is missing me, or a beautiful bouquet of flowers on a random day from my partner just because he knows I will be delighted. Don’t give me an obligatory diamond bracelet. I’d much rather you make it a priority to share quality time together on a regular basis. Stoke the flame of our love and friendship – invest in our relationship by being a caring and thoughtful partner and communicating your love and needs. No amount of money spent can do a better job of warming the cockles of my heart.
It is so easy to be consumed by to do lists, work, and other activities and not have much left for those you claim to love the most. It takes intentional effort in such a complex and busy world to make the expression of your love a priority.
Rather than trying to follow the commercial prescription of how to be a good Valentine, try something new this year. Make a list of the people you love and treasure most in your life and take the time to think about what gift of love would be most meaningful to each of them. Do you have an aging parent or dying friend who might treasure some time with you? Perhaps you have a boss who has been a wonderful mentor and you would like to say “thank you.” Who has given you your most treasured gifts of friendship and love? Do they know how much they mean to you? Don’t make this a one time project, but rather set the intention to improve the quality of your relationships by injecting more of your love into them on an ongoing basis.
There are many ways to say I love you. The best ones rise out of simply paying attention and allowing creative expressions to emerge from your heart. The very best ones touch the other person’s heart – the gift is authentically received. Here’s one of my favorite expressions of “I love you” that I ever experienced.
Hide The Lizard
I don’t recall how the game began. But, I do remember finding the lizard. For several of my mother’s final years, we indulged in a few weeks of beachfront July living on the Jersey shore where we had both vacationed as children. One late afternoon, walking up the beach to the cottage, my feet kicked up a tiny rainbow colored plastic lizard in the sand. With no visible potential child owner in sight, the inner child in me delighted in my newfound treasure and I accelerated my pace up to the house to show my mother.
After returning to our year round home in a renovated barn in the Hudson Valley of New York, the lizard found its first home with us on a small wooden ledge on the first floor. At the time, my mother’s mobility was in a period of marked decline and I took on more and more simple daily activities to compensate as seamlessly as possible. I didn’t want her to do without anything that mattered to her that she could no longer do for herself. But, she was a proud woman, and as with many of us facing physical decline, it was important to her not to be any more of a burden than necessary. While, in my snarkiest of moods, I did feel burdened and impatient, mostly, it was a privilege to care for her. Reluctance to let me know her needs and desires actually made things a bit more challenging for me – not only did I have the new activities to do but, I had to first figure out what they were through careful observation.
There are many ways to show someone your love. Helping my mom with her daily activities was one, but far more important, was tending to her emotions and sense of self-worth and dignity. Little things matter a lot for someone who is facing a loss of autonomy. Hide the Lizard was a spontaneous response to being aware of this with my mom. It was a game that came into existence and survived simply to say, “I love you very, very much.”
And so, Hide the Lizard was born. One of us would hide it somewhere in plain sight on the first floor of our home and notify the other that it was her turn to find it. Sometimes it would be uncanny how something inside you would guide you right to the lizard. Other times, it might take days at feeling increasingly inept at this invented game while being ever more determined to find the damn lizard, knowing it was right out in plain sight. Finding it always brought triumphant delight, shortly followed by the challenge of finding a cleaver new home for the lizard. We giggled, we felt smug when we stumped each other, and thus we comingled our hearts.
There are many ways to say I love you.
I wish you the joy of abundantly expressing your love this Valentine’s Day and every day.
Are You Letting Your Heart Sing?
As a mentor, I often find myself working on the same bottom line with clients — are you letting your heart sing? This is a powerfully loaded question that deserves some unpacking here.
First, let’s look at what it means to let your heart sing. Think of a time or times when you have been in your glory. It could have been a particular meeting, job, relationship, a song you sang, a book you wrote, or just a humble yet essential moment in your daily life. These moments typically engage a person in the flow of creatively expressing something they are deeply passionate about. It’s as though your body, heart, mind, and soul are in a personal harmonic convergence and you can feel your heart smiling. There is a fulfillment — a sating of a piercing hunger that has been building in your soul.
I’ve come to recognize that my heart sings best when I am experiencing a loving oneness with another — whether someone close to me, a client, or a total stranger. For example, I can be walking down the street and have my eyes meet deeply with the eyes of a stranger for the briefest of moments and zoom past all the things that normally prevent such an essential connection from occurring. My heart also sings when I am effectively being of service and when I am able to communicate well. What about you? What makes your heart sing?
Once you have identified one or several strong examples of you at your best, ask yourself some of the following questions:
Notice the question isn’t is your heart singing? It’s are you letting your heart sing? In this crazy world we live in, very few hearts simply sing anymore. It’s not that it is not important, but rather that we are too busy giving our attention to other matters. We need to make our lives conducive to allowing our song to emerge — even within the simple moments of our everyday lives. So, if your heart rarely or never sings, here are some things you might want to do:
There is only one you. So, please give voice to your most beautiful inner song and share it with the rest of us.
A Celebration of Value & Symbolic Wedding Rituals | Judith Johnson Wedding Officiant on Chronogram
I recently spoke with Chronogram on exploring unique ways couples can incorporate their deeper values into their wedding celebrations. Read the full article here.