Does your relationship provide a safe emotional environment for you both?
Are you free to be who you are?
Or, do you edit yourself around your partner to avoid negative reactions?
Do you walk on eggshells around each other?
I used to officiate at a lot of weddings. And, because I also offer couple’s mentoring, my friends often would kid me about a potential conflict of interest. They asked me, “What do you do? Do you say, ‘I now pronounce you husband and wife. And, if you get in trouble, here’s my card.’?”
The sad truth is at least half of couples will end up divorced.
It seems that loving, honoring and cherishing each other is easier said than done. These three promises that we make in our marriage vows are not just nice concepts. They are daily activities. They must be engaged in each and every day to keep a marriage healthy and dynamic.
One of the greatest keys to creating the kind of environment where loving, honoring and cherishing each other will occur is captured in my favorite wedding ring exchange. It symbolizes the true essence of a successful marriage.
Each partner places a ring on the other’s finger only up to the knuckle while pledging his/her love. The recipient takes the ring over the knuckle as acknowledgement of receipt of the gift of the other’s love. In this way, each one declares their awareness that they are both the giver and the receiver of love.
In order for the exchange of love between two people to remain alive and vibrant, four things have to be happening at once. Each partner must openly give his or her love to the other. They also must be open to receive the love of the other.
When these four doors of love are open, both partners feel safe and nurtured in the love they share. It behooves us all to pay far greater attention to the responsibility we have taken on through our promises in the wedding vows. They are not simply pretty words; they represent sacred commitments, and it is important that we keep our promises. We do so, or not, through the choices we make and the behaviors we express moment by moment, day by day, and year after year.
It’s easy to slam one of these symbolic doors shut when our partner disappoints us in some way. When that becomes the normal way we respond to each other, the trust, safety and foundation of the relationship is eroded. In time, alienation, judgments, distancing and hostility replace the love, trust and hopefulness that started the union.
In marriage, two people pledge to be there for each other — as partners and as flawed beings, through both the good times and the bad.
That commitment gets tested by the winds of change, by fate, choices, personal vulnerabilities and circumstances.
Next time your partner does something you don’t like, try doing these four things:
- Separate your reaction to your partner’s behavior from your loving support of the person. Let him or her know why you are disappointed. Let them know how the behavior impacts you and why you find it so upsetting.
- Affirm your love for your partner. Let him or her know that your doors of giving and receiving love are still open. Giving this feedback is part of that loving.
- If necessary, let your partner know that while he or she is welcome in your heart, the particular behavior, if a significant enough issue, may not be welcomed by you. Let them know what the consequences will be of continuing the behavior.
- Invite a discussion of what each of you can do individually and together to move through and past the problem.
If a couple has built a strong enough bond, most anything can be overcome together. Here’s an example: Let’s say you find out that your partner has been having an affair. Once you gather your wits enough to have a civil conversation or to write your partner a letter, try something like this:
I am devastated to find this out, and I hate that you did this to me and to our marriage.
We promised to love, honor and cherish each other, and this behavior is none of those things.
You have broken the deep bond of trust between us, and as a result I do not feel safe with you emotionally or sexually.
Our love is deeper than this behavior.
Know that I love you and that is why I am standing here in front of you, wanting us to find a way through this together.
I need you to know that any continuance of your affair is a further strike on your part against the sanctity of our marriage.
I will not and cannot tolerate that.
If you choose to continue your affair, I will recognize that as your choice to abandon our marriage.
If you choose to end your affair and would like to restore our marriage and work together to rebuild what has been broken, I am here.
You have one week to make your choice.
If you stay in our marriage, I would like us to seek professional help to guide us through the process of finding our way back to each other.
Notice a statement like this could be spoken or written. It addresses all four doors of loving — the giving and receiving of love by both partners. If those four choices are not made, the love will not survive.
What are you doing, or what could you be doing differently to keep the doors of loving open in the relationships in your life?
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The Game of Life
What Game Are You Really Playing?
The Origins of the Metaphor of Life As a Game
Since the 1600s, great thinkers have used the metaphor of life as a game or performance. Shakespeare famously wrote, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” This suggests that real people are like actors assuming alternative identities enacting various dramatic, tragic, and comedic scenarios.
Fast forward to 1925, and metaphysical teacher Florence Scovel Shinn gave the metaphor new spiritual significance in The Game of Life and How to Play It. She suggested that life isn’t random but a purposeful simulation through which souls evolve in a cosmic classroom of sorts. Expanding on this idea, some perceive life on Earth to be a simulation through which souls learn by assuming identities that are not ultimate truths but part of a temporary human experience. In this sense life is intended as a journey in consciousness through which souls learn, evolve, and awaken.
Life As a Game
Much like a game, the journey of a lifetime involves choices, risks, outcomes, and a degree of chance. Indeed, we each make choices that have consequences and inform the possibilities to come. The game of life is a temporary creative process with a beginning and an end. But, unlike a game, our life, once initiated is not optional. We will live it one way or another, even if we choose to end it prematurely.
What is the Nature of Your Game
If life is a game, what kind are you playing?
Are you:
Fighting for survival?
Competing for scarce resources?
Trying to make your dreams come true?
Seeking to expand your conscious awareness?
Awakening spiritually?
How would you describe the game of life that you are playing?
The game you see is the game you play. Some games are built around fear and lack. Others are quests for love, awakening, or understanding. Some perceive the games themselves to be hierarchical as in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. He theorizes that we must meet our basic survival needs before we can entertain other higher pursuits. As we achieve each level of desire and expertise, we gain the ability to perceive and participate in higher games. But not all of us will. Many are content to live life within the purview of the mind and ego pursuing the temporary sating of perceived material and emotional wants and needs.
Or perhaps these games are multidimensional, where several “games” play out at once.
Multidimensional Games
I have come to experience myself as a soul pursuing a spiritual learning agenda while living life through the identity of Judith Johnson.
It has been my experience that I participate to some degree in multiple games simultaneously and to varying degrees. But I also notice an overarching trajectory whereby I have been focusing more and more of my attention on awakening my spiritual awareness and the process of transcending into soul awareness and beyond.
This typically requires inquiry beyond what is directly observable or measurable by the mind and senses. It delves into fundamental metaphysical questions about reality, existence, knowledge, the nature of being, consciousness, space, time, and causality.
As I elevate my game, what changes is largely a function of what I perceive to be real and what I value. For example, if I were a pickpocket seeing an angel, I would see pockets and if I were a critic I would look for something to criticize. But as I come to know God, other pursuits lose their pull.
One interesting aspect of this multi-level game is that the more restricted our perceptual capabilities are the less we can comprehend or understand someone functioning from a different level of awareness. For example, Joe experiences life through his ego and denies the existence of God because he is looking at the world and asking, “how can a god let this kind of pain and suffering exist?” Through Joe’s eyes, Sam who speaks of experiencing God’s presence and love in his life appears naive. But Joe is making a common error. He is assuming that what he sees is reality itself rather than an interpreted reality perceived from a particular point of view.
So, What Game Are You Playing?
What do you value in your life? What do you believe is the purpose of your life? What are you seeking to experience or achieve?
Take a moment and ask yourself:
When we begin to ask such questions, we move from being pawns of circumstance to conscious players in a sacred journey.
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The 5 Wisdom Teachings of the Oyster
The Metaphor of the Pearl
The oyster’s journey of pearl formation is a metaphor for overcoming adversity. Difficult situations can be the source of our greatest blessings and growth if we respond with courage and perseverance.
How and Why the Oyster Forms a Pearl
We tend to activate autopilot defense mechanisms to push away less than desirable experiences. Alternatively, consider how the oyster forms a pearl as a natural defense mechanism against irritants that get inside its shells.
When a foreign object makes its way into the oyster’s shell, it irritates the soft tissue surrounding the oyster’s internal organs. To protect itself, the oyster secretes layer upon layer of a substance called nacre (also known as mother-of-pearl). Slowly encasing the irritant, these secretions form a precious pearl of iridescent luster.
The Oyster’s 5 Wisdom Teachings
Here’s how the wisdom of pearl formation can be applied in our lives:
Irritants as Catalysts: When we encounter challenges and adversity, we can use them as catalysts for positive change. Just as an irritant triggers the oyster’s response, we can engage in a process of personal transformation rather than trying to push away unwanted experiences. These challenges can teach us new skills of adaptation.
For example, when a relationship becomes unpleasant, seek to understand how the disturbance is being triggered inside of you rather than trying to eradicate the discord. Chances are the nature of the upset for you is probably familiar from past experiences. Use the current situation as a motivation to better understand the origins of this pattern of reactivity inside of you so you can break free of it.
The Power of Response: The oyster’s response to an irritant involves surrounding it with a protective substance which in turn forms a precious pearl. Similarly, individuals have the ability to choose how to react to adversity. This can be an opportunity for growth.
For example, I recently watched my hot temper rise up in response to a situation where I felt I was being mistreated by a company I was doing business with. I caught myself in the act and took the time to figure out how to respond with simply my point of view and not my anger. That generated a better response than I even hoped for.
Transforming Pain: The oyster transforms the irritant into a pearl. This mirrors how individuals transform painful experiences into valuable lessons and inner strength. Overcoming challenges shapes individuals into stronger, more compassionate, and wiser people.
A client recently had a surprisingly unpleasant encounter with her grown daughter. Rather than reacting in the moment, she chose to wait till we had a chance to unpack the situation together. We explored the fact that the daughter was being heavily influenced by her husband who had a dislike for my client. Rather than simply reacting to being hurt by her daughter, my client was able to see that she was doing the best she could in a difficult situation. As a result, she gained compassion for her daughter and a greater tolerance of the unpleasantries of life.
Hidden Treasures: The pearl emerges from within the irritant. The most valuable lessons and blessings in life are often within struggles. By persevering, individuals can discover these hidden treasures.
For example, I spent years in an intractable discord with my neighbors. Whenever it erupted, there was an urgency inside of me to get away from them as fast as possible. I finally noticed the depth of my pain was disproportionate to the situation itself. Looking inward, I realized this experience was triggering the feeling associated with an unresolved issue from my childhood. As a child that same feeling had been unbearable forcing me to run away from what was happening. The fear of experiencing that same feeling was being triggered with my neighbors. Once I recognized this, I was able to separate the two situations. I found myself appreciating that the current discord had brought me awareness of my old emotional fear still being active within me. By releasing that buried fear I was able to transform the nature of my relationship with my neighbors.
Embracing Adversity: The oyster must accept the irritant’s presence and work with it. Likewise, individuals must accept adversity as a natural part of life and navigate it with resilience. Embracing challenges provides opportunities for growth.
For example, I struggled with obesity for most of my life. I lived in shame, self-blame, and jealousy of naturally thin people. Finally, an endocrinologist discovered that I have an extremely low metabolism that is the real source of my body weight issues. Knowing that it wasn’t my fault liberated me. I was then able to find solutions that made it possible for me to maintain a healthy body weight and release my emotional baggage associated with this issue.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
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Souls Onboard
Recognizing the Sacred in Every Life We Encounter
In aviation and maritime communication, the term “souls onboard” is used during emergencies to communicate the number of living human beings onboard a vessel. It’s not just a headcount. It’s a recognition of lives, of beings, of souls. The language reminds us that those on board aren’t cargo or statistics. They are people. Whole lives. Each one sacred.
What If We Used This Lens in Our Lives
Every human being you pass on the street, meet in a meeting, sit beside on the bus, or scroll past online is a soul onboard this great collective journey we call life. And like you, they are trying to make sense of it. Some are stumbling. Some are shining. All are worthy.
It’s easy to forget this when we’re overwhelmed, annoyed, or afraid. It’s easy to reduce people to their behaviors, opinions, or affiliations. We mentally divide the world into “us” and “them.” We are inclined to categorize others based on whether they agree with us. We value some and avoid others. We believe some deserve kindness and others do not.
A Call to Recognition
If we are truly spiritual beings, as so many of us claim to believe, then we cannot make exceptions. The soul is the essence of every person, regardless of how they show up. And while not all behaviors are acceptable, every being is a soul onboard.
This is not a call to spiritual bypassing or naïve tolerance. It’s a call to recognition. It is a reminder that behind every face is a complex, feeling, sacred being, shaped by stories we cannot see.
What Would Shift in Our Lives If We Truly Saw This?
We don’t need a spiritual emergency to remind us of our shared humanity. We can bring that awareness into each ordinary day.
We may not understand each other. We may not always agree. But we are traveling together.
So let’s tread gently. Speak kindly. Extend compassion and respect not just to those we love, but to those we don’t yet understand.
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The Power of Questions: Why Curiosity Changes Everything
So often, we are looking for answers, solutions, fixes, and explanations to alleviate our discomfort. But what if the real transformation begins not with the answers we find, but with the questions we ask?
Whether we’re trying to understand ourselves, navigate a challenging relationship, or make sense of the world, the way we frame our questions determines the path our thoughts will follow. Each question opens a door and closes others. This is the quiet power of inquiry.
The Hidden Force Behind Thought
Our minds are constantly in motion. Thoughts come and go, many driven by unconscious questions we don’t even realize we’re asking.
Questions like:
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why is this happening to me?”
“Will they ever change?”
Without realizing it, we often narrow our focus through these kinds of inquiries. They carry assumptions, they trigger old patterns, and they limit what we’re able to see.
But there’s another way.
When we bring our questions into conscious awareness, we can begin to shape the direction of our attention with intention. We can shift from judgment to curiosity, from blame to understanding, and from limitation to possibility.
Asking Better Questions of Ourselves
Self-inquiry is one of the most powerful tools we have for healing, growth, and clarity. Try asking simple, gentle questions like:
“What am I feeling right now?”
“What do I need in this moment?”
“What is this really about for me?”
Questions like this invite us inward. They create space for reflection, self-compassion, and a deeper understanding of our emotions. They help us respond with care instead of reacting with confusion or fear.
What Happens When We Ask with Curiosity
In my work with couples, I’ve seen how dramatically the tone of a conversation can change when we shift from defensive statements to open questions.
Instead of:
Instead of:
Open-ended questions are invitations. They say: I want to know you. I care about what’s real for you. And in that space, trust can grow.
Questions That Build Connection
Here are a few questions that can gently deepen connection and emotional safety in any relationship:
What matters most to you in this situation?
How can I support you right now?
What are we both not seeing yet?
What do you need from me in this moment?
Is there another way we could look at this?
The goal is not to “get it right,” but to stay curious. When we lead with curiosity, we soften the ground between us and invite discovery instead of defensiveness.
The Soul of a Question
A question is more than words. It carries intention.
Is your question meant to control or to understand?
Is it rooted in fear, or in a genuine desire to connect?
Is it trying to prove a point, or open a door?
When asked with presence and care, a question becomes a mirror, a flashlight, a bridge.
It is a sacred tool. One that can gently illuminate what was hidden, and return us to what matters most.
Reflection Prompt:
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Consciousness Ecology: Inner Clarity In a Noisy World
What Is Consciousness Ecology?
Consciousness Ecology is the art and practice of tending to your inner environment. Just as an ecosystem depends on balance, so too does your state of mind and heart. This practice invites us to look inward and examine the beliefs, stories, habits, and emotional patterns that silently shape how we see the world and navigate our lives.
As Plotinus wisely said, “Withdraw into yourself and look.” Consciousness Ecology is this very invitation—to return inward and tend to the landscape within.
Why It Matters
Many of us carry internal “clutter” from unresolved experiences, outdated beliefs, and unconscious fears. These internal dynamics distort how we interpret situations, how we treat others, and how we treat ourselves. Over time, we may find ourselves reacting to life rather than engaging with it consciously.
We are not victims of our conditioning unless we choose to be. Consciousness Ecology offers us a pathway out of unconscious living and into empowered awareness.
5 Core Practices of Consciousness Ecology
Releasing Unresolved Perceptions
Let go of emotional residue from the past that clouds your ability to be present.
Reframing Your Perspective
Learn to reinterpret events through a more compassionate, expansive lens.
Redefining Inner Values
Reassess what you value and fear and update the filters that shape your worldview.
Practicing Healthier Ways of Being
Integrate new thought and behavior patterns that support emotional well-being.
Exploring Expanded States of Consciousness
Open to the higher frequencies of awareness that are available to all of us.
The Role of Your Attitude Filter
Think of your mind as equipped with an “Attitude Filter” that functions as a gateway that processes everything you see, hear, and experience. This filter is shaped by family conditioning, cultural messages, past wounds, and personal conclusions. If it becomes too clouded, it distorts your view of reality.
By conducting regular mental and emotional audits such as journaling, self-reflection, or using guided questions you begin to “clean the filter.” Over time, your perception becomes clearer, your reactions more grounded, and your choices more aligned.
A Gentle Audit for Greater Awareness
When you feel stuck, reactive, or off-center, pause and explore:
What am I believing in this moment?
Is that belief absolutely true?
What feeling or past experience might be fueling this reaction?
What might I choose to believe or feel instead?
Awareness, curiosity, and self-compassion are your allies in this process.
From Reaction to Reintegration
Much of our inner struggle stems from exiled parts of ourselves. We may have pushed away shame, fear, anger, or grief because we didn’t have the tools to face them. Through Consciousness Ecology, we return to these parts with kindness, and welcome them home.
As spiritual teacher Robert Waterman describes, healing comes through reintegration. We remember who we are, not in fragments, but as a whole being capable of healing, clarity, and peace.
Making Consciousness Ecology a Way of Life
Like brushing your teeth or nourishing your body, Consciousness Ecology is a form of hygiene for the mind and heart. It doesn’t eliminate life’s challenges, but it prepares you to meet them with resilience and presence.
You might begin by:
Starting a weekly self-reflection journal
Holding regular emotional “check-ins” with a partner or trusted friend
Noticing and shifting negative self-talk in real time
Asking: What energy am I bringing to this moment?
The more consistently you practice, the more you will experience clarity, peace, and personal power.
The Invitation
You don’t need to wait for a crisis to begin. You can start today. Look within. Ask the questions. Listen to your inner world. Reclaim your clarity and wholeness.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
When Your Dreams Don’t Come True
How often are you disappointed? Do your disappointments tend to be about life-altering things or just not getting what you want in daily life? Just because we want something doesn’t mean it will or should show up in our life.
Acceptance is the key here because it allows you to move on to figuring out what to do next rather than being upset about what didn’t happen.
A 12-year-old contestant on America’s Got Talent taught me a powerful lesson about this recently. While singing her heart out, she was interrupted when Simon Cowell stopped the music. He told her the background track was awful and would she please sing her song a cappella. She looked like a deer in the headlights and after a moment simply said, “Well, that just happened!” She regained her composure and sang beautifully.
There is a fundamental dynamic that occurs when we encounter disappointment. As depicted below, Point A is where you are and Point B is your unfulfilled dream.
When reality falls short of your desires, do you accept that? Or, does your mind create a static of negative thoughts and feelings as it tries to connect the dots. When we are attached to our desires, we get caught in the dissonance of trying to bridge the gap between where we are and where we want to be.
Alternatively, like the girl mentioned above, we can acknowledge where we are, gather our composure and capabilities, and do our best in the moment. This way we don’t postpone and limit our potential happiness by being attached to a particular dream coming true. Maybe there is a better dream trying to come forward.
No matter how much you want your dream, holding onto it too tightly diminishes your ability to do your best with what is so for you in the present moment. Here’s a typical example. Cynthia is in her early thirties and has always wanted to get married and have children. She is aware of her biological clock ticking away and is distressed that she hasn’t yet found a partner. She believes she has done everything “right” to make her dream come true, yet she remains alone and sees her chance to fulfill this dream slipping away.
Holding on too tightly to her dream has prevented her from appreciating the life she has. Some part of her believes she can only be really happy if her dream comes true. The flaw in her approach is that she is preventing herself from finding happiness in her actual life.
A perpetual state of disappointment can easily lead to depression and despair. I’ve had clients who were so devastated by their unfulfilled dreams that they numbed themselves from feeling their despair. Some got caught in substance addictions. Others distracted themselves with unrealistic To-Do Lists and saying “Yes” to whatever anyone else wanted them to do, just to avoid feeling their accumulated misery.
It is critically important to be honest with yourself about how you feel. Doing so will bring you home to the present moment. I often suggest that clients throw themselves a pity party for 10 minutes or so and really wallow in their misery. Give voice to it and cry a river if you need to. Just do so with the intention of releasing the pent up and unexpressed disappointment. Then, get on with being where you are in your life and making delicious lemonade out whatever lemons you think life has dealt you.
One typical illulsion some of us get caught up in is the belief that our lives should be easier than they are. We often make an assumption that getting from here to there will be uneventful and easy. Chances are it won’t be. Life is full of twists and turns.
Take your life as it comes. Do your best. Let it be a great adventure. Keep your focus on the present. Respond to the reality of your life rather than trying to force your dreams to come true.
My spiritual teacher, John-Roger, taught me to express my hopes and dreams in a prayerful way that asks, “May this or something greater that is for my highest good come forward.” Then, let it go, and put one foot in front of the other, staying present in my life.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Do You Feel Like You’re On The Outside Looking In?
One theme I have noticed with many of my mentoring clients is the feeling of being on the outside looking in. This might be how they feel in a particular social situation such as with their family, at work, or with a particular group of friends. For some, it is what they repeatedly experience. For many, this began during school days and has been with them throughout their lives.
It’s a pervasive experience of wanting to be on the inside, but standing alone watching others being connected to each other. Some believe they have been selectively and intentionally left out.
I remember feeling trapped in this position in high school. The “in crowd” seemed to really be having a fabulous time. I watched from the periphery wondering what was wrong with me that I didn’t authentically want to be doing what they were doing. And, why didn’t it matter to them whether I was part of the group or not?
I wanted the fun they were having, but I knew that I would have to fake it to be a part of the group. I wasn’t good at that.
Feelings of not fitting in, not being chosen, and just not belonging anywhere dominated my experiences in high school.
As life marched on, I noticed myself experiencing this outsider phenomenon repeatedly. It was my norm in social situations until I started to take a good look at it. I noticed a few important things that became my opportunity to break free. And, eventually I began to help others to do so as well. Here are some keys to moving away from the experience of being the outsider looking in:
Observe your experience, but don’t make it wrong.
It’s easy to fall into the false assumption that because they are having fun and you aren’t that “they are right and therefore you are wrong.” That’s a dead end proclamation. It robs you of the opportunity to consider other possibilities. That’s why observation rather than judgment is so important.
Our negative feelings are feedback to us of being out of balance inside. They are not cause for judgment of ourselves or others. Observation leads to neutral conclusions that allow us to explore our options.
Neutral observations might look like “I want to have fun. Standing here watching them is not fun for me. What else might I do to have the experience I am looking for? What is fun for me? What would be more fun for me than standing here watching them have fun?”
It stands to reason that if you put your hand over a burning flame, it hurts and the healthy response is to move your hand away and learn not to do that again. So, apply that logic here.
Look Inward, Not Outward.
When you find yourself distressed watching others seemingly having a good time, notice that you are doing that. You are creating that perception and reaction inside of you. Choose to look at that inner process of creation rather than outward at what others are doing.
Work with the information in a healthier way by using it to explore the resonance within you that your feelings are tapping into. Is this current experience tapping into some unresolved hurt from the past? If so, take a look at that and see if you can make peace with it. Seek understanding and healing of any past disturbances so you can be free and healthy in encountering new experiences.
Consider the Possibility That You Are Creating a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
If you keep having this same experience, consider the fact that it is a matter of faulty perception. When you repeatedly make yourself wrong each time you encounter the feeling of being disconnected from others, you simply pile on more bad feelings on top of old, unresolved feelings.
The pain gets bigger and bigger because each encounter touches into a mother load of unresolved feelings you carry around you. Convinced that you are “right” in your interpretation of being “wrong” (having never considered an alternative) makes your perspective a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Pay Attention to What Works for You and What Doesn’t
Keep paying attention to your inner experiences. Notice how you perceive and react to outer situations. Do you see patterns? Create more of what works for you. And, get to work on dismantling repetitive negative patterns of perception and behavior. That’s called mastering the art of living. It will bring you much more fulfillment, joy, and satisfaction. Lovingly attend to your own sense of imbalance.
Look Elsewhere.
Explore what other options are available to you. Stop wanting to be part of something that doesn’t make you happy. If the shoe doesn’t fit, try on a different shoe. Go for what fits, not for what you wish would fit, but doesn’t.
Go for the feeling and experience you are looking for, don’t demand the conditions under which those feelings will manifest. Be committed to finding your own form of happiness where you fit in and feel good about yourself. Don’t settle for anything less.
Live inside your own experience. Honor your own truth. Trust that you belong in this world just the way you are. Love yourself madly and deeply!
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
The Top 5 Things to Do When a Loved One Is Dying
Like a soldier going into battle for the first time, being my mother’s caregiver for the final nine years of her life was a baptism by fire for me. My mother and I learned so much useful information through those years that she made me promise I would write a book about what we learned. I was so gratified when someone told me that Making Peace with Death and Dying it should be a reference book in every home. Here are the top five things I learned about dealing with death:
1. Don’t assume you are supposed to know what to do.
We live in a death-denying culture that has a hard time even saying the word “death.” We are not taught how to face our own death or that of a loved one. It is therefore no surprise that many of us panic in death’s presence. At the very least, it is common to be ill at ease. We don’t know what to do or not do.
So, remember it is normal to be ill-prepared to face death – your own or that of a loved one. Recognize this state of affairs. Don’t pressure yourself to “do it right.” When someone you love is dying, it’s okay to be a mess. Just try not to dump your mess on others — especially the one who is dying.
No two people are going to respond the same way to a death. Most will be woefully unprepared and unskilled at dealing with the situation. This will not, however, stop some from shirking their responsibility or being self-appointed bullies demanding that others follow their lead.
The best approach is to lead with your heart. Keep your love flowing with the dying person and others as well — if possible. Nothing is more important than loving each other. Do your best and then some.
2. Make it a priority to demonstrate your love for the person who is dying.
The fact that your loved one is dying can be overwhelming and scary. Do your best not to let that get in the way of keeping your love alive. You are there to see them off on their journey into the unknown territory of death. Love them up, down and sideways, but don’t make a big deal about it. Just let your love flow and watch for little things that you can do to be of service to them.
Accept the reality if a loved one is dying. Don’t try to deny it by saying things like, “Your color looks good today” when you both know he or she is dying. That’s like saying “I can’t handle this and need to pretend it isn’t happening.” Be honest. Be authentic. Be you. It’s okay to let them see your fear and distress, but don’t let that overshadow your love.
Express your gratitude to the dying person for the ways they enriched your life. Share happy memories and yes, do say goodbye — but do it tenderly. Don’t be afraid to touch the dying. Nothing communicates our love more than a loving touch. Hold their hand. Stroke their hair.
Tailor your efforts according to the time available. Respect the fact that time can be very short from hearing the prognosis to the actual time of death. One of my personal pet peeves is when people are inconvenienced by the news of a loved one’s impending death. They act as though their loved one should have checked on their availability rather than having the audacity to sound the red alert at an inopportune moment. When your mother has a 50/50 chance of making it through the night, you don’t show up four days later!
3. Respect the authority of the dying to make his or her own decisions.
The person who is dying is the boss. If they are conscious enough to be making their own decisions — don’t bully them into doing things your way. Just as sure as you are that your way is right for you, know that their way is right for them no matter how different it is from your own. If someone holding a healthcare proxy is in charge, respect his or her authority.
Ideally, each of us gets our ducks in a row before our dying time. In reality, most do not. As a result, a lot of financial, legal, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual life-or-death decisions get made in a hurry, at the last minute. This can cause a lot of chaos, confusion, conflict and mixed up emotions among family and loved ones. Do your best to quickly align yourself with the wishes of the dying. It is their death, not yours.
4. Accept that he or she is dying. Don’t fight against it.
It’s fine to hope that things will turn around and death will be postponed. However, if death is what is happening, it helps enormously to accept that fact. We are taught to fight against death like it is an evil monster. In fact, death is as normal as birth — we just haven’t been trained to see it that way. I find it sad when doctors and loved ones subject the dying to endless invasive drugs, tests and procedures when it is obvious that it is time to die. I am an enthusiastic supporter of hospice care for the dying.
Each of us is born one moment of one day, we die one moment of another day and have an unknown number of days to live in between.
5. Contribute to maintaining a peaceful environment.
When someone is dying, they have enough to do handling their own process. They might be dealing with physical pain, fear, emotional turmoil, confusion, regrets, etc. Assume that any discord in their environment will add to their load and be unkind on the part of those causing it.
If family members are squabbling, take it outside of the room. Consider the dying room a sacred space where only love and comforting activities are allowed unless the dying person requests otherwise.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Are You Suffering Unnecessarily?
“Necessary suffering” seems like a strange concept to most people. But, consider the fact that no one gets to escape some form of pain in response to the trials and tribulations of life.
A certain amount of suffering comes with the territory of being alive. If we are lucky, we learn to use these experiences as steppingstones to greater wisdom and understanding. They also have a way of getting us to draw closer to one another. We instinctively comfort one another in ways that are deeper and less common than we find in everyday life.
The unnecessary kind of suffering, according to psycho-spiritual teacher, Robert Augustus Masters, is a direct result of the stories we tell ourselves about our painful experiences. Some people obsess about their suffering. Their tales of woe become a constant irritant, like a stone in your shoe that you don’t realize you can remove.
Portia was a client of mine. I don’t think she ever made it through a session without needing to recite the litany of trials and tribulations she had faced in her life. Suffering had become her central identity. She didn’t know herself without her suffering. She kept it alive in the present by talking about it all the time like a broken record. When I attempted to show her what she was doing and invited her into the process of releasing her attachment to suffering, she left. She interpreted that as my not being supportive enough of her.
Ironically, we minimize our suffering by facing it, entering into the pain that comes our way, and moving through it.
A great example of necessary and unnecessary pain can be seen in the contrast between two ways a woman might experience giving birth. One woman actively works with her breath to move through the pain of her labor. Another is busy resisting her pain and screaming about how much it hurts.
Ironically, we create unnecessary pain by the very act of resisting pain. In other words, through resistance, we focus upon our pain, draw it to ourselves, and attach ourselves to it.
Our point of view – our attitude toward suffering makes all the difference in terms of how much we suffer.
So, next time you start throwing a pity party for yourself, change your point of view so you can change your experience. Try one of these methods:
1. Expand your perspective to entertain the good news that is coming with the bad. In other words, appreciate the half full part of the glass you are only seeing as half empty. My friend, Barbara Sarah, founded the Oncology Support Program at HealthAlliance of the Hudson Valley in Kingston, NY. She shared with me a list that one of her students in a Constructive Living program made. It was a growing list identifying all the people who she was grateful to for helping her care for her hospitalized husband. 105 people and counting! As the list grew, so did her gratitude to these people. The list included such people as:
When we are encountering life’s challenges, it is important to acknowledge that our glass is not only half empty. It is simultaneously half full. So make a list of all the things in your life that are also true blessings while you are suffering. See if you don’t find yourself becoming so grateful that you forget a bit about your pain. This is about finding and restoring balance inside yourself.
2. Give yourself a deadline to finish your pity party. Give yourself 5-10 minutes or three hours to really get into all your complaints and suffering. Exaggerate the immensity of your pain and feel really sorry for yourself until the timer goes off. Then, choose to shift your focus onto doing something really thoughtful or supportive for yourself or someone else. Don’t allow yourself to start grabbing onto your pain again. If it hurts, breathe into it and keep going. Ask yourself, “Is there anything constructive I need to do about my pain?” If the answer is “yes” then do that, if it is “no” then make the choice to place your focus elsewhere.
3. Pray for your highest good. Prayer, in its highest form, is about trust and laying down your burdens. It is a surrendering to that which is beyond our comprehension. This kind of prayer is beyond personal preferences or judgments of what “should” or “shouldn’t” be happening. It acknowledges that there are forces present in our lives that are beyond our understanding. By praying for the highest good, we appeal to the benevolence of whatever forces are at work in our lives. We surrender our burdens to these forces. In other words, we acknowledge that what will happen is beyond our control. We accept that and go on about our business of living the best we can.
4. Decide to make fabulous lemonade out of your lemons. My spiritual teacher, John-Roger always advised using everything for our upliftment, learning, and growth. That advise has served me very well in the hardest of times. This is a matter of choice. We have the option of shifting the message we send ourselves about our suffering from “poor me, this is terrible” to “I wonder how I can work with this to lift myself up, to learn, and to grow.”
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Keeping The Doors Of Love Open In Your Relationship
Does your relationship provide a safe emotional environment for you both?
Are you free to be who you are?
Or, do you edit yourself around your partner to avoid negative reactions?
Do you walk on eggshells around each other?
I used to officiate at a lot of weddings. And, because I also offer couple’s mentoring, my friends often would kid me about a potential conflict of interest. They asked me, “What do you do? Do you say, ‘I now pronounce you husband and wife. And, if you get in trouble, here’s my card.’?”
The sad truth is at least half of couples will end up divorced.
One of the greatest keys to creating the kind of environment where loving, honoring and cherishing each other will occur is captured in my favorite wedding ring exchange. It symbolizes the true essence of a successful marriage.
Each partner places a ring on the other’s finger only up to the knuckle while pledging his/her love. The recipient takes the ring over the knuckle as acknowledgement of receipt of the gift of the other’s love. In this way, each one declares their awareness that they are both the giver and the receiver of love.
When these four doors of love are open, both partners feel safe and nurtured in the love they share. It behooves us all to pay far greater attention to the responsibility we have taken on through our promises in the wedding vows. They are not simply pretty words; they represent sacred commitments, and it is important that we keep our promises. We do so, or not, through the choices we make and the behaviors we express moment by moment, day by day, and year after year.
It’s easy to slam one of these symbolic doors shut when our partner disappoints us in some way. When that becomes the normal way we respond to each other, the trust, safety and foundation of the relationship is eroded. In time, alienation, judgments, distancing and hostility replace the love, trust and hopefulness that started the union.
That commitment gets tested by the winds of change, by fate, choices, personal vulnerabilities and circumstances.
Next time your partner does something you don’t like, try doing these four things:
If a couple has built a strong enough bond, most anything can be overcome together. Here’s an example: Let’s say you find out that your partner has been having an affair. Once you gather your wits enough to have a civil conversation or to write your partner a letter, try something like this:
I am devastated to find this out, and I hate that you did this to me and to our marriage.
We promised to love, honor and cherish each other, and this behavior is none of those things.
You have broken the deep bond of trust between us, and as a result I do not feel safe with you emotionally or sexually.
Our love is deeper than this behavior.
Know that I love you and that is why I am standing here in front of you, wanting us to find a way through this together.
I need you to know that any continuance of your affair is a further strike on your part against the sanctity of our marriage.
I will not and cannot tolerate that.
If you choose to continue your affair, I will recognize that as your choice to abandon our marriage.
If you choose to end your affair and would like to restore our marriage and work together to rebuild what has been broken, I am here.
You have one week to make your choice.
If you stay in our marriage, I would like us to seek professional help to guide us through the process of finding our way back to each other.
Notice a statement like this could be spoken or written. It addresses all four doors of loving — the giving and receiving of love by both partners. If those four choices are not made, the love will not survive.
What are you doing, or what could you be doing differently to keep the doors of loving open in the relationships in your life?
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.