I have discovered an understanding of obesity from my own experience that is different from that of those who define obesity as a Body Mass Index (BMI) above 30.0. I do agree that obesity is a disease, but I do not believe that it is purely a physical measurement. Rather, I think one’s BMI is an indicator of the presence of the disease of obesity.
I believe that no matter how much I weigh and no matter what my BMI, I will be obese till the day I die. Here’s why— It seems to me that obesity is not measured in a moment in time, but rather it is a lifelong metabolic condition. I will always have a tendency to gain weight. Therefore, I cannot afford to live a lifestyle typical of our culture. For me that will result in rapid weight gain accompanied by increased risk of diabetes and heart disease, among other challenging physical conditions and side effects.
When I was growing up in the 50s and 60s, considerations such as whether or not your food was organic or non-GMO didn’t exist. We didn’t have gym memberships either, and Jack LaLanne was just starting what would grow into the fitness industry. The diet industry was simply the idea of weight loss by restricting your calories or taking Metrecal or diet pills. The only real consciousness of eating a balanced diet had to do with the food group pyramid and being urged to “eat your vegetables.” I remember what a treat it was to go out to a particular restaurant I loved where I would have a grilled Taylor pork roll sandwich on a hard roll with cheddar cheese and onion rings, followed by pie ala mode.
At age 71, for the first time in my life, I am maintaining a weight loss. However, getting here has been a painful journey mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was always prone to gaining weight and have gained and lost over 100 pounds four times in my life. I’ve tried every kind of diet and exercised terrific discipline during my weight losses, but like 95% of dieters, I was never able to sustain the loss. This was not only physically and emotionally discouraging, but, I also experienced a tremendous amount of shame and humiliation as well. I thought this was all my fault until I landed in an endocrinologist’s office about four years ago. After waiting many months for the appointment, he measured my resting metabolism and found it to be about 1,000 to 1,2000 calories per day. (An average woman needs to eat about 2,000 calories per day to maintain her weight, and 1,500 calories to lose one pound of weight per week,) The doctor assured me that, indeed, it wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t sustain a weight loss. It was because my body could only process this low level of calories and that it would take an extraordinary amount of self-restraint to limit my caloric intake to this degree, day after day for the rest of my life. However, failure to do so would naturally lead to gaining weight. He looked at me with great sadness in his eyes and offered me no hope. He simply wished me good luck.
I went into a deep depression and resigned myself to being fat for the rest of my life. My only hope or sense of control over the situation was the rate at which I would gain weight.
About two years later, I ran into a friend who was also chronically overweight. She had lost over 100 pounds since I last saw her. Not only was she physically beautiful, but she looked so relieved and relaxed in her new body.
We arranged to get together shortly thereafter, and she explained that she’d had gastric sleeve surgery and was involved in a bariatric support program at our local hospital. It was the first time I had experienced any hope about my weight since seeing the endocrinologist. I made an appointment, learned all about the various kinds of bariatric surgeries and their respective rates of success and failure, and what it would take for me to qualify for the gastric sleeve surgery.
I assure you that anyone who thinks bariatric surgery is an easy way out is speaking from ignorance of what is involved. It is a daunting process of attending support groups and education classes about the various stages of dietary change required before and after surgery, as well as a series of doctor’s appointments with your bariatric surgeon, GP, cardiologist, pulmonologist, and a psychologist. For the many patients who fail their sleep study, a diagnosis of sleep apnea delays their surgery date by several months. An endoscopy is also required weeks before surgery. In coordination with insurance company requirements, all patients have to lose a designated amount of weight to qualify for a surgery date. For several weeks before and after surgery, patients are limited to a high protein liquid diet.
The good news is that after all that, I discovered that, if I follow the rules, I can have long-term success. I was also able to eliminate four of the seven medications I was on. The surgery itself was not the solution. Rather, it was one of several key ingredients combined that made up my recipe for success. In addition to the surgery, I have discovered that my long-term success requires that I keep the following four areas of my life in balance:
Diet: My surgery has created a natural limitation to the quantity of food I can eat each day and my palate has changed. Many of the foods that I used to love don’t appeal to me now. I also noticed that if I want to eat cake, for example, I can thoroughly enjoy three bites. I don’t have to eat an entire slice. I maintain a high protein diet, take a prescribed regimen of vitamins, drink at least 64 oz of water daily, and chew each bite of food at least 32 times to release sufficient gastric juices for digestion.
Exercise: I have a 2-hour routine at the gym which I do 3x/week. I make that non-negotiable. In other words, I am undeterred by even the best excuses I can come up with. Any exercise I do beyond that is optional.
Mental and Emotional Balance: I was always prone to stress and distress eating. So, it is critically important that I not allow mental and emotional challenges to escalate. I pay close attention to how I feel inside and to my inner dialogue. When I go negative, I nip it in the bud. I’ve developed lots of strategies and techniques to stay present in the moment and attend to whatever needs my attention.
Sleep/Stress Management: When I was heavy, I tried all sorts of sleep aids. Now I don’t need them. I make sure to get at least 7 hours of sleep each night. I also have chosen to give the highest priority to maintaining a state of inner peace. I pay attention to when I feel rushed or impatient and renegotiate my expectations to reestablish balance. Nothing is worth throwing myself out of balance. I know that stress can be the lead domino in a cascade of negative health and body weight repercussions for me, so I avoid it like the plague.
So far, so good. I had my surgery over 15 months ago and have lost 112 pounds. For at least five months now, I have maintained exactly the same weight and feel confident in my ability to sustain this success.
For further insight into my journey, and to learn more about mastering the art of being you, read morehere. If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a followso we can thrive together!
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Obesity is defined by the World Health Organization (WHO) as abnormal or excessive fat accumulation that may impair health. The American Medical Association (AMA) declared obesity to be a disease in 2013. As a result, increased research and funding are being directed towards obesity drugs, surgery, and counseling as well as for obesity-related diseases, such as type-2 diabetes and heart disease. Labeling obesity as a disease was also intended to decrease the stigma that comes from the widespread belief that obesity is just the outcome of excessive eating and not enough exercise.
A new study – F as in Fat: How Obesity Threatens America’s Future 2013– from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and Trust for America’s Health has recommended that there also be increased attention and funding directed at such initiatives as:
Providing healthier food choices in schools
Greater access to physical activity for children and adults
Having restaurants post caloric information on their menus
Food and beverage companies marketing only healthy choices to children
A greater investment in health and the prevention of disease
Increased availability of healthy and affordable food choices for all
Body Mass Index (BMI) is currently the common measurement for obesity. It is calculated as a person’s weight in kilograms divided by the square of their height in meters. This is a crude and misleading measurement at best as it defines the consequences of obesity rather than its causes. BMI is intended to indicate whether someone’s body weight is normal or not as follows:
If your BMI is less than 18.5, it falls within the underweight range.
If your BMI is 18.5 to <25, it falls within the normal.
If your BMI is 25.0 to <30, it falls within the overweight range.
If your BMI is 30.0 or higher, it falls within the obese range.
What is commonly referred to as morbid obesity is a BMI of over 40.0. Thirty years ago, 1.4% of Americans were morbidly obese, compared to 6.3% today – a rise of 350%.
The United States now has the second highest national level of obesity according to a report by the United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization. In that report, published in July 2013, Mexico’s adult obesity rate of 32.8% was just above America’s 31.8%. Why are so many Americans obese?
Obesity is a chronic disease affecting 95 million Americans – that’s one in three of us. That’s more than three times the number of adults with diabetes. Yet, there remains difficulty in accurately defining the condition, its root causes, and the many ways that it affects our lives. It is not merely a physical manifestation but can be a debilitating social and emotional challenge as well. There is a pervasive misconception that a person is obese solely because they eat too much and exercise too little. In reality the situation is much more complex than that. Aside from genetic and individual variations in our body’s ability to metabolize food, surely our culture and the food industry play significant parts as well.
When we look at obesity within the context of our social and cultural norms, several relevant observations can be made:
Food manufacturers give a greater priority to pleasing our palate than to fueling our bodies. Grocery store shelves and marketing campaigns are filled with foods loaded with sugar, salt, fat, and carbohydrates.
Snack foods and desserts have become our go-to foods for parties and celebrations, “treating ourselves,” and pushing down negative feelings.
Restaurant portion sizes are typically much larger than what is considered to be a healthy serving.
While the diet industry offers all sorts of diet programs, none have proven to result in long-term success for the obese. The average estimate is that 95% of diets fail.
We have learned to choose fast foods rather than living at a pace that allows time to prepare and eat more nutritious meals.
Those who are obese find it difficult not only to fit into restaurant booths and airplane seats but to be socially and professionally accepted on a par with the non-obese as well.
Notice how you think about and behave towards obese people. Where judgment comes naturally, try compassion. It’s not easy being fat in a world that caters to the thin. Help break the stigma of obesity by recognizing that there are many contributing factors beyond a simple equation of calories in and out.
In Part Two, I will share my personal journey through the world of obesity and how I found the answers that work for me.
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What does it mean to be a soul? Conceptually, in its most general definition, being a soul has to do with living in part as a non-physical being. In other words, part of our “self” is beyond time and space and, according to some religious traditions, is divine in nature.
On a practical level, what does it mean to exist in a body with a personality, mind, and emotions and yet to exist beyond all that on a dimension that cannot be adequately captured in language? How can I be something I cannot even talk about?
I find myself most aware of being a soul or spiritual being when I experience a sense of oneness with another person, my cat, a tree, a flower, or a butterfly. In other words, for a fleeting or lingering moment I merge with the other, and all the definitive ways in which we are different are of no consequence. They disappear from my awareness while I experience a sweet oneness with the other. Sometimes I practice this walking down the street and intentionally make eye contact with another and smiling, invite them in. Some come, some do not. Yet, we all have that capacity.
I have discovered that practicing soul awareness is a great way to break free of my judgments of myself and others. When someone really gets on my last nerve, for example, I could go on and on, telling myself all the things I don’t like about that person and how wrong they are for behaving as they do. I have that choice, but I have come to realize that only makes me increasingly unhappy. I have another choice. I can lift into the oneness that joins me together with this person and feed that awareness instead of building up my unhappiness. I may find myself continuously allergic to this person’s personality. However, every time I am bothered by that dimension of their expression, I have the option of shifting dimensions and focusing instead into that non-physical dimension where we are all one. The mere act of shifting my focus reminds me that I have a choice and that either choice has consequences. If I can be conscious enough to see this option I can save myself a lot of heartache. I can also be part of the solution of greater kindness I choose to participate in rather than allowing myself to fall back into creating more negative vibes.
Each choice each of us makes like this is like casting a vote for the kind of world we want to live in. So, what we are doing within our own inner awareness really does have an impact on our collective consciousness. Each of us in our own inner worlds is contributing to the quality of consciousness we share. Imagine the upside potential of each of us choosing to strengthen our soul awareness instead of judging and rejecting each other. Are you willing to practice soul awareness by being a mental and emotional ecologist?
For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read morehere. If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a followso we can thrive together!
Fear can get triggered in many ways. Some people are afraid of dogs or snakes or spiders, for example. Others fear experiencing such emotional states as humiliation, rejection, shame, loneliness, and failure. Still others fear such life occurrences as poverty, serious illness, or death.
Whether your fear is a momentary reaction or a sustained state of being, energetically, fear is a contraction. It is also a figment of the imagination. What we are afraid of may be real, but our fear is a Fantasy Expectation Appearing Real. We make it up in the theater of our mind and act as though it is real.
In order to learn how to thrive through our fears, it helps to understand what happens in our bodies when we become afraid and to know that we have the power to interrupt this response. According to Bruce Lipton, a cell biologist whose work contributes to bridging the gap between science and spirit, fear literally contracts our energy and paralyzes us from thoughtfully and compassionately responding to the object of our fear. He says:
When we are in a happy state, we are in a state of growth. When we get afraid, we get in a state of protection. And when we get in a state of protection, it completely changes the blood flow to the body, because when you are in a state of growth, you are nourishing the viscera, which is really the organs that take care of maintaining our health, etc. But when we start to get afraid, we want to send the blood to the arms and legs because the arms and legs are what we are going to use for fight or flight to escape the issue or deal with the problem. So the hormones and stress cause the blood vessels in the gut to squeeze shut, which forces the extra blood to go to the periphery where we are going to nourish that fight or flight behavior. Well, interesting enough, the same hormones affect blood vessels in the brain, because when we are in a state of happiness and growth, we are using our conscious reasoning and our thinking and our logical thought. But in a state of a reaction to a threat, conscious reasoning is not very helpful, because it is a very slow process. So, basically what happens is in the presence of stress hormones, blood vessels in the forebrain, which is the center of conscious reasoning and logic, are squeezed shut just like the blood vessels in the gut, and this forces the blood to go to the hindbrain. Well, the hindbrain is reflex and reactive behavior, so basically it says from the moment you get under stress you actually shut down the thinking processes of the conscious mind and open up the reactive, reactionary processes of the hindbrain. . . Simply put: when we are under stress, we become less intelligent.
Clearly, some fear reactions are justifiable, such as coming face-to-face with a big bear. In other cases, we can learn to retrain our fear response. Fear does not necessarily have to incapacitate us. Consider the following two fear reactions by contestants on a recent show of America’s Got Talent. Both were singing their hearts out seeking their big break. Each was faced with an alarming experience. Simon Cowell interrupted them and asked them to sing a different song. The 30-year-old young man was like a deer in the headlights. Simon offered him the opportunity to come back later in the day which he eventually did successfully. But in the moment, he just stood there speechless and unable to think what to do. In contrast, the eight-year-old girl who was similarly interrupted by Simon was also stunned initially. Simon offered her some water and she smiled and said, “Well, that just happened!” She composed herself and sang another song.
In the moment of our fear being triggered, we can either allow our physiological response described by Bruce Lipton above to kick in and take over and invest in our emotional fears by playing our feared occurrences again and again in our head, or we can do what this little girl did and override our autopilot response by acknowledging that something unpleasant happened and we’re still here.
Here are 5 simple steps to retrain your reaction to things you fear:
Observe yourself. Play detective and watch to see exactly what you do when you get afraid and what triggers your fear.
Interrupt your autopilot response. Practice noticing when your fears kick in. Stay conscious. Don’t lose your mind.
Choose to be OK. Ask yourself, “How else might I respond to this other than being afraid?” Practice telling yourself that you can manage the situation. You can be simultaneously afraid and OK.
Downgrade your fear. As you practice being OK when you are afraid, your fears will lose their power. Build trust in your ability to cope in the presence of stress.
Repeat. Building new response patterns requires repetition. Be patient and keep doing this consciously until it becomes your new autopilot response.
Let me know how this works for you. Do you have other techniques you use to overcome your fears? Please share them.
For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read morehere. If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a followso we can thrive together!
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Are you self-conscious in a bathing suit? Join the club. It can help to remember that you are not alone. Bathing suits are funny things. At home, you see yourself naked. You know what you look like. Do you stand in front of the mirror and judge yourself? Or are you able to love the body you are in including its imperfections?
For most of us wearing a bathing suit is as close to naked as we get in public. What parts of your body do you try to hide? Why? How do you feel about those parts of your body? What are you afraid other people are thinking when they see you in your bathing suit? Do you think everyone is looking at you and judging you? Are these reactions simply a projection of what you do at home in front of the mirror?
I have avoided bathing suits for most of my life. As one who has gained and lost over 100 pounds four times in my life, I am well-versed in the bathing suit blues. If you were to meet me today, I would look like a normal-sized person to you. But when I put a bathing suit on, you can see that my skin did not shrink along with my pounds. I have wobbly, striated thighs that I cannot hide in a bathing suit. What to do? There is only one way to liberate myself from the tyranny of other people’s opinions of me and my dancing thighs, and that is to stop giving my power away to the opinion of others. Here are some things I am doing that are successfully reducing my bathing suit body blues:
By spending more time at a local lake, I am noticing that the majority of people there will never be bathing suit models either. I also notice that everyone doesn’t turn and look at me in horror. They are all busy doing their thing, and I am just another “normal” body on the beach.
I notice that many of the people who are not bathing beauties behave as though they are comfortable in their bodies. Also, some people who look really good seem to be obsessed with or uncomfortable about their bodies. In other words, there is not a direct correlation between looking bad and feeling bad.
I remind myself that my striated thighs are simply a byproduct of my successful weight loss which I have figured out how to maintain. I see them through new eyes when I reframe them as my war wounds from a lifelong struggle with obesity that I have finally figured out how to deal with.
The more time I spend in a bathing suit being just another body on the beach, the freer I become. Being in a bathing suit in public becomes normalized. My anxiety decreases as I engage in other activities rather than judging myself or worrying about what other people think of what I look like.
I practice noticing when I am obsessing about my body and choose to stop by focusing instead on being more loving and compassionate towards myself.
I remind myself that I live in a society that has a powerful taboo against overweight bodies that has warped our sense of what is normal. Indeed, we come in all shapes and sizes. While we have been brainwashed to reject non-bathing beauty bodies, we have the option of consciously overriding our programming and expanding our comfort zone around different types of bodies. I give myself permission to be happy and free in the body I have rather than rejecting my body and feeling miserable. In other words, I shift my focus to having a more kind and loving relationship with myself.
Worrying about how other people feel about us diminishes our ability to thrive and feel good about ourselves. It puts us at the effect of their perceptions. Whether or not someone is pleased by how you look in a bathing suit doesn’t have to make you feel bad about yourself. Remember, opinions are like noses–everyone has one. So, let people think what they think and go about your business of having a good time. Free yourself of the tyranny of opinions. They belong to another person, not to you. As author and spiritual teacher Terry Cole-Whittaker said, “What you think of me is none of my business.”
Next time you find yourself worrying about how you look in a bathing suit, do a reality check. In the moment you only have two choices: am I going to punish myself for not looking as good as I would like to or am I going to go out and have a good time with how my body is right now?
For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here. If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a followso we can thrive together!
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I never write about my political point of view for two reasons – I don’t consider myself to be well-enough informed to do so, and it is difficult to be heard without choosing sides. Yet one side only seems to listen to the other to formulate a counter argument. No one really listens to the other’s message with any concern for the well-being of those holding a different point of view. As soon as one’s point of view sides with one party or the other, it merely affirms one’s party message and turns off those from the other party from hearing what you have to say. But today, I am writing as neither a Democrat nor a Republican, but as an American citizen who is concerned that we as a nation have lost our way in terms of what we stand for and are willing to lay down our lives for.
I am currently reading The Mueller Report. While President Trump is concerned about being declared innocent and building a wall to secure our southern national border, I am concerned about violations to my autonomy as a voting citizen to truly make up my own mind about what I believe to be in the country’s best interest, based on facts rather than the manipulation of my point of view by foreign and domestic influencers.
It is extremely naïve for any of us to believe that the U.S. is “good” and Russia and others who have manipulated our elections are “bad.” The 2/17/2018 New York Times article, Russia Isn’t the Only One Meddling in Elections. We Do It, Too reminds us that the U.S. has done its share of election meddling both at home and abroad as well. But, I don’t think these tactics are the point here.
Rather there is a fundamental international issue at play here that threatens two basic principles:
national sovereignty (a nation’s right to determine its own governance)
the moral battle between dictatorial rule, where individual rights are suppressed and one individual or political party dictates what happens with no checks or balances on their power, OR a democracy where the supreme power is vested in the people and exercised through a system of representation and periodic free elections
It is a sobering moment to look now at our country and see that we too violate the sovereignty of other nations even though we excuse ourselves by justifying our actions as serving our commitment to democracy. But where is our democracy? When I look at the respective pursuits of the Democrats and Republicans, I don’t see a shared commitment to the preservation of our democracy and the rule of law. I see self-interest and party politics being held in much higher regard than the form of governance our founding fathers so carefully envisioned for us. Polarization and opposition rule while cooperation and a shared vision of democracy are seen as naïve and unrealistic goals in the heat of the battles we are fighting amongst ourselves. How do gerrymandering and party politics serve we the people of the United States? Why don’t we all want to know what is in The Mueller Report enough to actually sit down and read it? If there is even a slight chance that our president has violated his vow of office, why aren’t we all interested in an impeachment inquiry to get at the truth of the matter so we can decide what to do? Why are we more concerned about the impact that such an action would have on the 2020 election than on our current safety and the well-being of our democracy?
The either/or consciousness of party politics does not value the highest good of all concerned. It is all about “I win and therefore you lose.” Is this the best we can do? What is it going to take for us to rise above this dynamic of trying to shove our point of view down each other’s throat rather than to work together to figure out how to sustain a healthy democracy and truly serve the highest good of ALL Americans. Rather than trying to silence each other and disregard each other’s concerns, when are we going to evolve our consciousness high enough to see ALL Americans should matter to all politicians regardless of party affiliations.
Assumptions and expectations carry the same fatal flaw – they create a preconceived notion about the future that we relate to as if it is reality. Then as the situation unfolds and doesn’t match our assumption or expectation we are caught off-guard and are unprepared for what has happened. Typically, the distance between reality and our imagined future gets filled with negative emotional reactions.
The insidious part of this is that it is usually happening without our awareness, and we end up blaming and judging others for not measuring up to our imagined reality. By setting up preconceived notions about how we want our experiences to be, we plant the seeds of our own unhappiness.
Consider the following scenario: Jane and Nash are on their third date. He picks her up in his car, they have a nice time together at dinner, go to a comedy club, and then to a bar for drinks. He invites her to come home with him away from the city where she lives. She’s caught off-guard, not on the same page in terms of where they are in the relationship, panics, and says no. He’s annoyed and sarcastically suggests she pay for their drinks, cuts the evening short, and sends her home in an Uber. Nash had an agenda – he assumed that they would have sex on their third date and expected her to say yes. When she didn’t, he was mad and acted that out by having her pay for the drinks and go home in a cab. His preconceived reality did not have room in it for her to behave any differently than he wanted her to.
How might this have looked if he wasn’t operating out of expectations and assumptions? Here are two possibilities. Had Nash been more tuned in to Jane’s reality he might have realized she wasn’t ready to take their relationship to the next level. Instead of inviting her home, he could have affirmed his affection for her and asked her how she was feeling about their relationship. Or he might have gone ahead with his invitation but been open-minded about her response. In either of these two alternate scenarios, Nash would have been staying present in the moment and emotionally open and free in relationship to Jane’s experience. His focus would be more on wanting to know her better than demanding that she want what he wants when he wants it.
Here are some good questions to ask yourself:
Where do expectations and assumptions get in my way?
Do I or someone I know behave in a way that is “my way or the highway”?
Do I have any personal or professional relationships that repeatedly get snagged in misunderstandings, judgements, or a lack of cooperation? Do I see patterns of assumptions and expectations on either side that are preventing a healthy, present-in-the-moment flow in the relationship?
In what ways do I demand that reality be the way I want it to be rather than the way it is?
What can I do to be more trusting of my ability to adapt to the realities of my life?
Please share some of the ways that you see assumptions and expectations getting in the way in your life. By sharing our experiences, we help each other.
For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here. If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a followso we can thrive together!
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Next time you feel mentally or emotionally out of balance, check in with yourself about these three points. Keeping them in mind can save you from a lot unnecessary distress.
When something happens that you don’t like, do you immediately try to blame someone? If so, consider these two points:
Blaming assumes that something is wrong and it’s someone’s fault. That faulty assumption causes you to waste a lot of energy not only blaming someone but also justifying the fact that you are blaming them. Rather than accepting what is happening and figuring out how to best move through the situation, your energy gets caught up in a story you created to support your blaming action. Unfortunately, a lot of the stories we create in our heads don’t match what is really going on, and we waste our energy reacting to a figment of our imagination.
Acceptance is a healthy alternative to a habitual pattern of blaming and judging others. As soon as you see yourself starting to play the blame and judgment game, stop. Nip it in the bud. Conserve your energy by choosing to break the habit. Most of us are conditioned to react negatively when something happens that we don’t like. Blaming is part of this knee jerk reaction. Life is not all pleasant. Choose to build tolerance for the things you don’t like and work on finding healthy ways to move through them with as little resistance as possible.
2. Stay focused in the present.
The present moment is the only one in which you can take any action. When we focus our attention on the past or future, we are not available to respond to whatever is going on in our present moment. If something about the past or future is of concern to you, ask yourself if there is something you can do in the present moment to address your concern. What do you need to do differently in the present to make peace with the past or future? If there is something that needs to get done – do it. If not, choose to refocus your attention on the present moment. Choose to be present in this moment of your life.
3. Assume that everything is “for” your upliftment, learning, and growth.
Instead of seeking more of what you like and trying to sanitize your life of the experiences you don’t like, try accepting it all. Seek to be at peace inside yourself regardless of what is going on in your life and the world around you. When we get caught up in patterns of judging, avoiding, and fearing our life experiences, we are fighting a losing battle. Life gives us all a wide assortment of pleasant and undesirable experiences. Accept the normalcy of life being a mixed bag. Instead of playing the victim when your life doesn’t match your preferences, try raising your consciousness to a point of view where you can assume that everything that happens in your life is offering you an opportunity to lift yourself up, to learn, and to grow. Seek those three rather than transitory preferences and you will be way ahead in the game of life.
What other secrets of success help you stay well-balanced in your life? Please share your ideas to help others.
Whether your immediate response to this question is “Never” or “All the time” or somewhere in between, playing the victim in your life is an important red flag to learn how to spot if you want to maximize your sense of well-being. Here are some of the major ways playing the victim shows up:
Difficulty accepting what is happening
Self-talk that reflects self-doubt, judgment, or excuse-making
Blaming others for how you are feeling
Wanting to run away from the situation you are in
What does it mean to play the victim? The bottom line is it is about giving your power away to your fears, insecurities, or to other people. It is about choosing to tell yourself two key messages:
It is not my fault.
I am helpless to create success in this situation.
Let’s look at some examples:
You have an assignment at work and don’t feel confident in your ability to do a great job. Instead of problem-solving the situation to get the help you need, you start running fantasies in your head about how inadequate you are and what will happen if and when you get found out. No one else has rendered you powerless here. You did it all by yourself. You told yourself you couldn’t measure up and made that a self-fulfilling prophecy through the fantasies you spun in your head.
You claim to be committed to losing weight but aren’t getting any results. You just keep making excuses about how hard it is because after all, it was your birthday yesterday, and you’re going on a cruise next week, and your car just broke down in front of your favorite fast food restaurant. By making these excuses for yourself, you take no responsibility for your choices and try to convince yourself and others that you had no choices. But you did. Each time, you made the choice to surrender to temptation rather than to keep your word to yourself about losing weight. You keep telling yourself you are trying, but are you really? Trying makes you someone who isn’t doing what it takes to achieve desired results. If you truly want to lose weight, you need to do what it takes to make different choices to get different results.
You have accepted a date to have lunch with your friend, Jane. As you sit there listening to her go on and on about herself as she always does, never asking you about your life, you are fuming inside and running an internal commentary about how self-centered and clueless she is. Yet, you sit there nodding your head with a smile on your face hiding the fact that you want to smack her, run away, or scream–but you don’t. You have convinced yourself that it is all her fault, but is it? You won’t risk speaking up or doing something to change the dynamic between you. Instead you just play the victim telling yourself it’s all her fault that you feel the way you do.
Stop making excuses and blaming others for your unhappiness. Henry Ford offered great wisdom about taking charge in our own lives:
If you always do what you‘ve always done, you‘ll always get what you‘ve always got.
Here’s a simple 3-step process for reclaiming any personal power you are giving away through playing the victim:
1. Notice when you are playing the victim. Without judgment and with a great sense of humor, observe yourself and notice all the subtle and blatant ways that you declare yourself to be a powerless victim. Be really honest with yourself about this because the more you see, the more you can do something about it. Look at things like:
How do I deal with technology challenges?
What goes on inside of me when I am on hold or caught in an endless phone tree trying to get to a human being with answers?
How do I react when I am bored, frustrated, or angered by someone?
How do I deal with temptations, stress, or unexpected challenges to meeting my goals?
2. Pay attention to your inner dialogue. What are you telling yourself is true? Be honest about what you are really thinking and feeling. Gather as much detail as you can and ask yourself:
What assumptions am I making about this situation and how do they contribute to my unhappiness?
What common message do my playing-the-victim experiences share?
Is this message really the truth or is there something I am afraid of that I avoid experiencing? If so, what is it and what am I afraid will happen if I really take charge of myself in this situation?
3. Make two new choices: Choose to take responsibility for your behavior and to create a different response. Keeping your sense of humor, start experimenting with new ways of thinking and behaving in these situations. Armed with your new awareness of what you will do and what will happen if you don’t do something different try some of the following techniques:
Practice catching yourself in the act and asking yourself, “How else might I respond to this?”
Work on one common reactive pattern at a time. Anticipate it happening again and think of two or three different strategies you might try out. Play with it until you come up with a new way of responding that doesn’t make you a victim. Notice how different it feels to maintain your balance when the going gets tough. Become a skill-building junky! In the example above about having lunch with non-stop talking friend, Jane, you might try interjecting something like, “Heh Jane, I want to update you about what’s happening with Jack” or “Jane, did I tell you what’s happening with Jack?” or “Before I forget, let me tell you the latest about Jack.” Speak up. Let your voice be heard. Make a game of it.
If you want to take this to a deeper level, remember how your life looked to you through your eyes as a child when you were hurt or upset. Look for the bottom line message you told yourself about what was going on and see if that isn’t the same bottom line you are going to as an adult. This can be powerful and illuminating.
Remember, your well-being matters and you are the boss of what goes on inside of you.
https://judithjohnson.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/chains-19176_1280.jpg7201280Judith Johnsonhttps://judithjohnson.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/jj-logo-2.pngJudith Johnson2019-04-06 17:43:482023-11-28 22:04:24Do You Play the Victim in Your Life?
The short answer is “Yes!” But the real problem is the question itself. When we worry about whether we are good enough we are buckling ourselves at the knees over a perceived flaw rather than standing tall in our strengths.
This act of questioning of our sufficiency causes us to feel inferior without our even realizing it. So, it’s a good idea to ask a better question from time to time to monitor our well-being – “Is there anywhere in my life that I experience concern about whether or not I am good enough?” That’s a question we can do something with because the real issue here is how we feel about ourselves, not how we measure up to some external standard of perfection.
Here’s an example. Recently I was applying for representation for some of my work in order to get greater visibility. In my monthly creative support group, I discussed my concerns about one or two areas where I didn’t measure up to the candidate profile this organization offered. One of my colleagues pointed this out to me and directed me to review the areas where I did measure up and exceed their expectations. He questioned why I was focusing on my shortcomings. I realized that was a pattern of behavior for me and that I tended to hold myself up to standards of perfection rather than confidently sharing what I have to offer. In seeing this, I was able to shift my perspective, breaking free of my self-imposed rejection which in turn enabled me to proudly offer my strengths. Somehow, I had been assuming that everyone else had strength in all areas of consideration and that I wasn’t worthy of consideration because I had some shortcomings. My friend helped me realize that we are all mixed bags of strengths and weaknesses. I reframed my goal. Rather than seeking approval from one specific company, I sought to find a healthy match between what I have to offer and an organization that is excited to find me. I realized that I wanted a company that could support me in moving to the next level of my growth and development.
Look in your own life to see where you tell yourself you are not good enough. Do you body shame yourself? Do you tell yourself you are not smart enough? Talented enough? Attractive enough? Accomplished enough? If there are areas where you do this take it to the next level and ask yourself, “Why do I do this to myself? What are my mental and emotional consequences of questioning my worthiness?”
Another way of looking at this issue is to consider the fact that the concern about being good enough is an expression of giving your personal power or agency away. You are telling yourself that other people are better equipped to judge your value than you are and you give them the authority to do so. Here are some examples of questions or thoughts that demonstrate that you are out of balance with yourself:
“Do I look fat in this dress?”
“Maybe if I take this one more course or workshop then my work will be good enough.”
“So and so has more impressive credentials than I do so I probably won’t get the job.”
“If someone doesn’t like my work than it must not be very good.”
“Why would anyone pick me? There are lots of people who are prettier, smarter, more outgoing.”
This issue all boils down to our relationship with ourselves and whether or not we are captain of our own fan club. Rabbi Hillel the Elder (110 BC – 10 AD) deepens this question of doubting our own worthiness and invites us to more fully participating in our own life by asking:
“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?”
Finally, rather than relating to your shortcomings as predictors of failure, consider building skill in making the most of whatever you have. If you are playing cards and have been dealt a bad hand, don’t fold your cards and give up. Instead, consider it a challenge to achieve the best possible results with such a hand. It’s not the hand you are dealt that determines your fate. It’s how you play the hand you are dealt that will be the true measure of your worthiness.
https://judithjohnson.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/woman-918896_1920.jpg12801920Judith Johnsonhttps://judithjohnson.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/jj-logo-2.pngJudith Johnson2019-03-15 13:44:532019-03-15 13:44:53Are You Good Enough?
Obesity: Part 2 of 2 A Personal Perspective
I have discovered an understanding of obesity from my own experience that is different from that of those who define obesity as a Body Mass Index (BMI) above 30.0. I do agree that obesity is a disease, but I do not believe that it is purely a physical measurement. Rather, I think one’s BMI is an indicator of the presence of the disease of obesity.
I believe that no matter how much I weigh and no matter what my BMI, I will be obese till the day I die. Here’s why— It seems to me that obesity is not measured in a moment in time, but rather it is a lifelong metabolic condition. I will always have a tendency to gain weight. Therefore, I cannot afford to live a lifestyle typical of our culture. For me that will result in rapid weight gain accompanied by increased risk of diabetes and heart disease, among other challenging physical conditions and side effects.
When I was growing up in the 50s and 60s, considerations such as whether or not your food was organic or non-GMO didn’t exist. We didn’t have gym memberships either, and Jack LaLanne was just starting what would grow into the fitness industry. The diet industry was simply the idea of weight loss by restricting your calories or taking Metrecal or diet pills. The only real consciousness of eating a balanced diet had to do with the food group pyramid and being urged to “eat your vegetables.” I remember what a treat it was to go out to a particular restaurant I loved where I would have a grilled Taylor pork roll sandwich on a hard roll with cheddar cheese and onion rings, followed by pie ala mode.
At age 71, for the first time in my life, I am maintaining a weight loss. However, getting here has been a painful journey mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was always prone to gaining weight and have gained and lost over 100 pounds four times in my life. I’ve tried every kind of diet and exercised terrific discipline during my weight losses, but like 95% of dieters, I was never able to sustain the loss. This was not only physically and emotionally discouraging, but, I also experienced a tremendous amount of shame and humiliation as well. I thought this was all my fault until I landed in an endocrinologist’s office about four years ago. After waiting many months for the appointment, he measured my resting metabolism and found it to be about 1,000 to 1,2000 calories per day. (An average woman needs to eat about 2,000 calories per day to maintain her weight, and 1,500 calories to lose one pound of weight per week,) The doctor assured me that, indeed, it wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t sustain a weight loss. It was because my body could only process this low level of calories and that it would take an extraordinary amount of self-restraint to limit my caloric intake to this degree, day after day for the rest of my life. However, failure to do so would naturally lead to gaining weight. He looked at me with great sadness in his eyes and offered me no hope. He simply wished me good luck.
I went into a deep depression and resigned myself to being fat for the rest of my life. My only hope or sense of control over the situation was the rate at which I would gain weight.
About two years later, I ran into a friend who was also chronically overweight. She had lost over 100 pounds since I last saw her. Not only was she physically beautiful, but she looked so relieved and relaxed in her new body.
We arranged to get together shortly thereafter, and she explained that she’d had gastric sleeve surgery and was involved in a bariatric support program at our local hospital. It was the first time I had experienced any hope about my weight since seeing the endocrinologist. I made an appointment, learned all about the various kinds of bariatric surgeries and their respective rates of success and failure, and what it would take for me to qualify for the gastric sleeve surgery.
I assure you that anyone who thinks bariatric surgery is an easy way out is speaking from ignorance of what is involved. It is a daunting process of attending support groups and education classes about the various stages of dietary change required before and after surgery, as well as a series of doctor’s appointments with your bariatric surgeon, GP, cardiologist, pulmonologist, and a psychologist. For the many patients who fail their sleep study, a diagnosis of sleep apnea delays their surgery date by several months. An endoscopy is also required weeks before surgery. In coordination with insurance company requirements, all patients have to lose a designated amount of weight to qualify for a surgery date. For several weeks before and after surgery, patients are limited to a high protein liquid diet.
The good news is that after all that, I discovered that, if I follow the rules, I can have long-term success. I was also able to eliminate four of the seven medications I was on. The surgery itself was not the solution. Rather, it was one of several key ingredients combined that made up my recipe for success. In addition to the surgery, I have discovered that my long-term success requires that I keep the following four areas of my life in balance:
So far, so good. I had my surgery over 15 months ago and have lost 112 pounds. For at least five months now, I have maintained exactly the same weight and feel confident in my ability to sustain this success.
For further insight into my journey, and to learn more about mastering the art of being you, read more here. If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!
Obesity: Part 1 of 2 The Facts
Obesity is defined by the World Health Organization (WHO) as abnormal or excessive fat accumulation that may impair health. The American Medical Association (AMA) declared obesity to be a disease in 2013. As a result, increased research and funding are being directed towards obesity drugs, surgery, and counseling as well as for obesity-related diseases, such as type-2 diabetes and heart disease. Labeling obesity as a disease was also intended to decrease the stigma that comes from the widespread belief that obesity is just the outcome of excessive eating and not enough exercise.
A new study – F as in Fat: How Obesity Threatens America’s Future 2013– from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and Trust for America’s Health has recommended that there also be increased attention and funding directed at such initiatives as:
Body Mass Index (BMI) is currently the common measurement for obesity. It is calculated as a person’s weight in kilograms divided by the square of their height in meters. This is a crude and misleading measurement at best as it defines the consequences of obesity rather than its causes. BMI is intended to indicate whether someone’s body weight is normal or not as follows:
What is commonly referred to as morbid obesity is a BMI of over 40.0. Thirty years ago, 1.4% of Americans were morbidly obese, compared to 6.3% today – a rise of 350%.
The United States now has the second highest national level of obesity according to a report by the United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization. In that report, published in July 2013, Mexico’s adult obesity rate of 32.8% was just above America’s 31.8%. Why are so many Americans obese?
Obesity is a chronic disease affecting 95 million Americans – that’s one in three of us. That’s more than three times the number of adults with diabetes. Yet, there remains difficulty in accurately defining the condition, its root causes, and the many ways that it affects our lives. It is not merely a physical manifestation but can be a debilitating social and emotional challenge as well. There is a pervasive misconception that a person is obese solely because they eat too much and exercise too little. In reality the situation is much more complex than that. Aside from genetic and individual variations in our body’s ability to metabolize food, surely our culture and the food industry play significant parts as well.
When we look at obesity within the context of our social and cultural norms, several relevant observations can be made:
Notice how you think about and behave towards obese people. Where judgment comes naturally, try compassion. It’s not easy being fat in a world that caters to the thin. Help break the stigma of obesity by recognizing that there are many contributing factors beyond a simple equation of calories in and out.
In Part Two, I will share my personal journey through the world of obesity and how I found the answers that work for me.
Practicing Soul Awareness
What does it mean to be a soul? Conceptually, in its most general definition, being a soul has to do with living in part as a non-physical being. In other words, part of our “self” is beyond time and space and, according to some religious traditions, is divine in nature.
On a practical level, what does it mean to exist in a body with a personality, mind, and emotions and yet to exist beyond all that on a dimension that cannot be adequately captured in language? How can I be something I cannot even talk about?
I find myself most aware of being a soul or spiritual being when I experience a sense of oneness with another person, my cat, a tree, a flower, or a butterfly. In other words, for a fleeting or lingering moment I merge with the other, and all the definitive ways in which we are different are of no consequence. They disappear from my awareness while I experience a sweet oneness with the other. Sometimes I practice this walking down the street and intentionally make eye contact with another and smiling, invite them in. Some come, some do not. Yet, we all have that capacity.
I have discovered that practicing soul awareness is a great way to break free of my judgments of myself and others. When someone really gets on my last nerve, for example, I could go on and on, telling myself all the things I don’t like about that person and how wrong they are for behaving as they do. I have that choice, but I have come to realize that only makes me increasingly unhappy. I have another choice. I can lift into the oneness that joins me together with this person and feed that awareness instead of building up my unhappiness. I may find myself continuously allergic to this person’s personality. However, every time I am bothered by that dimension of their expression, I have the option of shifting dimensions and focusing instead into that non-physical dimension where we are all one. The mere act of shifting my focus reminds me that I have a choice and that either choice has consequences. If I can be conscious enough to see this option I can save myself a lot of heartache. I can also be part of the solution of greater kindness I choose to participate in rather than allowing myself to fall back into creating more negative vibes.
Each choice each of us makes like this is like casting a vote for the kind of world we want to live in. So, what we are doing within our own inner awareness really does have an impact on our collective consciousness. Each of us in our own inner worlds is contributing to the quality of consciousness we share. Imagine the upside potential of each of us choosing to strengthen our soul awareness instead of judging and rejecting each other. Are you willing to practice soul awareness by being a mental and emotional ecologist?
For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here. If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!
What Are You Afraid Of?
Fear can get triggered in many ways. Some people are afraid of dogs or snakes or spiders, for example. Others fear experiencing such emotional states as humiliation, rejection, shame, loneliness, and failure. Still others fear such life occurrences as poverty, serious illness, or death.
Whether your fear is a momentary reaction or a sustained state of being, energetically, fear is a contraction. It is also a figment of the imagination. What we are afraid of may be real, but our fear is a Fantasy Expectation Appearing Real. We make it up in the theater of our mind and act as though it is real.
In order to learn how to thrive through our fears, it helps to understand what happens in our bodies when we become afraid and to know that we have the power to interrupt this response. According to Bruce Lipton, a cell biologist whose work contributes to bridging the gap between science and spirit, fear literally contracts our energy and paralyzes us from thoughtfully and compassionately responding to the object of our fear. He says:
When we are in a happy state, we are in a state of growth. When we get afraid, we get in a state of protection. And when we get in a state of protection, it completely changes the blood flow to the body, because when you are in a state of growth, you are nourishing the viscera, which is really the organs that take care of maintaining our health, etc. But when we start to get afraid, we want to send the blood to the arms and legs because the arms and legs are what we are going to use for fight or flight to escape the issue or deal with the problem. So the hormones and stress cause the blood vessels in the gut to squeeze shut, which forces the extra blood to go to the periphery where we are going to nourish that fight or flight behavior. Well, interesting enough, the same hormones affect blood vessels in the brain, because when we are in a state of happiness and growth, we are using our conscious reasoning and our thinking and our logical thought. But in a state of a reaction to a threat, conscious reasoning is not very helpful, because it is a very slow process. So, basically what happens is in the presence of stress hormones, blood vessels in the forebrain, which is the center of conscious reasoning and logic, are squeezed shut just like the blood vessels in the gut, and this forces the blood to go to the hindbrain. Well, the hindbrain is reflex and reactive behavior, so basically it says from the moment you get under stress you actually shut down the thinking processes of the conscious mind and open up the reactive, reactionary processes of the hindbrain. . .
Simply put: when we are under stress, we become less intelligent.
Clearly, some fear reactions are justifiable, such as coming face-to-face with a big bear. In other cases, we can learn to retrain our fear response. Fear does not necessarily have to incapacitate us. Consider the following two fear reactions by contestants on a recent show of America’s Got Talent. Both were singing their hearts out seeking their big break. Each was faced with an alarming experience. Simon Cowell interrupted them and asked them to sing a different song. The 30-year-old young man was like a deer in the headlights. Simon offered him the opportunity to come back later in the day which he eventually did successfully. But in the moment, he just stood there speechless and unable to think what to do. In contrast, the eight-year-old girl who was similarly interrupted by Simon was also stunned initially. Simon offered her some water and she smiled and said, “Well, that just happened!” She composed herself and sang another song.
In the moment of our fear being triggered, we can either allow our physiological response described by Bruce Lipton above to kick in and take over and invest in our emotional fears by playing our feared occurrences again and again in our head, or we can do what this little girl did and override our autopilot response by acknowledging that something unpleasant happened and we’re still here.
Here are 5 simple steps to retrain your reaction to things you fear:
Let me know how this works for you. Do you have other techniques you use to overcome your fears? Please share them.
For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here. If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!
Bathing Suit Body Blues
Are you self-conscious in a bathing suit? Join the club. It can help to remember that you are not alone. Bathing suits are funny things. At home, you see yourself naked. You know what you look like. Do you stand in front of the mirror and judge yourself? Or are you able to love the body you are in including its imperfections?
For most of us wearing a bathing suit is as close to naked as we get in public. What parts of your body do you try to hide? Why? How do you feel about those parts of your body? What are you afraid other people are thinking when they see you in your bathing suit? Do you think everyone is looking at you and judging you? Are these reactions simply a projection of what you do at home in front of the mirror?
I have avoided bathing suits for most of my life. As one who has gained and lost over 100 pounds four times in my life, I am well-versed in the bathing suit blues. If you were to meet me today, I would look like a normal-sized person to you. But when I put a bathing suit on, you can see that my skin did not shrink along with my pounds. I have wobbly, striated thighs that I cannot hide in a bathing suit. What to do? There is only one way to liberate myself from the tyranny of other people’s opinions of me and my dancing thighs, and that is to stop giving my power away to the opinion of others. Here are some things I am doing that are successfully reducing my bathing suit body blues:
Worrying about how other people feel about us diminishes our ability to thrive and feel good about ourselves. It puts us at the effect of their perceptions. Whether or not someone is pleased by how you look in a bathing suit doesn’t have to make you feel bad about yourself. Remember, opinions are like noses–everyone has one. So, let people think what they think and go about your business of having a good time. Free yourself of the tyranny of opinions. They belong to another person, not to you. As author and spiritual teacher Terry Cole-Whittaker said, “What you think of me is none of my business.”
Next time you find yourself worrying about how you look in a bathing suit, do a reality check. In the moment you only have two choices: am I going to punish myself for not looking as good as I would like to or am I going to go out and have a good time with how my body is right now?
For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here. If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!
Party Politics or Democracy?
I never write about my political point of view for two reasons – I don’t consider myself to be well-enough informed to do so, and it is difficult to be heard without choosing sides. Yet one side only seems to listen to the other to formulate a counter argument. No one really listens to the other’s message with any concern for the well-being of those holding a different point of view. As soon as one’s point of view sides with one party or the other, it merely affirms one’s party message and turns off those from the other party from hearing what you have to say. But today, I am writing as neither a Democrat nor a Republican, but as an American citizen who is concerned that we as a nation have lost our way in terms of what we stand for and are willing to lay down our lives for.
I am currently reading The Mueller Report. While President Trump is concerned about being declared innocent and building a wall to secure our southern national border, I am concerned about violations to my autonomy as a voting citizen to truly make up my own mind about what I believe to be in the country’s best interest, based on facts rather than the manipulation of my point of view by foreign and domestic influencers.
It is extremely naïve for any of us to believe that the U.S. is “good” and Russia and others who have manipulated our elections are “bad.” The 2/17/2018 New York Times article, Russia Isn’t the Only One Meddling in Elections. We Do It, Too reminds us that the U.S. has done its share of election meddling both at home and abroad as well. But, I don’t think these tactics are the point here.
Rather there is a fundamental international issue at play here that threatens two basic principles:
It is a sobering moment to look now at our country and see that we too violate the sovereignty of other nations even though we excuse ourselves by justifying our actions as serving our commitment to democracy. But where is our democracy? When I look at the respective pursuits of the Democrats and Republicans, I don’t see a shared commitment to the preservation of our democracy and the rule of law. I see self-interest and party politics being held in much higher regard than the form of governance our founding fathers so carefully envisioned for us. Polarization and opposition rule while cooperation and a shared vision of democracy are seen as naïve and unrealistic goals in the heat of the battles we are fighting amongst ourselves. How do gerrymandering and party politics serve we the people of the United States? Why don’t we all want to know what is in The Mueller Report enough to actually sit down and read it? If there is even a slight chance that our president has violated his vow of office, why aren’t we all interested in an impeachment inquiry to get at the truth of the matter so we can decide what to do? Why are we more concerned about the impact that such an action would have on the 2020 election than on our current safety and the well-being of our democracy?
The either/or consciousness of party politics does not value the highest good of all concerned. It is all about “I win and therefore you lose.” Is this the best we can do? What is it going to take for us to rise above this dynamic of trying to shove our point of view down each other’s throat rather than to work together to figure out how to sustain a healthy democracy and truly serve the highest good of ALL Americans. Rather than trying to silence each other and disregard each other’s concerns, when are we going to evolve our consciousness high enough to see ALL Americans should matter to all politicians regardless of party affiliations.
United we stand, divided we fall.
The Trouble with Assumptions and Expectations
Assumptions and expectations carry the same fatal flaw – they create a preconceived notion about the future that we relate to as if it is reality. Then as the situation unfolds and doesn’t match our assumption or expectation we are caught off-guard and are unprepared for what has happened. Typically, the distance between reality and our imagined future gets filled with negative emotional reactions.
The insidious part of this is that it is usually happening without our awareness, and we end up blaming and judging others for not measuring up to our imagined reality. By setting up preconceived notions about how we want our experiences to be, we plant the seeds of our own unhappiness.
Consider the following scenario: Jane and Nash are on their third date. He picks her up in his car, they have a nice time together at dinner, go to a comedy club, and then to a bar for drinks. He invites her to come home with him away from the city where she lives. She’s caught off-guard, not on the same page in terms of where they are in the relationship, panics, and says no. He’s annoyed and sarcastically suggests she pay for their drinks, cuts the evening short, and sends her home in an Uber. Nash had an agenda – he assumed that they would have sex on their third date and expected her to say yes. When she didn’t, he was mad and acted that out by having her pay for the drinks and go home in a cab. His preconceived reality did not have room in it for her to behave any differently than he wanted her to.
How might this have looked if he wasn’t operating out of expectations and assumptions? Here are two possibilities. Had Nash been more tuned in to Jane’s reality he might have realized she wasn’t ready to take their relationship to the next level. Instead of inviting her home, he could have affirmed his affection for her and asked her how she was feeling about their relationship. Or he might have gone ahead with his invitation but been open-minded about her response. In either of these two alternate scenarios, Nash would have been staying present in the moment and emotionally open and free in relationship to Jane’s experience. His focus would be more on wanting to know her better than demanding that she want what he wants when he wants it.
Here are some good questions to ask yourself:
Please share some of the ways that you see assumptions and expectations getting in the way in your life. By sharing our experiences, we help each other.
For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here. If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!
3 Shortcuts to Success
1. Don’t blame anyone.
Next time you feel mentally or emotionally out of balance, check in with yourself about these three points. Keeping them in mind can save you from a lot unnecessary distress.
When something happens that you don’t like, do you immediately try to blame someone? If so, consider these two points:
2. Stay focused in the present.
The present moment is the only one in which you can take any action. When we focus our attention on the past or future, we are not available to respond to whatever is going on in our present moment. If something about the past or future is of concern to you, ask yourself if there is something you can do in the present moment to address your concern. What do you need to do differently in the present to make peace with the past or future? If there is something that needs to get done – do it. If not, choose to refocus your attention on the present moment. Choose to be present in this moment of your life.
3. Assume that everything is “for” your upliftment, learning, and growth.
Instead of seeking more of what you like and trying to sanitize your life of the experiences you don’t like, try accepting it all. Seek to be at peace inside yourself regardless of what is going on in your life and the world around you. When we get caught up in patterns of judging, avoiding, and fearing our life experiences, we are fighting a losing battle. Life gives us all a wide assortment of pleasant and undesirable experiences. Accept the normalcy of life being a mixed bag. Instead of playing the victim when your life doesn’t match your preferences, try raising your consciousness to a point of view where you can assume that everything that happens in your life is offering you an opportunity to lift yourself up, to learn, and to grow. Seek those three rather than transitory preferences and you will be way ahead in the game of life.
What other secrets of success help you stay well-balanced in your life? Please share your ideas to help others.
Do You Play the Victim in Your Life?
Whether your immediate response to this question is “Never” or “All the time” or somewhere in between, playing the victim in your life is an important red flag to learn how to spot if you want to maximize your sense of well-being. Here are some of the major ways playing the victim shows up:
What does it mean to play the victim? The bottom line is it is about giving your power away to your fears, insecurities, or to other people. It is about choosing to tell yourself two key messages:
Let’s look at some examples:
Stop making excuses and blaming others for your unhappiness. Henry Ford offered great wisdom about taking charge in our own lives:
If you always do what you‘ve always done,
you‘ll always get what you‘ve always got.
Here’s a simple 3-step process for reclaiming any personal power you are giving away through playing the victim:
1. Notice when you are playing the victim. Without judgment and with a great sense of humor, observe yourself and notice all the subtle and blatant ways that you declare yourself to be a powerless victim. Be really honest with yourself about this because the more you see, the more you can do something about it. Look at things like:
2. Pay attention to your inner dialogue. What are you telling yourself is true? Be honest about what you are really thinking and feeling. Gather as much detail as you can and ask yourself:
3. Make two new choices: Choose to take responsibility for your behavior and to create a different response. Keeping your sense of humor, start experimenting with new ways of thinking and behaving in these situations. Armed with your new awareness of what you will do and what will happen if you don’t do something different try some of the following techniques:
If you want to take this to a deeper level, remember how your life looked to you through your eyes as a child when you were hurt or upset. Look for the bottom line message you told yourself about what was going on and see if that isn’t the same bottom line you are going to as an adult. This can be powerful and illuminating.
Remember, your well-being matters and you are the boss of what goes on inside of you.
Are You Good Enough?
The short answer is “Yes!” But the real problem is the question itself. When we worry about whether we are good enough we are buckling ourselves at the knees over a perceived flaw rather than standing tall in our strengths.
This act of questioning of our sufficiency causes us to feel inferior without our even realizing it. So, it’s a good idea to ask a better question from time to time to monitor our well-being – “Is there anywhere in my life that I experience concern about whether or not I am good enough?” That’s a question we can do something with because the real issue here is how we feel about ourselves, not how we measure up to some external standard of perfection.
Here’s an example. Recently I was applying for representation for some of my work in order to get greater visibility. In my monthly creative support group, I discussed my concerns about one or two areas where I didn’t measure up to the candidate profile this organization offered. One of my colleagues pointed this out to me and directed me to review the areas where I did measure up and exceed their expectations. He questioned why I was focusing on my shortcomings. I realized that was a pattern of behavior for me and that I tended to hold myself up to standards of perfection rather than confidently sharing what I have to offer. In seeing this, I was able to shift my perspective, breaking free of my self-imposed rejection which in turn enabled me to proudly offer my strengths. Somehow, I had been assuming that everyone else had strength in all areas of consideration and that I wasn’t worthy of consideration because I had some shortcomings. My friend helped me realize that we are all mixed bags of strengths and weaknesses. I reframed my goal. Rather than seeking approval from one specific company, I sought to find a healthy match between what I have to offer and an organization that is excited to find me. I realized that I wanted a company that could support me in moving to the next level of my growth and development.
Look in your own life to see where you tell yourself you are not good enough. Do you body shame yourself? Do you tell yourself you are not smart enough? Talented enough? Attractive enough? Accomplished enough? If there are areas where you do this take it to the next level and ask yourself, “Why do I do this to myself? What are my mental and emotional consequences of questioning my worthiness?”
Another way of looking at this issue is to consider the fact that the concern about being good enough is an expression of giving your personal power or agency away. You are telling yourself that other people are better equipped to judge your value than you are and you give them the authority to do so. Here are some examples of questions or thoughts that demonstrate that you are out of balance with yourself:
This issue all boils down to our relationship with ourselves and whether or not we are captain of our own fan club. Rabbi Hillel the Elder (110 BC – 10 AD) deepens this question of doubting our own worthiness and invites us to more fully participating in our own life by asking:
Finally, rather than relating to your shortcomings as predictors of failure, consider building skill in making the most of whatever you have. If you are playing cards and have been dealt a bad hand, don’t fold your cards and give up. Instead, consider it a challenge to achieve the best possible results with such a hand. It’s not the hand you are dealt that determines your fate. It’s how you play the hand you are dealt that will be the true measure of your worthiness.