Tag Archive for: conscious living

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When Your Dreams Don’t Come True

Just because we want something doesn’t mean it will show up in our life. The key to handling this effectively is to acknowledge and accept your disappointment, and to find appreciation for other things that are present in your life. A 12-year-old contestant on America’s Got Talent taught me a powerful lesson about this recently. While singing her heart out, she was interrupted when Simon Cowell stopped the music. He told her the background track was awful and would she please sing her song a cappella. She looked like a deer in the headlights and after a moment simply said, “Well, that just happened!” She regained her composure and sang beautifully. 

There is a fundamental dynamic that occurs when we encounter disappointment. As depicted below, Point A is where you are and Point B is your unfulfilled dream.

In the process of trying to make sense of our lives, we spend a lot of time connecting the dots between where we are and where we want to be or to go. When the distance between the two is too far apart, we tend to connect the dots by experiencing a lot of negative emotions because we are caught in the dissonance between where we are and where we want to be. 

Alternatively, like the girl mentioned above, we can acknowledge where we are, gather our composure and capabilities, and do our best in the moment. This way we don’t postpone and limit our happiness by limiting it to a particular dream coming true.

No matter how much you want your dream, holding onto it too tightly diminishes your ability to do your best with what is so for you in the present moment. Here’s a typical example. Cynthia is in her early thirties and has always wanted to get married and have children. She is aware of her biological clock ticking away and is distressed that she hasn’t yet found a partner. She believes she has done everything “right” to make her dream come true, yet she remains alone and sees her chance to fulfill this dream slipping away. 

Holding on too tightly to her dream has prevented her from appreciating the life she has. Some part of her believes she can only be really happy if her dream comes true. The flaw in her approach is that she is preventing herself from finding happiness in her actual life.

When you hold reality up to the standard of an unfulfilled dream, it will always fall short and be a disappointment.

A perpetual state of disappointment can easily lead to depression and despair. I’ve had clients who were so devastated by their unfulfilled dreams that they numbed themselves from feeling their despair. They distracted themselves with unrealistic To-Do Lists and saying “Yes” to whatever anyone else wanted them to do, just to avoid feeling their accumulated misery. 

It is critically important to be honest with yourself about how you feel. Doing so will bring you home to the present moment. I often suggest that clients throw themselves a pity party for 10 minutes or so and really wallow in their misery – give voice to it and cry a river if you need to, so you can release the pent up and unexpressed disappointment. Then, get on with being where you are in your life and making delicious lemonade out whatever lemons you think life has dealt you. 

Another typical dashed dream is that our lives should be easier than they are. We often make an assumption that getting from here to there will be uneventful and easy. Chances are it won’t be. Life is full of twists and turns. 

Assumptions and expectations often blind us from what is actually going on in our lives.

Take your life as it comes. Do your best. Let it be a great adventure. And keep your focus on the present so you can respond to the reality of your life rather than trying to force your dreams to come true. 

My spiritual teacher, John-Roger, taught me to express my hopes and dreams in a prayerful way that asks, “May this or something greater that is for my highest good come forward.” Then, let it go, and put one foot in front of the other, staying present in my life. 

For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here.  If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!

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What’s Wrong with Right/Wrong Thinking?

Until we become aware of how our internal data processing determines the reality we perceive, we think we are reacting to an external reality rather than determining what that reality appears to be

For most of us, our socialization includes indoctrination into a binary model of consciousness. In other words, we are taught to sort people and experiences into right/wrong, beautiful/ugly, desirable/undesirable, good/bad, and so on. In fact, life is far more complex and messy than that. Learned biases and preferences short-circuit the process of developing curiosity about those differences that we are taught to reject. There is a built-in bias against diversity in this way of encountering unfamiliar people and experiences. Therefore, diversity requires a new way of perceiving beyond our autopilot right/wrong sorting process. In a binary approach there are only two choices. That means if we encounter someone who is different, we can’t both be “right” or “OK.” As a result, we develop very narrow tolerances for differences, rather than nurturing our curiosity and openness to all kinds of people and experiences.

The best way to tame your inclination to judge anyone who is different than you or any experience you don’t like is to become really curious and to call upon your inner detective. When we are quick to judge, we shut ourselves down. We also close ourselves off from additional information available to us. And our myopic view blinds us from alternative ways of seeing ourselves, the other person, and the situation itself.

When we become curious, we open ourselves up, and draw ourselves closer to those we don’t understand rather than shutting them out or pushing them away. 

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it can save us from many a faulty assumption, preconceived notion, and narrow-minded interpretation of our shared reality. It is also the vital key to rising above the limitations of right/wrong thinking.

By about the age of five or six, we have the foundation of our self-image in place, and we begin to unconsciously protect, conceal, or improve our image of ourselves and to become competitive with the self-images of others. We spend most of our time focused outwards through our self-image as we navigate our way through the world and relate to the imagined self-images being projected by others.

We learn to live in a world that is a collective figment of our imaginations in which we attempt to defend and elevate our      status relative to that of others. 

We selectively filter our perceptions in such a way that we see things that support our existing beliefs and filter out things that do not agree with our way of seeing things. Learning how to become more conscious of our own unique data sorting process is essential to mastering the art of being who we authentically are.

Thriving involves consciously and intentionally developing our ability to override our usual way of being and perceiving. It requires looking within rather than being drawn to an external focus by the dominance of visual sensory input we receive. It means cultivating a non-judgmental perspective towards differences and an awareness of a level upon which we are all the same. This requires cultivation of a childlike curiosity rather than a defensive and competitive stance regarding our perceptions versus those of others. 

Next time you encounter someone or something that threatens your preconceived notions of how things are and should be from your point of view, practice developing greater tolerance of differences and curiosity about how others see and experience our shared world. See if you can expand your comfort zone by choosing a both/and rather than an either/or state of mind. Instead of making different perspectives wrong, inquire and invite dialogue for the purpose of gaining a deeper appreciation for other points of view. The simple fact is that differences do exist. They don’t have to be perceived as a threat to our differing point of view. It’s how we choose to respond to that fact that makes all the difference in the world about our ability to peacefully co-exist or to wage wars against each other.

For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here.  If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!

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Being of Two Minds

 Essentially, there are two contrasting frames of mind through which we perceive ourselves, our lives, environment, and each other. Leading edge thinkers in the field of human consciousness are encouraging us to do two things: 

  • Become familiar with how your ego functions.  Notice that it orients your perceptions so that you are focusing outward comparing and contrasting yourself with others and reacting with either cooperation or rebellion to external authorities such as parents and culture. 
  • Develop the ability to be alert and aware in the present moment. Practice coming to each new moment with a consciousness of neutrality (without preconceived notions of right and wrong). Tune into your own deepest truth and meet your experiences through that lens so you are living a more authentic life from the inside/out.

Think of these two states of mind existing on a continuum.  At any given moment, you are functioning somewhere along that range. What we typically refer to as “awakening” or “becoming more enlightened” involves moving along this scale towards a greater ability to be fully present.

However, this does not require that we annihilate our ego. Rather, we learn to transcend its limitations. Both states of consciousness are always present. The ego strengthens our sense of self as a separate and unique being. Our process of individuation from infancy to adulthood relies on the ego’s reinforcement. However, there is a point at which we either fall into the trap of thinking we are only our ego/personality or we begin to suspect and explore our suspicion that there is more going on here – another dimension of being beyond our physical senses and what we perceive through the ego. This typically is motivated by a yearning for greater authenticity – a desire to nourish a truer and deeper part of the self than what is being perceived through the ego.

Those who are working to raise their state of consciousness are increasing their ability to be fully present and decreasing their inclination to act primarily out of their ego. Exploring and strengthening this ability to perceive life through this other state of consciousness is often referred to as awakening, enlightenment, or reaching a higher state of consciousness. It is a kind of self-realization and empowerment – what I call in my work, mastering the art of being you. It is characterized by a kind of alert awareness in the present moment that enables us to experience more dimensions of the human experience and to master the art of being who we are and living according to what deeply matters to us. Alternatively, those who do not pursue this kind of awakening tend to remain stuck in a repetitive, self-fulfilling prophecy of their ego’s perceptions and desires.

The following chart provides a comparison of these two states of mind. 

Being of Two Minds

Ego Mind Fully-Present Awareness
The Immature Human BeingThe Awakened Human Being
Surviving Thriving
False Self/Personality True Self/Essence
Dualistic – Either/Or ThinkingCo-Existence – Both/And
Right/Wrong Polarized ThinkingNeutrality, Mental Spaciousness
SeparationInterconnected, Oneness
Outer Locus of Focus – Outside/InInner Locus of Focus – Inside/Out
Blaming and JudgingUnderstanding, Empathy
Past/Future OrientedAlert in the Present Moment
Self-Serving Concerned for Highest Good of All
Naming, Comparing, Competing Experiencing in a Neutral State
Doing, Trying, Controlling, Striving,
Alert		Simply Being, Aware, Receptive
Accumulating InformationTapping into Wisdom
Focused on Thoughts, Feelings,
Beliefs		Guided by Heartfelt Inner
Resonance 

*Our attitude is the bridge between these two states of mind. When we change our attitude or perceptual focus, we change our experience. 

Our egos are focused outside of ourselves and are all about preserving our sense of personal identity in this world – not only in and of ourselves, but in comparison and relationship to others. We perceive and register everything in terms of polarized thinking – I like this/I don’t like that; self/other; right/wrong; desirable/to be avoided. This process of categorizing our experiences relative to what we have known in the past or what we are seeking to create in the future directs us according to the perceived relative merit of the experience or person being encountered. We grade everything and compare our experiences to our expectations and desires. Our sense of well-being is conditional and fluctuates depending on what is happening in our outer lives. So, we go about life trying to control what comes our way and striving to manifest more happiness and less unhappiness. 

In contrast, when we are being fully present we are immersed in the experience of the present moment itself – suspending judgment and categorization. We do not filter out or avoid “undesirable” experiences and individuals, but rather learn how to be in their presence without losing our sense of well-being. We are not trying to sanitize our lives of all unpleasant experiences, but rather building the inner strength and wisdom to effectively encounter all of life. 

We live in a society that seduces us to seek validation and fulfillment outside ourselves. It does so without first nurturing us in getting to know ourselves. Most of us are not guided in developing the inner confidence, discernment, resilience, and inner infrastructure needed to effectively maintain our well-being, while navigating life’s ordinariness and challenging transitions. As a result, we often lose track of ourselves and experience all kinds of unnecessary frustrations, disappointments, sadness, self-doubt, and hopelessness that could have been avoided if we were only better acquainted with ourselves, and knew how to thrive in our own skin through all that life brings our way. 

It is important to learn how to distinguish between what we think we know through the filter of our ego and what we know to be true from a deeper place within us. This profound kind of knowing usually shows up effortlessly. For me, there is typically an inner calm that comes over me and a resonance within that recognizes truth when I encounter it. It feels like tapping into wisdom rather than learning information. 

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Is Your God Too Small?

couch with stained glass and domed ceilings

As a mentor and grief counselor, I hear a lot about people’s deepest beliefs and fears and how they are challenged when life gets hard. I am particularly fascinated by how those who profess a belief in god integrate that belief into their lives.

What does it mean to believe in god? In its broadest sense, it means having a worldview that includes the existence of god. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines god as “the Being perfect in power, wisdom, and goodness who is worshipped as creator and ruler of the universe.” Inherent in this definition is a hierarchical relationship to god in which we are inferior or less than god. Perhaps that accounts for our humanity and our inability to ever achieve perfection in our personal power, wisdom, and goodness.

Indeed, there are many things that we do not or cannot know. This is the territory of faith, trust, and surrender. Yet, some people lose faith in god when things happen that they do not understand or are unable to comprehend. For example, when a child dies. Some people lose their faith saying things like, “What kind of a god would let a child die?” Others give up on god because they cannot abide by the hard knocks they have encountered in their lives. They stop believing in god because they have a stronger belief that god has failed them. So, they fire god and declare themselves the god of their life. These gods are way too small.

When we require god to make sense to us, we limit god to our perceptual abilities. 

In his book, The Idea of the Holy, German theologian Rudolph Otto ponders how we are to stand in relationship to god. He concludes that we should stand before god in drop jaw awe – beyond words and concepts. I agree.  When we realize that god is beyond our comprehension, we stand at the edge of our unknowing either in fear or trust, depending on whether we imagine a wrathful or a loving god. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

ï         Why do I or don’t I believe in god?

ï         In what ways do I try to limit god?

ï         How is my relationship with god evident in how I live my life?

ï         Is your god unfathomable? If not, why not?

I would love to hear your thoughts about god. What do you believe and why?

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The Day I Stopped Believing in God

Until 1997, I had a strong belief in god. When I was a child, my god was the god of The Ten Commandments movie — much like Charlton Heston on a cloud. As I matured, so did my concept of god. My god became less imaginable in the image of a person and more of an invisible force. I always imagined god to be benevolent and capable of awareness of each and every one of us simultaneously. The closest I could come to defining god was love – the experience of two or more gathered in goodness.

Then, one day in March, 1997, I was driving south on the Taconic parkway in New York on my way to work. I hit black ice going 60 mph. I no longer had any control over the direction or speed of the car — I was suddenly a passenger and not the driver. 

My car crisscrossed the road four times, and when it was clear I was about to go down a ravine into a swamp, a voice cried out from my belly saying, “I’m not ready to go yet, so you’ve got to take care of me. Please take good care of me.” In that moment, my car did what a mechanic later told my friend was mechanically impossible — it went into reverse. I hung on to the steering wheel while the car made a complete circle going rear first down the ravine and into the swamp. The trunk of the car was sliced all the way through by the tree that stopped the car. The rear window broke into a million pieces. My earrings and glasses flew off my head, landing in the foot area of the front passenger seat. My seat broke, and I was lying face up under the broken rear window, yet I didn’t have a scratch on me, nor was there any glass in my loose-weave wool coat.

I remember my euphoria when I realized the car had stopped. I touched myself and marveled, “I’m alive!” I sat up, retrieved my glasses, earrings, and briefcase and stepped out of the car into the swampy ground. Each step made a loud, moist, suctioning sound as I lifted each foot. I was in total shock, operating on auto pilot. I walked up to the road where the car that had been traveling behind me had pulled over, and this very nice woman beckoned me into her car to wait for the police and ambulance she had called.

I was taken to the hospital. It was as though everyone else I encountered was somehow different from me. They were all worried about me and making a medical fuss. Meanwhile, inside of me my euphoria grew and grew and grew. I was totally blissed out. I had had a spiritual conversion experience that I will never be able to translate in a meaningful way to another human being. I know that now, but at the time I just kept telling people that god is real. The doctors responded by wanting to treat me for post-traumatic stress. I wouldn’t let them. Through this accident I came to know that god is real beyond a shadow of a doubt. I no longer believe in god as an intellectual concept. I know god through personal experience. My knowledge was and remains irrefutable.

Nothing else has ever mattered so much to me as that wonderful gift I was given in a car accident that totaled my car to such a degree that the mechanic automatically offered his condolences to my friend who came to retrieve my belongings. He was incredulous when she told him I was home eating a turkey sandwich. To this day I recall the euphoria and the sense of a glass dome covering my body as the car crashed.

My mother and I were very close, and she shared my deep belief in god, but it wasn’t until two weeks before her death in 2012 that she also was given the gift of knowing god through personal experience. For her, it happened during a breathing treatment. She could barely speak at the time, but told me that she realized that god was breathing her. Like me, she was totally euphoric. That whole day she kept telling everyone who came into her room that god is real. Unfortunately, they all responded to what they thought was an elderly woman on morphine. I guess if you haven’t had the experience yourself, you have no frame of reference. All day, my mom kept asking me when they were going to make the announcement. “Who? What announcement?” I asked. The three most important people in the world she told me. I only remember two of them – the president and the pope. She was urgent about the need for them to let the world know that god is real. “People will want to live their lives differently.” she said.

Have you had an experience like this? If so, I would love to hear about it.

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Staying in the Here and Now

relaxing by the water, enjoying the "now"

There is absolutely no place or time you can ever be but in the here and now. And the here and now keeps expiring. We move through space and time, and before we can even get the words “here” and “now” out of our mouths, they have changed. It’s really a very funny business, this existence.

As fleeting as the here and now are, they are the most powerful time and place we can ever be. In fact, they are the only time and place we can ever be. We can involve our minds and emotions in thinking about or having feelings about the past or future, but we can’t go there. We are here. This might seem simplistic, but it is an enormously powerful awareness to work with to bring peace and harmony to our minds and emotions. 

Every time we focus on the past or future, we are abandoning the present moment unless we do something about our thoughts in the present moment. If there is nothing to do now to resolve a past concern or to anticipate a potential future one, then thinking or worrying about them only means we are probably making ourselves miserable and vacating the present moment. Our attention is not here, it’s there. So we end up being nowhere when we are worrying about the past or future, because we can’t go there and we aren’t present in the now.

Consider something you are worried about that lies in the future. For example, let’s say you are worrying about whether or not you will have good weather during your beach holiday next week. If you listen to your self-talk, you might hear something like this: “What if it rains? We’re spending all this money, and our holiday will be ruined if we don’t have good weather.” When you become aware of having this kind of thinking, you have an important choice to make. Do you let your worries pollute your experience in the here and now? Or do you nip your worries in the bud. Here’s what these two choices look like. If you feed your worries it will be like adding kindling wood to an already burning fire. Your worries will become bigger and bigger as you fantasize all the ways you might not enjoy your expensive vacation. You are just spinning your wheels in the here and now, making yourself miserable, and your vacation hasn’t even happened yet. In fact, it might turn out to be awesome. 

Alternatively, here’s how staying present in the here and now can minimize your worries. Instead of feeding on your worries, when your first concern about the weather comes up, ask yourself “What can I do about this concern in the here and now?” You might decide to look at the weather forecast to get more information. If it looks good, that might stop your worries. If it looks iffy or bad, ask yourself again, “What can I do about this in the here and now?” Maybe the answer is nothing, or you might think, “I’m not going to let that ruin my day today,” or you might decide to pack and plan for bad weather just in case. If there is nothing further to be done in the here and now, choose not to feed your worries so you can enjoy the present. This might seem obvious and simplistic, but it can save the day when autopilot patterns of worrying creep up on you. Try it and let me know how this works for you.

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Obesity: Part 1 of 2 The Facts

Obesity is defined by the World Health Organization (WHO) as abnormal or excessive fat accumulation that may impair health. The American Medical Association (AMA) declared obesity to be a disease in 2013. As a result, increased research and funding are being directed towards obesity drugs, surgery, and counseling as well as for obesity-related diseases, such as type-2 diabetes and heart disease. Labeling obesity as a disease was also intended to decrease the stigma that comes from the widespread belief that obesity is just the outcome of excessive eating and not enough exercise. 

A new study – F as in Fat: How Obesity Threatens America’s Future 2013– from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and Trust for America’s Health has recommended that there also be increased attention and funding directed at such initiatives as:

  • Providing healthier food choices in schools
  • Greater access to physical activity for children and adults 
  • Having restaurants post caloric information on their menus
  • Food and beverage companies marketing only healthy choices to children
  • A greater investment in health and the prevention of disease 
  • Increased availability of healthy and affordable food choices for all

Body Mass Index (BMI) is currently the common measurement for obesity. It is calculated as a person’s weight in kilograms divided by the square of their height in meters. This is a crude and misleading measurement at best as it defines the consequences of obesity rather than its causes. BMI is intended to indicate whether someone’s body weight is normal or not as follows:

  • If your BMI is less than 18.5, it falls within the underweight range.
  • If your BMI is 18.5 to <25, it falls within the normal.
  • If your BMI is 25.0 to <30, it falls within the overweight range.
  • If your BMI is 30.0 or higher, it falls within the obese range.

What is commonly referred to as morbid obesity is a BMI of over 40.0.  Thirty years ago, 1.4% of Americans were morbidly obese, compared to 6.3% today – a rise of 350%.

The United States now has the second highest national level of obesity according to a report by the United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization. In that report, published in July 2013, Mexico’s adult obesity rate of 32.8% was just above America’s 31.8%. Why are so many Americans obese? 

Obesity is a chronic disease affecting 95 million Americans – that’s one in three of us. That’s more than three times the number of adults with diabetes. Yet, there remains difficulty in accurately defining the condition, its root causes, and the many ways that it affects our lives. It is not merely a physical manifestation but can be a debilitating social and emotional challenge as well. There is a pervasive misconception that a person is obese solely because they eat too much and exercise too little. In reality the situation is much more complex than that. Aside from genetic and individual variations in our body’s ability to metabolize food, surely our culture and the food industry play significant parts as well.

When we look at obesity within the context of our social and cultural norms, several relevant observations can be made:

  • Food manufacturers give a greater priority to pleasing our palate than to fueling our bodies. Grocery store shelves and marketing campaigns are filled with foods loaded with sugar, salt, fat, and carbohydrates.
  • Snack foods and desserts have become our go-to foods for parties and celebrations, “treating ourselves,” and pushing down negative feelings.
  • Restaurant portion sizes are typically much larger than what is considered to be a healthy serving.
  • While the diet industry offers all sorts of diet programs, none have proven to result in long-term success for the obese. The average estimate is that 95% of diets fail.
  • We have learned to choose fast foods rather than living at a pace that allows time to prepare and eat more nutritious meals.
  • Those who are obese find it difficult not only to fit into restaurant booths and airplane seats but to be socially and professionally accepted on a par with the non-obese as well. 

Notice how you think about and behave towards obese people. Where judgment comes naturally, try compassion. It’s not easy being fat in a world that caters to the thin. Help break the stigma of obesity by recognizing that there are many contributing factors beyond a simple equation of calories in and out.

In Part Two, I will share my personal journey through the world of obesity and how I found the answers that work for me.

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Practicing Soul Awareness

What does it mean to be a soul? Conceptually, in its most general definition, being a soul has to do with living in part as a non-physical being. In other words, part of our “self” is beyond time and space and, according to some religious traditions, is divine in nature.

On a practical level, what does it mean to exist in a body with a personality, mind, and emotions and yet to exist beyond all that on a dimension that cannot be adequately captured in language? How can I be something I cannot even talk about? 

I find myself most aware of being a soul or spiritual being when I experience a sense of oneness with another person, my cat, a tree, a flower, or a butterfly. In other words, for a fleeting or lingering moment I merge with the other, and all the definitive ways in which we are different are of no consequence. They disappear from my awareness while I experience a sweet oneness with the other. Sometimes I practice this walking down the street and intentionally make eye contact with another and smiling, invite them in. Some come, some do not. Yet, we all have that capacity. 

I have discovered that practicing soul awareness is a great way to break free of my judgments of myself and others. When someone really gets on my last nerve, for example, I could go on and on, telling myself all the things I don’t like about that person and how wrong they are for behaving as they do. I have that choice, but I have come to realize that only makes me increasingly unhappy. I have another choice. I can lift into the oneness that joins me together with this person and feed that awareness instead of building up my unhappiness. I may find myself continuously allergic to this person’s personality. However, every time I am bothered by that dimension of their expression, I have the option of shifting dimensions and focusing instead into that non-physical dimension where we are all one. The mere act of shifting my focus reminds me that I have a choice and that either choice has consequences. If I can be conscious enough to see this option I can save myself a lot of heartache. I can also be part of the solution of greater kindness I choose to participate in rather than allowing myself to fall back into creating more negative vibes. 

Each choice each of us makes like this is like casting a vote for the kind of world we want to live in. So, what we are doing within our own inner awareness really does have an impact on our collective consciousness. Each of us in our own inner worlds is contributing to the quality of consciousness we share. Imagine the upside potential of each of us choosing to strengthen our soul awareness instead of judging and rejecting each other. Are you willing to practice soul awareness by being a mental and emotional ecologist? 

For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here.  If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!

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What Are You Afraid Of?

Fear can get triggered in many ways. Some people are afraid of dogs or snakes or spiders, for example. Others fear experiencing such emotional states as humiliation, rejection, shame, loneliness, and failure. Still others fear such life occurrences as poverty, serious illness, or death. 

Whether your fear is a momentary reaction or a sustained state of being, energetically, fear is a contraction. It is also a figment of the imagination. What we are afraid of may be real, but our fear is a Fantasy Expectation Appearing Real.  We make it up in the theater of our mind and act as though it is real. 

In order to learn how to thrive through our fears, it helps to understand what happens in our bodies when we become afraid and to know that we have the power to interrupt this response. According to Bruce Lipton, a cell biologist whose work contributes to bridging the gap between science and spirit, fear literally contracts our energy and paralyzes us from thoughtfully and compassionately responding to the object of our fear. He says:

When we are in a happy state, we are in a state of growth. When we get afraid, we get in a state of protection.  And when we get in a state of protection, it completely changes the blood flow to the body, because when you are in a state of growth, you are nourishing the viscera, which is really the organs that take care of maintaining our health, etc.  But when we start to get afraid, we want to send the blood to the arms and legs  because the arms and legs are what we are going to use for fight or flight to escape the issue or deal with the problem. So the hormones and stress cause the blood vessels in the gut to squeeze shut, which forces the extra blood to go to the periphery where we are going to nourish that fight or flight behavior.  Well, interesting enough, the same hormones affect blood vessels in the brain, because when we are in a state of happiness and growth, we are using our conscious reasoning and our thinking and our logical thought.  But in a state of a reaction to a threat, conscious reasoning is not very helpful, because it is a very slow process.  So, basically what happens is in the presence of stress hormones, blood vessels in the forebrain, which is the center of conscious reasoning and logic, are squeezed shut just like the blood vessels in the gut, and this forces the blood to go to the hindbrain.  Well, the hindbrain is reflex and reactive behavior, so basically it says from the moment you get under stress you actually shut down the thinking processes of the conscious mind and open up the reactive, reactionary processes of the hindbrain. . .
Simply put: when we are under stress, we become less intelligent.

Clearly, some fear reactions are justifiable, such as coming face-to-face with a big bear. In other cases, we can learn to retrain our fear response. Fear does not necessarily have to incapacitate us. Consider the following two fear reactions by contestants on a recent show of America’s Got Talent. Both were singing their hearts out seeking their big break. Each was faced with an alarming experience. Simon Cowell interrupted them and asked them to sing a different song. The 30-year-old young man was like a deer in the headlights. Simon offered him the opportunity to come back later in the day which he eventually did successfully. But in the moment, he just stood there speechless and unable to think what to do. In contrast, the eight-year-old girl who was similarly interrupted by Simon was also stunned initially. Simon offered her some water and she smiled and said, “Well, that just happened!” She composed herself and sang another song.

In the moment of our fear being triggered, we can either allow our physiological response described by Bruce Lipton above to kick in and take over and invest in our emotional fears by playing our feared occurrences again and again in our head, or we can do what this little girl did and override our autopilot response by acknowledging that something unpleasant happened and we’re still here. 

Here are 5 simple steps to retrain your reaction to things you fear:

  1. Observe yourself. Play detective and watch to see exactly what you do when you get afraid and what triggers your fear.
  2. Interrupt your autopilot response. Practice noticing when your fears kick in. Stay conscious. Don’t lose your mind.
  3. Choose to be OK. Ask yourself, “How else might I respond to this other than being afraid?” Practice telling yourself that you can manage the situation. You can be simultaneously afraid and OK. 
  4. Downgrade your fear. As you practice being OK when you are afraid, your fears will lose their power. Build trust in your ability to cope in the presence of stress.
  5. Repeat. Building new response patterns requires repetition. Be patient and keep doing this consciously until it becomes your new autopilot response.

Let me know how this works for you. Do you have other techniques you use to overcome your fears? Please share them.

For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here.  If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!

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Do You Play the Victim in Your Life?

Whether your immediate response to this question is “Never” or “All the time” or somewhere in between, playing the victim in your life is an important red flag to learn how to spot if you want to maximize your sense of well-being. Here are some of the major ways playing the victim shows up:

  • Difficulty accepting what is happening 
  • Self-talk that reflects self-doubt, judgment, or excuse-making
  • Blaming others for how you are feeling
  • Wanting to run away from the situation you are in 

What does it mean to play the victim? The bottom line is it is about giving your power away to your fears, insecurities, or to other people. It is about choosing to tell yourself two key messages: 

  • It is not my fault.
  • I am helpless to create success in this situation.

Let’s look at some examples:

  • You have an assignment at work and don’t feel confident in your ability to do a great job. Instead of problem-solving the situation to get the help you need, you start running fantasies in your head about how inadequate you are and what will happen if and when you get found out. No one else has rendered you powerless here. You did it all by yourself. You told yourself you couldn’t measure up and made that a self-fulfilling prophecy through the fantasies you spun in your head.
  • You claim to be committed to losing weight but aren’t getting any results. You just keep making excuses about how hard it is because after all, it was your birthday yesterday, and you’re going on a cruise next week, and your car just broke down in front of your favorite fast food restaurant. By making these excuses for yourself, you take no responsibility for your choices and try to convince yourself and others that you had no choices. But you did. Each time, you made the choice to surrender to temptation rather than to keep your word to yourself about losing weight. You keep telling yourself you are trying, but are you really? Trying makes you someone who isn’t doing what it takes to achieve desired results. If you truly want to lose weight, you need to do what it takes to make different choices to get different results.
  • You have accepted a date to have lunch with your friend, Jane. As you sit there listening to her go on and on about herself as she always does, never asking you about your life, you are fuming inside and running an internal commentary about how self-centered and clueless she is. Yet, you sit there nodding your head with a smile on your face hiding the fact that you want to smack her, run away, or scream–but you don’t. You have convinced yourself that it is all her fault, but is it? You won’t risk speaking up or doing something to change the dynamic between you. Instead you just play the victim telling yourself it’s all her fault that you feel the way you do.

Stop making excuses and blaming others for your unhappiness. Henry Ford offered great wisdom about taking charge in our own lives:

If you always do what you‘ve always done,
you‘ll always get what you‘ve always got.

Here’s a simple 3-step process for reclaiming any personal power you are giving away through playing the victim:

1.  Notice when you are playing the victim. Without judgment and with a great sense of humor, observe yourself and notice all the subtle and blatant ways that you declare yourself to be a powerless victim. Be really honest with yourself about this because the more you see, the more you can do something about it. Look at things like:

  • How do I deal with technology challenges? 
  • What goes on inside of me when I am on hold or caught in an endless phone tree trying to get to a human being with answers? 
  • How do I react when I am bored, frustrated, or angered by someone?
  • How do I deal with temptations, stress, or unexpected challenges to meeting my goals?

2.  Pay attention to your inner dialogue. What are you telling yourself is true? Be honest about what you are really thinking and feeling. Gather as much detail as you can and ask yourself:

  • What assumptions am I making about this situation and how do they contribute to my unhappiness? 
  • What common message do my playing-the-victim experiences share?
  • Is this message really the truth or is there something I am afraid of that I avoid experiencing? If so, what is it and what am I afraid will happen if I really take charge of myself in this situation?

3.  Make two new choices:  Choose to take responsibility for your behavior and to create a different response. Keeping your sense of humor, start experimenting with new ways of thinking and behaving in these situations. Armed with your new awareness of what you will do and what will happen if you don’t do something different try some of the following techniques:

  • Practice catching yourself in the act and asking yourself, “How else might I respond to this?”
  • Work on one common reactive pattern at a time. Anticipate it happening again and think of two or three different strategies you might try out. Play with it until you come up with a new way of responding that doesn’t make you a victim. Notice how different it feels to maintain your balance when the going gets tough. Become a skill-building junky! In the example above about having lunch with non-stop talking friend, Jane, you might try interjecting something like, “Heh Jane, I want to update you about what’s happening with Jack” or “Jane, did I tell you what’s happening with Jack?” or “Before I forget, let me tell you the latest about Jack.”  Speak up. Let your voice be heard. Make a game of it.

If you want to take this to a deeper level, remember how your life looked to you through your eyes as a child when you were hurt or upset. Look for the bottom line message you told yourself about what was going on and see if that isn’t the same bottom line you are going to as an adult. This can be powerful and illuminating. 

Remember, your well-being matters and you are the boss of what goes on inside of you.

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