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When Your Dreams Don’t Come True

How often are you disappointed? Do your disappointments tend to be about life-altering things or just not getting what you want in daily life? Just because we want something doesn’t mean it will or should show up in our life.

The problem with dissatisfaction is not what you didn’t get.  It’s what you created in terms of negative thoughts and feelings about it.

Acceptance is the key here because it allows you to move on to figuring out what to do next rather than being upset about what didn’t happen.

A 12-year-old contestant on America’s Got Talent taught me a powerful lesson about this recently. While singing her heart out, she was interrupted when Simon Cowell stopped the music. He told her the background track was awful and would she please sing her song a cappella. She looked like a deer in the headlights and after a moment simply said, “Well, that just happened!” She regained her composure and sang beautifully. 

There is a fundamental dynamic that occurs when we encounter disappointment. As depicted below, Point A is where you are and Point B is your unfulfilled dream.

When reality falls short of your desires, do you accept that? Or, does your mind create a static of negative thoughts and feelings as it tries to connect the dots. When we are attached to our desires, we get caught in the dissonance of trying to bridge the gap between where we are and where we want to be. 

Alternatively, like the girl mentioned above, we can acknowledge where we are, gather our composure and capabilities, and do our best in the moment. This way we don’t postpone and limit our potential happiness by being attached to a particular dream coming true. Maybe there is a better dream trying to come forward. 

No matter how much you want your dream, holding onto it too tightly diminishes your ability to do your best with what is so for you in the present moment. Here’s a typical example. Cynthia is in her early thirties and has always wanted to get married and have children. She is aware of her biological clock ticking away and is distressed that she hasn’t yet found a partner. She believes she has done everything “right” to make her dream come true, yet she remains alone and sees her chance to fulfill this dream slipping away. 

Holding on too tightly to her dream has prevented her from appreciating the life she has. Some part of her believes she can only be really happy if her dream comes true. The flaw in her approach is that she is preventing herself from finding happiness in her actual life.

When you hold reality up to the standard of an unfulfilled dream, it will always fall short and be a disappointment.

A perpetual state of disappointment can easily lead to depression and despair. I’ve had clients who were so devastated by their unfulfilled dreams that they numbed themselves from feeling their despair. Some got caught in substance addictions. Others distracted themselves with unrealistic To-Do Lists and saying “Yes” to whatever anyone else wanted them to do, just to avoid feeling their accumulated misery. 

It is critically important to be honest with yourself about how you feel. Doing so will bring you home to the present moment. I often suggest that clients throw themselves a pity party for 10 minutes or so and really wallow in their misery. Give voice to it and cry a river if you need to. Just do so with the intention of releasing the pent up and unexpressed disappointment. Then, get on with being where you are in your life and making delicious lemonade out whatever lemons you think life has dealt you. 

One typical illulsion some of us get caught up in is the belief that our lives should be easier than they are. We often make an assumption that getting from here to there will be uneventful and easy. Chances are it won’t be. Life is full of twists and turns. 

Assumptions and expectations often blind us from what is actually going on in our lives.

Take your life as it comes. Do your best. Let it be a great adventure. Keep your focus on the present.  Respond to the reality of your life rather than trying to force your dreams to come true. 

My spiritual teacher, John-Roger, taught me to express my hopes and dreams in a prayerful way that asks, “May this or something greater that is for my highest good come forward.” Then, let it go, and put one foot in front of the other, staying present in my life. 

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Is Your God Too Small?

Do you experience God? Or, is God a concept to you? Or, perhaps God is not something that matters to you. 

Some people worship very small gods like the god of opinion or the god of money, power, status, and success. Some relate to God as a concept. Others experience God. And some deny the existence of God.

As a mentor and grief counselor, I hear a lot about people’s deepest beliefs and fears. I am particularly fascinated by how a belief in God is expressed in how people live their lives.

What does it mean to believe in God? In its broadest sense, it means having a worldview that includes the existence of God.

Here are three attempts to define God in words:

  • Oxford Dictionary: “In Christianity and other monotheistic religions, the creator and ruler of the universe and source of all moral authority; the supreme being.” 
  • Merriam-Webster Dictionary:“The supreme or ultimate reality: such as the Being perfect in power, wisdom, and goodness who is worshipped (as in Judaism, Christianity, Islam, and Hinduism) as creator and ruler of the universe.” 
  • Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy: “Much of western thought about God has fallen within some broad form of theism. Theism is the view that there is a God which is the creator and sustainer of the universe and is unlimited with regard to knowledge (omniscience), power (omnipotence), extension (omnipresence), and moral perfection. Though regarded as sexless, God has traditionally been referred to by the masculine pronoun.”

I find it interesting that we define God in human terms and with human attributes and aspirations. It is difficult to formulate ideas about God without imagining God to exist in within space and time. We are likely to get caught up in a “Where’s Waldo?” kind of speculation about the placement of God. Is God outside of us and/or within us?  When God is perceived in man’s image and attributed a pronoun, we limit God by our cognitive capabilities and imagination. This line of thinking omits the possibility of a formless and unfathomable God.

Whatever our conception of God may be, it is important to recognize that God is not validated into existence by our belief. 

There are many things that we do not or cannot know. This is the territory of faith, trust, and surrender. Some people lose faith in God when things happen that they do not understand or are unable to comprehend. For example, when a child dies. Some people lose their faith saying, “What kind of a god would let a child die?” Others give up on God because they cannot abide by the hard knocks they have encountered in their lives. They stop believing in God because they have a stronger belief that God has failed them. So, they fire God and declare themselves the god of their life. These gods are way too small.

When someone finds little or no interest in spiritual matters, that does not mean that these dimensions do not exist. As professed by the Delphic Oracle, expressed in the teachings of Dutch Renaissance humanist, Desiderius Erasmus, and carved over the front door of the eminent psychologist Carl Jung —

“Bidden or not bidden, God is present.”

For Jung this statement served to remind those entering that awe of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom (Psalms 111.10).

Many do not believe in the existence of a creator of this world and all who exist in it. Others recognize a mystical quality to life that awakens and inspires a sense of spiritual mystery and an aspiration to goodness.

My awareness of God is constantly evolving and God remains fundamental to my worldview. My understanding of myself as a spiritual being has evolved from conceptual to experiential.

As a child, I thought of God as a fatherly man in a white robe. He lived on a cloud and ran the whole world. That god, conceived by man, in the image of man, became too small for me. The God I speak of now is not limited by human vocabulary, form, or imagination. I no longer try to conceptualize God, I experience God to be something greater than us that has us. I live with an awareness of God’s presence. 

 As I awakened spiritually, I came to know myself as a soul among other souls having human experiences. In the higher levels of consciousness above my ego, I came to know myself to be an individuated aspect or expression of the divine that cannot be created or destroyed. 

It is interesting to note that in both Greek and Hebrew soul means breath or life.

Now, even my perceived identity as a soul is giving way into the divine as a pervading oneness. I have come to know God as the source of my life, my breath, and my multi-dimensional existence as a soul, body, and consciousness. I experience God as oneness and a creative, purposeful force of all we experience.

The Hebraic name for God, hu, is said to express the vibrational frequency of God in such a way that it causes the soul to yearn to go home to the heart of God.

While I believe that we all are essentially divine beings, it is apparent that we have varying degrees of awareness of that reality. And, when we are not aware of something––it is as though it does not exist for us. And, we function accordingly.

In his book, The Idea of the Holy, German theologian Rudolph Otto ponders how we are to stand in relationship to God. He concludes that we should stand before God in drop jaw awe – beyond words and concepts. When we realize that God is beyond our comprehension, we stand at the edge of our unknowing either in fear or trust, depending on whether we imagine a wrathful or a loving God. 

Unique perspectives of spiritual awareness are activated in different individuals. I believe that one’s level of awareness is perfect for whatever that individual is doing in this lifetime. It is not better or worse than the level of awakening of another person.

I remember two weeks before my mother’s death when she had a profound spiritual awakening. Her relationship to God was upgraded from a conceptual belief in God to knowing experientially that God was breathing her. She urgently wanted everyone in the world to know because, as she explained:

“People will want to live their lives differently.”

 

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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Do You Play the Victim in Your Life?

Do you live at the cause or at the effect of your own life? Do you think what you experience is a response to other people and external events? Or do you see how you create, promote, and allow what happens to you? When we play the victim, we are placing ourselves at the effect of someone else’s attitude or behavior. Here are some of the major ways playing the victim shows up:

  • difficulty accepting what is happening 
  • self-talk that reflects self-doubt, judgment, or excuse-making
  • blaming others for how you are feeling
  • wanting to run away from the situation you are in 

Playing the victim is about giving your power away to your fears, insecurities, or to other people.

It is about choosing to tell yourself two key messages: 

  • It is not my fault.
  • I am helpless to create success in this situation.

Let’s look at some examples:

  • You have an assignment at work and don’t feel confident in your ability to do a great job. Do you automatically engage in problem-solving the situation to get the help you need? Or, do you start running fantasies in your head about how inadequate you are? You might create a fantasy about what will happen if and when you get found out. No one else has rendered you powerless here. You did it all by yourself. You told yourself you couldn’t measure up and made that a self-fulfilling prophecy through the fantasies you spun in your head.
  • You claim to be committed to losing weight but aren’t getting any results. You keep making excuses about how hard it is. You might tell yourself, well, yesterday was my birthday, or I’ll diet after my cruise next week. Or, my car just happened to break down in front of my favorite fast food restaurant. By making these excuses for yourself, you take no responsibility for your choices. You try to convince yourself and others that you had no choice. But you did. Each time, you made the choice to surrender to temptation rather than to keep your word to yourself about losing weight. You keep telling yourself you are trying, but are you really? Trying is different from doing. “I’m trying” is often code for telling ourselves we are a good person even if we aren’t getting the results we want. Doing involves taking the actions that allow you to achieve desired results. If you truly want to lose weight, you need to do what it takes to make different choices to get different results.
  • You have accepted a date to have lunch with your friend, Jane. You sit there listening to her go on and on about herself as she always does. She never asks you about your life. You are fuming inside and running an internal commentary about how self-centered and clueless she is. Yet, you sit there nodding your head with a smile on your face. You attempt to hide the fact that you want to smack her, run away, or scream. But you don’t. You have convinced yourself that it is all her fault, but is it? You won’t risk speaking up or doing something to change the dynamic between you. Instead you just play the victim telling yourself it’s all her fault that you feel the way you do.

Stop making excuses and blaming others for your unhappiness. Henry Ford offered great wisdom about taking charge of our lives:

If you always do what you‘ve always done,
you‘ll always get what you‘ve always got.

Here’s a simple 3-step process for reclaiming any personal power you are giving away through playing the victim:

1.  Notice when you are playing the victim. Without judgment and with a great sense of humor, observe yourself. Notice all the subtle and blatant ways that you declare yourself to be a powerless victim. Be really honest with yourself about this. The more you see, the more you can do something about it. Look at things like:

  • How do you deal with technology challenges? 
  • What goes on inside of you when you are on hold or caught in an endless phone tree trying to get to a human being with answers? 
  • How do you react when you are bored, frustrated, or angered by someone?
  • How do you deal with temptations, stress, or unexpected challenges to meeting your goals?

2.  Pay attention to your inner dialogue. What are you telling yourself is true? Be honest about what you are really thinking and feeling. Gather as much detail as you can and ask yourself:

  • What assumptions am I making about this situation and how do they contribute to my unhappiness? 
  • What common message do my playing-the-victim experiences share?
  • Is this message really the truth? Is there something I am afraid of that I am avoiding experiencing? If so, what is it and what am I afraid will happen if I really take charge of myself in this situation?

3.  Make two new choices:  Choose to take responsibility for your behavior and to create a different response. Keeping your sense of humor, start experimenting with new ways of thinking and behaving in these situations. Armed with your new awareness of what you will do and what will happen if you don’t do something different try some of the following techniques:

  • Practice catching yourself in the act and asking yourself, “How else might I respond to this?”
  • Work on one common reactive pattern at a time. Anticipate it happening again and think of two or three different strategies you might try out. Play with it until you come up with a new way of responding that doesn’t make you a victim. Notice how different it feels to maintain your balance when the going gets tough. Become a skill-building junky! In the example above about having lunch with non-stop talking friend, Jane, you might try interjecting something like, “Heh Jane, I want to update you about what’s happening with Jack” or “Jane, did I tell you what’s happening with Jack?” or “Before I forget, let me tell you the latest about Jack.”  Speak up. Let your voice be heard. Make a game of it.

If you want to take this to a deeper level, remember how your life looked to you through your eyes as a child when you were hurt or upset. Look for the bottom line message you told yourself about what was going on. See if that isn’t the same bottom line you are going to as an adult. This can be powerful and illuminating. 

Remember, your well-being matters and you are the boss of what goes on inside of you.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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Leaving the Past Behind

Are you keeping your past alive in the present? Or have you harvested its lessons and learned from it? We all have scars from our past. But what do we do with them now? That’s a really important question.

In mentoring clients, I typically find that their current distress mirrors unresolved upsets from the past. For example, Ellen who was never able to feel loved by her father. She has now been repeatedly drawing men into her with whom she also failed to experience love. Why did this happen? Think of it as a karmic pattern that is seeking healing.

Your life will continue to replicate an unresolved situation until you are able to neutralize the state of consciousness from which you relate to it.

Ellen was caught in a pattern in which she had convinced herself that she was fundamentally unlovable. As I observed her, I noticed that she was turned off by men who liked her. Instead, she was attracted to those who gave her no encouragement and treated her badly.

Could it be that she was simply staying in her comfort zone? This is counter-intuitive but typical. She knew herself as a woman who was rejected by the men whose affection she wanted. That became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

She didn’t know how to be a woman loved by men. Through her eyes as a child, she recognized that her father didn’t show her love. But she had falsely concluded that the reason was because she was unlovable. As a child, she could not see that he had difficulty expressing his caring for others. She carried that unchallenged belief forward into adulthood until we were able to expose it and release it together.

She came to see that the faulty conclusion of her past was inhibiting her from experiencing love in the present. It was wonderful to watch her realize that she had the power to change how she saw herself. She began taking pride in herself and replacing her old, self-rejecting belief with appreciation for her own goodness. As a result the affection of good men became desirable to her.

She stepped out of the belief that she was unlovable. She left the past behind. I asked her what life lesson this had taught her. She told me she learned to pay attention to her own beliefs about herself when in situations that were difficult for her to see if she was sabotaging herself.

I had a similar situation during a recent weight loss journey. I reached a plateau and couldn’t get the scale to move despite following all the rules. In observing myself, I realized the issue was emotional. In listening to my self-talk, I kept hearing, “I don’t know her.” When I explored this, I recognized that I was afraid to go past that particular number on the scale. In my mind it represented a level of success with which I was not comfortable. I knew how to be almost successful, but I didn’t know how to go for and get the brass ring of success. It took several months before I was able to break through this barrier. Now I am learning new life skills and a level of self-trust that was not apparent and therefore not available to me before.

When we become too familiar with failure, we have to push through our own resistance to the unfamiliar territory of success.

Leaving the past behind often requires that we recognize the ways we sabotage ourselves out of fear of moving into the unknown. Being good at failing and being disappointed doesn’t mean you can’t also be really good at success and exceeding your dreams. It simply requires a new point of view.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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What’s Wrong with Right/Wrong Thinking?

Until we become aware of how our internal data processing determines the reality we perceive, we think we are reacting to an external reality rather than determining what that reality appears to be

For most of us, our socialization includes indoctrination into a binary model of consciousness. In other words, we are taught to sort people and experiences into right/wrong, beautiful/ugly, desirable/undesirable, good/bad, and so on. In fact, life is far more complex and messy than that. Learned biases and preferences short-circuit the process of developing curiosity about those differences that we are taught to reject. There is a built-in bias against diversity in this way of encountering unfamiliar people and experiences. Therefore, diversity requires a new way of perceiving beyond our autopilot right/wrong sorting process. In a binary approach there are only two choices. That means if we encounter someone who is different, we can’t both be “right” or “OK.” As a result, we develop very narrow tolerances for differences, rather than nurturing our curiosity and openness to all kinds of people and experiences.

The best way to tame your inclination to judge anyone who is different than you or any experience you don’t like is to become really curious and to call upon your inner detective. When we are quick to judge, we shut ourselves down. We also close ourselves off from additional information available to us. And our myopic view blinds us from alternative ways of seeing ourselves, the other person, and the situation itself.

When we become curious, we open ourselves up, and draw ourselves closer to those we don’t understand rather than shutting them out or pushing them away. 

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it can save us from many a faulty assumption, preconceived notion, and narrow-minded interpretation of our shared reality. It is also the vital key to rising above the limitations of right/wrong thinking.

By about the age of five or six, we have the foundation of our self-image in place, and we begin to unconsciously protect, conceal, or improve our image of ourselves and to become competitive with the self-images of others. We spend most of our time focused outwards through our self-image as we navigate our way through the world and relate to the imagined self-images being projected by others.

We learn to live in a world that is a collective figment of our imaginations in which we attempt to defend and elevate our      status relative to that of others. 

We selectively filter our perceptions in such a way that we see things that support our existing beliefs and filter out things that do not agree with our way of seeing things. Learning how to become more conscious of our own unique data sorting process is essential to mastering the art of being who we authentically are.

Thriving involves consciously and intentionally developing our ability to override our usual way of being and perceiving. It requires looking within rather than being drawn to an external focus by the dominance of visual sensory input we receive. It means cultivating a non-judgmental perspective towards differences and an awareness of a level upon which we are all the same. This requires cultivation of a childlike curiosity rather than a defensive and competitive stance regarding our perceptions versus those of others. 

Next time you encounter someone or something that threatens your preconceived notions of how things are and should be from your point of view, practice developing greater tolerance of differences and curiosity about how others see and experience our shared world. See if you can expand your comfort zone by choosing a both/and rather than an either/or state of mind. Instead of making different perspectives wrong, inquire and invite dialogue for the purpose of gaining a deeper appreciation for other points of view. The simple fact is that differences do exist. They don’t have to be perceived as a threat to our differing point of view. It’s how we choose to respond to that fact that makes all the difference in the world about our ability to peacefully co-exist or to wage wars against each other.

For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here.  If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!

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When a Difference of Opinion Threatens a Friendship

What happens when you have a significant difference of opinion with someone you care deeply about? How do you evaluate what is going on? How do you treat each other? What kind of outcome can you expect? 20/20 hindsight gives us a much clearer understanding than what we see in the midst of a heated disagreement.

Here’s what I think is important to consider in dealing with a heated disagreement with someone you deeply care about:  

1. You are not seeing the same situation the same way.

  • Each person experiences the shared situation through the filter of their own expectations, assumptions, past experiences, beliefs, wounds, and habitual patterns of behavior.
  • Given our unique filtering process, we do not see the same situation the same way. While there is a certain objective reality to what has occurred, there are also two distinct perceptions of reality that may be similar or vastly different.

2. Each person has their own habitual ways of reacting.

  • It is helpful to observe yourself and the other person to see your respective reaction patterns. Are either of you copping an attitude and harsh judgment of the other? If so, by viewing the situation through that filter you are probably refusing to consider the other person’s point of view. If you are caught in a pattern of judging and rejecting the other person as the cause of your distress, you are likely selectively interpreting what is happening to prove yourself right rather than to reach across the great divide to the other person. Do you judge and reject the other person, or are you open to finding out what the other person is experiencing? Are you willing to discuss what is happening, or do you shut the other person out? Do your feelings get hurt? Do you get angry? Do you keep trying to explain your point of view, even if the other person doesn’t want to hear it or is incapable of hearing it? 

3.  The way out is not by making one person right and the other one wrong.

  • When we blame and judge the other person, we are attempting to be right and justified in holding them responsible for the discord and our upset. This typically results in an inability to even consider what the other person’s experience is and in selectively acknowledging and remembering only those aspects of the situation which support your myopic  point of view. 
  • Believing that you are right might feel good, but it only serves to maintain the divide between you.
  • Better than being right is being wise enough to seek understanding of the other person’s point of view in an effort to heal the situation.

4.  Behaviors have consequences.

  • How people treat each other matters deeply. If we are cruel and judgmental, we seed fear and distrust. If we are kind, we create safe places for us to be together. We are responsible for what we are creating, promoting, and allowing in our relationships and how our behavior impacts others around us as well. For example, parents who engage in a toxic relationship are poor role models for their children. Two friends who have a falling out create tension and drama in their shared community that is often unfair to one or the other.

5.  You are responsible for the choices you make. And sometimes when we get hot under the collar, we don’t make very good choices. Nonetheless, we are responsible for our attitudes and behaviors. 

I’m currently sorting my way through a disagreement that resulted in a 35-year precious friendship irreparably blowing up. I cannot speak to what the other person involved was experiencing and why she refused to try to heal what was happening. On my final appeal to her to do so, she responded, “Not in this lifetime.” No matter how unreasonable such a response might seem, I recognize that she has a right to make that choice. 

Each person has their own way of reacting to a difference of opinion where the outcome is particularly important to them. For example, I first became aware of the problem with my friend when she expressed anger and judgement towards me and blamed her unhappiness on me. I reacted with shock and kept trying to share my very different perspective on what was going on, but she refused to hear it. 

When one person refuses to seek healing and reconciliation, the other is forced to move forward without any shared resolution. For me, this is the hardest part  – to have no hope and to be left to grieve a friendship I treasured. But life doesn’t always make sense. Our relationship is over, and there is nothing more for me to do about that.  But there are life lessons for me to learn here about how I engage with others while remaining true to myself. Here are some of the things I am looking at: 

  • Did I do my best moving through this situation?
  • Was I compassionate about her distress?
  • In what ways did I respect or disrespect myself or her?
  • What was most difficult for me, and how did I handle that? 
  • Where could I have done better?
  • What do I need to do to support myself in processing what has just happened?
  • Am I willing to forgive us both for our inability to create a better outcome?
  • What would God have me learn from this to do better in the future?

None of us are perfect. I do believe that we are all doing the best we can, and this is what that looks like. All we can really ask of ourselves is to remain true to ourselves, be kind to each other, and stay open to learning our life lessons as we move through our experiences. Trials and tribulations are a natural part of life, and so it behooves us to build skill in meeting life’s challenges.

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Being of Two Minds

 Essentially, there are two contrasting frames of mind through which we perceive ourselves, our lives, environment, and each other. Leading edge thinkers in the field of human consciousness are encouraging us to do two things: 

  • Become familiar with how your ego functions.  Notice that it orients your perceptions so that you are focusing outward comparing and contrasting yourself with others and reacting with either cooperation or rebellion to external authorities such as parents and culture. 
  • Develop the ability to be alert and aware in the present moment. Practice coming to each new moment with a consciousness of neutrality (without preconceived notions of right and wrong). Tune into your own deepest truth and meet your experiences through that lens so you are living a more authentic life from the inside/out.

Think of these two states of mind existing on a continuum.  At any given moment, you are functioning somewhere along that range. What we typically refer to as “awakening” or “becoming more enlightened” involves moving along this scale towards a greater ability to be fully present.

However, this does not require that we annihilate our ego. Rather, we learn to transcend its limitations. Both states of consciousness are always present. The ego strengthens our sense of self as a separate and unique being. Our process of individuation from infancy to adulthood relies on the ego’s reinforcement. However, there is a point at which we either fall into the trap of thinking we are only our ego/personality or we begin to suspect and explore our suspicion that there is more going on here – another dimension of being beyond our physical senses and what we perceive through the ego. This typically is motivated by a yearning for greater authenticity – a desire to nourish a truer and deeper part of the self than what is being perceived through the ego.

Those who are working to raise their state of consciousness are increasing their ability to be fully present and decreasing their inclination to act primarily out of their ego. Exploring and strengthening this ability to perceive life through this other state of consciousness is often referred to as awakening, enlightenment, or reaching a higher state of consciousness. It is a kind of self-realization and empowerment – what I call in my work, mastering the art of being you. It is characterized by a kind of alert awareness in the present moment that enables us to experience more dimensions of the human experience and to master the art of being who we are and living according to what deeply matters to us. Alternatively, those who do not pursue this kind of awakening tend to remain stuck in a repetitive, self-fulfilling prophecy of their ego’s perceptions and desires.

The following chart provides a comparison of these two states of mind. 

Being of Two Minds

Ego Mind Fully-Present Awareness
The Immature Human BeingThe Awakened Human Being
Surviving Thriving
False Self/Personality True Self/Essence
Dualistic – Either/Or ThinkingCo-Existence – Both/And
Right/Wrong Polarized ThinkingNeutrality, Mental Spaciousness
SeparationInterconnected, Oneness
Outer Locus of Focus – Outside/InInner Locus of Focus – Inside/Out
Blaming and JudgingUnderstanding, Empathy
Past/Future OrientedAlert in the Present Moment
Self-Serving Concerned for Highest Good of All
Naming, Comparing, Competing Experiencing in a Neutral State
Doing, Trying, Controlling, Striving,
Alert		Simply Being, Aware, Receptive
Accumulating InformationTapping into Wisdom
Focused on Thoughts, Feelings,
Beliefs		Guided by Heartfelt Inner
Resonance 

*Our attitude is the bridge between these two states of mind. When we change our attitude or perceptual focus, we change our experience. 

Our egos are focused outside of ourselves and are all about preserving our sense of personal identity in this world – not only in and of ourselves, but in comparison and relationship to others. We perceive and register everything in terms of polarized thinking – I like this/I don’t like that; self/other; right/wrong; desirable/to be avoided. This process of categorizing our experiences relative to what we have known in the past or what we are seeking to create in the future directs us according to the perceived relative merit of the experience or person being encountered. We grade everything and compare our experiences to our expectations and desires. Our sense of well-being is conditional and fluctuates depending on what is happening in our outer lives. So, we go about life trying to control what comes our way and striving to manifest more happiness and less unhappiness. 

In contrast, when we are being fully present we are immersed in the experience of the present moment itself – suspending judgment and categorization. We do not filter out or avoid “undesirable” experiences and individuals, but rather learn how to be in their presence without losing our sense of well-being. We are not trying to sanitize our lives of all unpleasant experiences, but rather building the inner strength and wisdom to effectively encounter all of life. 

We live in a society that seduces us to seek validation and fulfillment outside ourselves. It does so without first nurturing us in getting to know ourselves. Most of us are not guided in developing the inner confidence, discernment, resilience, and inner infrastructure needed to effectively maintain our well-being, while navigating life’s ordinariness and challenging transitions. As a result, we often lose track of ourselves and experience all kinds of unnecessary frustrations, disappointments, sadness, self-doubt, and hopelessness that could have been avoided if we were only better acquainted with ourselves, and knew how to thrive in our own skin through all that life brings our way. 

It is important to learn how to distinguish between what we think we know through the filter of our ego and what we know to be true from a deeper place within us. This profound kind of knowing usually shows up effortlessly. For me, there is typically an inner calm that comes over me and a resonance within that recognizes truth when I encounter it. It feels like tapping into wisdom rather than learning information. 

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The Day I Stopped Believing in God

Until 1997, I had a strong belief in god. When I was a child, my god was the god of The Ten Commandments movie — much like Charlton Heston on a cloud. As I matured, so did my concept of god. My god became less imaginable in the image of a person and more of an invisible force. I always imagined god to be benevolent and capable of awareness of each and every one of us simultaneously. The closest I could come to defining god was love – the experience of two or more gathered in goodness.

Then, one day in March, 1997, I was driving south on the Taconic parkway in New York on my way to work. I hit black ice going 60 mph. I no longer had any control over the direction or speed of the car — I was suddenly a passenger and not the driver. 

My car crisscrossed the road four times, and when it was clear I was about to go down a ravine into a swamp, a voice cried out from my belly saying, “I’m not ready to go yet, so you’ve got to take care of me. Please take good care of me.” In that moment, my car did what a mechanic later told my friend was mechanically impossible — it went into reverse. I hung on to the steering wheel while the car made a complete circle going rear first down the ravine and into the swamp. The trunk of the car was sliced all the way through by the tree that stopped the car. The rear window broke into a million pieces. My earrings and glasses flew off my head, landing in the foot area of the front passenger seat. My seat broke, and I was lying face up under the broken rear window, yet I didn’t have a scratch on me, nor was there any glass in my loose-weave wool coat.

I remember my euphoria when I realized the car had stopped. I touched myself and marveled, “I’m alive!” I sat up, retrieved my glasses, earrings, and briefcase and stepped out of the car into the swampy ground. Each step made a loud, moist, suctioning sound as I lifted each foot. I was in total shock, operating on auto pilot. I walked up to the road where the car that had been traveling behind me had pulled over, and this very nice woman beckoned me into her car to wait for the police and ambulance she had called.

I was taken to the hospital. It was as though everyone else I encountered was somehow different from me. They were all worried about me and making a medical fuss. Meanwhile, inside of me my euphoria grew and grew and grew. I was totally blissed out. I had had a spiritual conversion experience that I will never be able to translate in a meaningful way to another human being. I know that now, but at the time I just kept telling people that god is real. The doctors responded by wanting to treat me for post-traumatic stress. I wouldn’t let them. Through this accident I came to know that god is real beyond a shadow of a doubt. I no longer believe in god as an intellectual concept. I know god through personal experience. My knowledge was and remains irrefutable.

Nothing else has ever mattered so much to me as that wonderful gift I was given in a car accident that totaled my car to such a degree that the mechanic automatically offered his condolences to my friend who came to retrieve my belongings. He was incredulous when she told him I was home eating a turkey sandwich. To this day I recall the euphoria and the sense of a glass dome covering my body as the car crashed.

My mother and I were very close, and she shared my deep belief in god, but it wasn’t until two weeks before her death in 2012 that she also was given the gift of knowing god through personal experience. For her, it happened during a breathing treatment. She could barely speak at the time, but told me that she realized that god was breathing her. Like me, she was totally euphoric. That whole day she kept telling everyone who came into her room that god is real. Unfortunately, they all responded to what they thought was an elderly woman on morphine. I guess if you haven’t had the experience yourself, you have no frame of reference. All day, my mom kept asking me when they were going to make the announcement. “Who? What announcement?” I asked. The three most important people in the world she told me. I only remember two of them – the president and the pope. She was urgent about the need for them to let the world know that god is real. “People will want to live their lives differently.” she said.

Have you had an experience like this? If so, I would love to hear about it.

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Staying in the Here and Now

relaxing by the water, enjoying the "now"

There is absolutely no place or time you can ever be but in the here and now. And the here and now keeps expiring. We move through space and time, and before we can even get the words “here” and “now” out of our mouths, they have changed. It’s really a very funny business, this existence.

As fleeting as the here and now are, they are the most powerful time and place we can ever be. In fact, they are the only time and place we can ever be. We can involve our minds and emotions in thinking about or having feelings about the past or future, but we can’t go there. We are here. This might seem simplistic, but it is an enormously powerful awareness to work with to bring peace and harmony to our minds and emotions. 

Every time we focus on the past or future, we are abandoning the present moment unless we do something about our thoughts in the present moment. If there is nothing to do now to resolve a past concern or to anticipate a potential future one, then thinking or worrying about them only means we are probably making ourselves miserable and vacating the present moment. Our attention is not here, it’s there. So we end up being nowhere when we are worrying about the past or future, because we can’t go there and we aren’t present in the now.

Consider something you are worried about that lies in the future. For example, let’s say you are worrying about whether or not you will have good weather during your beach holiday next week. If you listen to your self-talk, you might hear something like this: “What if it rains? We’re spending all this money, and our holiday will be ruined if we don’t have good weather.” When you become aware of having this kind of thinking, you have an important choice to make. Do you let your worries pollute your experience in the here and now? Or do you nip your worries in the bud. Here’s what these two choices look like. If you feed your worries it will be like adding kindling wood to an already burning fire. Your worries will become bigger and bigger as you fantasize all the ways you might not enjoy your expensive vacation. You are just spinning your wheels in the here and now, making yourself miserable, and your vacation hasn’t even happened yet. In fact, it might turn out to be awesome. 

Alternatively, here’s how staying present in the here and now can minimize your worries. Instead of feeding on your worries, when your first concern about the weather comes up, ask yourself “What can I do about this concern in the here and now?” You might decide to look at the weather forecast to get more information. If it looks good, that might stop your worries. If it looks iffy or bad, ask yourself again, “What can I do about this in the here and now?” Maybe the answer is nothing, or you might think, “I’m not going to let that ruin my day today,” or you might decide to pack and plan for bad weather just in case. If there is nothing further to be done in the here and now, choose not to feed your worries so you can enjoy the present. This might seem obvious and simplistic, but it can save the day when autopilot patterns of worrying creep up on you. Try it and let me know how this works for you.

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Obesity: Part 1 of 2 The Facts

Obesity is defined by the World Health Organization (WHO) as abnormal or excessive fat accumulation that may impair health. The American Medical Association (AMA) declared obesity to be a disease in 2013. As a result, increased research and funding are being directed towards obesity drugs, surgery, and counseling as well as for obesity-related diseases, such as type-2 diabetes and heart disease. Labeling obesity as a disease was also intended to decrease the stigma that comes from the widespread belief that obesity is just the outcome of excessive eating and not enough exercise. 

A new study – F as in Fat: How Obesity Threatens America’s Future 2013– from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and Trust for America’s Health has recommended that there also be increased attention and funding directed at such initiatives as:

  • Providing healthier food choices in schools
  • Greater access to physical activity for children and adults 
  • Having restaurants post caloric information on their menus
  • Food and beverage companies marketing only healthy choices to children
  • A greater investment in health and the prevention of disease 
  • Increased availability of healthy and affordable food choices for all

Body Mass Index (BMI) is currently the common measurement for obesity. It is calculated as a person’s weight in kilograms divided by the square of their height in meters. This is a crude and misleading measurement at best as it defines the consequences of obesity rather than its causes. BMI is intended to indicate whether someone’s body weight is normal or not as follows:

  • If your BMI is less than 18.5, it falls within the underweight range.
  • If your BMI is 18.5 to <25, it falls within the normal.
  • If your BMI is 25.0 to <30, it falls within the overweight range.
  • If your BMI is 30.0 or higher, it falls within the obese range.

What is commonly referred to as morbid obesity is a BMI of over 40.0.  Thirty years ago, 1.4% of Americans were morbidly obese, compared to 6.3% today – a rise of 350%.

The United States now has the second highest national level of obesity according to a report by the United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization. In that report, published in July 2013, Mexico’s adult obesity rate of 32.8% was just above America’s 31.8%. Why are so many Americans obese? 

Obesity is a chronic disease affecting 95 million Americans – that’s one in three of us. That’s more than three times the number of adults with diabetes. Yet, there remains difficulty in accurately defining the condition, its root causes, and the many ways that it affects our lives. It is not merely a physical manifestation but can be a debilitating social and emotional challenge as well. There is a pervasive misconception that a person is obese solely because they eat too much and exercise too little. In reality the situation is much more complex than that. Aside from genetic and individual variations in our body’s ability to metabolize food, surely our culture and the food industry play significant parts as well.

When we look at obesity within the context of our social and cultural norms, several relevant observations can be made:

  • Food manufacturers give a greater priority to pleasing our palate than to fueling our bodies. Grocery store shelves and marketing campaigns are filled with foods loaded with sugar, salt, fat, and carbohydrates.
  • Snack foods and desserts have become our go-to foods for parties and celebrations, “treating ourselves,” and pushing down negative feelings.
  • Restaurant portion sizes are typically much larger than what is considered to be a healthy serving.
  • While the diet industry offers all sorts of diet programs, none have proven to result in long-term success for the obese. The average estimate is that 95% of diets fail.
  • We have learned to choose fast foods rather than living at a pace that allows time to prepare and eat more nutritious meals.
  • Those who are obese find it difficult not only to fit into restaurant booths and airplane seats but to be socially and professionally accepted on a par with the non-obese as well. 

Notice how you think about and behave towards obese people. Where judgment comes naturally, try compassion. It’s not easy being fat in a world that caters to the thin. Help break the stigma of obesity by recognizing that there are many contributing factors beyond a simple equation of calories in and out.

In Part Two, I will share my personal journey through the world of obesity and how I found the answers that work for me.

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