Tag Archive for: consciousness

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Bathing Suit Body Blues

Are you self-conscious in a bathing suit? Join the club. It can help to remember that you are not alone. Bathing suits are funny things. At home, you see yourself naked. You know what you look like.  Do you stand in front of the mirror and judge yourself?  Or are you able to love the body you are in including its imperfections?

For most of us wearing a bathing suit is as close to naked as we get in public. What parts of your body do you try to hide? Why? How do you feel about those parts of your body? What are you afraid other people are thinking when they see you in your bathing suit? Do you think everyone is looking at you and judging you? Are these reactions simply a projection of what you do at home in front of the mirror?

I have avoided bathing suits for most of my life. As one who has gained and lost over 100 pounds four times in my life, I am well-versed in the bathing suit blues. If you were to meet me today, I would look like a normal-sized person to you. But when I put a bathing suit on, you can see that my skin did not shrink along with my pounds. I have wobbly, striated thighs that I cannot hide in a bathing suit. What to do? There is only one way to liberate myself from the tyranny of other people’s opinions of me and my dancing thighs, and that is to stop giving my power away to the opinion of others. Here are some things I am doing that are successfully reducing my bathing suit body blues:

  • By spending more time at a local lake, I am noticing that the majority of people there will never be bathing suit models either. I also notice that everyone doesn’t turn and look at me in horror. They are all busy doing their thing, and I am just another “normal” body on the beach.
  • I notice that many of the people who are not bathing beauties behave as though they are comfortable in their bodies. Also, some people who look really good seem to be obsessed with or uncomfortable about their bodies. In other words, there is not a direct correlation between looking bad and feeling bad. 
  • I remind myself that my striated thighs are simply a byproduct of my successful weight loss which I have figured out how to maintain. I see them through new eyes when I reframe them as my war wounds from a lifelong struggle with obesity that I have finally figured out how to deal with.
  • The more time I spend in a bathing suit being just another body on the beach, the freer I become. Being in a bathing suit in public becomes normalized. My anxiety decreases as I engage in other activities rather than judging myself or worrying about what other people think of what I look like.
  • I practice noticing when I am obsessing about my body and choose to stop by focusing instead on being more loving and compassionate towards myself. 
  • I remind myself that I live in a society that has a powerful taboo against overweight bodies that has warped our sense of what is normal. Indeed, we come in all shapes and sizes. While we have been brainwashed to reject non-bathing beauty bodies, we have the option of consciously overriding our programming and expanding our comfort zone around different types of bodies. I give myself permission to be happy and free in the body I have rather than rejecting my body and feeling miserable. In other words, I shift my focus to having a more kind and loving relationship with myself.

Worrying about how other people feel about us diminishes our ability to thrive and feel good about ourselves. It puts us at the effect of their perceptions. Whether or not someone is pleased by how you look in a bathing suit doesn’t have to make you feel bad about yourself. Remember, opinions are like noses–everyone has one. So, let people think what they think and go about your business of having a good time. Free yourself of the tyranny of opinions. They belong to another person, not to you. As author and spiritual teacher Terry Cole-Whittaker said, “What you think of me is none of my business.” 

Next time you find yourself worrying about how you look in a bathing suit, do a reality check. In the moment you only have two choices: am I going to punish myself for not looking as good as I would like to or am I going to go out and have a good time with how my body is right now? 

For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here.  If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!


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Party Politics or Democracy?

I never write about my political point of view for two reasons – I don’t consider myself to be well-enough informed to do so, and it is difficult to be heard without choosing sides. Yet one side only seems to listen to the other to formulate a counter argument. No one really listens to the other’s message with any concern for the well-being of those holding a different point of view. As soon as one’s point of view sides with one party or the other, it merely affirms one’s party message and turns off those from the other party from hearing what you have to say. But today, I am writing as neither a Democrat nor a Republican, but as an American citizen who is concerned that we as a nation have lost our way in terms of what we stand for and are willing to lay down our lives for.

I am currently reading The Mueller Report. While President Trump is concerned about being declared innocent and building a wall to secure our southern national border, I am concerned about violations to my autonomy as a voting citizen to truly make up my own mind about what I believe to be in the country’s best interest, based on facts rather than the manipulation of my point of view by foreign and domestic influencers.

It is extremely naïve for any of us to believe that the U.S. is “good” and Russia and others who have manipulated our elections are “bad.” The 2/17/2018 New York Times article, Russia Isn’t the Only One Meddling in Elections. We Do It, Too reminds us that the U.S. has done its share of election meddling both at home and abroad as well. But, I don’t think these tactics are the point here. 

Rather there is a fundamental international issue at play here that threatens two basic principles: 

  • national sovereignty (a nation’s right to determine its own governance)
  • the moral battle between dictatorial rule, where individual rights are suppressed and one individual or political party dictates what happens with no checks or balances on their power, OR a democracy where the supreme power is vested in the people and exercised through a system of representation and periodic free elections

It is a sobering moment to look now at our country and see that we too violate the sovereignty of other nations even though we excuse ourselves by justifying our actions as serving our commitment to democracy. But where is our democracy? When I look at the respective pursuits of the Democrats and Republicans, I don’t see a shared commitment to the preservation of our democracy and the rule of law. I see self-interest and party politics being held in much higher regard than the form of governance our founding fathers so carefully envisioned for us. Polarization and opposition rule while cooperation and a shared vision of democracy are seen as naïve and unrealistic goals in the heat of the battles we are fighting amongst ourselves. How do gerrymandering and party politics serve we the people of the United States? Why don’t we all want to know what is in The Mueller Report enough to actually sit down and read it? If there is even a slight chance that our president has violated his vow of office, why aren’t we all interested in an impeachment inquiry to get at the truth of the matter so we can decide what to do? Why are we more concerned about the impact that such an action would have on the 2020 election than on our current safety and the well-being of our democracy?

The either/or consciousness of party politics does not value the highest good of all concerned. It is all about “I win and therefore you lose.” Is this the best we can do? What is it going to take for us to rise above this dynamic of trying to shove our point of view down each other’s throat rather than to work together to figure out how to sustain a healthy democracy and truly serve the highest good of ALL Americans. Rather than trying to silence each other and disregard each other’s concerns, when are we going to evolve our consciousness high enough to see ALL Americans should matter to all politicians regardless of party affiliations.

United we stand, divided we fall.

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The Trouble with Assumptions and Expectations

Assumptions and expectations carry the same fatal flaw – they create a preconceived notion about the future that we relate to as if it is reality. Then as the situation unfolds and doesn’t match our assumption or expectation we are caught off-guard and are unprepared for what has happened. Typically, the distance between reality and our imagined future gets filled with negative emotional reactions.

The insidious part of this is that it is usually happening without our awareness, and we end up blaming and judging others for not measuring up to our imagined reality. By setting up preconceived notions about how we want our experiences to be, we plant the seeds of our own unhappiness. 

Consider the following scenario: Jane and Nash are on their third date. He picks her up in his car, they have a nice time together at dinner, go to a comedy club, and then to a bar for drinks. He invites her to come home with him away from the city where she lives. She’s caught off-guard, not on the same page in terms of where they are in the relationship, panics, and says no. He’s annoyed and sarcastically suggests she pay for their drinks, cuts the evening short, and sends her home in an Uber. Nash had an agenda – he assumed that they would have sex on their third date and expected her to say yes. When she didn’t, he was mad and acted that out by having her pay for the drinks and go home in a cab. His preconceived reality did not have room in it for her to behave any differently than he wanted her to.

How might this have looked if he wasn’t operating out of expectations and assumptions? Here are two possibilities. Had Nash been more tuned in to Jane’s reality he might have realized she wasn’t ready to take their relationship to the next level. Instead of inviting her home, he could have affirmed his affection for her and asked her how she was feeling about their relationship. Or he might have gone ahead with his invitation but been open-minded about her response. In either of these two alternate scenarios, Nash would have been staying present in the moment and emotionally open and free in relationship to Jane’s experience. His focus would be more on wanting to know her better than demanding that she want what he wants when he wants it.

Here are some good questions to ask yourself:

  • Where do expectations and assumptions get in my way? 
  • Do I or someone I know behave in a way that is “my way or the highway”? 
  • Do I have any personal or professional relationships that repeatedly get snagged in misunderstandings, judgements, or a lack of cooperation? Do I see patterns of assumptions and expectations on either side that are preventing a healthy, present-in-the-moment flow in the relationship?
  • In what ways do I demand that reality be the way I want it to be rather than the way it is?
  • What can I do to be more trusting of my ability to adapt to the realities of my life?

Please share some of the ways that you see assumptions and expectations getting in the way in your life. By sharing our experiences, we help each other.

For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here.  If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!

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Do You Play the Victim in Your Life?

Whether your immediate response to this question is “Never” or “All the time” or somewhere in between, playing the victim in your life is an important red flag to learn how to spot if you want to maximize your sense of well-being. Here are some of the major ways playing the victim shows up:

  • Difficulty accepting what is happening 
  • Self-talk that reflects self-doubt, judgment, or excuse-making
  • Blaming others for how you are feeling
  • Wanting to run away from the situation you are in 

What does it mean to play the victim? The bottom line is it is about giving your power away to your fears, insecurities, or to other people. It is about choosing to tell yourself two key messages: 

  • It is not my fault.
  • I am helpless to create success in this situation.

Let’s look at some examples:

  • You have an assignment at work and don’t feel confident in your ability to do a great job. Instead of problem-solving the situation to get the help you need, you start running fantasies in your head about how inadequate you are and what will happen if and when you get found out. No one else has rendered you powerless here. You did it all by yourself. You told yourself you couldn’t measure up and made that a self-fulfilling prophecy through the fantasies you spun in your head.
  • You claim to be committed to losing weight but aren’t getting any results. You just keep making excuses about how hard it is because after all, it was your birthday yesterday, and you’re going on a cruise next week, and your car just broke down in front of your favorite fast food restaurant. By making these excuses for yourself, you take no responsibility for your choices and try to convince yourself and others that you had no choices. But you did. Each time, you made the choice to surrender to temptation rather than to keep your word to yourself about losing weight. You keep telling yourself you are trying, but are you really? Trying makes you someone who isn’t doing what it takes to achieve desired results. If you truly want to lose weight, you need to do what it takes to make different choices to get different results.
  • You have accepted a date to have lunch with your friend, Jane. As you sit there listening to her go on and on about herself as she always does, never asking you about your life, you are fuming inside and running an internal commentary about how self-centered and clueless she is. Yet, you sit there nodding your head with a smile on your face hiding the fact that you want to smack her, run away, or scream–but you don’t. You have convinced yourself that it is all her fault, but is it? You won’t risk speaking up or doing something to change the dynamic between you. Instead you just play the victim telling yourself it’s all her fault that you feel the way you do.

Stop making excuses and blaming others for your unhappiness. Henry Ford offered great wisdom about taking charge in our own lives:

If you always do what you‘ve always done,
you‘ll always get what you‘ve always got.

Here’s a simple 3-step process for reclaiming any personal power you are giving away through playing the victim:

1.  Notice when you are playing the victim. Without judgment and with a great sense of humor, observe yourself and notice all the subtle and blatant ways that you declare yourself to be a powerless victim. Be really honest with yourself about this because the more you see, the more you can do something about it. Look at things like:

  • How do I deal with technology challenges? 
  • What goes on inside of me when I am on hold or caught in an endless phone tree trying to get to a human being with answers? 
  • How do I react when I am bored, frustrated, or angered by someone?
  • How do I deal with temptations, stress, or unexpected challenges to meeting my goals?

2.  Pay attention to your inner dialogue. What are you telling yourself is true? Be honest about what you are really thinking and feeling. Gather as much detail as you can and ask yourself:

  • What assumptions am I making about this situation and how do they contribute to my unhappiness? 
  • What common message do my playing-the-victim experiences share?
  • Is this message really the truth or is there something I am afraid of that I avoid experiencing? If so, what is it and what am I afraid will happen if I really take charge of myself in this situation?

3.  Make two new choices:  Choose to take responsibility for your behavior and to create a different response. Keeping your sense of humor, start experimenting with new ways of thinking and behaving in these situations. Armed with your new awareness of what you will do and what will happen if you don’t do something different try some of the following techniques:

  • Practice catching yourself in the act and asking yourself, “How else might I respond to this?”
  • Work on one common reactive pattern at a time. Anticipate it happening again and think of two or three different strategies you might try out. Play with it until you come up with a new way of responding that doesn’t make you a victim. Notice how different it feels to maintain your balance when the going gets tough. Become a skill-building junky! In the example above about having lunch with non-stop talking friend, Jane, you might try interjecting something like, “Heh Jane, I want to update you about what’s happening with Jack” or “Jane, did I tell you what’s happening with Jack?” or “Before I forget, let me tell you the latest about Jack.”  Speak up. Let your voice be heard. Make a game of it.

If you want to take this to a deeper level, remember how your life looked to you through your eyes as a child when you were hurt or upset. Look for the bottom line message you told yourself about what was going on and see if that isn’t the same bottom line you are going to as an adult. This can be powerful and illuminating. 

Remember, your well-being matters and you are the boss of what goes on inside of you.

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Leaving the Past Behind

We all have scars from our past. But what do we do with them now? That’s a really important question. In mentoring clients, I typically find that their current distress mirrors unresolved upsets from the past. For example, a woman who was never able to feel loved by her father might be drawing men to her with whom she also fails to experience love. Why does this happen? Think of it as a karmic pattern that is seeking healing. Your life will continue to replicate an unresolved situation until you are able to neutralize the state of consciousness from which you relate to it.

One of my clients who was caught in such a pattern convinced herself that she was fundamentally unlovable. As I observed her I noticed that she was turned off by men who liked her and attracted to those who gave her no encouragement. Could it be that she was simply staying in her comfort zone? This is counter-intuitive but typical. She knew herself as a woman who was rejected by the men whose affection she wanted, and that became a self-fulfilling prophecy. She didn’t know how to be a woman loved by men. Through her eyes as a child, she recognized that her father didn’t show her love. But she had falsely concluded that the reason was because she was unlovable, rather than that he had difficulty expressing his caring for others. Then she carried that unchallenged belief forward into adulthood.

Once she was able to see how the faulty conclusion of her past was inhibiting her from experiencing love in the present, she realized that she had the power to change how she saw herself. She began taking pride in herself and replacing her old, self-rejecting belief with appreciation for her own goodness. As a result the affection of good men became desirable to her.  She stepped out of the belief that she was unlovable. She left the past behind. When I asked her what life lessons this had taught her, she told me she learned to pay attention to her own beliefs about herself when in situations that were difficult for her to see if she was sabotaging herself.

I had a similar situation during a recent weight loss journey. I reached a plateau and couldn’t get the scale to move despite following all the rules. In observing myself, I realized the issue was emotional. In listening to my self-talk, I kept hearing, “I don’t know her.” When I explored this, I recognized that I was afraid to go past that particular number on the scale because in my mind it represented a level of success with which I was not comfortable. I knew how to be almost successful, but I didn’t know how to go for and get the brass ring of success. It took several months before I was able to break through this barrier. Now I am learning new life skills and a level of self-trust that was not  apparent to me before. When we become too familiar with failure, we have to push through our own resistance to the unfamiliar territory of success.

Leaving the past behind often requires that we recognize the ways we sabotage ourselves out of fear of moving into the unknown. Being good at failing and being disappointed doesn’t mean you can’t also be really good at success and exceeding your dreams. It simply requires a new point of view.

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