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Stress and Family: Spending Holidays With ‘Loved Ones’ Who Aren’t Very Nice to You

Below the surface of many family holiday gatherings are mini dramas playing out, contemporary grudges and resentments and unresolved childhood issues. Nothing hurts with such emotional depth as these familial battles. For the tender-hearted, this can be a psychological mine field while self-righteous bullies reign unchallenged. Many silently suffer through these events while dutifully and unconsciously assuming their childhood role as the family black sheep or underdog. Those in secondary roles are often either complicit or oblivious, leaving the underdog to fend for his or herself. Here are seven strategies for doing it differently this year.

Strategy 1: See it for what it is. The bottom line of these battles is that they are mere reflections of the level of consciousness of the participants involved. Most bullies and tyrants have failed to evolve psychologically past their childhoods and are simply functioning out of a juvenile state of consciousness. Typically, they are caught in a win/lose mentality that drives them to perceive themselves as a winner at the expense of someone else. Putting you down is driven by a desperate attempt to put themselves up. In this sense, you are simply a means to an end and their attack on you is really nothing personal. You cannot evolve another person’s consciousness for them. Any attempt to address the matter head on with them will simply further ignite their battle position. On the flip side of this, is there any merit to the accusations and judgments lodged against you? If so, are you willing or able to change? If so, only do so for your own highest good and not to seek the approval of others.

Strategy 2: Stay conscious in the present and study how the dynamic works. Remember, it takes two to tango. Play detective with the situation and notice how this other person gets to you. Is it through sarcastic remarks? Giving you the silent treatment? Disdainful looks? Just how do they communicate their rejection and judgment of you? How do they hook you into their game? Pay attention to your own behavior as well. Do you comply by feeling and behaving like a victim? Do you try to defend yourself against their attacks? Does this drama dominate your entire experience? How do you buy in to this other person’s point of view?

Strategy 3: Stand tall in your own integrity and truth. Be at the cause of your own behavior rather than at the effect of others. Stop behaving in relationship to this person. Don’t buy into the familiar emotional territory of your childhood. Be your own grown-up person. Stop focusing on them and focus on yourself. Be who you know yourself to be rather than jumping into the underdog or black sheep costume of your childhood. Get out of reactionary mode and simply be yourself. By moving your attention away from the bully, you stop feeding on or into the situation.

Strategy 4: Stop wanting or expecting the other person to change. Before entering the situation, psyche yourself up. Remind yourself that this other person is probably never going to change his or her behavior toward you. Make your consciousness big enough to let that happen without being the center of your attention. Make peace with it. Let it be so without trying to change it in any way. Focus instead on learning how to stay true to yourself in the presence of someone who belittles you. Stop giving them your power. Remember that both of you have the freedom to choose how you will behave. Take the high road and don’t expect them to join you.

Strategy 5: Practice forgiveness. If you find yourself having a hard time with the situation, launch yourself into forgiveness mode in the privacy of your own mind. Forgive yourself for judging yourself for any judgments you have against yourself or the other person. Keep doing this as judgments come up. Neutralize them with forgiveness. If you don’t really feel the forgiveness, do it anyway — fake it till you make it.

Strategy 6: Step free of the drama and choose to have a healthy, good time. Setting and holding to the intention of doing it differently goes a very long way. Choose out of the drama and into having an authentically good time. Give more of your attention and interest to other people at the gathering. Help out in the kitchen. Just find some way to do it all differently. If you typically sit in a corner, get up and mingle. Find a buffer — someone you can engage with to shift your focus. Just do whatever it takes to keep moving your attention away from the drama and into finding new ways to be with your family. By doing it differently, you will elicit different responses.

Strategy 7: Strike out on your own for the holidays. If your family gatherings are simply unbearable for you, don’t go! There is no law that you have to spend the holidays with your family. What does the holiday mean to you? If it is about being with your family — then figure out how to do that using the first six strategies above and evolve a place for yourself that nurtures and supports you. If the meaning of the holiday is about the deeper religious message it brings, then find other people to be with who share your beliefs. Maybe you just want to have a light-hearted time. If so, then give yourself the gift of creating that for yourself with our without other people. Take ownership of your own experience and create a happy and blessed holiday for yourself.

The holidays come and go every year. Don’t stay stuck in a bad emotional drama. The willingness to do it differently will always create the means and ability you need. Trust yourself and have the courage to step free. Happy holidays, everyone.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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Tips for Dealing With Other People’s Opinions

They say opinions are like noses — everyone has one. Whether you like it or not, people have opinions about you. What you do with those opinions is entirely up to you.

Consider a coaching client of mine who had a really tough time dealing with her family’s opinion of her over the holidays. On the surface everything looked fine, but she was living in her own personal hell, reliving the drama of her childhood. It seems that her brother’s life has been filled with one notable mainstream success after another — the stuff of which parents are very proud. As his younger sister, my client has lived in his shadow, feeling as though she could never measure up or elicit the level of enthusiastic approval her brother generated from their parents. Now as a grown young woman whose life path is ambiguous compared to her brother’s, she is still thrown for a loop when asked “What’s new?” or “What are you up to these days?” These seemingly harmless questions evoke a cold sweat and terror for her, and the otherwise confident and delightful person she is becomes flooded with self-rejection, unable to stand in support of herself. The truth is she has a great vision, passion and plans that will take years to develop. She is doing a wonderful job of finding her way off the beaten track of the mainstream to create a new kind of school that will provide a wonderful education, caring community and magnificent opportunities for a largely marginalized segment of our population. But, that is tough to talk about enthusiastically in an elevator speech to people who measure success in terms of concrete recognizable achievements — or worse yet — don’t even care.

When a situation that is this emotionally juicy comes up in your life, it is a wonderful opportunity to gain some life wisdom. In this particular case, there is much to be learned about dealing with life in a social context where everybody is having opinions about themselves and each other all the time.

Here are the tips I gave my client. Perhaps they will help you or someone you know as well.

Tip #1: Form your own honest opinion about yourself.
If you fall apart for fear of what others will think of you, then your sense of self-worth is contingent on the opinions of others. While your truth may not be very popular, to abandon yourself is the worst possible response you could have. No matter what anyone else thinks of you, no one’s opinion of you has more power than your own. If you abandon your own ship at the least suggestion of a negative response from others, you need to be doing some deep inner work to identify your point of vulnerability so you can heal your relationship with yourself. Your attitude toward yourself has the power to define the quality of your inner and outer experiences. So if you are not thinking highly of yourself, get to work on that.

Tip #2: Check out your expectations about other people’s opinions of you.
The difference between expectations and reality is a good measurement of the amount of suffering we cause ourselves by holding unrealistic expectations. Do you expect everyone to like you and have a positive opinion of you? If so, you are going to have a lot of unpleasant experiences. It is important to develop tolerance for a variety of reactions to you and what you are doing in your life. If you are walking a mainstream path of success like my client’s brother, you are likely to get lots of positive reactions and not have too much trouble in this area. If you know yourself to be a good person, value that knowledge more than the vicissitudes of the opinions of others.

Tip #3: Develop a great elevator speech.
The fact is, polite conversation is not typically all that deep. When someone asks you how or what you are doing, consider the source of the question. Is this someone who really wants to know the depths of your growing edges or are they simply being polite? A good place to start your response is with a terrific elevator speech. In 30 seconds to two minutes, you want to get your point across with confidence and enthusiasm. If your message is “I’m at Harvard Medical School and I love it,” you are likely to get a wonderful response from just about anyone. However, if your path, like that of my client, is more of an exploration without having reached a notable destination yet, it might take a bit more effort to develop an effective elevator speech. Play with this and learn to by your own best public relations person.

Tip #4: Remember that most of communication is nonverbal.
If you are falling apart trying to answer the simple question of “How are you doing?” then most likely a major nonverbal communication has already taken place before you even open your mouth to respond. Consider your nonverbal communication in terms of your body posture and gestures, voice tone, eye contact or lack thereof, etc., as well as what feeling you are getting from this other person. Let these clues guide you in your verbal response. If necessary, find a way to make a quick exit and go to the bathroom or somewhere else where you can pull yourself together.

Tip #5: Pay more attention to your inner dialogue and what button in you the other person pushes.
Learn from your own behavior. Play detective within yourself to figure out what your point of vulnerability is and get to work on it. Remember these emotional buttons we have that other people push are simply pointing out to us where we need to do some inner work.

Tip #6: Smile and change the subject when you have said what you want to say.
A nice smile goes a very long way. Learn to be a clever conversationalist so you can steer the conversation away from areas that are difficult for you. Celebrate who you are and don’t let others rain on your parade.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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When Friends Don’t See Eye-to-Eye

Did you ever have a really good friendship where everything was just rolling along until one day you hit an impasse that you couldn’t seem to get past? I’ve been hearing a lot of stories like this lately and have had my fair share as well. So let’s take a look at what could be happening and the options for resolution.

Many of us suffer from the faulty assumption that others — particularly those we befriend — are “just like me.” We think that because things go smoothly between us they must therefore think like us, process their emotions like us, and share our most cherished beliefs and values. Not so! And therein lies one of the biggest challenges in friendships. Coming to terms with the “otherness” of your friend — especially those parts you find undesirable — can be the hardest, yet most rewarding part and the source of some of life’s greatest lessons.

I’ve learned that when a big problem surfaces in a friendship, I need to raise my consciousness above the level of “I said, they said” where I am blaming and judging one of us — usually the other person because that’s the territory of the ego. I want to lift to a higher place where I have enough altitude to see the bigger picture we find ourselves in. That’s where I can find compassion for us both struggling to find some solid ground and where it is possible to remind myself what has been good and abiding between us. That’s where I can see that we all just want to be loved and to matter to each other. When I get to that place, I can usually let go of my judgments and hurt feelings and figure out how I want to move forward in terms of the other person. It is also from this higher perspective that I can see and learn from whatever life lessons the situation has brought my way. However, it can take me a long time to get there because my ego can be quite tenacious at times.

Here are some guidelines for getting through the territory of the ego:

  1. Whatever level your discomfort is on (mind or emotions), go to the other level to work it out. For example, if your mind is saying, “She has some nerve suggesting I would ever…” then ask yourself, “How does this make me feel?” Alternatively, if you find yourself feeling really sad and bewildered by what has happened, ask yourself, “What do I think happened here?”
  2. Fundamentally, these stalemates usually boil down to hurt feelings, misunderstood motivations, or seeing something in the other person’s behavior that doesn’t fit your idea of who they are. Ask yourself which of these three you are dealing with and be ruthlessly honest with yourself about your thoughts and feelings around what has happened.
  3. Take some time to be present with yourself and pay attention to how the disturbance reverberates within you. Don’t be too quick to try to resolve the outer problem with the other person when you haven’t first figured out what is going on inside of you. Talk to yourself first before attempting to seek resolution with the other person. Ultimately, our relationships with others are reflections of our relationship with ourselves, so it is essential that we seek clarity and peace within ourselves before trying to heal the outer situation.
  4. Consider the pros and cons of talking about the situation with your friend. It’s not always the best answer. Sometimes there is just too much emotion to be able to consider the other person’s point of view yet. Talking might only polarize you further as each of you tries to force the other to see your point of view. Remember that at first we are not seeing the other person’s point of view because we can only see our own. If you need to talk about the situation to try and gain some perspective, pick someone who is neutral and doesn’t know the other person, or talk it through with a professional. Don’t talk about it with mutual friends, where you are likely to be seeking agreement rather than insight and opening up a whole new can of worms.
  5. Recognize — as humbling as it may be — that the situation is not all about you and how you think and feel. There are many levels to healing a broken friendship. Each participant goes through his or her inner process of seeking to understand what has happened and what to do about it. Usually, each is looking at the situation from an entirely different point of view within a larger context of his or her own personal and shared history. We tend to be biased in our own favor, blinded by our own way of seeing things. Yet, any true resolution requires having a large enough perspective to encompass the reality of both individuals and their respective points of view.
  6. Consider your options regarding the future of the friendship. Either it will end or limp along unhealed or evolve to a better place. You and your friend might not agree as to which fate is likely or desirable. Do your best to heal the discord that you hold within yourself and give your friend the space to do the same. You may need to take a break from each other with no definitive resolution for a while. If you do talk the situation through and agree to disagree, be careful if there is a lingering issue of trust or respect. Be honest about that with yourself and each other.
  7. Judgment is the territory of the ego and is never the ultimate answer. Challenge yourself to move past that and to seek the higher ground where you and your friend might reach into that which is stronger than your judgments and hurt feelings.
  8. If ultimately you decide to leave the friendship, let it be because you see no other way to love, honor and respect yourself moving forward. If that is your choice, go in peace wishing your friend every happiness you seek for yourself.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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