How to Create a Spiritual But Not Religious Wedding Ceremony

More and more couples today say they want a spiritual but not religious wedding ceremony. This mirrors the trend of Americans who self-identify with this label. The spiritual but not religious now account for approximately 37 percent of Americans and that number has doubled in the last decade.

What does it mean to be spiritual but not religious? When interviewing couples who use this term to describe themselves, I ask what this term means to them. Typically, they say things like “we consider ourselves to be good people, but we don’t follow any particular religion” or “we believe in some kind of creator or God but not the way God is defined in the major world religions” or “I’m not really sure — we believe there is something more to life than the physical, but don’t know what that is or how to talk about it.”

In the U.S., when you step outside the auspices of a religious doctrine, you are either one who self-identifies as an atheist (i.e. does not believe in “God”); an agnostic (i.e. has not found satisfactory proof of God’s existence); someone who isn’t particularly concerned about such matters; or you don’t have a specific label and are looking to find what is true for you. Generally, the spiritual but not religious fall into the last of these groups.

Unlike those who follow the doctrine of a particular religious tradition, when the spiritual but not religious are creating a wedding ceremony, they do not have a template to follow. In fact, as long as their ceremony complies with the laws of the state in which the marriage takes place, they can do whatever they want.

In 2005, when I published the first edition of my book, The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day, I sought to provide a basic structure for the ritual of a self-designed wedding ceremony for the spiritual but not religious. It was also my intention to educate them about the hundreds of logistical considerations that might never occur to them otherwise. Just published in a second edition, this has become the bestselling book on the topic of wedding ceremony design.

Even with this book as a reference point, couples need to figure out what would or would not be appropriate for them as a unique couple. The key is what I call resonance — the intensified sense of truth an individual or couple experiences when considering a passage or ritual component — its “rightness” or “wrongness” for them, if you will. They might read one passage and respond “oh, yuck!” while another generates a response such as “oh, honey, that’s us!”

The freedom afforded a couple facing a blank sheet of paper as their starting point can be quite daunting. However, it can be wonderfully affirming as well if both partners participate in letting their resonance be their guide. Some realize that they have never had the occasion to share or articulate their deepest beliefs and values. Doing so is simultaneously a declaration and an intimate sharing of who they are. When a marriage ceremony is created from this place, it will ring true to the family and other guests as well — even when others do not share the couple’s point of view.

In addition to creating a ceremony that reflects their deepest values and beliefs, couples should also consider the impact their ceremony is likely to have on their guests. Being too in your face or not particularly tasteful can cause problems with family and friends. A good rule of thumb is to consider what you might think of your choices ten or twenty years later with a bit more maturity and perspective. Celebrate who you are as individuals, as a couple, and as members of the assembled community, but be sure to temper that by honoring and being respectful of essential differences as well.

If you have specific questions about how to design your wedding ceremony or as an officiant serving a specific couple, feel free to ask them under the comments section below or to email me your questions at judithjohnson@hvc.rr.com. Your comments and questions are always welcome.

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There Are Many Ways to Say “I Love You”

Each February, we are bombarded by commercial proddings to prove our love to our sweetheart with the obligatory greeting card, roses, and candy.  For some, the ante is far more expensive and raises year after year.  I think the really lucky sweethearts are those who don’t buy into this external pressure, but rather find little ways to express the love they feel inside for their sweetheart and other loved ones as a way of life.

I’m the kind of person who loves spontaneous gestures of affection – a phone call from a friend who is missing me, or a beautiful bouquet of flowers on a random day from my partner just because he knows I will be delighted.  Don’t give me an obligatory diamond bracelet.  I’d much rather you make it a priority to share quality time together on a regular basis.  Stoke the flame of our love and friendship – invest in our relationship by being a caring and thoughtful partner and communicating your love and needs.  No amount of money spent can do a better job of warming the cockles of my heart.

It is so easy to be consumed by to do lists, work, and other activities and not have much left for those you claim to love the most.  It takes intentional effort in such a complex and busy world to make the expression of your love a priority.

Rather than trying to follow the commercial prescription of how to be a good Valentine, try something new this year.  Make a list of the people you love and treasure most in your life and take the time to think about what gift of love would be most meaningful to each of them.  Do you have an aging parent or dying friend who might treasure some time with you?  Perhaps you have a boss who has been a wonderful mentor and you would like to say “thank you.”  Who has given you your most treasured gifts of friendship and love?  Do they know how much they mean to you?  Don’t make this a one time project, but rather set the intention to improve the quality of your relationships by injecting more of your love into them on an ongoing basis.

There are many ways to say I love you.  The best ones rise out of simply paying attention and allowing creative expressions to emerge from your heart.  The very best ones touch the other person’s heart – the gift is authentically received.  Here’s one of my favorite expressions of “I love you” that I ever experienced.

Hide The Lizard

I don’t recall how the game began.  But, I do remember finding the lizard.  For several of my mother’s final years, we indulged in a few weeks of beachfront July living on the Jersey shore where we had both vacationed as children.  One late afternoon, walking up the beach to the cottage, my feet kicked up a tiny rainbow colored plastic lizard in the sand.  With no visible potential child owner in sight, the inner child in me delighted in my newfound treasure and I accelerated my pace up to the house to show my mother.

After returning to our year round home in a renovated barn in the Hudson Valley of New York, the lizard found its first home with us on a small wooden ledge on the first floor.  At the time, my mother’s mobility was in a period of marked decline and I took on more and more simple daily activities to compensate as seamlessly as possible.  I didn’t want her to do without anything that mattered to her that she could no longer do for herself.  But, she was a proud woman, and as with many of us facing physical decline, it was important to her not to be any more of a burden than necessary.  While, in my snarkiest of moods, I did feel burdened and impatient, mostly, it was a privilege to care for her.  Reluctance to let me know her needs and desires actually made things a bit more challenging for me – not only did I have the new activities to do but, I had to first figure out what they were through careful observation.

There are many ways to show someone your love.  Helping my mom with her daily activities was one, but far more important, was tending to her emotions and sense of self-worth and dignity.  Little things matter a lot for someone who is facing a loss of autonomy.  Hide the Lizard was a spontaneous response to being aware of this with my mom.  It was a game that came into existence and survived simply to say, “I love you very, very much.”

And so, Hide the Lizard was born.  One of us would hide it somewhere in plain sight on the first floor of our home and notify the other that it was her turn to find it.  Sometimes it would be uncanny how something inside you would guide you right to the lizard.  Other times, it might take days at feeling increasingly inept at this invented game while being ever more determined to find the damn lizard, knowing it was right out in plain sight.  Finding it always brought triumphant delight, shortly followed by the challenge of finding a cleaver new home for the lizard.  We giggled, we felt smug when we stumped each other, and thus we comingled our hearts.

There are many ways to say I love you.

I wish you the joy of abundantly expressing your love this Valentine’s Day and every day.

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A Celebration of Value & Symbolic Wedding Rituals | Judith Johnson Wedding Officiant on Chronogram

I recently spoke with Chronogram on exploring unique ways couples can incorporate their deeper values into their wedding celebrations. Read the full article here.

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When Your Wedding Doesn’t Go As Planned

Photo Credit: Ullysses Photography

If you are like most brides, you might be micro-managing your wedding to avoid unwanted surprises. But, guess what? Your wedding day WILL NOT go 100% according to your plans. There are a thousand tiny details and what actually happens will be an amalgamation of the input of many vendors, guests, the weather, and your best laid plans.

While you might not be able to control the weather or Uncle Charlie’s drinking problem, you do get to choose how to react to whatever the day presents to you. So, lighten up and have a beautiful day no matter what happens.

Here are some suggestions for how to have a great time on your wedding day:

Expect the Unexpected: Remind yourself that there will definitely be some surprises and you might not like them all. Decide ahead of time not to let anyone rain on your parade. This is YOUR day – choose to make the very best of it.

Bring Your Sense of Humor Along: The picture above is from a recent wedding. As I handed the bride’s wedding ring to the groom, he dropped it. He immediately put a big smile on his face, raised his hand and announced “I got this!” and everyone had a good laugh. It became a memorable moment with a great photo to remember it by.

Leave Bridezilla Home: Some brides have turned themselves into the dreaded bridezilla. They foolishly think that by demanding their way they are more likely to get it. But, guess what? The more typical response of any vendor dealing with a bridezilla is to give her less rather than more and to not be so willing to go above and beyond the call of duty. Besides, remember that your wedding pictures will tell the truth about how you look!

Keep Your Priorities Straight: If the shade of pink of the table linens is slightly off, you’ll probably be the only one who notices. If you are a tyrant micro-managing your wedding in progress, or out of sorts because something happened that you didn’t like, then everyone will notice.

Enjoy Your Day From the Inside Out: Your wedding is a celebration of the fact that you and your partner have found each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together. Own that and let it reverberate throughout every cell of your being. Let your partner feel your love. Let your joy radiate and be contagious to everyone who gets to share your special day with you. A radiant bride never takes a bad picture!

Remember to Say Thank You: Be lavish with your gratitude when it is earned. Most vendors really want to make a significant contribution to your having a wonderful wedding. Remember how important on-line reviews and referrals were to you? Take the opportunity to give credit where it is due and to warn future couples of what to look out for with vendors who did not serve you well. You can have the last word without spoiling your day.

Do plan thoughtfully to create the wedding of your dreams and then remember to let go and let it happen. Be the guest of honor and have a wonderful day no matter what happens.

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Gay Marriage – The Heart of the Matter

When I was ordained as an interfaith minister in 1985, I was charged with the responsibility of ministering to all regardless of race, creed, color, situation, circumstance, or environment — in other words, to serve without prejudice. Isn’t this what we should really be asking of our “public servants” — i.e. politicians and elected officials who are seeking to influence the laws of “our” land? I am personally delighted that the issue of gay marriage is challenging how our social norms and laws attempt to disempower and limit the freedom of those who are being marginalized — i.e. rejected instead of respected as fellow members of our society.

By ruling on the gay marriage, our Supreme Court is being asked to honor a higher authority than the personal preferences of those who are most influential in getting our elected officials re-elected. In fact the agenda is twofold. First is to legitimize the legal right for gay couples to have access to all the mental, emotional, spiritual, legal, financial, and social benefits of marriage. In addition, it also challenges the authority previously held by lawmakers and social norms to legalize prejudice against a group of citizens who are not considered representative of the preferences of the power brokers of our society. This is simultaneously an issue of the legal rights of a marginalized group and a matter of serving notice to our public servants that they are responsible for serving all of us — not just those they prefer.

The bottom line issue here is not whether or not gay marriage should be recognized, but whether or not our system should condone and legalize prejudice. I believe that nothing is more important here than loving, honoring, respecting, and serving one another. It is time for us to turn this issue inside out and ask ourselves what right do we have to marginalize one another?

Consider these words from Sample Ceremony #3: Celebrating Our Oneness While Honoring Our Differences in the second edition of my book, The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day:

For over twenty years, I have been officiating wedding ceremonies for all kinds of couples.One thing that has always impressed me
is that when a couple’s union challenges
what we are used to,
we are presented with the choice
to either rise to this challenge
or to hold tight to our limiting beliefs.

Whether bridging the gap between
different races, cultures, religions, or age groups,
or being more similar than we are used to
as in couples of the same gender,
these couples have a freedom
that many of us lack.
They are available to love
regardless of race, creed, color,
situation, circumstance, or environment.
There are no walls around their hearts
that prevent them from allowing
love to occur. . .

What an interesting lesson for the rest of us.
How would our individual and collective lives
be different if our hearts were also unbound
by rules and beliefs that we must only love others
who are quite like us, but then, not too much like us?

I celebrate . . . all couples who challenge us to unbind our hearts
and render ourselves vulnerable
to the power and possibilities of love.

 

May we rise to the best that is within us in responding to this challenge.

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What Marrying Couples Often Forget

When the promises of a bride and groom are made in the bubble of romantic love, yet untested by life, there is naiveté and ignorance about what life can bring. As a minister who marries many couples, I have come to accept that life will have its way with each couple. They will be tested by the tides of life, by chance and circumstance, by the routines of daily living, and by the full cycle of the seasons of life. While they may think they are entering their marriage with the knowledge that together they will face life’s sorrow no less than its sweetness, there is usually an accompanying and typically unspoken belief that “it will be different for us because we love each other so much.”

Marriage isn’t really about the two united against the world, but rather the two individuals in a world full of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual challenges and surprises. Their challenge is to figure out how to sustain their love, while honoring and cherishing themselves and each other through it all. Will they be able to fan the fire of their love enough to make their love more important to them than anything else that challenges them along the way?

I deeply believe that there is nothing more important than loving one another. However, love must be matured, tested, deepened, and strengthened by the trials and triumphs of life. The challenge is, how do I accept the fact that we will both disappoint ourselves and each other? How do I love you when I don’t like how you are behaving? How do I love you when you hurt me, disappoint me, betray me or turn against me? How do I love myself when I am the one who falls short of my own beliefs and values? How do I know if I need to leave my marriage?

Even the best of marriages can end. For some, this is the loss of an oasis in the world and it’s hard to let go of that, although when you are thinking of leaving your oasis has probably long since become a battleground. I’ve known many couples who met in their youth and became each other’s safe place in the world to run to from abuse or other challenges at home (where they were supposed to be safe). Thinking they would be safe together forever, they often find themselves unable to comprehend or accept the adult scars of their partner’s childhood traumas or how their respective needs change over time.

I think we would all have a better chance at creating a successful marriage if we first learned how to love ourselves rather than looking for someone else to love us instead. The two are not mutually exclusive, but the quality of our ability to love another is directly proportionate to how well we have learned to love ourselves. Wouldn’t it be interesting if we were required to pass a certification program in self respect and self love before we could qualify for a marriage license?

Regardless of whether a couple decides to move forward together or separately, it is important to recognize that relationships are wonderful teachers. When things get rough, we often polarize against our partner, blaming and judging them for whatever has occurred. We forget that it takes two to tango and sometimes we are simply disowning our own dark side by projecting it onto our partner and then rejecting them for it.

Remember that the real world we live in together is not utopia. That’s why marriage vows ask us to love, honor, and cherish each other for richer or poorer, in good times and bad, and in sickness and in health. In other words, rather than making the other person wrong when life doesn’t go your way, consider building skills in loving yourself and each other through the challenges that come along.

Consider whether it is possible to sacrifice your judgments, expectations, and any other ways that you have learned to separate yourself from your partner. Unless your partner is physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive, you should be willing to get some altitude above the situation and look at what each of you is doing that is creating the problem. Communicate honestly about what you are experiencing without making your partner wrong. Don’t pretend that you are helpless and hopeless, living at the effect of your partner’s attitude and behavior. Participate fully in your life and hold yourself accountable for your actions and reactions as well.

When two people are simply unable to sustain their love for each other and are unwilling to spend the remainder of their life in what is left of their relationship, then divorce becomes a way to set each other free. In the best of divorces, partners are able to say goodbye and sincerely wish each other well, taking with them fond memories and valuable life lessons.

If you have ever been through a divorce, you probably know that place in your consciousness that becomes unsure of how to ever trust your own judgment again. “I chose this person. I loved this person. I really thought we would spend the rest of our lives together being loving and kind and supportive to each other. Now, we can’t stand the sight of each other and are trying to get more than our share in a divorce settlement.” What really happens to people like this? While not all divorces end in animosity, too many do. There are also marriages that, for a variety of reasons, are better terminated.

For some couples, leaving is never an option. If it is, then even your dearest confidant cannot and should not tell you to leave your marriage. You and your partner made sacred vows to each other. Only you know if you cannot or will not honor that vow going forward. It is a deep personal decision; look only into your own heart to find the answer. Beyond anger, beyond fear there is a part of you that simply knows.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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The Two Caveats in the Golden Rule

Many languages and cultures carry the same wisdom: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” One would think that is always good advice. However, there are two fundamental assumptions in The Golden Rule that require a note of caution in its application.

Consider the following situation. Several years ago, I was working with a client who was in an abusive marriage. She was very clear that she wanted to leave her husband and needed to do so. But, she just couldn’t do it. When we explored why, it turned out to be attributable to her deep belief in The Golden Rule. Her interpretation was that her husband was unemployed, fairly unemployable and generally down on his luck and if she was in his shoes, she certainly would not want her spouse to leave her. While enormously compassionate, she was still being abused.

Her literal interpretation of The Golden Rule blocked her from seeing the full picture of what was going on. The reality was that if she was in her husband’s position, she would not behave as he was behaving. He was one of those downright nasty people who took pleasure from manipulating and hurting other people and making his life challenges other people’s problems. Somehow, it gave him a sense of being superior.

The first caveat to The Golden Rule is that it must be applied to one’s self first and then to others. In other words, do onto yourself as you would have others do onto you. If you extend your loving kindness to others at your own expense, then you become your own abuser. Put another way, if there is a conflict between treating yourself and the other person with loving kindness, it is wise to take care of yourself first so that you can come from a position of strength and balance in being of service to others.

I learned this wisdom when I was ordained. The charge of my ministry was to first minister to myself, not in a selfish way, but rather as a loving parent tends to the needs of a child. The ministry then extends to others. It took me many years to appreciate the wisdom of making sure I was maintaining my own health and balance so that I could relate to others in a more loving way without doing so at my own expense.

Here’s how the first caveat applied to my client. She was so focused on how she was treating her husband that she neglected to look at how she was behaving towards herself. She was allowing herself to be abused continuously. When I shared the first caveat with her, she recognized that she was allowing herself to be abused by ignoring her responsibility to herself and focusing only on how she would feel in her husband’s shoes — completely unaware of the fact that she would never behave as he did. Just as repeatedly burning your hand by placing it over a flame is unwise, so is opening the door to repeated abuse.

The second caveat is the assumption that you are dealing with a healthy person of integrity. Sometimes you are not. When someone is in such an unhealthy place in their consciousness as to be repeatedly abusive to others, the most loving response for one’s self and the abuser is often to leave or refuse to engage in an adversarial response. This refusal to support the abuser in his or her weakness can be the wakeup call needed. Our most loving behavior is often to refuse to tolerate abuse.

The bottom line is that we all want to be loved by each other, but sometimes we lose sight of that and treat one another in terrible ways. The way I interpret The Golden Rule is not that we are supposed to turn the other cheek by inviting more abuse, but rather serving one another by example. Figuratively, we can turn the other cheek by not responding to aggression with aggression but with what we truly believe is for the highest good of all concerned. For example, when my client left her husband she wrote him a long and loving letter in which she affirmed her love for him, wished him well, encouraged him to get help and made it perfectly clear that the marriage was over and that it was time for her to look after her own health and well-being.

For me, the message of The Golden Rule is to treat each other with loving kindness. Sometimes this means demonstrating our unwillingness to meet aggression with aggression by choosing not to participate in what others are dishing out.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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Love with a Capital ‘L’: Recognizing the Divine Through Another

Many believe that the highest expression and experience we can attain in life is to love one another. Yet love is highly misunderstood. There is great confusion about the causation of love and the ways in which we are one and those that separate us.

When we “fall in love” with someone, it is often experienced as an instant affection for them — almost a chemical occurrence. One minute it didn’t exist, and the next it seems to exist more than anything else. It is delicious and we want more, so we focus more and more of our attention on this one person and want them to do more and more of whatever we think caused us to have this experience. What we commonly refer to as “love,” whether as lovers, parent and child, or friends, is really a very spiritual experience that we mistakenly delimit to our relationship with the person with whom we are having this experience. In fact, love is the human experience of the divine. As John-Roger explains it:

As we are looking for ourselves, we often see ourselves in others who are open to reflect. We then love them, not just for who they are, but for that reflection of our love in them. What we’re really saying is, “When I’m with you, that place inside of me that is loving awakens.”

When this kind of love is experienced between two people, four things are happening simultaneously. Each is choosing to give love to the other, and each is choosing to receive love from the other. We are both open to the flow of giving and receiving love. At its best, when none of these four actions is blocked by self-imposed limitations, whether with one’s partner or a total stranger, there is a transcendent experience into a oneness that is beyond earthly concerns. Consider the awe when a parent first looks into the eyes of his or her newborn child, or when in “Avatar” the Na’vi say, “I see you,” meaning, “I see the god in you.”

When we don’t realize that love is a recognition of the divine through another, we falsely attribute the source of love simply to that person. We might fixate on wanting more of that person when in fact what we really want is more experiences of transcendence, of God. Attributing the source of love to the other person is simply a misunderstanding of the causation. When we limit ourselves to looking only for romantic love, we miss the point.

Building upon that misunderstanding of the true nature of love, we zero in on that one person and attempt to stimulate those loving feelings. We develop a conscious and often unconscious agenda of wanting them to behave in ways that we believe are the cause of our transcendent experience. When we take this path, our love often becomes exclusionary and conditioned by our personal preferences and prejudices. Our love flows exclusively with this person but not with others, and we tend to trap each other in a web of expectations. When we look for love on websites, we want our prospective partner to be of a certain age, to have a certain body type and to share our likes and dislikes — all the things that we think will bring us to that transcendent experience. We think that if they are a match, they will be capable of igniting those feelings in us.

Truly loving another person with a capital “L” is a matter of freeing the other person of the responsibility to express his or her love for us only in the ways that we want to receive it. When we truly love, we get out of our own way by dropping all the concerns of our ego and allowing the pure radiance of the divine to shine through us to another. When the other person does that as well, the result is a pure and blissful experience of our own divinity reflected through another into a shared oneness.

I think we should all strive to be ambassadors of love with a capital “L” with as many people as possible, through our willingness to smile at a complete stranger as an offer of momentary transcendence as we pass each other by on the street; by calling to be of service to a friend who is facing a difficult time; and by choosing to sacrifice our petty judgments, expectations and any other ways that we have learned to withhold our loving kindness from others each day. It is a practice of becoming a safe and neutral place in which both our humanity and our divinity can dwell. It is through these actions that the place inside us that is loving awakens.

Perhaps this is truly what is meant in Matthew 18:20: “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” We experience God’s presence in the context of our everyday relationships with others. It is a reflective process. When we delight in another, what is actually happening is we are having a pure experience of oneness that transcends all our judgments and our demands that another person be how we want them to be. We have raised our consciousness up above earthly considerations, and that is indeed a divine experience.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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10 Secrets to Creating the Perfect Wedding Ceremony

Most couples want a wedding ceremony that speaks to their unique values, beliefs and life circumstances, but beyond a few inspired ideas, many are at a loss about how to put it all together. Having designed and officiated at hundreds of wedding ceremonies, here are my 10 top secrets to creating the ceremony of your dreams:

1) Remember that the ceremony is a sacred ritual and the most important part of your wedding day.

The marriage ceremony is rich with traditions that cross cultural boundaries and date back to ancient times. If a contemporary marriage ceremony does not include this sacred dimension, it runs the risk of being little more than the creation of a legal union. Like digging a well to tap into the aquifer, a ceremony that draws upon the sacred dimension connects a couple into the mystery of two becoming.

2) The wedding ceremony is a theatrical production and you are the producers/directors.

A seamless wedding ceremony is a carefully choreographed production. This theatrical dimension requires balancing the creation of a meaningful ceremony with careful attention to the details. Thinking everything through ahead of time and having a thorough rehearsal allows the members of the wedding party to confidently perform their parts, which will make the ceremony appear effortless to your guests.

It’s important that you take charge. If you have advisors, let them guide you through what decisions need to be made and what your alternatives are, but don’t let them make decisions for you. Even when you have a bridal consultant, be sure that all decisions affecting the ceremony are made by you.

3) A great ceremony strikes a balance between personal expression and tradition.

The rules governing the content of a wedding ceremony are those of the church and state. Religious traditions have their own specific way of performing the wedding ceremony and may not be open to the idea of personalizing the ceremony for individual couples. State laws specify such things as the minimum age for brides and grooms, the need for a qualified officiant, and the speaking of vows in front of witnesses.

When a couple is getting married outside the auspices of a particular religious tradition, they are free to customize their ceremony as long as they honor the laws of the state where they are getting married.

Creating a wonderful ceremony is a matter of balancing the opportunity for expressing your uniqueness with the comfort of the common ground of tradition. Going too far in one direction or the other creates a ceremony that is memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Be careful not to throw away all the elements of tradition. For example, when presenting ceremonial elements in my book, “The Wedding Ceremony Planner,” I chose to loosely follow the structure of the wedding ceremony found in the Book of Common Prayer, since eighty percent of Americans are Christian. That is why this common root of Christian wedding ceremonies is so familiar to most people. It also provides a logical sequence of events that allows the ceremony to reach crescendo with the sharing of vows, the ring exchange, the final blessing, pronouncement, and the kiss. I recommend that couples put their signature on their ceremony in the content of the elements they choose to include rather than in their sequencing.

4) Make sure you and your ceremony officiant have a comfortable working relationship.

The role of the officiant in a traditional religious ceremony is governed in large part by the rules of that religion, while interfaith and ecumenical ministers have much more freedom to customize your ceremony with you. Remember that you get to choose who marries you, and it is very important that you have a comfortable working relationship with him or her. Our job as clergy is to guide you and to serve you, and some of us do a better job of that than others.

It is not uncommon for couples to be intimidated by members of the clergy. We have personalities, and strengths and weaknesses in how we perform our jobs, just like everyone else. You are entitled to an officiant who cares about you and wants to help you to create the wedding ceremony that is right for you, even if it means he or she needs to go above and beyond the call of duty.

5) Allow your ceremony to be unique, but not a cliché.

Some couples try too hard to be unique, and end up including elements in their ceremony that are either disappointing, cliché or offensive to some of their guests. For example, one couple planned to have butterflies released during their recessional. Unfortunately, when the cardboard containers were opened, half the butterflies were dead. At another wedding, the groom, accompanied by his rock band, played a song for his bride in the middle of the ceremony. This mini jam session left many traditional guests horrified.

6) Be very clear about the time and location of your ceremony.

Some people believe that weddings never start on time. However, most couples plan the time of their reception based upon the assumption that their ceremony will start on time. Remember, the later your ceremony starts, the more time and money you will lose on your reception. It is a good idea to either be clear that your ceremony will start on time, or build in a time cushion by scheduling the start time fifteen minutes before you actually plan to begin. Just be careful not to put those who arrive on time in the position of having to wait too long.

Similarly, it is important to give your guests clear information about your ceremony location. Some couples choose locations that are aerobically challenging or simply inaccessible to elderly or physically challenged guests — including women in high heels. Be sure to include an excellent map and directions with your invitations. Also, strategically place signs, balloons or ushers to guide your guests to the wedding site. Another good idea is to provide the cell phone number of someone willing to serve as a contact person for guests who get delayed or lost. Give your family and friends the gift of a ceremony that starts on time, at a user-friendly, easy to reach site.

7) Keep it short and simple.

You can create a beautiful and memorable ceremony that takes no more than 15 or 20 minutes. In my experience, a ceremony that goes much longer than that runs the risk of creating fidgety, bored, and impatient guests. For example, you may lose the attention of your guests by including more than two readings.

8) Just breathe. Be present. Be joyful.

Your wedding ceremony is when you will first see all of your guests and they will see you. This may be a bit overwhelming or anxiety producing. I have seen many a couple come before me with terrified smiles on their faces and no air moving through their bodies. That’s when I remind them “Just breathe.” It is so simple, yet sometimes challenging for a couple to let go of all concerns so they can bring their hearts and minds present. Once they get to the altar, all the bride and groom really need to do is to look into the eyes of their beloved and just breathe and feel the joy in their hearts. What a magnificent moment in life and what a shame to miss it because you are worrying about some detail or find yourself overcome with nerves.

The greatest gift you can give yourself and each other on your wedding day is to be fully present in the loving that brought you both to this moment. You can only focus your attention on one thing at a time. So, let it be the joy, loving, and gratitude you feel to be joining together in marriage, rather than worrying about whether or not the caterer got your message about the olives. Just be fully present in your loving.

9) Remember that your wedding day has only 24 hours.

While this is one of the most important days of your life, it only has 24 hours like any other day and will come and go before you know it. The more you obsess about your wedding, the less you are likely to enjoy it. Have fun planning your special day, but don’t fall into the trap of trying to make it the most perfect and spectacular wedding that has ever existed on planet earth.

Enjoy discovering and expressing what aspects of your wedding day are truly important to the two of you as individuals and as a couple. Just remember, this is not an Olympic event. It is the celebration of your commitment to each other and the beginning of your journey together as husband and wife. Have a heartfelt and delightful day.

Don’t set yourselves up for disappointment by buying into unrealistic expectations and then falling into post-wedding depression because the day has passed and you are no longer the king and queen for the day. Your wedding day is meant to be a gathering of loved ones to witness and celebrate your union and to launch you into your life together as husband and wife. That brief 15 or 20 minutes called your wedding ceremony is what the day is all about — your entrance into the sacred and joyous covenant of marriage. Then you party, and then you have the rest of your lives together to fulfill your vows by loving, honoring, and cherishing each other.

10) Delegate, have fun, and keep your sense of humor.

Do plan ahead, paying careful attention to the details, and delegate implementation of your wishes to friends, family, and professionals. Once you have set your plans in motion, let them go. Do not carry them with you throughout your wedding day, comparing what actually happens to what was on your list. What you planned for was your image of perfection, which never actually happens. Remember to keep your sense of humor handy and to enjoy the serendipity as it unfolds. Be open to the unexpected blessings and surprises that are sure to come your way. May you and your marriage be blessed in all ways, always.

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If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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The True Face of Prejudice

I happen to think that the singular evil of our time is prejudice. It is from this evil that all other evils grow and multiply. In almost everything I’ve written there is a thread of this: a man’s seemingly palpable need to dislike someone other than himself.
–Rod Serling

When we encounter someone who does not resonate as “just like me” we are facing a moment of profound choice. Our response reflects the deepest instinct of our heart. Unfortunately, far too many of us respond without even thinking about it, with prejudicial thoughts about the person’s race, religion, ethnicity, body, clothing, or differences in social class, sexual orientation, age or disability, or any other variation that gives us the illusion that we are better than someone else. People find all sorts of reasons to pre-judge one another, building walls of separation rather than strengthening our human community.

A recent experience I had with prejudice motivated me to write this article to call for a greater sense of accountability for how we treat one another. I just moved into a beautiful newly-built apartment in the village of my town. It is a building that houses two apartments and is designed to fit into the architectural style of this established quiet neighborhood. While waiting for the construction to be completed before moving in, I learned that 40 neighbors had signed a petition to try and block the construction. Why? They were concerned that people who rent would bring down the neighborhood. They perceived us as people of a lower class and therefore undesirable. Part of the irony here is that a dilapidated old house that was considered an eyesore was removed from this property to build this nice, new two-apartment dwelling. I feel sorry for these people that their worldview is so very small and that their hearts have so many conditions.

No matter if our response to another person is on autopilot or deeply thought out, we are responsible for how we view one another, and consequently, how we treat each other. Sad to say, most of us could use a bit of remedial attention in this area of our consciousness.

It is one thing to have a preference, but quite another to be prejudiced against someone by rejecting him or her for being different. If we could just bring our consciousness present to the moment of our reaction, we might see that instead of stepping into a judgment of another as “less than me” or undesirable because they are different, we have the opportunity instead to step into gratitude for the abundance and grace that we perceive ourselves to have and to be gracious to the other person. Ironically, our choice says everything about us and really nothing at all about the other person. It is a matter of whether the door of our consciousness is open to variations on the theme of what it means to be human or shut because we are threatened by dissimilarity.

I think that when we look below the surface of any prejudice we find insecurity and fear. Prejudice says far more about the one who prejudges than it does about the one who is being judged. It tells us the one who judges is compelled to put someone else down to feel elevated. It tells us that the one who judges is scared of being how the other is perceived to be. It tells us that the one who judges attaches much value to his or her own relative stature and that this stature is an essential ingredient of his or her sense of self worth.

No matter what form it comes in, prejudice boils down to creating a hierarchical separation between yourself and someone else. Whether rejecting the other or preserving your own status, the net result is separation. As Judith Light says, “Bigotry or prejudice in any form is more than a problem; it is a deep-seeded evil within our society.” Not only are we responsible for the consequences of our attitudes, but our children either learn and absorb prejudices from us or become prejudiced against people like their parents, and the cycles of judgment go round and round. Wouldn’t it be smarter for us as individuals and collectively as a society to teach ourselves and our children:

  • To develop a healthy curiosity about the differences between people;
  • To understand that most of the ways in which we differ are out of our control;
  • That being different isn’t right or wrong — it’s just different;
  • To enjoy the variations on the theme of being human;
  • To be compassionate and charitable toward those who are actually less fortunate than we are;
  • To expand rather than to contract when faced with differences;
  • To develop the ability to discern the distinction between differences that are simply interesting and those that might merit some careful consideration.

Personally, I don’t think it would be much fun or very interesting to live in a world where everyone looks the same, earns the same amount of money, is culturally and ethnically the same, has the same level of intelligence, sexual orientation and body weight. Boring! I like our differences. But, I don’t like how ubiquitous prejudice is in our society. We seem to accept and tolerate it as though it were a normal way to be. Even for those of us who call ourselves “spiritual” or “a good person” it might be wise to take stock of our own behavior around prejudice. Do you experience prejudicial reactions to any individual or group of people? If so, are you willing to make the effort to change that by choosing a path of kindness that respects the dignity of all people? Einstein said “It is harder to crack a prejudice than an atom.” That may be so, but the benefit to us, to those we judge, to our society and future generations is well worth the effort. Let’s learn to be intolerant of our own intolerance.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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