Do You Know the 6 People in Your Marriage?

Have you ever noticed that you and your partner keep having essentially the same fight over and over again?

No matter what the topic, whenever you get into an argument, does it always seems to  turn out the same way? That’s usually because you are shadowboxing with the wrong person.

Let me introduce you to the six people in your relationship.

#1: You, when things are going along fine between you .
#2: Your partner when things are going along fine between you.
#3: How you see your partner when he/she has pushed one of your emotional buttons.
#4: How your partner sees you when you have pushed one of his/her emotional buttons.
#5: How you see yourself when your partner has pushed one of your emotional buttons.
#6: How your partner sees him/herself when you have pushed one of his/her buttons.

What emotional buttons inside of you is your partner pushing?

You might have noticed this all boils down to how we react to when one of our emotional buttons gets pushed. Unfortunately, most of us are unaware of our internal emotional wiring and how and why we are getting triggered. We prefer to think the problem is always our partner’s fault. So, we end up trying to get our partner to change his/her behavior. Instead, consider looking within yourself. Seek to understand how and why you react as you do. What exactly is making you angry, defensive, or feeling misunderstood.

Stop blaming your partner and do your inner work.

Stop blaming each other and start decoding your inner dynamics. This will put you on the road to significantly improving the health and well-being of your relationship.

Let current button pushing show you where you need to heal leftover hurts from the past that are being activated. Getting hot-headed and blaming each other will eventually drive you apart seeking seemingly greener pastures. Instead, how about  embracing the opportunity to transform your relationship into a safe emotional haven for you both.

Here’s an example of the six people in action.

The following example might help you to recognize the six people in your marriage or partnership in action. Remember, most arguments seem really stupid when you replay them.

Meet Robin (#1) and Jack (#2). They are in love, have been dating about a year and are becoming disillusioned by their habitual fights. To make it easier to follow, I’m just going to present explanations of Robin’s behavior and leave Jack’s perspective (#4 and #6) to your imagination. Robin is a graphic designer and marketing expert and this is her first serious relationship.

A recent argument went as follows. Everything was just fine between them. Then, Jack told Robin he was planning to develop a new website. His plan was to lay out his vision of what he wanted. Then he would have his friend Chip do the graphic design work that would bring his vision to his website. Robin became incensed. Why didn’t Jack  even consult her for her graphic design expertise? She began spinning reasons in her head about all the things that are “wrong” with Jack, fueling her upset. She got more and more angryas she told herself how “right” she was (#5) and how “wrong” Jack was (#3).

She condescendingly corrected him saying it would be Chip who created the vision – not Jack. Jack felt insulted that Robin thought he was not creative and would have no creative input in the design of his own website. Finally, Jack, running late for work, headed for the door. Robin was left in disbelief that he could just walk out like that.

Here’s the decoded version of what was really happening in the above scene. All was fine between them until Robin (#1) got triggered by several things that she misinterpreted about what Jack way saying. She took offense that here she was a graphic designer and loving partner (#5) and it didn’t occur to Jack to ask for her input. This reinforced her belief/fear that Jack didn’t value or respect her professional competence (#3). That’s the person she was fighting with.

I asked Robin to focus on the feeling she had when Jack first pushed her button. Then I asked her to trace it backward in her life. Where else had she felt that way? She immediately recognized this feeling being associated with her relationship with her older sister. A specific image came to mind of playing with their Power Rangers. Her sister always took the pink one and never even noticed or cared that Robin would have liked the pink one too. This had become a pattern in her life.

So, standing there with Jack, her sensitivity to being left out of consideration by another was the trigger. The old, unresolved emotions with her sister wereskewing and fueling the intensity of her reaction to Jack. Angry, she asserted her authority (#3) by correcting Jack’s description of turning over his designs to a graphic designer to execute. Jack, with his own sensitivity to believing that Robin didn’t think of him as having any creativity (#4), got angry and disgusted with her. He also felt that, as usual, she was making an issue where none existed. He headed for the door because he wanted to get away from her and this craziness.

Robin, outraged at his choice to leave at that moment, feared that he was leaving her forever. That was another childhood fear that was being triggered.  She told me how  her father used to storm out in disgust with her mother. As a child, she was always afraid her father would never return and thouht it was all her mother’s fault. With Jack gone, she began turning her anger on herself and blaming herself for pushing him away, afraid he would never return. Got the picture? Each one was having an entirely different experience and conversation – doing battle with figments of their imagination in the theater of their minds.

Get rid of your old emotional baggage.

This is common behavior between “normal” people who have not cleaned up their old emotional baggage. And inevitably, past baggage gets triggered in present relationships. So, what do you do? If you can afford it, I suggest getting a marriage counselor or mentor with a good sense of humor.  Learn what your respective triggers are and how to deactivate them. This will allow you  to approach your differences in a constructive, exploratory, and non-blaming way.

Alternatively, try to do this decoding on your own. The place to begin is always to turn your attention inward instead of outward. Shift from the blame game to truly healing and transforming the quality of your communication. It is important to realize that we each need to become intimately aware of how we are wired based on past experiences. Otherwise, it all runs on autopilot and runs amuck as in the example above.

If your partner is not willing to do this together, don’t let that stop you from pursuing your own inner work. He or she simply might not be as convinced or ready as you are. Take the lead. Do your part to take ownership of your own baggage. Discover how past hurts are creating current sensitivities. Once you start behaving differently – as in doing a different dance step — your partner will follow along eventually. When six people are fighting, no one is being heard.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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Celebrating Oneness in Diversity

Do you and your partner frequently battle over who is “right” and who is “wrong?” If so, battles will be won, but a war will rage on.

Right/wrong thinking makes a relationship an ongoing power struggle. It is the territory of two ego personalities who are only considering two options: winning or losing. Only one can be right, and the other is therefore wrong. As long as we think in those terms, we will always be at war with each other.

It is the decision-making process used, rather than the decisions themselves, that speak volumes about the quality of a relationship.

When you replace either/or thinking with both/and thinking a whole new world of healthy relating opens up. It allows for the process of co-creation by equally respected partners. Whether deciding what to have for dinner or when and how to express shared intimacy, your decision-making style makes all the difference.

Think in terms of a continuum of possibilities. At one extreme the decision-making process will demonstrate one partner dominating and silencing the other. At the other extreme is a shared process of considering each person’s point of view, evaluating the alternatives together, and finding a solution that serves the highest good of all concerned. Guess which one is more healthy?

Take a look at the major relationships in your life and ask yourself how healthy your decision-making style is. Are you a bully? Do you play a victim role? Do you feel heard?

When one partner dominates, something dies in the other partner. When both participate, both partners thrive. This is true whether the two parties are schoolyard children, marriage partners, business associates, or countries.

Dominance expresses a lack of caring and consideration for the concerns and welfare of the other. It is a silencing of one by the other. Dominance breads hostility. It demonstrates a lack of mutual respect and an inevitable retaliation in one form or another by the underdog. Consider the waiter who secretly spits in your soup because you were condescending and rude. What drives a marriage partner to withhold sex claiming frequent headaches?

The fact that you are able to dominate and silence another person by throwing your weight around  doesn’t make your point of view the “best” approach. It simply shows your lack of awareness and inability to participate in more fruitful, kind and caring relationships with others.

Bullies, social and institutional norms, and political hierarchies of power often silence the most brilliant, creative minds that might otherwise contribute better solutions.

I often wonder how rich and healthy we could be if we nurtured the full participation of all rather than the advancement of the few.

Many people who carry unresolved and accumulated anger from their past let off steam by bullying others. Some, flashing the badge of their social position, title or wealth, pursue their own agenda at the expense of others. They tell themselves it is their right — they are entitled and others are not.

Consider the “mean” boss, the bully in the schoolyard, or one who abuses children. Think about how the “most powerful” countries in the world take advantage of the smaller and less developed nations.  “Might” most certainly does not make “right” nor does it demonstrate the best of which we are capable.

The social consequences of allowing bullying, dominance, and right/wrong decision-making to prevail in our world are enormous.

How much personal growth, loving, caring and sharing is sacrificed when right/wrong thinking and dominance prevails?

How much creativity, productivity and camaraderie is lost to systems and leadership styles that stifle  the contribution of employees?

What countries truly strive to maximize the health, happiness, and productivity of their citizenry? The irony is this is more true of “primitive” societies than of “advanced” societies.

The sad thing is that the worst offenders don’t even know what they are missing and are satisfied with the spoils of the greedy wars they wage. They are often unaware of the magnitude of abundance they could create by nourishing rather than starving others.

Look around and you will see many who are consciously working to break through the prevailing cultural pattern of creating personal hierarchies of power in human relationships. It is a slow process of choosing more kindness, more caring, more encouragement of hope and participation. It is fueled by a vision of celebrating our oneness while honoring our differences.

Many are seeking to find ways to tap the vast resources of participation, creativity, and productivity.  Momentum is growing as individuals look for enlightened lovers and leaders and join causes that seek greater health and well-being.

People are learning to speak up rather than allowing themselves to be silenced or to give up. Some are creating relationships and organizations that are alive and evolving. They nurture all participants to be free, safe, and encouraged to fully participate.  Collaborative thinking is being encouraged.

Pay attention to your affiliations and the quality of your relationships. Are you perpetuating the old or helping to bring in the new?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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When Loved Ones Aren’t Very Loving

Do you dread gathering with your family and friends for holidays, weddings, funerals and other events? Or have you been blessed with a truly loving and nurturing family? Dysfunctional childhood and family dynamics have a way resurfacing and making us feel crazy, trapped, and wanting to run for the hills.

If this sounds familiar, ask yourself these questions to explore the role you play in these dramas:

  • Are you consistently kind to everyone?
  • Do you reject certain people and favor others?
  • Do you hold grudges that have been festering for years?
  • Are you one who stands by pretending not to see the elephant in the room? Has it been there for many, many years?
  • Do you strive to truly demonstrate loving kindness for everyone there?
  • In what ways do you contribute to the discord?
  • Do you see yourself as a helpless and innocent victim?
  • Are you someone who thinks you are somehow better than everyone else?
  • What kind of attitude and behaviors do you contribute?

The term ‘loved ones’ implies special status – our inner circle. Yet, some of us are kinder to total strangers than to those with whom we share our lives.

In many families at least one giant elephant of discord sits in the room. There is a silent conspiracy that everyone participates in pretending not to see it or to do anything to get rid of it. Perhaps there is a drug-addicted child, or an alcoholic parent whose toxicity dominates the experience of being together. Or maybe it is a nasty, judgmental sister, a boring uncle, a nerd, or someone you hold a grudge against.

If this is a familiar experience for you, are you going along with the same old dysfunctional dynamic? Is there something you might do to contribute to healing the situation? It takes courage to go against the tide. Are you willing to name the elephant and to initiate efforts to deal constructively with the negativity?  Consider the alternative of letting things continue to fester. Do you really want to forego the possibility of having a mutually respectful and enjoyable time together?

Consider the following example. I know one family with two sisters and a brother in the middle. They have put up with the older sister’s judgments and rejection of the younger sister for decades.

The elder sister feels that her disdain is justified by her judgments of her sister. The brother plays the peacemaker and maintains separate relationships with his sisters. He initites family gatherings in the hope that this will go away. He tries to be a good sport and acts as though he is  unconscious of the feud. Meanwhile, the younger sister suffers through these gatherings. After making numerous attempts to talk to her sister about healing the discord between them, she has withdrawn from family gatherings.

Every family gathering is tainted.

“all the while scarlet thoughts, putrid fantasies, and no love”

-Louis Auchincloss

 

Consider what is at stake. Why should everyone have to suffer because someone doesn’t like one of the family or group of friends? Why not challenge that person either privately or publicly? Let them know that you do not appreciate or support their behavior. Acknowledge to them that their negativity is toxic for everyone else involved? Why not go on record as being unwilling to support this kind of behavior in the future? Ask the person what they are making more important then loving one another.

Another constructive act is to let the apparent victim know that you care about their well-being and do not approve of the aggressor’s behavior.

As adults we are each responsible for what we create, promote, and allow in our lives. We are accountable for how our behavior affects others – no matter how justifiable we believe our attitudes and behaviors to be.

At the end of the day, we are either contributing to more loving kindness for all involved or more distress and discord.

Is there something you might do differently next time to demonstrate that nothing is more important to you than being loving and kind to one another?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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If so, please share it with them. 

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3 Truths: Mine, Yours, and Empirical Reality

Two of the biggest mistakes we make in figuring out what is going on in our lives are:

 

  • to assume that our perceptions of reality match empirical reality. 

 

  • to assume that anyone who disagrees with us is simply wrong.

 

One of the great ironies of life is that no two people see anything exactly the same way.

 

 

Rumi taught the teaching story depicted above about four blind men encountering an elephant. Consider the significance of the following points:

 

  • Each one encounters a different part of the elephant because the elephant is too large for anyone of them to fully know all at once.
  • They are all blind.
  • The “truth” of what an elephant is does not change as a result of their various points of view.

 

Each one of us functions the way we do as a result of our unique journey being who we are. Some of us get quite stuck and set in our ways, while others remain open – learning, evolving, and changing.

 

Relationships get really complicated in this context. We perceive ourselves and each other through our unique information filtering processes. The fact of the matter is that no two people will experience and understand a shared experience in exactly the same way.

Ironically, the empirical truth is often less significant than the ability of those having different points of view to seek understanding of each other. Next time you are baffled by another person’s point of view, try looking through their eyes, and see if you can get them to take a look through yours as well.

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When a Difference of Opinion Threatens a Friendship

What happens when you have a significant difference of opinion with someone you care deeply about? How do you evaluate what is going on? How do you treat each other? What kind of outcome can you expect? 20/20 hindsight gives us a much clearer understanding than what we see in the midst of a heated disagreement.

Here’s what I think is important to consider in dealing with a heated disagreement with someone you deeply care about:  

1. You are not seeing the same situation the same way.

  • Each person experiences the shared situation through the filter of their own expectations, assumptions, past experiences, beliefs, wounds, and habitual patterns of behavior.
  • Given our unique filtering process, we do not see the same situation the same way. While there is a certain objective reality to what has occurred, there are also two distinct perceptions of reality that may be similar or vastly different.

2. Each person has their own habitual ways of reacting.

  • It is helpful to observe yourself and the other person to see your respective reaction patterns. Are either of you copping an attitude and harsh judgment of the other? If so, by viewing the situation through that filter you are probably refusing to consider the other person’s point of view. If you are caught in a pattern of judging and rejecting the other person as the cause of your distress, you are likely selectively interpreting what is happening to prove yourself right rather than to reach across the great divide to the other person. Do you judge and reject the other person, or are you open to finding out what the other person is experiencing? Are you willing to discuss what is happening, or do you shut the other person out? Do your feelings get hurt? Do you get angry? Do you keep trying to explain your point of view, even if the other person doesn’t want to hear it or is incapable of hearing it? 

3.  The way out is not by making one person right and the other one wrong.

  • When we blame and judge the other person, we are attempting to be right and justified in holding them responsible for the discord and our upset. This typically results in an inability to even consider what the other person’s experience is and in selectively acknowledging and remembering only those aspects of the situation which support your myopic  point of view. 
  • Believing that you are right might feel good, but it only serves to maintain the divide between you.
  • Better than being right is being wise enough to seek understanding of the other person’s point of view in an effort to heal the situation.

4.  Behaviors have consequences.

  • How people treat each other matters deeply. If we are cruel and judgmental, we seed fear and distrust. If we are kind, we create safe places for us to be together. We are responsible for what we are creating, promoting, and allowing in our relationships and how our behavior impacts others around us as well. For example, parents who engage in a toxic relationship are poor role models for their children. Two friends who have a falling out create tension and drama in their shared community that is often unfair to one or the other.

5.  You are responsible for the choices you make. And sometimes when we get hot under the collar, we don’t make very good choices. Nonetheless, we are responsible for our attitudes and behaviors. 

I’m currently sorting my way through a disagreement that resulted in a 35-year precious friendship irreparably blowing up. I cannot speak to what the other person involved was experiencing and why she refused to try to heal what was happening. On my final appeal to her to do so, she responded, “Not in this lifetime.” No matter how unreasonable such a response might seem, I recognize that she has a right to make that choice. 

Each person has their own way of reacting to a difference of opinion where the outcome is particularly important to them. For example, I first became aware of the problem with my friend when she expressed anger and judgement towards me and blamed her unhappiness on me. I reacted with shock and kept trying to share my very different perspective on what was going on, but she refused to hear it. 

When one person refuses to seek healing and reconciliation, the other is forced to move forward without any shared resolution. For me, this is the hardest part  – to have no hope and to be left to grieve a friendship I treasured. But life doesn’t always make sense. Our relationship is over, and there is nothing more for me to do about that.  But there are life lessons for me to learn here about how I engage with others while remaining true to myself. Here are some of the things I am looking at: 

  • Did I do my best moving through this situation?
  • Was I compassionate about her distress?
  • In what ways did I respect or disrespect myself or her?
  • What was most difficult for me, and how did I handle that? 
  • Where could I have done better?
  • What do I need to do to support myself in processing what has just happened?
  • Am I willing to forgive us both for our inability to create a better outcome?
  • What would God have me learn from this to do better in the future?

None of us are perfect. I do believe that we are all doing the best we can, and this is what that looks like. All we can really ask of ourselves is to remain true to ourselves, be kind to each other, and stay open to learning our life lessons as we move through our experiences. Trials and tribulations are a natural part of life, and so it behooves us to build skill in meeting life’s challenges.

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Love: Lighting Each Other Up Inside

 

Years ago, I remember being disturbed by my spiritual teacher, John-Roger, describing love as activating or stimulating that place inside of each other where love resides. It seemed so unromantic. I had been raised to believe in the Valentine’s Day romantic version of love where you find love outside of yourself in that one special person who lights up your world and then, as the fairy tale goes, you live happily ever after.

What if love serves a different purpose in our lives than that? What if love is a kind of awakening of something that lives inside each of us? What if others who rouse that place of loving inside of us are simply serving us by reflecting to us the best that is within us? What if the point is not to find and grab ahold of one special person, but rather to figure out how to shine our own inner light of loving on as many people as possible to do our part to heal this world?

This is by no means a prescription for either sexual promiscuity or exclusivity. Sexual expression is a separate matter entirely. However, whether you are two friends, family members, or romantic partners, there is a fine line between a healthy relationship of love where two people are choosing to serve as awakeners and reminders of the power of love for each other and a dysfunctional bond where two people try to isolate, possess, and control each other.

If indeed love is something that already exists inside of us then perhaps the best way to celebrate Valentine’s Day is to use the light of love that exists inside of you to awaken and lift others to what is the best within them. Love is not out there. It is in here – inside each of us.

Let’s reclaim a higher purpose to Valentine’s Day than trying to seduce one another with gifts and romantic gestures that fuel a $22 billion industry. Consider taking the time to write love letters to the people in your life who serve to remind you of the best that is within you. Who are those people? How do they make you feel inside yourself? How do they inspire you? What are you most grateful for about having them in your life? Tell them. What greater gift could there possibly be?

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When Your Partner Becomes a Stranger

Sometimes, seemingly out of left field, your partner becomes someone you don’t recognize. An invisible line gets crossed and you find yourself being treated like his or her enemy or someone they are disinterested in rather than as their cherished partner. One minute everything seems fine and the next you don’t recognize this person inhabiting your loved one’s body. What do you do? Is it a passing, but forgivable, mood? Or is something bigger going on here? Is it time to pack your bags? Time to stand up for yourself? Or is it time to work on your relationship together? The fact of the matter is there are no hard and fast rules here except to pay attention, hold your own counsel, and trust your gut.

Chances are when things get this out of hand it’s because neither of you have developed effective enough communication skills to be really heard by each other. When communications are running smoothly – even when you have very different points of view, and emotions and stakes are high – both parties are concerned not only for their own preferences, but for the health of the relationship and the well-being of their partner as well.

The bottom line is that a marriage or partnership can only be as healthy as the two people involved. Since there are no perfect people, there are no perfect relationships. Most of us have never learned how to have healthy disagreements and therefore end up either fighting for our own point of view or withdrawing from the conversation. This kind of fight or flight response carries with it two very dangerous consequences. First, it triggers a primitive physiological response where our blood flows to our extremities and quite literally renders us less brainpower with which to work. Secondly, it places us in an adversarial response mode where we view our partner and his or her different point of view as the enemy we are fighting against or fleeing from. When it gets to this point anything your partner says other than “you’re right” will be rejected and just add fuel to the fire.

As we move through our lives, our behavior in relationships is a powerful and accurate mirror and feedback mechanism for us to see ourselves in action. Unfortunately, when the going gets tough, too many of us project our own imbalances out onto our partner and end up lashing out by blaming and judging them or withdrawing our caring. The idea of bearing responsibility for our own part of the dysfunction by recognizing our own fears and unmet needs and going to work on them gets lost in the shuffle. If you come into the relationship with dysfunctions (which we all do), sooner or later they are going to be acted out. We are complex, multi-dimensional beings and from birth to death, whether or not we are in primary relationships with other people, we will always be in relationship with ourselves. What this means is we need to take responsibility for our own health and well-being physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When we do that, we have a far better chance of having healthy relationships with others.

Here’s an example. John and Mary have been together for a few years and both seem to really want their relationship to last. There are minor irritations and grievances here and there, but they always seem to work things out. Then Mary becomes increasingly stressed out about some other aspect of her life and her stress starts spilling over onto their relationship. She becomes short-tempered, judgmental, and emotionally unavailable to John. Then one day, she lashes out at John with an overblown reaction fueled by a litany of past, unresolved grievances she has been building resentment over. John is blind-sided. He doesn’t recognize himself as this awful person with whom Mary is so furious. Stunned in the moment, he doesn’t have a clue what to do. Clearly, there is no talking to Mary when she is worked up like this. So, he retreats and starts running all her accusations through his mind and starts to doubt himself, reasoning that she knows him better than anyone else, so maybe she’s right – maybe he is the terrible, selfish, inconsiderate loaf she is making him out to be. But, another voice in his head is probably saying “No, I’m not that person and I don’t recognize Mary when she acts like this and am wondering what I am doing with someone like this.”

So, what are their options. Unless either or both of them move past their myopic self concerns and consider the impact their discord is having on each other and the relationship there is probably little that can be done. They will either wear themselves out or wear their partner down and possibly kiss and make up until it happens again. Maybe one or the other will hit their limit and decide they are better off out of the relationship then in it and leave. Alternatively, they will get professional help to learn how to recognize their own dysfunctions in action and to resolve their differences in a healthy manner.

I do not believe that either the longevity of a relationship or a lack of disagreements is a sound indicator of its health. People stay in relationships for all kinds of good and bad reasons and many stay together far longer than is in either partner’s best interest.

Whether a couple is married or not, the choice to be a couple inherently suggests a level of commitment to care about the well-being of your partner and the health of the relationship. Each couple needs to carefully consider the nature of their relationship commitment. For example, in the traditional marriage vow are they pledging to be together until the death of one or the other’s body or the death of the relationship itself?

When in doubt, pay attention, hold your own counsel, trust your gut and see where that leads you. If you believe that you and your partner will be able to learn and use healthier communication skills – go for it. If not, cut your losses, learn your own lessons, and move on.

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The Ultimate Wedding Ring Exchange

The exchange of wedding rings typically occurs immediately after the sharing of wedding vows. It is a symbolic ritual in which marriage partners place a ring on their partner’s finger to create a physical reminder of the sacred vows they have exchanged. The wearing of the wedding ring serves several purposes. It reminds the wearer of his or her promise to love, honor, and cherish their partner. It also serves to inform others that the wearer is in a committed relationship. How many times have you checked out someone’s ring finger for this sign of being married or possibly available?

My personal favorite ring exchange ritual carries a beautiful message of how love flows between two people. In the exchange itself, each partner places the ring only up to the knuckle of his or her partner. In turn, the partner takes the ring over his or her knuckle to its resting place. As they do so, each giver, looking deeply into his or her partner’s eyes, might say something like “I give you this ring as a symbol of my promise to you” or simply “I love you.” The recipient, also maintaining deep eye contact, might respond saying something like “Receiving your love is my greatest blessing” or “I will treasure your love always.” No matter what the exchange of words that accompany this exchange, the gestures themselves hold a deep meaning and reminder about the conscious choice individuals make in entering the sacred covenant of marriage with another and of their respective responsibility for the flow of love between them.

Here is what this symbolism means. There are four gestures – each partner gives his or her love to their partner and each receives love from the other.
I think of these four gestures as representing four doors or passageways that either admit or restrict the flow of love between two people. For love to flow fully between two people all four doors must be open. In other words, I openly choose to give my love to you and to receive love from you and vice versa. Each is the gatekeeper to giving and receiving love.

This symbolism can serve the couple as a great reminder of their mutual responsibility as they face the realities of daily life and the trials and tribulations of their journey together. Whenever either partner becomes aware of the fact that the love is not flowing between them, it is time to look at which of the four doors is fully or partially closed. Am I mad at you and punishing you by withholding my love from you? Or, has something happened that has closed my heart to your love? It would behoove every marriage partner to ask him or herself these questions whenever the marriage becomes strained. Asking ‘which of the four doors has been shut?’ is a shortcut to figuring out which partner is restricting the flow of love between you and why. It is important but difficult to do this without throwing blame around. Rather, it is best approached with an honest intention of wanting to restore the health and well-being of the partnership. If both partners understand and embrace their responsibility on this level, they will be far more likely to reestablish balance and their love more quickly when a shutdown occurs and to truly learn from their experiences facing life together.

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Who Pushes Your Buttons?

We all have sensitivities to the behaviors of others and it can be helpful to look below the surface of that dynamic. Our automatic response is generally to blame and judge the other person and then to attempt to get them to change their behavior. Why? Because we perceive their behavior to be the source of our irritation or upset. We want to decrease or eliminate our distress and the obvious solution seems to be to get them to stop doing what irritates us.

But wait – while this might be an effective short-term solution, it doesn’t deal with the fact that we have the hot button in the first place. Usually these sensitivities point to something much deeper in our psyche that has little to do with the situation at hand.

Here’s an example. I tend to get extremely irritated by the “customer service” and/or technical support telephone experience. I find myself talking back at the mechanical voice that tells me how important my call is to the company and I get increasingly irritated by the call routing process of “press 1 for this and 2 for that.” There never seems to be an option for what I am calling about and I just want to talk to a human being who cares about my concern and can help me. By the time I finally reach someone, I’m often so upset that I feel the need to tell them so before getting down to business which simply starts us off on the wrong foot. Granted, in my perfect world, customer service and technical support would be efficient and effective in responding to the customer’s needs in a timely fashion. But, in reality they seldom are. So, of what use is it for me to get upset? Why don’t I just take a deep breath when I need to call for help, accept the reality that it will take more time than I would like, and be grateful that someone will eventually help me? Can you even begin to imagine how hard I am on myself when I am inefficient or ineffective? Inside of me, there is this mini-kingdom of inner torment that generates great billowing clouds of negativity when I encounter inefficiency and ineffectiveness in myself and others. When someone honks on that button, guess what? It’s not their fault! It’s simply a reminder to me that I need to get to work desensitizing myself in that particular area.

So, what are your buttons? Ask yourself – are you a completely mellow-mannered person or do you have hot spots that spew anger when provoked? Does it happen when you are impatient? When someone cuts you off driving? When someone repeatedly interrupts or talks over you? When someone is unkind, inconsiderate, mean, petty, or small-minded? What sets you off?

Next time someone pushes your button, look inward instead of outward for the key to restoring your inner peace. Even if you can’t stop yourself from reacting in the moment, take the time after the fact to explore your inner territory. What assumptions are you making about how people or the world should be?

When I explored my issues with customer service experiences, I discovered that I really did believe that customer service systems and representatives should always be efficient and effective. So, the problem I experienced was not that they lacked these characteristics, but that I was unwilling to accept this reality. We live in a very imperfect world where human behavior is concerned. When we rage against the imperfections, we add more negativity to the mix. I am not suggesting that we simply play victim to the injustices and imperfections we experience with each other. Rather, we need to first and foremost be responsible and accountable for our own contribution – to our own reactions. If we are not inclined to raise public awareness about the issue at hand by proposing solutions and seeking momentum to bring about change, then our job is to tend our own garden. For my little drama this means reminding myself that the experience is likely to be more time-consuming than I would like and choosing to be as efficient and courteous as I can be to improve my chances of having a better experience. I also, put the phone on speaker and play computer solitaire while I wait – that helps a lot.

So, next time someone pushes your button, consider trying the following techniques to restore your inner peace:

• Count to ten before you react.

• If you must react, make sure your response is productive and does not add fuel to the fire.

• Choose to focus inwardly on your own consciousness rather than outwardly on the other person and their behavior.

• Ask yourself what beliefs or assumptions you hold that are in conflict with your experience and seek a more reality-based perspective.

• Remind yourself that you are an active participant/contributor to the quality of experience you are having.

• Seek to master skills in dealing with those parts of your experience that aren’t to your liking in a way that serves the highest good of all concerned.

Imagine how much nicer this world would be if we each did our part to desensitize our anger buttons!

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Getting Divorced? What Can You Do For Your Children?

Divorce and what leads up to it are not tidy and polite affairs.  The children who bear witness to the demise of their parents’ marriage inevitably get wounded – some very deeply and invisibly at first.   No matter how old a child is when his/her parents’ divorce occurs, the child learns a life lesson about the shadow side of love and its potential impermanence.  Learning this lesson through the end of your parents’ marriage and perhaps the subsequent re-partnering of either or both parents, is confusing at best and life-threatening for young children who are dependent upon their parents for their very survival.

When we fall in love and marry, many of us have stars in our eyes and fantasize about living happily ever after.  Then reality sets in and tests our ability to fulfill our vows to love, honor and cherish each other through the trials and triumphs of life.  If we lived in a perfect world, love would last and be stronger than all the challenges that tear us apart.   In reality, maintaining a loving relationship takes a lot of commitment, honesty, and vulnerability.  It’s not for the faint of heart.

As a child of divorce, a life coach, and an interfaith minister who officiates at many weddings, I do not think that divorce, in and of itself, is a bad thing.  In fact, I wish my own parents had divorced much earlier than they did which would have spared us from living in a cold war of mixed messages at home that wore a public mask of a perfect family.

When a parent leaves, so does a part of the child – we often hide the vulnerable and innocent parts of ourself to avoid dealing with our feelings and needs.  We lack the personal resources to cope and our parents are too busy fighting, so most of us are left with the options of either expressing or repressing our emotions and fears.  Hiding them is usually a safer bet.

These days most parents are too busy to be as attentive as their child(ren) need them to be when the family is falling apart and the kids are too often left to fend for themselves.  However, this is a crucial time for a child.  No matter how young or grown a child of divorce is, he or she has probably internalized some deep lessons that may remain as an unconscious filter through which he or she experience the rest of their life unless and until becoming aware of those messages and developing a realistic and healthy understanding of  the matter.  The two most dominant messages that kids of divorce internalize are believing that their parents’ divorce is somehow their fault and that love is conditional and might not last.  Let’s take a closer look at both of these messages.

Younger children tend to be more susceptible to thinking the divorce is their fault.  “If only I hadn’t … then Mommy and Daddy would still be together” is what many kids tell themselves.  Some try to “fix” the situation by being on good behavior, imagining that doing so will be all that is needed to bring the parents back together so they can live happily ever after as a family.  Even after the parents are officially divorced and are living separately, many children fantasize about what they can do to get their family back together again. For a child who thinks his or her bad behavior is responsible for the parents splitting up, it makes sense that they think their good behavior might reunite them and that their bad behavior might stave off a new suitor.

The second dark message many children of divorce hear is that love is conditional and does not last.   ‘You loved my Mommy or Daddy, then he/she did something you didn’t like and now you are divorced.  I better be careful or you’ll divorce me too.” We want our children to believe that our love for them is unconditional, but divorcing their other parent gives them a mixed message.

When we internalize the message that love doesn’t last, we learn to protect ourselves from getting hurt by not getting too close to anyone.  We may evolve a survival strategy of avoiding intimacy – especially emotional intimacy as a way to avoid the vulnerability of ever feeling so powerless and devastated again.  We may keep to ourselves or choose to use other people without actually bonding with them.

What can parents do to help their children thrive rather than hide when the family is breaking apart?

• First, don’t assume that reassuring your child that you love him/her is enough.

• Know that no matter how careful you might have been not to fight in front of the children, they saw and heard and felt their family falling apart and had no personal resources to do anything about it.

• Know that no matter whether they act out or put a smile on their face, their world is falling apart too.

• Take lots of time with them to help them draw out their deeper feelings and needs. Talk to them. Listen deeply. Use forms of creative expression to draw out their deeper truth. Go for counseling together. Reach out to their teachers and guidance counselors to help you watch for signs of distress. Check out books and websites on the topic.

• Keep the lines of communication with each child strong and open on a daily basis and keep a loving connection with them throughout their adulthood. Make a commitment with your X to both do this for each child and to not interfere with each other doing so.

• If the child acts out, make sure that your reaction communicates that your love is not conditional based on their behavior – i.e. “I love you and will always love you, but I will not accept that behavior.”

• Never complain to the child about the other parent.

• Never let them see or hear your judgment of the other parent. For the sake of the children, please play nice with your X when coordinating care and decisions regarding the children.

These days most parents are too busy to be as attentive as their child(ren) need them to be when the family is falling apart and the kids are too often left to fend for themselves.  The health and well-being of your children is your responsibility until they are able to take care of themselves.  Pay attention and be sure they feel your love no matter what.

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