Archive for category: Consciousness/Thriving

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7 Tips for Talking About Health and Money With Elderly Parents

Not since your conversation about the birds and the bees have you and your parents faced such a difficult conversation. Sooner or later, adult children and their elderly parents need to talk about the parents’ medical, financial and legal affairs. The inescapable truth is that at some point the responsibility will fall upon the children to ensure the quality of the parents’ care, to carry out their wishes and to finalize their personal affairs. Having an effective dialogue about this will depend on the family’s unique circumstances, the parent’s mental, emotional and physical condition and the quality of family relationships. Here are seven tips for successfully discussing these sensitive private matters.

Above all else, be gentle, kind, loving and supportive – treat your parents as you would wish to be treated.

I welcome your comments.

If you would like to suggest a topic for a future blog or ask me to address a particular situation or issue, please email me here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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12 Inspirational Quotes To Reframe Our Thinking About Death

Mention death, and specifically human mortality, and most people become visibly disturbed. Yet each and every one of us will die sooner or later, and no one knows when. Thinking about death in the abstract is one thing, but embracing your own mortality is quite another matter.

Within the context of our typical dualistic thinking, we tend to view life as good and death as bad. Yet, death is normal, neither good nor bad. Each one of us is born, lives and dies. We exist in a cycle, a lifespan of unknown duration. Each of us has been a baby, a child, an adolescent and now we are somewhere in our adulthood, maturing, aging, slowing down. Each stage of life provides a different kind of opportunity for learning and growing and experiencing life and gaining wisdom. Death is not negotiable. It is as essential as life to the great mystery of our existence.

So, let’s take a look at some of the really good things about death:

  • Thinking about death makes us think more deeply about how we are living our lives. It’s a funny thing how the rarity of a commodity increases its value to us. So, if we live as though we will live forever, we are less likely to find as much richness in life as we do when we really understand that any moment could be our last. Death makes life precious.
  • Death levels the playing field. No one has the hometown advantage. It doesn’t matter how much money you have, how pretty you are or how educated; you’re still going to die. Death is an equal-opportunity experience.
  • Death punctuates life and gives it meaning. If we simply lived on and on and on endlessly, without stages of growth and maturation, we would have no reference point for our experiences. It may not seem like we were going anywhere. We might lack the motivation to make a go of it before it’s too late.
  • Death teaches us to live with the unknown. No matter how much we try to control ourselves, our lives and others, life is full of surprises, and there is a whole lot more going on here than we can even begin to fathom. No matter how important we might think we are, each of us is humbled by the reality that there are forces at work beyond our control. That makes life a whole lot more interesting than if we could control everything. The mysteries of life, like the fact that we breathe or the fact that we even exist, are fantastic. There is something to be in awe of and the existence of death is one of the things that serve as a reminder of that which is greater than anything we can create or control.
  • Death teaches us to accept our own limitations. The mere existence of death tells us that there are boundaries to what we can do, be and have in life. It also reminds us that all our material gain must be left behind in the end.
  • Death is good for the economy! Alright, this might be stretching it, but think about it. Produce goes bad if left too long in the refrigerator. Flowers die, and we buy new ones. If everything and everyone stayed vibrant, we’d have no need for health-care, garbage collection, tag sales, a cosmetic industry or most plastic surgery. Death is a booming industry!

Much has been written about death. Here are some wonderful quotations about death to contemplate:

If you would like to suggest a topic for a future blog or ask me to address a particular situation or issue, please email me here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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5 Steps To Finding Your Individuality

When it comes to going after what you love in life,
don’t take “NO” for an answer.
— Regina Brett

Much of our stress and dis-ease in life is caused by living a life that does not resonate with our own inner truth. We hide from ourselves and each other in big and little ways each day. We find ourselves blaming and judging other people, our situation or circumstances for our unhappiness, not realizing that its deeper source lies within us. In failing to recognize and honor our own truth, we sacrifice our own well-being. Why do we do this? I’ve noticed that it is usually for one of three reasons — either we sacrifice ourselves to please or support others, to conform to social norms, or we are too afraid of what might happen if we really gave ourselves permission to be fully ourselves.

Having it your way doesn’t mean that we should all be selfish, greedy and self-centered. Rather, it is about being honest and true to ourselves by living life as a reflection of our inner truth. This takes courage and ruthless personal honesty.

Each of us has a unique set of preferences, needs, talents and abilities that affect how we see ourselves in the world and how others see us as well. Among the strongest influences on our identity are our gender, race, family, socioeconomic affiliations, culture, moment in history, etc. No matter how similar we are to another, each of us has our very own unique way. Just as we might prefer to “hold the pickle, hold the lettuce” on our burger, we each have a personal sensibility about many things in life. We might prefer the country to the city or the color turquoise to red. We might have a great voice, tremendous business acumen or parenting skills. Being conscious of your own talents, abilities, preferences and deeply held beliefs and values is the foundation upon which you can build your life your way.

Each of us is an original and can’t be replaced. When we fail to recognize and celebrate who we are, it is a collective as well as a personal loss. The less we live as who we are the less alive we are. Knowing ourselves and what we are capable of contributing is not only personally liberating, but socially responsible as well. This doesn’t mean that we are all meant to be stars. Many of us contribute quietly or to only a small group. The point is to be who we really are and to give our best. Anything less cheats us all.

If you are feeling out of sync with yourself or with the world, the following five steps will help you find your way to living your life your way.

Step 1:  Develop the Willingness and Ability to Recognize Your Own Inner Truth:  Many of us have only a vague sense of what matters to us, yet we are quick to judge anyone who doesn’t agree with us as though the whole world should share our point of view.  It takes time and intention to get below this surface level of encountering life to develop a clear understanding of who we are and what really matters to us so we can live from the inside out.  Paying attention inwardly is essential to really getting to know ourselves.  The truth is we all hear voices in our heads – unfortunately, for many of us the voices of fear, doubt, self-sabotage and judgment often speak the loudest.  Listen for the voice that values you, your skills and abilities and is always there to encourage you on to find the courage and creativity to face whatever life brings your way.  This is the innocent yet powerful voice of your true self.

Step 2:  Develop the Courage and Commitment to Honor and Embrace Your Truth: Once you have come to recognize the voice of your own inner truth, create a routine of checking in at least once a day to see if you are on track.  If you are facing difficult challenges, a lot more inner focus will be required.  Ask yourself questions like: “When was I on course/off course today?”  “What is working for me and what is not?”  “How can I tell the difference?”  Listen and notice if the negative voices try to insert their point of view.  Their ultimate message is always to give up and see yourself as a failure and/or as unworthy of what really matters to you.  It is important to become conscious of what they are saying to you because only then can you do something about it.  Assert your own power by refuting the negative remarks.  Respond to inner negativity by reframing your perspective in a way that you can see your own courage and goodness and build upon that.

Step 3:   Trust Yourself No Matter How Uncharted the Territory:    No matter how long you have been afraid or following someone else’s lead, the opportunity is always there to wake up and get into the driver’s seat in your own life.  If you haven’t done so yet, why not now?  Everything in life involves choices and trade-offs.  No matter how high a mountain of change might look to you, always remember you progress one step at a time and you get to control your pace.  The more you trust yourself and the wisdom of honoring your own truth, the easier it will become to make this your normal way of behaving.

 Step 4:  Give Yourself Permission to Be Happy:  Remember Henry Ford’s famous quote: “If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.”   We die a little each day when we don’t believe that we have the right to live according to what is true for us.  The willingness to be happy gives us the ability to be happy.  Try it!

Step 5: Practice Being the Real You Until it Becomes Your Natural Way of Being:                                                                                                                                           The more authentic we become, the happier we get and happiness that is rooted in truth is a beautiful thing.  Since our lives are reflections of our inner relationship with ourselves, a life built on truth is about as good as it gets.

Celebrate and share the gift of who you really are!

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Enthusiasm: The Fifth Law of Spirit

The beautiful thing about the sequence of the Laws of Spirit is that it so clearly delineates what needs to happen in our hearts and minds to be open to the flow of God’s wisdom, love, grace, and blessings in our lives. Ultimately, it leads us to the fifth Law of Spirit: enthusiasm. In “non-God” terms, enthusiasm is the state of one’s mind and emotions where we are free of personal considerations and open to experience life as it is. Through acceptance, understanding and love it is possible to shift your perspective on whatever person or situation you are dealing with and find yourself in a state of enthusiasm for the perfection of the situation on some level.

In its spiritual interpretation, enthusiasm refers to moving past your mind and emotions to tap into divine energy, or for those who speak in non-God terms, achieving the most clear, pure, open, and free state of consciousness possible, what the Buddhists call “nirvana.” It is an expansion of consciousness beyond the mundane yet evident in how we handle the mundane. It is an expression of those qualities that nurture inner peace, openness, unconditional loving, and awareness of God’s presence in our lives. Enthusiasm is beyond the emotions where every cell of your being is in alignment with what you are doing, you are filled with joy, and synchronicity is familiar territory in your life.

A more common understanding of enthusiasm is that “oh goody, I got what I wanted” feeling — the “I’m so excited I’m getting married,” or “I got a big raise,” or “I got a publishing contract” kind of excitement. Indeed, that is a kind of enthusiasm, but here we are looking at a more profound form — the kind that emanates from your soul.

A great example of enthusiasm came from a reader, Elaine Mansfield, who wrote in regarding last week’s blog on the Fourth Law of Spirit — Love. She described her husband’s way of moving through the last two years of his life with cancer as follows:

Vic was often alarmingly ill and mentally jangled by the medicines and the disease, but decided from the beginning that even though he was too messed up to focus in meditation or study his favorite spiritual teachers, he could be kind to everyone — me, his sons, the nurses, the custodians in the hospital, his students, his doctor. Everyone. As you would expect, he received buckets of love and kindness in return and everyone who helped him get to the other side learned the power of spiritual love and human kindness.

Many people pay lip service to believing in God or a particular spiritual principle. This man demonstrated how to breathe life into his beliefs. What a blessing to all who knew him or hear his story.

Consider if there is a place in your life where you might benefit from some enthusiasm. Ask yourself:

  • What are my deepest beliefs, and how do I live those beliefs?
  • In what area(s) of my life do I play God instead of opening to the divine flow?
  • How might my life be different if I surrendered my willfulness and “won’tfulness?”
  • In what area of my life or in what relationships do I feel out of alignment with my highest self?

I think the human condition makes it pretty difficult to sustain our enthusiasm — unless we are as evolved as the Dalai Lama, who giggles all the time. But it matters in what direction we strive. The quality of our lives depends on it.

Ultimately, enthusiasm is a delightful inner experience that is always available to us. All we have to do is to surrender into it by journeying through the process of acceptance, cooperation, understanding, and love.

I hope you enjoyed this series on the Laws of Spirit and would love to hear your thoughts and comments.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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5 Essentials For Breaking Through Your Negative Thought Patterns

Are you caught in a web of stinking thinking, or are your beliefs the bedrock of your success and happiness? If you want to know why you are happy or not, take a good look at your most fundamental beliefs about yourself. Do you believe that you are the kind of person who is:

  • Worthy and capable of happiness and success?
  • Unlucky in love, life, business, and/or health?
  • In need of proving yourself to others?
  • Blessed with wonderful talents and abilities that you enjoy sharing?

Do you believe that it is someone else’s fault if you are unhappy or not making your dreams come true? Do you run an ongoing inner commentary of your judgments of everyone else and what they do that doesn’t agree with how you imagine you would approach the situation? It is so easy to fall into these traps and not even realize it.

There are five keys to moving out of negative thought patterns and into the territory of greater happiness and success:

  1. Get really fed up. That may be a surprising key, but think about it. Until you are really sick and tired of being sick and tired of how things are going in your life, you are not likely to reach the point of doing anything about it.
  2. Choose to hold yourself accountable. Stop blaming other people and circumstances for your negative thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Embrace the fact that it is not only you who is responsible for what you are currently creating, promoting, and allowing in your life, but you are the only person who has the power to change the direction of your life. Sure, you might be inspired by someone else, but you are the captain of your own ship and will either continue to repeat the same negative patterns on autopilot, make a half-hearted effort to change, or you will one day recognize the power you have to change it all.
  3. Excavate your most fundamental beliefs about yourself. Get intimate with yourself and be ruthlessly honest about how you really feel about yourself. Start with the questions at the beginning of this article and probe deeper with your own inquiries until you are satisfied that you are looking at the truth about how you see yourself.
  4. Change your mind about yourself. I know, easier said than done — but this will not happen without your intention and commitment to set yourself on a healthier and happier course. Do you treat yourself like someone who deserves to be loved, honored, and cherished? If not, why not? How would your life be different if you actually treated yourself in this way?
  5. Be willing to fake it ’til you make it. Change doesn’t happen overnight, and habitual negative patterns of behavior will persist until you stop investing in them. So starve them off and fan the fire of a new and uplifting way of seeing yourself.

Neuroscientists have helped us to understand our freedom and adaptability to changing our individual and collective beliefs and behaviors. Simply put, repetitive thoughts form neural pathways in our brains, as neurons that fire together get wired together. These pathways become like superhighways — the autopilot route traveled. Unless we challenge our thought patterns, they become an unconscious “truth” we live by. The good news is that our brains have the ability to change our synaptic wiring. This “neuroplasticity” enables us to question and change our way of being for better or worse both as individuals and as a society. Use this information to your own advantage by rerouting your superhighways if they aren’t taking you where you want to go.

It is also important to be willing to consider that just because you believe something doesn’t make it true. In reality, most of our beliefs are inherited from other people — parents, religious leaders, teachers, our culture, etc. For example, in my current work to help transform the culture of death in America, I speak and write about the fact that we are taught to fear death and to consider it something that shouldn’t happen. This belief is deeply imbedded in our cultural response to death, and is the cause of much of the pain and suffering experienced in relationship to death. In contrast, those who have achieved some level of existential maturity about the normalcy of death and accept its reality are not only spared the suffering associated with denying and resisting death, but are free to consider other ways of relating to death. For example, they may find life itself sweeter and more precious knowing that time is limited.

Another consideration is the fact that many of the conclusions we reached about ourselves as children or the defense mechanisms we put in place in reaction to those things we couldn’t handle as kids have remained unchallenged autopilot settings of our adult behavior. It is always a good idea to do some spring cleaning in your mind — especially if you are unhappy, feeling hopeless, falling into addictions, or otherwise decreasing your health and vitality. Sometimes you just need to update your software.

Be patient with the process of change. You may have to just keep going deeper until you get to the real root of why you believe what you do. Many years ago, I worked with a woman who was always blaming and judging others for her constant state of depression and misery. Other people, and especially her “friends,” were perpetual sources of disappointment for her. They never seemed to measure up to her ideal of how they “should” behave, which was of course how she would do things — “the right way.” She had no tolerance or appreciation for the nuances of life. Everything was either “right” or “wrong.” Ironically, those behaviors she disapproved of were always where she was placing her focus and expending her energy in resistance and judgment. No wonder she was always so disappointed, disapproving, and disconnected until she finally learned to hold herself accountable for her unhappiness.

It can be humbling to admit our own culpability for our unhappiness, but it’s the only path to personal liberation. Greater happiness awaits — so eat a little humble pie and get on with it! You have the power to believe your heart’s desires into existence.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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Cooperation: The Second Law of Spirit

Cooperation, the second law of spirit, is the proverbial wisdom of making lemonade when you have lemons. You might have been in the mood for ginger ale, but what you have is lemons. So either you go to where the ginger ale is and fulfill that desire, or you stay where you are and make the best darn lemonade you ever had. The key to cooperation is working with what is present rather than working against it with negative expressions of dissatisfaction, judgment, denial, and resistance.

When you encounter a situation and find yourself interpreting it as a matter of someone else hurting you or the situation being unfair to you in some way, try to find the space between the situation and your understanding of it. From that position of neutrality, consider the possibility that you are misreading the situation and that your suffering is a result of that rather than the situation itself. Life happens. Sometimes we like it and sometimes we don’t. When we suffer, it is usually because we are not accepting the situation (the first law of spirit) and therefore cannot move on to cooperating with it. Cooperation is only an option when you are in a state of acceptance. Rather than thinking the other person should change their point of view, consider expanding your perspective so that it is larger than your hurt. See if you can look with compassion at those involved with you and yourself and recognize that you are all doing the best you can and sometimes we bump into each other in unpleasant ways. Cooperation is about responding to those situations in a kind and responsible way for the highest good of all concerned. And that’s not always easy.

Did you ever notice how much easier it is to cooperate with something you like than something you don’t? Yet, even in our enthusiasm, we can sometimes go off the deep end and be out of sync with others involved in the situation. Cooperation is something you do inside yourself, not something you demand or expect from others. It is about achieving balance inside of you and acting from that place.

The key to cooperation is to be of good cheer (or get to good cheer as soon as you can) and to go with the flow of whatever circumstances you find yourself in. Does this mean being passive? Absolutely not! Quite the contrary. It means being fully conscious and responsible for the choices you make and the impact of your behavior on yourself and others.

Consider the following situation I found myself in recently. For two weeks I had been trying to get an appointment with my hairdresser. She offered me a date when I had another commitment, and we went back and forth on emails to no avail. She kept giving me reasons why she couldn’t accommodate me and no options for when she could. I was not of good cheer when I wrote back letting her know that as a client for over 15 years, I was not pleased. I asked if perhaps I was failing to pick up on a hint that I should be looking for a new hairdresser. Her answer, still offering no appointment times, simply said that I wasn’t alone in not being able to get an appointment. Clearly I was getting nowhere with her, and was moving farther and farther away from my good cheer. In anger, I contemplated calling my previous hairdresser. Then I caught myself. I was neither accepting the situation nor cooperating with it. No wonder I was angry! So I ate a little humble pie and admitted to myself that it was neither the situation nor my hairdresser that was responsible for my distress. I caused that all by myself! I forgave myself for getting caught up in this state of affairs and chose to find my way out by first establishing acceptance inside myself. The facts were simple — I wanted an appointment and my hairdresser was unable to accommodate me. Instead of getting mad about it and making her wrong, I decided to look at my options. My hair looked awful and I was going on a trip and needed the psychological lift of an overdue good haircut. Besides, it is wedding season and I need my hair to look good for officiating wedding ceremonies. As I thought this through, I noticed that my anger was gone. I was able to see that it was the cut, not the color, that was most needed. So, I did make an appointment with my previous hairdresser, who happens to also be a friend, and she gave me the haircut I’ve been wanting for months. Then I returned from my trip and found an email from my regular hairdresser to have my hair colored the next day. Pretty good, huh?

Things seem to have a way of working out when we are not spewing forth a lot of negative thoughts, behaviors, and energy. So next time you find yourself resisting your reality, see if you can step free of your point of view and observe the situation from a position of neutrality. All kinds of possibilities and opportunities are visible from an impartial stance that are imperceptible from a biased point of view.

One of the most beautiful things about cooperation is that it allows others to have their needs met as well. That means there can be multiple winners and no one has to lose. In the example of my need for a haircut, I got a great cut, my usual hairdresser got me off her back, and my previous hairdresser got the satisfaction of giving me a great cut and we had the opportunity to spend some time together in our busy lives. That’s a lot of winning. So, next time you get caught in a situation where you are hurt and unhappy, look for a pathway out of it that leads to as much winning as possible for all concerned.

I hope you will tune in next week for the third law of spirit — understanding. Until then, I look forward to your responses and reactions to this piece.

Cooperation, the second law of spirit, is the proverbial wisdom of making lemonade when you have lemons. You might have been in the mood for ginger ale, but what you have is lemons. So either you go to where the ginger ale is and fulfill that desire, or you stay where you are and make the best darn lemonade you ever had. The key to cooperation is working with what is present rather than working against it with negative expressions of dissatisfaction, judgment, denial, and resistance.

When you encounter a situation and find yourself interpreting it as a matter of someone else hurting you or the situation being unfair to you in some way, try to find the space between the situation and your understanding of it. From that position of neutrality, consider the possibility that you are misreading the situation and that your suffering is a result of that rather than the situation itself. Life happens. Sometimes we like it and sometimes we don’t. When we suffer, it is usually because we are not accepting the situation (the first law of spirit) and therefore cannot move on to cooperating with it. Cooperation is only an option when you are in a state of acceptance. Rather than thinking the other person should change their point of view, consider expanding your perspective so that it is larger than your hurt. See if you can look with compassion at those involved with you and yourself and recognize that you are all doing the best you can and sometimes we bump into each other in unpleasant ways. Cooperation is about responding to those situations in a kind and responsible way for the highest good of all concerned. And that’s not always easy.

Did you ever notice how much easier it is to cooperate with something you like than something you don’t? Yet, even in our enthusiasm, we can sometimes go off the deep end and be out of sync with others involved in the situation. Cooperation is something you do inside yourself, not something you demand or expect from others. It is about achieving balance inside of you and acting from that place.

The key to cooperation is to be of good cheer (or get to good cheer as soon as you can) and to go with the flow of whatever circumstances you find yourself in. Does this mean being passive? Absolutely not! Quite the contrary. It means being fully conscious and responsible for the choices you make and the impact of your behavior on yourself and others.

Consider the following situation I found myself in recently. For two weeks I had been trying to get an appointment with my hairdresser. She offered me a date when I had another commitment, and we went back and forth on emails to no avail. She kept giving me reasons why she couldn’t accommodate me and no options for when she could. I was not of good cheer when I wrote back letting her know that as a client for over 15 years, I was not pleased. I asked if perhaps I was failing to pick up on a hint that I should be looking for a new hairdresser. Her answer, still offering no appointment times, simply said that I wasn’t alone in not being able to get an appointment. Clearly I was getting nowhere with her, and was moving farther and farther away from my good cheer. In anger, I contemplated calling my previous hairdresser. Then I caught myself. I was neither accepting the situation nor cooperating with it. No wonder I was angry! So I ate a little humble pie and admitted to myself that it was neither the situation nor my hairdresser that was responsible for my distress. I caused that all by myself! I forgave myself for getting caught up in this state of affairs and chose to find my way out by first establishing acceptance inside myself. The facts were simple — I wanted an appointment and my hairdresser was unable to accommodate me. Instead of getting mad about it and making her wrong, I decided to look at my options. My hair looked awful and I was going on a trip and needed the psychological lift of an overdue good haircut. Besides, it is wedding season and I need my hair to look good for officiating wedding ceremonies. As I thought this through, I noticed that my anger was gone. I was able to see that it was the cut, not the color, that was most needed. So, I did make an appointment with my previous hairdresser, who happens to also be a friend, and she gave me the haircut I’ve been wanting for months. Then I returned from my trip and found an email from my regular hairdresser to have my hair colored the next day. Pretty good, huh?

Things seem to have a way of working out when we are not spewing forth a lot of negative thoughts, behaviors, and energy. So next time you find yourself resisting your reality, see if you can step free of your point of view and observe the situation from a position of neutrality. All kinds of possibilities and opportunities are visible from an impartial stance that are imperceptible from a biased point of view.

One of the most beautiful things about cooperation is that it allows others to have their needs met as well. That means there can be multiple winners and no one has to lose. In the example of my need for a haircut, I got a great cut, my usual hairdresser got me off her back, and my previous hairdresser got the satisfaction of giving me a great cut and we had the opportunity to spend some time together in our busy lives. That’s a lot of winning. So, next time you get caught in a situation where you are hurt and unhappy, look for a pathway out of it that leads to as much winning as possible for all concerned.

I hope you will tune in next week for the third law of spirit — understanding. Until then, I look forward to your responses and reactions to this piece.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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Acceptance: The First Law of Spirit

Just as there are laws of the physical universe such as Newton’s laws of gravitation and motion, there are five sequential rules that govern spiritual consciousness. They are acceptance, cooperation, understanding, loving, and enthusiasm. Each one is a doorway to the next. Our awareness of the presence of spirit in our lives is governed by these five laws. As we become able to comprehend and align ourselves with them, we gain access to the treasures they guard.

I think of spiritual consciousness as our ability to know our divine nature and to let that inform how we function in our lives. No matter what one’s beliefs are regarding God, spirituality, or religion, the laws of spirit represent a passageway to mental and emotional freedom. When we do not work in cooperation with these laws, our consciousness typically operates in a reactive mode to external conditions — perceiving ourselves to be victims or winners in the game of life.

The first law of spirit, or stepping stone along this path to freedom, is acceptance. Real acceptance is not for wimps, nor is it a wishy-washy passive way of making do with whatever is present. It is not a “whatever” attitude of resignation either. Acceptance is a conscious choice to drop all forms of resistance to whatever has come present in the moment and making the most of it. Acceptance isn’t about liking or approving of something. It is about letting life flow and unfold without getting in the way. It is about being receptive rather than exerting resistance to what comes present. Instead of focusing on the past or the future or wanting things to be different than they are, we open to what is true in the moment. This absence of “againstness” allows us to engage our reality in such a way that we can learn from it and strengthen our ability to function in this world.

For many of us, our first impulse is to resist something that we do not like that comes our way. Acceptance requires overriding this impulse and choosing to breathe into and through the experience, trusting that it has value that is for us and not against us. The truth of the matter is that resistance prolongs the negative experience, and acceptance allows for the possibility of changing our experiences by changing our attitudes.

Consider the bride who had her heart so set on having an outdoor wedding that she didn’t make a solid plan B in case of inclement weather. As her wedding day arrived, the storm clouds were rolling in and the forecast was not promising. She was the one who would make the final judgment call about whether or not to move the ceremony indoors. She woke up worrying about the weather, and was distracted by her concerns throughout the entire day leading up to her 6 p.m. ceremony. She missed out on all the available joy and excitement of spending her wedding day with her bridal party. She didn’t realize that while the impending storm was out of her control, the internal weather in her heart and mind was entirely up to her. Instead of deciding to play it safe and give her team time to set up the ceremony indoors, she waited until the very last minute. Finally, I went to encourage her to move the ceremony indoors. She was sitting there sobbing in her wedding dress, with makeup dripping down her stubborn face. Just then, the sky blackened and there was a torrential downpour. All the chairs were soaked, the guests ran for cover in a panic and the staff was out in the rain gathering the chairs, whisking them into the reception tent, toweling them dry while sliding over the wet and treacherous floor. Imagine how different this bride’s day would have been if she had been able to accept that she had no control over the weather.

Here are two things to watch out for next time you have preconceived notions about how you want things to be and then reality presents you with something very different:

  1. If you hold on to your desire, you create a mental and emotional tension between your desire and reality. The distance between the two will be connected by a stream of negative emotions. Alternatively, if you choose to accept reality, all that energy that would have been spinning around in negativity can be invested in figuring out how to make the best of your situation.
  2. As in the example of the bride described above, no amount of wishful thinking or attachment to a desired outcome makes it any more probable than it is. Consider only truly viable alternatives. If there is a 70 percent chance of rain, attaching yourself to the idea of sunshine merely sets you up for unhappiness and blinds you from seeing, appreciating, and investing in the real options that are available to you.

Ultimately, acceptance is about trusting yourself to rise to whatever occasion presents itself to you. It is about being open to ALL of life, knowing that it all has value whether you like it or not.

Here are two of my favorite quotes on the subject of acceptance:

The reason more of us are not spiritually aware people is that we often don’t or won’t accept what is happening. Acceptance is a flow of consciousness that continually moves on to the next thing.

So accept whatever comes your way, and don’t grumble against anything that happens to you. If it happens, it happens. Go on about your business. Keep flowing. You cannot control circumstances from the outside, so instead of resisting pain or failure and defending against it, you can embrace and encompass your pain and your failures, fully accepting them so that they become part of you.

You then can let them go because they are part of your inner environment — they are within your domain — and the loving of your Soul can dissolve them. — John-Roger

Accept — then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it … This will miraculously transform your whole life. — Eckhart Tolle

I look forward to your responses and reactions to this piece.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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3 Steps to Turning Pain Into Progress

Suffering is a valuable thing. Enjoy your life without rejecting problems or suffering…

The trick is knowing how to accept discomfort without being caught by it.

– Suzuki Rochi

One of the quickest ways to improve the quality of your mental and emotional experience is to learn how to effectively handle pain and suffering. The bad news is pain and suffering is a fact of life. From petty disturbances to major heartbreaks, we all get our fair share of life’s annoyances, disappointments and tragedies. The good news is that learning how to master these experiences can significantly improve your quality of life inside of yourself.

No matter how you respond to pain and suffering, you will get more. The goal is not to eliminate it, but to figure out how to use it as a stepping stone into something better. Since the days of the cavemen, humans have been hardwired to resist and pull away from pain — a great strategy to avoid getting eaten by a saber-tooth tiger. However, this autopilot response no longer serves us and needs to be rewired.

Nowadays, most of our suffering occurs in response to the frustrations and disappointments of everyday life, like standing in long lines, being caught in traffic or not getting the promotion you wanted. The scale of our mental and emotional suffering can escalate to being the victim of starvation, violence or terrorism. However, most of us don’t experience that. The height of our suffering might be heartbreak over the end of a marriage or the death of a loved one.

Consider what happens when you automatically respond to negativity with resistance. It’s like duct taping yourself to the source of irritation. What you resist persists because you are focusing upon it and thus giving it your attention and energy — you are fueling the fire. This is equally true whether you are escalating your irritation over a traffic jam or caught in endless sorrow over the loss of a loved one. In both cases, you are attaching yourself to the source of your distress and not integrating the experience. I am not suggesting that one should “get over it” when a loved one dies. Grief has a natural life of its own. However, sometimes people are unable to move on.

There are three steps to mastering your experiences of pain and suffering. The first is to notice what your instinctive response is when negativity comes up inside of us. Rather than focusing on the source of your distress, pay attention to your response to it. Do you try to dissipate the energy by exploding — for example, blaming and judging others? Or do you implode? Do you silently suffer as you stuff the distress back down inside of yourself through addictive behaviors like compulsive eating, or drinking or spending? Pay attention. Observe your own pattern of response.

The second step is to breathe into the experience of pain and suffering. Build your tolerance so you can stay present in the moment. This will give you the opportunity to buy a little time to make different choices. Instead of unconsciously doing what you have always done, study your patterns, lean into them, get intimately familiar with the sequence of events that cause a minor disturbance to escalate into a learned response and then a repetitive pattern and so on. How do you do it? How do you go from being just fine to being in a rage or falling into a depression? Does your energy cycle up and out or in and down?

The third thing is to do something different. You might wonder why not just do that first? The reason is that the first two steps are what create your willingness and ability to change your behavior. You have to first know where you are and that you don’t want to stay there before you are going to effectively and creatively find and build other responses to the negativity in your life. You need to develop response strategies that lift you up rather than swirling you into a rage or a downward spiral.

Let’s use the example of being stuck in traffic. Some people have so little control over their mental and emotional behavior that they allow this irritation to escalate into road rage. It goes something like this: “Not this again. I’m sick and tired of this. I wish these people would just get out of my way. Look at that idiot.” And so on. The energy spins and feeds on itself and the driver probably experiences an elevation of blood pressure. Here’s the alternative:

Step One — Notice Your Response: “Whoops, here I go again. I hate this traffic.”

Step Two — Lean Into Your Experience: “Every day it’s the same thing. As soon as I get to Route 92, I’m in for at least a 20 minute delay and I get hot under the collar. It shouldn’t be this way. I don’t like this. I feel trapped.”

Step Three — Do Something Different: “When I get home, I’m going to see if I can find another route home. For now, I’m going to think about where I would like to go for vacation this year. Let’s see … Tuscany? The Bahamas?”

This three step process may be a little less obvious with an experience that spreads out over time like the loss of a loved one. However, it works the same way. In order to change your response, you must first notice what your pattern of response actually is, then breathe into it and really take ownership of what you are doing. Finally, intentionally try something different.

With practice, you will find yourself mastering the art of recovering faster with less drainage of your energy and less creation of negativity. See how fast you can get back in balance with yourself. This is not a game of pretending nothing ever happened. Rather, it is a matter of developing the art of recovery.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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8 Guidelines for Communicating With Doctors

When going to a doctor’s appointment, just showing up is not enough. There are things you can do to support yourself in getting maximum value from the visit. Many people see doctors as experts who are going to fix them and therefore give over all sense of personal responsibility, waiting to be told what to do. The optimum visit is a dialogue between two experts — don’t forget that you are the expert at living in your body!

Here are guidelines for creating more productive visits with doctors.

1. Be Clear About Your Reasons For Seeing The Doctor When Making The Appointment: They need to know the severity and urgency of your complaint to determine when to schedule the appointment and how much time to allow. What you might dismiss as minor may be a red flag of a potentially serious problem. Conversely, something causing you serious discomfort may require time to heal rather than medical intervention and therefore not be seen as urgent by the doctor.

2. Come Prepared And On Time: It’s a great idea to maintain a notebook or computer file where you keep track of your medical history. Then, when you come to the doctor, bring an up-to-date copy of your medical history and a list of your medications (both prescription and over-the-counter) and any natural remedies, treatments or other therapies you are using. If you are seeing other doctors/health practitioners about your symptoms/diagnosis, be sure to bring relevant materials from them as well as your own notes. Consider typing up a list of your questions and concerns for the doctor to help insure that all your needs are addressed. Be sure to leave space on your list to take notes during the appointment including keeping track of follow-up actions.

Many doctors chronically run late for their appointments. Arrive on time anyway in the event that they are running on schedule. If the doctor is late, consider the fact that it is probably because someone else is getting the help they need. Bring your own reading material and carry it with you throughout your appointment. If you work yourself up into a tizzy over the delay, you are likely to be less effective getting your own needs met during your appointment.

3. Be Specific And Factual About Your Concerns/Symptoms: Prioritize your concerns and share them with your doctor at the beginning of your appointment. Ask to address what concerns you most first. If reporting a new problem, describe the frequency, duration, location and severity of your symptoms as well as what makes it better or worse, any treatments you have tried so far and with what response. Also mention any relevant family history.

4. Get Right To The Point: Don’t beat around the bush. Stay focused on the issue at hand. Try not to ramble or go off topic or to get too emotional if you can help it. If you have a friendly rapport with your doctor, handle your business first and then you can chit chat later if time permits.

5. Be Assertive And Ask For What You Want And Need: Sometimes doctors forget their manners, aren’t listening to you or answering your questions to your satisfaction. Let them know how they are failing to meet your needs. You are paying for their time and deserve their undivided attention. If the doctor seems distracted or is rushing you, express your concern in a positive way. For example, you might say, “I know you are busy, but I really need you to help me understand what is going on with my body.” Getting mad usually doesn’t help — but giving honest and clear feedback usually does.

6. Ask For Further Explanation If You Disagree Or Don’t Understand: Your job is to give the doctor information and feedback. So, do that. Let them know if you don’t follow what they are saying or have a different point of view that you want them to consider. Remember this is a dialogue between two experts.

7. If You Want Your Doctor’s Opinion About A New Drug Or Procedure You Heard About, Ask How It Applies To You: You may not like or agree with your doctor’s point of view but should certainly take it into account in any decisions you make. You can always ask for more of an explanation or consult other doctors, but at some point you need to make an informed decision.

8. Summarize And Be Sure You Understand The Follow-up Prescribed: Columbia University women’s health expert Marianne Legato, MD, suggests you leave the appointment with an understanding of why the doctor thinks you have the symptoms or condition you are experiencing; what lab tests he or she is ordering and why, the doctor’s plan for contacting you about the results and a plan for easing your symptoms. Don’t leave with unanswered questions or confusion. Make sure that you have captured everything in your notes.

Remember, doctors are experts we consult about our health, but ultimately we are left to make our own decisions about what advice, prescriptions and protocols we follow and which we don’t. Take good care of yourself.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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Paying Mind to Selective Attention

Did you ever notice how some things really grab your attention but not the attention of others? Or how you edit out the background noise in a bustling restaurant when you want to hear what someone at your table is saying? That’s selective attention. Both consciously and unconsciously, we edit our environment and pay attention to some things while ignoring others. With the increasing bombardment of stimuli we deal with each day, this capability becomes more and more important to us to sort out what matters to us and what doesn’t. On the other hand, sometimes we edit out very important and useful information.

I thought of this the other day when I saw a chipmunk determined to cross the road. In front of him were four busy lanes of traffic and a huge parking lot. Behind him was an enormous lush field. What was he thinking? What did he imagine was more desirable in the road and parking lot than in the field? I still wonder what happened to that chipmunk.

This got me thinking. How often do I do that to myself? How often do I set my mind on doing, being or having something and ignore all other possibilities that might help me make a more informed decision? Just because I think something, doesn’t make it so, nor is it necessarily a good idea.

It’s very easy to assume our point of view is a perfect match to reality. Unfortunately, anyone with a different opinion or any conflicting information available to us gets either rejected or ignored because it doesn’t fit our picture. This process of selective attention operates both automatically and consciously, but doesn’t always serve our best interest — like the chipmunk above.

Experts in the field of psychology and psychiatry hotly debate the question of how and why we select to pay attention to some things and not others. They also disagree about the degree to which this editing process is conscious. Typically, we filter out what we deem to be unnecessary or unimportant without being aware of the fact that we are exercising this filtering process. As a result, what we think is not necessarily so. It is simply a result of our beliefs, prior experiences, the arousal of our senses and other factors that play a role in our editing function.

Extreme problems with the selective attention function are evident in individuals with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) who have difficulty focusing their attention, while those with Autism flood their senses by paying attention to too much at once. Then there are the rest of us. Consider, for example, teenagers who selectively do not pay attention to parents who repeatedly try to get them to do their chores. Or, the woman who ignores the warning signs of abuse from her partner because she doesn’t want that to be true. Or the endless party politics where each side tries to outshout the other with their talking points, never really listening to opposing views.

The advertising industry is built on selective attention. Look at my product! Look at this beautiful model and buy into the illusion that you too will look this great if you buy my product!

In observing my own behavior, I notice that my selective attention really supports me well when I am writing and able to edit out all distractions except my cats — but they delight me so I don’t want to change that. I notice I am very task-oriented. When I choose to do something, I focus my attention on it and get it done. On the other hand, sometimes my attention is non-selective. For example, during meditation when I have difficulty shutting off my mind. Also, when I go shopping, I don’t always selectively attend to my shopping list. I give myself too much freedom to be distracted and seduced by non-essential purchases.

Selective attention, while often unconscious, is a powerful tool when exercised consciously. It can work for us or against us depending on the situation. Here are some suggestions about how to hone your selective attention skills so that you can use them more to your advantage:

Do a selective attention audit on yourself:

  • When do you see selective attention working for you and when does it get in your way?
  • Notice how often you choose to ignore warning signs or negative implications and why.
  • Notice when you are talking with someone, whether you focus your attention on the conversation, zone out or divert your attention elsewhere.
  • When multi-tasking are you aware of where you are placing your attention or is it simply fragmented?
  • When making a purchase do you make it a point to look at both the pros and the cons or just talk yourself into the purchase by only focusing on the positives?
  • Who do you choose to listen to and who do you choose to ignore and why?
  • Do you notice any differences between how you pay attention to people and things that you like versus those you don’t?

Practice using your selective attention to better advantage:

  • Choose one area of your life where you tend to get distracted and practice intentionally holding your focus where you want it to be.
  • Observe yourself in an area where selective attention works for you and notice how you do that. Then see where you can apply that elsewhere in your life.

We are selectively focusing our attention all the time. The real question is how aware of it are we? The more conscious we are of this process, the more opportunities we have to direct our attention to our advantage.

I welcome your comments.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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