Do You Feel Like You’re On The Outside Looking In?

One theme I have noticed with many of my mentoring clients is the feeling of being on the outside looking in. This might be how they feel in a particular social situation such as with their family, at work, or with a particular group of friends. For some, it is what they repeatedly experience. For many, this began during school days and has been with them throughout their lives.

The isolation and devastation of feeling like you are the only one who doesn’t belong or fit in can overshadow all else in one’s life. It can become a repetitive self-fulfilling process.

It’s a pervasive experience of wanting to be on the inside, but standing alone watching others being connected to each other. Some believe they have been selectively and intentionally left out.

I remember feeling trapped in this position in high school. The “in crowd” seemed to really be having a fabulous time. I watched from the periphery wondering what was wrong with me that I didn’t authentically want to be doing what they were doing. And, why didn’t it matter to them whether I was part of the group or not?

I wanted the fun they were having, but I knew that I would have to fake it to be a part of the group. I wasn’t good at that.

I wanted them to want me. I knew that forcing or inserting myself into their activities wouldn’t accomplish that.

Feelings of not fitting in, not being chosen, and just not belonging anywhere dominated my experiences in high school.

As life marched on, I noticed myself experiencing this outsider phenomenon repeatedly. It was my norm in social situations until I started to take a good look at it. I noticed a few important things that became my opportunity to break free. And, eventually I began to help others to do so as well. Here are some keys to moving away from the experience of being the outsider looking in:

Observe your experience, but don’t make it wrong.

It’s easy to fall into the false assumption that because they are having fun and you aren’t that “they are right and therefore you are wrong.” That’s a dead end proclamation. It robs you of the opportunity to consider other possibilities. That’s why observation rather than judgment is so important.

Our negative feelings are feedback to us of being out of balance inside. They are not cause for judgment of ourselves or others. Observation leads to neutral conclusions that allow us to explore our options.

Neutral observations might look like “I want to have fun. Standing here watching them is not fun for me. What else might I do to have the experience I am looking for? What is fun for me? What would be more fun for me than standing here watching them have fun?”

It stands to reason that if you put your hand over a burning flame, it hurts and the healthy response is to move your hand away and learn not to do that again. So, apply that logic here.

Look Inward, Not Outward.

When you find yourself distressed watching others seemingly having a good time, notice that you are doing that. You are creating that perception and reaction inside of you. Choose to look at that inner process of creation rather than outward at what others are doing.

Work with the information in a healthier way by using it to explore the resonance within you that your feelings are tapping into. Is this current experience tapping into some unresolved hurt from the past? If so, take a look at that and see if you can make peace with it. Seek understanding and healing of any past disturbances so you can be free and healthy in encountering new experiences.

Consider the Possibility That You Are Creating a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

If you keep having this same experience, consider the fact that it is a matter of faulty perception. When you repeatedly make yourself wrong each time you encounter the feeling of being disconnected from others, you simply pile on more bad feelings on top of old, unresolved feelings.

The pain gets bigger and bigger because each encounter touches into a mother load of unresolved feelings you carry around you. Convinced that you are “right” in your interpretation of being “wrong” (having never considered an alternative) makes your perspective a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Pay Attention to What Works for You and What Doesn’t

Keep paying attention to your inner experiences. Notice how you perceive and react to outer situations. Do you see patterns? Create more of what works for you. And, get to work on dismantling repetitive negative patterns of perception and behavior. That’s called mastering the art of living. It will bring you much more fulfillment, joy, and satisfaction. Lovingly attend to your own sense of imbalance.

Look Elsewhere.

Explore what other options are available to you. Stop wanting to be part of something that doesn’t make you happy. If the shoe doesn’t fit, try on a different shoe. Go for what fits, not for what you wish would fit, but doesn’t.

Go for the feeling and experience you are looking for, don’t demand the conditions under which those feelings will manifest. Be committed to finding your own form of happiness where you fit in and feel good about yourself. Don’t settle for anything less.

Live inside your own experience. Honor your own truth. Trust that you belong in this world just the way you are. Love yourself madly and deeply!

***

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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Are You Suffering Unnecessarily?

Do you often find yourself saying “It isn’t fair” or thinking you have more than your share of suffering?

Do you play the story of “what happened to you” over and over in your mind like a hamster running in his wheel?

Consider the possibility that there IS something you can do about that.The place to start is by distinguishing between unavoidable suffering which is a necessary part of life and the kind of suffering we create for ourselves.

“Necessary suffering” seems like a strange concept to most people. But, consider the fact that no one gets to escape some form of pain in response to the trials and tribulations of life.

  • You fall and skin your knee – ouch!
  • A friend lets you down or disappoints you in some significant way – sadness.
  • Someone you love and treasure dies – deep grief.

A certain amount of suffering comes with the territory of being alive. If we are lucky, we learn to use these experiences as steppingstones to greater wisdom and understanding. They also have a way of getting us to draw closer to one another. We instinctively comfort one another in ways that are deeper and less common than we find in everyday life.

The unnecessary kind of suffering, according to psycho-spiritual teacher, Robert Augustus Masters, is a direct result of the stories we tell ourselves about our painful experiences. Some people obsess about their suffering. Their tales of woe become a constant irritant, like a stone in your shoe that you don’t realize you can remove.

Portia was a client of mine. I don’t think she ever made it through a session without needing to recite the litany of trials and tribulations she had faced in her life. Suffering had become her central identity. She didn’t know herself without her suffering. She kept it alive in the present by talking about it all the time like a broken record. When I attempted to show her what she was doing and invited her into the process of releasing her attachment to suffering, she left. She interpreted that as my not being supportive enough of her.

We cause ourselves to suffer more than we need to. Our distress is intensified by focusing our attention on feeling and reliving the pain again and again.

Ironically, we minimize our suffering by facing it, entering into the pain that comes our way, and moving through it.

A great example of necessary and unnecessary pain can be seen in the contrast between two ways a woman might experience giving birth. One woman actively works with her breath to move through the pain of her labor. Another is busy resisting her pain and screaming about how much it hurts.

The path through our pain is to accept its presence rather than to resist it by trying to get away from it.

Ironically, we create unnecessary pain by the very act of resisting pain. In other words, through resistance, we focus upon our pain, draw it to ourselves, and attach ourselves to it.

Our point of view – our attitude toward suffering makes all the difference in terms of how much we suffer.

In a TED Talk, BJ Miller referred to perspective as “that kind of alchemy we humans get to play with, turning anguish into a flower.”

So, next time you start throwing a pity party for yourself, change your point of view so you can change your experience. Try one of these methods:

1. Expand your perspective to entertain the good news that is coming with the bad. In other words, appreciate the half full part of the glass you are only seeing as half empty. My friend, Barbara Sarah, founded the Oncology Support Program at HealthAlliance of the Hudson Valley in Kingston, NY. She shared with me a list that one of her students in a Constructive Living program made. It was a growing list identifying all the people who she was grateful to for helping her care for her hospitalized husband. 105 people and counting! As the list grew, so did her gratitude to these people. The list included such people as:

  • the person who supplies the “lollipop” mouth moisturizers
  • the pre-admission secretary who greets you and sets up your test schedule
  • a gardener who cares for all the plants in the public areas
  • the staff who buzz you in the surgical ICU

When we are encountering life’s challenges, it is important to acknowledge that our glass is not only half empty. It is simultaneously half full. So make a list of all the things in your life that are also true blessings while you are suffering. See if you don’t find yourself becoming so grateful that you forget a bit about your pain. This is about finding and restoring balance inside yourself.

2. Give yourself a deadline to finish your pity party. Give yourself 5-10 minutes or three hours to really get into all your complaints and suffering. Exaggerate the immensity of your pain and feel really sorry for yourself until the timer goes off. Then, choose to shift your focus onto doing something really thoughtful or supportive for yourself or someone else. Don’t allow yourself to start grabbing onto your pain again. If it hurts, breathe into it and keep going. Ask yourself, “Is there anything constructive I need to do about my pain?” If the answer is “yes” then do that, if it is “no” then make the choice to place your focus elsewhere.

3. Pray for your highest good. Prayer, in its highest form, is about trust and laying down your burdens. It is a surrendering to that which is beyond our comprehension. This kind of prayer is beyond personal preferences or judgments of what “should” or “shouldn’t” be happening. It acknowledges that there are forces present in our lives that are beyond our understanding. By praying for the highest good, we appeal to the benevolence of whatever forces are at work in our lives. We surrender our burdens to these forces. In other words, we acknowledge that what will happen is beyond our control. We accept that and go on about our business of living the best we can.

4. Decide to make fabulous lemonade out of your lemons. My spiritual teacher, John-Roger always advised using everything for our upliftment, learning, and growth. That advise has served me very well in the hardest of times. This is a matter of choice. We have the option of shifting the message we send ourselves about our suffering from “poor me, this is terrible” to “I wonder how I can work with this to lift myself up, to learn, and to grow.”

The bottom line is we have far more power over the degree of our suffering than most of us imagine. When we stop accentuating the negative, we make more room for better options to be the focus of our attention.

 

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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How to Maintain Your Inner Well-Being – Part 2

Did you know that your brain gives preference to visual information?

Researchers L.D. Rosenblum, Harold Stolovitch, and Erica Keeps refer to our senses as learning portals. They offer the following statistics regarding the percentage of data processed by each of our five senses:

Sight (both through our eyes and unconscious visual perception) accounts for an estimated 83% of the information we process.  Another 11.0% comes through hearing, 3.5% through smell, 1.5% through touch, and the remaining 1.0% through taste.

Why is this significant?

By design, our eyes focus our attention outward. The fact that the vast majority of our sensory data is visual therefore predisposes us to an external frame of reference that focuses on the physical world.

Unaware that we are “seeing” the projection of an internally-filtered reality, we misinterpret our perceptions of reality to be reality itself. Consider the heated arguments between individuals of opposing political points of view. Each sees a different reality and believes that they are “right” and those on the other side of the aisle are “wrong.”

Until we become aware of how our internal data processing determines the reality we perceive, we think we are reacting to an external reality, rather than determining what that reality appears to be.

For most of us, our socialization includes indoctrination into a binary model of consciousness. In other words, we are taught to sort people and experiences into right/wrong, good/bad, beautiful/ugly, desirable/undesirable and so on. In fact, life is far more complex and messy than that.

Learned biases and preferences short-circuit the process of developing curiosity about those differences that we are taught to reject. There is a built-in bias against diversity in this way of encountering unfamiliar people and experiences. Therefore, diversity requires a new way of perceiving beyond our autopilot right/wrong sorting process.

In a binary approach, there are only two choices. That means if we encounter someone who is different, we can’t both be “right” or “OK.” As a result, we develop very narrow tolerances for differences, rather than nurturing our curiosity and openness to all kinds of people and experiences.

Would you like to know the best way to tame your inclination to judge anyone who is different than you or any experience you don’t like? It’s to become really curious and to call upon your inner detective. When we are quick to judge, we shut ourselves down. We also close ourselves off from additional information available to us. Our myopic view blinds us from alternative ways of seeing ourselves, the other person, and the situation itself.

When we become curious, we open ourselves up and draw ourselves closer to those we don’t understand rather than shutting them out or pushing them away.

 By about the age of five or six, we have the foundation of our self-image in place and we begin to unconsciously protect, conceal, or improve our image of ourselves and to become competitive with the self-images of others. We spend most of our time focused outward through our self-image as we negotiate and navigate our way through the world and relate to the imagined self-images being projected by others.

We learn to live in a world that is a collective figment of our imaginations in which we attempt to defend and elevate our status relative to that of others.

We selectively see things that support our existing beliefs and filter out things that do not agree with our way of seeing things.

Another paradox of our visual orientation is that it makes it very difficult for us to verify and trust the existence of non-physical reality. This is the territory of self-knowledge, intuition, and spiritual awareness.

It is interesting to note that when physical things come into being we refer to them as being born. When we refer to entering or increasing spiritual awareness, we call it awakening. We become aware of something that already exists. In physical form, we exist as separate beings. Spiritually, we exist within oneness. It is our mind and emotions that have separated us.

Paying attention to non-physical reality is a bit like being a salmon swimming upstream against the current. It requires an intentional redirection of our focus. To turn inward, we must engage in a more intimate relationship with ourselves. To awaken ourselves spiritually require a different state of mind.

The external orientation of our attention, coupled with the bombardment of unconscious sensory data, makes it extremely difficult to awaken our spiritual awareness. It requires a different state of consciousness to comprehend that we are at once one and the same. We are both singular and separate.

Learning how to become more conscious of our own unique data sorting process is essential to mastering the art of being who we authentically are.

Spiritual awakening involves consciously and intentionally developing our ability to override our usual way of being and perceiving. It requires looking within rather than being drawn to an external focus by the dominance of visual sensory input we are receiving. It means cultivating a non-judgmental perspective towards differences and an awareness of a level upon which we are all the same.

This requires cultivation of a childlike curiosity rather than a defensive and competitive stance regarding our perceptions versus those of others. It requires an entirely different kind of awareness — not based on sensory data. Rather it is a matter of attunement to something greater than our physical form that is shared by all. Language and empirical science fail us in speaking clearly about such matters, but do not negate their existence.

Ludwig Wittgenstein concluded in his monumental book, Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus, “whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.” This German, philosophical heavyweight is reputed to have put down is pen and become a gardener after writing that.

Each of us has our own unique life to lead.  As we learn about the power of the Reticular Activating System (RAS) it becomes clear that the quality of our consciousness determines how we experience our lives.

Ghandi said, “My life is my message.”  What does your life say about you? How skilled are you at being an active co-creator of your life?

In case you missed it, here is the link to Part 1 of this blog post.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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If so, please share it with them. 

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How to Maintain Your Inner Well-Being – Part 1

If any of the following sound familiar, you will be delighted to know you can eliminate them all!

  • Feeling like an outsider
  • Never feeling like you are good enough
  • Being aware of an inner emotional heaviness or depression
  • Experiencing a repetitive pattern of disappointment
  • The emotional heat of perpetual anger
  • The inability to deeply connect with other people
  • Blaming and judging yourself and others when things don’t go “your way.”

Each and every one of these is the direct result of specific beliefs, fears, or misconceptions through which you are filtering new experiences in your Reticular Activating System.

The Reticular Activating System (RAS) is truly a marvel of human design. Here’s what it does:

  • regulates our sleep-wake transitions
  • coordinates and integrates our cardiovascular, respiratory, and motor response to external stimuli
  • controls our coordination
  • processes the vast majority of our incoming sensory information

Do you have any idea how much new information your brain is constantly processing? In his book, Strangers to Ourselves, Timothy Wilson quantifies the human brain’s unfathomable ability to process information as follows:

The unconscious processing abilities of the human brain are estimated at approximately 11 million pieces of information per second.  Compare that to the estimate for conscious processing: about 40 pieces per second.

Without our RAS, this barrage would quite literally blow our minds! We live in a constant state of data bombardment.

The fact that the vast majority of our data processing is unconscious is a great kindness in human design. However, this unconscious filtration system runs on autopilot while determining what incoming information we value, devalue, or fear based on our accumulated past reactions.

 Like the default settings on our computers, our past data processing decisions function as self-fulfilling prophecies of our present and future data filtration, unless and until we bring them to awareness for reevaluation. 

Mosby’s Medical Dictionary, 9th edition © 2009, Elsevier

The RAS is located in the brainstem. It consists of a network of nerve pathways. They form a link between the brain stem, which controls most of the body’s involuntary functions and reflexes, and the cerebral cortex, which is the seat of consciousness and our thinking ability. By connecting these two regions of the brain, the RAS functions as a filtering system for the mind. It controls our attention, awareness, thinking, and emotions. It quite literally causes us to construct our own internal worldview.

While we share our physical world, we each have our very own unique inner world. What we are seeing is not as it is in the physical world. We see the world as it is after being processed through our inner filters. Our sense of truth is relative to our inner filtration system.

The good news is you have the power to change the settings on your filtration system. Through increased awareness of how this system works and by paying attention to all forms of imbalance you experience, you have the power to change your inner and outer experiences.

We are biased to the status quo of how we already see things.

Believing that this internally-generated version of the truth is the empirical truth blinds us from reality.

One of the consequences of this misconception is that we believe that anyone whose perspective or way of being is different than ours is “wrong.” What we imagine to be our perception of empirical truth is merely a reflection of an aggregated inner point of view.

Within the privacy of our own consciousness – in the theater of our mind – we create our own sense of reality, which we inhabit and relate to as if it is REALITY.

It is important to remember that no one else on this planet has an identical inner world to the one you live in. The assumption that others see the world as we do is the source of an enormous amount of our misunderstanding about ourselves and each other.

The majority of our perceptions and thoughts are merely the product of our primarily unconscious sensory data filtration system. They exist only in our private inner world.

Understanding the design of the data processing function of the RAS empowers us to do some renovations to the mental and emotional scaffolding upon which we are living our lives.

We access this opportunity by paying attention to where things are not working well for us in our lives. To bring our autopilot ways of responding to our experiences into conscious awareness, we need to identify what is on our filter. So, take a good look at your underlying conditioning, beliefs, assumptions, expectations, prejudices, preferences, fears, memories, judgments, illusions, delusions, hopes, and dreams.  Only then, do we have the option to challenge our default settings and change them as appropriate.

Another way of saying this is we need to clean our data processing filters. In doing so, we can update our default settings. Our freedom lies in recognizing that our RAS makes our lives a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is simply doing what we tell it to do. When we update our default settings, we are redirecting the perspective of our RAS so that it will now validate our new point of view.

Consider this simple example. While on a weight loss journey, I got to within one pound of what I viewed as a major threshold. I plateaud there for six weeks. I was doing everything “right” in terms of complying with my program. What was going on? Upon evaluation of my RAS filters, I noticed that I held a belief that crossing this particular one-pound threshold would put me into a level of success that I had not previously experienced.

Underneath that I discovered that I was fearful and did not trust myself to maintain this success. In this context, my weight loss plateau made perfect sense. Once I  identified the source of resistance to further progress, I was able to bring more of this pattern into conscious awareness and to challenge myself to see my situation through new eyes.

When we get stuck, we need to look to see exactly what beliefs and fears have been preventing us from moving forward. Then, we can choose to replace them with new, affirming beliefs and assumptions.

Bringing unconscious patterns into awareness empowers us to upgrade our default settings in such a way that upgrades the quality of our inner life.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?
If so, please share it with them. 

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Never Forget These Two Numbers: 11 Million and 40 – They Rule Your Life

Every second, we are bombarded with information.

What Do We Perceive?

In his book, Strangers to Ourselves, Timothy Wilson quantifies the processing capabilities of the human brain.

While the conscious mind processes 40 bits of information per second, the unconscious mind processes 11 million!

The fact that most of our data processing is unconscious is a great kindness in human design!

How does anyone process so much information? It’s a wonder we don’t blow our own minds! How we sort and store this massive amount of information is one of the greatest wonders of the world.

Don’t be fooled. It is easy to falsely assume that a conscious perception is more impactful than an unconscious one. In fact, being unconscious does not make a perception any less potent in impacting our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. When something is unconscious, it means we have no awareness of it. And, if we have no awareness, we can’t do anything about it.

This is why it is so important to intentionally excavate your unconscious mind when you are out of balance in your life. Self-observation is a great place to start. Pay attention to your beliefs, fears, doubts, and concerns. Bring them to your awareness. See if you can challenge their accuracy to change your point of view.

Remember, we are not only perceptual beings. We process and interpret data as well. We are intentional beings who place our focus here instead of there. We choose this action instead of that one.

Consider the fact that the sheer magnitude of unconscious data creates the need for a system of filters to organize incoming information. These filters become autopilot decision-makers for how we respond unconsciously, and they determine the content we perceive consciously.

Furthermore, we may not even be aware of those 40 bits that we take in consciously if we are not focused upon them. For example, I might notice your smile but not the clothes you are wearing while both are among my 40 bits that second.

Where does all this data come from? We gather data from our environment. We also gather information about how people treat us and how that makes us feel. Impressions are made.

Our visual perceptions dominate all others. Our brains give preference to visual information. Researchers L.D. Rosenblum, Harold Stolovitch, and Erica Keeps refer to our senses as learning portals. They offer the following statistics regarding the percentage of data processed by each of our five senses:

Sight *:  83%

Hearing:  11%

Smell:  3.5 %

Touch:  1.5 %

Taste:  1.0 %

*(both through our eyes and unconscious visual perception)

How Do We Decide What is Normal?

Patterns of “normalcy” are initially taught by others. We learn to catalog some things as good and others as bad. For the first five years or so of our lives, we are like little sponges. We absorb it all before our frontal cortex sufficiently develops for us to begin to evaluate our own perceptions. Thus, we begin by seeing through the eyes of others. And, they may or may not be seeing clearing themselves and might not have our best interests in mind.

Our sense of reality is skewed by the autopilot filtration settings of our data processing, largely programmed by others – our parents, teachers, friends, affiliations, and culture.

“If we do not intimately explore our perceptual framework, we will be its victim.”

What should we do?

“It is vital that we pay attention to how and why we function as we do.”

Here’s an example. One day, well into my own process of self-exploration, I made a profound psychosomatic connection. I held my arms fully extended in front of me with my hands turned upward like stop signs. This was to demonstrate to someone how I had been living my life. I had come to believe that I needed to protect myself. So I lived as though keeping everyone at arm’s length so they wouldn’t be able to get close enough to hurt me. It was a fundamental survival strategy I was unconsciously enacting. As I looked at my arms, I understood why I had developed carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists and bone spurs in my shoulders. Once seen, I began to deconstruct the scaffolding of this way of being. I consciously rolled my shoulders and dropped them at my side whenever I was scared or unsure of myself. This in turn caused me to experience the vulnerability of lifting my chest up and letting my heart lead me forward into the world. Through conscious and intentional repetition, I was able to override my old pattern. I stepped into a healthier and more trusting way of moving through the world.

This kind of remedial inner work is essential to personal freedom. We are all broken in some places within ourselves. But if we don’t take the time to find out where, we limp through life when we could be skipping.  Most people don’t do this inner work. Those who do have access to a kind of freedom and inner peace that is absolutely delicious. So, remember those two numbers and let them motivate you to do your inner work. It’s a matter of mental and emotional hygiene and ecology.

Remember as you move through this world, it doesn’t matter so much what is going on outside of us. It matters what we do with that inside ourselves. That is ultimately what determines whether we exist at the effect of external circumstances, or we thrive from the inside out.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?
If so, please share it with them. 
 

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What Are You Afraid Of?

Fear is a Fantasy Expectation Appearing Real. 

Fear can get triggered in many ways. Some people are afraid of dogs or snakes or spiders, for example. Others fear experiencing such emotional states as humiliation, rejection, shame, loneliness, and failure. Still others fear such life occurrences as poverty, serious illness, or death. 

Whether your fear is a momentary reaction or a sustained state of being, energetically, fear is a contraction. It is also a figment of the imagination.

What we are afraid of may be real, but our fear itself is something we make up in the theater of our mind and act as though it is real. 

It helps to understand what happens in our bodies when we become afraid and to know that we have the power to interrupt this response. Bruce Lipton is a cell biologist whose work contributes to bridging the gap between science and spirit. He explains that fear literally contracts our energy. It paralyzes us from thoughtfully and compassionately responding to the object of our fear. He explains:

When we are in a happy state, we are in a state of growth. When we get afraid, we get in a state of protection. And when we get in a state of protection, it completely changes the blood flow to the body, because when you are in a state of growth, you are nourishing the viscera, which is really the organs that take care of maintaining our health, etc. 

But when we start to get afraid, we want to send the blood to the arms and legs  because the arms and legs are what we are going to use for fight or flight to escape the issue or deal with the problem. So the hormones and stress cause the blood vessels in the gut to squeeze shut, which forces the extra blood to go to the periphery where we are going to nourish that fight or flight behavior. 

Well, interesting enough, the same hormones affect blood vessels in the brain, because when we are in a state of happiness and growth, we are using our conscious reasoning and our thinking and our logical thought. But in a state of a reaction to a threat, conscious reasoning is not very helpful, because it is a very slow process.

So, basically what happens is in the presence of stress hormones, blood vessels in the forebrain, which is the center of conscious reasoning and logic, are squeezed shut just like the blood vessels in the gut, and this forces the blood to go to the hindbrain.

Well, the hindbrain is reflex and reactive behavior, so basically it says from the moment you get under stress you actually shut down the thinking processes of the conscious mind and open up the reactive, reactionary processes of the hindbrain. . .
Simply put: when we are under stress, we become less intelligent.

Clearly, some fear reactions are justifiable, such as coming face-to-face with a big bear. In other cases, we can learn to retrain our fear response. Fear does not necessarily have to incapacitate us.

Consider the following two fear reactions by contestants on a recent show of America’s Got Talent. Both were singing their hearts out seeking their big break. Each was faced with an alarming experience. Simon Cowell interrupted them and asked them to sing a different song. The 30-year-old young man was like a deer in the headlights. Simon offered him the opportunity to come back later in the day which he eventually did successfully. But in the moment, he just stood there speechless and unable to think what to do. In contrast, the eight-year-old girl who was similarly interrupted by Simon was also stunned initially. Simon offered her some water and she smiled and said, “Well, that just happened!” She composed herself and sang another song.

In the moment of our fear being triggered, we can unconsciously allow our physiological response described above to kick in and take over. Or, we can do what that little girl did. She overrode her autopilot response by acknowledging that something unpleasant happened and then affirmed that she was OK. 

Here are 5 simple steps to retrain your reaction to things you fear:

  1. Observe yourself. Play detective and watch to see exactly what you do when you get afraid. Notice what triggers your fear.
  2. Interrupt your autopilot response. Practice noticing when your fears kick in. Stay conscious. Don’t lose your mind.
  3. Choose to be OK. Ask yourself, “How else might I respond to this other than being afraid?” Practice telling yourself that you can manage the situation. You can be simultaneously afraid and OK. 
  4. Downgrade your fear. As you practice being OK when you are afraid, your fears will lose their power. Build trust in your ability to cope in the presence of stress.
  5. Repeat. Building new response patterns requires repetition. Be patient and keep doing this consciously until it becomes your new autopilot response.

For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here.  

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?
If so, please share it with them. 
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What Gives Your Life Meaning?

What sustains you?

What puts a smile on your face and lights up your heart?

What keeps the embers of your soul on fire?

What really matters deeply to you?

It is so easy to get caught up in the ongoing activities and demands of our lives. We often forget or lose track of what is most meaningful to us.

There are two things that give my life profound meaning. The first is the process of my own spiritual awakening. The other is helping others to raise the level of consciousness from which they are living their lives. I welcome every opportunity to contribute to raising someone’s consciousness to look upward and inward rather than downward and outward.

These are the things that, if all else were stripped away, would continue to sustain my spirit and enrich me. What about you? What is the source of the deepest meaning of your life?

For over 40 years I have consciously, intentionally, and actively participated in my own spiritual enrichment. As a result, I have evolved an understanding of life’s purpose and a worldview that has changed the course of my life for the better. It guides and nourishes me each and every day.

Experientially knowing that we are all divine beings having human experiences casts a very different light on my daily trials and tribulations. There is an inner freedom I have found in this journey that I treasure. It is the knowledge that I am free to create, promote or allow whatever I choose to participate in within my own consciousness. Regardless of what others say or do to me or about me or with me, my mind is mine to do with as I choose. As Richard Lovelace (1618-1657) wrote:

Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars a cage;
Minds innocent and quiet take
That for a hermitage;
If I have freedom in my love,
And in my soul am free,
Angels alone that soar above
Enjoy such liberty.

My life offers me so many opportunities to be of service to others. Through my writing, mentoring, teaching, or simply by being a friend, my life is rich in opportunities to help others.

Being of service is a beautiful win/win experience for me. The more I give, the more blessings seem to flow through my life. For example, when caring for my mother at the end of her life I was gifted with the realization of how deeply I am capable of loving.

Every day, as I work with clients, we learn from each other. And, as they set themselves free from the beliefs, memories, and fears that have burdened them, my soul sings. To be a part of their process and to bear witness to their liberation makes me jump for joy inside.

Where have you found your place in this world?

What is nourishing your soul and tickling your fancy?

 

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?
If so, please share it with them. 

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Celebrating Oneness in Diversity

Do you and your partner frequently battle over who is “right” and who is “wrong?” If so, battles will be won, but a war will rage on.

Right/wrong thinking makes a relationship an ongoing power struggle. It is the territory of two ego personalities who are only considering two options: winning or losing. Only one can be right, and the other is therefore wrong. As long as we think in those terms, we will always be at war with each other.

It is the decision-making process used, rather than the decisions themselves, that speak volumes about the quality of a relationship.

When you replace either/or thinking with both/and thinking a whole new world of healthy relating opens up. It allows for the process of co-creation by equally respected partners. Whether deciding what to have for dinner or when and how to express shared intimacy, your decision-making style makes all the difference.

Think in terms of a continuum of possibilities. At one extreme the decision-making process will demonstrate one partner dominating and silencing the other. At the other extreme is a shared process of considering each person’s point of view, evaluating the alternatives together, and finding a solution that serves the highest good of all concerned. Guess which one is more healthy?

Take a look at the major relationships in your life and ask yourself how healthy your decision-making style is. Are you a bully? Do you play a victim role? Do you feel heard?

When one partner dominates, something dies in the other partner. When both participate, both partners thrive. This is true whether the two parties are schoolyard children, marriage partners, business associates, or countries.

Dominance expresses a lack of caring and consideration for the concerns and welfare of the other. It is a silencing of one by the other. Dominance breads hostility. It demonstrates a lack of mutual respect and an inevitable retaliation in one form or another by the underdog. Consider the waiter who secretly spits in your soup because you were condescending and rude. What drives a marriage partner to withhold sex claiming frequent headaches?

The fact that you are able to dominate and silence another person by throwing your weight around  doesn’t make your point of view the “best” approach. It simply shows your lack of awareness and inability to participate in more fruitful, kind and caring relationships with others.

Bullies, social and institutional norms, and political hierarchies of power often silence the most brilliant, creative minds that might otherwise contribute better solutions.

I often wonder how rich and healthy we could be if we nurtured the full participation of all rather than the advancement of the few.

Many people who carry unresolved and accumulated anger from their past let off steam by bullying others. Some, flashing the badge of their social position, title or wealth, pursue their own agenda at the expense of others. They tell themselves it is their right — they are entitled and others are not.

Consider the “mean” boss, the bully in the schoolyard, or one who abuses children. Think about how the “most powerful” countries in the world take advantage of the smaller and less developed nations.  “Might” most certainly does not make “right” nor does it demonstrate the best of which we are capable.

The social consequences of allowing bullying, dominance, and right/wrong decision-making to prevail in our world are enormous.

How much personal growth, loving, caring and sharing is sacrificed when right/wrong thinking and dominance prevails?

How much creativity, productivity and camaraderie is lost to systems and leadership styles that stifle  the contribution of employees?

What countries truly strive to maximize the health, happiness, and productivity of their citizenry? The irony is this is more true of “primitive” societies than of “advanced” societies.

The sad thing is that the worst offenders don’t even know what they are missing and are satisfied with the spoils of the greedy wars they wage. They are often unaware of the magnitude of abundance they could create by nourishing rather than starving others.

Look around and you will see many who are consciously working to break through the prevailing cultural pattern of creating personal hierarchies of power in human relationships. It is a slow process of choosing more kindness, more caring, more encouragement of hope and participation. It is fueled by a vision of celebrating our oneness while honoring our differences.

Many are seeking to find ways to tap the vast resources of participation, creativity, and productivity.  Momentum is growing as individuals look for enlightened lovers and leaders and join causes that seek greater health and well-being.

People are learning to speak up rather than allowing themselves to be silenced or to give up. Some are creating relationships and organizations that are alive and evolving. They nurture all participants to be free, safe, and encouraged to fully participate.  Collaborative thinking is being encouraged.

Pay attention to your affiliations and the quality of your relationships. Are you perpetuating the old or helping to bring in the new?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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If so, please share it with them. 

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6 Ways to Say ‘Yes’ to Your Life

“If I am not for myself, then who will be for me?
And if I am only for myself, then what am I?
And if not now, when?”
–Hillel

Learn to embrace the fullness of life. This calls us to bear personal responsibility and accountability for our own life. I was recently listening to “Radical Self-Acceptance” by Tara Brach. She began to talk about the simple act of saying “yes” to your own life. My immediate reaction was, “Like, duhhh! Who doesn’t know that?” Then I began to check in with myself to see when I was actually saying “yes” or “no” to my life. I was astounded by all the subtle and obvious ways that I was spewing negativity against myself.

I wouldn’t tolerate others attacking me like that, yet there I was rejecting myself again and again.

This experience reminded me of a workshop I attended many years ago. Participants were each given a blank piece of paper representing their daily allotment of energy units. We were asked to walk around the room tearing off pieces of the paper representing how we spent our energy. For many of us, the paper was long gone before we got anywhere near the end of our list. Many of us were shocked by how much of our life force was expended in resistance and negativity towards what was present in our lives. I highly recommend that you try this process. It was a profound exercise for me and has stayed with me all these years.

Self-sabotage comes in many forms. We  judge and reject ourselves. We compare ourselves to others and create fantasy fears and illusions. In what ways do you sabotage yourself? What strategies do you use to reclaim and redirect yourself in more uplifting ways? Here are some of my personal favorite ways to say “yes” to my life:

  1. Observation. The mere act of self-observation brings your consciousness present. It provides the opportunity to claim your own truth and to make different choices, if appropriate. When we don’t pay attention, our negativity can run on autopilot, and we haven’t got a prayer of doing anything about it. So, pay attention. Observe yourself.  Once you see your negativity, choose to explore it and do something about it. Einstein’s definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
  2. Naming the Experience. Somehow, labeling what is going on both within you and in your life can give you a starting point for finding a higher perspective. For example, simply noticing “I am really agitated” begins a process of exploring the source of your agitation. You can look at the ways it is manifesting. It helps to be specific in your observations. For example, knowing that I you agitated rather than angry or exhausted expedites the process of finding a way out of the particular form of negativity being experienced.
  3. Welcoming Whatever Is Present. This one is from Tara Brach, and I find that practicing it can be quite amusing. At first, it seemed crazy to me to say, “Oh, I gained five pounds, and I feel ashamed of myself and hopeless. I should welcome these feelings? Come on in and sit with me. Have a cup of tea. What are you here to teach me?” By embracing whatever is present, you can short-circuiting your autopilot negativity to what you don’t like or want. Instead of allowing your judgments and resistance to escalate,  practice keeping your consciousness open to the possibility that even this thing you don’t like is here for a purpose in your life. Ask yourself, “How is this for me rather than against me?”
  4. Cultivating Neutrality. It is so easy to fall into the trap of embracing only what we like in life. But this leads to doing everything possible to resist what we don’t like. We all have our personal preferences. However, just as we might prefer a sunny day to a cloudy one, there will be days and experiences we love and those we can’t wait to see end. To merely encounter the variations through the lens of personal preferences is to miss the point. All our life experiences offer us important lessons. Those experiences we avoid will just keep reappearing until we learn the lessons they are here to teach us. In my experience, many of my most precious life lessons have been delivered through unpleasant experiences.
  5. Accepting What Is Present. Denial doesn’t make the truth disappear. It just postpones the possibility of dealing with it. Acceptance is not about saying you like what is happening. Rather, it is choosing to face reality. It is about calling a spade a spade. I tell myself, “This is what is happening. This is the truth of the matter.” Then, I sit with that before allowing myself to respond.
  6. Exercising Compassion and Forgiveness for Myself and Others. I pay attention to when I catch myself standing in judgment of myself, others or the circumstances in my life. Then I do my best to focus on replacing my judgments with compassion and forgiveness. It doesn’t necessarily happen on the spot. However, by choosing to keep my heart open and present, I welcome loving kindness into the equation.

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If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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If so, please share it with them. 

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When Loved Ones Aren’t Very Loving

Do you dread gathering with your family and friends for holidays, weddings, funerals and other events? Or have you been blessed with a truly loving and nurturing family? Dysfunctional childhood and family dynamics have a way resurfacing and making us feel crazy, trapped, and wanting to run for the hills.

If this sounds familiar, ask yourself these questions to explore the role you play in these dramas:

  • Are you consistently kind to everyone?
  • Do you reject certain people and favor others?
  • Do you hold grudges that have been festering for years?
  • Are you one who stands by pretending not to see the elephant in the room? Has it been there for many, many years?
  • Do you strive to truly demonstrate loving kindness for everyone there?
  • In what ways do you contribute to the discord?
  • Do you see yourself as a helpless and innocent victim?
  • Are you someone who thinks you are somehow better than everyone else?
  • What kind of attitude and behaviors do you contribute?

The term ‘loved ones’ implies special status – our inner circle. Yet, some of us are kinder to total strangers than to those with whom we share our lives.

In many families at least one giant elephant of discord sits in the room. There is a silent conspiracy that everyone participates in pretending not to see it or to do anything to get rid of it. Perhaps there is a drug-addicted child, or an alcoholic parent whose toxicity dominates the experience of being together. Or maybe it is a nasty, judgmental sister, a boring uncle, a nerd, or someone you hold a grudge against.

If this is a familiar experience for you, are you going along with the same old dysfunctional dynamic? Is there something you might do to contribute to healing the situation? It takes courage to go against the tide. Are you willing to name the elephant and to initiate efforts to deal constructively with the negativity?  Consider the alternative of letting things continue to fester. Do you really want to forego the possibility of having a mutually respectful and enjoyable time together?

Consider the following example. I know one family with two sisters and a brother in the middle. They have put up with the older sister’s judgments and rejection of the younger sister for decades.

The elder sister feels that her disdain is justified by her judgments of her sister. The brother plays the peacemaker and maintains separate relationships with his sisters. He initites family gatherings in the hope that this will go away. He tries to be a good sport and acts as though he is  unconscious of the feud. Meanwhile, the younger sister suffers through these gatherings. After making numerous attempts to talk to her sister about healing the discord between them, she has withdrawn from family gatherings.

Every family gathering is tainted.

“all the while scarlet thoughts, putrid fantasies, and no love”

-Louis Auchincloss

 

Consider what is at stake. Why should everyone have to suffer because someone doesn’t like one of the family or group of friends? Why not challenge that person either privately or publicly? Let them know that you do not appreciate or support their behavior. Acknowledge to them that their negativity is toxic for everyone else involved? Why not go on record as being unwilling to support this kind of behavior in the future? Ask the person what they are making more important then loving one another.

Another constructive act is to let the apparent victim know that you care about their well-being and do not approve of the aggressor’s behavior.

As adults we are each responsible for what we create, promote, and allow in our lives. We are accountable for how our behavior affects others – no matter how justifiable we believe our attitudes and behaviors to be.

At the end of the day, we are either contributing to more loving kindness for all involved or more distress and discord.

Is there something you might do differently next time to demonstrate that nothing is more important to you than being loving and kind to one another?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?
If so, please share it with them. 

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