Blog - Page 9 of 15 - Judith Johnson

The Dying and Death Series – Part 4: Keys for Making Peace With Death

There are those among us who are leading the way in demonstrating how to break free of society’s taboo around death. While most of us might be likely to awkwardly say “your color looks good today” to a dying loved one, someone who has made peace with death would be more likely to take his or her hand and say, “I love you and am going to miss you so much.”

For most of us, being around dying and death evokes a visceral response of fear and avoidance. We basically view life as good and death as bad. Our fear makes us contract and respond in fight or flight or freeze mode. We react against death and try to keep it away from us precisely because we have been taught that it is bad. People who have made peace with death have a completely different mindset. They tend to see death as normal as birth and are as open to its wonders and mysteries as they are to those of birth. This doesn’t mean that they are exempt from the sorrow and grief of losing a loved one. However, they have learned how to bring their loving, caring, kindness, compassion and even humor to the bedside of the dying.

Next time you find yourself in the presence of a dying loved one while hiding your tears and
sorrow behind a fragile masked smile, consider the following keys to how people who have made peace with death behave:

See death as normal. Rather than seeing death as something awful to be avoided at all cost, see if you can shift your thinking by exploring the fact that while death is inescapable, our attitudes and beliefs about death are actually quite negotiable. Challenge yourself to break free of giving death such a bad rap. If you believe in God, consider the fact that God was not suffering a loss of intelligence and simply having a bad day when conceiving of death as essential to the human experience.
Don’t try to run away from death or avoid it — be in it and be open to experience it. As with any fear, the fear of death kicks in the fight/flight/freeze response. This instinctual response is built upon the assumption that there is something terribly wrong with death. When you liberate yourself from only seeing death as bad, you will begin to recognize that death is a great teacher of how to embrace and honor life more deeply. Be open to the lessons that death presents to you. Breathe into death rather than standing breathless in fear of death. Stories and memories of the dying and their loved ones are rich with references to sharing a sweeter and more profound love than ever before. Be vulnerable. It’s OK to cry. We don’t need to protect each other from the depth of our emotions, but rather to give each other permission to authentically share our truth.
Focus on being of service. Do what you can to make the journey of dying and death easier for yourself and others. When you are not busy being afraid of death, you can set about the business of being of service. If you are the person with a terminal illness this might involve putting your affairs in order — for example, being sure you have an up-to-date will or trust and health care directives, documenting your preferences for your eventual end-of-life ritual, organizing your files and personal affairs, saying thoughtful goodbyes and giving your forgiveness where needed. If your loved one is dying, you can be of service just by showing up and paying attention to what is needed in the moment — a tissue, a foot rub, reading a book, sharing memories, or just silently bearing witness. Don’t forget to include the family and primary caregiver of the dying. Dropping off a quart of soup or calling and asking if you can provide some shopping, cooking, cleaning or laundry relief or something else that would be of help are all expressions of a consciousness of service.
Be fearless. Be authentic. Be yourself. Be loving. When you disassemble your fear, you are left with your authenticity. When you are authentic, it is easier to feel and express your loving. When all is said and done, freedom from fear is better than being paralyzed by fear. It takes courage to achieve freedom from the external pressure to conform to a mode of behavior that serves no one. Have the courage to let your loving and caring show no matter how difficult and awkward it might feel to express it. The more you allow yourself to express it, the less awkward it feels. Think about it. If you were dying, what would you rather have someone bring you than love? What could possibly be more precious to you? Think about that next time you just don’t know what to say or find yourself avoiding the dying and their loved ones.
Allow yourself and others to fully experience the range of grief and sorrow that are normal parts of dealing with dying, death, and bereavement. Emotions can be messy and challenge our preference for the illusion that we can control life. When we don’t express our emotions, we tend to repress them and/or medicate them away. Consider this request from a grieving woman posted on www.opentohope.com:

“I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about what is going on in my life, and to ask what you can do to help. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears … I wish you wouldn’t pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side … I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counselling. Grieving and what I’m going through is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over if and when I appear to be smiling or happy. I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight … sleep all the time or not at all … want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief … Please don’t try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon … I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain. These are just temporary crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it. I have to hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood that grief and difficult situations change people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again …

To read the full text go to: http://community.opentohope.com/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=107#p190

It is entirely up to each and every one of us whether we stay frozen in fear in the face of dying, death and bereavement or break free and make peace with the normalcy of death. I invite you to try some of the suggestions given above and to share other ideas through comments below.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

December 27, 2016/by Judith Johnson

Consciousness/Thriving, End of Life

7 Tips for Talking About Health and Money With Elderly Parents

Not since your conversation about the birds and the bees have you and your parents faced such a difficult conversation. Sooner or later, adult children and their elderly parents need to talk about the parents’ medical, financial and legal affairs. The inescapable truth is that at some point the responsibility will fall upon the children to ensure the quality of the parents’ care, to carry out their wishes and to finalize their personal affairs. Having an effective dialogue about this will depend on the family’s unique circumstances, the parent’s mental, emotional and physical condition and the quality of family relationships. Here are seven tips for successfully discussing these sensitive private matters.

Above all else, be gentle, kind, loving and supportive – treat your parents as you would wish to be treated.

I welcome your comments.

If you would like to suggest a topic for a future blog or ask me to address a particular situation or issue, please email me here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

December 27, 2016/by Judith Johnson

Consciousness/Thriving

12 Inspirational Quotes To Reframe Our Thinking About Death

Mention death, and specifically human mortality, and most people become visibly disturbed. Yet each and every one of us will die sooner or later, and no one knows when. Thinking about death in the abstract is one thing, but embracing your own mortality is quite another matter.

Within the context of our typical dualistic thinking, we tend to view life as good and death as bad. Yet, death is normal, neither good nor bad. Each one of us is born, lives and dies. We exist in a cycle, a lifespan of unknown duration. Each of us has been a baby, a child, an adolescent and now we are somewhere in our adulthood, maturing, aging, slowing down. Each stage of life provides a different kind of opportunity for learning and growing and experiencing life and gaining wisdom. Death is not negotiable. It is as essential as life to the great mystery of our existence.

So, let’s take a look at some of the really good things about death:

Thinking about death makes us think more deeply about how we are living our lives. It’s a funny thing how the rarity of a commodity increases its value to us. So, if we live as though we will live forever, we are less likely to find as much richness in life as we do when we really understand that any moment could be our last. Death makes life precious.
Death levels the playing field. No one has the hometown advantage. It doesn’t matter how much money you have, how pretty you are or how educated; you’re still going to die. Death is an equal-opportunity experience.
Death punctuates life and gives it meaning. If we simply lived on and on and on endlessly, without stages of growth and maturation, we would have no reference point for our experiences. It may not seem like we were going anywhere. We might lack the motivation to make a go of it before it’s too late.
Death teaches us to live with the unknown. No matter how much we try to control ourselves, our lives and others, life is full of surprises, and there is a whole lot more going on here than we can even begin to fathom. No matter how important we might think we are, each of us is humbled by the reality that there are forces at work beyond our control. That makes life a whole lot more interesting than if we could control everything. The mysteries of life, like the fact that we breathe or the fact that we even exist, are fantastic. There is something to be in awe of and the existence of death is one of the things that serve as a reminder of that which is greater than anything we can create or control.
Death teaches us to accept our own limitations. The mere existence of death tells us that there are boundaries to what we can do, be and have in life. It also reminds us that all our material gain must be left behind in the end.
Death is good for the economy! Alright, this might be stretching it, but think about it. Produce goes bad if left too long in the refrigerator. Flowers die, and we buy new ones. If everything and everyone stayed vibrant, we’d have no need for health-care, garbage collection, tag sales, a cosmetic industry or most plastic surgery. Death is a booming industry!

Much has been written about death. Here are some wonderful quotations about death to contemplate:

If you would like to suggest a topic for a future blog or ask me to address a particular situation or issue, please email me here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

December 27, 2016/by Judith Johnson

Consciousness/Thriving

5 Steps To Finding Your Individuality

When it comes to going after what you love in life,
don’t take “NO” for an answer.
— Regina Brett

Much of our stress and dis-ease in life is caused by living a life that does not resonate with our own inner truth. We hide from ourselves and each other in big and little ways each day. We find ourselves blaming and judging other people, our situation or circumstances for our unhappiness, not realizing that its deeper source lies within us. In failing to recognize and honor our own truth, we sacrifice our own well-being. Why do we do this? I’ve noticed that it is usually for one of three reasons — either we sacrifice ourselves to please or support others, to conform to social norms, or we are too afraid of what might happen if we really gave ourselves permission to be fully ourselves.

Having it your way doesn’t mean that we should all be selfish, greedy and self-centered. Rather, it is about being honest and true to ourselves by living life as a reflection of our inner truth. This takes courage and ruthless personal honesty.

Each of us has a unique set of preferences, needs, talents and abilities that affect how we see ourselves in the world and how others see us as well. Among the strongest influences on our identity are our gender, race, family, socioeconomic affiliations, culture, moment in history, etc. No matter how similar we are to another, each of us has our very own unique way. Just as we might prefer to “hold the pickle, hold the lettuce” on our burger, we each have a personal sensibility about many things in life. We might prefer the country to the city or the color turquoise to red. We might have a great voice, tremendous business acumen or parenting skills. Being conscious of your own talents, abilities, preferences and deeply held beliefs and values is the foundation upon which you can build your life your way.

Each of us is an original and can’t be replaced. When we fail to recognize and celebrate who we are, it is a collective as well as a personal loss. The less we live as who we are the less alive we are. Knowing ourselves and what we are capable of contributing is not only personally liberating, but socially responsible as well. This doesn’t mean that we are all meant to be stars. Many of us contribute quietly or to only a small group. The point is to be who we really are and to give our best. Anything less cheats us all.

If you are feeling out of sync with yourself or with the world, the following five steps will help you find your way to living your life your way.

Step 1: Develop the Willingness and Ability to Recognize Your Own Inner Truth: Many of us have only a vague sense of what matters to us, yet we are quick to judge anyone who doesn’t agree with us as though the whole world should share our point of view. It takes time and intention to get below this surface level of encountering life to develop a clear understanding of who we are and what really matters to us so we can live from the inside out. Paying attention inwardly is essential to really getting to know ourselves. The truth is we all hear voices in our heads – unfortunately, for many of us the voices of fear, doubt, self-sabotage and judgment often speak the loudest. Listen for the voice that values you, your skills and abilities and is always there to encourage you on to find the courage and creativity to face whatever life brings your way. This is the innocent yet powerful voice of your true self.

Step 2: Develop the Courage and Commitment to Honor and Embrace Your Truth: Once you have come to recognize the voice of your own inner truth, create a routine of checking in at least once a day to see if you are on track. If you are facing difficult challenges, a lot more inner focus will be required. Ask yourself questions like: “When was I on course/off course today?” “What is working for me and what is not?” “How can I tell the difference?” Listen and notice if the negative voices try to insert their point of view. Their ultimate message is always to give up and see yourself as a failure and/or as unworthy of what really matters to you. It is important to become conscious of what they are saying to you because only then can you do something about it. Assert your own power by refuting the negative remarks. Respond to inner negativity by reframing your perspective in a way that you can see your own courage and goodness and build upon that.

Step 3: Trust Yourself No Matter How Uncharted the Territory: No matter how long you have been afraid or following someone else’s lead, the opportunity is always there to wake up and get into the driver’s seat in your own life. If you haven’t done so yet, why not now? Everything in life involves choices and trade-offs. No matter how high a mountain of change might look to you, always remember you progress one step at a time and you get to control your pace. The more you trust yourself and the wisdom of honoring your own truth, the easier it will become to make this your normal way of behaving.

Step 4: Give Yourself Permission to Be Happy: Remember Henry Ford’s famous quote: “If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” We die a little each day when we don’t believe that we have the right to live according to what is true for us. The willingness to be happy gives us the ability to be happy. Try it!

Step 5: Practice Being the Real You Until it Becomes Your Natural Way of Being: The more authentic we become, the happier we get and happiness that is rooted in truth is a beautiful thing. Since our lives are reflections of our inner relationship with ourselves, a life built on truth is about as good as it gets.

Celebrate and share the gift of who you really are!

December 27, 2016/by Judith Johnson

Relationships

What Marrying Couples Often Forget

When the promises of a bride and groom are made in the bubble of romantic love, yet untested by life, there is naiveté and ignorance about what life can bring. As a minister who marries many couples, I have come to accept that life will have its way with each couple. They will be tested by the tides of life, by chance and circumstance, by the routines of daily living, and by the full cycle of the seasons of life. While they may think they are entering their marriage with the knowledge that together they will face life’s sorrow no less than its sweetness, there is usually an accompanying and typically unspoken belief that “it will be different for us because we love each other so much.”

Marriage isn’t really about the two united against the world, but rather the two individuals in a world full of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual challenges and surprises. Their challenge is to figure out how to sustain their love, while honoring and cherishing themselves and each other through it all. Will they be able to fan the fire of their love enough to make their love more important to them than anything else that challenges them along the way?

I deeply believe that there is nothing more important than loving one another. However, love must be matured, tested, deepened, and strengthened by the trials and triumphs of life. The challenge is, how do I accept the fact that we will both disappoint ourselves and each other? How do I love you when I don’t like how you are behaving? How do I love you when you hurt me, disappoint me, betray me or turn against me? How do I love myself when I am the one who falls short of my own beliefs and values? How do I know if I need to leave my marriage?

Even the best of marriages can end. For some, this is the loss of an oasis in the world and it’s hard to let go of that, although when you are thinking of leaving your oasis has probably long since become a battleground. I’ve known many couples who met in their youth and became each other’s safe place in the world to run to from abuse or other challenges at home (where they were supposed to be safe). Thinking they would be safe together forever, they often find themselves unable to comprehend or accept the adult scars of their partner’s childhood traumas or how their respective needs change over time.

I think we would all have a better chance at creating a successful marriage if we first learned how to love ourselves rather than looking for someone else to love us instead. The two are not mutually exclusive, but the quality of our ability to love another is directly proportionate to how well we have learned to love ourselves. Wouldn’t it be interesting if we were required to pass a certification program in self respect and self love before we could qualify for a marriage license?

Regardless of whether a couple decides to move forward together or separately, it is important to recognize that relationships are wonderful teachers. When things get rough, we often polarize against our partner, blaming and judging them for whatever has occurred. We forget that it takes two to tango and sometimes we are simply disowning our own dark side by projecting it onto our partner and then rejecting them for it.

Remember that the real world we live in together is not utopia. That’s why marriage vows ask us to love, honor, and cherish each other for richer or poorer, in good times and bad, and in sickness and in health. In other words, rather than making the other person wrong when life doesn’t go your way, consider building skills in loving yourself and each other through the challenges that come along.

Consider whether it is possible to sacrifice your judgments, expectations, and any other ways that you have learned to separate yourself from your partner. Unless your partner is physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive, you should be willing to get some altitude above the situation and look at what each of you is doing that is creating the problem. Communicate honestly about what you are experiencing without making your partner wrong. Don’t pretend that you are helpless and hopeless, living at the effect of your partner’s attitude and behavior. Participate fully in your life and hold yourself accountable for your actions and reactions as well.

When two people are simply unable to sustain their love for each other and are unwilling to spend the remainder of their life in what is left of their relationship, then divorce becomes a way to set each other free. In the best of divorces, partners are able to say goodbye and sincerely wish each other well, taking with them fond memories and valuable life lessons.

If you have ever been through a divorce, you probably know that place in your consciousness that becomes unsure of how to ever trust your own judgment again. “I chose this person. I loved this person. I really thought we would spend the rest of our lives together being loving and kind and supportive to each other. Now, we can’t stand the sight of each other and are trying to get more than our share in a divorce settlement.” What really happens to people like this? While not all divorces end in animosity, too many do. There are also marriages that, for a variety of reasons, are better terminated.

For some couples, leaving is never an option. If it is, then even your dearest confidant cannot and should not tell you to leave your marriage. You and your partner made sacred vows to each other. Only you know if you cannot or will not honor that vow going forward. It is a deep personal decision; look only into your own heart to find the answer. Beyond anger, beyond fear there is a part of you that simply knows.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

December 27, 2016/by Judith Johnson

Consciousness/Thriving

Enthusiasm: The Fifth Law of Spirit

The beautiful thing about the sequence of the Laws of Spirit is that it so clearly delineates what needs to happen in our hearts and minds to be open to the flow of God’s wisdom, love, grace, and blessings in our lives. Ultimately, it leads us to the fifth Law of Spirit: enthusiasm. In “non-God” terms, enthusiasm is the state of one’s mind and emotions where we are free of personal considerations and open to experience life as it is. Through acceptance, understanding and love it is possible to shift your perspective on whatever person or situation you are dealing with and find yourself in a state of enthusiasm for the perfection of the situation on some level.

In its spiritual interpretation, enthusiasm refers to moving past your mind and emotions to tap into divine energy, or for those who speak in non-God terms, achieving the most clear, pure, open, and free state of consciousness possible, what the Buddhists call “nirvana.” It is an expansion of consciousness beyond the mundane yet evident in how we handle the mundane. It is an expression of those qualities that nurture inner peace, openness, unconditional loving, and awareness of God’s presence in our lives. Enthusiasm is beyond the emotions where every cell of your being is in alignment with what you are doing, you are filled with joy, and synchronicity is familiar territory in your life.

A more common understanding of enthusiasm is that “oh goody, I got what I wanted” feeling — the “I’m so excited I’m getting married,” or “I got a big raise,” or “I got a publishing contract” kind of excitement. Indeed, that is a kind of enthusiasm, but here we are looking at a more profound form — the kind that emanates from your soul.

A great example of enthusiasm came from a reader, Elaine Mansfield, who wrote in regarding last week’s blog on the Fourth Law of Spirit — Love. She described her husband’s way of moving through the last two years of his life with cancer as follows:

Vic was often alarmingly ill and mentally jangled by the medicines and the disease, but decided from the beginning that even though he was too messed up to focus in meditation or study his favorite spiritual teachers, he could be kind to everyone — me, his sons, the nurses, the custodians in the hospital, his students, his doctor. Everyone. As you would expect, he received buckets of love and kindness in return and everyone who helped him get to the other side learned the power of spiritual love and human kindness.

Many people pay lip service to believing in God or a particular spiritual principle. This man demonstrated how to breathe life into his beliefs. What a blessing to all who knew him or hear his story.

Consider if there is a place in your life where you might benefit from some enthusiasm. Ask yourself:

What are my deepest beliefs, and how do I live those beliefs?
In what area(s) of my life do I play God instead of opening to the divine flow?
How might my life be different if I surrendered my willfulness and “won’tfulness?”
In what area of my life or in what relationships do I feel out of alignment with my highest self?

I think the human condition makes it pretty difficult to sustain our enthusiasm — unless we are as evolved as the Dalai Lama, who giggles all the time. But it matters in what direction we strive. The quality of our lives depends on it.

Ultimately, enthusiasm is a delightful inner experience that is always available to us. All we have to do is to surrender into it by journeying through the process of acceptance, cooperation, understanding, and love.

I hope you enjoyed this series on the Laws of Spirit and would love to hear your thoughts and comments.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

December 27, 2016/by Judith Johnson

End of Life

Understanding Grief: Mourning In A Healthier Way

It is true that there are stages to grief, though no two people grieve in exactly the same way. However, something has been missing in our understanding of grief that offers an opportunity for many of us to lessen our pain and suffering when faced with a major loss. That key is to understand the way we have been culturally programmed to react to death.

Each culture has its own mindset about death that consciously and unconsciously influences the beliefs, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors of its members. The guidance of a particular culture seeps through the pores of its members, shaping their thinking and behavior. Mostly, we learn through observation, repetition, and the reactions of others if we step out of line. Social norms and taboos guide us in what is considered proper and acceptable and what is frowned upon. Those of us raised in the United States, for example, have been culturally programmed to believe that death somehow shouldn’t even exist — it’s not fair, it’s wrong, and to be avoided at all cost. Is it any wonder than that when dying, death, or bereavement knock at our door, we respond with a fight/flight/freeze response and avoid death like the plague?

We are uncomfortable with even the thought of death. That’s why many hospitals avoid using the word “death” in the presence of patients and their loved ones, even when it is not in reference to them specifically. One contemporary hospital uses a code to spread the word among the medical and nursing staff when a patient dies. Rather than simply saying that someone has died, they say, “Guess who won’t be shopping at Walmart anymore?” If we are this uncomfortable with even the mention of the word “death,” how are we supposed to deal with its reality in our lives? How are we supposed to know how to be in death’s presence let alone tolerate its very existence?

It is not our fault if we are uncomfortable around death, because that is how we have been trained to respond. The fear of death is at once culturally pervasive yet deeply private. Having been taught to fear death and to believe that it is fundamentally wrong and undesirable has set us up to be ill-equipped to deal with it on any level. In terms of grief and bereavement, I can’t help but wonder how much of our suffering is directly attributable to this dysfunctional belief.

Beliefs are the filters through which we interpret the events and experiences of our lives. If one person believes that death is bad and shouldn’t happen, and the other accepts death as a normal part of the human journey, then who is likely to suffer more when grieving the death of a loved one? Clearly, the one who thinks death is bad and wrong. When something is unacceptable to us, we are so busy being angry and resistant to its reality that processing it and dealing with it are overwhelming. When someone accepts death, they can get on with the business of grieving their loss, while those unable to accept death must deal with their negative emotions about its existence as well.

Accepting death is not about liking it, but acknowledging its normalcy and inescapable nature in the course of human life. Acceptance allows us to access the wisdom and intimacy with our loved ones that is available when we are not busy denying death.

When my mother was dying, for example, we acknowledged that she was dying with each other, and that gave us the freedom to say what we wanted and needed to say to each other about what was really going on. I knew, for example, that she was really curious and impatient to find out what happens when you die and that she believed that she would be greeted by loved ones who had predeceased her. So, when she actually died, I was able to be really happy for her and comforted that she would finally have her answer; she would see her mother and husband again, and be freed from all the physical pain she had been experiencing. Did I want her to die? Never — but I was happy for her. During those final months of her life we were also able to share a level of vulnerability and intimacy with each other that we had never had before. We knew time was running out and we took full advantage. My choice to make caring for my mother my top priority for the final six months of her life taught me a depth and breadth of love I had never known before and that I will treasure always. Had I stayed in my fear and allowed it to keep me at arm’s length, I would have missed out on a lot of riches.

Wouldn’t it be in our best interest as a society to transform our fear-based culture of death by encouraging a healthier belief about death as a normal occurrence? What would it be like if we lived in a society that taught us to take time to be of service to the dying and allowed us time to do our grieving? There is so much we could do to educate and prepare ourselves to handle death with greater loving, service, and compassion.

The fact is that the dynamics of fear are exactly what stand in our way of accepting our mortality and in evolving a healthy relationship with death. Fear contracts our energy and paralyzes us from thoughtfully and compassionately responding to the object of our fear. When what is feared is death, quite a conundrum is created because no one can avoid death. Unless we learn to transform the energy of fearing death, we live in fear and die afraid.

The bottom line is a fear-based view of death is unhealthy and fails to serve us as individuals or as a society. Consider your own experiences with death. Do you avoid death and even the topic of death like the plague? Do you see death as defeat or failure — something to be avoided at all cost? When you hear that someone has died, do you automatically react with the belief that it shouldn’t have happened? When you have a bouquet of flowers and they start to wilt and die, does some part of you think it shouldn’t be that way — that they should stay fresh and beautiful forever? Is that why we invented plastic flowers?

If you are not already on board to help bring this change about — I hope you will explore your personal beliefs and behaviors around dying, death, and bereavement and seek out opportunities to help challenge and transform our culture of death in your home, at work, and in the community.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

December 27, 2016/by Judith Johnson

Consciousness/Thriving

5 Essentials For Breaking Through Your Negative Thought Patterns

Are you caught in a web of stinking thinking, or are your beliefs the bedrock of your success and happiness? If you want to know why you are happy or not, take a good look at your most fundamental beliefs about yourself. Do you believe that you are the kind of person who is:

Worthy and capable of happiness and success?
Unlucky in love, life, business, and/or health?
In need of proving yourself to others?
Blessed with wonderful talents and abilities that you enjoy sharing?

Do you believe that it is someone else’s fault if you are unhappy or not making your dreams come true? Do you run an ongoing inner commentary of your judgments of everyone else and what they do that doesn’t agree with how you imagine you would approach the situation? It is so easy to fall into these traps and not even realize it.

There are five keys to moving out of negative thought patterns and into the territory of greater happiness and success:

Get really fed up. That may be a surprising key, but think about it. Until you are really sick and tired of being sick and tired of how things are going in your life, you are not likely to reach the point of doing anything about it.
Choose to hold yourself accountable. Stop blaming other people and circumstances for your negative thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Embrace the fact that it is not only you who is responsible for what you are currently creating, promoting, and allowing in your life, but you are the only person who has the power to change the direction of your life. Sure, you might be inspired by someone else, but you are the captain of your own ship and will either continue to repeat the same negative patterns on autopilot, make a half-hearted effort to change, or you will one day recognize the power you have to change it all.
Excavate your most fundamental beliefs about yourself. Get intimate with yourself and be ruthlessly honest about how you really feel about yourself. Start with the questions at the beginning of this article and probe deeper with your own inquiries until you are satisfied that you are looking at the truth about how you see yourself.
Change your mind about yourself. I know, easier said than done — but this will not happen without your intention and commitment to set yourself on a healthier and happier course. Do you treat yourself like someone who deserves to be loved, honored, and cherished? If not, why not? How would your life be different if you actually treated yourself in this way?
Be willing to fake it ’til you make it. Change doesn’t happen overnight, and habitual negative patterns of behavior will persist until you stop investing in them. So starve them off and fan the fire of a new and uplifting way of seeing yourself.

Neuroscientists have helped us to understand our freedom and adaptability to changing our individual and collective beliefs and behaviors. Simply put, repetitive thoughts form neural pathways in our brains, as neurons that fire together get wired together. These pathways become like superhighways — the autopilot route traveled. Unless we challenge our thought patterns, they become an unconscious “truth” we live by. The good news is that our brains have the ability to change our synaptic wiring. This “neuroplasticity” enables us to question and change our way of being for better or worse both as individuals and as a society. Use this information to your own advantage by rerouting your superhighways if they aren’t taking you where you want to go.

It is also important to be willing to consider that just because you believe something doesn’t make it true. In reality, most of our beliefs are inherited from other people — parents, religious leaders, teachers, our culture, etc. For example, in my current work to help transform the culture of death in America, I speak and write about the fact that we are taught to fear death and to consider it something that shouldn’t happen. This belief is deeply imbedded in our cultural response to death, and is the cause of much of the pain and suffering experienced in relationship to death. In contrast, those who have achieved some level of existential maturity about the normalcy of death and accept its reality are not only spared the suffering associated with denying and resisting death, but are free to consider other ways of relating to death. For example, they may find life itself sweeter and more precious knowing that time is limited.

Another consideration is the fact that many of the conclusions we reached about ourselves as children or the defense mechanisms we put in place in reaction to those things we couldn’t handle as kids have remained unchallenged autopilot settings of our adult behavior. It is always a good idea to do some spring cleaning in your mind — especially if you are unhappy, feeling hopeless, falling into addictions, or otherwise decreasing your health and vitality. Sometimes you just need to update your software.

Be patient with the process of change. You may have to just keep going deeper until you get to the real root of why you believe what you do. Many years ago, I worked with a woman who was always blaming and judging others for her constant state of depression and misery. Other people, and especially her “friends,” were perpetual sources of disappointment for her. They never seemed to measure up to her ideal of how they “should” behave, which was of course how she would do things — “the right way.” She had no tolerance or appreciation for the nuances of life. Everything was either “right” or “wrong.” Ironically, those behaviors she disapproved of were always where she was placing her focus and expending her energy in resistance and judgment. No wonder she was always so disappointed, disapproving, and disconnected until she finally learned to hold herself accountable for her unhappiness.

It can be humbling to admit our own culpability for our unhappiness, but it’s the only path to personal liberation. Greater happiness awaits — so eat a little humble pie and get on with it! You have the power to believe your heart’s desires into existence.

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December 27, 2016/by Judith Johnson

Consciousness/Thriving

Cooperation: The Second Law of Spirit

Cooperation, the second law of spirit, is the proverbial wisdom of making lemonade when you have lemons. You might have been in the mood for ginger ale, but what you have is lemons. So either you go to where the ginger ale is and fulfill that desire, or you stay where you are and make the best darn lemonade you ever had. The key to cooperation is working with what is present rather than working against it with negative expressions of dissatisfaction, judgment, denial, and resistance.

When you encounter a situation and find yourself interpreting it as a matter of someone else hurting you or the situation being unfair to you in some way, try to find the space between the situation and your understanding of it. From that position of neutrality, consider the possibility that you are misreading the situation and that your suffering is a result of that rather than the situation itself. Life happens. Sometimes we like it and sometimes we don’t. When we suffer, it is usually because we are not accepting the situation (the first law of spirit) and therefore cannot move on to cooperating with it. Cooperation is only an option when you are in a state of acceptance. Rather than thinking the other person should change their point of view, consider expanding your perspective so that it is larger than your hurt. See if you can look with compassion at those involved with you and yourself and recognize that you are all doing the best you can and sometimes we bump into each other in unpleasant ways. Cooperation is about responding to those situations in a kind and responsible way for the highest good of all concerned. And that’s not always easy.

Did you ever notice how much easier it is to cooperate with something you like than something you don’t? Yet, even in our enthusiasm, we can sometimes go off the deep end and be out of sync with others involved in the situation. Cooperation is something you do inside yourself, not something you demand or expect from others. It is about achieving balance inside of you and acting from that place.

The key to cooperation is to be of good cheer (or get to good cheer as soon as you can) and to go with the flow of whatever circumstances you find yourself in. Does this mean being passive? Absolutely not! Quite the contrary. It means being fully conscious and responsible for the choices you make and the impact of your behavior on yourself and others.

Consider the following situation I found myself in recently. For two weeks I had been trying to get an appointment with my hairdresser. She offered me a date when I had another commitment, and we went back and forth on emails to no avail. She kept giving me reasons why she couldn’t accommodate me and no options for when she could. I was not of good cheer when I wrote back letting her know that as a client for over 15 years, I was not pleased. I asked if perhaps I was failing to pick up on a hint that I should be looking for a new hairdresser. Her answer, still offering no appointment times, simply said that I wasn’t alone in not being able to get an appointment. Clearly I was getting nowhere with her, and was moving farther and farther away from my good cheer. In anger, I contemplated calling my previous hairdresser. Then I caught myself. I was neither accepting the situation nor cooperating with it. No wonder I was angry! So I ate a little humble pie and admitted to myself that it was neither the situation nor my hairdresser that was responsible for my distress. I caused that all by myself! I forgave myself for getting caught up in this state of affairs and chose to find my way out by first establishing acceptance inside myself. The facts were simple — I wanted an appointment and my hairdresser was unable to accommodate me. Instead of getting mad about it and making her wrong, I decided to look at my options. My hair looked awful and I was going on a trip and needed the psychological lift of an overdue good haircut. Besides, it is wedding season and I need my hair to look good for officiating wedding ceremonies. As I thought this through, I noticed that my anger was gone. I was able to see that it was the cut, not the color, that was most needed. So, I did make an appointment with my previous hairdresser, who happens to also be a friend, and she gave me the haircut I’ve been wanting for months. Then I returned from my trip and found an email from my regular hairdresser to have my hair colored the next day. Pretty good, huh?

Things seem to have a way of working out when we are not spewing forth a lot of negative thoughts, behaviors, and energy. So next time you find yourself resisting your reality, see if you can step free of your point of view and observe the situation from a position of neutrality. All kinds of possibilities and opportunities are visible from an impartial stance that are imperceptible from a biased point of view.

One of the most beautiful things about cooperation is that it allows others to have their needs met as well. That means there can be multiple winners and no one has to lose. In the example of my need for a haircut, I got a great cut, my usual hairdresser got me off her back, and my previous hairdresser got the satisfaction of giving me a great cut and we had the opportunity to spend some time together in our busy lives. That’s a lot of winning. So, next time you get caught in a situation where you are hurt and unhappy, look for a pathway out of it that leads to as much winning as possible for all concerned.

I hope you will tune in next week for the third law of spirit — understanding. Until then, I look forward to your responses and reactions to this piece.