Sometimes, seemingly out of left field, your partner becomes someone you don’t recognize. An invisible line gets crossed and you find yourself being treated like his or her enemy or someone they are disinterested in rather than as their cherished partner. One minute everything seems fine and the next you don’t recognize this person inhabiting your loved one’s body. What do you do? Is it a passing, but forgivable, mood? Or is something bigger going on here? Is it time to pack your bags? Time to stand up for yourself? Or is it time to work on your relationship together? The fact of the matter is there are no hard and fast rules here except to pay attention, hold your own counsel, and trust your gut.

Chances are when things get this out of hand it’s because neither of you have developed effective enough communication skills to be really heard by each other. When communications are running smoothly – even when you have very different points of view, and emotions and stakes are high – both parties are concerned not only for their own preferences, but for the health of the relationship and the well-being of their partner as well.

The bottom line is that a marriage or partnership can only be as healthy as the two people involved. Since there are no perfect people, there are no perfect relationships. Most of us have never learned how to have healthy disagreements and therefore end up either fighting for our own point of view or withdrawing from the conversation. This kind of fight or flight response carries with it two very dangerous consequences. First, it triggers a primitive physiological response where our blood flows to our extremities and quite literally renders us less brainpower with which to work. Secondly, it places us in an adversarial response mode where we view our partner and his or her different point of view as the enemy we are fighting against or fleeing from. When it gets to this point anything your partner says other than “you’re right” will be rejected and just add fuel to the fire.

As we move through our lives, our behavior in relationships is a powerful and accurate mirror and feedback mechanism for us to see ourselves in action. Unfortunately, when the going gets tough, too many of us project our own imbalances out onto our partner and end up lashing out by blaming and judging them or withdrawing our caring. The idea of bearing responsibility for our own part of the dysfunction by recognizing our own fears and unmet needs and going to work on them gets lost in the shuffle. If you come into the relationship with dysfunctions (which we all do), sooner or later they are going to be acted out. We are complex, multi-dimensional beings and from birth to death, whether or not we are in primary relationships with other people, we will always be in relationship with ourselves. What this means is we need to take responsibility for our own health and well-being physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When we do that, we have a far better chance of having healthy relationships with others.

Here’s an example. John and Mary have been together for a few years and both seem to really want their relationship to last. There are minor irritations and grievances here and there, but they always seem to work things out. Then Mary becomes increasingly stressed out about some other aspect of her life and her stress starts spilling over onto their relationship. She becomes short-tempered, judgmental, and emotionally unavailable to John. Then one day, she lashes out at John with an overblown reaction fueled by a litany of past, unresolved grievances she has been building resentment over. John is blind-sided. He doesn’t recognize himself as this awful person with whom Mary is so furious. Stunned in the moment, he doesn’t have a clue what to do. Clearly, there is no talking to Mary when she is worked up like this. So, he retreats and starts running all her accusations through his mind and starts to doubt himself, reasoning that she knows him better than anyone else, so maybe she’s right – maybe he is the terrible, selfish, inconsiderate loaf she is making him out to be. But, another voice in his head is probably saying “No, I’m not that person and I don’t recognize Mary when she acts like this and am wondering what I am doing with someone like this.”

So, what are their options. Unless either or both of them move past their myopic self concerns and consider the impact their discord is having on each other and the relationship there is probably little that can be done. They will either wear themselves out or wear their partner down and possibly kiss and make up until it happens again. Maybe one or the other will hit their limit and decide they are better off out of the relationship then in it and leave. Alternatively, they will get professional help to learn how to recognize their own dysfunctions in action and to resolve their differences in a healthy manner.

I do not believe that either the longevity of a relationship or a lack of disagreements is a sound indicator of its health. People stay in relationships for all kinds of good and bad reasons and many stay together far longer than is in either partner’s best interest.

Whether a couple is married or not, the choice to be a couple inherently suggests a level of commitment to care about the well-being of your partner and the health of the relationship. Each couple needs to carefully consider the nature of their relationship commitment. For example, in the traditional marriage vow are they pledging to be together until the death of one or the other’s body or the death of the relationship itself?

When in doubt, pay attention, hold your own counsel, trust your gut and see where that leads you. If you believe that you and your partner will be able to learn and use healthier communication skills – go for it. If not, cut your losses, learn your own lessons, and move on.

When was the last time you challenged your own beliefs? When I work with couples to design their wedding ceremonies, I always ask them how they were raised in terms of religion and spirituality and where they are now in those terms in their lives. I have always been in awe of the deep questions regarding human existence – What is the purpose of our lives? What about God? If you believe in the existence of God, then how do you live your life as a true reflection of that belief? In working with couples, I am sad to discover how few have truly probed questions like these. Many label themselves as affiliated with a particular religious tradition, yet do not actively participate in its practices.

So, who are you in these terms? And, what do you believe? Do you actually breathe life into your beliefs by living according to the precepts of your tradition? I was in the airport recently and saw a family eating their homemade sandwiches together. They didn’t dress like the rest of us. Their clothes were humble and homemade, the grown and young girls wore their hair in pigtails, the mother wore no makeup, they had no cellphones or electronic games – they simply had each other. They prayed together before eating and I witnessed a loving camaraderie of interconnectivity between them all. Each of our lives is strongly informed by the presence or absence of our parents’ religious or spiritual worldview. Some of us sustain these traditions for the rest of our lives with varying degrees of personal passion, while others rebel against them or find a different perspective that seems to suit us better.

Regarding belief or disbelief in God, Pascal’s Wager offers an interesting perspective. He knew that reason was not the basis upon which one could establish the existence or non-existence of God. However, he recognized that the act of believing or disbelieving had certain predictable outcomes. In the case of one who believes in God, there are two possibilities. If God does not exist, the believer has perhaps been comforted by his or her belief, but is eternally unaffected. In the event of God’s existence, according to Pascal, the believer will be blessed by what he called ‘eternal salvation’ or what I might call alignment with God’s will. For the non-believer there are also two possible outcomes as well. If God does not exist, the non-believer suffers no real consequences other than the smugness of being ‘right’ having taken an unpopular position. If God does exist, Pascal reasoned that the non-believer
would face eternal damnation. His conclusion? Given the options of facing either no consequences or hell as a non-believer or no consequences or heaven as a believer, Pascal reasoned that it makes sense to open oneself to faith.

So, if for no other reason than to hedge one’s eternal bets, those who have never really explored the deeper questions of life’s purpose and the existence or absence of God and what all that means, exploring this terrain appears to be a wise investment of time and attention.

I have explored these questions for most of my life and been richly comforted by the beliefs that have resonated most deeply within me. My personal beliefs are not relevant here, but the experience of finding my truth has been one of my most treasured experiences. I regularly challenge my beliefs and they guide and comfort me each and every day. I encourage you to take stock of your beliefs. Are they alive within you or passive, intellectual concepts? Do you extend the freedom of belief to others? Or do you find it necessary to try to convince them that they are wrong and you are right? I do not believe that one set of beliefs is suitable for us all. Rather, it seems to me that we are each evolving in our own ways and what makes sense from one person’s perspective may seem ridiculous or wrong to another. I think it is important to remember that different reference points yield different points of view and if you stood in another’s shoes, you would most likely see and believe as they do. Tolerance and respect for our differences is essential to shared peace in this world.

So, what do you believe? And, are you able to extend the freedom of belief to others by honoring your differences? If not, why not?

If you are one of those people who dreads the holidays or simply does not want to experience a repeat performance of holidays past, this article is for you.  Preparing for the holidays is not just about eating food, buying presents, and making travel arrangements.  The kind of holiday season you will have is not primarily determined by who you are with, how they behave, and what presents you receive.  

The #1 key to enjoying the holidays is choosing to be an active, conscious participant and not a passive, unconscious victim.

What you do in your inner mental and emotional kingdom will determine whether you suffer through yet another holiday or do your best to ensure that you optimize your chances to have a delightful time.  Blaming and judging others for your dissatisfaction keeps you stuck in your unhappiness.  If you want to create, promote, and allow yourself to sing a different tune this year, you have to get in the driver’s seat to make that happen.

Empower yourself, not others, to determine the quality of your experience.

I remember shopping in Filene’s Basement in Boston once and the memory still makes me giggle while also reminding me of one of life’s most powerful lessons.  A woman asked her friend what she would tell her husband about all the things she was buying.  The friend replied, “I’m just going to tell him the devil made me do it.”  Well, just where was that devil and how is it that he or she had the power to take over that woman’s personal authority and responsibility for her own actions?  Too many of us play victim over the holidays disclaiming responsibility for our actions and experiences.  We tell ourselves we have no will power to resist all the treats and temptations.  We feel sorry for ourselves when we don’t feel loved and cared for by those with whom we share the festivities, or we feel left out because we have no invitations to be anywhere we really want to be.  Often, we think we are the only one in that situation.  When we are with our family, we often revert to the dysfunctional roles we played with each other during our childhood.  Many of us get depressed because this holiday season shows no promise of being wonderful.

What to do?  Here’s a plan to renovate your holiday experience:

Step One: Set a Clear Intention to Give Yourself a Good Holiday Experience:  Don’t commit to trying to do it differently.  Commit to doing it differently.  Make your own needs and happiness important to yourself and commit to doing your very best to take care of yourself.

Step Two: Assess Your Options and Set Realistic Expectations:  If you have been stuck in a rut of feeling obligated to spend your holidays with people you don’t enjoy being with, then your options will be far different from those of someone whose loved one has just died.  Survey your situation.  First ask yourself, “what do I really expect is going to happen this holiday season?”  Be ruthlessly honest with yourself because your expectations are the foundation upon which your experience will be built.  They are self-fulfilling prophecies of what is to come.  It’s kind of insidious, but what we believe to be true has power.  Beliefs function like a screening mechanism whereby we prove ourselves to be right.  If you tell yourself that unpleasant circumstances, situations, and events will repeat themselves, they will – because that’s the only option you believe is available to you.   Alternatively, you can anticipate the challenges and temptations you will encounter, and choose to create a happier holiday as a gift to yourself.

From where you stand right now, what are you anticipating your holiday season to bring your way?  What about it looks good to you and what looks dreadful?  Have you experienced those dreadful things in the past?  How well did you handle them? With 20/20 hindsight and ruthless honesty, do you see anything you might do differently that could yield a better experience for you?  Were you on autopilot reacting to your experiences or were you really staying present in the moment trying different strategies to improve your experience?  If you can’t think of any alternative ways of experiencing the same old challenges, imagine someone you consider to be savvy and outstanding at handling these kinds of situations.  What would he or she do?  Are you willing to step outside your comfort zone and try something new or would you rather just suffer through it all again?

If you are particularly tender-hearted due to the death of a loved one or some other sensitive new experience in your life, be honest with yourself about what you really need.   Maybe everyone else’s well-intended concern for your well-being is more than you can bear right now.  Maybe you’d just like to be alone and let the holidays pass uneventfully.  It’s OK.

Let the filter through which you assess your options be about your true needs rather than any concern for what others might think.  Have the courage to trust your own instincts rather than trying to please others by following tradition or doing what you think they expect.

Step Thee:  Get Creative and Bold: Be proactive.  Here are some of the things you might do differently:

Find a new place to belong.  Think of someone with whom you’d really like to spend the holiday.  Let them know why it would be meaningful to you and ask if it’s possible.  If not, think of someone else.  If you end up with yourself that need not be a lonely option.

Spend the holidays in service to others.  Whose holiday might you make brighter?  Is there an organization in your area that you would like to help?  Is there someone you know who could use your loving kindness?

Consider a feast for one.  Some of my favorite Thanksgiving Day memories are from creating and eating an entire feast for one and having fabulous leftovers for days.

Let the holiday pass uneventfully.  If there is no one available you would really love to be with and don’t want to be bothered with holiday activities, honor that as the right choice and not a “poor me” scenario.

Host your own holiday.  Rather than being someone else’s guest, take the initiative to be the architect of a holiday with you as the host(ess).

Give yourself a lavish holiday for one.  Maybe that means travelling to somewhere exotic or decorating your home over the top and buying yourself lots of presents that you wrap rivaling Martha Stewart’s finest work.

Be with the same people, but do it very differently.  Sometimes, drastic measures are called for.  If you have a family member or fellow participant who treats you as though you are emitting a really bad odor, practice not letting his or her negativity in.  This may take a lot of effort and time to perfect.  Consider new strategies like praying for you both, distracting yourself into being helpful to your host(ess), having meaningful exchanges with others, and minimizing the opportunities for this person’s behavior to infect your experience.  It all helps.  And, you may find it all too tiresome to continue being in this person’s company and decide to go in another direction entirely.

Trust your intuition about what is right for you no matter how different from what other people think you should do.  If you find yourself not experiencing a strong sense of belonging anywhere but with yourself or feel more like an observer of other people’s festivities rather than a real participant, break free of obligations.  Be grateful for being invited, but maybe it’s time to strike out on your own.

The bottom line is to give yourself the holiday experience that is just right for you.  Do what is meaningful to you and be with people who appreciate you.  Some might view this as self-indulgent, but I see it as taking responsibility for warming the cockles of your own sweet heart.  Happy holidays everyone!

 

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

If you would like to suggest a topic for a future blog or ask me to address a particular situation or issue, please email me at judithjohnson@hvc.rr.com

To view a more extensive archive of my articles, visit me on the Huffington Post at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-johnson

 

(Image courtesy of Lindsay Mumma on http://www.trianglecrc.com/blog/holiday-stress/)