Archive for month: December, 2016

Embracing the Truth of the Permanently Impermanent

Whenever we view something as permanent, reliable and unchangeable, we eventually find that time or the alteration of the parameters of our perspective reveal an underlying impermanence. For example, many people say that the only things one can count on are death and taxes. However, those who believe in reincarnation refute the finality of death and many escape from the inevitability of taxes through loopholes. Even gravity, which we take as a given on planet Earth, is not universal in outer space. The very cells of our bodies regenerate on a regular basis.

In the physical world, we think of rocks and mountains as immutable. Yet, vast changes happen over time. A beach you went to as a child may have since disappeared, and over millions of years the erosion by the Colorado River created the Grand Canyon.

It is unfortunate that whatever we are inclined to see as constant in the natural world eventually inspires us to exploit it. Conceivably, concern for the precarious nature of our lives motivates us to conquer our environment so that we may experience the thrill of control and triumph. What is it that makes the pervasive impermanence in our lives so frightening? Maybe it is because it is so non-negotiable and therefore seems to undermine our self-importance.

Emotionally, many of us yearn for permanence by seeking to alter the terms and conditions of our lives. We dream of utopias where only good and happy things come our way. We want financial security and happy families, good health, and access to the fountain of youth. When we find a deep and abiding friendship or love, we want it to retain its intensity and deliciousness. Often, we resort to manipulating our loved ones and ourselves to perpetuate the exhilaration. Yet the tighter our grip, the faster its fleet.

What becomes permanent is often only that which has solidified in our minds — our prejudices, habits, beliefs and inclinations. But, like rock, these too can be altered if we use wisdom. However, as long as our myopic vision persists, we tend to live in a fixed, uncompromising relationship with the world around us. Those who disagree with us are likely to be perceived as wrong, their viewpoints discredited as inferior and therefore not meriting consideration. Such a dynamic all too often rules our politics and our most intimate relationships. When we live this way it is as though we dance a rigid box step rather than fluidly and expansively expressing our being.

Thomas Jefferson thought that truth and beauty were immutable. Ironically, this cannot be objectively proven since the non-material is experienced subjectively through our inner awareness and experience. One’s beliefs and point of view may seem validated by similar observations or experiences of others, but such proof is a personal, not a collective matter. So, perhaps it is not truth and beauty themselves that are permanent, but rather our quest for them and our desire to transfix them.

There is, of course, another way of relating to the impermanence of our lives. Although we live in an outer world that is defined by time and space, the air we breathe and the sights we see, we also live in an inner world of reactions to our reality in the form of the mental constructs and emotional patterns we create. For example, when I get a hair permanent, it only lasts three or four months despite its name. Yet, I resent this and feel that it should last longer. Ah, there’s that red flag word “should” — a sure sign that those who use it do not accept the present circumstances of their lives. When we use “should” we disapprove, resist, and resent that we must live as mere mortals and tolerate what we do not like. Ironically, we become attached to those things we resist.

However, when we harness our discomforts differently, we may use them as steppingstones to attain a more mature state of consciousness. Recognizing that within our interior world we have a far greater opportunity to change the quality of our lives. By merely altering our external circumstances, we learn to focus on our reactions rather than on what we are reacting to. Instead of ranting, raving and resisting that which is unpleasant or outside our control, we can surrender into and embrace the experience. This has two primary benefits. First, it allows us to disconnect our sense of well-being from our ability to manipulate and control the outside world. Second, it teaches us how to create a sense of inner well-being by tuning into the fact that each characteristic of the world we live in also teaches us how to live in relationship with it. For example, the duality of permanence and impermanence offers us a lesson in patience, surrender, cooperation and acceptance.

Consider, for example, that our society teaches that marriage should last forever. Yet, over half end in divorce and so the parameters of “forever” have changed. At the turn of the 20th century, due to a shorter life expectancy, “forever” might have lasted only 20 to 30 years. Today, “forever” for a first marriage entered in the 20s, might mean as long as 60 or 70 years. Given our changing gender roles and our tendency to resist different points of view, the expectation of permanence of relationships might not be a realistic goal for most couples, despite their religious beliefs. Some find it wiser to accept the precarious nature of relationships and seek longevity not through rigid roles and rules, but by learning to shoot the rapids of life together. By balancing their strengths and weaknesses, cultivating curiosity, accepting each other’s differences, and learning to compromise and cooperate, they are able to build inner flexibility and strength as individuals and the bond of their love grows stronger as it matures. In so doing, whether their marriage lasts a short time or a lifetime, the quality of their experience is greatly enriched and valued more dearly than the duration of the relationship.

Since impermanence is the only permanent feature of our lives on planet Earth, we ought to work with it rather than against it. Embracing change might be the greatest stress reducer we’ll ever find.

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If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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Why Hospitals Are the Worst Place to Be When You Are Sick (Part 2)

I am deeply grateful for the outpouring of compassion as well as the wealth of information I received from readers in response to my recent post, “Why Hospitals Are the Worst Place to Be When You Are Sick.” The spread of infections in hospitals has reached epidemic proportions. In this followup, I want to share some of the resources that were shared with me in emails from readers.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have identified hospital-acquired infections as the fourth leading cause of death in the United States. The CDC reported that in 2002, nearly 100,000 people died with a hospital-acquired infection (HAI), while an estimated 1.7 million people became infected. All in all, more people die per year in the U.S. with an HAI than from AIDS, breast cancer and car accidents combined.

A report published by the CDC in 2009 estimates that HAIs cost the U.S. healthcare system between $28 and $33 billion per year. Costs are such that Business Week recently identified “stopping infections in hospitals” as one of the top five methods for controlling healthcare costs.

Despite attempts to control the spread of infection, HAIs continue to wreak havoc in U.S. hospitals. The Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality (AHRQ) is the lead Federal agency charged with improving the quality, safety, efficiency and effectiveness of our healthcare. The 2009 AHRQ National Healthcare Quality Report established that hospital-acquired infections are “the most common complication of hospital care.”

In describing the scope of this problem, one reader wrote:

These infections are what’s known as antibiotic resistant pathogens or superbugs. They include Staph, MRSA, C. Diff, HIV, herpes, VRE, e. Coli, Salmonella, Norovirus, Avian Influenza A, Listeria, Acinetobacter, Rhinovirus and others. These pathogens are becoming more prevalent throughout the entire world than one could imagine. We are on the doorstep of growing a worldwide epidemic with Hospital acquired infections (HAI’s) rising at an alarming rate. A new one called NDM-1 that is believed to have originated in New Delhi was discovered mid-2010 and has now spread into many countries, killing hundreds of people. But the scary thing is that there may not be an antibiotic to kill it. So what do you do, then, when there are no successful antibiotic treatments?

New Technologies

Thankfully, the answer may be found in some of the new technologies that are being developed to combat hospital acquired infections. As one reader explained:

The World Health Organization (WHO) and the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) insist on hand sanitation at bedside in acute care facilities, each and every time healthcare workers are about to be touch the patient or his surroundings, because the hands carry infection-causing pathogens which must be inactivated to assure patient safety. The current approaches — hand washing with soap and use of alcohol rubs — have limited germicidal effectiveness, take too long (minutes for hand washing, 30 seconds for rubs) and irritate the hands due to persistent contact dermatitis, so they cannot be practically used in the WHO defined mode. Moreover, no supplier to date has come up with a means to re-sterilize gloved hands, after donning and during use, which are also vectors for transmission of dangerous germs in both the OR and the ICU. This remains an unbroken infection-causing pathway.

Here are three organizations bringing forward new technologies:

Germgard Lighting, LLC . Germgard’s technology pipeline enables a multi-tiered approach to infection prevention. Included are a UV-C technology; cost-effective bare and gloved hand sanitation process; a gas-based, room temperature medical instrument sterilization process; as well as new surface cleaning and air sterilization technologies.

IV-7 Ultimate Germ Defense. This hard surface disinfectant is currently being tested at John Hopkins Hospital. The technology is based on development of a new molecule claimed to be an effective, safe and non-toxic method of eradicating surface contaminants. The company claims that it:

  • Provides 24-hour residual killing ability
  • Will be awarded a Level 4 Toxicity Rating from the US EPA (no other product has received this rating in over 30 years)
  • Will be validated that all the bacteria, viruses and fungi cannot become resistant to it.

Bio-Intervention Specialists . This company is dedicated to saving lives and reducing the costs associated with hospital infections. They have just received EPA registration for a new disinfecting technology that they claim is less toxic than toothpaste, environmentally friendly, yet powerful enough to kill even the toughest microbes (such as MRSA and C. diff spores) found in hospital environments. Third party efficacy and toxicity testing over the past two years has demonstrated that Electro-BioCide is entirely different from commonly used disinfectants because its kill mechanism is electrical, not chemical. As such, third party testing has demonstrated a complete kill of microbes such as MRSA and Pseudomonas in less than 30 seconds. This greatly reduces the chance for the mutation of organisms.

Patient Advocacy Resources

The Informed Patient Institute . This is an independent nonprofit organization that provides credible online information about healthcare quality and patient safety for consumers. They rate the usefulness of online health care report cards, starting with nursing homes and physicians, and provide tip sheets about what to do if you have a concern about quality in a hospital, nursing home or physician’s office.

Consumer’s Union’s Safe Patient Project. This group seeks to eliminate medical harm in our health care system through public disclosure of health care outcomes (such as hospital-acquired infection rates and incidents of medical errors) and information about health care providers (such as complaints against and license violations of physicians and hospitals). The campaign also works to improve drug safety by ensuring that consumers have full information about prescription drugs (such as in direct-to-consumer ads and access to clinical trial results), by strengthening oversight of the FDA and by ending practices that create conflicts of interest (such as drug company gifts to doctors).

The Empowered Patient Coalition. This nonprofit organization was created by patient advocates devoted to helping the public improve the quality and the safety of their healthcare, with an emphasis on high quality information and education. For example, the coalition has developed a detailed and comprehensive patient guide to hospital care which will give consumers a blue print for interacting with the health care system in ways that are safe, successful and empowering. The consumer and the patient advocate will learn how to reduce the odds of experiencing medical error and hospital-acquired infection and understand the tremendous impact they can have on patient safety and health care quality.

Books

Elizabeth L. Bewley‘s new book, “Killer Cure: Why Health Care is the Second Leading Cause of Death in America and How to Ensure That It’s Not Yours,” is focused on driving change so that health care’s purpose stops being “to deliver tests and treatments” and starts being “to enable people to lead the lives they want.” According to Publishers Weekly, this book includes useful statistics, references, a guide for further reading and excellent suggestions for patients.

Bart Windrum‘s “Notes from the Waiting Room: Managing a Loved One’s (End-of-Life) Hospitalization” offers an intelligent and heartfelt examination of what interferes with having the kind of peaceful life’s ending that most of us say we want. This is a constructive, engaging and challenging critique of the institutionalized confusion around end-of-life goals, deeply held values and biotechnology.

If you have additional resources you would like to share, please do so in the comment section of this article, so others may learn about them as well.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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Why Hospitals Are The Worst Place To Be When You Are Sick (Part 1)

Serving as primary caregiver to my mother during the last six months of her life was my first prolonged and intimate encounter with the healthcare system. I was shocked and deeply disturbed to discover the many ways that our healthcare system dishonors, alienates and harms our loved ones entrusted to it. I can only hope that healthcare reform will eliminate the reasons why nurses and other healthcare workers repeatedly giggle dismissively as they say that hospitals are the worst place to be if you are sick, that they are hotbeds for infection.

The truth of this comment rendered me helpless to rescue my mother from an insidious downward spiral as she fell victim to the infections that ran rampant in a local hospital. I do not believe that our hospital was unique in this regard, but rather representative of a growing and deadly problem. Completely unrelated to the diagnosis for which my mother was admitted, she was exposed to one infection after another. Each one was treated with an antibiotic that, in turn, lowered her immune defenses. This rendered her vulnerable to other infections, treated by other antibiotics, and so on, and so on, until she finally died as a result.

Within my mother’s first week in the hospital, she had succumbed to her first two infections: a urinary tract Infection (thanks to the admitting nurse, who did not wear gloves while catheterizing her) and thrush — an infection of the mouth caused by the Candida fungus. The inconsistent adherence to procedures known to minimize the spread of infections appeared to be the combined result of a lack of enforcement and understaffing. It was incomprehensible to me how such a state of affairs could become so commonplace as to be laughed at and dismissed. To me, it was outrageous and completely unacceptable.

I began to wonder how much of the money changing hands in the healthcare and pharmaceutical industries is traceable to the institutional breeding of infections that prolong hospitalizations, debilitate patients and require extensive testing and drug therapies. Looking over the bills for my mother’s last six months of hospitalization and home care, over 90 percent of her medical expenses were attributable to infections that she shouldn’t have gotten in the first place. What is wrong with a healthcare system that makes patients sicker, due to inadequate enforcement of sanitary control measures, while drug companies thrive on the revenues generated by new drugs that are designed to treat these infections?

The only preventive measures I saw were the inconsistent use of the hand washing liquid at the entrance of every patient room and the gowns, gloves and masks used when entering the room of patients known to be contagious. These supplies often ran out without timely replenishment, causing people to enter patient rooms without these precautions.

With overworked nurses and aides, infected patients simply got less care. Rather than running in and out of the rooms of infected patients as needed, nurses and aides would group their patient care tasks into fewer visits. The use of the gowns and gloves were often casual at best. Nurses and aides would hang a gown on the patient’s door and reuse the same gown to save time in serving these patients. It was not uncommon to see medical personnel without gloves leaving an infected patient’s room and going directly into another patient’s room.

Visitors were neither monitored effectively nor properly informed of the importance of infection control precautions. However, it was the doctors who most frequently violated the required protocols; I couldn’t help but wonder if they thought these procedures were beneath them. So, the infections go round and round, compromising the health and recovery of patients, while the pharmaceutical and healthcare companies thrive at their expense.

Infection Specialists were brought in on my mother’s case. She was treated with massive doses of a variety of antibiotics and steroids for her recurring urinary tract infection, frequent bouts with Thrush, three major episodes of parotid gland infections and ongoing battles with a staph infection called MRSA (Methicilllin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus). In older adults and people who are ill, MRSA can weaken the immune system, causing serious skin and soft tissue infections, a serious form of pneumonia and, if not treated properly, can be fatal. She also contracted C. diff (Clostridium difficile), which is spread by the over-growth of C. diff spores — usually due to antibiotic therapy. The antibiotics one might be taking for another kind of infection kill all bacteria in the intestines, allowing this one to over-grow. It can also be spread by hands through direct or indirect contact with contaminated surfaces. Like MRSA, C. diff is a bacterial infection that has become resistant to many antibiotics and is prone to frequent relapses when antibiotics are withdrawn. Infectious disease doctors tend to play hit or miss with their mini-arsenal of antibiotics and steroids in an attempt to keep infections under control. In my mother’s case, these infections never really went away.

My mother had entered the hospital with a head injury from a fall that healed beautifully. She remained in the hospital due to the barrage of infections that bombarded, ravaged and debilitated her. The complacency about hospitals being breeding grounds for infection was painfully evident in the written remarks of my mother’s primary care physician in her discharge papers. He wrote such statements as, “Patient had an uneventful hospital course,” and, “Patient’s stay at the hospital was unremarkable.” What does it take to be eventful and remarkable?

I share my story for two primary reasons. The first is my hope that it will add fuel to the fire of those seeking corrective action. It is simply not OK that hospitals are the worst place to be when you are sick! My second reason is to keep a promise I made to my mother as we walked through the valley of the shadow of death together. When we felt helpless and hopeless, my mother would reach out and grab my arm, look deep into my eyes and, as only a mother can do, elicited a promise from me that I would write articles about what we experienced as “healthcare” in America.

Please join me in being outraged by and intolerant of this situation in our hospitals and other “healthcare” facilities. Let your voice be heard on this one. Complain when you observe unsanitary conditions in healthcare facilities, follow the protocols for infection control and report any breaches of protocol you observe. We deserve and are capable of better than this.

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If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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Keeping The Doors Of Love Open In Your Relationship

I am meeting with a lot of couples these days regarding officiating at their wedding ceremonies, as May to October is high season for weddings. The wedding industry has become so commercialized that we often forget what the hoopla is all about. While planning for their wedding day, most couples spend at least 90 percent of their energy focusing on the reception. Yet whether custom-designing their ceremony or planning a traditional religious ritual, it is the ceremony that is the real heart of the matter. The entire day — the gathering of friends and family, the fancy clothes and feast — are all happening because these two people have found each other and are pledging to love, honor and cherish one another for the rest of their lives.

The sad truth is that at least half of these happy couples will end up divorced. It seems that loving, honoring and cherishing each other is easier said than done. These three expressions of our caring are activities, not just nice concepts. They must be engaged in each and every day to keep a marriage healthy and dynamic.

One of the greatest keys to creating the kind of environment where loving, honoring and cherishing each other will occur is captured in my favorite wedding ring exchange. It symbolizes the true essence of a successful marriage. Each partner places a ring on the other’s finger only up to the knuckle while pledging his/her love. Next, the recipient takes the ring over the knuckle and acknowledges receipt of the gift of the other’s love. In this way, each one acknowledges that he or she is the giver and the receiver of love. This signifies the fact that in order for the exchange of love between two people to remain alive and vibrant, four things have to be happening at once. Each partner must openly give his or her love to the other while also remaining open to receive the love of the other. Again, this is easier said than done.

When the wedding has passed and time marches on, couples are left to figure out how to keep the four doors of love open in order for them both to feel safe and nurtured in the love they share. It behooves us all to pay far greater attention to the responsibility we have taken on through our promises in the wedding vows. They are not simply pretty words; they represent sacred commitments, and it is important that we keep our promises. We do so, or not, through the choices we make and the behaviors we express moment by moment, day by day and year after year.

It’s easy to slam one of these symbolic doors shut when our partner disappoints us in some way. But when that becomes the normal way that we respond to each other, the trust, safety and foundation of the relationship is eroded. In time, alienation, judgments, distancing and hostility replace the love, trust and hopefulness that started the union.

In marriage, two people pledge to be there for each other — as partners and as flawed beings, through both the good times and the bad. That commitment gets tested by the winds of change, by fate, choices, personal vulnerabilities and circumstances. Next time your partner does something you don’t like, try doing these four things:

  1. Separate your reaction to your partner’s behavior from your loving support of the person. Let him or her know why you are disappointed, how the behavior impacts you and why you find it so upsetting.
  2. Affirm your love for your partner. Let him or her know that your doors of giving and receiving love are still open and that giving this feedback is part of that loving.
  3. If necessary, let your partner know that while he or she is welcome in your heart, the particular behavior, if a significant enough issue, may not be welcomed by you. Let them know what the consequences will be of continuing the behavior.
  4. Invite a discussion of what each of you can do individually and together to move through and past the problem.

If a couple has built a strong enough bond, most anything can be overcome together. Here’s an example: Let’s say you find out that your partner has been having an affair. Once you gather your wits enough to have a civil conversation or to write your partner a letter, try something like this:

I am devastated to find this out, and I hate that you did this to me and to our marriage. We promised to love, honor and cherish each other, and this behavior is none of those things. You have broken the deep bond of trust between us, and as a result I do not feel safe with you emotionally or sexually.

Our love is deeper than this behavior. Know that I love you and that is why I am standing here in front of you, wanting us to find a way through this together. I need you to know that any continuance of your affair is a further strike on your part against the sanctity of our marriage. I will not and cannot tolerate that. If you choose to continue your affair, I will recognize that as your choice to abandon our marriage.

If you choose to end your affair and would like to restore our marriage and work together to rebuild what has been broken, I am here. You have one week to make your choice. If you stay in our marriage, I would like us to seek professional help to guide us through the process of finding our way back to each other.

Notice in these three paragraphs, which could be spoken or written, you address all four doors of loving — the giving and receiving of love by both partners. If those four choices are not made, the love will not survive.

What are you doing, or what could you be doing differently to keep the doors of loving open in the relationships in your life?

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If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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10 Secrets to Creating the Perfect Wedding Ceremony

Most couples want a wedding ceremony that speaks to their unique values, beliefs and life circumstances, but beyond a few inspired ideas, many are at a loss about how to put it all together. Having designed and officiated at hundreds of wedding ceremonies, here are my 10 top secrets to creating the ceremony of your dreams:

1) Remember that the ceremony is a sacred ritual and the most important part of your wedding day.

The marriage ceremony is rich with traditions that cross cultural boundaries and date back to ancient times. If a contemporary marriage ceremony does not include this sacred dimension, it runs the risk of being little more than the creation of a legal union. Like digging a well to tap into the aquifer, a ceremony that draws upon the sacred dimension connects a couple into the mystery of two becoming.

2) The wedding ceremony is a theatrical production and you are the producers/directors.

A seamless wedding ceremony is a carefully choreographed production. This theatrical dimension requires balancing the creation of a meaningful ceremony with careful attention to the details. Thinking everything through ahead of time and having a thorough rehearsal allows the members of the wedding party to confidently perform their parts, which will make the ceremony appear effortless to your guests.

It’s important that you take charge. If you have advisors, let them guide you through what decisions need to be made and what your alternatives are, but don’t let them make decisions for you. Even when you have a bridal consultant, be sure that all decisions affecting the ceremony are made by you.

3) A great ceremony strikes a balance between personal expression and tradition.

The rules governing the content of a wedding ceremony are those of the church and state. Religious traditions have their own specific way of performing the wedding ceremony and may not be open to the idea of personalizing the ceremony for individual couples. State laws specify such things as the minimum age for brides and grooms, the need for a qualified officiant, and the speaking of vows in front of witnesses.

When a couple is getting married outside the auspices of a particular religious tradition, they are free to customize their ceremony as long as they honor the laws of the state where they are getting married.

Creating a wonderful ceremony is a matter of balancing the opportunity for expressing your uniqueness with the comfort of the common ground of tradition. Going too far in one direction or the other creates a ceremony that is memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Be careful not to throw away all the elements of tradition. For example, when presenting ceremonial elements in my book, “The Wedding Ceremony Planner,” I chose to loosely follow the structure of the wedding ceremony found in the Book of Common Prayer, since eighty percent of Americans are Christian. That is why this common root of Christian wedding ceremonies is so familiar to most people. It also provides a logical sequence of events that allows the ceremony to reach crescendo with the sharing of vows, the ring exchange, the final blessing, pronouncement, and the kiss. I recommend that couples put their signature on their ceremony in the content of the elements they choose to include rather than in their sequencing.

4) Make sure you and your ceremony officiant have a comfortable working relationship.

The role of the officiant in a traditional religious ceremony is governed in large part by the rules of that religion, while interfaith and ecumenical ministers have much more freedom to customize your ceremony with you. Remember that you get to choose who marries you, and it is very important that you have a comfortable working relationship with him or her. Our job as clergy is to guide you and to serve you, and some of us do a better job of that than others.

It is not uncommon for couples to be intimidated by members of the clergy. We have personalities, and strengths and weaknesses in how we perform our jobs, just like everyone else. You are entitled to an officiant who cares about you and wants to help you to create the wedding ceremony that is right for you, even if it means he or she needs to go above and beyond the call of duty.

5) Allow your ceremony to be unique, but not a cliché.

Some couples try too hard to be unique, and end up including elements in their ceremony that are either disappointing, cliché or offensive to some of their guests. For example, one couple planned to have butterflies released during their recessional. Unfortunately, when the cardboard containers were opened, half the butterflies were dead. At another wedding, the groom, accompanied by his rock band, played a song for his bride in the middle of the ceremony. This mini jam session left many traditional guests horrified.

6) Be very clear about the time and location of your ceremony.

Some people believe that weddings never start on time. However, most couples plan the time of their reception based upon the assumption that their ceremony will start on time. Remember, the later your ceremony starts, the more time and money you will lose on your reception. It is a good idea to either be clear that your ceremony will start on time, or build in a time cushion by scheduling the start time fifteen minutes before you actually plan to begin. Just be careful not to put those who arrive on time in the position of having to wait too long.

Similarly, it is important to give your guests clear information about your ceremony location. Some couples choose locations that are aerobically challenging or simply inaccessible to elderly or physically challenged guests — including women in high heels. Be sure to include an excellent map and directions with your invitations. Also, strategically place signs, balloons or ushers to guide your guests to the wedding site. Another good idea is to provide the cell phone number of someone willing to serve as a contact person for guests who get delayed or lost. Give your family and friends the gift of a ceremony that starts on time, at a user-friendly, easy to reach site.

7) Keep it short and simple.

You can create a beautiful and memorable ceremony that takes no more than 15 or 20 minutes. In my experience, a ceremony that goes much longer than that runs the risk of creating fidgety, bored, and impatient guests. For example, you may lose the attention of your guests by including more than two readings.

8) Just breathe. Be present. Be joyful.

Your wedding ceremony is when you will first see all of your guests and they will see you. This may be a bit overwhelming or anxiety producing. I have seen many a couple come before me with terrified smiles on their faces and no air moving through their bodies. That’s when I remind them “Just breathe.” It is so simple, yet sometimes challenging for a couple to let go of all concerns so they can bring their hearts and minds present. Once they get to the altar, all the bride and groom really need to do is to look into the eyes of their beloved and just breathe and feel the joy in their hearts. What a magnificent moment in life and what a shame to miss it because you are worrying about some detail or find yourself overcome with nerves.

The greatest gift you can give yourself and each other on your wedding day is to be fully present in the loving that brought you both to this moment. You can only focus your attention on one thing at a time. So, let it be the joy, loving, and gratitude you feel to be joining together in marriage, rather than worrying about whether or not the caterer got your message about the olives. Just be fully present in your loving.

9) Remember that your wedding day has only 24 hours.

While this is one of the most important days of your life, it only has 24 hours like any other day and will come and go before you know it. The more you obsess about your wedding, the less you are likely to enjoy it. Have fun planning your special day, but don’t fall into the trap of trying to make it the most perfect and spectacular wedding that has ever existed on planet earth.

Enjoy discovering and expressing what aspects of your wedding day are truly important to the two of you as individuals and as a couple. Just remember, this is not an Olympic event. It is the celebration of your commitment to each other and the beginning of your journey together as husband and wife. Have a heartfelt and delightful day.

Don’t set yourselves up for disappointment by buying into unrealistic expectations and then falling into post-wedding depression because the day has passed and you are no longer the king and queen for the day. Your wedding day is meant to be a gathering of loved ones to witness and celebrate your union and to launch you into your life together as husband and wife. That brief 15 or 20 minutes called your wedding ceremony is what the day is all about — your entrance into the sacred and joyous covenant of marriage. Then you party, and then you have the rest of your lives together to fulfill your vows by loving, honoring, and cherishing each other.

10) Delegate, have fun, and keep your sense of humor.

Do plan ahead, paying careful attention to the details, and delegate implementation of your wishes to friends, family, and professionals. Once you have set your plans in motion, let them go. Do not carry them with you throughout your wedding day, comparing what actually happens to what was on your list. What you planned for was your image of perfection, which never actually happens. Remember to keep your sense of humor handy and to enjoy the serendipity as it unfolds. Be open to the unexpected blessings and surprises that are sure to come your way. May you and your marriage be blessed in all ways, always.

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If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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What Do You Think Happens When We Die?

This is one of the most interesting questions that we tend not to think about very much. Yet our answer profoundly informs how we live. In the U.S., we have a culture of silence around dying and death. It’s a great taboo that fills most of us with anxiety about life’s end without any way to reduce that anxiety. We all know we are going to die, yet we don’t talk about it. The entire subject has become a mysterious and ominous kind of black hole in our consciousness, and we learn not to go there.

I think it would be really healthy for us to break through this taboo and normalize our conversation about death. It would free us to examine our beliefs, thoughts and feelings about death, both individually and collectively. Perhaps it would change how we feel about war and violence. By embracing the reality of death, we might be able to perceive a greater value and a deeper meaning of life.

When I raise this question with people, the most common answer begins with the phrase “I was raised… and I believe….” Many people have never challenged the belief system they were taught as children. Others question and affirm it, while still others find it a starting point from which their beliefs evolve as they explore the issue over the course of their lives. I fall into this latter category.

When I began to explore the reality of death more deeply, I found that I was less afraid of death itself than I was of dying. I was anxious about not knowing when and how I would die. It terrified me when I thought of it. It was as though we all walk around with a huge question mark over our heads, not knowing how much time we have left. Here today, maybe gone tomorrow. At first, I thought that God had a mean streak or a bad day when inventing death. I thought it was wrong and that we should live forever. But when I thought about that, I wondered what forever would be like — an endless story, a giant run-on sentence with no ending punctuation. Would there be no aging of the body or maturing of our minds in an endless now? Would we be stuck in a perpetual state of changeless being? The more I thought about the mixed blessings of being an infant, a child, a teen, a 20-year-old, a 40-year-old, and now a person in my 60s, the more I valued the exquisite design of this progression of maturation. I wouldn’t want to live endlessly in one frozen form without the punctuation of time passing. The more I thought this way, the more normal and appropriate death seemed.

When I delved further into the question of what happens when we die, I looked first at what I had been taught as a child. Just as many children learn to be good to get great presents from Santa, I was taught to be good in the way I lived my life so that I could earn eternal life with God. I had no idea what that meant other than that I shouldn’t be “bad.” It was a great inducement for conformity to the rules. As I matured, my ideas about life, death, God and eternity evolved. I found myself to be eclectic in gathering bits and pieces of wisdom from around the world that resonated with the truth that existed inside of me. Where did that truth come from? I do not know. I just know that I have always recognized what is true for me by a process of reflection and inner resonance.

When I think about what happens to us when we die, I realize that I cannot address the matter without simultaneously looking at the purpose and meaning of life. Life and death seem to be woven together in an endless process of one birthing the other.

Based on my current understanding of things, I believe that we are all souls having human experiences for the purpose of coming to know our divine nature in human form — our oneness through and with God. As such, I believe that what we commonly refer to as death is simply the death of this body and personality, the dropping of a human form by our real self — the soul. As far as I can tell, we really do see a bright light and loved ones on the other side of this death as we journey forward in our process of awakening. I believe that we do re-embody again and again as we strengthen our awareness of our own divinity. So, while I am saddened by the loss of connection to loved ones that occurs at death, I am comforted by my belief that this is one in a series of lives.

I know that many people do not share my particular beliefs. That is fine with me. Personally, I find it quite fascinating that “the truth” resonates differently in each of us. What do you believe happens when we die?

  • We simply stop being, going out like a fire.
  • Our physical body dies, and that is all we are.
  • We are spiritual beings having human experiences, and at death our body dies, but our spirit or soul lives on.
  • We only live this one life.
  • Our souls reincarnate, taking on different physical identities to work off karmic imbalances accrued from previous lives.
  • We go to heaven, hell or purgatory.
  • It doesn’t matter.
  • Other.

Have you explored your truth? What do you think, and how do you feel about the fact that we all die? That you will die? That everyone you know will die? Are you at peace with this reality? If not, what is your experience, and why do you think that is so? If you are at peace, what has enabled you to view death that way? What do you think happens when we die? How do your beliefs about death inform how you live your life? I look forward to your views and comments.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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The Problem with the Past and the Future

How much time do you spend dwelling on the past or worrying about the future? These mental and emotional creations are all figments of your imagination — mockups of how reality might be different. Meanwhile, reality is staring you right in the face, and your attention is not present to deal with it. When you spend too much of your time and attention creating more shoulda-woulda-couldas, your disappointments and anticipations just keep piling up while your life passes you by. Let’s take a look at why we do this and how we can get far more satisfaction out of life by staying present in the here and now.

Plain and simple: if your consciousness isn’t in the present moment, then you lose the opportunity to participate in the experiences and choices that are present right. Since you can only take action in the present moment, when you focus on the past or future, you are not available to participate in the present. Then your life happens based on whatever autopilot settings you have in place because you are not there to direct your actions and experiences.

When we focus on the past or the future, it is usually because we are not at peace with them. Instead, we are looking at them through a veil of frustration, worry, judgment, fear and illusions. Unable to accept the past or lacking confidence in our own ability to handle the future, we end up mistaking our negative mental and emotional creations for reality. Burdened by our own negativity, we often wreak havoc in our relationships. For example, when we can’t handle what is going on in our life, some of us project our accumulated fears and anxiety onto someone else, and that’s what we see when we look at that person. I had someone do this to me to the point that the “me” she called by my name was a complete figment of her imagination and there was no sense trying to set her straight, because she refused to be confused by facts. The “me” she envisioned bore no resemblance to the person I know myself to be. It caused so many problems that I had to eventually stop all contact with her. Did you ever have someone do that to you? Did you ever do this to someone else? In a way, we all do this to some extent as we interpret each other through our own perceptual filters. In the extreme, it becomes farther and farther removed from reality and is unhealthy and dangerous.

If you are spending your precious time and energy worrying about the past and/or the future, it is probably creating problems in your relationships with others as well as your relationship with yourself. Here are some ideas to get free so you can fully participate in the present without your pleasant personality taking a hiatus.

Worrying About the Past:

Without a doubt, the past is gone. Unfortunately, when we carry it with us every day, our hurt feelings, judgments and anger keep recycling within us. We try to put a stop to it through pronouncements about the future, declaring, “I will never let _____ happen again!” These efforts at controlling our life are largely wishful thinking. So, unless you feel totally at peace with yourself, make it a daily or weekly routine to ask yourself these questions:

  • What unresolved pieces of my past am I carrying with me today?
  • Why am I still carrying that?
  • What do I need to do to let it go?

Make it a priority in your life to lighten the load you carry by letting go of what has happened in the past.

Worrying About the Future:

The more time we spend worrying about what might happen in the future, the less time, focus and energy we have to contribute to creating what we want now. Worrying is a way of investing in not getting what we want. It produces the opposite of what we wish would happen. When we hold images and thoughts in our mind of things going “wrong” (i.e., not the way we imagine would be the best outcome), we are literally feeding our energy into the undesirable outcome. When you find yourself worrying about something, here are two constructive actions to take:

  1. Bring to mind the image of what you would like to have happen. See it in great detail. See yourself in the picture feeling the way you would like to be feeling. If you are someone who prays, then simply pray that this or something better come forward for you and for the highest good of all concerned. Alternatively, simply let the image go once you have fully embraced what you want to create, promote and allow to come forward in your life.
  2. Having created a mock-up of what you would like to bring forward in your life, ask yourself, “What can I do right now to contribute to bringing this forward?’ and do that. Connect the dots of your present and future by walking the talk of what you want to bring forward in your life.

The only opportunity we have to take action in our lives is in the present moment. The more we free ourselves from our thoughts and feelings about the past and future, the more of our time and focus we will have available to invest in what we want to create, promote and allow into our lives and the healthier we will be in our relationships with others. Mental and emotional freedom yield great happiness.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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Celebrating Oneness in Diversity

No matter how strategic you are in attempting to resolve a difference of opinion with another person, as long as it is framed as a conflict and viewed by at least one of you in terms of one person being “right” and the other as “wrong” no real progress is made in the relationship. A battle will be won, but a war will rage on. The presence of right/wrong dynamics in a relationship indicates a power struggle and not the process of co-creation by two equally respected partners. Whether deciding what to have for dinner, when and how to express shared intimacy or any other decision that affects both partners, ultimately it is the decision making process rather than the decision itself that speaks volumes about the quality of consciousness being expressed in the relationship.

On a continuum of possibilities, at one extreme the decision making process will demonstrate one partner dominating and silencing the other and at the other extreme is a shared process of considering each person’s point of view, evaluating the alternatives together and finding a solution that serves the highest good of all concerned. Guess which one is more healthy? Take a look at the major relationships in your life and ask yourself how healthy your decision making style is. Are you a bully? Do you play a victim role? Do you feel heard?

When one partner dominates, something dies in the other partner. When both participate, both partners thrive. This is true whether the two parties are schoolyard children, marriage partners, business associates or countries. Dominance expresses a lack of caring and consideration for the concerns and welfare of the other, a silencing of one by the other and the inability to create something greater through the true blending of two into one accord. Dominance breads hostility, a lack of mutual respect and an inevitable retaliation in one form or another by the underdog. Consider the waiter who secretly spits in your soup because you were condescending and rude or the marriage partner who withholds sex feigning frequent headaches.

The fact that you are able to dominate and silence another person by throwing your weight around literally and/or figuratively doesn’t make your point of view the “best” approach. It simply shows your lack of awareness and inability to participate in more fruitful, kind and caring relationships with others. It is a red flag that indicates your need for personal healing, remedial education and spiritual upliftment. Some of the most brilliant and creative minds that might otherwise contribute far more lucrative and enjoyable solutions are silenced by bullies, social and institutional norms and political hierarchies of power. I often wonder how rich and healthy we could be if we nurtured the full participation of all rather than the advancement of the few.

Many people who carry unresolved and accumulated anger from their past let off steam by bullying others. Some, flashing the badge of their social position, title or wealth, pursue their own agenda at the expense of others, telling themselves it is their right — they are entitled and others are not. Consider the “mean” boss, the bully in the schoolyard, the spouse batterer and the one who abuses children. Think about how the “most powerful” countries in the world take advantage of the smaller and less developed nations. Consider the discord between Tibet and China. “Might” most certainly does not make “right” nor does it demonstrate the best of which we are capable.

The social consequences of allowing bullying, dominance and right/wrong decision making to prevail in our society and world are enormous. How much personal growth, loving, caring and sharing is sacrificed when an individual dominates his or her marriage partner or family members? How much creativity, productivity and camaraderie is lost to systems and leadership styles that stifle rather than encourage the contribution of employees? What countries do you know of that truly strive to maximize the health, happiness and productivity of their citizenry? The irony is this is more true of “primitive” societies than of “advanced” societies.

In order for an individual and/or a society to move out of right/wrong thinking and bullying others to advance one’s own agenda, they have to be willing to experiment with new behaviors. In order for them to be motivated to do so, they have to be capable of comprehending the price they pay for their myopic focus. That’s the real challenge. The worst offenders don’t even know what they are missing and are satisfied with the spoils of the greedy wars they wage, unaware of the magnitude of abundance that could be created, promoted and allowed by feeding rather than starving others.

Meanwhile, many believe that we are now in the dawning of the Aquarian Age when we will be freed from this kind of bondage of our minds and spirits that has prevailed for thousands of years. Look around and you will see many who are consciously working to break through the prevailing cultural pattern of creating personal hierarchies of power in human relationships. It is a slow process of choosing more kindness, more caring, more encouragement of hope and participation. It is fueled by a vision of celebrating our oneness while honoring our differences. It is expressed by finding ways to tap the vast resources of participation, creativity and productivity of all members of relationships, families, organizations and countries — not just the few that currently hold the power at the expense of the others. One by one the momentum is growing as individuals look for enlightened lovers and leaders and join causes that seek greater health and well-being. People are learning to speak up rather than giving up. Some are creating relationships and organizations that are alive and evolving where all participants are free, safe and encouraged to fully participate without concern for whether or not their points of view match those of others. Pay attention to your affiliations and the quality of your relationships. Are you perpetuating the old or helping to bring in the new?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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How Close Is Your Reality to Reality?

One of the most fascinating things about life is that each person lives and experiences life through a unique set of filters which create a one-of-a-kind “reality.” One’s personal world view may or may not bear much resemblance to what is actually going on. For example, a person who is colorblind “sees” different colors than the majority would identify. One who is prejudiced against a particular group of people ascribes attributes to an individual of that group that may or may not be true reflections of that person. We rely heavily (perhaps too heavily) on what we “see” while seldom checking whether our perceptions are accurate. Perhaps this is why one of the first rules of effective communication is to get verification from the other person that what you heard is what they said. Sometimes we read so much between the lines that we can’t really hear what is being said.

In addition to our personal perceptual twists and turns, there are multiple layers of external influences that color our view of reality. Parents typically teach their children to view the world as they do — spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, politically, financially, etc. What is familiar seems right or normal — sometimes even when being manipulated or abused by others. One’s gender, social status, place in history, religion, culture, ethnicity, social norms etc. all color our sense of reality and tend to present us with a “we are right and others who don’t agree with us are wrong” point of view.

Human consciousness can be either a myopic and stagnant point of view or a living and potentially evolving state of awareness and wisdom. What we see and experience in this world is an accurate reflection of our state of consciousness.

As a philosophy major in college, I was first introduced to the thought that there are multiple levels of human consciousness and the possibility of ascending to a higher perspective — like climbing a mountain and seeing new vistas unavailable at lower altitudes. This mind altering awareness came to me when studying Plato’s allegory of the cave found in The Republic, which explores the nature of justice. Plato describes prisoners, representative of the mass of humanity, sitting in chains that limited their focus to the wall in front of them. Between the prisoners and a fire that burned behind them, puppeteers walked with puppets and objects that cast shadows on the wall in front of the prisoners. Seeing and hearing shadows and echoes cast by objects that they do not see was their only reality. They knew nothing of the real causes of the shadows and echoes that formed their reality. One of them was released and was then able to see the puppets and the fire and to recognize the world of the prisoners as merely shadows — reflections of a larger reality. As he further ascended out of the cave, he was blinded by the sun until acclimated to the light. When he returned to share his discovery with the remaining prisoners, he was blinded by the darkness and was therefore perceived as inferior by the others due to his lesser eyesight in their world and his strange tales that did not match their reality.

How often do we shun and vilify someone with an enlightened point of view that challenges our sense of reality? How often do we shoot the messenger in an attempt to silence the very thoughts that could set us free?

Being introduced to Plato’s allegory of the cave was the first time I had ever questioned my own sense of reality. During our discussions, my brain sometimes hurt from being stretched so much as we speculated about reality and reflection. Was I, like the prisoners in Plato’s cave, accepting without question or discernment what I perceived in life and what I was taught by my parents and teachers? Did I have myopic vision, as Plato’s prisoners did, that blinded me from entertaining other points of view? Did I even know how to think for myself? I wondered if we were all just brainwashed by what was familiar to us and whether or not our reality was simply being manipulated by others for their advantage, rather than for our mutual highest good. How were we to know what to challenge and what to accept as true? I had lots of questions and each question seemed to birth others in its wake. I had never really thought about any of this before.

Do you ever question your sense of reality? Or, do you assume that “your reality” is reality? As Plato suggests, the world we perceive through our senses is an inferior mock-up of what is really going on. He further proposes that reality can only be comprehended through the mind and that true teachers do not transfer knowledge to their students, but rather serve as wayshowers pointing students in the direction of apprehending for themselves what is real and important. Plato believed that those who are enlightened in a society bear a moral responsibility to serve the rest of society by showing them the way to ascend to a higher perspective. Who are your teachers? Where are they leading you? Are they empowering you or blinding you?

Plato’s commentary on the human condition cautions us that reality is not always what it seems to be on the surface. He urges us to keep our minds open to possibilities beyond what our senses can experience. Is your thinking boxed in or are you curious and learning all the time? Do you pay most of your attention to the minutia of daily life and the current political and social scene, or do you contemplate the really big questions of life like:

  • What does it mean to live life successfully and how well am I living my life?
  • What kind of relationships am I creating, promoting and allowing in my life?
  • What is the purpose of human life?
  • What is the purpose of my life?
  • Where does our breath come from?
  • Does God exist? And, if so, how does that inform my life and how I live it?
  • Is there a whole lot more going on here than meets my eyes?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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Finding Your Groove

“Good and quickly seldom meet.”
— Anonymous

Do you move through space and time too fast, too slow or just right? Do you find yourself rushing about or dragging yourself around? Why is it so important to pay attention to this? When we step out of that pace and find ourselves either rushing about like a chicken with its head cut off, or dragging ourselves around like dead weight, life can be very challenging. Paying attention to your inner feedback and the responses from your universe can assist you in finding your optimum pace.

When we rush, it is usually because we have either been procrastinating, or are setting unrealistic expectations. Here are several things that happen when we rush around and try to do too much at once:

  • We behave clumsily, dropping things and having mini-accidents like stubbing a toe, or in some cases major accidents.
  • We tend to commit more mistakes and as a result become less efficient rather than more (which is often our goal when in a rush).
  • We become more forgetful.
  • We drive much too fast, to “save time.”
  • We find ourselves frustrated and agitated by things that would normally be within our tolerance level. As a result we can become short-tempered and make “mountains out of molehills.”
  • We tend to feel burdened and overwhelmed, rather than enjoy our lives.

Sound familiar? But what happens when you rush around faster than what is comfortable for you? Are the few extra minutes you might gain worth the price you pay?

Rushing around really doesn’t get us where we want to be any faster. In fact, it just makes us feel out of sorts, unpleasant to be around, feeding into the increased probability that we will have some sort of accident.

The good news is that it is very easy to re-enter your comfort zone once you see what you are doing. Here are my favorite ways to recapture my sense of well-being:

  • The mere act of observation, gives you the opportunity to make another choice.
  • Once you see what you are doing, you can take a mental picture of yourself and have a good laugh.
  • Try coming to a complete stop, taking a few deep breaths and reprioritizing what needs to be done.
  • Remind yourself that life is precious and when you are rushing around you are not enjoying the journey of your life. Make it a point to smell some roses and lilacs, or delight in the smile of a child or passerby.

On the flip side, you have probably noticed that you are not typically very happy when you are going more slowly than your comfortable pace. It is very easy to fall into the habit of vegging out, playing computer games, watching TV or falling prey to some other mindless distraction while ignoring all the things you need to be doing. We all need to tune out from time to time, but when it becomes our way of life, it’s worth taking a closer look and considering the alternatives. Here’s what I have noticed happens when we drag ourselves around:

  • Usually there is some mental or emotional challenge present that we are having difficulty dealing with and so we avoid it with these behaviors.
  • Low energy tends to result in isolating ourselves and feeling disconnected from others.
  • Lethargy has a cumulative impact that results in making excuses for not going to the gym or choosing less healthy foods because we can’t be bothered cooking a healthier meal for ourselves.
  • We become self-judgmental when we are not keeping up with the pace of our life for more than a few hours or a day here and there.

What else happens to you when you fall into the blahs?

Here are my favorite remedies for moving out of lethargy and back into the swing of things:

  • Talk to yourself and be ruthlessly honest about what you are avoiding. See if you can figure out one or two baby steps you could take that would move you in the direction of resolving the issue and talk yourself into doing those things.
  • Negotiate with yourself. Make a to do list and choose three to five things that you really need to do, striking deals like, “If I get up and do the dishes right now, I can play another five games of solitaire without feeling guilty.”
  • Pull in the reins on yourself and hold yourself accountable by monitoring the amount of sleep you get, the foods you are eating and your physical activity. Once those are back in balance, your energy will bounce right back.

Life appears easier when we are in the groove of our own pace and so very stressful when we are out of it. Being out of sync may not be the biggest problem in our life, but the discomfort it generates can often be avoided by checking in and taking corrective action when we get out of our groove.

Finally, when you notice that you are in your groove, going with the flow of life and enjoying your journey, pay attention to how you created that and do more and more of that. Turn on your cruise control and enjoy the ride.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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