Archive for month: December, 2016

Facing the Holidays When You’ve Lost a Loved One

If you have recently lost a loved one with whom you would otherwise be sharing this holiday season, you might be finding yourself wanting to burrow under your covers with a box of tissues until the holidays have passed. If this sounds like you, it’s time for some T.L.C. I don’t believe we should ever push down our emotions, though social conventions might make it advisable to develop strategies for dealing with these challenges privately or having a dear and trusted friend bear witness to what we are feeling. Remember that even at their best, holidays can be stressful. So, make taking thoughtful and loving care of yourself your number-one priority for the holidays.

Until 2006, I spent every Christmas except one with my mother. We shared a home for the last nine years of her life. For the past four Christmases, I have been adrift, unable to decorate my house for the holidays and spending Christmas like a peripheral, orphaned outsider to other people’s ways of spending the holiday. This year, I am finally ready to create Christmas on my own terms — just for me.

I have worked hard to develop the ability to pay attention to my own truth, and this year I am ready to give myself a beautiful Christmas. I am profoundly aware of the fact that part of not having my own Christmas these past four years has been because I was telling myself it didn’t matter because I had no one to make a fuss over. Then I had the tearful realization that I really need to make a fuss over myself this year. So, I am joyfully decorating my house with garlands, lights, wreaths, candles, angels and stars and plan to get a real Christmas tree, hoping that it survives my cats’ first Christmas. I am buying myself lots of presents, too, and signing the tags from all different people who have loved me and enriched my life. My heart is full and open again, and it simply took as long as it took.

Here are my suggestions for how to honor your own process of regaining an inner balance with the holidays.

  1. Pay attention and be ruthlessly honest with yourself about what you feel and what you need to do and not do as you move through this holiday season. Whether you have other people to coordinate your plans with or are facing the holidays alone, be as true to yourself as possible. Others may try to include you in their plans, or they may not, but it is really up to you to figure out what would be best for you. If you feel like sitting home in your pajamas sipping hot chocolate and crying or nibbling on cold pizza crust from the night before, that’s OK. If you feel happy and want to joyfully participate in the holidays — that’s OK, too. Don’t judge your truth, just live it and trust your own inner wisdom to carry you through.
  2. Be patient, kind and compassionate with yourself about what is true for you. There are no set rules about how to face the holidays carrying the loss of a loved one. This is a very personal matter. For many of us, the holidays trigger memories of thoughts, feelings, tastes, smells, rituals and traditions shared with our loved one. Without this person, the holidays may feel hollow and meaningless. If possible, reach for the deeper meaning of these holy days and the privilege of having shared them with someone you loved. Sometimes we take that for granted until we lose it. So, if your loss feels overwhelming, consider transforming it into gratitude for the blessing of having had this person in your life who touched you so deeply.
  3. Take loving care of yourself. Grief takes many forms. You might find yourself lethargic or grumpy or somehow out of sorts. That’s OK. Just stay focused on what is happening inside you and tend to yourself as you would to anyone else you love deeply. Love yourself deeply through this time.
  4. Anticipate and plan ahead. Don’t wait for others to make plans for you that may or may not have anything at all to do with what you really need. Face your truth and communicate what you need this year to those with whom you would otherwise be spending the holidays. If you have no one, consider new options like volunteering in your community, spending a quiet holiday by yourself or asking someone to include you in part of their festivities. You might even take a trip to either avoid the whole experience or to immerse yourself in another culture’s interpretation of the holidays.
  5. Make room for your grief or sadness. Grief is a very private matter, and the holidays have a way of magnifying it. Welcome your grief. Your sadness and tears are expressions of the healing process of letting go and moving forward into your life without your loved one. If you try to postpone or ignore your grief, it will find other ways to manifest and demand your attention. So, be open to your grieving and trust that it is healing.
  6. If appropriate, create a new ritual to honor the memory of your deceased loved one as you celebrate the holidays. My mother and I decorated shoe boxes that we put under the Christmas tree. Each of us would take time to write little messages of love and appreciation for the other, put them in each other’s box and then read them on Christmas morning. I am immersing myself in our love this Christmas by rereading our messages and adding new notes of appreciation for my mother’s love. By putting the names of people who have loved me on the tags of all the presents I have bought myself, I am also remembering them and surrounding myself with their love this Christmas.
  7. Remember that the holidays will pass. Chances are they will present challenges. Rise to the occasion and take good care of your sweet self.

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More About Carrying Your Grief Through the Holidays

Last week’s article, “Facing The Holidays When You Have Lost a Loved One” seems to have struck a nerve. So, I’d like to go more deeply into this topic this week. While grief is an exquisitely private matter, in order to move on, most of us need someone to bear witness to our truth in grieving. Too many people silently suffer with their grief, while putting on fake happy faces for those they love. Ironically, this usually serves no one. It not only prevents loved ones from knowing that you are suffering, but it deprives you of the comfort others might offer. If this sounds familiar, I am not suggesting you unload the depth of your grief on your loved ones, but denying your own suffering is not the answer either.

I needed help with my grieving and was lucky to find that our local hospice offers free grief counseling to those who have lost a loved one for the first eleven months after the death. It wasn’t that I needed someone to advise me about what to do, but rather that I needed someone I could tell my truth to — the good, the bad and the ugly. I needed someone to bear witness to me, stripped naked of all pretense moving through one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I needed someone to do that without judging and rejecting me or telling me that I should do this or that or the other thing — I needed someone’s compassion. I needed another human heart to know and to care about me and about what I was experiencing. For me, that didn’t need to be a loved one. It was easier to share my truth with a professional stranger.

Another source of support came to me from religious and spiritual teachings. As an ecumenical minister, I do not espouse any particular religious tradition, but have drawn great comfort from many different traditions. For example, I was raised Christian, and have often called upon the phrase “I caste my burdens on the Christ within and I go free” to help me through those experiences I don’t seem to be able to bear alone. (If the word “Christ” doesn’t work for you — substitute another word or reference point that does.) This action reminds me that I have resources that I often forget to draw upon. By opening to the presence of the divine, I can often surrender to that which is beyond my ability to understand or cope.

Buddhist teachings have also informed my understanding of life and death. They have helped me to see death not as a moment, but as an ever present process of transformation in the life of every sentient being. Each word or sentence I write is born and passes on. Its life continues only when it touches the hearts and minds of others. Similarly, each moment of our lives, each day, each meal, each relationship, each flower is born, lives and eventually dies — except in our memories.

Last week, one reader emailed me about how she and her daughters have found a way to bring the joy back into Christmas after her husband and their father died unexpectedly a year and a half ago. She wrote that as they headed into the holidays last year and again this year, they didn’t feel like celebrating and found no happiness in the idea of buying each other gifts that none of them needed. So, they decided to create a new family tradition and chose to anonymously find a local family in need through a social service agency and help give them a happy holiday. Having the chance to help families going through some very hard times has brightened their own holidays and, as she wrote,

Doing this in my husband’s memory has given us a positive way to honor this immensely kind man and loving, devoted father. It also gives us some badly needed perspective and reminds us that we need to be thankful for what we had and what we still have and that, as much as it stinks that they’ve lost a wonderful father and I’ve lost a loving husband, we each had a loving and close relationship with him, happy memories, a lot of laughter and a lot of life lessons that we will carry forever.

I think the process of grieving, particularly during the holiday season, eventually brings us to the realization that it is a matter of personal choice to either die inside from our grief or to lift our hearts up in gratitude for having loved someone so deeply — for having been blessed by his or her presence in our lives.

So many people try to avoid grieving and attempt to carry on with life as usual. But there is no “usual” after a dear one has died. We need to grieve. If we don’t, if we push the grief deep within us and refuse its expression, it will deaden us to the rest of our lives. Then there are two deaths, not just one. And, if you really think about it, that’s probably not what your loved one would have wanted for you.

There is a funny thing about human nature that we take a particular comfort in knowing that other people suffer too and that some appear to carry bigger burdens than our own. And sometimes when we are feeling particularly sorry for ourselves, we encounter a brilliant brave soul who inspires us to raise our heads high as we carry our own mixed blessings of life. While not specifically about the holidays, this video is a magnificent reminder of the resilience of the human heart.

No matter whether our burdens are heavy or light, may we all be kinder to ourselves and each other this holiday season.

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The Distinction Between Observation and Judgment

We observe something when we become aware of it. We acknowledge “this is so.” We judge when we form an opinion, as in “I think this about that.” Observation is a neutral act of taking in information upon which we base our responses. Judgment involves rendering an opinion regarding the relative value or merit of what is being observed. We get into dicey territory when we start judging each other for three reasons:

  • As self-appointed judges, we separate ourselves from the other person. Blinded by our own judgment, we label them with our verdicts. Seeing only with our minds, we shut our hearts to them. As Mother Teresa said, “if you judge people, you have no time to love them.” And, as Carl Jung said, “we should not pretend to understand the world only by the intellect. The judgment of the intellect is only part of the truth.”
  • Judgments are proclamations of polarized thinking and whether or not others buy into our judgments, we usually become vested in them. We often confuse our judgments with reality as in “my mind is made up, don’t confuse me with the facts.”
  • It is important to remember that we are limited in our understanding of another person’s life by our own range of experience. As the proverb goes, “don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.”

I had an experience recently that inspired this article. I was with a group of people and found myself rather ill at ease. The person who seemed to be setting the tone of the gathering repeatedly made choices other than those that would have been my preference. Suddenly, I became aware of how I was not simply observing this, but was making her wrong in the theater of my mind and essentially blaming her for my sense of separation. Everything was her fault from my point of view.

As I became increasingly irritated, I finally had the awareness that I was the one who was creating my sense of separation and justifying it with my judgments of this woman. This understanding opened up new possibilities for me. I began to pay closer attention to my judgments and each time I caught myself in the act, I quickly rephrased my judgment into a neutral statement of personal preference inside my mind. Energetically, this meant I was not making her wrong, but simply noticing that I was experiencing irritation by comparing her choice to my own preference. I did all that in my mind.

It then occurred to me that I was creating disharmony within myself and had the option of choosing to be more loving and peaceful instead. So, I started making that choice. Instead of seeing only what irritated me, I looked more deeply and was able to see the goodness in this woman as well. Before I knew it, I had shifted my attention to where it belonged — to affirming my intention of being more loving and peaceful and finding ways to do that rather than separating myself through my judgments. Soon, I was focusing on how grateful I was for this lesson in the distinction between observation and judgment.

Then, as I was leaving, this woman extended a kindness to me that reminded me that there are many ways to express our loving and it behooves us to be open to them all, rather than judging and rejecting those that do not resemble our own way of doing things. As Carl Jung said, “everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

Sometimes we meet people who simply do not know how else to relate to us than through judgment. Some behave this way with all people, others with only certain people as though they are allergic to them. I have experienced this with a relative who has disapproved of me all my life. As a child, I always felt rejected by her, and, as children do, I stood on my head trying to get her approval. I also fell into the trap of judging her in response to her criticisms of me.

As I matured, I tried to reason with her in an attempt to heal our relationship, but she was not interested in that. In time, I became aware of the fact that her judgment of me not only affected our relationship, but it colored all relationships in our family. Finally, I saw that there were always three people in the room when we were together — me, her and the figment of her imagination that she called by my name. That awareness became my path to freedom. I realized that she was as trapped in her judgment of me as I was. The difference was that I could get out of it and she was not yet able to do so.

As a grown woman, I finally saw that our relationship was a clear manifestation of Einstein’s definition of insanity — “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” My liberation came when I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. Recognizing that her judgment of me was none of my business, but that my own well-being was my responsibility, I chose to end all contact with her. As a result, my life is far more peaceful. When I think of her now, I do not allow myself to judge her. I pray for her and wish her well from afar while going about my own business of holding myself accountable for my inner and outer life and for my contribution to the quality of the relationships in my life.

We can never judge the lives of others,
because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.
It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path,
but it’s another to think that yours is the only path.
(Paulo Coelho)

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What Kind of Life Are You Creating for Yourself?

“I am seeking the fullest expression of myself as a human being on Earth.”
–Oprah Winfrey

Can you even begin to imagine if each and every one of us lived our lives with deep commitment to such a lofty vision? Why don’t we? What do we make more important than manifesting our fullest expression?

It is easy to dismiss Oprah’s success based on her vast fortune and to say, “Well, I could do great things with all that money, too!” But remember, Oprah started out as a poor, black girl in rural Mississippi, born to unwed, teenaged parents. Her early years were spent at her grandmother’s farm with no indoor plumbing or electricity. Then she lived with her mother in Milwaukee, where she was sexually abused by several male relatives and began to act out as a troubled young teen. Next, she lived with her father in Nashville, and his stern discipline gave her the guidance and stability she apparently needed to flourish. She began to excel in school and by 19 had a part-time job as a radio reporter in Nashville. The rest, as they say, is history.

Even if any of us could argue that we have faced bigger challenges than Oprah, the question remains, “What are you doing with your life?” What is your contribution? What kind of relationships do you have with yourself and others? How do you give of yourself?

Each of us is born, we breathe in and out for an unspecified period of time and then we die. That’s life. Each of us has our very own set of challenges, preferences and capabilities. What are yours, and what are you doing with them? Do you use them as excuses for failure or do you leverage them into greater wisdom and success?

As each new year arrives, many of us take stock of where we are in our lives and what changes we want to make. I am always amused to see how packed the gym is for the first few days of January and then how it gets back to normal in a week or two. It seems that the mere fact that it is a new year fails to provide sufficient momentum in most people to make substantive changes in their lives.

Having been raised Catholic, I am familiar with the experience of coming out of the confessional and feeling like I have a clean slate and wanting to keep it that way. Each new year has always had a similar feeling for me of starting anew, having yet another chance to direct myself through the trials and triumphs of life and wanting to lift myself up higher.

I used to work in strategic planning and learned to view the assets of any individual or organization as people, money and time. I now apply this perspective to myself in managing my own life. As I stand on the threshold of a new year, I am me and all that that encompasses. I have the money I have, no more and no less, and I have another allotment of 8,760 hours to do with as I will. The name of the game, as I see it, is to stay conscious of who I am, what I have and where I am going, and to be open to the possibilities that present themselves. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions or go to big New Year’s parties. Most years, I choose to spend New Year’s Eve alone using the vantage point of ending one year and starting a new one to pause and take a good look at my life. My ritual involves the following:

  • Experience gratitude for the gifts and lessons of the past year. Be grateful for new and existing friends, personal and professional accomplishments, wisdom gained, lessons learned, new skills and abilities and storms weathered.
  • Acknowledge losses. As life marches on, we lose jobs, friends and family, lovers and partners. For each loss, I like to look at how that job or person enriched my life, how we parted ways — whether by death or discord — and how I am better for having had that experience or person in my life.
  • Review last year’s intentions and compare them to what transpired over the past year. Notice whether or not the intentions were realistic based on the information known when they were made. What surprises showed up? What was being ignored?
  • Set clear intentions for what to create, promote or allow in the coming year. Knowing that life will be full of surprises, I like to set clear but flexible goals for the coming year. I frame them more as affirmations of what I choose to claim as my possibilities with a clear intention to do my best to manifest them rather than setting New Year’s resolutions that carry an expectation of not coming true.

As captain of my own little ship on the sea of life, I get to choose my way through the opportunities and challenges that come my way. I do my best to keep on track or to revise my intentions as needed. It’s a living, breathing process, not a rigid goal that must be achieved. I also have an overarching vision or purpose to which I am dedicating my life. This helps to guide my choices and to inform my life each and every day.

How did you celebrate and honor the coming of the new year? What are your rituals?

I wish each and every one of you a happy, healthy and fulfilling new year of 8,760 hours. I hope you will use your allotment well for the highest good of all concerned. And finally, my best wishes to Oprah as she leads OWN, her new television network, which launched yesterday, Jan. 1, 2011, at noon. Her mission is to help unleash the power of human potential by providing mindful, not mindless, television that helps people live their best lives. Thank you, Oprah!

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Ever Feel Like You’re On The Outside Looking In?

One theme that I have noticed with many of my counseling and coaching clients is the feeling they have of being on the outside looking in. This might be how they feel in a particular social situation such as with their family, at work or with a particular group of friends. For some, it is what they repeatedly experience. For many, this began during school days and has been with them throughout their lives.

The isolation and devastation of feeling like you are the only one who doesn’t belong or fit in can overshadow all else in one’s life. It can become a repetitive self-fulfilling process — a pervasive experience of wanting to be on the inside, but standing alone watching others have fun whom we might believe have selectively and intentionally left us out.

I remember feeling trapped in this position in high school. The “in crowd” seemed to really be having a fabulous time. I watched from the periphery wondering what was wrong with me that I didn’t authentically want to be doing what they were doing and why didn’t it matter to them whether I was part of the group or not. I wanted the fun they were having, but I knew that I would have to fake it to be a part of the group and I wasn’t good at that. I wanted them to want me. I knew that forcing or inserting myself into their activities wouldn’t accomplish that. Feelings of not fitting in, not being chosen and just not belonging anywhere dominated my experiences in high school.

As life marched on, I noticed myself experiencing the outsider phenomenon repeatedly. It was my norm in social situations until I started to take a good look at it. I noticed a few important things that became my opportunity to break free and eventually to help others to do so as well. Here are some keys to moving away from the experience of being the outsider looking in:

    • Observe Your Experience, Don’t Make It Wrong

If you fall into the trap of automatically thinking “they are right and therefore I am wrong” you have made a dead end proclamation and have lost the opportunity to consider other possibilities. That’s why observation rather than judgment is so important. Observation leads to neutral conclusions that allow you to explore your options. Neutral observations might look like “I am looking at them having fun. I want to have fun. I don’t feel comfortable in this situation. Where else do I feel comfortable?”

    • Look Inward, Not Outward.

When you find yourself distressed watching others seemingly having a good time, notice that you are doing that. Then choose to look inward at your experience rather than outward at what others are doing. When we look at our negative feelings as feedback rather than as cause for judgment of ourselves or others, we can work with the information in a healthier way. For example, “I want to have fun. Standing here watching them is not fun for me. What else might I do to have the experience I am looking for? What is fun for me? What would be more fun for me than standing here watching them have fun?” It stands to reason that if you put your hand over a burning flame, it hurts and the healthy response is to move your hand away and learn not to do that again. So, apply that logic here.

    • Consider the Possibility That You Are Creating a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

When you never go beyond making yourself wrong each time you encounter the feeling of being disconnected from others around you, you simply pile on more bad feelings on top of old unresolved feelings. The pain gets bigger and bigger because each encounter touches into the mother load of unresolved feelings you carry around from similar experiences in the past and you feel more “wrong” and “disconnected” with each new encounter. Convinced that you are “right” in your interpretation of being “wrong” (having never considered an alternative) makes your perspective a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    • Pay Attention to What Works for You and What Doesn’t

Work with your own feedback to create more of what works for you and less of what doesn’t. That’s called mastering the art of living. It will bring you much more fulfillment, joy and satisfaction than repeating the same old negative response sadly and wistfully wishing for a different outcome. Lovingly attend to your own sense of imbalance.

  • Look Elsewhere.

Explore what other options are available to you. Stop wanting to be part of something that doesn’t make you happy. If the shoe doesn’t fit, try on a different shoe. Go for what fits, not for what you wish would fit, but doesn’t. Go for the feeling and experience you are looking for, don’t demand the conditions under which those feelings will manifest. Be committed to finding your own form of happiness where you fit in and feel good about yourself and don’t settle for anything less.

Here’s to being inside our own experience and to honoring our own truth, trusting that we belong in this world just the way we are.

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If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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How To Give Gifts With A Smile

“He gives little who gives with a frown;
he gives much who gives little with a smile.”
–The Talmud

Coming out of the holiday season, I’ve heard many stories from friends and clients about giving and receiving gifts. One significant lesson I learned is the importance of taking personal responsibility for your own happiness — or lack thereof — in the gift giving arena. When we place our material and/or emotional happiness in the hands of others who may or may not be willing or able to deliver, we put ourselves in a very precarious position.

Some married women (who are not gold-diggers) share a common concern despite their best efforts to explain their point of view to their partners. Their stories boil down to the fact that they really want to receive thoughtful gifts from their partners who profess to either not want to be bothered or dismiss gift-giving as commercialism. Some of these partners, in an effort to do the bare minimum, will run out to the store at the last minute and grab something with little attention to her particular likes and dislikes — i.e. they go through the motions, but their hearts are not in it. Yet, these same men enjoy receiving and using the thoughtful gifts they receive. In the meantime, these women come up with some very interesting and sometimes not-so-nice ways of handling their disappointment.

One friend told me that on her first Christmas with her husband, they lavished each other with gifts. Then, her birthday came two months later, and she looked forward to what he would do to acknowledge her day. Nothing. No “Happy birthday, honey.” No card. No flowers. No presents. She was deeply hurt and red-hot angry. The next day, she went to a jeweler, picked out a necklace, called her husband from the store and announced that she had just found his birthday present to her and handed the phone to the store clerk to get his credit card information. Most women will make their partners pay one way or another, reasoning, “Why should I give you what you want when you obviously don’t care what I want?”

I’ve spoken to a few men about this. I am struck by what seems to be a common posture of not wanting to be forced to do something they don’t want to do. Some of them, more specifically, are reluctant to let a woman tell them what to do.

Not all women feel the same about giving and receiving gifts. However, if you are a man in a relationship with a woman who would be disappointed and hurt if you didn’t give her a thoughtful gift, you might want to reframe your perspective on the situation. This is more about listening to what the woman you love is telling you about what’s important to her and how she would like you to demonstrate your love than it is about her telling you what to do. If you give a woman red roses and later find out that she prefers white lilies, next time give her white lilies — not because she is telling you what to do, but because she is telling you how to put a smile on her face. You might say, “She knows I love her.” That is not the point. She needs to know that you are willing to make a fuss over her — to demonstrate your love for her in a way that is meaningful to her. Whether you are giving her a diamond necklace or a teddy bear, it really is the thought that counts. So, guys, Valentine’s Day is coming — see if you can find a way to come at it from your loving and caring for your woman rather than from resentment or obligation.

Now, let’s talk about female friends who are on unequal footing in the gift-giving department. First of all, don’t be too quick to judge a friend who misses the mark. I have a dear friend who prides herself on how thoughtful she is in selecting the gifts she gives, yet I have rarely received anything from her that I have kept and usually have a difficult time finding sincere words to thank her. I have tried a number of times to steer her in the right direction or to suggest we make donations in each other’s name instead of gifts, but insists. She is making an effort, just missing the mark. Not wanting to offend her, I thank her, and then off to Goodwill the gifts go. While it is really great to get something you like, it is the thought that counts.

Then there are the friends who re-gift things they do not want or give generic, cheap gifts — like a candle from the drug store. The whole point of giving is to express your fondness for another person — to let them know you love them and consider yourself blessed to have them in your life. Don’t insult your friends with meaningless presents. Take the time to show you care, and give them something that will be meaningful to them. If you aren’t good at gift giving, find someone who is, and ask them to teach you.

“The manner of giving is worth more than the gift.” –Pierre Corneille

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If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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Are You Living In Your Own World?

Each one of us is the star, producer, director and audience of our very own feature film in the theater of our mind. It’s like living in our own parallel universe. There is the “real world” — within which we all exist and interact with one another — and then, within each of us, there occurs a creative interpretation of reality that may or may not bear any resemblance to objective reality or to the creative interpretation of others. Our ongoing emotional and ideological responses reflect who we think we are and what we think is going on. That creates our inner movie — a refracted reflection of reality that serves as the foundation upon which we base our actions and reactions in our shared world. The implications of this are enormous.

When we become too insulated in our own little world, we lose contact with other people and lose sight of the importance of their wants and needs, hopes and dreams and and their ability to contribute to our shared world. We also tend not to notice how our way of being is impacting them. One of life’s greatest challenges is striking a balance between living in our very own unique world and cohabitating in a shared world — bearing responsibility for our contribution. So, I have two questions for you:

  1. What goes on in the theater of your mind?
  2. What are you contributing to our shared world?

We have a tendency to think in polarities: “I am right and you are wrong if you disagree with me.” Many of us go about our lives assuming that our inner movie is pretty darn close to objective reality, that anyone whose inner movie tells them otherwise is way off the mark. It takes some skill, wisdom, sensitivity, compassion and humility to recognize that we are each a product of our unique blend of nature and nurture — not inherently better or worse than others, but different. Even identical twins have their dissimilarities. Each of us lives what we believe and what we learn. As in Rumi’s allegory about the blind men and the elephant, no two people have the exact same point of view. As a result, we see what we see. It can be difficult to convince us otherwise.

The fact is, we can’t get anywhere near the whole picture until we get out of our own little monologue and truly listen to, and take into consideration, the point of view of others. It is very easy to jump to conclusions about the thoughts, beliefs, motivation and actions of others — based solely on our own interpretation. It can be very educational and yield far better results to consider what movies others are watching and why.

How often have you gotten into a misunderstanding in your business or personal life where one person misread the other’s motives, intentions or integrity? It happens all the time. I remember a time when I was working in Corporate America and there was a major change of management in my division. I happened to run into our new leader at the elevator one day, and he asked me, “Are they keeping you busy over there?” I naively responded with honesty: “Unfortunately no, and that concerns me.” The next day I arrived at work to find that my boss was in our division head’s office fighting to save my job. The big boss wanted me fired for insubordination. He settled for an apology which I gave, knowing that I didn’t owe him one but needing to keep my job. How different that experience might have been, had he taken my words as sincere and wanted to know more about why I felt as I did. After all, I was telling him that — as one of his resources — I was being underutilized.

It’s good to get out and about from your own inner theater. If you don’t, your myopic focus is likely to make you a very selfish and self-centered person, who contributes little positive nature to the rest of the world. Get out! Be challenged, and enrich your point of view through intentional and meaningful exposure to the worlds that others live in. Try caring about the well-being of others, even if you don’t know them. It is essential to consider that the inner movies of others are worth taking into account when trying to get along and play nice.

Consider the collective impact of our selfishness. Just as my new division head missed the opportunity to make me a more productive member of his team, we do the very same thing when we dismiss the needs and concerns of others. Just imagine what we could create, promote and allow in our collective world if we understood the power of loving, caring and sharing as ways to unite and empower us all. When we silence and suppress one another, as in political debates, we miss the point. When we contribute our knowledge and skills to creating a collective, where all individuals are fully supported in being productive members of society, we build a rich and rewarding shared world.

I think we go way off track when we interact primarily from our mind and ego and place our concern on getting other people to agree with us. When we encounter differences in opinion from this point of view, we attempt to dominate and silence one another. When we allow ourselves to also connect through our hearts and souls, we seek to understand, to care and to find a solution and a way to participate that serves the highest good of all concerned. Whether disagreeing with our partner, or those who vote differently than us, we need to learn how to appreciate, support, embrace and be kind to those who walk to the beat of a different drum.

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Finding a Deeper Love This Valentine’s Day

With the romantic hype of Valentine’s Day, it is easy to get caught up in judgment about our own “love life” as we call it. Do I have someone to send me flowers and cards of adoration? Will someone be taking me out for a romantic evening? If not, we often see ourselves falling short — judging ourselves as undesirable, not good enough or a failure for not having a partner. “Poor me” we say.

While romantic love can be intoxicating and ever so delicious, there is a deeper kind of love that bars no participants. It is the generosity of heart that smiles at a stranger as a way of saying “I see you.” It is the kind of love that doesn’t keep score in a relationship, but rather allows us to embrace ourselves and our partner through the trials and triumphs of life. It is the kind of love that might say, “I love you and I am not liking your behavior.” It is the kind of love that is given first to ourselves through loving care of our body, mind and soul, with the overflow generously and unconditionally given to others. It is the kind of love that celebrates our oneness and honors our differences as we share our common humanity while each marching to the beat of our own particular drum — or flute or saxophone.

So, this Valentine’s Day, choose to participate as a dispenser of loving kindness regardless of your romantic love life. Do a few random acts of kindness just to spread some loving around. Do something nurturing for yourself. If you want more love, give more love — be loving not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day. Look through the eyes of love and you activate the energy of love within yourself. There is more loving available than you could ever “feel” or think you need. Reach into the depths of yourself and lavishly love yourself and others. It’s fun. It’s free. It’s infectious. It’s available for the choosing.

Here are some of my favorite quotations that celebrate this deeper kind of love:

If you can’t love somebody,

it’s best to say, ‘I don’t know who they are.’

That’s a clear, precise, and honest statement,

because if you don’t love someone,

you really don’t know who they are.

The person you criticize, the one you put down,

is not known to you.

Anyone who is truly known to you is loved.

–John-Roger with Paul Kaye

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

–H. L. Mencken

Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.

–Jean Anouilh

Go deeper than love, for the soul has greater depths,

love is like the grass, but the heart is deep wild rock

molten, yet dense and permanent.

Go down to your deep old heart, and lose sight of yourself.

And lose sight of me, the me whom you turbulently loved.

Let us lose sight of ourselves, and break the mirrors.

For the fierce curve of our lives is moving again to the depths

out of sight, in the deep living heart.

–D.H. Lawrence

. . . like the earth, that brings forth flowers

in summer, and love, but underneath is rock.

Older than flowers, older than ferns, older than foraminiferae,

older than plasm altogether is the soul underneath.

And when, throughout all the wild chaos of love

slowly a gem forms, in the ancient, once-more-molten rocks

of two human hearts, two ancient rocks, . . .

that is the crystal of peace, the slow hard jewel of trust,

the sapphire of fidelity.

The gem of mutual peace emerging from the wild chaos of love.

–D.H. Lawrence

Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience.

–M. Scott Peck

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

–Mother Teresa

Be universal in your love.

You will see the universe to be the picture of your own being.

–Sri Chinmoy

Love is the affinity which links and draws together the elements of the world…

Love, in fact, is the agent of universal synthesis.

–Pierre Teilhard De Chardin

The minute I heard my first love story

I started looking for you, not knowing

how blind that was.

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.

They’re in each other all along.

–Rumi

It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand in the center of the Fire with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,

and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

–Oriah Mountain Dreamer

A relationship is about movement, growth;

it is a holy interpersonal environment for the evolution of two souls.

The changes it goes through as an entity in itself

are the measure of the changes being undertaken by the individuals in it.

What we ask of our relationships is the measure of what they ask of us,

and of what, in time, we will each become.

–Daphne Rose Kingma

My love for you has no strings attached.

I love you for free.

–Tom Robbins

For one human being to love another human being:

that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us,

the ultimate task, the final test and proof,

the work for which all other work is merely preparation.

–Rainer Maria Rilke

May all beings be happy and at their ease.

May they be joyous and live in safety.

All beings, whether weak or strong B omitting none B

in high, middle, or low realms of existence,

small or great, visible or invisible,

here or far away,

born or to be born:

may all beings be happy and at their ease.

–Buddha

Happy Valentine’s Day, and happy More Loving-Kindness Consciousness Everyday to us all!

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If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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A Spiritual Perspective On Greed

“If I am not for myself, then who will be for me?
And if I am only for myself, then what am I?
And if not now, when?” — Rabbi Hillel

“The problem which divides people today is not a political problem;
it is a social one.
It is a matter of knowing which will get the upper hand,
the spirit of selfishness or the spirit of sacrifice;
whether society will go for ever-increasing enjoyment and profit,
or for everyone devoting themselves to the common good.” — Frederic Ozanam

We are social beings confronted with the fact that while many of us do as we please without concern for others, we cannot do so without affecting them. No matter how we isolate ourselves or ignore the plight of others, we still live in a web of relationships where our actions have consequences.

When resources are perceived to be limited, greed is an ethical issue whereby claiming
more for one’s self is done at the expense of others. Whether apportioning pieces of mother’s apple pie or the world’s crude oil reserves, the division of finite resources has consequential impact on all. How resources are distributed within a society is a function of its sense of separation or wholeness and its inclination toward internal competition or cooperation. This sets the moral tone of a society. When individuals disengage from concern for one another by becoming increasingly competitive, manipulative, and self-serving, morality is eroded.

Currently, we are socially programmed to believe that “more is better.” This perpetuates the illusion that one who has more is more valuable and successful than one who has less. We are taught that our self worth is contingent upon external standards of competition and accumulation of stuff. This consumes us in an insatiable quest for status driven by escalating desires. What one “needs” is no longer simply a matter of survival, but an expression of one’s ego as it seeks to distinguish itself from others striving to acquire the label “successful.” The urge to “measure up” propels us into a repetitive cycle of greed, seeking satisfaction and fulfillment through material gain. This drama is rooted in a “consciousness of lack.” Snared in greed’s grip, we are blind to the need to build community around a higher purpose than mere self-interest and material accumulation.

According to psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg, within the normal course of human development one evolves morally past the egocentricity of childhood into broader social perspectives, acquiring increasing sensitivity to the needs of others. However, his model assumes a social environment that encourages this process of moral development. Looking at American society today, it is apparent that many powerful societal forces including individualism, materialism, competition, capitalism, and the monetary measurement of success combine to stimulate our greed which in turn inhibits our moral maturation. There is nothing inherently wrong with material success and pleasures. However, when an entire society places too much emphasis on them, it pays the price of inclining its members toward moral and spiritual bankruptcy. Consumed by perceptions of lack, individuals and society as a whole turn their focus outward to patterns of unfulfilled desires rather than inward to the process of awakening awareness of the transcendental purpose of our lives.

A spiritual perspective on greed assumes belief in something greater than the identification of ourselves as merely bodies with personalities. It necessitates belief in something transcendent with which we ultimately reconcile our thoughts and behaviors. Over 95 percent of Americans claim to believe in God or some higher power. Yet, belief can be anything from a mere intellectual leap of faith to the very foundation upon which one lives life. While a hollow “belief” does little for us, actively living life in relationship to God obliges us to come to terms with our own finite nature and to live our life as an expression of our relationship to this God or sacred purpose.

In Buddhism, there are three concepts of evil: greed which involves pulling things toward the self; anger which is pushing things away from the self; and ignorance which is the result. Similarly, the fundamental principle of Taoism is the existence of “Tao” or “the way” a natural order or oneness in the universe from which nothing can be separated. Taoism teaches that one lives successfully only by surrendering to and cooperating with this implicit order. This does not suggest passivity, but rather an active disengagement from illusions of desire. One learns that to desire anything other than that which is, or to manipulate events or relationships to achieve personally desired outcomes is to violate this natural order.

Spiritually, greed can be seen as an expression of impatience and a judgment against God as having failed or forgotten to adequately provide for us. When we misinterpret a perceived lack as evidence that God has abandoned or failed us, there is a temptation to align ourselves with something more tangible, material, and seemingly controllable. Material greed is one of the fundamental ways through which this desire for self-will expresses itself. Doubting the existence or benevolence of God, we seek to live independently of God’s will as the guiding principle of life. Feeling out of control and afraid of suffering, we fire God, attempt to usurp command and play God. This ultimate rebellion against authority is fundamentally a crisis of faith.

While the Ten Commandments primarily identify forbidden actions, greed and the other Seven Deadly Sins and their counterparts in non-Christian traditions are about wrongful desires that are “off course” — that is, out of alignment with God or goodness or the Tao of life. Becoming ensnared in patterns of wrongful desire creates separation from others and from God.

Religious and spiritual teachings are filled with guidance on practicing generosity and gratitude rather than greed. For example, in Deuteronomy 26:1, people are obligated to bring the first annual fruits of the land to the Temple in thanks and gratitude to God.

Buddha teaches about freedom from addictions and desires. The essential dilemma of human life, as Buddha presents it, is that people get caught in time craving and desiring such transient things as beauty, youth, money, power, and the illusion of independence. When we become fixated upon these, we demand and pursue their fulfillment. This kind of attachment causes suffering because, in essence, we are attempting to make time stand still in order to gain a sense of power and control over our world.

In Christian teachings, greed is one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse appearing in the second of John’s seven visions where the consciousness is cleared and lifted by overcoming false types of thinking. The establishment of right thinking occurs through a reversal from an outward to an inward pursuit of happiness.

It seems that life is ironically yet exquisitely designed to teach us lessons through polar opposites. For example, we come to know light only through the presence of darkness. And greed’s opportunity is not through its fulfillment, but rather in recognizing its presence as feedback that we are moving further away from the true source of happiness in our lives.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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Why End-Of-Life Planning Is Such A Good Idea

The fact that most people do not even know what end-of-life planning involves is both sad and the source of an enormous amount of stress and distress for many families. We have all heard horror stories about families fighting over a loved one’s will or struggling over what medical treatment choices to make on their behalf when they are unable to communicate their wishes. These guessing games, power struggles and the heartache involved could all be avoided or drastically reduced if we would only face the reality of human mortality and document our preferences for the end of our lives in advance of need.

Talking about dying and death is a huge social taboo. It is almost as though we collectively put our hands over our eyes like children who innocently think, “if I don’t see it or look at it, it doesn’t exist.” But, it does. So, let’s take a look at the truth of this matter.

The key to effective end-of-life planning is not to race through filling out legal documents, but rather to take our time to thoughtfully clarify our thoughts, attitudes, beliefs and feelings about dying and death first. It is important to understand that our mental and emotional posture serves as the foundation for how we live our lives, which includes how we live our dying.

We need to take the time to understand the full scope of what is involved in putting our affairs in order and seek out solid information on each topical area. Then we can dive in and embrace the process. While perhaps daunting or a bit scary at first, many are surprised to find this a very interesting, self-revealing and liberating process.

The Five Areas of End-of-Life Preparation

  1. Your Values and Beliefs: Clarifying your beliefs about aging, incapacitation, dying and death serve as the foundation for all the decisions you will make regarding your own end-of-life process.
  2. Advance Healthcare Planning: Documenting your healthcare wishes. This involves a Healthcare Proxy (a legal form used to appoint an agent and an alternate to speak on your behalf in the event that you are unable to speak for yourself regarding your medical care) and a Living Will (a clear expression of your healthcare treatment preferences which is what any court would be looking for in the event of a dispute).
  3. Advance Financial Planning: Making decisions about your financial and material wealth that will provide for your own care and comfort through the end of your life as well as the disbursement of your possessions after your death (accomplished through a legal will or trust).
  4. Your Ethical Will: Documenting the story of your life from your point of view as a gift of love and understanding for those you will leave behind.
  5. Preferences for Your Deathday and End-of-Life Rituals: Providing instructions for your loved ones about your beliefs and desires regarding such things as whether you want to be cremated or buried, honored with a funeral and/or a memorial service, and whether you are a body, tissue or organ donor.

End-of-life planning is not about secretly hiding away documents that express your wishes, but rather using these documents as the basis for important conversations with your loved ones, doctor(s) and other advisors and caregivers so that your voice is heard and that any objections or concerns can be addressed in advance. This takes courage, yet it is the most loving thing we can do to prevent the heartache and horror stories that will otherwise be caused by not speaking up on our own behalf.

Understanding the importance of end-of-life planning doesn’t seem to be enough. So, let’s debunk some of the most common excuses we make for not putting our affairs in order:

Top Seven Excuses for Not Putting Our Affairs in Order

  1. Irrational Fears: “If I do the paperwork, then I will die soon and if I don’t do it, I won’t die because I won’t be ready yet.” — As with all fears, they are only as powerful as the energy we feed into them.
  2. I Don’t Have Time: “I’ll do it later. I’m too busy. Or, I’m young, and therefore I have plenty of time.” — How much time you have is not entirely in your control.
  3. It’s Too Overwhelming: “It’s all too much. I don’t know where to start.” — The risk involved in not having your affairs in order is just too high!
  4. I Don’t Like to Think About Things Like This: “It’s too creepy to deal with this stuff.” — This is not something you do because you like it. You do it as an act of love for yourself and those you will leave behind.
  5. It’s Too Expensive: “I can’t afford the legal expense right now.” — It will be far more expensive financially, legally and emotionally for you and for your loved ones if you don’t get this done, plus you forfeit the right to direct your own affairs.
  6. Confidentially: “I don’t want anyone knowing too much about my personal affairs.” — You don’t want them knowing too little either. Remember, you have complete control over who you choose to provide what information.
  7. Fear of Dying and Death: “I’m afraid.” — Death is not a mistake. It is a normal part of living for all sentient beings on Planet Earth. The better we are able to accept our mortality, the more fully we are able to embrace and enjoy our life.

If you are not convinced yet to put your affairs in order, consider the payoffs.

The Top Five Payoffs for Putting Your Affairs in Order Now!

  1. Protecting Your Right to Make Your Own Decisions: Having decisions made from your point of view — not someone else’s.
  2. Demonstrating Your Love for Those You Hold Dear: The more you do in advance of need, the less your loved ones will have to do. Preparation eliminates the potential for family disputes over what to do.
  3. Minimizing Professional Fees: Good information gathering and organization can save thousands of dollars in professional fees to pay someone to second guess what only we know about our affairs.
  4. Dealing with the Reality That Death is an Unscheduled Event: Each day that goes by without getting your affairs in order increases the probability that you will not have them done when the need arises.
  5. Claiming Your Freedom From Guilt, Fear, Shame, Stress and Avoidance: Imagine how much energy you have expended in avoiding taking care of this and how wonderful it will be to free up this energy, stop its ongoing drainage and have the satisfaction of having your affairs in order.

I rest my case!

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If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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