Archive for month: December, 2016

This is the first in a series of posts on the topic of death that will be published over the next several weeks.

We don’t do death well in this country which results in a lot of unnecessary suffering. Most of us do not talk about death and are terribly uncomfortable being in death’s presence. Yet, death is normal. By treating death like an invisible elephant sitting in the room, we deprive ourselves of making peace with our mortality, of deeply communicating with and comforting each other in the face of death and of taking the opportunity to make meaningful plans for the end of our life’s journey.

Talking about and dealing with death is our last great social taboo. We all know that we will die someday as will our beloved ones and cherished pets and everybody else. Yet, most of us relate to death as wrong — as something that shouldn’t happen.

The taboo against talking about or dealing with death runs deep in our culture. As a result, most of us relate to death much like children squeezing our eyes shut behind our covering hands, as though what we were looking at has disappeared because we aren’t seeing it. According to a 2011 Associated Press-LifeGoesStrong poll, Americans are typically unwilling to face their own mortality and many fear that the mere act of planning for the end of life will somehow hasten their demise.

Despite our difficulty in dealing with death, its presence as our one certainty begs the question of our relationship to death and how that informs the quality of our lives. Treating death as bad and life as good puts us in the position of resisting and avoiding death as though we could somehow beat the 100 to 1 odds that we will indeed die. This polarized view of life and death deprives us of developing a better understanding of the meaning, wisdom and blessings that the full cycle of life and death bring to our lives. Those who have the courage to accept the reality of death and to observe and experience it with their eyes wide open have access to this deeper understanding.

Social taboos take time to lose their grip on us. Typically, a few brave souls recognize a need to swim upstream against the current, and little by little a momentum builds until an alternative way of being becomes an option. Breaking through a taboo happens one person at a time, one situation at a time as a result of conscious and determined effort. The really good news is that we are living in very exciting times in terms of the prospects for disempowering the taboo against death in America. We are seeing more and more hospice and other palliative care programs that are teaching us a kinder and gentler approach to the end of life. Doctors and other health care workers are being challenged to reframe how they view death from seeing it as a professional failure to accepting the limitations of medicine and technology and the wisdom of passing the baton to a palliative care program as a way to comfort patients who are dying.

The baby boomers, now ages 47-65, are becoming elder boomers. Beginning Jan. 1, 2011, an average of 10,000 boomers will turn 65 each day. Thus, death is becoming a much more familiar part of the landscape of our lives as boomers care for aging and dying parents, and watch more and more of their peers face chronic and terminal illnesses and death.

Buddhist teachings advise us to avoid attachments and aversions as they block our ability to be present in the true reality of our lives. With both attachments and aversions we attempt to play God, saying “I must have this” or “I must never have that.” When we resist death, not only are we engaging in a statistically losing battle, but we exhaust our precious energy trying to avoid the inevitable rather than accepting and working with what is truly present. By resisting and avoiding death, while holding on for dear life to life, we end up with a life filled with always trying to second guess what is coming and grabbing hold of whatever we like that comes our way while pushing away that which we do not want.

The result of avoiding talking about or dealing with death is that when we are forced to experience death either as a spectator or as the one who is dying, most of us are woefully ill-prepared mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Death shocks and disturbs us not because it is some awful occurrence but because we have made it so. In reality, death is quite normal. Each of us is born, has a life and then dies. Life and death are inexorably paired — we don’t get to have one without the other. That is not negotiable. However, our attitude and beliefs about death and how we relate to life and death are both socially and individually negotiable.

As a life coach, minister and grief counselor I have encountered an enormous range of beliefs and behaviors regarding death and have seen how profoundly these points of view inform the lives of my clients. At one extreme, I have worked with people who are so terrified by the fact that they will someday die that they are unable to function in their daily lives. At the other extreme are those who have either intentionally explored their fear of death or those who have had a life experience that brought them to a place of peace and acceptance of their mortality. Some among this later group have shared that by changing their perspective on death, they have also changed how they view humanity and they find themselves more deeply compassionate and understanding of themselves and others.

I would love to know your thoughts on this subject. Please leave a comment below or send me an email at: judithjohnson@hvc.rr.com. Here are some questions to think about:

  • How do you relate to death?
  • Does it scare you or are you at peace with your mortality?
  • Have you had any life experiences that have profoundly changed your view of death?
  • How does the reality of death affect how you live your life?
  • What are your thoughts and concerns about death?
  • What would you like to see our society do differently about how we deal with dying and death?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

Can you imagine “getting over” the death of someone you love deeply in four days? That’s the average paid leave given by American businesses according to “Grief Index: The ‘Hidden’ Annual Costs of Grief in America’s Workplace.” The truth is there is no “getting over” the death of a loved one in either our business or private life. Rather, it takes time for us to find a new normalcy and to restore our ability to function effectively.

Grief can take its toll in all areas of our lives. In terms of the workplace, “Grief Index” provides an eye-opening perspective on the mental, emotional and financial costs of grief incurred by American businesses. It estimates that one in four employees is grieving at any given time. Defining grief as “the normal and natural emotional reaction to the change or end in any familiar pattern of behavior,” the study estimates an average annual cost in lost productivity, lost business and poor performance of more than $75 billion for all grief-inducing experiences. $46.9 billion is attributed to the death of a family member, colleague, friend, or animal companion alone.

Consider the following findings from the “Grief Index” study. Among the 25,000 participants:

  • 85 percent of management-level decision makers indicated that their decision-making ranked from “very poor” to “fair” in the weeks or months following the grief incident that affected them.
  • 90 percent of those in blue collar and other physical jobs indicated a much higher incidence of physical injuries due to reduced concentration in the weeks or months following the grief incident [compared to their ability to concentrate prior to the major loss].
  • When study participants were asked if their reduced ability to concentrate affected them for any period of time beyond any allowed bereavement time, in the case of the death of a loved one, 75 percent indicated that reduced capacity affected them significantly beyond the allowed leave.
  • Asked to estimate the amount of lost days they believe were the direct and immediate result of their reduced focus, 50 percent reported at least 30 lost days in which their value to the company or business was dramatically reduced, and may well have contained significant negative consequences in the form of poor decision making, poor supervisory skills, reduced sales ability and increased workplace accidents and injuries. An additional 20 percent reported being affected for substantially longer than 30 days.

In these stressful financial times, it can be challenging for a grieving employee to acknowledge their vulnerability and loss for fear of losing their job. Yet the denial of our grief in order to carry on as expected is far more dangerous than acknowledging that grief is typically a devastating experience that is best healed with time, compassion and reduced expectations of productivity. When we suppress our grief, it expresses itself in other ways such as depression, anger, addiction, substance abuse and physical illness. Consider a very dear friend of mine, with no prior history of heart disease, who suddenly needed heart bypass surgery just five months after his mother died.

The love that connects us is powerful, profound and for most of us, our most treasured possession. So, when someone we love dies, it is quite normal to be torn asunder. Just as our physical resources are diverted to the healing process after a serious illness or injury, so is our mental and emotional energy redirected to the grieving process or the avoidance of this natural process, whether we like it or not.

Grief is an equal-opportunity employer — whether you are a CEO or an assembly line worker, when you are grieving you are a human being with a broken heart. While there are predictable responses to grief, each of us will have our own unique journey through the grieving process. Grief has a life of its own and cannot be neatly compartmentalized on your calendar.

Until now, we have been living in a culture where grief is largely misunderstood, unsupported and silenced by the taboo against talking about or dealing with death in our country. Grieving has been largely a private matter that isolated us from others. The good news is that things are beginning to change in this regard.

There are more and more grief counseling services being made available. If you can’t find any in your community, consider calling Good Grief Center for Bereavement Support . They offer free support to any part of the English-speaking world over the phone toll free at 1-888-474-3388, as well as through their website. If you or someone you love is grieving, consider taking any of the following actions:

  • Give Good Grief a call.
  • Check out the services of The Grief Recovery Institute — the authors of the Grief Index.
  • Find out if there are private grief counseling and/or support group services available in your community.
  • See if your employer offers any proactive or responsive grief services.

Some of the specific services you might ask your employer about include:

  • Grief education programs or literature for the person who is grieving, their family, and/or business colleagues.
  • Referral services for confidential counseling (paid for or not by the company).
  • A support network of employees/mentors who have faced a similar personal crisis.
  • A flexible conversion plan that allows workers to convert their vacation or personal time to cash, which is then used to offset lost income for co-workers who take time off to deal with a crisis.

If these services are not available through your employer, but you think any of them would be a good idea, suggest them to your Human Services department. Good Grief Bereavement Support also has a program called “Grief in the Workplace” that will work with your company to develop a customized program that fits the culture of your organization.

Remember, grief is normal and if you think you need some help and compassion, you don’t have to be alone in your grief. But you do have to reach out for help. You might be surprised by the resources available.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

“For most of human history, people died fast.
Now suddenly, we have the opportunity to grow old,
to have an illness for a long period of time,
and to know what’s coming.
We could make this an important phase of life.”
— Joanne Lynn, M.D., “Americans for Better Care of the Dying”

It may sound peculiar, but there are some very exciting things happening where death is concerned in America. The momentum of change in how we view and respond to death is building in many sectors of society as we transform our culture of death. For example, consider the following changes:

  • People are choosing memorial services and celebrations in addition to or instead of a traditional funeral. This allows for a more personalized ritual customized to the particular beliefs and sensibilities of the deceased. It also allows for both mourning the loss of a loved one and celebrating the life he or she lived.
  • Cremation is rapidly becoming the preferred method of body disposition and is projected to surpass burial, reaching 51 percent by 2025 in the U.S. Traditional funerals and burial rites are becoming one of several options rather than the only way to go. Even burial rites are changing with a growing number of requests for environmentally friendly green burials.
  • In medicine, the mission of preserving life coupled with evermore sophisticated technologies have made it difficult for doctors to see death as anything other than a professional failure. With the introduction of hospice and other palliative care programs over the past 30 years, medical schools and the health care industry are beginning to embrace the emerging culture of compassionate comfort care for the dying.
  • The end of life is no longer being seen simply as a time of diminished capacity spent fighting against an illness that is simply taking its natural course. Instead, there is a growing awareness of the need to take time for coming to terms with one’s death, reviewing one’s life, putting one’s affairs in order, and for saying final goodbyes.
  • Advances are being made in the area of local and internet bereavement services which are helping to reduce the isolation of the grieving and are providing support and education about the grieving process. Businesses are becoming more aware of the impact of grief on productivity in the workplace and, as a result, are increasingly providing educational and support services for their employees and community.

Unfortunately, in our personal lives, death is still largely a taboo topic. Most of us are not comfortable talking to each other about our thoughts and fears about the uncertainties surrounding dying and death. The irrational fear that preparing for death will hasten its arrival or cause medical personnel to “pull the plug” stops many of us from putting our affairs in order in advance of need. It’s been reported 30-40 percent of us still do not have advance health care directives to instruct medical personnel and loved ones about personal preferences for emergency and/or end-of-life medical care. Instead, we tend to just let these things happen and be dealt with while in crisis mode.

The deeper and more profound conversation about the meaning and mysteries of death and how our view of death informs how we live our life has not yet reached public discourse. The prevailing belief remains that life is good and death is bad. When someone dies, most think of it as a tragedy rather than seeing it for what it is — the normal course of events. Yet, dying comes with living. No one gets to live without dying. So, death is every bit as normal as birth is, yet we still shroud it in stigma, fear and rejection. Next week’s article will discuss the potential available to us all, both individually and collectively, in making our peace with death.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

There are those among us who are leading the way in demonstrating how to break free of society’s taboo around death. While most of us might be likely to awkwardly say “your color looks good today” to a dying loved one, someone who has made peace with death would be more likely to take his or her hand and say, “I love you and am going to miss you so much.”

For most of us, being around dying and death evokes a visceral response of fear and avoidance. We basically view life as good and death as bad. Our fear makes us contract and respond in fight or flight or freeze mode. We react against death and try to keep it away from us precisely because we have been taught that it is bad. People who have made peace with death have a completely different mindset. They tend to see death as normal as birth and are as open to its wonders and mysteries as they are to those of birth. This doesn’t mean that they are exempt from the sorrow and grief of losing a loved one. However, they have learned how to bring their loving, caring, kindness, compassion and even humor to the bedside of the dying.

Next time you find yourself in the presence of a dying loved one while hiding your tears and
sorrow behind a fragile masked smile, consider the following keys to how people who have made peace with death behave:

  1. See death as normal. Rather than seeing death as something awful to be avoided at all cost, see if you can shift your thinking by exploring the fact that while death is inescapable, our attitudes and beliefs about death are actually quite negotiable. Challenge yourself to break free of giving death such a bad rap. If you believe in God, consider the fact that God was not suffering a loss of intelligence and simply having a bad day when conceiving of death as essential to the human experience.
  2. Don’t try to run away from death or avoid it — be in it and be open to experience it. As with any fear, the fear of death kicks in the fight/flight/freeze response. This instinctual response is built upon the assumption that there is something terribly wrong with death. When you liberate yourself from only seeing death as bad, you will begin to recognize that death is a great teacher of how to embrace and honor life more deeply. Be open to the lessons that death presents to you. Breathe into death rather than standing breathless in fear of death. Stories and memories of the dying and their loved ones are rich with references to sharing a sweeter and more profound love than ever before. Be vulnerable. It’s OK to cry. We don’t need to protect each other from the depth of our emotions, but rather to give each other permission to authentically share our truth.
  3. Focus on being of service. Do what you can to make the journey of dying and death easier for yourself and others. When you are not busy being afraid of death, you can set about the business of being of service. If you are the person with a terminal illness this might involve putting your affairs in order — for example, being sure you have an up-to-date will or trust and health care directives, documenting your preferences for your eventual end-of-life ritual, organizing your files and personal affairs, saying thoughtful goodbyes and giving your forgiveness where needed. If your loved one is dying, you can be of service just by showing up and paying attention to what is needed in the moment — a tissue, a foot rub, reading a book, sharing memories, or just silently bearing witness. Don’t forget to include the family and primary caregiver of the dying. Dropping off a quart of soup or calling and asking if you can provide some shopping, cooking, cleaning or laundry relief or something else that would be of help are all expressions of a consciousness of service.
  4. Be fearless. Be authentic. Be yourself. Be loving. When you disassemble your fear, you are left with your authenticity. When you are authentic, it is easier to feel and express your loving. When all is said and done, freedom from fear is better than being paralyzed by fear. It takes courage to achieve freedom from the external pressure to conform to a mode of behavior that serves no one. Have the courage to let your loving and caring show no matter how difficult and awkward it might feel to express it. The more you allow yourself to express it, the less awkward it feels. Think about it. If you were dying, what would you rather have someone bring you than love? What could possibly be more precious to you? Think about that next time you just don’t know what to say or find yourself avoiding the dying and their loved ones.
  5. Allow yourself and others to fully experience the range of grief and sorrow that are normal parts of dealing with dying, death, and bereavement. Emotions can be messy and challenge our preference for the illusion that we can control life. When we don’t express our emotions, we tend to repress them and/or medicate them away. Consider this request from a grieving woman posted on www.opentohope.com:

“I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about what is going on in my life, and to ask what you can do to help. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears … I wish you wouldn’t pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side … I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counselling. Grieving and what I’m going through is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over if and when I appear to be smiling or happy. I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight … sleep all the time or not at all … want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief … Please don’t try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon … I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain. These are just temporary crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it. I have to hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood that grief and difficult situations change people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again …

To read the full text go to: http://community.opentohope.com/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=107#p190

It is entirely up to each and every one of us whether we stay frozen in fear in the face of dying, death and bereavement or break free and make peace with the normalcy of death. I invite you to try some of the suggestions given above and to share other ideas through comments below.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

Not since your conversation about the birds and the bees have you and your parents faced such a difficult conversation. Sooner or later, adult children and their elderly parents need to talk about the parents’ medical, financial and legal affairs. The inescapable truth is that at some point the responsibility will fall upon the children to ensure the quality of the parents’ care, to carry out their wishes and to finalize their personal affairs. Having an effective dialogue about this will depend on the family’s unique circumstances, the parent’s mental, emotional and physical condition and the quality of family relationships. Here are seven tips for successfully discussing these sensitive private matters.

Above all else, be gentle, kind, loving and supportive – treat your parents as you would wish to be treated.

I welcome your comments.

If you would like to suggest a topic for a future blog or ask me to address a particular situation or issue, please email me here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

Mention death, and specifically human mortality, and most people become visibly disturbed. Yet each and every one of us will die sooner or later, and no one knows when. Thinking about death in the abstract is one thing, but embracing your own mortality is quite another matter.

Within the context of our typical dualistic thinking, we tend to view life as good and death as bad. Yet, death is normal, neither good nor bad. Each one of us is born, lives and dies. We exist in a cycle, a lifespan of unknown duration. Each of us has been a baby, a child, an adolescent and now we are somewhere in our adulthood, maturing, aging, slowing down. Each stage of life provides a different kind of opportunity for learning and growing and experiencing life and gaining wisdom. Death is not negotiable. It is as essential as life to the great mystery of our existence.

So, let’s take a look at some of the really good things about death:

  • Thinking about death makes us think more deeply about how we are living our lives. It’s a funny thing how the rarity of a commodity increases its value to us. So, if we live as though we will live forever, we are less likely to find as much richness in life as we do when we really understand that any moment could be our last. Death makes life precious.
  • Death levels the playing field. No one has the hometown advantage. It doesn’t matter how much money you have, how pretty you are or how educated; you’re still going to die. Death is an equal-opportunity experience.
  • Death punctuates life and gives it meaning. If we simply lived on and on and on endlessly, without stages of growth and maturation, we would have no reference point for our experiences. It may not seem like we were going anywhere. We might lack the motivation to make a go of it before it’s too late.
  • Death teaches us to live with the unknown. No matter how much we try to control ourselves, our lives and others, life is full of surprises, and there is a whole lot more going on here than we can even begin to fathom. No matter how important we might think we are, each of us is humbled by the reality that there are forces at work beyond our control. That makes life a whole lot more interesting than if we could control everything. The mysteries of life, like the fact that we breathe or the fact that we even exist, are fantastic. There is something to be in awe of and the existence of death is one of the things that serve as a reminder of that which is greater than anything we can create or control.
  • Death teaches us to accept our own limitations. The mere existence of death tells us that there are boundaries to what we can do, be and have in life. It also reminds us that all our material gain must be left behind in the end.
  • Death is good for the economy! Alright, this might be stretching it, but think about it. Produce goes bad if left too long in the refrigerator. Flowers die, and we buy new ones. If everything and everyone stayed vibrant, we’d have no need for health-care, garbage collection, tag sales, a cosmetic industry or most plastic surgery. Death is a booming industry!

Much has been written about death. Here are some wonderful quotations about death to contemplate:

If you would like to suggest a topic for a future blog or ask me to address a particular situation or issue, please email me here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

When it comes to going after what you love in life,
don’t take “NO” for an answer.
— Regina Brett

Much of our stress and dis-ease in life is caused by living a life that does not resonate with our own inner truth. We hide from ourselves and each other in big and little ways each day. We find ourselves blaming and judging other people, our situation or circumstances for our unhappiness, not realizing that its deeper source lies within us. In failing to recognize and honor our own truth, we sacrifice our own well-being. Why do we do this? I’ve noticed that it is usually for one of three reasons — either we sacrifice ourselves to please or support others, to conform to social norms, or we are too afraid of what might happen if we really gave ourselves permission to be fully ourselves.

Having it your way doesn’t mean that we should all be selfish, greedy and self-centered. Rather, it is about being honest and true to ourselves by living life as a reflection of our inner truth. This takes courage and ruthless personal honesty.

Each of us has a unique set of preferences, needs, talents and abilities that affect how we see ourselves in the world and how others see us as well. Among the strongest influences on our identity are our gender, race, family, socioeconomic affiliations, culture, moment in history, etc. No matter how similar we are to another, each of us has our very own unique way. Just as we might prefer to “hold the pickle, hold the lettuce” on our burger, we each have a personal sensibility about many things in life. We might prefer the country to the city or the color turquoise to red. We might have a great voice, tremendous business acumen or parenting skills. Being conscious of your own talents, abilities, preferences and deeply held beliefs and values is the foundation upon which you can build your life your way.

Each of us is an original and can’t be replaced. When we fail to recognize and celebrate who we are, it is a collective as well as a personal loss. The less we live as who we are the less alive we are. Knowing ourselves and what we are capable of contributing is not only personally liberating, but socially responsible as well. This doesn’t mean that we are all meant to be stars. Many of us contribute quietly or to only a small group. The point is to be who we really are and to give our best. Anything less cheats us all.

If you are feeling out of sync with yourself or with the world, the following five steps will help you find your way to living your life your way.

Step 1:  Develop the Willingness and Ability to Recognize Your Own Inner Truth:  Many of us have only a vague sense of what matters to us, yet we are quick to judge anyone who doesn’t agree with us as though the whole world should share our point of view.  It takes time and intention to get below this surface level of encountering life to develop a clear understanding of who we are and what really matters to us so we can live from the inside out.  Paying attention inwardly is essential to really getting to know ourselves.  The truth is we all hear voices in our heads – unfortunately, for many of us the voices of fear, doubt, self-sabotage and judgment often speak the loudest.  Listen for the voice that values you, your skills and abilities and is always there to encourage you on to find the courage and creativity to face whatever life brings your way.  This is the innocent yet powerful voice of your true self.

Step 2:  Develop the Courage and Commitment to Honor and Embrace Your Truth: Once you have come to recognize the voice of your own inner truth, create a routine of checking in at least once a day to see if you are on track.  If you are facing difficult challenges, a lot more inner focus will be required.  Ask yourself questions like: “When was I on course/off course today?”  “What is working for me and what is not?”  “How can I tell the difference?”  Listen and notice if the negative voices try to insert their point of view.  Their ultimate message is always to give up and see yourself as a failure and/or as unworthy of what really matters to you.  It is important to become conscious of what they are saying to you because only then can you do something about it.  Assert your own power by refuting the negative remarks.  Respond to inner negativity by reframing your perspective in a way that you can see your own courage and goodness and build upon that.

Step 3:   Trust Yourself No Matter How Uncharted the Territory:    No matter how long you have been afraid or following someone else’s lead, the opportunity is always there to wake up and get into the driver’s seat in your own life.  If you haven’t done so yet, why not now?  Everything in life involves choices and trade-offs.  No matter how high a mountain of change might look to you, always remember you progress one step at a time and you get to control your pace.  The more you trust yourself and the wisdom of honoring your own truth, the easier it will become to make this your normal way of behaving.

 Step 4:  Give Yourself Permission to Be Happy:  Remember Henry Ford’s famous quote: “If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.”   We die a little each day when we don’t believe that we have the right to live according to what is true for us.  The willingness to be happy gives us the ability to be happy.  Try it!

Step 5: Practice Being the Real You Until it Becomes Your Natural Way of Being:                                                                                                                                           The more authentic we become, the happier we get and happiness that is rooted in truth is a beautiful thing.  Since our lives are reflections of our inner relationship with ourselves, a life built on truth is about as good as it gets.

Celebrate and share the gift of who you really are!

When the promises of a bride and groom are made in the bubble of romantic love, yet untested by life, there is naiveté and ignorance about what life can bring. As a minister who marries many couples, I have come to accept that life will have its way with each couple. They will be tested by the tides of life, by chance and circumstance, by the routines of daily living, and by the full cycle of the seasons of life. While they may think they are entering their marriage with the knowledge that together they will face life’s sorrow no less than its sweetness, there is usually an accompanying and typically unspoken belief that “it will be different for us because we love each other so much.”

Marriage isn’t really about the two united against the world, but rather the two individuals in a world full of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual challenges and surprises. Their challenge is to figure out how to sustain their love, while honoring and cherishing themselves and each other through it all. Will they be able to fan the fire of their love enough to make their love more important to them than anything else that challenges them along the way?

I deeply believe that there is nothing more important than loving one another. However, love must be matured, tested, deepened, and strengthened by the trials and triumphs of life. The challenge is, how do I accept the fact that we will both disappoint ourselves and each other? How do I love you when I don’t like how you are behaving? How do I love you when you hurt me, disappoint me, betray me or turn against me? How do I love myself when I am the one who falls short of my own beliefs and values? How do I know if I need to leave my marriage?

Even the best of marriages can end. For some, this is the loss of an oasis in the world and it’s hard to let go of that, although when you are thinking of leaving your oasis has probably long since become a battleground. I’ve known many couples who met in their youth and became each other’s safe place in the world to run to from abuse or other challenges at home (where they were supposed to be safe). Thinking they would be safe together forever, they often find themselves unable to comprehend or accept the adult scars of their partner’s childhood traumas or how their respective needs change over time.

I think we would all have a better chance at creating a successful marriage if we first learned how to love ourselves rather than looking for someone else to love us instead. The two are not mutually exclusive, but the quality of our ability to love another is directly proportionate to how well we have learned to love ourselves. Wouldn’t it be interesting if we were required to pass a certification program in self respect and self love before we could qualify for a marriage license?

Regardless of whether a couple decides to move forward together or separately, it is important to recognize that relationships are wonderful teachers. When things get rough, we often polarize against our partner, blaming and judging them for whatever has occurred. We forget that it takes two to tango and sometimes we are simply disowning our own dark side by projecting it onto our partner and then rejecting them for it.

Remember that the real world we live in together is not utopia. That’s why marriage vows ask us to love, honor, and cherish each other for richer or poorer, in good times and bad, and in sickness and in health. In other words, rather than making the other person wrong when life doesn’t go your way, consider building skills in loving yourself and each other through the challenges that come along.

Consider whether it is possible to sacrifice your judgments, expectations, and any other ways that you have learned to separate yourself from your partner. Unless your partner is physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive, you should be willing to get some altitude above the situation and look at what each of you is doing that is creating the problem. Communicate honestly about what you are experiencing without making your partner wrong. Don’t pretend that you are helpless and hopeless, living at the effect of your partner’s attitude and behavior. Participate fully in your life and hold yourself accountable for your actions and reactions as well.

When two people are simply unable to sustain their love for each other and are unwilling to spend the remainder of their life in what is left of their relationship, then divorce becomes a way to set each other free. In the best of divorces, partners are able to say goodbye and sincerely wish each other well, taking with them fond memories and valuable life lessons.

If you have ever been through a divorce, you probably know that place in your consciousness that becomes unsure of how to ever trust your own judgment again. “I chose this person. I loved this person. I really thought we would spend the rest of our lives together being loving and kind and supportive to each other. Now, we can’t stand the sight of each other and are trying to get more than our share in a divorce settlement.” What really happens to people like this? While not all divorces end in animosity, too many do. There are also marriages that, for a variety of reasons, are better terminated.

For some couples, leaving is never an option. If it is, then even your dearest confidant cannot and should not tell you to leave your marriage. You and your partner made sacred vows to each other. Only you know if you cannot or will not honor that vow going forward. It is a deep personal decision; look only into your own heart to find the answer. Beyond anger, beyond fear there is a part of you that simply knows.

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The beautiful thing about the sequence of the Laws of Spirit is that it so clearly delineates what needs to happen in our hearts and minds to be open to the flow of God’s wisdom, love, grace, and blessings in our lives. Ultimately, it leads us to the fifth Law of Spirit: enthusiasm. In “non-God” terms, enthusiasm is the state of one’s mind and emotions where we are free of personal considerations and open to experience life as it is. Through acceptance, understanding and love it is possible to shift your perspective on whatever person or situation you are dealing with and find yourself in a state of enthusiasm for the perfection of the situation on some level.

In its spiritual interpretation, enthusiasm refers to moving past your mind and emotions to tap into divine energy, or for those who speak in non-God terms, achieving the most clear, pure, open, and free state of consciousness possible, what the Buddhists call “nirvana.” It is an expansion of consciousness beyond the mundane yet evident in how we handle the mundane. It is an expression of those qualities that nurture inner peace, openness, unconditional loving, and awareness of God’s presence in our lives. Enthusiasm is beyond the emotions where every cell of your being is in alignment with what you are doing, you are filled with joy, and synchronicity is familiar territory in your life.

A more common understanding of enthusiasm is that “oh goody, I got what I wanted” feeling — the “I’m so excited I’m getting married,” or “I got a big raise,” or “I got a publishing contract” kind of excitement. Indeed, that is a kind of enthusiasm, but here we are looking at a more profound form — the kind that emanates from your soul.

A great example of enthusiasm came from a reader, Elaine Mansfield, who wrote in regarding last week’s blog on the Fourth Law of Spirit — Love. She described her husband’s way of moving through the last two years of his life with cancer as follows:

Vic was often alarmingly ill and mentally jangled by the medicines and the disease, but decided from the beginning that even though he was too messed up to focus in meditation or study his favorite spiritual teachers, he could be kind to everyone — me, his sons, the nurses, the custodians in the hospital, his students, his doctor. Everyone. As you would expect, he received buckets of love and kindness in return and everyone who helped him get to the other side learned the power of spiritual love and human kindness.

Many people pay lip service to believing in God or a particular spiritual principle. This man demonstrated how to breathe life into his beliefs. What a blessing to all who knew him or hear his story.

Consider if there is a place in your life where you might benefit from some enthusiasm. Ask yourself:

  • What are my deepest beliefs, and how do I live those beliefs?
  • In what area(s) of my life do I play God instead of opening to the divine flow?
  • How might my life be different if I surrendered my willfulness and “won’tfulness?”
  • In what area of my life or in what relationships do I feel out of alignment with my highest self?

I think the human condition makes it pretty difficult to sustain our enthusiasm — unless we are as evolved as the Dalai Lama, who giggles all the time. But it matters in what direction we strive. The quality of our lives depends on it.

Ultimately, enthusiasm is a delightful inner experience that is always available to us. All we have to do is to surrender into it by journeying through the process of acceptance, cooperation, understanding, and love.

I hope you enjoyed this series on the Laws of Spirit and would love to hear your thoughts and comments.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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It is true that there are stages to grief, though no two people grieve in exactly the same way. However, something has been missing in our understanding of grief that offers an opportunity for many of us to lessen our pain and suffering when faced with a major loss. That key is to understand the way we have been culturally programmed to react to death.

Each culture has its own mindset about death that consciously and unconsciously influences the beliefs, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors of its members. The guidance of a particular culture seeps through the pores of its members, shaping their thinking and behavior. Mostly, we learn through observation, repetition, and the reactions of others if we step out of line. Social norms and taboos guide us in what is considered proper and acceptable and what is frowned upon. Those of us raised in the United States, for example, have been culturally programmed to believe that death somehow shouldn’t even exist — it’s not fair, it’s wrong, and to be avoided at all cost. Is it any wonder than that when dying, death, or bereavement knock at our door, we respond with a fight/flight/freeze response and avoid death like the plague?

We are uncomfortable with even the thought of death. That’s why many hospitals avoid using the word “death” in the presence of patients and their loved ones, even when it is not in reference to them specifically. One contemporary hospital uses a code to spread the word among the medical and nursing staff when a patient dies. Rather than simply saying that someone has died, they say, “Guess who won’t be shopping at Walmart anymore?” If we are this uncomfortable with even the mention of the word “death,” how are we supposed to deal with its reality in our lives? How are we supposed to know how to be in death’s presence let alone tolerate its very existence?

It is not our fault if we are uncomfortable around death, because that is how we have been trained to respond. The fear of death is at once culturally pervasive yet deeply private. Having been taught to fear death and to believe that it is fundamentally wrong and undesirable has set us up to be ill-equipped to deal with it on any level. In terms of grief and bereavement, I can’t help but wonder how much of our suffering is directly attributable to this dysfunctional belief.

Beliefs are the filters through which we interpret the events and experiences of our lives. If one person believes that death is bad and shouldn’t happen, and the other accepts death as a normal part of the human journey, then who is likely to suffer more when grieving the death of a loved one? Clearly, the one who thinks death is bad and wrong. When something is unacceptable to us, we are so busy being angry and resistant to its reality that processing it and dealing with it are overwhelming. When someone accepts death, they can get on with the business of grieving their loss, while those unable to accept death must deal with their negative emotions about its existence as well.

Accepting death is not about liking it, but acknowledging its normalcy and inescapable nature in the course of human life. Acceptance allows us to access the wisdom and intimacy with our loved ones that is available when we are not busy denying death.

When my mother was dying, for example, we acknowledged that she was dying with each other, and that gave us the freedom to say what we wanted and needed to say to each other about what was really going on. I knew, for example, that she was really curious and impatient to find out what happens when you die and that she believed that she would be greeted by loved ones who had predeceased her. So, when she actually died, I was able to be really happy for her and comforted that she would finally have her answer; she would see her mother and husband again, and be freed from all the physical pain she had been experiencing. Did I want her to die? Never — but I was happy for her. During those final months of her life we were also able to share a level of vulnerability and intimacy with each other that we had never had before. We knew time was running out and we took full advantage. My choice to make caring for my mother my top priority for the final six months of her life taught me a depth and breadth of love I had never known before and that I will treasure always. Had I stayed in my fear and allowed it to keep me at arm’s length, I would have missed out on a lot of riches.

Wouldn’t it be in our best interest as a society to transform our fear-based culture of death by encouraging a healthier belief about death as a normal occurrence? What would it be like if we lived in a society that taught us to take time to be of service to the dying and allowed us time to do our grieving? There is so much we could do to educate and prepare ourselves to handle death with greater loving, service, and compassion.

The fact is that the dynamics of fear are exactly what stand in our way of accepting our mortality and in evolving a healthy relationship with death. Fear contracts our energy and paralyzes us from thoughtfully and compassionately responding to the object of our fear. When what is feared is death, quite a conundrum is created because no one can avoid death. Unless we learn to transform the energy of fearing death, we live in fear and die afraid.

The bottom line is a fear-based view of death is unhealthy and fails to serve us as individuals or as a society. Consider your own experiences with death. Do you avoid death and even the topic of death like the plague? Do you see death as defeat or failure — something to be avoided at all cost? When you hear that someone has died, do you automatically react with the belief that it shouldn’t have happened? When you have a bouquet of flowers and they start to wilt and die, does some part of you think it shouldn’t be that way — that they should stay fresh and beautiful forever? Is that why we invented plastic flowers?

If you are not already on board to help bring this change about — I hope you will explore your personal beliefs and behaviors around dying, death, and bereavement and seek out opportunities to help challenge and transform our culture of death in your home, at work, and in the community.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.