Posts

,

If I Were Queen: The Power of Vulnerability and Letting Go of Control

What if the way we protect ourselves is also what keeps us from feeling fully alive?

For many years, I found myself saying, “If I were queen…” whenever I felt frustrated with the way people behave and the way the world works. This was long before “No Kings” became a thing.

I objected to so many things. Selfishness. Greed. Deception. Violence. Irresponsibility. Betrayal. Ignorance. Corruption. Incompetence. Apathy. Denial. Lying. Cheating. Stealing. I could go on and on. Whenever I observed or experienced these things, they stirred something deep within me. A sadness that felt ancient. A rage that simmered just beneath the surface.

Over time, that sadness and rage built to the point where I felt the need to protect myself from further hurt. It took me a long time to realize that I was living my life as if I had both arms extended out in front of me like stop signs. Somehow, I had come to believe that I needed to keep everyone and everything at arm’s length so no one could hurt me.

But that way of living came at a cost.

Have you ever noticed yourself doing something like this?

Learning Vulnerability

Then I began to understand the power of vulnerability not as a concept, but as a lived experience. I discovered that vulnerability is not weakness. It is the doorway to truth, connection, and freedom.

I came to see that in protecting myself from being hurt, I was also preventing myself from being known. In hiding, I cut myself off from love, belonging, and inner peace. I may have appeared strong on the outside, but something essential within me remained untouched.

Little by little, I practiced vulnerability and dissolved that barrier. Vulnerability asked something different of me. I needed the willingness to be seen as I am, without trying to manage how others might perceive me. I needed to tell the truth of my experience, even when that truth was imperfect, uncertain, or tender.

This became an entirely new way of being for me. It was as though I was rewiring my energy flow. Instead of having my discontent automatically flow into sadness, rage, and self-protection, I was consciously choosing to let down my guard and let life in.

A Different Way of Being

I found myself standing in reality rather than in my ideas about how life should be.

Something fundamental began to shift. The tectonic plates of my life were moving. My goal was no longer to sanitize my life of pain or discomfort. Of course, I still preferred ease over suffering, but not at the expense of closing myself off from what life had to teach me.

As I listened more deeply within, I found a different kind of truth and stability. It was not based on control, but was rooted in presence. I began to move out of fear and resistance and into a quiet sense of aliveness and wholeness as I learned to participate in my life.

I discovered how to harvest the wisdom hidden within some of my most difficult experiences. And I noticed that the more I was willing to lift my view above my preferences and judgments, the less I found myself resisting reality. In place of my objections came acceptance, cooperation, and understanding.

This is the hero’s journey of my life.

It is about learning to fully inhabit being me. And meeting life as it is, while doing the best I can to care for my own well-being no matter what unfolds. I no longer need to run away from my life or try to change it. I need to live it. I need to be at home right inside myself.

And when I still catch myself slipping into “If I were queen,” I smile and breathe into whatever it is that is scaring me. I remind myself that I am not here to rule the world. I am here to meet it, and to help others do the same.

There is nothing wrong with wanting the world to be better. The question is what it costs us when we resist the one we are actually living in.

Understanding my own life’s journey has deepened what I have to offer through my mentoring and writings. I call this approach the Consciousness Ecology Method™️. It is designed to help us navigate the beautiful, sacred messiness of being human.

If something in this speaks to you, you are warmly invited to explore this work more deeply here.

/by

How Is Your Version of the Truth Working for You?

 

Opening Story

Living alone, I have often found it difficult to ask for help when I need it. After a knee replacement surgery, I called my friend June and asked if she could pick up lunch for me while she was out running errands.

I expected an immediate “Yes, of course.”

But, she hesitated, then began listing everything she had to do. She needed to take her dog to the vet, pick up a prescription, shop for a dress for an upcoming party, and meet Karen for lunch. As she spoke, I could feel my body tighten and my irritation rise.

What I heard was not a full schedule. What I heard was that I did not matter.

I had always been willing to help her and assumed she would do the same. I did not want to hear about all the things that were higher on her priority list than I was. I wanted her to respond differently. I wanted her to be the kind of friend who would not hesitate. Someone I could count on without question.

This was one of many moments that eventually led me to see how much energy I was spending resisting reality rather than dealing with it.

Over time, I began to understand that nothing could shift in situations like this until I accepted what was actually happening. I had to stop wanting what I wished were happening or believed should be happening. To do so required that I turn my attention inward and begin to see the dynamics that were unfolding within me. June was not the problem in the way I believed she was. My interpretation of the situation was. I came to realize how often my mind was filtering reality through old assumptions and unmet emotional needs.

Changing Your Relationship to Your Perceptions

The next time you find yourself reacting strongly to a situation or to someone else’s behavior, pause and take a breath. Then, instead of directing your attention outward in judgment, gently turn inward.

Ask yourself how you are interpreting the situation. Notice what belief or expectation has been activated. Become curious about why this moment feels charged. In doing so, you begin to shift from resisting what is happening to understanding your experience of it.

There are, of course, times when it is appropriate to express a preference or stand your ground. But it is helpful to remember that each of us is responding not to reality itself, but to our perception of it. And that point of view is shaped by a lifetime of experiences, beliefs, and conditioning that operate largely outside of our awareness.

A Useful Reframe

We live in a constant state of data bombardment. Research suggests that while the conscious mind processes a relatively small amount of information each second, the unconscious mind processes exponentially more. In order to function, the mind must filter.

Like the default settings on a computer, the conclusions we have drawn from past experiences quietly determine what we notice, how we interpret it, and what we believe it means. Unless we bring these filters into awareness, they continue to shape our experience automatically.

The challenge is that we do not recognize our perceptions as interpretations. We experience them as truth.

A simple reframe can begin to loosen that grip. Instead of assuming, “I think therefore it is true,” it would be more accurate to say, “I think therefore I had a thought.” That shift may seem small, but it creates space between you and your perception. And in that space, new understanding becomes possible.

Living From the Inside Out

As you begin to recognize your perceptions as interpretations rather than facts, your relationship to life starts to change. You become less reactive and more reflective. You find yourself less dependent on others behaving in a certain way in order for you to feel at ease.

Rather than trying to manage what is happening around you, you begin to work more skillfully with what is happening within you. This is where a deeper sense of steadiness and freedom emerges, not from controlling life, but from understanding your experience of it.

Closing Reflection

So, I will leave you with this question.

In your life right now, what is a situation or relationship where you feel out of balance but certain that your point of view is true? What story are you telling yourself about what it means?

And most importantly, how is that version of the truth working for you?

Is it bringing you closer to peace, clarity, and connection, or is it reinforcing tension, frustration, or distance?

An Invitation

Seeing how much your inner filters shape your experience opens the door to meaningful change. This is the foundation of the work I do with individuals and couples, learning how to recognize these patterns, understand them, and gradually shift them in a way that feels grounded and sustainable.

If you would like to explore this more deeply, I invite you to learn more about my mentoring work here. And if you are just beginning, you can start with my free guide, The Real Secret to True Happiness Lies Within. It introduces a more compassionate and empowering way of relating to your inner world.

It really helps to realize that ultimately, it is not simply what happens in your life that determines your experience, but the way you come to see it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

/by