Archive for category: Consciousness/Thriving

One theme that I have noticed with many of my counseling and coaching clients is the feeling they have of being on the outside looking in. This might be how they feel in a particular social situation such as with their family, at work or with a particular group of friends. For some, it is what they repeatedly experience. For many, this began during school days and has been with them throughout their lives.

The isolation and devastation of feeling like you are the only one who doesn’t belong or fit in can overshadow all else in one’s life. It can become a repetitive self-fulfilling process — a pervasive experience of wanting to be on the inside, but standing alone watching others have fun whom we might believe have selectively and intentionally left us out.

I remember feeling trapped in this position in high school. The “in crowd” seemed to really be having a fabulous time. I watched from the periphery wondering what was wrong with me that I didn’t authentically want to be doing what they were doing and why didn’t it matter to them whether I was part of the group or not. I wanted the fun they were having, but I knew that I would have to fake it to be a part of the group and I wasn’t good at that. I wanted them to want me. I knew that forcing or inserting myself into their activities wouldn’t accomplish that. Feelings of not fitting in, not being chosen and just not belonging anywhere dominated my experiences in high school.

As life marched on, I noticed myself experiencing the outsider phenomenon repeatedly. It was my norm in social situations until I started to take a good look at it. I noticed a few important things that became my opportunity to break free and eventually to help others to do so as well. Here are some keys to moving away from the experience of being the outsider looking in:

• Observe Your Experience, Don’t Make It Wrong

If you fall into the trap of automatically thinking “they are right and therefore I am wrong” you have made a dead end proclamation and have lost the opportunity to consider other possibilities. That’s why observation rather than judgment is so important. Observation leads to neutral conclusions that allow you to explore your options. Neutral observations might look like “I am looking at them having fun. I want to have fun. I don’t feel comfortable in this situation. Where else do I feel comfortable?”

• Look Inward, Not Outward.

When you find yourself distressed watching others seemingly having a good time, notice that you are doing that. Then choose to look inward at your experience rather than outward at what others are doing. When we look at our negative feelings as feedback rather than as cause for judgment of ourselves or others, we can work with the information in a healthier way. For example, “I want to have fun. Standing here watching them is not fun for me. What else might I do to have the experience I am looking for? What is fun for me? What would be more fun for me than standing here watching them have fun?” It stands to reason that if you put your hand over a burning flame, it hurts and the healthy response is to move your hand away and learn not to do that again. So, apply that logic here.

• Consider the Possibility That You Are Creating a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

When you never go beyond making yourself wrong each time you encounter the feeling of being disconnected from others around you, you simply pile on more bad feelings on top of old unresolved feelings. The pain gets bigger and bigger because each encounter touches into the mother load of unresolved feelings you carry around from similar experiences in the past and you feel more “wrong” and “disconnected” with each new encounter. Convinced that you are “right” in your interpretation of being “wrong” (having never considered an alternative) makes your perspective a self-fulfilling prophecy.

• Pay Attention to What Works for You and What Doesn’t

Work with your own feedback to create more of what works for you and less of what doesn’t. That’s called mastering the art of living. It will bring you much more fulfillment, joy and satisfaction than repeating the same old negative response sadly and wistfully wishing for a different outcome. Lovingly attend to your own sense of imbalance.

• Look Elsewhere.

Explore what other options are available to you. Stop wanting to be part of something that doesn’t make you happy. If the shoe doesn’t fit, try on a different shoe. Go for what fits, not for what you wish would fit, but doesn’t. Go for the feeling and experience you are looking for, don’t demand the conditions under which those feelings will manifest. Be committed to finding your own form of happiness where you fit in and feel good about yourself and don’t settle for anything less.

Here’s to being inside our own experience and to honoring our own truth, trusting that we belong in this world just the way we are.

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Each one of us is the star, producer, director and audience of our very own feature film in the theater of our mind. It’s like living in our own parallel universe. There is the “real world” — within which we all exist and interact with one another — and then, within each of us, there occurs a creative interpretation of reality that may or may not bear any resemblance to objective reality or to the creative interpretation of others. Our ongoing emotional and ideological responses reflect who we think we are and what we think is going on. That creates our inner movie — a refracted reflection of reality that serves as the foundation upon which we base our actions and reactions in our shared world. The implications of this are enormous.

When we become too insulated in our own little world, we lose contact with other people and lose sight of the importance of their wants and needs, hopes and dreams and and their ability to contribute to our shared world. We also tend not to notice how our way of being is impacting them. One of life’s greatest challenges is striking a balance between living in our very own unique world and cohabitating in a shared world — bearing responsibility for our contribution. So, I have two questions for you:

1. What goes on in the theater of your mind?
2. What are you contributing to our shared world?

We have a tendency to think in polarities: “I am right and you are wrong if you disagree with me.” Many of us go about our lives assuming that our inner movie is pretty darn close to objective reality, that anyone whose inner movie tells them otherwise is way off the mark. It takes some skill, wisdom, sensitivity, compassion and humility to recognize that we are each a product of our unique blend of nature and nurture — not inherently better or worse than others, but different. Even identical twins have their dissimilarities. Each of us lives what we believe and what we learn. As in Rumi’s allegory about the blind men and the elephant, no two people have the exact same point of view. As a result, we see what we see. It can be difficult to convince us otherwise.

The fact is, we can’t get anywhere near the whole picture until we get out of our own little monologue and truly listen to, and take into consideration, the point of view of others. It is very easy to jump to conclusions about the thoughts, beliefs, motivation and actions of others — based solely on our own interpretation. It can be very educational and yield far better results to consider what movies others are watching and why.

How often have you gotten into a misunderstanding in your business or personal life where one person misread the other’s motives, intentions or integrity? It happens all the time. I remember a time when I was working in Corporate America and there was a major change of management in my division. I happened to run into our new leader at the elevator one day, and he asked me, “Are they keeping you busy over there?” I naively responded with honesty: “Unfortunately no, and that concerns me.” The next day I arrived at work to find that my boss was in our division head’s office fighting to save my job. The big boss wanted me fired for insubordination. He settled for an apology which I gave, knowing that I didn’t owe him one but needing to keep my job. How different that experience might have been, had he taken my words as sincere and wanted to know more about why I felt as I did. After all, I was telling him that — as one of his resources — I was being underutilized.

It’s good to get out and about from your own inner theater. If you don’t, your myopic focus is likely to make you a very selfish and self-centered person, who contributes little positive nature to the rest of the world. Get out! Be challenged, and enrich your point of view through intentional and meaningful exposure to the worlds that others live in. Try caring about the well-being of others, even if you don’t know them. It is essential to consider that the inner movies of others are worth taking into account when trying to get along and play nice.

Consider the collective impact of our selfishness. Just as my new division head missed the opportunity to make me a more productive member of his team, we do the very same thing when we dismiss the needs and concerns of others. Just imagine what we could create, promote and allow in our collective world if we understood the power of loving, caring and sharing as ways to unite and empower us all. When we silence and suppress one another, as in political debates, we miss the point. When we contribute our knowledge and skills to creating a collective, where all individuals are fully supported in being productive members of society, we build a rich and rewarding shared world.

I think we go way off track when we interact primarily from our mind and ego and place our concern on getting other people to agree with us. When we encounter differences in opinion from this point of view, we attempt to dominate and silence one another. When we allow ourselves to also connect through our hearts and souls, we seek to understand, to care and to find a solution and a way to participate that serves the highest good of all concerned. Whether disagreeing with our partner, or those who vote differently than us, we need to learn how to appreciate, support, embrace and be kind to those who walk to the beat of a different drum.

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“If I am not for myself, then who will be for me?
And if I am only for myself, then what am I?
And if not now, when?” — Rabbi Hillel

“The problem which divides people today is not a political problem;
it is a social one.
It is a matter of knowing which will get the upper hand,
the spirit of selfishness or the spirit of sacrifice;
whether society will go for ever-increasing enjoyment and profit,
or for everyone devoting themselves to the common good.” — Frederic Ozanam

We are social beings confronted with the fact that while many of us do as we please without concern for others, we cannot do so without affecting them. No matter how we isolate ourselves or ignore the plight of others, we still live in a web of relationships where our actions have consequences.

When resources are perceived to be limited, greed is an ethical issue whereby claiming
more for one’s self is done at the expense of others. Whether apportioning pieces of mother’s apple pie or the world’s crude oil reserves, the division of finite resources has consequential impact on all. How resources are distributed within a society is a function of its sense of separation or wholeness and its inclination toward internal competition or cooperation. This sets the moral tone of a society. When individuals disengage from concern for one another by becoming increasingly competitive, manipulative, and self-serving, morality is eroded.

Currently, we are socially programmed to believe that “more is better.” This perpetuates the illusion that one who has more is more valuable and successful than one who has less. We are taught that our self worth is contingent upon external standards of competition and accumulation of stuff. This consumes us in an insatiable quest for status driven by escalating desires. What one “needs” is no longer simply a matter of survival, but an expression of one’s ego as it seeks to distinguish itself from others striving to acquire the label “successful.” The urge to “measure up” propels us into a repetitive cycle of greed, seeking satisfaction and fulfillment through material gain. This drama is rooted in a “consciousness of lack.” Snared in greed’s grip, we are blind to the need to build community around a higher purpose than mere self-interest and material accumulation.

According to psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg, within the normal course of human development one evolves morally past the egocentricity of childhood into broader social perspectives, acquiring increasing sensitivity to the needs of others. However, his model assumes a social environment that encourages this process of moral development. Looking at American society today, it is apparent that many powerful societal forces including individualism, materialism, competition, capitalism, and the monetary measurement of success combine to stimulate our greed which in turn inhibits our moral maturation. There is nothing inherently wrong with material success and pleasures. However, when an entire society places too much emphasis on them, it pays the price of inclining its members toward moral and spiritual bankruptcy. Consumed by perceptions of lack, individuals and society as a whole turn their focus outward to patterns of unfulfilled desires rather than inward to the process of awakening awareness of the transcendental purpose of our lives.

A spiritual perspective on greed assumes belief in something greater than the identification of ourselves as merely bodies with personalities. It necessitates belief in something transcendent with which we ultimately reconcile our thoughts and behaviors. Over 95 percent of Americans claim to believe in God or some higher power. Yet, belief can be anything from a mere intellectual leap of faith to the very foundation upon which one lives life. While a hollow “belief” does little for us, actively living life in relationship to God obliges us to come to terms with our own finite nature and to live our life as an expression of our relationship to this God or sacred purpose.

In Buddhism, there are three concepts of evil: greed which involves pulling things toward the self; anger which is pushing things away from the self; and ignorance which is the result. Similarly, the fundamental principle of Taoism is the existence of “Tao” or “the way” a natural order or oneness in the universe from which nothing can be separated. Taoism teaches that one lives successfully only by surrendering to and cooperating with this implicit order. This does not suggest passivity, but rather an active disengagement from illusions of desire. One learns that to desire anything other than that which is, or to manipulate events or relationships to achieve personally desired outcomes is to violate this natural order.

Spiritually, greed can be seen as an expression of impatience and a judgment against God as having failed or forgotten to adequately provide for us. When we misinterpret a perceived lack as evidence that God has abandoned or failed us, there is a temptation to align ourselves with something more tangible, material, and seemingly controllable. Material greed is one of the fundamental ways through which this desire for self-will expresses itself. Doubting the existence or benevolence of God, we seek to live independently of God’s will as the guiding principle of life. Feeling out of control and afraid of suffering, we fire God, attempt to usurp command and play God. This ultimate rebellion against authority is fundamentally a crisis of faith.

While the Ten Commandments primarily identify forbidden actions, greed and the other Seven Deadly Sins and their counterparts in non-Christian traditions are about wrongful desires that are “off course” — that is, out of alignment with God or goodness or the Tao of life. Becoming ensnared in patterns of wrongful desire creates separation from others and from God.

Religious and spiritual teachings are filled with guidance on practicing generosity and gratitude rather than greed. For example, in Deuteronomy 26:1, people are obligated to bring the first annual fruits of the land to the Temple in thanks and gratitude to God.

Buddha teaches about freedom from addictions and desires. The essential dilemma of human life, as Buddha presents it, is that people get caught in time craving and desiring such transient things as beauty, youth, money, power, and the illusion of independence. When we become fixated upon these, we demand and pursue their fulfillment. This kind of attachment causes suffering because, in essence, we are attempting to make time stand still in order to gain a sense of power and control over our world.

In Christian teachings, greed is one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse appearing in the second of John’s seven visions where the consciousness is cleared and lifted by overcoming false types of thinking. The establishment of right thinking occurs through a reversal from an outward to an inward pursuit of happiness.

It seems that life is ironically yet exquisitely designed to teach us lessons through polar opposites. For example, we come to know light only through the presence of darkness. And greed’s opportunity is not through its fulfillment, but rather in recognizing its presence as feedback that we are moving further away from the true source of happiness in our lives.

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No matter how strategic you are in attempting to resolve a difference of opinion with another person, as long as it is framed as a conflict and viewed by at least one of you in terms of one person being “right” and the other as “wrong” no real progress is made in the relationship. A battle will be won, but a war will rage on. The presence of right/wrong dynamics in a relationship indicates a power struggle and not the process of co-creation by two equally respected partners. Whether deciding what to have for dinner, when and how to express shared intimacy or any other decision that affects both partners, ultimately it is the decision making process rather than the decision itself that speaks volumes about the quality of consciousness being expressed in the relationship.

On a continuum of possibilities, at one extreme the decision making process will demonstrate one partner dominating and silencing the other and at the other extreme is a shared process of considering each person’s point of view, evaluating the alternatives together and finding a solution that serves the highest good of all concerned. Guess which one is more healthy? Take a look at the major relationships in your life and ask yourself how healthy your decision making style is. Are you a bully? Do you play a victim role? Do you feel heard?

When one partner dominates, something dies in the other partner. When both participate, both partners thrive. This is true whether the two parties are schoolyard children, marriage partners, business associates or countries. Dominance expresses a lack of caring and consideration for the concerns and welfare of the other, a silencing of one by the other and the inability to create something greater through the true blending of two into one accord. Dominance breads hostility, a lack of mutual respect and an inevitable retaliation in one form or another by the underdog. Consider the waiter who secretly spits in your soup because you were condescending and rude or the marriage partner who withholds sex feigning frequent headaches.

The fact that you are able to dominate and silence another person by throwing your weight around literally and/or figuratively doesn’t make your point of view the “best” approach. It simply shows your lack of awareness and inability to participate in more fruitful, kind and caring relationships with others. It is a red flag that indicates your need for personal healing, remedial education and spiritual upliftment. Some of the most brilliant and creative minds that might otherwise contribute far more lucrative and enjoyable solutions are silenced by bullies, social and institutional norms and political hierarchies of power. I often wonder how rich and healthy we could be if we nurtured the full participation of all rather than the advancement of the few.

Many people who carry unresolved and accumulated anger from their past let off steam by bullying others. Some, flashing the badge of their social position, title or wealth, pursue their own agenda at the expense of others, telling themselves it is their right — they are entitled and others are not. Consider the “mean” boss, the bully in the schoolyard, the spouse batterer and the one who abuses children. Think about how the “most powerful” countries in the world take advantage of the smaller and less developed nations. Consider the discord between Tibet and China. “Might” most certainly does not make “right” nor does it demonstrate the best of which we are capable.

The social consequences of allowing bullying, dominance and right/wrong decision making to prevail in our society and world are enormous. How much personal growth, loving, caring and sharing is sacrificed when an individual dominates his or her marriage partner or family members? How much creativity, productivity and camaraderie is lost to systems and leadership styles that stifle rather than encourage the contribution of employees? What countries do you know of that truly strive to maximize the health, happiness and productivity of their citizenry? The irony is this is more true of “primitive” societies than of “advanced” societies.

In order for an individual and/or a society to move out of right/wrong thinking and bullying others to advance one’s own agenda, they have to be willing to experiment with new behaviors. In order for them to be motivated to do so, they have to be capable of comprehending the price they pay for their myopic focus. That’s the real challenge. The worst offenders don’t even know what they are missing and are satisfied with the spoils of the greedy wars they wage, unaware of the magnitude of abundance that could be created, promoted and allowed by feeding rather than starving others.

Meanwhile, many believe that we are now in the dawning of the Aquarian Age when we will be freed from this kind of bondage of our minds and spirits that has prevailed for thousands of years. Look around and you will see many who are consciously working to break through the prevailing cultural pattern of creating personal hierarchies of power in human relationships. It is a slow process of choosing more kindness, more caring, more encouragement of hope and participation. It is fueled by a vision of celebrating our oneness while honoring our differences. It is expressed by finding ways to tap the vast resources of participation, creativity and productivity of all members of relationships, families, organizations and countries — not just the few that currently hold the power at the expense of the others. One by one the momentum is growing as individuals look for enlightened lovers and leaders and join causes that seek greater health and well-being. People are learning to speak up rather than giving up. Some are creating relationships and organizations that are alive and evolving where all participants are free, safe and encouraged to fully participate without concern for whether or not their points of view match those of others. Pay attention to your affiliations and the quality of your relationships. Are you perpetuating the old or helping to bring in the new?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.