Archive for category: Consciousness/Thriving

“He gives little who gives with a frown;
he gives much who gives little with a smile.”
–The Talmud

Coming out of the holiday season, I’ve heard many stories from friends and clients about giving and receiving gifts. One significant lesson I learned is the importance of taking personal responsibility for your own happiness — or lack thereof — in the gift giving arena. When we place our material and/or emotional happiness in the hands of others who may or may not be willing or able to deliver, we put ourselves in a very precarious position.

Some married women (who are not gold-diggers) share a common concern despite their best efforts to explain their point of view to their partners. Their stories boil down to the fact that they really want to receive thoughtful gifts from their partners who profess to either not want to be bothered or dismiss gift-giving as commercialism. Some of these partners, in an effort to do the bare minimum, will run out to the store at the last minute and grab something with little attention to her particular likes and dislikes — i.e. they go through the motions, but their hearts are not in it. Yet, these same men enjoy receiving and using the thoughtful gifts they receive. In the meantime, these women come up with some very interesting and sometimes not-so-nice ways of handling their disappointment.

One friend told me that on her first Christmas with her husband, they lavished each other with gifts. Then, her birthday came two months later, and she looked forward to what he would do to acknowledge her day. Nothing. No “Happy birthday, honey.” No card. No flowers. No presents. She was deeply hurt and red-hot angry. The next day, she went to a jeweler, picked out a necklace, called her husband from the store and announced that she had just found his birthday present to her and handed the phone to the store clerk to get his credit card information. Most women will make their partners pay one way or another, reasoning, “Why should I give you what you want when you obviously don’t care what I want?”

I’ve spoken to a few men about this. I am struck by what seems to be a common posture of not wanting to be forced to do something they don’t want to do. Some of them, more specifically, are reluctant to let a woman tell them what to do.

Not all women feel the same about giving and receiving gifts. However, if you are a man in a relationship with a woman who would be disappointed and hurt if you didn’t give her a thoughtful gift, you might want to reframe your perspective on the situation. This is more about listening to what the woman you love is telling you about what’s important to her and how she would like you to demonstrate your love than it is about her telling you what to do. If you give a woman red roses and later find out that she prefers white lilies, next time give her white lilies — not because she is telling you what to do, but because she is telling you how to put a smile on her face. You might say, “She knows I love her.” That is not the point. She needs to know that you are willing to make a fuss over her — to demonstrate your love for her in a way that is meaningful to her. Whether you are giving her a diamond necklace or a teddy bear, it really is the thought that counts. So, guys, Valentine’s Day is coming — see if you can find a way to come at it from your loving and caring for your woman rather than from resentment or obligation.

Now, let’s talk about female friends who are on unequal footing in the gift-giving department. First of all, don’t be too quick to judge a friend who misses the mark. I have a dear friend who prides herself on how thoughtful she is in selecting the gifts she gives, yet I have rarely received anything from her that I have kept and usually have a difficult time finding sincere words to thank her. I have tried a number of times to steer her in the right direction or to suggest we make donations in each other’s name instead of gifts, but insists. She is making an effort, just missing the mark. Not wanting to offend her, I thank her, and then off to Goodwill the gifts go. While it is really great to get something you like, it is the thought that counts.

Then there are the friends who re-gift things they do not want or give generic, cheap gifts — like a candle from the drug store. The whole point of giving is to express your fondness for another person — to let them know you love them and consider yourself blessed to have them in your life. Don’t insult your friends with meaningless presents. Take the time to show you care, and give them something that will be meaningful to them. If you aren’t good at gift giving, find someone who is, and ask them to teach you.

“The manner of giving is worth more than the gift.” –Pierre Corneille

***If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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With the romantic hype of Valentine’s Day, it is easy to get caught up in judgment about our own “love life” as we call it. Do I have someone to send me flowers and cards of adoration? Will someone be taking me out for a romantic evening? If not, we often see ourselves falling short — judging ourselves as undesirable, not good enough or a failure for not having a partner. “Poor me” we say.

While romantic love can be intoxicating and ever so delicious, there is a deeper kind of love that bars no participants. It is the generosity of heart that smiles at a stranger as a way of saying “I see you.” It is the kind of love that doesn’t keep score in a relationship, but rather allows us to embrace ourselves and our partner through the trials and triumphs of life. It is the kind of love that might say, “I love you and I am not liking your behavior.” It is the kind of love that is given first to ourselves through loving care of our body, mind and soul, with the overflow generously and unconditionally given to others. It is the kind of love that celebrates our oneness and honors our differences as we share our common humanity while each marching to the beat of our own particular drum — or flute or saxophone.

So, this Valentine’s Day, choose to participate as a dispenser of loving kindness regardless of your romantic love life. Do a few random acts of kindness just to spread some loving around. Do something nurturing for yourself. If you want more love, give more love — be loving not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day. Look through the eyes of love and you activate the energy of love within yourself. There is more loving available than you could ever “feel” or think you need. Reach into the depths of yourself and lavishly love yourself and others. It’s fun. It’s free. It’s infectious. It’s available for the choosing.

Here are some of my favorite quotations that celebrate this deeper kind of love:

If you can’t love somebody,

it’s best to say, ‘I don’t know who they are.’

That’s a clear, precise, and honest statement,

because if you don’t love someone,

you really don’t know who they are.

The person you criticize, the one you put down,

is not known to you.

Anyone who is truly known to you is loved.

–John-Roger with Paul Kaye

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

–H. L. Mencken

Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.

–Jean Anouilh

Go deeper than love, for the soul has greater depths,

love is like the grass, but the heart is deep wild rock

molten, yet dense and permanent.

Go down to your deep old heart, and lose sight of yourself.

And lose sight of me, the me whom you turbulently loved.

Let us lose sight of ourselves, and break the mirrors.

For the fierce curve of our lives is moving again to the depths

out of sight, in the deep living heart.

–D.H. Lawrence

. . . like the earth, that brings forth flowers

in summer, and love, but underneath is rock.

Older than flowers, older than ferns, older than foraminiferae,

older than plasm altogether is the soul underneath.

And when, throughout all the wild chaos of love

slowly a gem forms, in the ancient, once-more-molten rocks

of two human hearts, two ancient rocks, . . .

that is the crystal of peace, the slow hard jewel of trust,

the sapphire of fidelity.

The gem of mutual peace emerging from the wild chaos of love.

–D.H. Lawrence

Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience.

–M. Scott Peck

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

–Mother Teresa

Be universal in your love.

You will see the universe to be the picture of your own being.

–Sri Chinmoy

Love is the affinity which links and draws together the elements of the world…

Love, in fact, is the agent of universal synthesis.

–Pierre Teilhard De Chardin

The minute I heard my first love story

I started looking for you, not knowing

how blind that was.

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.

They’re in each other all along.

–Rumi

It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand in the center of the Fire with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,

and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

–Oriah Mountain Dreamer

A relationship is about movement, growth;

it is a holy interpersonal environment for the evolution of two souls.

The changes it goes through as an entity in itself

are the measure of the changes being undertaken by the individuals in it.

What we ask of our relationships is the measure of what they ask of us,

and of what, in time, we will each become.

–Daphne Rose Kingma

My love for you has no strings attached.

I love you for free.

–Tom Robbins

For one human being to love another human being:

that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us,

the ultimate task, the final test and proof,

the work for which all other work is merely preparation.

–Rainer Maria Rilke

May all beings be happy and at their ease.

May they be joyous and live in safety.

All beings, whether weak or strong B omitting none B

in high, middle, or low realms of existence,

small or great, visible or invisible,

here or far away,

born or to be born:

may all beings be happy and at their ease.

–Buddha

Happy Valentine’s Day, and happy More Loving-Kindness Consciousness Everyday to us all!

***If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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Whenever we view something as permanent, reliable and unchangeable, we eventually find that time or the alteration of the parameters of our perspective reveal an underlying impermanence. For example, many people say that the only things one can count on are death and taxes. However, those who believe in reincarnation refute the finality of death and many escape from the inevitability of taxes through loopholes. Even gravity, which we take as a given on planet Earth, is not universal in outer space. The very cells of our bodies regenerate on a regular basis.

In the physical world, we think of rocks and mountains as immutable. Yet, vast changes happen over time. A beach you went to as a child may have since disappeared, and over millions of years the erosion by the Colorado River created the Grand Canyon.

It is unfortunate that whatever we are inclined to see as constant in the natural world eventually inspires us to exploit it. Conceivably, concern for the precarious nature of our lives motivates us to conquer our environment so that we may experience the thrill of control and triumph. What is it that makes the pervasive impermanence in our lives so frightening? Maybe it is because it is so non-negotiable and therefore seems to undermine our self-importance.

Emotionally, many of us yearn for permanence by seeking to alter the terms and conditions of our lives. We dream of utopias where only good and happy things come our way. We want financial security and happy families, good health, and access to the fountain of youth. When we find a deep and abiding friendship or love, we want it to retain its intensity and deliciousness. Often, we resort to manipulating our loved ones and ourselves to perpetuate the exhilaration. Yet the tighter our grip, the faster its fleet.

What becomes permanent is often only that which has solidified in our minds — our prejudices, habits, beliefs and inclinations. But, like rock, these too can be altered if we use wisdom. However, as long as our myopic vision persists, we tend to live in a fixed, uncompromising relationship with the world around us. Those who disagree with us are likely to be perceived as wrong, their viewpoints discredited as inferior and therefore not meriting consideration. Such a dynamic all too often rules our politics and our most intimate relationships. When we live this way it is as though we dance a rigid box step rather than fluidly and expansively expressing our being.

Thomas Jefferson thought that truth and beauty were immutable. Ironically, this cannot be objectively proven since the non-material is experienced subjectively through our inner awareness and experience. One’s beliefs and point of view may seem validated by similar observations or experiences of others, but such proof is a personal, not a collective matter. So, perhaps it is not truth and beauty themselves that are permanent, but rather our quest for them and our desire to transfix them.

There is, of course, another way of relating to the impermanence of our lives. Although we live in an outer world that is defined by time and space, the air we breathe and the sights we see, we also live in an inner world of reactions to our reality in the form of the mental constructs and emotional patterns we create. For example, when I get a hair permanent, it only lasts three or four months despite its name. Yet, I resent this and feel that it should last longer. Ah, there’s that red flag word “should” — a sure sign that those who use it do not accept the present circumstances of their lives. When we use “should” we disapprove, resist, and resent that we must live as mere mortals and tolerate what we do not like. Ironically, we become attached to those things we resist.

However, when we harness our discomforts differently, we may use them as steppingstones to attain a more mature state of consciousness. Recognizing that within our interior world we have a far greater opportunity to change the quality of our lives. By merely altering our external circumstances, we learn to focus on our reactions rather than on what we are reacting to. Instead of ranting, raving and resisting that which is unpleasant or outside our control, we can surrender into and embrace the experience. This has two primary benefits. First, it allows us to disconnect our sense of well-being from our ability to manipulate and control the outside world. Second, it teaches us how to create a sense of inner well-being by tuning into the fact that each characteristic of the world we live in also teaches us how to live in relationship with it. For example, the duality of permanence and impermanence offers us a lesson in patience, surrender, cooperation and acceptance.

Consider, for example, that our society teaches that marriage should last forever. Yet, over half end in divorce and so the parameters of “forever” have changed. At the turn of the 20th century, due to a shorter life expectancy, “forever” might have lasted only 20 to 30 years. Today, “forever” for a first marriage entered in the 20s, might mean as long as 60 or 70 years. Given our changing gender roles and our tendency to resist different points of view, the expectation of permanence of relationships might not be a realistic goal for most couples, despite their religious beliefs. Some find it wiser to accept the precarious nature of relationships and seek longevity not through rigid roles and rules, but by learning to shoot the rapids of life together. By balancing their strengths and weaknesses, cultivating curiosity, accepting each other’s differences, and learning to compromise and cooperate, they are able to build inner flexibility and strength as individuals and the bond of their love grows stronger as it matures. In so doing, whether their marriage lasts a short time or a lifetime, the quality of their experience is greatly enriched and valued more dearly than the duration of the relationship.

Since impermanence is the only permanent feature of our lives on planet Earth, we ought to work with it rather than against it. Embracing change might be the greatest stress reducer we’ll ever find.

***If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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How much time do you spend dwelling on the past or worrying about the future? These mental and emotional creations are all figments of your imagination — mockups of how reality might be different. Meanwhile, reality is staring you right in the face, and your attention is not present to deal with it. When you spend too much of your time and attention creating more shoulda-woulda-couldas, your disappointments and anticipations just keep piling up while your life passes you by. Let’s take a look at why we do this and how we can get far more satisfaction out of life by staying present in the here and now.

Plain and simple: if your consciousness isn’t in the present moment, then you lose the opportunity to participate in the experiences and choices that are present right. Since you can only take action in the present moment, when you focus on the past or future, you are not available to participate in the present. Then your life happens based on whatever autopilot settings you have in place because you are not there to direct your actions and experiences.

When we focus on the past or the future, it is usually because we are not at peace with them. Instead, we are looking at them through a veil of frustration, worry, judgment, fear and illusions. Unable to accept the past or lacking confidence in our own ability to handle the future, we end up mistaking our negative mental and emotional creations for reality. Burdened by our own negativity, we often wreak havoc in our relationships. For example, when we can’t handle what is going on in our life, some of us project our accumulated fears and anxiety onto someone else, and that’s what we see when we look at that person. I had someone do this to me to the point that the “me” she called by my name was a complete figment of her imagination and there was no sense trying to set her straight, because she refused to be confused by facts. The “me” she envisioned bore no resemblance to the person I know myself to be. It caused so many problems that I had to eventually stop all contact with her. Did you ever have someone do that to you? Did you ever do this to someone else? In a way, we all do this to some extent as we interpret each other through our own perceptual filters. In the extreme, it becomes farther and farther removed from reality and is unhealthy and dangerous.

If you are spending your precious time and energy worrying about the past and/or the future, it is probably creating problems in your relationships with others as well as your relationship with yourself. Here are some ideas to get free so you can fully participate in the present without your pleasant personality taking a hiatus.

Worrying About the Past:

Without a doubt, the past is gone. Unfortunately, when we carry it with us every day, our hurt feelings, judgments and anger keep recycling within us. We try to put a stop to it through pronouncements about the future, declaring, “I will never let _____ happen again!” These efforts at controlling our life are largely wishful thinking. So, unless you feel totally at peace with yourself, make it a daily or weekly routine to ask yourself these questions:

• What unresolved pieces of my past am I carrying with me today?
• Why am I still carrying that?
• What do I need to do to let it go?

Make it a priority in your life to lighten the load you carry by letting go of what has happened in the past.

Worrying About the Future:

The more time we spend worrying about what might happen in the future, the less time, focus and energy we have to contribute to creating what we want now. Worrying is a way of investing in not getting what we want. It produces the opposite of what we wish would happen. When we hold images and thoughts in our mind of things going “wrong” (i.e., not the way we imagine would be the best outcome), we are literally feeding our energy into the undesirable outcome. When you find yourself worrying about something, here are two constructive actions to take:

1. Bring to mind the image of what you would like to have happen. See it in great detail. See yourself in the picture feeling the way you would like to be feeling. If you are someone who prays, then simply pray that this or something better come forward for you and for the highest good of all concerned. Alternatively, simply let the image go once you have fully embraced what you want to create, promote and allow to come forward in your life.
2. Having created a mock-up of what you would like to bring forward in your life, ask yourself, “What can I do right now to contribute to bringing this forward?’ and do that. Connect the dots of your present and future by walking the talk of what you want to bring forward in your life.

The only opportunity we have to take action in our lives is in the present moment. The more we free ourselves from our thoughts and feelings about the past and future, the more of our time and focus we will have available to invest in what we want to create, promote and allow into our lives and the healthier we will be in our relationships with others. Mental and emotional freedom yield great happiness.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

One of the most fascinating things about life is that each person lives and experiences life through a unique set of filters which create a one-of-a-kind “reality.” One’s personal world view may or may not bear much resemblance to what is actually going on. For example, a person who is colorblind “sees” different colors than the majority would identify. One who is prejudiced against a particular group of people ascribes attributes to an individual of that group that may or may not be true reflections of that person. We rely heavily (perhaps too heavily) on what we “see” while seldom checking whether our perceptions are accurate. Perhaps this is why one of the first rules of effective communication is to get verification from the other person that what you heard is what they said. Sometimes we read so much between the lines that we can’t really hear what is being said.

In addition to our personal perceptual twists and turns, there are multiple layers of external influences that color our view of reality. Parents typically teach their children to view the world as they do — spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, politically, financially, etc. What is familiar seems right or normal — sometimes even when being manipulated or abused by others. One’s gender, social status, place in history, religion, culture, ethnicity, social norms etc. all color our sense of reality and tend to present us with a “we are right and others who don’t agree with us are wrong” point of view.

Human consciousness can be either a myopic and stagnant point of view or a living and potentially evolving state of awareness and wisdom. What we see and experience in this world is an accurate reflection of our state of consciousness.

As a philosophy major in college, I was first introduced to the thought that there are multiple levels of human consciousness and the possibility of ascending to a higher perspective — like climbing a mountain and seeing new vistas unavailable at lower altitudes. This mind altering awareness came to me when studying Plato’s allegory of the cave found in The Republic, which explores the nature of justice. Plato describes prisoners, representative of the mass of humanity, sitting in chains that limited their focus to the wall in front of them. Between the prisoners and a fire that burned behind them, puppeteers walked with puppets and objects that cast shadows on the wall in front of the prisoners. Seeing and hearing shadows and echoes cast by objects that they do not see was their only reality. They knew nothing of the real causes of the shadows and echoes that formed their reality. One of them was released and was then able to see the puppets and the fire and to recognize the world of the prisoners as merely shadows — reflections of a larger reality. As he further ascended out of the cave, he was blinded by the sun until acclimated to the light. When he returned to share his discovery with the remaining prisoners, he was blinded by the darkness and was therefore perceived as inferior by the others due to his lesser eyesight in their world and his strange tales that did not match their reality.

How often do we shun and vilify someone with an enlightened point of view that challenges our sense of reality? How often do we shoot the messenger in an attempt to silence the very thoughts that could set us free?

Being introduced to Plato’s allegory of the cave was the first time I had ever questioned my own sense of reality. During our discussions, my brain sometimes hurt from being stretched so much as we speculated about reality and reflection. Was I, like the prisoners in Plato’s cave, accepting without question or discernment what I perceived in life and what I was taught by my parents and teachers? Did I have myopic vision, as Plato’s prisoners did, that blinded me from entertaining other points of view? Did I even know how to think for myself? I wondered if we were all just brainwashed by what was familiar to us and whether or not our reality was simply being manipulated by others for their advantage, rather than for our mutual highest good. How were we to know what to challenge and what to accept as true? I had lots of questions and each question seemed to birth others in its wake. I had never really thought about any of this before.

Do you ever question your sense of reality? Or, do you assume that “your reality” is reality? As Plato suggests, the world we perceive through our senses is an inferior mock-up of what is really going on. He further proposes that reality can only be comprehended through the mind and that true teachers do not transfer knowledge to their students, but rather serve as wayshowers pointing students in the direction of apprehending for themselves what is real and important. Plato believed that those who are enlightened in a society bear a moral responsibility to serve the rest of society by showing them the way to ascend to a higher perspective. Who are your teachers? Where are they leading you? Are they empowering you or blinding you?

Plato’s commentary on the human condition cautions us that reality is not always what it seems to be on the surface. He urges us to keep our minds open to possibilities beyond what our senses can experience. Is your thinking boxed in or are you curious and learning all the time? Do you pay most of your attention to the minutia of daily life and the current political and social scene, or do you contemplate the really big questions of life like:

• What does it mean to live life successfully and how well am I living my life?
• What kind of relationships am I creating, promoting and allowing in my life?
• What is the purpose of human life?
• What is the purpose of my life?
• Where does our breath come from?
• Does God exist? And, if so, how does that inform my life and how I live it?
• Is there a whole lot more going on here than meets my eyes?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.