Archive for category: Consciousness/Thriving

“If I am not for myself, then who will be for me?
And if I am only for myself, then what am I?
And if not now, when?”
–Hillel

Learn to embrace the fullness of life. This calls us to bear personal responsibility and accountability for our own life. I was recently listening to “Radical Self-Acceptance” by Tara Brach. She began to talk about the simple act of saying “yes” to your own life. My immediate reaction was, “Like, duhhh! Who doesn’t know that?” Then I began to check in with myself to see when I was actually saying “yes” or “no” to my life. I was astounded by all the subtle and obvious ways that I was spewing negativity against myself.

I wouldn’t tolerate others attacking me like that, yet there I was rejecting myself again and again.

This experience reminded me of a workshop I attended many years ago. Participants were each given a blank piece of paper representing their daily allotment of energy units. We were asked to walk around the room tearing off pieces of the paper representing how we spent our energy. For many of us, the paper was long gone before we got anywhere near the end of our list. Many of us were shocked by how much of our life force was expended in resistance and negativity towards what was present in our lives. I highly recommend that you try this process. It was a profound exercise for me and has stayed with me all these years.

Self-sabotage comes in many forms. We  judge and reject ourselves. We compare ourselves to others and create fantasy fears and illusions. In what ways do you sabotage yourself? What strategies do you use to reclaim and redirect yourself in more uplifting ways? Here are some of my personal favorite ways to say “yes” to my life:

1. Observation. The mere act of self-observation brings your consciousness present. It provides the opportunity to claim your own truth and to make different choices, if appropriate. When we don’t pay attention, our negativity can run on autopilot, and we haven’t got a prayer of doing anything about it. So, pay attention. Observe yourself.  Once you see your negativity, choose to explore it and do something about it. Einstein’s definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
2. Naming the Experience. Somehow, labeling what is going on both within you and in your life can give you a starting point for finding a higher perspective. For example, simply noticing “I am really agitated” begins a process of exploring the source of your agitation. You can look at the ways it is manifesting. It helps to be specific in your observations. For example, knowing that I you agitated rather than angry or exhausted expedites the process of finding a way out of the particular form of negativity being experienced.
3. Welcoming Whatever Is Present. This one is from Tara Brach, and I find that practicing it can be quite amusing. At first, it seemed crazy to me to say, “Oh, I gained five pounds, and I feel ashamed of myself and hopeless. I should welcome these feelings? Come on in and sit with me. Have a cup of tea. What are you here to teach me?” By embracing whatever is present, you can short-circuiting your autopilot negativity to what you don’t like or want. Instead of allowing your judgments and resistance to escalate,  practice keeping your consciousness open to the possibility that even this thing you don’t like is here for a purpose in your life. Ask yourself, “How is this for me rather than against me?”
4. Cultivating Neutrality. It is so easy to fall into the trap of embracing only what we like in life. But this leads to doing everything possible to resist what we don’t like. We all have our personal preferences. However, just as we might prefer a sunny day to a cloudy one, there will be days and experiences we love and those we can’t wait to see end. To merely encounter the variations through the lens of personal preferences is to miss the point. All our life experiences offer us important lessons. Those experiences we avoid will just keep reappearing until we learn the lessons they are here to teach us. In my experience, many of my most precious life lessons have been delivered through unpleasant experiences.
5. Accepting What Is Present. Denial doesn’t make the truth disappear. It just postpones the possibility of dealing with it. Acceptance is not about saying you like what is happening. Rather, it is choosing to face reality. It is about calling a spade a spade. I tell myself, “This is what is happening. This is the truth of the matter.” Then, I sit with that before allowing myself to respond.
6. Exercising Compassion and Forgiveness for Myself and Others. I pay attention to when I catch myself standing in judgment of myself, others or the circumstances in my life. Then I do my best to focus on replacing my judgments with compassion and forgiveness. It doesn’t necessarily happen on the spot. However, by choosing to keep my heart open and present, I welcome loving kindness into the equation.

It really is what’s inside that counts. It isn’t so much what happens to you that determines the quality of your life. Rather, it is how well you deal with what happens.

The quality of our inner experience matters far more than how we measure up to some external measurement of success.

We all have challenges to face. So why don’t we do a better job of educating our children how to work inside themselves to meet difficult experiences? Why are we being left to our own devices to figure out how to cope with life’s trials and tribulations? Why aren’t we taught some basic life wisdom and coping skills early on to better equip us for our life’s journey?

Here are five coping skills that have served me best in facing the more challenging parts of my life.

1. Always look for the embedded life lesson.

“What is life trying to teach me?”

Have you ever found yourself complaining about your life, claiming that something always or never happens to you? These types of beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies. Our beliefs are a filter through which we encounter our lives.

Something happens that you don’t like. You process that new experience through your existing beliefs, attitudes, and memories. That in turn generates the same old autopilot thoughts and feelings that you have always had in response to experiences like this. Then, your behavioral response is a fait accompli reflecting this point of view. It has become your way of experiencing your life. That’s how it works.

But how’s that working for you?

“If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten”   – Anthony Robbins

Consider the possibility that all of your life experiences carry wisdom that is just waiting politely for you to invite it into your consciousness. So, do that.

Probe deeper into your beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Look for patterns of how you create, promote, and allow your own suffering.

Look for alternative responses. When you are open to receive life’s lessons, they don’t have to keep presenting themselves to you again and again.

2.  Trust that what happens is for your highest good.  Have you ever lost your job or had a loved one die unexpectedly? Did you think your world had come to an end? Or were you able to see beyond your fear and grief to where the blessings might be?

When I shared a home with my mother for the last nine years of her life, I put much of my life on hold. This allowed us to have quality time together and for me to more fully serve as her caregiver. My loss of income and social isolation were more than made up for by the precious moments and deepened love we shared. I learned things about myself and about life that I can’t imagine having encountered on my previous life trajectory. Catching a curve ball in life can open up new doors that you didn’t have any way of knowing existed. Sometimes, they are the access point to some of life’s most precious treasures.

     3. Focus first on embracing the undesirable truth. Look your life straight in the eye and accept that it is so. Whether receiving a terminal diagnosis, watching your marriage fall apart, or not getting accepted at your first choice college or the job accept it.

I’m not suggesting a passive kind of resignation here. Rather, choose a radical kind of intentional acceptance.

OK this is actually happening. I’m not going to deny it. I can meet this challenge in my life.

The alternative is to  fall into familiar reactions of blaming and judging others, getting down on yourself, or simply being in shock or disbelief.

I remember when I hit black ice going 60 MPH and totaled my car. I went backwards down a hill and the rear end of my car was sliced in half by the tree that finally stopped it. My first thought was, “I’m alive.” It’s good to start with the fundamental facts and go from there with as little drama as possible. Just breathe into the present moment and let your consciousness assess reality.

When we start extrapolating with high drama mental and emotional scenarios, we are rocketing off into our imagination rather than being present to deal with reality.

Be present in your reality, no matter how scary it is.

You might just be amazed at your quick thinking, resilience, and fortitude. Once you accept the undesirable truth, you can get busy doing your best to deal with it.

     4. Take care of yourself and do your best. Some of my biggest life challenges have come in the context of people who wished me ill, didn’t like me, or held different beliefs. What has gotten me into trouble in these situations is trying to change the other person’s point of view or behavior. When I really succeed in dealing with these situations it is because I focus on taking care of myself and loving myself. Trying to defend myself or my point of view in an effort to change the other person isn’t the point.

Taking care of my inner well-being is what helps most.

Let other people live their lives their way. Focus on doing your best to love, nurture, and protect your sweet self. Opinions are like noses — everyone has one.

     5. Find good help when you need it. As a mentor, I don’t view my clients as sick or broken for needing my help. I see them as the smart ones who know the value of good resources. After all, how can you be expected to know something until you learn it? Life presents learning opportunities to us all the time. Sometimes we need a plumber or doctor or marriage counselor or Hospice care. If we are smart, we seek and embrace good help.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Are you living at the cause or the effect of what is happening in your life? Are you living from the outside in or the inside out? Is your life a series of reactions to external events and the beliefs and behaviors of others? Or, do you live connected deeply within yourself and respond to others and outer events from a sense of inner attunement.

As children, most of us are taught to obey and follow the lead of our parents and teachers. If we are lucky, at some point we begin to develop a sense of our own unique identity. Over time, we begin to develop awareness of an inner truth. Increasingly, we learn to respond to the situations and events of our life from that place. We shift away from simply being tossed about in this world, reacting to what happens outside ourselves.

Here are five keys to recognizing whether you are living your life from the inside out rather than the outside in:

1) Your thoughts and actions are expressions of an inner sense of your identity and intentions. When we lose track of our inner center, our sense of well-being is primarily defined by external factors. For example, our mood may go up and down in reaction to the stock market. Or, we may be busy trying to get the approval of other people as a way to feel good about ourselves. When we are centered in ourselves, we don’t simply judge what happens as “good” or “bad.”  We develop our ability to work with whatever is present in our lives. Our response is our engagement in life from a deep reference point of who we know ourselves to be.

2) You experience a fairly steady state of well-being rather than a high-drama roller coaster ride. When you are centered in yourself, bad things still happen to you. But, you react differently. You might even view the hard challenges of your life as opportunities to grow and to develop skills. You learn to stop spinning like a hamster in a wheel. You stop calling all your friends to tell your tale of woe and to spew all your anger and judgment about what someone did to you. Instead, you may turn to your friends for support and a new perspective on the situation, letting them know where you feel stuck. While experiencing your own vulnerability, you take ownership of your experience. You take action from a place of who you know yourself to be. You respond by creating, promoting and allowing only that which brings you into greater balance and well-being. And sometimes, that may take quite a while.

3) You experience a sense of flow and harmony in your life rather than a barrage of random happenings. For example, my friend Roy’s 94th birthday was the other day. He has been bedridden for over a year now. He barely has the energy to keep his eyes open or to speak. I wanted to do something meaningful for his birthday but was at a loss for ideas. I didn’t want to bring him a card that spoke in glowing terms about the future.

Roy had helped me tend my gardens for many years. So, I brought him an iris that usually only blooms in May but was blooming in mid-October! I also brought some tapes of harp and angelic voice music by Therese Schroeder-Sheker of the Chalice of Repose Project. They had arrived just before I left for his house. This music is designed to lovingly care for the physical and spiritual needs of the dying.

It was all perfect. I held a clear intention with no idea what to do. I just trusted and waited. Before I learned to function in this way, I would have tried too hard to force things to happen, and they just wouldn’t have worked out well at all.

4) You have a basic sense of being in the driver’s seat of your own life rather than a victim of circumstances and events. It is so empowering to know yourself to be at the cause rather than at the effect of your life. You are less likely to feel that you are in competition with other people. Rather, you marshal your inner resources and focus on doing the best you can. You might find yourself humbled by results that fall short of your wishes, but knowing that you did your best. You routinely focus your skills, abilities and resources to address the situation at hand. It can be quite satisfying. I like to use one of Dr. Phil’s favorite questions: “How’s that working for you?” It helps me to take ownership of my thoughts and actions.

5) You seek to achieve inner states of consciousness rather than outer things. While you might love nice things, your true happiness is no longer a result of having them. Rather, it comes from achieving a sense of inner balance and well-being.

You do not measure your own worth or that of others according to monetary abundance or scarcity. You are focused inward, not outward and measure your success by your ability to maintain a sense of inner balance. You do  your best to respond to the flow of your life. Life becomes an expression of honesty, integrity and kindness.

Can you think of other keys to living from the inside out?