Reacting vs. Responding: A Subtle Difference That Changes Everything

Know That You Have a Choice

Most of us don’t realize how much power lies in the split-second space between what happens to us and how we act. In that space, we have a powerful choice: to react or to respond. The difference may seem small, but it can transform the quality of our lives and relationships.

Reacting: The Impulse of the Moment

A reaction is immediate and often unconscious. It springs from raw emotion without the benefit of reflection. When negative emotions are triggered, reactions are often defensive and designed to protect our sense of self in the heat of the moment. Here are two examples:

  • Someone cuts you off in traffic and you slam your horn, shout,                                      and stew in anger the rest of the drive.
  • A colleague offers feedback, and you instantly argue back, dismissing                        their point before you’ve really heard it.

Reactions often escalate conflict or create regret. They are emotional reflexes rather than conscious and thoughtful choices.

Responding: The Power of Pause

A response, on the other hand, takes a breath. It creates space for awareness, consideration, and choice. Responses are shaped by reflection, values, and the recognition that we have an alternative to our impulses.

Here are two examples:

  • Someone cuts you off in traffic. You notice the surge of irritation, take                             a deep breath and refocus on driving safely.
  • A colleague offers feedback. Instead of jumping to defend yourself, you say,        “That’s helpful. Can you give me an example so I can understand better?”

Responses don’t mean suppressing emotion. They mean bringing wisdom to emotion.

Why This Matters

Every interaction is a chance to choose the quality of our contribution to the conversation. Reactions come from habit. Responses come from awareness. One keeps us tangled in old patterns; the other helps us grow.

When you pause, you reclaim your power. You stop being a puppet of circumstance and start living as the author of your own story.

It is particularly important to respond rather than react in interpersonal relationships where hostility is being expressed.

Food for Thought

The idiom “Hold your tongue” advises us to exercise restraint when tempted to say something that might cause harm or be inappropriate:

  • when a conversation turns into an argument
  • when tempted to offer unwanted advice in a sensitive situation
  • when inclined to blurt out a comment when doing so would interrupt someone speaking

When we react we often are speaking impulsively without consideration for the impact of our words. This is fine when experiencing a pleasant surprise or some other experience that causes us to express enthusiasm. But when negative emotions are involved, there is great wisdom in hitting the pause button so we can think before we speak.

Consider these benefits of hitting the pause button in personal and professional situations. Instead of letting yourself just say whatever comes to mind, pausing gives you time to:

  • choose kindness and consideration
  • organize your thoughts
  • clarify a question being asked
  • show you care about the feelings of others
  • communicate your own needs clearly
  • build better relationships
  • avoid misunderstandings and conflicts
  • set a positive tone or example
  • reduce anxiety
  • demonstrate better problem-solving skills

Some would argue that this approach can discourage open communication or prevent constructive criticism. I think taking the time to be thoughtful of another person’s feelings actually improves the possibility of having your message heard.

Reflection Question

In your daily life, where do you notice yourself reacting? What might shift if you paused long enough to respond instead?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?  If so, please share it with them. 

 

 

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Are You Uncomfortable in Your Own Skin?

Emotional Heaviness

Emotional pain is an invisible weight that many people carry. It doesn’t always show on the outside, but it can quietly affect every area of your life. Whether it’s a persistent ache, a sharp sense of loss, or a quiet feeling that something just isn’t right.

Many of my clients seek help without a clear “reason.” They try to explain by blaming the circumstances and people in their lives.

I ask them to look inside rather than out in the world. They discover that what they really want is to free themselves of a felt sense that colors how they experience their lives. When I ask them what it is like to be them, they say things like:

“I feel overwhelmed and don’t know why.”

“I’m doing everything I’m ‘supposed to’ but still feel empty.”

“I never feel good enough. I’m always pretending.”

“I keep repeating the same painful patterns.”

“I feel out of sync with myself and my life.”

“There’s this anger inside of me and I’m afraid I’m going to explode.”

“I feel like an outsider looking in.”

“There is a heaviness inside of me. I’m always anxious, depressed, angry, or sad.”

“I feel so alone. I have a wonderful life and wonderful people in it, but I feel like I’m all alone.”

“I’m really not a very nice person. I’m constantly judging myself and everybody else.”

 

These are all excellent reasons to seek help. Do any of them sound familiar to you?

I don’t believe such discomfort is a sign of being broken and in need of being “fixed.” I believe these people are simply wounded. Most often, what they need is not a pill, but understanding and an alternative way of viewing themselves.

As a mentor, my job is to create a safe and sacred space where people can explore their inner landscape, gain clarity, heal old wounds, and begin to live with greater inner peace, freedom, and authenticity.

If you are suffering and aren’t sure why, it may help to review the 10 major causes of emotional suffering.

 The 10 Major Causes of Emotional Suffering

  1. Anxiety, Overwhelm, and Stress
  • Persistent worry, panic attacks, or feeling chronically on edge
  • Difficulty sleeping or relaxing
  • Overthinking or feeling mentally “wired but tired”

Anxiety can feel like being on constant alert, with your mind racing through worst-case scenarios. And your body tenses without clear cause. You feel overstimulated, exhausted, or unable to relax. You may be having panic attacks or chronic worry. Anxiety, overwhelm, and stress are often described as a general feeling of unease or restlessness that will not go away.

 

  1. Depression, Disconnection, and Sadness
  • Ongoing feelings of hopelessness, numbness, or despair
  • Loss of interest in things that once brought joy
  • Difficulty functioning in daily life

For some, emotional pain shows up as a deep sadness, a numbness, or a loss of interest in things that used to bring joy. You may feel like you are living under a heavy cloud. Even the smallest task may feel difficult.

 

  1. Grief and Loss
  • Mourning the death of a loved one
  • Coping with the end of a relationship, job, or major life transition
  • Complicated or unresolved grief

Loss touches everyone at some point in life, whether it is the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or the unraveling of a dream. Sometimes grief is fresh and raw. Other times, it has been buried for years and resurfaces unexpectedly. Mourning is never linear.

 

  1. Relationship Challenges
  • Marital conflict or communication breakdown
  • Family dynamics, including estrangement or codependency
  • Difficulty forming or maintaining healthy relationships

Relationships may feel painful, confusing, or unsatisfying. They may be stuck in cycles of conflict, feeling unheard, or unsure of how to connect. This includes romantic partnerships, friendships, family ties, or even work dynamics.

 

  1. Trauma and Emotional Wounds
  • Emotional fallout from abuse, accidents, violence, or neglect
  • Flashbacks, avoidance, or emotional numbness
  • A sense of being “stuck in the past”

Unhealed trauma often hides beneath the surface of our behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. It might show up as emotional reactivity, avoidance, or a constant feeling of being unsafe. Traumas and wounds may originate from childhood, a recent event, or a string of difficult experiences.

 

  1. Identity, Self-Worth, and Confidence
  • Struggles with self-acceptance or self-esteem
  • Inner critic, perfectionism, or impostor syndrome
  • Questions about gender identity, sexual orientation, or purpose

Many people struggle with how they see themselves. They may be navigating questions about who they are, what they value, or how to feel confident and whole. Low self-esteem, shame, and the inner critic can cause real pain.

 

  1. Major Life Transitions
  • Divorce, retirement, relocation, new parenthood, or aging
  • Feeling unmoored during changes or uncertain about what’s next

Life is full of transitions that can shake our sense of stability. Whether it’s starting a new job, becoming a parent, retiring, or experiencing the end of a marriage, big changes often stir up deep emotional currents.

  1. Unresolved Childhood Issues
  • Lingering emotional pain from early experiences
  • Attachment wounds or unmet emotional needs
  • Repeating harmful patterns in adulthood

Sometimes, people just know they are tired of feeling stuck, repeating the same patterns, or carrying the same emotional burdens. These patterns often trace back to early life experiences.

 

  1. Addiction and Coping Mechanisms
  • Using substances, food, sex, or work to avoid emotional discomfort
  • Seeking help to break unhealthy habits or compulsive behaviors

Sometimes we try to numb uncomfortable feelings without necessarily realizing that we are doing so. At first we may think it’s just something we like doing. But in time it may become something we can’t do without.

 

  1. Existential Questions or Spiritual Crisis
  • Questioning the meaning of life, purpose, or one’s path
  • Feeling disconnected from self or others
  • Yearning for a deeper sense of peace or fulfillment

Emotional pain is not always about symptoms. Sometimes it is about soul hunger. Life brings some of us to ask deeper questions like: Who am I? What is my purpose? Why am I here?

 

Shifting Perspective

You do not have to be falling apart to benefit from seeking to heal yourself. The path out of emotional dis-ease can be a wonderful journey of self-discovery. It’s not about fixing something that is wrong with you, but rather seeking to understand yourself better, to live more consciously, and to create healthier relationships with yourself and others.

If you are suffering emotionally, consider that as a doorway to a healthier you. If you recognize your inner experience in the description of any of the major causes of emotional suffering listed above, ask yourself, “Do I want to keep doing this or do I want to heal?” Whether on your own or with the help of a professional, the first step to healing is yours. What are you waiting for?

 

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?  If so, please share it with them. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Game of Life

What Game Are You Really Playing?

The Origins of the Metaphor of Life As a Game

Since the 1600s, great thinkers have used the metaphor of life as a game or performance. Shakespeare famously wrote, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” This suggests that real people are like actors assuming alternative identities enacting various dramatic, tragic, and comedic scenarios.

Fast forward to 1925, and metaphysical teacher Florence Scovel Shinn gave the metaphor new spiritual significance in The Game of Life and How to Play It. She suggested that life isn’t random but a purposeful simulation through which souls evolve in a cosmic classroom of sorts. Expanding on this idea, some perceive life on Earth to be a simulation through which souls learn by assuming identities that are not ultimate truths but part of a temporary human experience. In this sense  life is intended as a journey in consciousness through which souls learn, evolve, and awaken.

Life As a Game

Much like a game, the journey of a lifetime involves choices, risks, outcomes, and a degree of chance. Indeed, we each make choices that have consequences and inform the possibilities to come.  The game of life is a temporary creative process with a beginning and an end. But, unlike a game, our life, once initiated is not optional. We will live it one way or another, even if we choose to end it prematurely.

What is the Nature of Your Game

If life is a game, what kind are you playing?

Are you:

  • Fighting for survival?

  • Competing for scarce resources?

  • Trying to make your dreams come true?

  • Seeking to expand your conscious awareness?

  • Awakening spiritually?

How would you describe the game of life that you are playing?

 

Your perception determines your playing field.

The game you see is the game you play. Some games are built around fear and lack. Others are quests for love, awakening, or understanding. Some perceive the games themselves to be hierarchical as in  Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. He theorizes that we must meet our basic survival needs before we can entertain other higher pursuits. As we achieve each level of desire and expertise, we gain the ability to perceive and participate in higher games. But not all of us will. Many are content to live life within the purview of the mind and ego pursuing the temporary sating of perceived material and emotional wants and needs.

 Or perhaps these games are multidimensional, where several “games” play out at once.

Multidimensional Games

I have come to experience myself as a soul pursuing a spiritual learning agenda while living life through the identity of Judith Johnson.

It has been my experience that I participate to some degree in multiple games simultaneously and to varying degrees. But I also notice an overarching trajectory whereby I have been focusing more and more of my attention on awakening my spiritual awareness and the process of transcending into soul awareness and beyond.

This typically requires inquiry beyond what is directly observable or measurable by the mind and senses. It delves into fundamental metaphysical questions about reality, existence, knowledge, the nature of being, consciousness, space, time, and causality.

As I elevate my game, what changes is largely a function of what I perceive to be real and what I value. For example, if I were a pickpocket seeing an angel, I would see pockets and if I were a critic I would look for something to criticize. But as I come to know God, other pursuits lose their pull.

Our difference in perception explains why people at different levels of awareness often misunderstand each other.

One interesting aspect of this multi-level game is that the more restricted our perceptual capabilities are the less we can comprehend or understand someone functioning from a different level of awareness. For example, Joe experiences life through his ego and denies the existence of God because he is looking at the world and asking, “how can a god let this kind of pain and suffering exist?” Through Joe’s eyes, Sam who speaks of experiencing God’s presence and love in his life appears naive. But Joe is making a common error. He is assuming that what he sees is reality itself rather than an interpreted reality perceived from a particular point of view.

One of life’s great lessons is that thinking something doesn’t make it true.

Another is that we assume that others perceive the same thing that we do.

So, What Game Are You Playing?

What do you value in your life? What do you believe is the purpose of your life? What are you seeking to experience or achieve?

Take a moment and ask yourself:

“How would I describe the game of life I’m playing?”
“What deeper game might be calling to me?”

When we begin to ask such questions, we move from being pawns of circumstance to conscious players in a sacred journey.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?  If so, please share it with them. 

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The 5 Wisdom Teachings of the Oyster

The Metaphor of the Pearl

The oyster’s journey of pearl formation is a metaphor for overcoming adversity. Difficult situations can be the source of our greatest blessings and growth if we respond with courage and perseverance.

How and Why the Oyster Forms a Pearl

We tend to activate autopilot defense mechanisms to push away less than desirable experiences. Alternatively, consider how the oyster forms a pearl as a natural defense mechanism against irritants that get inside its shells.

When a foreign object makes its way into the oyster’s shell, it irritates the soft tissue surrounding the oyster’s internal organs. To protect itself, the oyster secretes layer upon layer of a substance called nacre (also known as mother-of-pearl). Slowly encasing the irritant, these secretions form a precious pearl of iridescent luster. 

The Oyster’s 5 Wisdom Teachings

Here’s how the wisdom of pearl formation can be applied in our lives:

Irritants as Catalysts: When we encounter challenges and adversity, we can use them as catalysts for positive change. Just as an irritant triggers the oyster’s response, we can engage in a process of personal transformation rather than trying to push away unwanted experiences. These challenges can teach us new skills of adaptation.

For example, when a relationship becomes unpleasant, seek to understand how the disturbance is being triggered inside of you rather than trying to eradicate the discord. Chances are the nature of the upset for you is probably familiar from past experiences. Use the current situation as a motivation to better understand the origins of this pattern of reactivity inside of you so you can  break free of it.

 

The Power of Response: The oyster’s response to an irritant involves surrounding it with a protective substance which in turn forms a precious pearl. Similarly, individuals have the ability to choose how to react to adversity. This can be an opportunity for growth.

For example, I recently watched my hot temper rise up in response to a situation where I felt I was being mistreated by a company I was doing business with. I caught myself in the act and took the time to figure out how to respond with simply my point of view and not my anger. That generated a better response than I even hoped for.

 

Transforming Pain: The oyster transforms the irritant into a pearl. This mirrors how individuals transform painful experiences into valuable lessons and inner strength. Overcoming challenges shapes individuals into stronger, more compassionate, and wiser people.

A client recently had a surprisingly unpleasant encounter with her grown    daughter. Rather than reacting in the moment, she chose to wait till we had a chance to unpack the situation together. We explored the fact that the daughter was being heavily influenced by her husband who had a dislike for my client. Rather than simply reacting to being hurt by her daughter, my client was able to see that she was doing the best she could in a difficult situation. As a result, she gained compassion for her daughter and a greater tolerance of the unpleasantries of life.

 

Hidden Treasures: The pearl emerges from within the irritant. The most valuable lessons and blessings in life are often within struggles. By persevering, individuals can discover these hidden treasures.

For example, I spent years in an intractable discord with my neighbors. Whenever it erupted, there was an urgency inside of me to get away from them as fast as possible. I finally noticed the depth of my pain was disproportionate to the situation itself. Looking inward, I realized this experience was triggering the feeling associated with an unresolved issue from my childhood. As a child that same feeling had been unbearable forcing me to run away from what was happening. The fear of experiencing that same feeling was being triggered with my neighbors. Once I recognized this, I was able to separate the two situations. I found myself appreciating that the current discord had brought me awareness of my old emotional fear still being active within me. By releasing that buried fear I was able to transform the nature of my relationship with my neighbors.

 

Embracing Adversity: The oyster must accept the irritant’s presence and work with it. Likewise, individuals must accept adversity as a natural part of life and navigate it with resilience. Embracing challenges provides opportunities for growth.

For example, I struggled with obesity for most of my life. I lived in shame, self-blame, and jealousy of naturally thin people. Finally, an endocrinologist discovered that I have an extremely low metabolism that is the real source of my body weight issues. Knowing that it wasn’t my fault liberated me. I was then able to find solutions that made it possible for me to maintain a healthy body weight and release my emotional baggage associated with this issue.

 

Life is full of surprises. Remember that pearls of great price are often created through friction. It is wise to build resilience by embracing all of life.

 

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?  If so, please share it with them. 

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Souls Onboard

 

Recognizing the Sacred in Every Life We Encounter

            In aviation and maritime communication, the term “souls onboard” is used during emergencies to communicate the number of living human beings onboard a vessel. It’s not just a headcount. It’s a recognition of lives, of beings, of souls. The language reminds us that those on board aren’t cargo or statistics. They are people. Whole lives. Each one sacred.

What If We Used This Lens in Our Lives

What if we moved through the world aware that everywhere we go, we are surrounded by souls onboard—fellow travelers navigating the skies of their own lives?

Every human being you pass on the street, meet in a meeting, sit beside on the bus, or scroll past online is a soul onboard this great collective journey we call life. And like you, they are trying to make sense of it. Some are stumbling. Some are shining. All are worthy.

It’s easy to forget this when we’re overwhelmed, annoyed, or afraid. It’s easy to reduce people to their behaviors, opinions, or affiliations. We mentally divide the world into “us” and “them.” We are inclined to categorize others based on whether they agree with us. We value some and avoid others. We believe some deserve kindness and others do not.

A Call to Recognition

If we are truly spiritual beings, as so many of us claim to believe, then we cannot make exceptions. The soul is the essence of every person, regardless of how they show up. And while not all behaviors are acceptable, every being is a soul onboard.

This is not a call to spiritual bypassing or naïve tolerance. It’s a call to recognition. It is a reminder that behind every face is a complex, feeling, sacred being, shaped by stories we cannot see.

What Would Shift in Our Lives If We Truly Saw This?

  • What if the person who cut you off in traffic wasn’t just a jerk but a soul in distress?
  • What if the relative who pushes all your buttons was seen as a soul still finding their way through their own distorted perceptions and wounds?
  • What if we experienced our disturbances with others as an invitation to practice reverence, not just reaction?
  • What if we went so far as to see that person who irritates us or the one we fear as Jesus or Buddha testing our ability to love and honor each other?

We don’t need a spiritual emergency to remind us of our shared humanity. We can bring that awareness into each ordinary day.

 

Here we are, all of us,

doing the best we know how.

Some of us rising. Some of us hurting.

Some of us lonely. Some behaving badly.

Each of us trying to love, to be loved.

To belong, to matter.

We may not understand each other. We may not always agree. But we are traveling together.

So let’s tread gently. Speak kindly. Extend compassion and respect not just to those we love, but to those we don’t yet understand.

Every soul counts.

Every soul is worthy.

And every soul is onboard.

 

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?  If so, please share it with them. 

 

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The Power of Questions: Why Curiosity Changes Everything

Have you ever noticed how a single question can completely shift your perspective?

So often, we are looking for answers, solutions, fixes, and explanations to alleviate our discomfort. But what if the real transformation begins not with the answers we find, but with the questions we ask?

Whether we’re trying to understand ourselves, navigate a challenging relationship, or make sense of the world, the way we frame our questions determines the path our thoughts will follow. Each question opens a door and closes others. This is the quiet power of inquiry.

The Hidden Force Behind Thought

Our minds are constantly in motion. Thoughts come and go, many driven by unconscious questions we don’t even realize we’re asking.

Questions like:

  • “What’s wrong with me?”

  • “Why is this happening to me?”

  • “Will they ever change?”

Without realizing it, we often narrow our focus through these kinds of inquiries. They carry assumptions, they trigger old patterns, and they limit what we’re able to see.

But there’s another way.

When we bring our questions into conscious awareness, we can begin to shape the direction of our attention with intention. We can shift from judgment to curiosity, from blame to understanding, and from limitation to possibility.

Asking Better Questions of Ourselves

Self-inquiry is one of the most powerful tools we have for healing, growth, and clarity. Try asking simple, gentle questions like:

  • “What am I feeling right now?”

  • “What do I need in this moment?”

  • “What is this really about for me?”

Questions like this invite us inward. They create space for reflection, self-compassion, and a deeper understanding of our emotions. They help us respond with care instead of reacting with confusion or fear.

What Happens When We Ask with Curiosity

In my work with couples, I’ve seen how dramatically the tone of a conversation can change when we shift from defensive statements to open questions.

Instead of:

“Can’t you see I need your help?”
Try:
“Can we talk about what happens for you around bedtime for the kids? I want to understand.”

Instead of:

“Are you mad at me?”
Try:
“Can you share what you’re thinking and feeling about this?”

Open-ended questions are invitations. They say: I want to know you. I care about what’s real for you. And in that space, trust can grow.

Questions That Build Connection

Here are a few questions that can gently deepen connection and emotional safety in any relationship:

  • What matters most to you in this situation?

  • How can I support you right now?

  • What are we both not seeing yet?

  • What do you need from me in this moment?

  • Is there another way we could look at this?

The goal is not to “get it right,” but to stay curious. When we lead with curiosity, we soften the ground between us and invite discovery instead of defensiveness.

The Soul of a Question

A question is more than words. It carries intention.

Is your question meant to control or to understand?

Is it rooted in fear, or in a genuine desire to connect?

Is it trying to prove a point, or open a door?

When asked with presence and care, a question becomes a mirror, a flashlight, a bridge.

It is a sacred tool. One that can gently illuminate what was hidden, and return us to what matters most.

 

Reflection Prompt:

What question has been guiding your life lately?
Is it opening you up or closing you down?

 

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?
If so, please share it with them. 
 

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Consciousness Ecology: Inner Clarity In a Noisy World

 

Our world is overflowing with the noise of media, other people’s opinions, and the demands and distractions in our lives. It’s easy to lose touch with our own inner compass. Yet, amid this external chaos lies an extraordinary opportunity: to cultivate inner clarity through a practice I call Consciousness Ecology.

What Is Consciousness Ecology?

Consciousness Ecology is the art and practice of tending to your inner environment. Just as an ecosystem depends on balance, so too does your state of mind and heart. This practice invites us to look inward and examine the beliefs, stories, habits, and emotional patterns that silently shape how we see the world and navigate our lives.

As Plotinus wisely said, “Withdraw into yourself and look.” Consciousness Ecology is this very invitation—to return inward and tend to the landscape within.

Why It Matters

Many of us carry internal “clutter” from unresolved experiences, outdated beliefs, and unconscious fears. These internal dynamics distort how we interpret situations, how we treat others, and how we treat ourselves. Over time, we may find ourselves reacting to life rather than engaging with it consciously.

We are not victims of our conditioning unless we choose to be. Consciousness Ecology offers us a pathway out of unconscious living and into empowered awareness.

5 Core Practices of Consciousness Ecology

  • Releasing Unresolved Perceptions
    Let go of emotional residue from the past that clouds your ability to be present.

  • Reframing Your Perspective
    Learn to reinterpret events through a more compassionate, expansive lens.

  • Redefining Inner Values
    Reassess what you value and fear and update the filters that shape your worldview.

  • Practicing Healthier Ways of Being
    Integrate new thought and behavior patterns that support emotional well-being.

  • Exploring Expanded States of Consciousness
    Open to the higher frequencies of awareness that are available to all of us.

The Role of Your Attitude Filter

Think of your mind as equipped with an “Attitude Filter” that functions as a gateway that processes everything you see, hear, and experience. This filter is shaped by family conditioning, cultural messages, past wounds, and personal conclusions. If it becomes too clouded, it distorts your view of reality.

By conducting regular mental and emotional audits such as  journaling, self-reflection, or using guided questions you begin to “clean the filter.” Over time, your perception becomes clearer, your reactions more grounded, and your choices more aligned.

A Gentle Audit for Greater Awareness

When you feel stuck, reactive, or off-center, pause and explore:

  • What am I believing in this moment?

  • Is that belief absolutely true?

  • What feeling or past experience might be fueling this reaction?

  • What might I choose to believe or feel instead?

Awareness, curiosity, and self-compassion are your allies in this process.

From Reaction to Reintegration

Much of our inner struggle stems from exiled parts of ourselves. We may have pushed away shame, fear, anger, or grief because we didn’t have the tools to face them. Through Consciousness Ecology, we return to these parts with kindness, and welcome them home.

As spiritual teacher Robert Waterman describes, healing comes through reintegration. We remember who we are, not in fragments, but as a whole being capable of healing, clarity, and peace.

Making Consciousness Ecology a Way of Life

Like brushing your teeth or nourishing your body, Consciousness Ecology is a form of hygiene for the mind and heart. It doesn’t eliminate life’s challenges, but it prepares you to meet them with resilience and presence.

You might begin by:

  • Starting a weekly self-reflection journal

  • Holding regular emotional “check-ins” with a partner or trusted friend

  • Noticing and shifting negative self-talk in real time

  • Asking: What energy am I bringing to this moment?

The more consistently you practice, the more you will experience clarity, peace, and personal power.

The Invitation

You don’t need to wait for a crisis to begin. You can start today. Look within. Ask the questions. Listen to your inner world. Reclaim your clarity and wholeness.

Your inner environment shapes your outer life. 

Nurture it well.               

 

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?
If so, please share it with them. 
 

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When Your Dreams Don’t Come True

How often are you disappointed? Do your disappointments tend to be about life-altering things or just not getting what you want in daily life? Just because we want something doesn’t mean it will or should show up in our life.

The problem with dissatisfaction is not what you didn’t get.  It’s what you created in terms of negative thoughts and feelings about it.

Acceptance is the key here because it allows you to move on to figuring out what to do next rather than being upset about what didn’t happen.

A 12-year-old contestant on America’s Got Talent taught me a powerful lesson about this recently. While singing her heart out, she was interrupted when Simon Cowell stopped the music. He told her the background track was awful and would she please sing her song a cappella. She looked like a deer in the headlights and after a moment simply said, “Well, that just happened!” She regained her composure and sang beautifully. 

There is a fundamental dynamic that occurs when we encounter disappointment. As depicted below, Point A is where you are and Point B is your unfulfilled dream.

When reality falls short of your desires, do you accept that? Or, does your mind create a static of negative thoughts and feelings as it tries to connect the dots. When we are attached to our desires, we get caught in the dissonance of trying to bridge the gap between where we are and where we want to be. 

Alternatively, like the girl mentioned above, we can acknowledge where we are, gather our composure and capabilities, and do our best in the moment. This way we don’t postpone and limit our potential happiness by being attached to a particular dream coming true. Maybe there is a better dream trying to come forward. 

No matter how much you want your dream, holding onto it too tightly diminishes your ability to do your best with what is so for you in the present moment. Here’s a typical example. Cynthia is in her early thirties and has always wanted to get married and have children. She is aware of her biological clock ticking away and is distressed that she hasn’t yet found a partner. She believes she has done everything “right” to make her dream come true, yet she remains alone and sees her chance to fulfill this dream slipping away. 

Holding on too tightly to her dream has prevented her from appreciating the life she has. Some part of her believes she can only be really happy if her dream comes true. The flaw in her approach is that she is preventing herself from finding happiness in her actual life.

When you hold reality up to the standard of an unfulfilled dream, it will always fall short and be a disappointment.

A perpetual state of disappointment can easily lead to depression and despair. I’ve had clients who were so devastated by their unfulfilled dreams that they numbed themselves from feeling their despair. Some got caught in substance addictions. Others distracted themselves with unrealistic To-Do Lists and saying “Yes” to whatever anyone else wanted them to do, just to avoid feeling their accumulated misery. 

It is critically important to be honest with yourself about how you feel. Doing so will bring you home to the present moment. I often suggest that clients throw themselves a pity party for 10 minutes or so and really wallow in their misery. Give voice to it and cry a river if you need to. Just do so with the intention of releasing the pent up and unexpressed disappointment. Then, get on with being where you are in your life and making delicious lemonade out whatever lemons you think life has dealt you. 

One typical illulsion some of us get caught up in is the belief that our lives should be easier than they are. We often make an assumption that getting from here to there will be uneventful and easy. Chances are it won’t be. Life is full of twists and turns. 

Assumptions and expectations often blind us from what is actually going on in our lives.

Take your life as it comes. Do your best. Let it be a great adventure. Keep your focus on the present.  Respond to the reality of your life rather than trying to force your dreams to come true. 

My spiritual teacher, John-Roger, taught me to express my hopes and dreams in a prayerful way that asks, “May this or something greater that is for my highest good come forward.” Then, let it go, and put one foot in front of the other, staying present in my life. 

***

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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Do You Feel Like You’re On The Outside Looking In?

One theme I have noticed with many of my mentoring clients is the feeling of being on the outside looking in. This might be how they feel in a particular social situation such as with their family, at work, or with a particular group of friends. For some, it is what they repeatedly experience. For many, this began during school days and has been with them throughout their lives.

The isolation and devastation of feeling like you are the only one who doesn’t belong or fit in can overshadow all else in one’s life. It can become a repetitive self-fulfilling process.

It’s a pervasive experience of wanting to be on the inside, but standing alone watching others being connected to each other. Some believe they have been selectively and intentionally left out.

I remember feeling trapped in this position in high school. The “in crowd” seemed to really be having a fabulous time. I watched from the periphery wondering what was wrong with me that I didn’t authentically want to be doing what they were doing. And, why didn’t it matter to them whether I was part of the group or not?

I wanted the fun they were having, but I knew that I would have to fake it to be a part of the group. I wasn’t good at that.

I wanted them to want me. I knew that forcing or inserting myself into their activities wouldn’t accomplish that.

Feelings of not fitting in, not being chosen, and just not belonging anywhere dominated my experiences in high school.

As life marched on, I noticed myself experiencing this outsider phenomenon repeatedly. It was my norm in social situations until I started to take a good look at it. I noticed a few important things that became my opportunity to break free. And, eventually I began to help others to do so as well. Here are some keys to moving away from the experience of being the outsider looking in:

Observe your experience, but don’t make it wrong.

It’s easy to fall into the false assumption that because they are having fun and you aren’t that “they are right and therefore you are wrong.” That’s a dead end proclamation. It robs you of the opportunity to consider other possibilities. That’s why observation rather than judgment is so important.

Our negative feelings are feedback to us of being out of balance inside. They are not cause for judgment of ourselves or others. Observation leads to neutral conclusions that allow us to explore our options.

Neutral observations might look like “I want to have fun. Standing here watching them is not fun for me. What else might I do to have the experience I am looking for? What is fun for me? What would be more fun for me than standing here watching them have fun?”

It stands to reason that if you put your hand over a burning flame, it hurts and the healthy response is to move your hand away and learn not to do that again. So, apply that logic here.

Look Inward, Not Outward.

When you find yourself distressed watching others seemingly having a good time, notice that you are doing that. You are creating that perception and reaction inside of you. Choose to look at that inner process of creation rather than outward at what others are doing.

Work with the information in a healthier way by using it to explore the resonance within you that your feelings are tapping into. Is this current experience tapping into some unresolved hurt from the past? If so, take a look at that and see if you can make peace with it. Seek understanding and healing of any past disturbances so you can be free and healthy in encountering new experiences.

Consider the Possibility That You Are Creating a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

If you keep having this same experience, consider the fact that it is a matter of faulty perception. When you repeatedly make yourself wrong each time you encounter the feeling of being disconnected from others, you simply pile on more bad feelings on top of old, unresolved feelings.

The pain gets bigger and bigger because each encounter touches into a mother load of unresolved feelings you carry around you. Convinced that you are “right” in your interpretation of being “wrong” (having never considered an alternative) makes your perspective a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Pay Attention to What Works for You and What Doesn’t

Keep paying attention to your inner experiences. Notice how you perceive and react to outer situations. Do you see patterns? Create more of what works for you. And, get to work on dismantling repetitive negative patterns of perception and behavior. That’s called mastering the art of living. It will bring you much more fulfillment, joy, and satisfaction. Lovingly attend to your own sense of imbalance.

Look Elsewhere.

Explore what other options are available to you. Stop wanting to be part of something that doesn’t make you happy. If the shoe doesn’t fit, try on a different shoe. Go for what fits, not for what you wish would fit, but doesn’t.

Go for the feeling and experience you are looking for, don’t demand the conditions under which those feelings will manifest. Be committed to finding your own form of happiness where you fit in and feel good about yourself. Don’t settle for anything less.

Live inside your own experience. Honor your own truth. Trust that you belong in this world just the way you are. Love yourself madly and deeply!

***

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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Are You Suffering Unnecessarily?

Do you often find yourself saying “It isn’t fair” or thinking you have more than your share of suffering?

Do you play the story of “what happened to you” over and over in your mind like a hamster running in his wheel?

Consider the possibility that there IS something you can do about that.The place to start is by distinguishing between unavoidable suffering which is a necessary part of life and the kind of suffering we create for ourselves.

“Necessary suffering” seems like a strange concept to most people. But, consider the fact that no one gets to escape some form of pain in response to the trials and tribulations of life.

  • You fall and skin your knee – ouch!
  • A friend lets you down or disappoints you in some significant way – sadness.
  • Someone you love and treasure dies – deep grief.

A certain amount of suffering comes with the territory of being alive. If we are lucky, we learn to use these experiences as steppingstones to greater wisdom and understanding. They also have a way of getting us to draw closer to one another. We instinctively comfort one another in ways that are deeper and less common than we find in everyday life.

The unnecessary kind of suffering, according to psycho-spiritual teacher, Robert Augustus Masters, is a direct result of the stories we tell ourselves about our painful experiences. Some people obsess about their suffering. Their tales of woe become a constant irritant, like a stone in your shoe that you don’t realize you can remove.

Portia was a client of mine. I don’t think she ever made it through a session without needing to recite the litany of trials and tribulations she had faced in her life. Suffering had become her central identity. She didn’t know herself without her suffering. She kept it alive in the present by talking about it all the time like a broken record. When I attempted to show her what she was doing and invited her into the process of releasing her attachment to suffering, she left. She interpreted that as my not being supportive enough of her.

We cause ourselves to suffer more than we need to. Our distress is intensified by focusing our attention on feeling and reliving the pain again and again.

Ironically, we minimize our suffering by facing it, entering into the pain that comes our way, and moving through it.

A great example of necessary and unnecessary pain can be seen in the contrast between two ways a woman might experience giving birth. One woman actively works with her breath to move through the pain of her labor. Another is busy resisting her pain and screaming about how much it hurts.

The path through our pain is to accept its presence rather than to resist it by trying to get away from it.

Ironically, we create unnecessary pain by the very act of resisting pain. In other words, through resistance, we focus upon our pain, draw it to ourselves, and attach ourselves to it.

Our point of view – our attitude toward suffering makes all the difference in terms of how much we suffer.

In a TED Talk, BJ Miller referred to perspective as “that kind of alchemy we humans get to play with, turning anguish into a flower.”

So, next time you start throwing a pity party for yourself, change your point of view so you can change your experience. Try one of these methods:

1. Expand your perspective to entertain the good news that is coming with the bad. In other words, appreciate the half full part of the glass you are only seeing as half empty. My friend, Barbara Sarah, founded the Oncology Support Program at HealthAlliance of the Hudson Valley in Kingston, NY. She shared with me a list that one of her students in a Constructive Living program made. It was a growing list identifying all the people who she was grateful to for helping her care for her hospitalized husband. 105 people and counting! As the list grew, so did her gratitude to these people. The list included such people as:

  • the person who supplies the “lollipop” mouth moisturizers
  • the pre-admission secretary who greets you and sets up your test schedule
  • a gardener who cares for all the plants in the public areas
  • the staff who buzz you in the surgical ICU

When we are encountering life’s challenges, it is important to acknowledge that our glass is not only half empty. It is simultaneously half full. So make a list of all the things in your life that are also true blessings while you are suffering. See if you don’t find yourself becoming so grateful that you forget a bit about your pain. This is about finding and restoring balance inside yourself.

2. Give yourself a deadline to finish your pity party. Give yourself 5-10 minutes or three hours to really get into all your complaints and suffering. Exaggerate the immensity of your pain and feel really sorry for yourself until the timer goes off. Then, choose to shift your focus onto doing something really thoughtful or supportive for yourself or someone else. Don’t allow yourself to start grabbing onto your pain again. If it hurts, breathe into it and keep going. Ask yourself, “Is there anything constructive I need to do about my pain?” If the answer is “yes” then do that, if it is “no” then make the choice to place your focus elsewhere.

3. Pray for your highest good. Prayer, in its highest form, is about trust and laying down your burdens. It is a surrendering to that which is beyond our comprehension. This kind of prayer is beyond personal preferences or judgments of what “should” or “shouldn’t” be happening. It acknowledges that there are forces present in our lives that are beyond our understanding. By praying for the highest good, we appeal to the benevolence of whatever forces are at work in our lives. We surrender our burdens to these forces. In other words, we acknowledge that what will happen is beyond our control. We accept that and go on about our business of living the best we can.

4. Decide to make fabulous lemonade out of your lemons. My spiritual teacher, John-Roger always advised using everything for our upliftment, learning, and growth. That advise has served me very well in the hardest of times. This is a matter of choice. We have the option of shifting the message we send ourselves about our suffering from “poor me, this is terrible” to “I wonder how I can work with this to lift myself up, to learn, and to grow.”

The bottom line is we have far more power over the degree of our suffering than most of us imagine. When we stop accentuating the negative, we make more room for better options to be the focus of our attention.

 

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?
If so, please share it with them. 

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