The term “karma” is often used with great casualness, with little understanding of its profundity. People dismissively say “it’s my karma,” suggesting that their destiny or fate is merely the luck or bad fortune of the draw. This use of the term suggests a lack of personal power or responsibility for being at both the cause and the effect of what occurs in one’s life. Using the phrase “it’s my karma” suggests victimhood, and karma is anything but victimhood.
In Christianity, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, the term “sin” is commonly defined as missing the mark through “deliberate disobedience to the known will of God.” This missing of the mark, also called karma, is the spiritual accountability for our actions. Thus, “karma” is not what we commonly think of as “good” or “bad” fortune, but rather the causal responsibility for those results.
This deeper understanding of karma rests upon our essential identity as souls — spiritual beings who are animated by a vital and divine force. As souls we are spiritually held accountable for what we create, promote, and allow in our lives. We are constantly in the process of accruing and/or balancing out karmic debts of responsibility for our creations. Karma is not physical, it is spiritual, and we carry karma forward through time within a given lifetime or, as some believe, from one lifetime until the next. Once accrued, the balancing action of karma plays out on the stage of our everyday lives through our bodies, thoughts, feelings, relationships, circumstances, and experiences. The name of the game of life is to pay off our karmic debts rather than accruing new ones so we can come to know ourselves and others as divine beings and enter into the consciousness of God.
Just as gravity is a law of the physical world, so is karma a law of the spiritual world. We are held responsible for our actions and, more precisely, for the intention of our actions. This responsibility exists within the context of an individual soul’s relationship with God. When one deliberately disobeys the will of God, karma is accrued. It is the intent of one’s actions that generates karma. All major religions have some version of the seven deadly sins to caution followers in avoiding yielding to desires, illusions, and choices that take us away from the will of God. The causal relationship between our current actions and future occurrences is referenced in Galations 6:7 (King James Version) “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”
Spiritually, as well as physically, the type and quality of seeds one plants will determine the quality of the crop to be harvested. As souls, what we do comes back to us according to God’s design. If we have imbalances in our consciousness (known as karmic debts), we either find ourselves presented with the same lesson again and again within one lifetime until we gain the wisdom and value of the lesson being presented, or we re-embody, carrying the karma over from one lifetime till the next. Spirit is forever patient with our process of learning.
Karma is not about retribution, vengeance, punishment or reward, but a reaping of the harvest we ourselves have planted. Through our thoughts and behaviors, we sow seeds that are later harvested.
When karma comes present in our lives, it is because we are being given the opportunity to reap our harvest. There is no such thing as a good harvest or a bad harvest. It is just our harvest. It is our opportunity to make different choices in life than those that caused our karmic accrual in the first place. Karma is at once the consequence of past actions and the opportunity for healing and balancing in the present. It is a balancing action that offers us chances through life circumstances, situations, and relationships to learn important spiritual lessons. It has been my experience that gaining understanding of how the karma has been manifesting in our lives comes only after the balancing and learning have already occurred — like a kind of 20/20 hindsight. Understanding these lessons sharpens and clarifies the lens through which our consciousness perceives, and in so doing, elevates our awareness of the presence of Spirit in our lives.
If you espouse the belief that this world is somehow a classroom and we, as souls, are here to learn, then you probably appreciate the law of karma as an exquisite design to tailor our lessons to our own personal needs. The irony is that the personality and mind of our ego self is subject to a higher authority when it comes to determining the nature of the lessons to be learned and how and when they will be taught.
If you believe in God, you probably think that the unpredictability of karmic payback is pretty smart too. While we are in total control of whether or not we create new karma for ourselves, we don’t get a say in how and when payback comes. So, a worldview with God in it is rather like being a kid trying to behave because Christmas is coming. You know your behavior has consequences and that you are accountable for your choices.
The goal here is not to have an absence of karma. We are here because we have karma to work out and lessons to learn. However, learning our lessons and seeking a healthy relationship with God seems to be a really smart strategy.
Here are a few great quotes about karma:
Men are not punished for their sins, but by them. — Elbert Hubbard
Thoughts lead on to purposes; purposes go forth in action; actions form habits; habits decide character; and character fixes our destiny. –Tryon Edwards
There are the waves and there is the wind, seen and unseen forces. Everyone has these same elements in their lives, the seen and unseen, karma and free will. — Kuan Yin
There is a destiny that makes us brothers: none goes his way alone,
All that we send into the lives of others comes back into our own. — Edwin Markham
Like gravity, karma is so basic we often don’t even notice it. — Sakyong Mipham
I would love to know your thoughts about karma and how it informs our lives.
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The True Face of Prejudice
When we encounter someone who does not resonate as “just like me” we are facing a moment of profound choice. Our response reflects the deepest instinct of our heart. Unfortunately, far too many of us respond without even thinking about it, with prejudicial thoughts about the person’s race, religion, ethnicity, body, clothing, or differences in social class, sexual orientation, age or disability, or any other variation that gives us the illusion that we are better than someone else. People find all sorts of reasons to pre-judge one another, building walls of separation rather than strengthening our human community.
A recent experience I had with prejudice motivated me to write this article to call for a greater sense of accountability for how we treat one another. I just moved into a beautiful newly-built apartment in the village of my town. It is a building that houses two apartments and is designed to fit into the architectural style of this established quiet neighborhood. While waiting for the construction to be completed before moving in, I learned that 40 neighbors had signed a petition to try and block the construction. Why? They were concerned that people who rent would bring down the neighborhood. They perceived us as people of a lower class and therefore undesirable. Part of the irony here is that a dilapidated old house that was considered an eyesore was removed from this property to build this nice, new two-apartment dwelling. I feel sorry for these people that their worldview is so very small and that their hearts have so many conditions.
No matter if our response to another person is on autopilot or deeply thought out, we are responsible for how we view one another, and consequently, how we treat each other. Sad to say, most of us could use a bit of remedial attention in this area of our consciousness.
It is one thing to have a preference, but quite another to be prejudiced against someone by rejecting him or her for being different. If we could just bring our consciousness present to the moment of our reaction, we might see that instead of stepping into a judgment of another as “less than me” or undesirable because they are different, we have the opportunity instead to step into gratitude for the abundance and grace that we perceive ourselves to have and to be gracious to the other person. Ironically, our choice says everything about us and really nothing at all about the other person. It is a matter of whether the door of our consciousness is open to variations on the theme of what it means to be human or shut because we are threatened by dissimilarity.
I think that when we look below the surface of any prejudice we find insecurity and fear. Prejudice says far more about the one who prejudges than it does about the one who is being judged. It tells us the one who judges is compelled to put someone else down to feel elevated. It tells us that the one who judges is scared of being how the other is perceived to be. It tells us that the one who judges attaches much value to his or her own relative stature and that this stature is an essential ingredient of his or her sense of self worth.
No matter what form it comes in, prejudice boils down to creating a hierarchical separation between yourself and someone else. Whether rejecting the other or preserving your own status, the net result is separation. As Judith Light says, “Bigotry or prejudice in any form is more than a problem; it is a deep-seeded evil within our society.” Not only are we responsible for the consequences of our attitudes, but our children either learn and absorb prejudices from us or become prejudiced against people like their parents, and the cycles of judgment go round and round. Wouldn’t it be smarter for us as individuals and collectively as a society to teach ourselves and our children:
Personally, I don’t think it would be much fun or very interesting to live in a world where everyone looks the same, earns the same amount of money, is culturally and ethnically the same, has the same level of intelligence, sexual orientation and body weight. Boring! I like our differences. But, I don’t like how ubiquitous prejudice is in our society. We seem to accept and tolerate it as though it were a normal way to be. Even for those of us who call ourselves “spiritual” or “a good person” it might be wise to take stock of our own behavior around prejudice. Do you experience prejudicial reactions to any individual or group of people? If so, are you willing to make the effort to change that by choosing a path of kindness that respects the dignity of all people? Einstein said “It is harder to crack a prejudice than an atom.” That may be so, but the benefit to us, to those we judge, to our society and future generations is well worth the effort. Let’s learn to be intolerant of our own intolerance.
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What Does it Mean to Be Your Authentic Self?
“To thine own self be true.” That is about the soundest advice you could get. But, what does it really mean? How do you know who you really are, let alone how to be true to yourself?
Let’s look first at the “Who am I?” question. Like peeling the layers of an artichoke, you go through many layers before you get to the delicious heart of who you are, and it seems that each layer is more and more succulent. Most of the outer labels of our identity place us in boxes or categories relative to other people. We might identify ourselves by race, gender, religion, political views, occupation, and so on. Many of those labels were given to us by birth or circumstance and all of them inform our point of view. But none of them are who we are — they are simply categories of relative identification and the preferences of our egos.
The more we live on the surface of our identity, the less we are in touch with our deeper self. We live in a world of “reality” television and the endless bombardment of media impressions that seek to influence our thoughts and behaviors. They give the impression that we are nothing more than superficial, selfish, judgmental and greedy individuals competing for center stage on the top of the heap. It’s a sad social commentary, but thankfully not much help in getting to know our true selves. The problem is that the more we look outside of ourselves to create a sense of self, the farther off track we go. How can we know who we truly are when we spend our time and attention trying to be something other than what we find ourselves to be? No amount of changing ourselves for the purpose of being perceived as cool or fashionable or getting the approval of others is going to bring us any closer to really knowing ourselves.
For most of my life I have been exploring the profound questions of human existence: Who am I? What is the purpose of human existence? And, of course, the God question. The answers I have gathered so far are my answers and do not necessarily ring true for others. One of life’s greatest ironies is that when it comes to esoteric and spiritual matters, “knowing” is a personal experience — not an absolute. What I “know” to be true, I know inside myself and can provide no proof to another who does not resonate with the same truth.
For each of us, our truest life purpose becomes seeking answers to the deep questions of life and then living in accordance with what we find to be true. Like turning on an inner light, it is as though we have to awaken something inside ourselves. Once we have done that, our inner knowing seems to have a voice that, if we listen to it, guides us in our daily choices. This is not the voice of personal opinions, judgments and preferences. It comes from a deeper place than that, and with practice and time we can learn to tell the difference between the voice of our ego and the voice of our authentic self. For me, it took a lot of time and experimentation to distinguish between these two voices. Now, the difference is very clear to me. The challenge is in choosing to listen to my true self rather than to my ego when they don’t agree.
Now, I know that I am being authentic when I am making a choice that creates a resonance of affirmation inside of me. Alternatively, I have learned to recognize the lack of resonance as well — even for simple things. For example, the other day a friend enthusiastically proposed we go shopping at the nearby outlet stores. Her invitation went clunk inside of me, so I declined and suggested something else that passed my inner test of resonance. Ultimately, we were unable to find something that worked for us both and chose not to get together at all. I’ve learned that if we had tried to force it, at least one of us would probably have been out of sorts. When I listen to my inner feedback system, I find my life is easier, more graceful and I am more peaceful inside. When I fight against it or ignore it is when I get into trouble and find myself disconnected from what I am doing or who I am with and I become irritable inside. It’s like having an internal GPS that tells me where my truth is.
Living from a place of profound authenticity involves being rooted in your deepest beliefs, values and truth and living a life that is a true reflection of them. It is about being true to yourself through your thoughts, words and actions. It means being willing to sacrifice any relationship, situation or circumstance that violates your truth. For example, if you are in a job or relationship that requires you to function in a way that is not in accord with your truth, you leave it. Does this mean you will live a charmed life? No, you will still have your share of sorrows as well as sweetness in your life. However, you will have the wisdom of knowing who you are to guide you. The more you practice listening to your inner wisdom, the less friction and discord you will find yourself creating in your life.
Will you ever be perfect at honoring your own truth? No, but you can strive for excellence. It’s largely a matter of where you place your focus. By holding the intention of being true to yourself, you focus your attention on whatever resonates with your truth. It becomes a self-editing process where you do more and more of those things that express your truth and less and less of those that do not. Through a clear intention and paying attention, you learn to hold yourself accountable. Through discipline and commitment you learn to do your best to live according to who you know yourself to be. That’s profound authenticity, and it sure beats the alternative!
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Feeling Isolated and Alone This Holiday Season?
Do you think everyone else is going to have a wonderful Thanksgiving except you? Does it feel like you are the only one who isn’t going to be having a warm and fuzzy time? You are not alone! There are so many people who feel alone and isolated over the holidays while others are all about eating, drinking and being merry. It’s a terrible feeling whether you have no invitations and will be spending the holiday alone or you will be spending yet another Thanksgiving alone in a crowd. The truth be told, whatever your circumstances, it is all a matter of perspective that determines how you will experience your situation.
I’ve spent many holidays alone and done everything from being miserable, feeling sorry for myself and making others wrong for not inviting me to preparing myself a full-on Thanksgiving feast for one. I’ve also spent many a Thanksgiving at someone else’s table feeling lonely and pathetic — being taken in because I didn’t belong anywhere and someone was kind enough to invite me. Basically, I’ve had just about every kind of Thanksgiving there is — even the wonderful kind. Each one has come and gone. The best ones, I have found, have not necessarily been merry and delicious, but rather the ones when I learned something about myself by fully experiencing and taking ownership of what was true for me without blaming or judging myself or others. I just accepted and worked with whatever my truth and circumstances were.
If you find yourself on a trajectory of anticipating an awful Thanksgiving one way or another, consider what you might do to change that. Ultimately, how you experience that day or any other is largely a reflection of your attitude which will determine the options you see or don’t see. If all you see is that you are alone and you are busy feeling sorry for yourself, then your self-fulfilling prophecy will be that you are sure to be alone and unhappy. On the other hand, given the same prospect of being alone, but being willing to make the effort to be with others (if that is what you want) then you might consider the following options:
If the prospect of being with others is not what you really want this particular year, how about asking yourself what you could do to experience the spirit of Thanksgiving on your own? For example, you might make or buy or have delivered your favorite meal, which might not be turkey. You might rent a movie or read a book that helps put you in touch with what you are grateful for in your life. You might create a sacred ritual for yourself that enable you to claim the riches of your life and take the time to really connect deeply with your gratitude. The possibilities are as grand as your imagination.
The truth be told, many of those who are gathering together are wishing they were somewhere else. If you tend to feel alone in a crowd at Thanksgiving, what could you do differently this year? Is there someone in that crowd you might sit with and have a meaningful conversation. If there are children there, might they lift your spirits? Play with them. Or, maybe you could help out in the kitchen and feel good about being of service to your host. The point is to find something to do other than feeling sorry for yourself.
If this is a tender time for you because you have recently lost a loved one, pay particular attention to your needs. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Maybe being with others who might try too hard to compensate for your loss might not be what you need this year. If you need to be alone with your grief, then let it rip. Stay in your pajamas for the day and eat cold pizza and cry if that’s what works for you. Be true to your own experience — whatever it is. But, know that you have choices and choose wisely what will serve you best.
The point is that you are a powerful creator and have but to choose to create a wonderful Thanksgiving for yourself. So, if things aren’t shaping up to your liking this Thanksgiving, do something about it. It’s not too late to choose to make the most of any situation. One way or another you are going to spend your time and energy. It’s your choice if you want to see your glass as half empty or half full. My wish is that you be very good to yourself this Thanksgiving and if you aren’t going to be with people you love and enjoy being with, then take a good look at yourself in the mirror and love yourself upside down and sideways!
If you are hosting a gathering, take a moment and think about the people in your life who might be delighted to have an invitation to join you. A simple act of kindness goes a very long way — especially during the holidays.
I encourage readers to add comments and suggestions below to help inspire others to find their way through this holiday season with compassion and kindness.
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The Greatest Gift
I have a bowl with the Ralph Waldo Emerson quote, “The greatest gift is a portion of thyself.” One day recently, I placed it on my new coffee table. The next morning, I discovered that my obviously gifted cat, Finnegan, had placed his favorite toy in the bowl. Random? You may think so. Call me crazy, but that just warmed the cockles of my heart through and through.
That got me thinking about the message in that bowl and how wonderful it would be if we actually did give of ourselves — of the depths of our hearts to delight, rejoice, cheer and warm each other over the holiday season. Presents are nice, but let’s face it — shopping can be a hassle and we so often miss the mark leaving our gift recipients to politely thank us for something they wish they never received.
Other than paying money for gifts, or in addition to it, how about going on a spending spree of loving and caring. What might that look like? What special gifts or talents do you have that you might share this holiday season without calling attention to them as a gift from you? How might you spread some cheer to warm the cockles of some other hearts this year?
Setting the intention of bringing upliftment to others is a great place to start. The power of intention is that we have the capacity to direct our thoughts, emotions and actions. So, how about intending to spread a little cheer — not just to those on your list of loved ones, but to everyone you meet. Try simply smiling at total strangers when you are out and about. You’d be surprised at how many people light up and smile back at you. Or, when you are in line to pay in the store, make an effort to connect with the sales clerk. Wish him or her a happy holiday as though you really mean it. Again, you might be surprised at how much joy you can bring to others by just making the tiniest of effort.
Consider the relatives or friends you usually see over the holidays who bore you or in some way fall short of how you wish they could be in your ideal world. Do you typically express impatience or disinterest in them? Do you avoid them at gatherings? What if you challenged yourself not to do that this year, but rather to find a way to be kind and compassionate with them.
Is there someone you might invite to your gathering who might otherwise be alone for the holiday? Or is there an elderly neighbor or friend who might welcome a helping hand? Is there a service project you might participate in to help those less fortunate than you?
There are so many ways to give of ourselves that don’t cost any money. The price is our time and authentic caring. Setting the intention to bring a little cheer straight from your heart to others is all it takes. The willingness to do creates the ability to do. Even if you have no idea what you could do, just set the intention to figure it out and you will be amazed at the opportunities that show up when you are open to seeing them. These are such hard times for so many people and a little human kindness goes a very long way. Write a heartfelt card to someone. Bake cookies for the staff where a loved one is hospitalized or living. Reach out to someone who has lost a loved one recently and is facing the holidays with a heart full of grief.
Recognize that we are all connected. Don’t limit your heartfelt caring to just those who are interesting and fun for you. Expand your circle of kindness and compassion. Be an ambassador of good cheer — just like my little Finnegan did for me!
Please share your thoughts on ways we can all be more thoughtful and caring with each other over this holiday season. What is your holiday pet peeve and what would be a good antidote? Let’s all do our part to share from the depths of our hearts to delight, rejoice, cheer and warm each other over the holiday season.
Happy holidays everyone.
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Stress and Family: Spending Holidays With ‘Loved Ones’ Who Aren’t Very Nice to You
Below the surface of many family holiday gatherings are mini dramas playing out, contemporary grudges and resentments and unresolved childhood issues. Nothing hurts with such emotional depth as these familial battles. For the tender-hearted, this can be a psychological mine field while self-righteous bullies reign unchallenged. Many silently suffer through these events while dutifully and unconsciously assuming their childhood role as the family black sheep or underdog. Those in secondary roles are often either complicit or oblivious, leaving the underdog to fend for his or herself. Here are seven strategies for doing it differently this year.
Strategy 1: See it for what it is. The bottom line of these battles is that they are mere reflections of the level of consciousness of the participants involved. Most bullies and tyrants have failed to evolve psychologically past their childhoods and are simply functioning out of a juvenile state of consciousness. Typically, they are caught in a win/lose mentality that drives them to perceive themselves as a winner at the expense of someone else. Putting you down is driven by a desperate attempt to put themselves up. In this sense, you are simply a means to an end and their attack on you is really nothing personal. You cannot evolve another person’s consciousness for them. Any attempt to address the matter head on with them will simply further ignite their battle position. On the flip side of this, is there any merit to the accusations and judgments lodged against you? If so, are you willing or able to change? If so, only do so for your own highest good and not to seek the approval of others.
Strategy 2: Stay conscious in the present and study how the dynamic works. Remember, it takes two to tango. Play detective with the situation and notice how this other person gets to you. Is it through sarcastic remarks? Giving you the silent treatment? Disdainful looks? Just how do they communicate their rejection and judgment of you? How do they hook you into their game? Pay attention to your own behavior as well. Do you comply by feeling and behaving like a victim? Do you try to defend yourself against their attacks? Does this drama dominate your entire experience? How do you buy in to this other person’s point of view?
Strategy 3: Stand tall in your own integrity and truth. Be at the cause of your own behavior rather than at the effect of others. Stop behaving in relationship to this person. Don’t buy into the familiar emotional territory of your childhood. Be your own grown-up person. Stop focusing on them and focus on yourself. Be who you know yourself to be rather than jumping into the underdog or black sheep costume of your childhood. Get out of reactionary mode and simply be yourself. By moving your attention away from the bully, you stop feeding on or into the situation.
Strategy 4: Stop wanting or expecting the other person to change. Before entering the situation, psyche yourself up. Remind yourself that this other person is probably never going to change his or her behavior toward you. Make your consciousness big enough to let that happen without being the center of your attention. Make peace with it. Let it be so without trying to change it in any way. Focus instead on learning how to stay true to yourself in the presence of someone who belittles you. Stop giving them your power. Remember that both of you have the freedom to choose how you will behave. Take the high road and don’t expect them to join you.
Strategy 5: Practice forgiveness. If you find yourself having a hard time with the situation, launch yourself into forgiveness mode in the privacy of your own mind. Forgive yourself for judging yourself for any judgments you have against yourself or the other person. Keep doing this as judgments come up. Neutralize them with forgiveness. If you don’t really feel the forgiveness, do it anyway — fake it till you make it.
Strategy 6: Step free of the drama and choose to have a healthy, good time. Setting and holding to the intention of doing it differently goes a very long way. Choose out of the drama and into having an authentically good time. Give more of your attention and interest to other people at the gathering. Help out in the kitchen. Just find some way to do it all differently. If you typically sit in a corner, get up and mingle. Find a buffer — someone you can engage with to shift your focus. Just do whatever it takes to keep moving your attention away from the drama and into finding new ways to be with your family. By doing it differently, you will elicit different responses.
Strategy 7: Strike out on your own for the holidays. If your family gatherings are simply unbearable for you, don’t go! There is no law that you have to spend the holidays with your family. What does the holiday mean to you? If it is about being with your family — then figure out how to do that using the first six strategies above and evolve a place for yourself that nurtures and supports you. If the meaning of the holiday is about the deeper religious message it brings, then find other people to be with who share your beliefs. Maybe you just want to have a light-hearted time. If so, then give yourself the gift of creating that for yourself with our without other people. Take ownership of your own experience and create a happy and blessed holiday for yourself.
The holidays come and go every year. Don’t stay stuck in a bad emotional drama. The willingness to do it differently will always create the means and ability you need. Trust yourself and have the courage to step free. Happy holidays, everyone.
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Tips for Dealing With Other People’s Opinions
They say opinions are like noses — everyone has one. Whether you like it or not, people have opinions about you. What you do with those opinions is entirely up to you.
Consider a coaching client of mine who had a really tough time dealing with her family’s opinion of her over the holidays. On the surface everything looked fine, but she was living in her own personal hell, reliving the drama of her childhood. It seems that her brother’s life has been filled with one notable mainstream success after another — the stuff of which parents are very proud. As his younger sister, my client has lived in his shadow, feeling as though she could never measure up or elicit the level of enthusiastic approval her brother generated from their parents. Now as a grown young woman whose life path is ambiguous compared to her brother’s, she is still thrown for a loop when asked “What’s new?” or “What are you up to these days?” These seemingly harmless questions evoke a cold sweat and terror for her, and the otherwise confident and delightful person she is becomes flooded with self-rejection, unable to stand in support of herself. The truth is she has a great vision, passion and plans that will take years to develop. She is doing a wonderful job of finding her way off the beaten track of the mainstream to create a new kind of school that will provide a wonderful education, caring community and magnificent opportunities for a largely marginalized segment of our population. But, that is tough to talk about enthusiastically in an elevator speech to people who measure success in terms of concrete recognizable achievements — or worse yet — don’t even care.
When a situation that is this emotionally juicy comes up in your life, it is a wonderful opportunity to gain some life wisdom. In this particular case, there is much to be learned about dealing with life in a social context where everybody is having opinions about themselves and each other all the time.
Here are the tips I gave my client. Perhaps they will help you or someone you know as well.
Tip #1: Form your own honest opinion about yourself.
If you fall apart for fear of what others will think of you, then your sense of self-worth is contingent on the opinions of others. While your truth may not be very popular, to abandon yourself is the worst possible response you could have. No matter what anyone else thinks of you, no one’s opinion of you has more power than your own. If you abandon your own ship at the least suggestion of a negative response from others, you need to be doing some deep inner work to identify your point of vulnerability so you can heal your relationship with yourself. Your attitude toward yourself has the power to define the quality of your inner and outer experiences. So if you are not thinking highly of yourself, get to work on that.
Tip #2: Check out your expectations about other people’s opinions of you.
The difference between expectations and reality is a good measurement of the amount of suffering we cause ourselves by holding unrealistic expectations. Do you expect everyone to like you and have a positive opinion of you? If so, you are going to have a lot of unpleasant experiences. It is important to develop tolerance for a variety of reactions to you and what you are doing in your life. If you are walking a mainstream path of success like my client’s brother, you are likely to get lots of positive reactions and not have too much trouble in this area. If you know yourself to be a good person, value that knowledge more than the vicissitudes of the opinions of others.
Tip #3: Develop a great elevator speech.
The fact is, polite conversation is not typically all that deep. When someone asks you how or what you are doing, consider the source of the question. Is this someone who really wants to know the depths of your growing edges or are they simply being polite? A good place to start your response is with a terrific elevator speech. In 30 seconds to two minutes, you want to get your point across with confidence and enthusiasm. If your message is “I’m at Harvard Medical School and I love it,” you are likely to get a wonderful response from just about anyone. However, if your path, like that of my client, is more of an exploration without having reached a notable destination yet, it might take a bit more effort to develop an effective elevator speech. Play with this and learn to by your own best public relations person.
Tip #4: Remember that most of communication is nonverbal.
If you are falling apart trying to answer the simple question of “How are you doing?” then most likely a major nonverbal communication has already taken place before you even open your mouth to respond. Consider your nonverbal communication in terms of your body posture and gestures, voice tone, eye contact or lack thereof, etc., as well as what feeling you are getting from this other person. Let these clues guide you in your verbal response. If necessary, find a way to make a quick exit and go to the bathroom or somewhere else where you can pull yourself together.
Tip #5: Pay more attention to your inner dialogue and what button in you the other person pushes.
Learn from your own behavior. Play detective within yourself to figure out what your point of vulnerability is and get to work on it. Remember these emotional buttons we have that other people push are simply pointing out to us where we need to do some inner work.
Tip #6: Smile and change the subject when you have said what you want to say.
A nice smile goes a very long way. Learn to be a clever conversationalist so you can steer the conversation away from areas that are difficult for you. Celebrate who you are and don’t let others rain on your parade.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
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Why You Should Stop Making Snap Judgments
Dictionaries specify that the word “judgment” refers to the process of forming an opinion after careful consideration. Judgments have their place in a court of law where, by social agreement, authority is granted to a judge or jury to determine whether or not someone’s behavior is or is not in accordance with the law. However, while no one has granted us the authority to play judge and jury in our personal lives, most of us make snap judgments all the time declaring our approval or disapproval of whatever and whomever we are observing or experiencing. The problem is that these snap judgments forgo careful consideration, and are typically merely the automatic expression of our personal prejudices and pet peeves. They happen so fast that we often have trouble distinguishing between our judgments and reality, and sometimes we are not even aware of the fact that we are judging ourselves or others. These little judgments, whether we say them out loud or not, are often extremely damaging to those we judge.
Typically, our point of view is built upon thousands of little snap judgments and assumptions we make about who and what we encounter in our lives. This amalgamation becomes so familiar to us that we seldom question its veracity. Here’s an experiment for you. Spend about five minutes observing your mind chatter while out in public without judging what you hear yourself thinking. Notice how often you make snap judgments. For example, “He could afford to lose a few pounds,” or “I really love the color of her hair,” or “Oh, yuck, it’s raining.” Now, you might say those aren’t judgments, they are observations. On closer inspection, notice that each of these statements probably carried with it a level of approval or disapproval, which is what makes them judgments. Observations have no emotional charge — no personal vote for or against what is being seen or experienced. For example, “It’s raining. I’ll get an umbrella,” has no charge.
Snap judgments are a form of positional thinking — right/wrong, good/bad, desirable/undesirable. Energetically, each time we make one of these judgments, we are either accepting or rejecting someone or something. When the vote is positive, there is no harm unless it occurs in a relationship where one person’s sense of self-worth is dependent upon the approval of the other. When snap judgments are negative, they are a form of emotional pollution and depending on the intensity of the judgment, they can impart psychic violence. For example, just recently, I was with a friend and her husband. She did a few things that annoyed him. While I understood why he was perturbed, I was shocked by the vehemence of his verbal reaction to her. I literally felt my body automatically contract in fear, and his remarks were not even directed at me.
Whether spoken or not, snap judgments have a powerful influence on us and the emotional environment we share. Psychologists and linguists have estimated that about 80 percent of communication is nonverbal, with one UCLA study finding that as much as 93 percent of communication is dictated by nonverbal factors.
Energetically, imagine how much damage all these judgments are doing to people. Consider the overweight man. Don’t you think he knows or feels that people are judging him? What would it be like for him if he received an overwhelming amount of compassion rather than judgment? Do you think he would notice the difference?
For many, judgment is a way of life. Did you ever meet one of those people who thinks he or she is always right? They can be very convincing and so emphatic that it can be disarming to stand in a different point of view. Even without an audience, we can be so used to our own points of view that anything or anyone who doesn’t agree with us can be immediately seen to be false and be rejected like a knee-jerk reaction, without consideration of possible merit.
Imagine what might happen if we all started to hold ourselves accountable for the impact our snap judgments have on others. What if my friend’s husband observed her behavior with more neutrality and saw the situation as a time when he needed to dig a little deeper to access his love for her rather than thoughtlessly attacking her in front of her friend? We always have kinder options available to us. The trick is having the sense to choose them. This takes practice, but just as snap judgments can become a habitual behavior, so can kindness. We just have to choose to be conscious and responsible for our behavior and practice, practice, practice kinder reactions to each other.
A negative snap judgment carries with it some kind of rejection and punishment. It may simply be the act of pulling ourselves back from the other person, creating separation. Or it can involve the spewing of a lot of negative attitude and lack of cooperation, or fists might fly. The kinder alternative is to establish the habit of reacting with greater neutrality by simply observing what is happening and calmly communicating your concerns and preferences with clarity and kindness. People aren’t wrong because they don’t agree with you. They just see things differently from their point of view. Cultivate an attitude of curiosity to better understand why others look and behave in ways other than what you prefer. You might be surprised how much compassion you feel when you choose to contribute to a safe emotional environment for everyone.
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When Friends Don’t See Eye-to-Eye
Did you ever have a really good friendship where everything was just rolling along until one day you hit an impasse that you couldn’t seem to get past? I’ve been hearing a lot of stories like this lately and have had my fair share as well. So let’s take a look at what could be happening and the options for resolution.
Many of us suffer from the faulty assumption that others — particularly those we befriend — are “just like me.” We think that because things go smoothly between us they must therefore think like us, process their emotions like us, and share our most cherished beliefs and values. Not so! And therein lies one of the biggest challenges in friendships. Coming to terms with the “otherness” of your friend — especially those parts you find undesirable — can be the hardest, yet most rewarding part and the source of some of life’s greatest lessons.
I’ve learned that when a big problem surfaces in a friendship, I need to raise my consciousness above the level of “I said, they said” where I am blaming and judging one of us — usually the other person because that’s the territory of the ego. I want to lift to a higher place where I have enough altitude to see the bigger picture we find ourselves in. That’s where I can find compassion for us both struggling to find some solid ground and where it is possible to remind myself what has been good and abiding between us. That’s where I can see that we all just want to be loved and to matter to each other. When I get to that place, I can usually let go of my judgments and hurt feelings and figure out how I want to move forward in terms of the other person. It is also from this higher perspective that I can see and learn from whatever life lessons the situation has brought my way. However, it can take me a long time to get there because my ego can be quite tenacious at times.
Here are some guidelines for getting through the territory of the ego:
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Generosity or Greed — It’s a Matter of Choice
“There is a struggle that is more interesting than pleasure or ego satisfaction… There is something far more interesting than what money can buy.” — Jacob Needleman
I find it fascinating that 92 percent of Americans claim belief in God yet current politics suggest that only 1 percent of us have it all while the other 99 percent share in experiencing not enough. If we are all equal in the eyes of God, how come we are so far from that in the eyes of man? What have we created, promoted and allowed to happen here?
All major religious and spiritual traditions urge us to live our lives from the inside out, expressing outward into the world instead of in reaction to externals. We are urged to ground our consciousness in the core of our being where we find a oneness with others that allows us to be together in a loving, caring and cooperative manner. Whether one believes that this core of our being is God or love or something else, when we touch into this place an urge to unite is aroused. Some fear that this urge to unite is diametrically opposed to personal material wealth and comfort. Others suggest that as in the two parables of the loaves and the fishes where Jesus is said to have fed a multitude with just a few small barley loaves and fish, compassion creates possibilities that are invisible to those driven by self-interest.
Since we are social beings, we are individually and collectively faced with an existential challenge regarding our level of concern for the welfare of others. Each collective, whether a family, a country or our entire global community, contributes to the state of our consciousness through the creation of a particular set of social systems and culture. Each collective encourages us towards certain beliefs, desires and behaviors, and discourages us from others. Each inclines its members towards competition or cooperation in relationships with others.
Unfortunately, in contemporary American society the two major relationship models are co-dependency and competition. Neither fosters a strong sense of self-worth, equality or caring for one another. As a result, most individuals end up as losers in these models.
Money and material wealth have become the language and measurement of human value. Our economic system, which necessitates growth to survive, serves as the bedrock of society. The structures and norms of our society are designed to ensure the survival of our economy and have cast us in the roles of producers and consumers, ceaselessly barraged by commercial enticements to stimulate and indulge our desires. This entraps us in a system that serves too few at the expense of too many and leaves us with little time or energy to explore other dimensions of our selves. For too many of us, our material success has brought with it a poverty of spirit.
Distracted by the external world, we lose sight of the intimate dance of the relativity of our mental, emotional and spiritual selves with one another. Yet, it is the social dimension of our lives that gives moral meaning to our individual and collective choices. Perhaps this is why the fundamental teachings of all the major world religions contain a version of the Golden Rule to guide us in our social interactions.
When we look outward instead of inward, it is easy to become disconnected from a deep sense of the relevance of our being and our connection to one another. Too many of us are caught up in the illusion that our personal happiness and success in life will be achieved through the acquisition and accumulation of monetary wealth and possessions. Yet, ultimately, we come to realize that financial and material riches are empty and unsatisfying in the absence of a state of consciousness that deeply connects us to others. Indeed, a diamond ring or a Hummer is of little comfort on your deathbed.
Ultimately each of us is responsible for the priorities we set in our lives, the choices we make and the effects they have on ourselves and others. We come to realize that financial and material riches are empty and unsatisfying in the absence of a state of consciousness that deeply connects us to others.
Many of us, disillusioned by the empty promises of the gravy train, are instead boarding the generosity train, delighting in its riches of loving, caring and sharing and are finding ourselves humbled and surprised by the abundance that is achievable when we first ground ourselves in a consciousness that is concerned about the highest good of all concerned. As the signs and wonders of this powerful shift in consciousness take hold, it manifests in new attitudes, beliefs and actions and a commitment to reach for something higher and nobler within and among ourselves.
In Buddhist teachings, greed, hate and ignorance are considered three poisons in human consciousness that lead to the evil we create in the world that is the ultimate source of our suffering. The practice of generosity is the first stage of the Buddhist spiritual path and an opportunity for any of us to reverse a greed-based view of life. Giving with a kind, loving heart opens the human spirit to fulfillment through nonattachment and loving kindness. It lightens our mind, makes us more available to insight and sets us free from our greed.
Perhaps I sound like a Pollyanna socialist to some. I assure you, I am neither. I am simply someone who thinks we have taken a devastatingly expensive wrong turn in our search for happiness. My goal is to raise consciousness about this so we can do something constructive that has the potential to bring us a whole lot more happiness in our lives.
I have a request — please watch the following two videos about generosity.
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What Is Karma and How Does it Work?
The term “karma” is often used with great casualness, with little understanding of its profundity. People dismissively say “it’s my karma,” suggesting that their destiny or fate is merely the luck or bad fortune of the draw. This use of the term suggests a lack of personal power or responsibility for being at both the cause and the effect of what occurs in one’s life. Using the phrase “it’s my karma” suggests victimhood, and karma is anything but victimhood.
In Christianity, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, the term “sin” is commonly defined as missing the mark through “deliberate disobedience to the known will of God.” This missing of the mark, also called karma, is the spiritual accountability for our actions. Thus, “karma” is not what we commonly think of as “good” or “bad” fortune, but rather the causal responsibility for those results.
This deeper understanding of karma rests upon our essential identity as souls — spiritual beings who are animated by a vital and divine force. As souls we are spiritually held accountable for what we create, promote, and allow in our lives. We are constantly in the process of accruing and/or balancing out karmic debts of responsibility for our creations. Karma is not physical, it is spiritual, and we carry karma forward through time within a given lifetime or, as some believe, from one lifetime until the next. Once accrued, the balancing action of karma plays out on the stage of our everyday lives through our bodies, thoughts, feelings, relationships, circumstances, and experiences. The name of the game of life is to pay off our karmic debts rather than accruing new ones so we can come to know ourselves and others as divine beings and enter into the consciousness of God.
Just as gravity is a law of the physical world, so is karma a law of the spiritual world. We are held responsible for our actions and, more precisely, for the intention of our actions. This responsibility exists within the context of an individual soul’s relationship with God. When one deliberately disobeys the will of God, karma is accrued. It is the intent of one’s actions that generates karma. All major religions have some version of the seven deadly sins to caution followers in avoiding yielding to desires, illusions, and choices that take us away from the will of God. The causal relationship between our current actions and future occurrences is referenced in Galations 6:7 (King James Version) “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”
Spiritually, as well as physically, the type and quality of seeds one plants will determine the quality of the crop to be harvested. As souls, what we do comes back to us according to God’s design. If we have imbalances in our consciousness (known as karmic debts), we either find ourselves presented with the same lesson again and again within one lifetime until we gain the wisdom and value of the lesson being presented, or we re-embody, carrying the karma over from one lifetime till the next. Spirit is forever patient with our process of learning.
Karma is not about retribution, vengeance, punishment or reward, but a reaping of the harvest we ourselves have planted. Through our thoughts and behaviors, we sow seeds that are later harvested.
When karma comes present in our lives, it is because we are being given the opportunity to reap our harvest. There is no such thing as a good harvest or a bad harvest. It is just our harvest. It is our opportunity to make different choices in life than those that caused our karmic accrual in the first place. Karma is at once the consequence of past actions and the opportunity for healing and balancing in the present. It is a balancing action that offers us chances through life circumstances, situations, and relationships to learn important spiritual lessons. It has been my experience that gaining understanding of how the karma has been manifesting in our lives comes only after the balancing and learning have already occurred — like a kind of 20/20 hindsight. Understanding these lessons sharpens and clarifies the lens through which our consciousness perceives, and in so doing, elevates our awareness of the presence of Spirit in our lives.
If you espouse the belief that this world is somehow a classroom and we, as souls, are here to learn, then you probably appreciate the law of karma as an exquisite design to tailor our lessons to our own personal needs. The irony is that the personality and mind of our ego self is subject to a higher authority when it comes to determining the nature of the lessons to be learned and how and when they will be taught.
If you believe in God, you probably think that the unpredictability of karmic payback is pretty smart too. While we are in total control of whether or not we create new karma for ourselves, we don’t get a say in how and when payback comes. So, a worldview with God in it is rather like being a kid trying to behave because Christmas is coming. You know your behavior has consequences and that you are accountable for your choices.
The goal here is not to have an absence of karma. We are here because we have karma to work out and lessons to learn. However, learning our lessons and seeking a healthy relationship with God seems to be a really smart strategy.
Here are a few great quotes about karma:
I would love to know your thoughts about karma and how it informs our lives.
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