Both individually and collectively, we are paying an enormous emotional and financial price for being silenced by our society’s taboo against talking about death and dying. Other societies educate their members about the reality of death and the processes of dying and grieving. We do not. We are left to figure it out for ourselves, relying on doctors and funeral directors to tell us what to do once we are face to face with death. We don’t know what to say, what to do, how to cope or to grieve. Most of us simply let “the experts” lead us around by the nose — too stunned to take charge of the situation ourselves.
Consider the following observations and facts about the costs we bear for this:
(1) Eighty percent of Americans do not put their personal affairs in order before they die.
(2) In 2009, Medicare paid 55 billion just for doctor and hospital bills for the last two months of patients’ lives. That’s more than the budget for the Department of Homeland Security or the Department of Education. And, it’s been estimated that 20-30 percent of these medical expenses may have had no meaningful impact. Most of the bills are paid for by the Federal Government with few or no questions asked. (“The Cost of Dying,” 60 Minutes, 8/8/10
(2) Many doctors view their inability to “cure” a patient as a professional failure and are therefore reluctant to suggest palliative care even when they know there is little to no hope of recovery. Largely as a result, the average stay in Hospice care is just two weeks.
(3) Most hospital patients, relying on doctors to advise them of their healthcare options, fail to take into consideration the vested interests of the doctors and hospitals. As a result, many terminal patients are given false hope by a frenzy of tests and procedures that do little more than protect the doctors and hospitals against potential lawsuits and provide financial benefit to the doctors, hospitals, insurance and drug companies while denying the patient the opportunity to transition into his or her process of dying.
(4) A vast majority of Americans say they want to die at home, but 75 percent die in a hospital or nursing home…18-20 percent of Americans spend their last days in an ICU. ((“The Cost of Dying,” 60 Minutes, 8/8/10)
(5) Most of us have no idea how to discuss the reality of death with our loved ones and are thereby denied the opportunity to share our thoughts, feelings and fears with each other. As a result, many terminally-ill patients put a smile on their faces and silently suffer in emotional isolation.
(6) The average funeral in the U.S., including a cemetery plot and grave, costs between $10,000 and $12,000. Only about 5 percent of Americans preplan their end of life rituals. The rest leave it to their loved ones to figure out while grieving their loss. Bereft family members rely on funeral directors to tell them what to do. Left to second guess what would have been meaningful to the deceased, loved ones typically overspend for fear of not doing enough. Most of us are not even aware of the many less costly and, in many cases, more emotionally gratifying alternatives that are available for saying our final goodbyes.
(7) Legal fees for a simple will are several hundred dollars. The legal fees associated with finalizing an estate where there is no will or a poorly written will run thousands.
(8) While we silently suffer with each other, the medical, accounting and legal estate planning industries are booming at our expense.
For those who agree with me that we need to make some fundamental changes, I’d like to suggest that we begin by breaking through the taboo against talking about death in this country. A good place to start is to explore our own thoughts, feelings and experiences. Taking ownership of our own point of view empowers us to more fully participate in making meaningful decisions on our own behalf and that of those we love. The alternative is to continue to live in denial, fear, silence and paralysis.
I invite you to consider the following questions. You might want to find a quiet place and write your responses:
1. Which of the following best defines how and what you think/believe happens when we die? (More than one might apply).
- We simply stop being – going out like a fire. Our physical body dies and that is all we are.
- We are spiritual beings having human experiences and at death our body dies, but our spirit or soul lives on.
- We only live this one life.
- Our souls reincarnate, taking on different physical identities to work off karmic
imbalances accrued from this life and previous lives.
- We go to heaven, hell or purgatory.
2. Did anyone educate you about death? If so, who was it and what did you learn?
3. Have you experienced the death of a loved one? If so, what was that like for you? How did it change you?
4. do you think and how do you feel about your own death?
By breaking the silence within ourselves on this topic, we set the foundation for making decisions that are in alignment with our deepest beliefs and values about life and death. It is in claiming these values and beliefs that we are best able to meet our death on our own terms – with greater self-determination about such things as our end of life healthcare, the disposition of our belongings and the kind of end of life ritual that would be appropriate for us. It also supports us in coping with the death of our loved ones.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
How to Suppress Your Inner Tyrant
One of the biggest challenges to our sense of well-being is uncertainty about whether or not we are good enough. Many of us falsely assume that the fulfillment of our dreams for a promotion, love, weight loss or writing a best-seller is attributable to our level of worthiness. But one’s essential worthiness has nothing to do with it. Whether we ever come to know and honor our totally magnificent selves is a better question than are we worthy. We are multi-dimensional beings in a very complex world and many of us spend a lifetime coming to the awareness that each of us was born worthy of being loved, experiencing success and being happy. The catch is we have to learn how to remove whatever is in the way of us knowing that is so.
To equate success or failure in the world with our own innate worthiness or lack thereof is not only illogical but dangerous. We get into trouble when we hold ourselves up to a standard of “good enough” that we carry inside us but never seem to be able to achieve and sustain. Alternatively, some of us worship an abstract, external standard that doesn’t really take our personal reality into account. Furthermore, we are bombarded with images of “beautiful people” who are professionally styled, made up and air-brushed — even they don’t really look like that!
Many great athletes have learned that ultimately they compete against themselves rather than against opponents. Life has taught me to require of myself that I do my very best as often as possible and to be very pleased with myself for that. This is a much more gentle way of relating to myself than the many years I spent living with a nagging voice inside my head who ran incessant negative feedback. Do you have one of those? I call them inner tyrants. I have learned that success is about reclaiming authority over my mind from my inner tyrant. It is about doing my best and striving for excellence — not perfection.
The process of learning to drop false standards of perfection by silencing our inner tyrants allows us to embrace ourselves as we are, trusting that we are doing the best we can. It is about becoming better friends to ourselves and is an ongoing journey that involves several key steps:
1. Pay attention to what is going on inside of your head. Notice that when you are being hard on yourself it is usually a red flag that you are getting in the way of creating, promoting or allowing what you want to come forward.
2. Take responsibility for what you are saying to yourself. Notice when you are being unkind to yourself, and stop as soon as possible. Don’t make yourself wrong for beating up on yourself, simply stop the behavior, forgive yourself and move on.
3. Silence your inner tyrant. There are two key strategies here. First, stop feeding the negativity and second insert a more positive view of yourself and your efforts. If a battle ensues as your tyrant seeks to reassert control over your mind, develop your skills as a worthy opponent.
4. Turn the process into a game. Little by little, each time this challenge of your inner tyrant asserts itself, go into this process and turn it into a game of doing more of what works for you and less of what doesn’t.
Whenever I work with a client who is struggling with an inner tyrant, I share the following poem by Portia Nelson which does a great job of describing the process of freeing ourselves from inner negativity.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in, again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit… but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down another street.
Doing the very best I can has become my new definition of “good enough.” I have also evolved a great response to my inner tyrant whenever she tests me or when I am having a really hard time understanding why some aspect of my life does not seem to be working out very well. It is simply this: “I am doing the best I can and this is what it looks like!” A little humor, compassion and kindness for ourselves yield far better results than pushing ourselves around forever striving to be good enough to get our own approval or that of others. Just do your best and be proud of yourself.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
The Two Caveats in the Golden Rule
Many languages and cultures carry the same wisdom: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” One would think that is always good advice. However, there are two fundamental assumptions in The Golden Rule that require a note of caution in its application.
Consider the following situation. Several years ago, I was working with a client who was in an abusive marriage. She was very clear that she wanted to leave her husband and needed to do so. But, she just couldn’t do it. When we explored why, it turned out to be attributable to her deep belief in The Golden Rule. Her interpretation was that her husband was unemployed, fairly unemployable and generally down on his luck and if she was in his shoes, she certainly would not want her spouse to leave her. While enormously compassionate, she was still being abused.
Her literal interpretation of The Golden Rule blocked her from seeing the full picture of what was going on. The reality was that if she was in her husband’s position, she would not behave as he was behaving. He was one of those downright nasty people who took pleasure from manipulating and hurting other people and making his life challenges other people’s problems. Somehow, it gave him a sense of being superior.
The first caveat to The Golden Rule is that it must be applied to one’s self first and then to others. In other words, do onto yourself as you would have others do onto you. If you extend your loving kindness to others at your own expense, then you become your own abuser. Put another way, if there is a conflict between treating yourself and the other person with loving kindness, it is wise to take care of yourself first so that you can come from a position of strength and balance in being of service to others.
I learned this wisdom when I was ordained. The charge of my ministry was to first minister to myself, not in a selfish way, but rather as a loving parent tends to the needs of a child. The ministry then extends to others. It took me many years to appreciate the wisdom of making sure I was maintaining my own health and balance so that I could relate to others in a more loving way without doing so at my own expense.
Here’s how the first caveat applied to my client. She was so focused on how she was treating her husband that she neglected to look at how she was behaving towards herself. She was allowing herself to be abused continuously. When I shared the first caveat with her, she recognized that she was allowing herself to be abused by ignoring her responsibility to herself and focusing only on how she would feel in her husband’s shoes — completely unaware of the fact that she would never behave as he did. Just as repeatedly burning your hand by placing it over a flame is unwise, so is opening the door to repeated abuse.
The second caveat is the assumption that you are dealing with a healthy person of integrity. Sometimes you are not. When someone is in such an unhealthy place in their consciousness as to be repeatedly abusive to others, the most loving response for one’s self and the abuser is often to leave or refuse to engage in an adversarial response. This refusal to support the abuser in his or her weakness can be the wakeup call needed. Our most loving behavior is often to refuse to tolerate abuse.
The bottom line is that we all want to be loved by each other, but sometimes we lose sight of that and treat one another in terrible ways. The way I interpret The Golden Rule is not that we are supposed to turn the other cheek by inviting more abuse, but rather serving one another by example. Figuratively, we can turn the other cheek by not responding to aggression with aggression but with what we truly believe is for the highest good of all concerned. For example, when my client left her husband she wrote him a long and loving letter in which she affirmed her love for him, wished him well, encouraged him to get help and made it perfectly clear that the marriage was over and that it was time for her to look after her own health and well-being.
For me, the message of The Golden Rule is to treat each other with loving kindness. Sometimes this means demonstrating our unwillingness to meet aggression with aggression by choosing not to participate in what others are dishing out.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
The Importance of End-of-Life Preparation
We live in a society that has an enormous taboo against thinking about and talking about death. Yet there is a 100 percent probability that each of us will die. For the 80 percent who do not put their affairs in order, their loved ones will pay a very heavy price both financially and emotionally.
Most of us hope and pray that our death will come peacefully during sleep when we are very old. In reality, we never know what day or moment will be our last. According to the United States Census, 10 percent of us die before the age of 60; 45 percent die in our 60s or 70s; and the remaining 45 percent die after the age of 80. The importance of putting our affairs in order obviously escalates as we age, yet one in ten of us will have needed to have our affairs in order before the age of 60. So it is critically important for all adult Americans.
My definition of putting your affairs in order is that at a minimum, all adults need to have two legal documents: a health care proxy and a will or trust. It is best to use the legal forms sanctioned by your state government. Let’s first take a closer look at what these documents are and why they are so important before considering why so many of us fail to execute them.
Healthcare Proxy (aka: Medical Power of Attorney): This legal document appoints someone to make decisions on our behalf regarding our health care in the event that we are either temporarily or permanently unable to speak for ourselves. With all the advances in modern medicine, decisions regarding such things as resuscitation, feeding tubes and Hospice care make it increasingly important for us to thoughtfully consider our hypothetical options in advance of need. We need to consider the circumstances under which these decisions might be needed — for example, the resuscitation of an 18-year-old at the site of a car accident versus a 94 year old in a nursing home. It is imperative that we discuss our beliefs and preferences with the person we appoint as our health care proxy. Some people also document their specific wishes in a Living Will (aka: Advance Healthcare Directives). The appointment of your health care proxy is legally more important than filling out a Living Will as your proxy will be your spokesperson in the event of need.
In the absence of a health care proxy to serve as your spokesperson, many physicians view the death of a patient as a professional failure rather than a natural end to life. Therefore, it is not uncommon for them to err on the side of too much poking and prodding to avoid any opportunity for a lawsuit claiming that they did not do everything possible to save one’s life. This happens despite the fact that repeated studies have shown that increased medical interventions at life’s end have not reduced mortality rates, but have only prolonged the dying process.
A Last Will and Testament or Trust: Wills and Trusts are legal tools that allow us to plan ahead for the disposition of our possessions according to our expressed wishes taking into account the impact of taxes. Very simply, the terms of a will or trust dictate the disposition of one’s property.
Many people think wills and trusts are only for the wealthy. Not so. They are for the smart, regardless of the modesty or magnitude of one’s material and financial wealth. If you have no will, you have no voice or choice. Regardless of how much or how little you have, death in the absence of a will means that state law will direct the disposition of your property.
Some people tell themselves they do not need a will because everyone already knows who is to get what. But, this is an example of why I say wills are for smart people! While your loved ones might know your wishes, unless you have a will, they don’t have the legal authority to distribute your property! A will not only expresses your wishes but grants the authority to enforce those wishes. We have all heard horror stories of families torn apart over who gets Auntie Dorothy’s filigreed vase. Therefore, instead of tempting fate with the possibility of your family members jockeying for position over the disposition of your assets, it is wise to spell out your wishes in a will or trust.
So the question remains: why isn’t it the norm rather than the exception for people to put their affairs in order? The answer is quite simply fear, overwhelm, discomfort and superstition — not very good reasons for failing to execute such critically important documents.
The top five excuses and secret fears for not putting one’s affairs in order:
1. If I put my affairs in order, then I will die very soon.
Not true! There is absolutely no connection. This is simply an irrational fear.
2. I’ll do it later. I’m too busy. Or, I’m young, and therefore have plenty of time.
How much time you have is not in your control.
3. It is all too much. I don’t know where to start. I’m overwhelmed.
Just do it! The risk involved in not having these documents is just too high!
4. It’s too creepy to deal with this stuff.
It’s creepy to change a baby’s diaper, but you do it anyway!
5. It’s too expensive. I can’t afford the legal expense right now.
It will be far more expensive both financially and legally for your loved ones if you don’t get this done and you forfeit the right to direct your own affairs.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
Why We Need to Talk About Death and Dying
Both individually and collectively, we are paying an enormous emotional and financial price for being silenced by our society’s taboo against talking about death and dying. Other societies educate their members about the reality of death and the processes of dying and grieving. We do not. We are left to figure it out for ourselves, relying on doctors and funeral directors to tell us what to do once we are face to face with death. We don’t know what to say, what to do, how to cope or to grieve. Most of us simply let “the experts” lead us around by the nose — too stunned to take charge of the situation ourselves.
Consider the following observations and facts about the costs we bear for this:
(1) Eighty percent of Americans do not put their personal affairs in order before they die.
(2) In 2009, Medicare paid 55 billion just for doctor and hospital bills for the last two months of patients’ lives. That’s more than the budget for the Department of Homeland Security or the Department of Education. And, it’s been estimated that 20-30 percent of these medical expenses may have had no meaningful impact. Most of the bills are paid for by the Federal Government with few or no questions asked. (“The Cost of Dying,” 60 Minutes, 8/8/10
(2) Many doctors view their inability to “cure” a patient as a professional failure and are therefore reluctant to suggest palliative care even when they know there is little to no hope of recovery. Largely as a result, the average stay in Hospice care is just two weeks.
(3) Most hospital patients, relying on doctors to advise them of their healthcare options, fail to take into consideration the vested interests of the doctors and hospitals. As a result, many terminal patients are given false hope by a frenzy of tests and procedures that do little more than protect the doctors and hospitals against potential lawsuits and provide financial benefit to the doctors, hospitals, insurance and drug companies while denying the patient the opportunity to transition into his or her process of dying.
(4) A vast majority of Americans say they want to die at home, but 75 percent die in a hospital or nursing home…18-20 percent of Americans spend their last days in an ICU. ((“The Cost of Dying,” 60 Minutes, 8/8/10)
(5) Most of us have no idea how to discuss the reality of death with our loved ones and are thereby denied the opportunity to share our thoughts, feelings and fears with each other. As a result, many terminally-ill patients put a smile on their faces and silently suffer in emotional isolation.
(6) The average funeral in the U.S., including a cemetery plot and grave, costs between $10,000 and $12,000. Only about 5 percent of Americans preplan their end of life rituals. The rest leave it to their loved ones to figure out while grieving their loss. Bereft family members rely on funeral directors to tell them what to do. Left to second guess what would have been meaningful to the deceased, loved ones typically overspend for fear of not doing enough. Most of us are not even aware of the many less costly and, in many cases, more emotionally gratifying alternatives that are available for saying our final goodbyes.
(7) Legal fees for a simple will are several hundred dollars. The legal fees associated with finalizing an estate where there is no will or a poorly written will run thousands.
(8) While we silently suffer with each other, the medical, accounting and legal estate planning industries are booming at our expense.
For those who agree with me that we need to make some fundamental changes, I’d like to suggest that we begin by breaking through the taboo against talking about death in this country. A good place to start is to explore our own thoughts, feelings and experiences. Taking ownership of our own point of view empowers us to more fully participate in making meaningful decisions on our own behalf and that of those we love. The alternative is to continue to live in denial, fear, silence and paralysis.
I invite you to consider the following questions. You might want to find a quiet place and write your responses:
1. Which of the following best defines how and what you think/believe happens when we die? (More than one might apply).
imbalances accrued from this life and previous lives.
2. Did anyone educate you about death? If so, who was it and what did you learn?
3. Have you experienced the death of a loved one? If so, what was that like for you? How did it change you?
4. do you think and how do you feel about your own death?
By breaking the silence within ourselves on this topic, we set the foundation for making decisions that are in alignment with our deepest beliefs and values about life and death. It is in claiming these values and beliefs that we are best able to meet our death on our own terms – with greater self-determination about such things as our end of life healthcare, the disposition of our belongings and the kind of end of life ritual that would be appropriate for us. It also supports us in coping with the death of our loved ones.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
Talking to Doctors About a Terminal Diagnosis
If you receive a terminal diagnosis, you may be shocked or not, but one thing is very clear, you have some important decisions to make. Others can advise you and/or express their concerns, but ultimately it is you, and only you, who must decide what course of action to take. Do you want to try anything and everything available, both conventional and unconventional? Or, is your inclination to seek hospice or some other form of palliative care? Or, somewhere in between? The decision is yours.
Remember that everyone who expresses a point of view on what you should or should not do has a vested interest. Loved ones may feel strongly about a course of action other than the one you choose. It is also important to recognize that doctors are in the business of saving and preserving lives and, unfortunately, are focused on avoiding malpractice lawsuits as well. As a result, many doctors view the option of palliative care or hospice as a personal and professional failure and therefore do not introduce this option readily. Instead, most doctors are inclined to pursue ongoing medical treatment to slow the progression of the disease.
Here are several things to keep in mind when talking to doctors about a terminal diagnosis.
It is remarkable how many people with a terminal diagnosis report a heightened sense of being alive for the remainder of their journey. It is my wish that those of you facing a terminal diagnosis embrace your journey, using your remaining time to share yourself with your loved ones and to bring peace, balance and completion to your life.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
6 Ways To Talk About Death And Dying
In response to my 8/9/10 post entitled “The Importance of End of Life Preparation,” Valencie Bathe wrote:
Here are several suggestions for how to have this very important conversation with those you love.
1. Talk to yourself first. No matter how uncomfortable you are with the reality of death, make a commitment to yourself to face your fears. Desensitize yourself to your fears – look at them one by one and choose to move past them. For some, this takes more courage than for others. If you find you are unable to make progress with this, consider seeking help from clergy, family, friends, or a counselor. Like entering the ocean, some of us dive in head first while others take forever adjusting to the rising level of the water against our body. Don’t allow yourself to abandon the process just because it is hard for you. Know that the liberation you will achieve will be well worth any discomfort you go through.
2. Figure out what you think and feel about death and dying. Ask yourself some deep questions about your beliefs and values like the ones presented in last week’s blog. Then take the next step of figuring out how that translates in general terms into your own end of life care, the disposition of your body, what kind of end of life ritual would be right for you and what is important to you about how your personal possessions and wealth are distributed after your death.
3. Trust your own judgment about whether to legalize your wishes before or after talking with your loved ones. Some of us are painfully private people and really don’t want to talk about and explore beliefs about death and dying with other people. That’s just fine. However, your loved ones may have different needs and it is important to find a way to support each other. If you can’t talk about it — at a minimum document your personal preferences.
4. Don’t wait until you are dying to talk about death and dying. Invite conversation on this topic with the goal of making it more normal to talk about such things.
5. Create an emotionally safe space for exploring and sharing thoughts about death with your loved ones. This is not about convincing one another that you have a superior point of view. Rather, it is essential that we learn to deeply honor each other’s right to have a different point of view – not better or worse than ours, simply different. Cultivate a spaciousness in your mind that invites dialogue. Otherwise, others will clam up around you and you will never really know what matters to them. Demonstrate your love by bearing witness to their truth. Seek to really hear each other and to respect one another’s right to their own personal truth. When adult loved ones talk to each other about death it can be especially hard if they have spent many years being silenced by our society’s taboo against the subject. It can be awkward and disturbing for some. Someone needs to be brave and set the right tone.
Parents of young children can do a great service by teaching them about death as a normal part of life. (See my 6/28/10 post:12 Ways to Help Children Understand Death.) Each family’s circumstances and situation is different, and it is up to parents to be sensitive in choosing an appropriate time to broach the subject. Ideally, this is done in the normal everyday course of life rather than within the context of grieving. I am a big fan of regular family meetings to provide a forum for families to build their connections to one another – to clear the air when necessary and to discuss matters that affect their mutual well-being.
6. Take it one step at a time and be honest with yourself and your loved ones. If you are scared, say so. That’s perfectly fine and natural. Just allow yourselves to be honest about your present state with regards to death and start there. You might want to try the following steps, knowing that the process may well take several conversations:
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
The Power of Bearing Witness
There are times in life when the highest honor, the greatest love is paid to another by simply bearing witness to his or her experience. Bearing witness is largely nonverbal. It is the choice to give the gift of a pure expression of love and respect — being a compassionate observer to the unfolding of another person’s life or a particular moment or event. In a really good marriage, two people bear witness to the fullness of one another’s life experiences — in good times and bad.
When we bear witness, we lovingly give our attention to the other without judgment. We comfort without smothering. We play a supporting role — powerfully upholding the other starring in his or her life. It is not about us. It is about them. Yet, we make a profound decision when we do not try to fix their pain and suffering or share in their experience by telling how we had a similar experience. Bearing witness says, “You are not alone. I see you. I witness what you are experiencing. What you are experiencing matters to me. I surround you with my love.”
As a life coach and grief counselor, one of the primary things I do for my clients is to simply provide a safe space for them to speak their truth — to reveal what they think and feel about their own life. So much of our lives are spent with hidden truths because there is no time or because we don’t want to be a burden or to be judged, or do not feel safe to share. So, we keep our truth to ourselves and often feel very alone as a result. When we allow another to bear witness to us, we give ourselves the freedom to be known. Somehow, it’s like having your passport stamped to say that you went to this country or that. Having someone bear witness to your reality behind all the social masks we wear is a profound form of validation.
When someone we love is hurting or dying, it is easy to feel helpless and to want to somehow end the suffering by fixing the situation. Alternatively, some of us unload our own fears, telling the one whose suffering has provoked our fears how upset and afraid we are about what is happening to them. This can cause added stress and put them in the position of trying to comfort us when they are the ones in need of our comfort. These are often the times that call us to a higher response — to simply bear witness to another person’s life journey — not to engage in it, but to stand beside them in loving support. The focus is not to make the pain go away, but rather to let that person know that they are not alone and that we trust them to do whatever it is they need to do to go through that particular experience. Sometimes, this is best done in silence.
One of the very best examples I have ever seen of the profound support we can offer to each other through bearing witness is the final chapter of “Not Like My Mother” by Irene Tomkinson. I had the privilege of meeting Irene this past weekend and having her read this chapter to me. It shares the inner experience of a mother sitting beside her daughter in a doctor’s waiting room. The daughter has come to have a clinical abortion of the deceased fetus in her womb.
I am currently in the process of bearing witness to my dear friend Roy who had colon cancer surgery about a year ago and has been under hospice care ever since. He has been one of my greatest teachers of the wisdom of life. He doesn’t judge others for making choices that he wouldn’t make. He simply says, “it’s different.” He doesn’t seem to judge his failing health either. He is going along for the ride in full cooperation. I visit Roy once or twice a week and at first I kept trying to figure out what my role was. Other than his family, caregivers and hospice team, I think I am his only visitor. I became aware of the fact that I was ill at ease at first — I didn’t know what to do. I tried too hard to put a smile on his face, to share memories with him, to entertain him. It was a relief for me when he wanted me to read to him because at least I had something specific and tangible I could do. Eventually, I learned how to just be with him. The act of showing up, looking in his eyes and stroking his head or holding his hand is how I bear witness to him. Sometimes I just sit and silently pray for him while he sleeps. I think that is the best thing I can do for him. I learned to get myself out of the way. I am bearing witness to the end of his life. Sometimes just showing up says it all.
For those of you who struggle with going to see a sick or dying friend or relative because you just don’t know what to say or do, try just showing up and bearing witness. Often, it is our own discomfort and the feeling of helplessness that we are avoiding by not going into these situations. Sometimes we forget that our job is not to fix the situation at hand, but rather to help lift the burden of the other person by letting them know we care enough to show up. In good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, it is important that we show up for each other.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
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Honoring the Memory of a Deceased Loved One
This post was inspired by an email I received from a reader regarding last week’s blog, “The Power of Bearing Witness.” He wanted to know how to bear witness to a friend who had died. When bearing witness to the living, it is essential to take our cues from them. However, when bearing witness to the deceased, we are guided primarily by our own hearts — our love for them and our memories and knowledge of them. It is an action that while focused on the deceased is really for our own benefit. We need to know that they were sufficiently honored and that their memory will somehow live on through our actions.
For some of us, we cannot really let go until and unless we feel that the deceased has been appropriately honored. Whether this entails a Michael Jackson style memorial service extravaganza or a simple prayer is for each of us to discover. For many this is done through a traditional funeral and/or a memorial service or celebration. For others, it is the completion of an action that we know would have been important to the deceased — something that is our very own way of saying goodbye and that it mattered that this person lived. Here are some specific examples:
The point is that bearing witness to a deceased loved one is about doing whatever it takes for you to feel that you have done your part to preserve and honor his or her memory. Whether this is done in some form of private or public tribute, ritual or action, the point is that it allows you to feel complete with the person’s passing and to carry forward the treasures they brought into your life while letting go of them.
The reader who wrote last week wanted to bear witness to all that was good and kind and loving about his friend. Prior to self-destructing, overcome by the tragedies of his own life, the deceased had lived a full, good and blessed life, bringing joy and love to all he met. Yet, in death he was scorned and rejected by most of the people he had so loved in his life. I think that one of the most powerful ways that this reader can pay tribute to his friend is by forgiving those who turned away from the deceased and were unable to keep their love for him alive. With this reader’s permission, I am sharing this story with you. I invite you to share your ideas and inspirations about how this reader can best keep the memory of his dear friend alive and be at peace with his passing. I also invite you to share your own stories and ideas about how to bear witness to those we loved who have passed away.
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What One Change Would You Make in the World?
I’m sure I am not the only one who plays the game “if I were king or queen.” We all have ideas about how things shoulda, coulda, woulda been better if only the powers that be would do what we think they should. I’d like to share my personal favorite and invite you to share yours as well.
If I were queen, I would focus my efforts on what I think is the deepest tap root of so many of our social problems. It’s simply this: an awful lot of people are mentally and emotionally dysfunctional and, as a result, their lives are askew. They are inclined to generate a great deal of negativity into their own lives, relationships and the world we share.
I can argue that this is the way it is meant to be in the larger scheme of things — in the spiritual evolution of humanity. It’s their karma and all that. After all, we do seem to gain more wisdom through adversity — so this is indeed fertile ground. But, the businesswoman and visionary in me agree that we could yield a huge return on investment as a society in this area with very little effort. I think the cost of dramatically improving the mental health and emotional intelligence of people would be a mere pittance compared to the price we are currently paying for the consequences of its lack of further development.
Consider how much of our human capital is lost due to people being rendered less productive because they are stressed out. Many are consumed by worries over money, work and relationships. They are being pulled in too many directions at once or simply never having enough hours in the day to keep afloat. In the absence of sufficient mental health strategies and coping mechanisms, people tend to get swallowed up by stress. Many fall into a downward spiral that leads to addictions to drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, gambling, etc. to mask the feelings and situations with which they cannot cope. Add to this the number of people caught in the perils of poverty – many receiving inferior nutrition, education and life improvement opportunities who resign themselves to a hand-to-mouth existence of rage and hopelessness.
Now, just imagine if I were queen! What would it be like to live in a world where most people were clear-headed and had a sense of personal accountability and social responsibility? Envision a world with far less depression, stress, addiction, frustration and anger. Imagine if we actually made it a social priority to foster mental and emotional health as an investment in the quality of our individual and collective lives.
Couldn’t it be amazing if we actually taught our children how to think, rather than only what to think — if we taught them how to cooperate rather than just to compete where someone always has to be the loser. If I were queen, I would assist children in developing their mental and emotional health, rather than focusing on their coolness quotient. I would make it a priority to identify those who needed assistance and help them to create a strong sense of self worth, integrity, pride in their capabilities and dreams of a healthy and productive future.
If I were queen, I would remove the stigma and financial limitations from seeking mental and emotional assistance. I would make it normal to get help as needed and let people know they were smart to seek help. There would be sufficient creative and financial resources to fund programs to upgrade the state of mental and emotional health and human consciousness. There would be a greater value placed on integrity and human dignity which would serve as the fulcrum that delicately balances and unifies concerns regarding personal and collective well being.
If I were queen, I would establish a baseline of educational achievement in mental health and emotional intelligence that would be a normal and essential part of our education system. I would want people to understand the power of their minds and emotions and how to use them effectively. For example, I would foster understanding of the new field of biology called epigenetics that explores how our consciousness controls our health, well being, and even our DNA. I would want people to understand that their beliefs magnetically and selectively attract what is compatible with their thinking into their lives — that we quite literally create, promote and allow what is in our lives. Thus, if we do what we have always done, we continue to attract and create what we have always attracted and created in the past. It’s like planting seeds — you don’t grow roses from sunflower seeds.
It is easy to see why those in positions of power in our world, countries and personal lives might want us to stay as dysfunctional as we are to support them in maintaining their power bases — but I don’t see much wisdom in that choice. I simply can’t help but wonder what kind of wonderful world we could create if we truly supported the idea of mental and emotional health and well-being for all people. If we were empowered to create and maintain healthy inner environments, what would be the likely impact on our outer environments, personal relationships, social interactions and productivity?
Ahhh, if only I were queen! So, until my coronation, consider this: each of us is king or queen of our own little world and we get to decide what to create, promote or allow in our personal kingdoms. So, here are my questions for you:
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Love with a Capital ‘L’: Recognizing the Divine Through Another
Many believe that the highest expression and experience we can attain in life is to love one another. Yet love is highly misunderstood. There is great confusion about the causation of love and the ways in which we are one and those that separate us.
When we “fall in love” with someone, it is often experienced as an instant affection for them — almost a chemical occurrence. One minute it didn’t exist, and the next it seems to exist more than anything else. It is delicious and we want more, so we focus more and more of our attention on this one person and want them to do more and more of whatever we think caused us to have this experience. What we commonly refer to as “love,” whether as lovers, parent and child, or friends, is really a very spiritual experience that we mistakenly delimit to our relationship with the person with whom we are having this experience. In fact, love is the human experience of the divine. As John-Roger explains it:
When this kind of love is experienced between two people, four things are happening simultaneously. Each is choosing to give love to the other, and each is choosing to receive love from the other. We are both open to the flow of giving and receiving love. At its best, when none of these four actions is blocked by self-imposed limitations, whether with one’s partner or a total stranger, there is a transcendent experience into a oneness that is beyond earthly concerns. Consider the awe when a parent first looks into the eyes of his or her newborn child, or when in “Avatar” the Na’vi say, “I see you,” meaning, “I see the god in you.”
When we don’t realize that love is a recognition of the divine through another, we falsely attribute the source of love simply to that person. We might fixate on wanting more of that person when in fact what we really want is more experiences of transcendence, of God. Attributing the source of love to the other person is simply a misunderstanding of the causation. When we limit ourselves to looking only for romantic love, we miss the point.
Building upon that misunderstanding of the true nature of love, we zero in on that one person and attempt to stimulate those loving feelings. We develop a conscious and often unconscious agenda of wanting them to behave in ways that we believe are the cause of our transcendent experience. When we take this path, our love often becomes exclusionary and conditioned by our personal preferences and prejudices. Our love flows exclusively with this person but not with others, and we tend to trap each other in a web of expectations. When we look for love on websites, we want our prospective partner to be of a certain age, to have a certain body type and to share our likes and dislikes — all the things that we think will bring us to that transcendent experience. We think that if they are a match, they will be capable of igniting those feelings in us.
Truly loving another person with a capital “L” is a matter of freeing the other person of the responsibility to express his or her love for us only in the ways that we want to receive it. When we truly love, we get out of our own way by dropping all the concerns of our ego and allowing the pure radiance of the divine to shine through us to another. When the other person does that as well, the result is a pure and blissful experience of our own divinity reflected through another into a shared oneness.
I think we should all strive to be ambassadors of love with a capital “L” with as many people as possible, through our willingness to smile at a complete stranger as an offer of momentary transcendence as we pass each other by on the street; by calling to be of service to a friend who is facing a difficult time; and by choosing to sacrifice our petty judgments, expectations and any other ways that we have learned to withhold our loving kindness from others each day. It is a practice of becoming a safe and neutral place in which both our humanity and our divinity can dwell. It is through these actions that the place inside us that is loving awakens.
Perhaps this is truly what is meant in Matthew 18:20: “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” We experience God’s presence in the context of our everyday relationships with others. It is a reflective process. When we delight in another, what is actually happening is we are having a pure experience of oneness that transcends all our judgments and our demands that another person be how we want them to be. We have raised our consciousness up above earthly considerations, and that is indeed a divine experience.
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