I’m sure I am not the only one who plays the game “if I were king or queen.” We all have ideas about how things shoulda, coulda, woulda been better if only the powers that be would do what we think they should. I’d like to share my personal favorite and invite you to share yours as well.

If I were queen, I would focus my efforts on what I think is the deepest tap root of so many of our social problems. It’s simply this: an awful lot of people are mentally and emotionally dysfunctional and, as a result, their lives are askew. They are inclined to generate a great deal of negativity into their own lives, relationships and the world we share.

I can argue that this is the way it is meant to be in the larger scheme of things — in the spiritual evolution of humanity. It’s their karma and all that. After all, we do seem to gain more wisdom through adversity — so this is indeed fertile ground. But, the businesswoman and visionary in me agree that we could yield a huge return on investment as a society in this area with very little effort. I think the cost of dramatically improving the mental health and emotional intelligence of people would be a mere pittance compared to the price we are currently paying for the consequences of its lack of further development.

Consider how much of our human capital is lost due to people being rendered less productive because they are stressed out. Many are consumed by worries over money, work and relationships. They are being pulled in too many directions at once or simply never having enough hours in the day to keep afloat. In the absence of sufficient mental health strategies and coping mechanisms, people tend to get swallowed up by stress. Many fall into a downward spiral that leads to addictions to drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, gambling, etc. to mask the feelings and situations with which they cannot cope. Add to this the number of people caught in the perils of poverty – many receiving inferior nutrition, education and life improvement opportunities who resign themselves to a hand-to-mouth existence of rage and hopelessness.

Now, just imagine if I were queen! What would it be like to live in a world where most people were clear-headed and had a sense of personal accountability and social responsibility? Envision a world with far less depression, stress, addiction, frustration and anger. Imagine if we actually made it a social priority to foster mental and emotional health as an investment in the quality of our individual and collective lives.

Couldn’t it be amazing if we actually taught our children how to think, rather than only what to think — if we taught them how to cooperate rather than just to compete where someone always has to be the loser. If I were queen, I would assist children in developing their mental and emotional health, rather than focusing on their coolness quotient. I would make it a priority to identify those who needed assistance and help them to create a strong sense of self worth, integrity, pride in their capabilities and dreams of a healthy and productive future.

If I were queen, I would remove the stigma and financial limitations from seeking mental and emotional assistance. I would make it normal to get help as needed and let people know they were smart to seek help. There would be sufficient creative and financial resources to fund programs to upgrade the state of mental and emotional health and human consciousness. There would be a greater value placed on integrity and human dignity which would serve as the fulcrum that delicately balances and unifies concerns regarding personal and collective well being.

If I were queen, I would establish a baseline of educational achievement in mental health and emotional intelligence that would be a normal and essential part of our education system. I would want people to understand the power of their minds and emotions and how to use them effectively. For example, I would foster understanding of the new field of biology called epigenetics that explores how our consciousness controls our health, well being, and even our DNA. I would want people to understand that their beliefs magnetically and selectively attract what is compatible with their thinking into their lives — that we quite literally create, promote and allow what is in our lives. Thus, if we do what we have always done, we continue to attract and create what we have always attracted and created in the past. It’s like planting seeds — you don’t grow roses from sunflower seeds.

It is easy to see why those in positions of power in our world, countries and personal lives might want us to stay as dysfunctional as we are to support them in maintaining their power bases — but I don’t see much wisdom in that choice. I simply can’t help but wonder what kind of wonderful world we could create if we truly supported the idea of mental and emotional health and well-being for all people. If we were empowered to create and maintain healthy inner environments, what would be the likely impact on our outer environments, personal relationships, social interactions and productivity?

Ahhh, if only I were queen! So, until my coronation, consider this: each of us is king or queen of our own little world and we get to decide what to create, promote or allow in our personal kingdoms. So, here are my questions for you:

• What are you creating, promoting or allowing in your kingdom?
• If you were king or queen of the world and could make one change, what would you choose and why?
• What do you think of my choice to change mental and emotional health?
• Was there anything in this post that you would like me to expand upon?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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We observe something when we become aware of it. We acknowledge “this is so.” We judge when we form an opinion, as in “I think this about that.” Observation is a neutral act of taking in information upon which we base our responses. Judgment involves rendering an opinion regarding the relative value or merit of what is being observed. We get into dicey territory when we start judging each other for three reasons:

• As self-appointed judges, we separate ourselves from the other person. Blinded by our own judgment, we label them with our verdicts. Seeing only with our minds, we shut our hearts to them. As Mother Teresa said, “if you judge people, you have no time to love them.” And, as Carl Jung said, “we should not pretend to understand the world only by the intellect. The judgment of the intellect is only part of the truth.”
• Judgments are proclamations of polarized thinking and whether or not others buy into our judgments, we usually become vested in them. We often confuse our judgments with reality as in “my mind is made up, don’t confuse me with the facts.”
• It is important to remember that we are limited in our understanding of another person’s life by our own range of experience. As the proverb goes, “don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.”

I had an experience recently that inspired this article. I was with a group of people and found myself rather ill at ease. The person who seemed to be setting the tone of the gathering repeatedly made choices other than those that would have been my preference. Suddenly, I became aware of how I was not simply observing this, but was making her wrong in the theater of my mind and essentially blaming her for my sense of separation. Everything was her fault from my point of view.

As I became increasingly irritated, I finally had the awareness that I was the one who was creating my sense of separation and justifying it with my judgments of this woman. This understanding opened up new possibilities for me. I began to pay closer attention to my judgments and each time I caught myself in the act, I quickly rephrased my judgment into a neutral statement of personal preference inside my mind. Energetically, this meant I was not making her wrong, but simply noticing that I was experiencing irritation by comparing her choice to my own preference. I did all that in my mind.

It then occurred to me that I was creating disharmony within myself and had the option of choosing to be more loving and peaceful instead. So, I started making that choice. Instead of seeing only what irritated me, I looked more deeply and was able to see the goodness in this woman as well. Before I knew it, I had shifted my attention to where it belonged — to affirming my intention of being more loving and peaceful and finding ways to do that rather than separating myself through my judgments. Soon, I was focusing on how grateful I was for this lesson in the distinction between observation and judgment.

Then, as I was leaving, this woman extended a kindness to me that reminded me that there are many ways to express our loving and it behooves us to be open to them all, rather than judging and rejecting those that do not resemble our own way of doing things. As Carl Jung said, “everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

Sometimes we meet people who simply do not know how else to relate to us than through judgment. Some behave this way with all people, others with only certain people as though they are allergic to them. I have experienced this with a relative who has disapproved of me all my life. As a child, I always felt rejected by her, and, as children do, I stood on my head trying to get her approval. I also fell into the trap of judging her in response to her criticisms of me.

As I matured, I tried to reason with her in an attempt to heal our relationship, but she was not interested in that. In time, I became aware of the fact that her judgment of me not only affected our relationship, but it colored all relationships in our family. Finally, I saw that there were always three people in the room when we were together — me, her and the figment of her imagination that she called by my name. That awareness became my path to freedom. I realized that she was as trapped in her judgment of me as I was. The difference was that I could get out of it and she was not yet able to do so.

As a grown woman, I finally saw that our relationship was a clear manifestation of Einstein’s definition of insanity — “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” My liberation came when I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. Recognizing that her judgment of me was none of my business, but that my own well-being was my responsibility, I chose to end all contact with her. As a result, my life is far more peaceful. When I think of her now, I do not allow myself to judge her. I pray for her and wish her well from afar while going about my own business of holding myself accountable for my inner and outer life and for my contribution to the quality of the relationships in my life.

We can never judge the lives of others,
because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.
It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path,
but it’s another to think that yours is the only path.
(Paulo Coelho)

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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“He gives little who gives with a frown;
he gives much who gives little with a smile.”
–The Talmud

Coming out of the holiday season, I’ve heard many stories from friends and clients about giving and receiving gifts. One significant lesson I learned is the importance of taking personal responsibility for your own happiness — or lack thereof — in the gift giving arena. When we place our material and/or emotional happiness in the hands of others who may or may not be willing or able to deliver, we put ourselves in a very precarious position.

Some married women (who are not gold-diggers) share a common concern despite their best efforts to explain their point of view to their partners. Their stories boil down to the fact that they really want to receive thoughtful gifts from their partners who profess to either not want to be bothered or dismiss gift-giving as commercialism. Some of these partners, in an effort to do the bare minimum, will run out to the store at the last minute and grab something with little attention to her particular likes and dislikes — i.e. they go through the motions, but their hearts are not in it. Yet, these same men enjoy receiving and using the thoughtful gifts they receive. In the meantime, these women come up with some very interesting and sometimes not-so-nice ways of handling their disappointment.

One friend told me that on her first Christmas with her husband, they lavished each other with gifts. Then, her birthday came two months later, and she looked forward to what he would do to acknowledge her day. Nothing. No “Happy birthday, honey.” No card. No flowers. No presents. She was deeply hurt and red-hot angry. The next day, she went to a jeweler, picked out a necklace, called her husband from the store and announced that she had just found his birthday present to her and handed the phone to the store clerk to get his credit card information. Most women will make their partners pay one way or another, reasoning, “Why should I give you what you want when you obviously don’t care what I want?”

I’ve spoken to a few men about this. I am struck by what seems to be a common posture of not wanting to be forced to do something they don’t want to do. Some of them, more specifically, are reluctant to let a woman tell them what to do.

Not all women feel the same about giving and receiving gifts. However, if you are a man in a relationship with a woman who would be disappointed and hurt if you didn’t give her a thoughtful gift, you might want to reframe your perspective on the situation. This is more about listening to what the woman you love is telling you about what’s important to her and how she would like you to demonstrate your love than it is about her telling you what to do. If you give a woman red roses and later find out that she prefers white lilies, next time give her white lilies — not because she is telling you what to do, but because she is telling you how to put a smile on her face. You might say, “She knows I love her.” That is not the point. She needs to know that you are willing to make a fuss over her — to demonstrate your love for her in a way that is meaningful to her. Whether you are giving her a diamond necklace or a teddy bear, it really is the thought that counts. So, guys, Valentine’s Day is coming — see if you can find a way to come at it from your loving and caring for your woman rather than from resentment or obligation.

Now, let’s talk about female friends who are on unequal footing in the gift-giving department. First of all, don’t be too quick to judge a friend who misses the mark. I have a dear friend who prides herself on how thoughtful she is in selecting the gifts she gives, yet I have rarely received anything from her that I have kept and usually have a difficult time finding sincere words to thank her. I have tried a number of times to steer her in the right direction or to suggest we make donations in each other’s name instead of gifts, but insists. She is making an effort, just missing the mark. Not wanting to offend her, I thank her, and then off to Goodwill the gifts go. While it is really great to get something you like, it is the thought that counts.

Then there are the friends who re-gift things they do not want or give generic, cheap gifts — like a candle from the drug store. The whole point of giving is to express your fondness for another person — to let them know you love them and consider yourself blessed to have them in your life. Don’t insult your friends with meaningless presents. Take the time to show you care, and give them something that will be meaningful to them. If you aren’t good at gift giving, find someone who is, and ask them to teach you.

“The manner of giving is worth more than the gift.” –Pierre Corneille

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