I’m sure I am not the only one who plays the game “if I were king or queen.” We all have ideas about how things shoulda, coulda, woulda been better if only the powers that be would do what we think they should. I’d like to share my personal favorite and invite you to share yours as well.
If I were queen, I would focus my efforts on what I think is the deepest tap root of so many of our social problems. It’s simply this: an awful lot of people are mentally and emotionally dysfunctional and, as a result, their lives are askew. They are inclined to generate a great deal of negativity into their own lives, relationships and the world we share.
I can argue that this is the way it is meant to be in the larger scheme of things — in the spiritual evolution of humanity. It’s their karma and all that. After all, we do seem to gain more wisdom through adversity — so this is indeed fertile ground. But, the businesswoman and visionary in me agree that we could yield a huge return on investment as a society in this area with very little effort. I think the cost of dramatically improving the mental health and emotional intelligence of people would be a mere pittance compared to the price we are currently paying for the consequences of its lack of further development.
Consider how much of our human capital is lost due to people being rendered less productive because they are stressed out. Many are consumed by worries over money, work and relationships. They are being pulled in too many directions at once or simply never having enough hours in the day to keep afloat. In the absence of sufficient mental health strategies and coping mechanisms, people tend to get swallowed up by stress. Many fall into a downward spiral that leads to addictions to drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, gambling, etc. to mask the feelings and situations with which they cannot cope. Add to this the number of people caught in the perils of poverty – many receiving inferior nutrition, education and life improvement opportunities who resign themselves to a hand-to-mouth existence of rage and hopelessness.
Now, just imagine if I were queen! What would it be like to live in a world where most people were clear-headed and had a sense of personal accountability and social responsibility? Envision a world with far less depression, stress, addiction, frustration and anger. Imagine if we actually made it a social priority to foster mental and emotional health as an investment in the quality of our individual and collective lives.
Couldn’t it be amazing if we actually taught our children how to think, rather than only what to think — if we taught them how to cooperate rather than just to compete where someone always has to be the loser. If I were queen, I would assist children in developing their mental and emotional health, rather than focusing on their coolness quotient. I would make it a priority to identify those who needed assistance and help them to create a strong sense of self worth, integrity, pride in their capabilities and dreams of a healthy and productive future.
If I were queen, I would remove the stigma and financial limitations from seeking mental and emotional assistance. I would make it normal to get help as needed and let people know they were smart to seek help. There would be sufficient creative and financial resources to fund programs to upgrade the state of mental and emotional health and human consciousness. There would be a greater value placed on integrity and human dignity which would serve as the fulcrum that delicately balances and unifies concerns regarding personal and collective well being.
If I were queen, I would establish a baseline of educational achievement in mental health and emotional intelligence that would be a normal and essential part of our education system. I would want people to understand the power of their minds and emotions and how to use them effectively. For example, I would foster understanding of the new field of biology called epigenetics that explores how our consciousness controls our health, well being, and even our DNA. I would want people to understand that their beliefs magnetically and selectively attract what is compatible with their thinking into their lives — that we quite literally create, promote and allow what is in our lives. Thus, if we do what we have always done, we continue to attract and create what we have always attracted and created in the past. It’s like planting seeds — you don’t grow roses from sunflower seeds.
It is easy to see why those in positions of power in our world, countries and personal lives might want us to stay as dysfunctional as we are to support them in maintaining their power bases — but I don’t see much wisdom in that choice. I simply can’t help but wonder what kind of wonderful world we could create if we truly supported the idea of mental and emotional health and well-being for all people. If we were empowered to create and maintain healthy inner environments, what would be the likely impact on our outer environments, personal relationships, social interactions and productivity?
Ahhh, if only I were queen! So, until my coronation, consider this: each of us is king or queen of our own little world and we get to decide what to create, promote or allow in our personal kingdoms. So, here are my questions for you:
- What are you creating, promoting or allowing in your kingdom?
- If you were king or queen of the world and could make one change, what would you choose and why?
- What do you think of my choice to change mental and emotional health?
- Was there anything in this post that you would like me to expand upon?
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
6 Ways To Talk About Death And Dying
In response to my 8/9/10 post entitled “The Importance of End of Life Preparation,” Valencie Bathe wrote:
Here are several suggestions for how to have this very important conversation with those you love.
1. Talk to yourself first. No matter how uncomfortable you are with the reality of death, make a commitment to yourself to face your fears. Desensitize yourself to your fears – look at them one by one and choose to move past them. For some, this takes more courage than for others. If you find you are unable to make progress with this, consider seeking help from clergy, family, friends, or a counselor. Like entering the ocean, some of us dive in head first while others take forever adjusting to the rising level of the water against our body. Don’t allow yourself to abandon the process just because it is hard for you. Know that the liberation you will achieve will be well worth any discomfort you go through.
2. Figure out what you think and feel about death and dying. Ask yourself some deep questions about your beliefs and values like the ones presented in last week’s blog. Then take the next step of figuring out how that translates in general terms into your own end of life care, the disposition of your body, what kind of end of life ritual would be right for you and what is important to you about how your personal possessions and wealth are distributed after your death.
3. Trust your own judgment about whether to legalize your wishes before or after talking with your loved ones. Some of us are painfully private people and really don’t want to talk about and explore beliefs about death and dying with other people. That’s just fine. However, your loved ones may have different needs and it is important to find a way to support each other. If you can’t talk about it — at a minimum document your personal preferences.
4. Don’t wait until you are dying to talk about death and dying. Invite conversation on this topic with the goal of making it more normal to talk about such things.
5. Create an emotionally safe space for exploring and sharing thoughts about death with your loved ones. This is not about convincing one another that you have a superior point of view. Rather, it is essential that we learn to deeply honor each other’s right to have a different point of view – not better or worse than ours, simply different. Cultivate a spaciousness in your mind that invites dialogue. Otherwise, others will clam up around you and you will never really know what matters to them. Demonstrate your love by bearing witness to their truth. Seek to really hear each other and to respect one another’s right to their own personal truth. When adult loved ones talk to each other about death it can be especially hard if they have spent many years being silenced by our society’s taboo against the subject. It can be awkward and disturbing for some. Someone needs to be brave and set the right tone.
Parents of young children can do a great service by teaching them about death as a normal part of life. (See my 6/28/10 post:12 Ways to Help Children Understand Death.) Each family’s circumstances and situation is different, and it is up to parents to be sensitive in choosing an appropriate time to broach the subject. Ideally, this is done in the normal everyday course of life rather than within the context of grieving. I am a big fan of regular family meetings to provide a forum for families to build their connections to one another – to clear the air when necessary and to discuss matters that affect their mutual well-being.
6. Take it one step at a time and be honest with yourself and your loved ones. If you are scared, say so. That’s perfectly fine and natural. Just allow yourselves to be honest about your present state with regards to death and start there. You might want to try the following steps, knowing that the process may well take several conversations:
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
The Power of Bearing Witness
There are times in life when the highest honor, the greatest love is paid to another by simply bearing witness to his or her experience. Bearing witness is largely nonverbal. It is the choice to give the gift of a pure expression of love and respect — being a compassionate observer to the unfolding of another person’s life or a particular moment or event. In a really good marriage, two people bear witness to the fullness of one another’s life experiences — in good times and bad.
When we bear witness, we lovingly give our attention to the other without judgment. We comfort without smothering. We play a supporting role — powerfully upholding the other starring in his or her life. It is not about us. It is about them. Yet, we make a profound decision when we do not try to fix their pain and suffering or share in their experience by telling how we had a similar experience. Bearing witness says, “You are not alone. I see you. I witness what you are experiencing. What you are experiencing matters to me. I surround you with my love.”
As a life coach and grief counselor, one of the primary things I do for my clients is to simply provide a safe space for them to speak their truth — to reveal what they think and feel about their own life. So much of our lives are spent with hidden truths because there is no time or because we don’t want to be a burden or to be judged, or do not feel safe to share. So, we keep our truth to ourselves and often feel very alone as a result. When we allow another to bear witness to us, we give ourselves the freedom to be known. Somehow, it’s like having your passport stamped to say that you went to this country or that. Having someone bear witness to your reality behind all the social masks we wear is a profound form of validation.
When someone we love is hurting or dying, it is easy to feel helpless and to want to somehow end the suffering by fixing the situation. Alternatively, some of us unload our own fears, telling the one whose suffering has provoked our fears how upset and afraid we are about what is happening to them. This can cause added stress and put them in the position of trying to comfort us when they are the ones in need of our comfort. These are often the times that call us to a higher response — to simply bear witness to another person’s life journey — not to engage in it, but to stand beside them in loving support. The focus is not to make the pain go away, but rather to let that person know that they are not alone and that we trust them to do whatever it is they need to do to go through that particular experience. Sometimes, this is best done in silence.
One of the very best examples I have ever seen of the profound support we can offer to each other through bearing witness is the final chapter of “Not Like My Mother” by Irene Tomkinson. I had the privilege of meeting Irene this past weekend and having her read this chapter to me. It shares the inner experience of a mother sitting beside her daughter in a doctor’s waiting room. The daughter has come to have a clinical abortion of the deceased fetus in her womb.
I am currently in the process of bearing witness to my dear friend Roy who had colon cancer surgery about a year ago and has been under hospice care ever since. He has been one of my greatest teachers of the wisdom of life. He doesn’t judge others for making choices that he wouldn’t make. He simply says, “it’s different.” He doesn’t seem to judge his failing health either. He is going along for the ride in full cooperation. I visit Roy once or twice a week and at first I kept trying to figure out what my role was. Other than his family, caregivers and hospice team, I think I am his only visitor. I became aware of the fact that I was ill at ease at first — I didn’t know what to do. I tried too hard to put a smile on his face, to share memories with him, to entertain him. It was a relief for me when he wanted me to read to him because at least I had something specific and tangible I could do. Eventually, I learned how to just be with him. The act of showing up, looking in his eyes and stroking his head or holding his hand is how I bear witness to him. Sometimes I just sit and silently pray for him while he sleeps. I think that is the best thing I can do for him. I learned to get myself out of the way. I am bearing witness to the end of his life. Sometimes just showing up says it all.
For those of you who struggle with going to see a sick or dying friend or relative because you just don’t know what to say or do, try just showing up and bearing witness. Often, it is our own discomfort and the feeling of helplessness that we are avoiding by not going into these situations. Sometimes we forget that our job is not to fix the situation at hand, but rather to help lift the burden of the other person by letting them know we care enough to show up. In good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, it is important that we show up for each other.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
Honoring the Memory of a Deceased Loved One
This post was inspired by an email I received from a reader regarding last week’s blog, “The Power of Bearing Witness.” He wanted to know how to bear witness to a friend who had died. When bearing witness to the living, it is essential to take our cues from them. However, when bearing witness to the deceased, we are guided primarily by our own hearts — our love for them and our memories and knowledge of them. It is an action that while focused on the deceased is really for our own benefit. We need to know that they were sufficiently honored and that their memory will somehow live on through our actions.
For some of us, we cannot really let go until and unless we feel that the deceased has been appropriately honored. Whether this entails a Michael Jackson style memorial service extravaganza or a simple prayer is for each of us to discover. For many this is done through a traditional funeral and/or a memorial service or celebration. For others, it is the completion of an action that we know would have been important to the deceased — something that is our very own way of saying goodbye and that it mattered that this person lived. Here are some specific examples:
The point is that bearing witness to a deceased loved one is about doing whatever it takes for you to feel that you have done your part to preserve and honor his or her memory. Whether this is done in some form of private or public tribute, ritual or action, the point is that it allows you to feel complete with the person’s passing and to carry forward the treasures they brought into your life while letting go of them.
The reader who wrote last week wanted to bear witness to all that was good and kind and loving about his friend. Prior to self-destructing, overcome by the tragedies of his own life, the deceased had lived a full, good and blessed life, bringing joy and love to all he met. Yet, in death he was scorned and rejected by most of the people he had so loved in his life. I think that one of the most powerful ways that this reader can pay tribute to his friend is by forgiving those who turned away from the deceased and were unable to keep their love for him alive. With this reader’s permission, I am sharing this story with you. I invite you to share your ideas and inspirations about how this reader can best keep the memory of his dear friend alive and be at peace with his passing. I also invite you to share your own stories and ideas about how to bear witness to those we loved who have passed away.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
What One Change Would You Make in the World?
I’m sure I am not the only one who plays the game “if I were king or queen.” We all have ideas about how things shoulda, coulda, woulda been better if only the powers that be would do what we think they should. I’d like to share my personal favorite and invite you to share yours as well.
If I were queen, I would focus my efforts on what I think is the deepest tap root of so many of our social problems. It’s simply this: an awful lot of people are mentally and emotionally dysfunctional and, as a result, their lives are askew. They are inclined to generate a great deal of negativity into their own lives, relationships and the world we share.
I can argue that this is the way it is meant to be in the larger scheme of things — in the spiritual evolution of humanity. It’s their karma and all that. After all, we do seem to gain more wisdom through adversity — so this is indeed fertile ground. But, the businesswoman and visionary in me agree that we could yield a huge return on investment as a society in this area with very little effort. I think the cost of dramatically improving the mental health and emotional intelligence of people would be a mere pittance compared to the price we are currently paying for the consequences of its lack of further development.
Consider how much of our human capital is lost due to people being rendered less productive because they are stressed out. Many are consumed by worries over money, work and relationships. They are being pulled in too many directions at once or simply never having enough hours in the day to keep afloat. In the absence of sufficient mental health strategies and coping mechanisms, people tend to get swallowed up by stress. Many fall into a downward spiral that leads to addictions to drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, gambling, etc. to mask the feelings and situations with which they cannot cope. Add to this the number of people caught in the perils of poverty – many receiving inferior nutrition, education and life improvement opportunities who resign themselves to a hand-to-mouth existence of rage and hopelessness.
Now, just imagine if I were queen! What would it be like to live in a world where most people were clear-headed and had a sense of personal accountability and social responsibility? Envision a world with far less depression, stress, addiction, frustration and anger. Imagine if we actually made it a social priority to foster mental and emotional health as an investment in the quality of our individual and collective lives.
Couldn’t it be amazing if we actually taught our children how to think, rather than only what to think — if we taught them how to cooperate rather than just to compete where someone always has to be the loser. If I were queen, I would assist children in developing their mental and emotional health, rather than focusing on their coolness quotient. I would make it a priority to identify those who needed assistance and help them to create a strong sense of self worth, integrity, pride in their capabilities and dreams of a healthy and productive future.
If I were queen, I would remove the stigma and financial limitations from seeking mental and emotional assistance. I would make it normal to get help as needed and let people know they were smart to seek help. There would be sufficient creative and financial resources to fund programs to upgrade the state of mental and emotional health and human consciousness. There would be a greater value placed on integrity and human dignity which would serve as the fulcrum that delicately balances and unifies concerns regarding personal and collective well being.
If I were queen, I would establish a baseline of educational achievement in mental health and emotional intelligence that would be a normal and essential part of our education system. I would want people to understand the power of their minds and emotions and how to use them effectively. For example, I would foster understanding of the new field of biology called epigenetics that explores how our consciousness controls our health, well being, and even our DNA. I would want people to understand that their beliefs magnetically and selectively attract what is compatible with their thinking into their lives — that we quite literally create, promote and allow what is in our lives. Thus, if we do what we have always done, we continue to attract and create what we have always attracted and created in the past. It’s like planting seeds — you don’t grow roses from sunflower seeds.
It is easy to see why those in positions of power in our world, countries and personal lives might want us to stay as dysfunctional as we are to support them in maintaining their power bases — but I don’t see much wisdom in that choice. I simply can’t help but wonder what kind of wonderful world we could create if we truly supported the idea of mental and emotional health and well-being for all people. If we were empowered to create and maintain healthy inner environments, what would be the likely impact on our outer environments, personal relationships, social interactions and productivity?
Ahhh, if only I were queen! So, until my coronation, consider this: each of us is king or queen of our own little world and we get to decide what to create, promote or allow in our personal kingdoms. So, here are my questions for you:
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
Love with a Capital ‘L’: Recognizing the Divine Through Another
Many believe that the highest expression and experience we can attain in life is to love one another. Yet love is highly misunderstood. There is great confusion about the causation of love and the ways in which we are one and those that separate us.
When we “fall in love” with someone, it is often experienced as an instant affection for them — almost a chemical occurrence. One minute it didn’t exist, and the next it seems to exist more than anything else. It is delicious and we want more, so we focus more and more of our attention on this one person and want them to do more and more of whatever we think caused us to have this experience. What we commonly refer to as “love,” whether as lovers, parent and child, or friends, is really a very spiritual experience that we mistakenly delimit to our relationship with the person with whom we are having this experience. In fact, love is the human experience of the divine. As John-Roger explains it:
When this kind of love is experienced between two people, four things are happening simultaneously. Each is choosing to give love to the other, and each is choosing to receive love from the other. We are both open to the flow of giving and receiving love. At its best, when none of these four actions is blocked by self-imposed limitations, whether with one’s partner or a total stranger, there is a transcendent experience into a oneness that is beyond earthly concerns. Consider the awe when a parent first looks into the eyes of his or her newborn child, or when in “Avatar” the Na’vi say, “I see you,” meaning, “I see the god in you.”
When we don’t realize that love is a recognition of the divine through another, we falsely attribute the source of love simply to that person. We might fixate on wanting more of that person when in fact what we really want is more experiences of transcendence, of God. Attributing the source of love to the other person is simply a misunderstanding of the causation. When we limit ourselves to looking only for romantic love, we miss the point.
Building upon that misunderstanding of the true nature of love, we zero in on that one person and attempt to stimulate those loving feelings. We develop a conscious and often unconscious agenda of wanting them to behave in ways that we believe are the cause of our transcendent experience. When we take this path, our love often becomes exclusionary and conditioned by our personal preferences and prejudices. Our love flows exclusively with this person but not with others, and we tend to trap each other in a web of expectations. When we look for love on websites, we want our prospective partner to be of a certain age, to have a certain body type and to share our likes and dislikes — all the things that we think will bring us to that transcendent experience. We think that if they are a match, they will be capable of igniting those feelings in us.
Truly loving another person with a capital “L” is a matter of freeing the other person of the responsibility to express his or her love for us only in the ways that we want to receive it. When we truly love, we get out of our own way by dropping all the concerns of our ego and allowing the pure radiance of the divine to shine through us to another. When the other person does that as well, the result is a pure and blissful experience of our own divinity reflected through another into a shared oneness.
I think we should all strive to be ambassadors of love with a capital “L” with as many people as possible, through our willingness to smile at a complete stranger as an offer of momentary transcendence as we pass each other by on the street; by calling to be of service to a friend who is facing a difficult time; and by choosing to sacrifice our petty judgments, expectations and any other ways that we have learned to withhold our loving kindness from others each day. It is a practice of becoming a safe and neutral place in which both our humanity and our divinity can dwell. It is through these actions that the place inside us that is loving awakens.
Perhaps this is truly what is meant in Matthew 18:20: “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” We experience God’s presence in the context of our everyday relationships with others. It is a reflective process. When we delight in another, what is actually happening is we are having a pure experience of oneness that transcends all our judgments and our demands that another person be how we want them to be. We have raised our consciousness up above earthly considerations, and that is indeed a divine experience.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
Facing the Holidays When You’ve Lost a Loved One
If you have recently lost a loved one with whom you would otherwise be sharing this holiday season, you might be finding yourself wanting to burrow under your covers with a box of tissues until the holidays have passed. If this sounds like you, it’s time for some T.L.C. I don’t believe we should ever push down our emotions, though social conventions might make it advisable to develop strategies for dealing with these challenges privately or having a dear and trusted friend bear witness to what we are feeling. Remember that even at their best, holidays can be stressful. So, make taking thoughtful and loving care of yourself your number-one priority for the holidays.
Until 2006, I spent every Christmas except one with my mother. We shared a home for the last nine years of her life. For the past four Christmases, I have been adrift, unable to decorate my house for the holidays and spending Christmas like a peripheral, orphaned outsider to other people’s ways of spending the holiday. This year, I am finally ready to create Christmas on my own terms — just for me.
I have worked hard to develop the ability to pay attention to my own truth, and this year I am ready to give myself a beautiful Christmas. I am profoundly aware of the fact that part of not having my own Christmas these past four years has been because I was telling myself it didn’t matter because I had no one to make a fuss over. Then I had the tearful realization that I really need to make a fuss over myself this year. So, I am joyfully decorating my house with garlands, lights, wreaths, candles, angels and stars and plan to get a real Christmas tree, hoping that it survives my cats’ first Christmas. I am buying myself lots of presents, too, and signing the tags from all different people who have loved me and enriched my life. My heart is full and open again, and it simply took as long as it took.
Here are my suggestions for how to honor your own process of regaining an inner balance with the holidays.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
More About Carrying Your Grief Through the Holidays
Last week’s article, “Facing The Holidays When You Have Lost a Loved One” seems to have struck a nerve. So, I’d like to go more deeply into this topic this week. While grief is an exquisitely private matter, in order to move on, most of us need someone to bear witness to our truth in grieving. Too many people silently suffer with their grief, while putting on fake happy faces for those they love. Ironically, this usually serves no one. It not only prevents loved ones from knowing that you are suffering, but it deprives you of the comfort others might offer. If this sounds familiar, I am not suggesting you unload the depth of your grief on your loved ones, but denying your own suffering is not the answer either.
I needed help with my grieving and was lucky to find that our local hospice offers free grief counseling to those who have lost a loved one for the first eleven months after the death. It wasn’t that I needed someone to advise me about what to do, but rather that I needed someone I could tell my truth to — the good, the bad and the ugly. I needed someone to bear witness to me, stripped naked of all pretense moving through one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I needed someone to do that without judging and rejecting me or telling me that I should do this or that or the other thing — I needed someone’s compassion. I needed another human heart to know and to care about me and about what I was experiencing. For me, that didn’t need to be a loved one. It was easier to share my truth with a professional stranger.
Another source of support came to me from religious and spiritual teachings. As an ecumenical minister, I do not espouse any particular religious tradition, but have drawn great comfort from many different traditions. For example, I was raised Christian, and have often called upon the phrase “I caste my burdens on the Christ within and I go free” to help me through those experiences I don’t seem to be able to bear alone. (If the word “Christ” doesn’t work for you — substitute another word or reference point that does.) This action reminds me that I have resources that I often forget to draw upon. By opening to the presence of the divine, I can often surrender to that which is beyond my ability to understand or cope.
Buddhist teachings have also informed my understanding of life and death. They have helped me to see death not as a moment, but as an ever present process of transformation in the life of every sentient being. Each word or sentence I write is born and passes on. Its life continues only when it touches the hearts and minds of others. Similarly, each moment of our lives, each day, each meal, each relationship, each flower is born, lives and eventually dies — except in our memories.
Last week, one reader emailed me about how she and her daughters have found a way to bring the joy back into Christmas after her husband and their father died unexpectedly a year and a half ago. She wrote that as they headed into the holidays last year and again this year, they didn’t feel like celebrating and found no happiness in the idea of buying each other gifts that none of them needed. So, they decided to create a new family tradition and chose to anonymously find a local family in need through a social service agency and help give them a happy holiday. Having the chance to help families going through some very hard times has brightened their own holidays and, as she wrote,
I think the process of grieving, particularly during the holiday season, eventually brings us to the realization that it is a matter of personal choice to either die inside from our grief or to lift our hearts up in gratitude for having loved someone so deeply — for having been blessed by his or her presence in our lives.
So many people try to avoid grieving and attempt to carry on with life as usual. But there is no “usual” after a dear one has died. We need to grieve. If we don’t, if we push the grief deep within us and refuse its expression, it will deaden us to the rest of our lives. Then there are two deaths, not just one. And, if you really think about it, that’s probably not what your loved one would have wanted for you.
There is a funny thing about human nature that we take a particular comfort in knowing that other people suffer too and that some appear to carry bigger burdens than our own. And sometimes when we are feeling particularly sorry for ourselves, we encounter a brilliant brave soul who inspires us to raise our heads high as we carry our own mixed blessings of life. While not specifically about the holidays, this video is a magnificent reminder of the resilience of the human heart.
No matter whether our burdens are heavy or light, may we all be kinder to ourselves and each other this holiday season.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.
The Distinction Between Observation and Judgment
We observe something when we become aware of it. We acknowledge “this is so.” We judge when we form an opinion, as in “I think this about that.” Observation is a neutral act of taking in information upon which we base our responses. Judgment involves rendering an opinion regarding the relative value or merit of what is being observed. We get into dicey territory when we start judging each other for three reasons:
I had an experience recently that inspired this article. I was with a group of people and found myself rather ill at ease. The person who seemed to be setting the tone of the gathering repeatedly made choices other than those that would have been my preference. Suddenly, I became aware of how I was not simply observing this, but was making her wrong in the theater of my mind and essentially blaming her for my sense of separation. Everything was her fault from my point of view.
As I became increasingly irritated, I finally had the awareness that I was the one who was creating my sense of separation and justifying it with my judgments of this woman. This understanding opened up new possibilities for me. I began to pay closer attention to my judgments and each time I caught myself in the act, I quickly rephrased my judgment into a neutral statement of personal preference inside my mind. Energetically, this meant I was not making her wrong, but simply noticing that I was experiencing irritation by comparing her choice to my own preference. I did all that in my mind.
It then occurred to me that I was creating disharmony within myself and had the option of choosing to be more loving and peaceful instead. So, I started making that choice. Instead of seeing only what irritated me, I looked more deeply and was able to see the goodness in this woman as well. Before I knew it, I had shifted my attention to where it belonged — to affirming my intention of being more loving and peaceful and finding ways to do that rather than separating myself through my judgments. Soon, I was focusing on how grateful I was for this lesson in the distinction between observation and judgment.
Then, as I was leaving, this woman extended a kindness to me that reminded me that there are many ways to express our loving and it behooves us to be open to them all, rather than judging and rejecting those that do not resemble our own way of doing things. As Carl Jung said, “everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
Sometimes we meet people who simply do not know how else to relate to us than through judgment. Some behave this way with all people, others with only certain people as though they are allergic to them. I have experienced this with a relative who has disapproved of me all my life. As a child, I always felt rejected by her, and, as children do, I stood on my head trying to get her approval. I also fell into the trap of judging her in response to her criticisms of me.
As I matured, I tried to reason with her in an attempt to heal our relationship, but she was not interested in that. In time, I became aware of the fact that her judgment of me not only affected our relationship, but it colored all relationships in our family. Finally, I saw that there were always three people in the room when we were together — me, her and the figment of her imagination that she called by my name. That awareness became my path to freedom. I realized that she was as trapped in her judgment of me as I was. The difference was that I could get out of it and she was not yet able to do so.
As a grown woman, I finally saw that our relationship was a clear manifestation of Einstein’s definition of insanity — “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” My liberation came when I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. Recognizing that her judgment of me was none of my business, but that my own well-being was my responsibility, I chose to end all contact with her. As a result, my life is far more peaceful. When I think of her now, I do not allow myself to judge her. I pray for her and wish her well from afar while going about my own business of holding myself accountable for my inner and outer life and for my contribution to the quality of the relationships in my life.
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What Kind of Life Are You Creating for Yourself?
“I am seeking the fullest expression of myself as a human being on Earth.”
–Oprah Winfrey
Can you even begin to imagine if each and every one of us lived our lives with deep commitment to such a lofty vision? Why don’t we? What do we make more important than manifesting our fullest expression?
It is easy to dismiss Oprah’s success based on her vast fortune and to say, “Well, I could do great things with all that money, too!” But remember, Oprah started out as a poor, black girl in rural Mississippi, born to unwed, teenaged parents. Her early years were spent at her grandmother’s farm with no indoor plumbing or electricity. Then she lived with her mother in Milwaukee, where she was sexually abused by several male relatives and began to act out as a troubled young teen. Next, she lived with her father in Nashville, and his stern discipline gave her the guidance and stability she apparently needed to flourish. She began to excel in school and by 19 had a part-time job as a radio reporter in Nashville. The rest, as they say, is history.
Even if any of us could argue that we have faced bigger challenges than Oprah, the question remains, “What are you doing with your life?” What is your contribution? What kind of relationships do you have with yourself and others? How do you give of yourself?
Each of us is born, we breathe in and out for an unspecified period of time and then we die. That’s life. Each of us has our very own set of challenges, preferences and capabilities. What are yours, and what are you doing with them? Do you use them as excuses for failure or do you leverage them into greater wisdom and success?
As each new year arrives, many of us take stock of where we are in our lives and what changes we want to make. I am always amused to see how packed the gym is for the first few days of January and then how it gets back to normal in a week or two. It seems that the mere fact that it is a new year fails to provide sufficient momentum in most people to make substantive changes in their lives.
Having been raised Catholic, I am familiar with the experience of coming out of the confessional and feeling like I have a clean slate and wanting to keep it that way. Each new year has always had a similar feeling for me of starting anew, having yet another chance to direct myself through the trials and triumphs of life and wanting to lift myself up higher.
I used to work in strategic planning and learned to view the assets of any individual or organization as people, money and time. I now apply this perspective to myself in managing my own life. As I stand on the threshold of a new year, I am me and all that that encompasses. I have the money I have, no more and no less, and I have another allotment of 8,760 hours to do with as I will. The name of the game, as I see it, is to stay conscious of who I am, what I have and where I am going, and to be open to the possibilities that present themselves. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions or go to big New Year’s parties. Most years, I choose to spend New Year’s Eve alone using the vantage point of ending one year and starting a new one to pause and take a good look at my life. My ritual involves the following:
As captain of my own little ship on the sea of life, I get to choose my way through the opportunities and challenges that come my way. I do my best to keep on track or to revise my intentions as needed. It’s a living, breathing process, not a rigid goal that must be achieved. I also have an overarching vision or purpose to which I am dedicating my life. This helps to guide my choices and to inform my life each and every day.
How did you celebrate and honor the coming of the new year? What are your rituals?
I wish each and every one of you a happy, healthy and fulfilling new year of 8,760 hours. I hope you will use your allotment well for the highest good of all concerned. And finally, my best wishes to Oprah as she leads OWN, her new television network, which launched yesterday, Jan. 1, 2011, at noon. Her mission is to help unleash the power of human potential by providing mindful, not mindless, television that helps people live their best lives. Thank you, Oprah!
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How To Give Gifts With A Smile
“He gives little who gives with a frown;
he gives much who gives little with a smile.”
–The Talmud
Coming out of the holiday season, I’ve heard many stories from friends and clients about giving and receiving gifts. One significant lesson I learned is the importance of taking personal responsibility for your own happiness — or lack thereof — in the gift giving arena. When we place our material and/or emotional happiness in the hands of others who may or may not be willing or able to deliver, we put ourselves in a very precarious position.
Some married women (who are not gold-diggers) share a common concern despite their best efforts to explain their point of view to their partners. Their stories boil down to the fact that they really want to receive thoughtful gifts from their partners who profess to either not want to be bothered or dismiss gift-giving as commercialism. Some of these partners, in an effort to do the bare minimum, will run out to the store at the last minute and grab something with little attention to her particular likes and dislikes — i.e. they go through the motions, but their hearts are not in it. Yet, these same men enjoy receiving and using the thoughtful gifts they receive. In the meantime, these women come up with some very interesting and sometimes not-so-nice ways of handling their disappointment.
One friend told me that on her first Christmas with her husband, they lavished each other with gifts. Then, her birthday came two months later, and she looked forward to what he would do to acknowledge her day. Nothing. No “Happy birthday, honey.” No card. No flowers. No presents. She was deeply hurt and red-hot angry. The next day, she went to a jeweler, picked out a necklace, called her husband from the store and announced that she had just found his birthday present to her and handed the phone to the store clerk to get his credit card information. Most women will make their partners pay one way or another, reasoning, “Why should I give you what you want when you obviously don’t care what I want?”
I’ve spoken to a few men about this. I am struck by what seems to be a common posture of not wanting to be forced to do something they don’t want to do. Some of them, more specifically, are reluctant to let a woman tell them what to do.
Not all women feel the same about giving and receiving gifts. However, if you are a man in a relationship with a woman who would be disappointed and hurt if you didn’t give her a thoughtful gift, you might want to reframe your perspective on the situation. This is more about listening to what the woman you love is telling you about what’s important to her and how she would like you to demonstrate your love than it is about her telling you what to do. If you give a woman red roses and later find out that she prefers white lilies, next time give her white lilies — not because she is telling you what to do, but because she is telling you how to put a smile on her face. You might say, “She knows I love her.” That is not the point. She needs to know that you are willing to make a fuss over her — to demonstrate your love for her in a way that is meaningful to her. Whether you are giving her a diamond necklace or a teddy bear, it really is the thought that counts. So, guys, Valentine’s Day is coming — see if you can find a way to come at it from your loving and caring for your woman rather than from resentment or obligation.
Now, let’s talk about female friends who are on unequal footing in the gift-giving department. First of all, don’t be too quick to judge a friend who misses the mark. I have a dear friend who prides herself on how thoughtful she is in selecting the gifts she gives, yet I have rarely received anything from her that I have kept and usually have a difficult time finding sincere words to thank her. I have tried a number of times to steer her in the right direction or to suggest we make donations in each other’s name instead of gifts, but insists. She is making an effort, just missing the mark. Not wanting to offend her, I thank her, and then off to Goodwill the gifts go. While it is really great to get something you like, it is the thought that counts.
Then there are the friends who re-gift things they do not want or give generic, cheap gifts — like a candle from the drug store. The whole point of giving is to express your fondness for another person — to let them know you love them and consider yourself blessed to have them in your life. Don’t insult your friends with meaningless presents. Take the time to show you care, and give them something that will be meaningful to them. If you aren’t good at gift giving, find someone who is, and ask them to teach you.
“The manner of giving is worth more than the gift.” –Pierre Corneille
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