This is a picture of me with my mother, Grace Mundy, six months before her death in 2006. We shared a home during the final nine years of her life. Being her friend and caregiver through to her death was a walk through the valley of the shadow of death. But, it also taught me the following life and death lessons that I will always treasure.
1. It’s okay to be afraid. It is perfectly normal to have fear about your own death or that of a loved one. Every fiber of our being has been acculturated to survival and to fear of the unfamiliar. So, don’t deny your fear . Get specific with yourself about exactly what it is that you are afraid of. You can’t move past it until you own it. Realize that what you are afraid to experience is just one possibility of how the future will unfold. I was so surprised to discover that some of the things I feared most turned out to be doorways to tenderness and deeper love. Fear can either stop us in our tracks or be used as a steppingstone to learning and growing and strengthening ourselves. The choice is ours to make.
2. Let nothing be more important than loving each other. When all is said and done in our lives, our greatest treasures are sweet and heartfelt moments shared with others. So remember that as you journey through your life. Next time someone you care about is feeling blue, receives a terminal diagnosis, or is simply getting really old, make time to share your heart with them. Override the temptation to make excuses about not having the time or not knowing what to say or do. Let yourself be inconvenienced or uncomfortable. Just show up with your heart wide open.
When my mother was dying, there was one person she kept asking to see because there was unfinished business between them. Four times she asked — one when in intensive care with a 50/50 chance of making it through the night. Each time I called this person and shared my mother’s request. Each time, she showed up four days later with an entourage that minimized the opportunity for them to have one-on-one time together. The resolution never occurred between them. But, my mother told me she had made peace with the situation in her own heart before she died. Fear, discomfort, and ego positions prevent the flow of love between people. And sometimes time runs out.
3. Everyone who is dying needs an advocate who loves them. When someone is critically ill or simply frail, they need their own energy just to cope and to heal if that is an option. There may be all kinds of specialists being called in to consult on the case. All too often the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. Someone needs to keep track and connect the dots.
In my mother’s case, for example, she kept getting infections commonly spread in hospitals. Each infection brought on yet another antibiotic with another set of side effects. Those would make her susceptible to yet another opportunistic infection and another antibiotic would be prescribed and so on. I used to spend seven to ten hours a day with her when she was hospitalized just to keep track of all the things they were doing to her. I was busy all the time. It wasn’t until after it was all over that I realized I should have kept a notebook handy.
4. Death is not a popular topic among doctors. The medical model for terminal disease and death is a work in progress. Many doctors, having taken an oath to preserve life, perceive a patient’s death or the need to surrender them to palliative care as a personal failure. Expect most doctors to do everything they can think of to keep your loved one going. And, don’t wait for them to broach the subjects of palliative care or death. Be assertive and initiate that conversation on your loved one’s behalf.
Between hospitalizations, my mother had many trips to the ER. It was there that one brave doctor finally took me aside and told me that there was really nothing further medically that could be done for her. He suggested that we consider hospice care. I burst into tears. He held me, and comforted me until I was over the shock of hearing what no one wants to hear. My mother was going down a slippery slope toward death. I will always be grateful to him for telling me the truth so we could adjust our expectations accordingly.
5. No matter how anyone else’s behavior looks to us, they are doing the best they can. I’ve adopted a favorite expression:
We’re all doing the best we can and this is what it looks like.
Each of us is a complex assortment of skills, abilities, fears, traits and preferences. Compassion comes forward when we realize that how we think another “should” behave is of no significance. Indeed, if we walked in their shoes, we would likely behave no differently than they do. Particularly in stressful times, compassion for one another goes a very long way.
6. When someone you love is dying, it is their dying not yours. Sometimes a loved one will become very bossy and pushy about their point of view. They may be convinced that their ideas of what should or should not be done are the “right” way. It is important to help them realize that their job is not to lead the way. It is to follow the lead of the one who is dying. Let them die their way, not yours. If they want to be alone, let them. If they don’t want to eat, let them. If they want to change their will, let them. If they want to talk about dying, let them. Your job is to support them not to direct them.
There is a kind of emotional dance I experienced with my mother. Each of us did our best to be true to ourself without hurting each other. We learned to pay attention inwardly and to be bold about honoring ourselves as well as each other. I learned to follow her lead. I paid attention to what was important to her and what she didn’t care about.
7. Don’t leave yourself with any regrets. My mother and I shared many profound conversations during her final years. We intentionally cleared the air between us on a regular basis. We had an agreement not to withhold our upsets with each other when they occurred. We also helped each other find forgiveness for loved ones who were unable to give us the support we wanted.
Keep the emotional air quality as fresh and clean as possible. If toxicity remains with someone, don’t forget to practice forgiveness for both of you. That will free you inside yourself to accept the situation as it is and to choose to love this person and yourself unconditionally.
Above all else, just remember:
Love is our first and most sacred priority.
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