Archive for month: January, 2017

Thriving Rather Than Stressing Through Your Holidays

If you are one of those people who dreads the holidays or simply does not want to experience a repeat performance of holidays past, this article is for you.  Preparing for the holidays is not just about eating food, buying presents, and making travel arrangements.  The kind of holiday season you will have is not primarily determined by who you are with, how they behave, and what presents you receive.  

The #1 key to enjoying the holidays is choosing to be an active, conscious participant and not a passive, unconscious victim.

What you do in your inner mental and emotional kingdom will determine whether you suffer through yet another holiday or do your best to ensure that you optimize your chances to have a delightful time.  Blaming and judging others for your dissatisfaction keeps you stuck in your unhappiness.  If you want to create, promote, and allow yourself to sing a different tune this year, you have to get in the driver’s seat to make that happen.

Empower yourself, not others, to determine the quality of your experience.

I remember shopping in Filene’s Basement in Boston once and the memory still makes me giggle while also reminding me of one of life’s most powerful lessons.  A woman asked her friend what she would tell her husband about all the things she was buying.  The friend replied, “I’m just going to tell him the devil made me do it.”  Well, just where was that devil and how is it that he or she had the power to take over that woman’s personal authority and responsibility for her own actions?  Too many of us play victim over the holidays disclaiming responsibility for our actions and experiences.  We tell ourselves we have no will power to resist all the treats and temptations.  We feel sorry for ourselves when we don’t feel loved and cared for by those with whom we share the festivities, or we feel left out because we have no invitations to be anywhere we really want to be.  Often, we think we are the only one in that situation.  When we are with our family, we often revert to the dysfunctional roles we played with each other during our childhood.  Many of us get depressed because this holiday season shows no promise of being wonderful.

What to do?  Here’s a plan to renovate your holiday experience:

Step One: Set a Clear Intention to Give Yourself a Good Holiday Experience:  Don’t commit to trying to do it differently.  Commit to doing it differently.  Make your own needs and happiness important to yourself and commit to doing your very best to take care of yourself.

Step Two: Assess Your Options and Set Realistic Expectations:  If you have been stuck in a rut of feeling obligated to spend your holidays with people you don’t enjoy being with, then your options will be far different from those of someone whose loved one has just died.  Survey your situation.  First ask yourself, “what do I really expect is going to happen this holiday season?”  Be ruthlessly honest with yourself because your expectations are the foundation upon which your experience will be built.  They are self-fulfilling prophecies of what is to come.  It’s kind of insidious, but what we believe to be true has power.  Beliefs function like a screening mechanism whereby we prove ourselves to be right.  If you tell yourself that unpleasant circumstances, situations, and events will repeat themselves, they will – because that’s the only option you believe is available to you.   Alternatively, you can anticipate the challenges and temptations you will encounter, and choose to create a happier holiday as a gift to yourself.

From where you stand right now, what are you anticipating your holiday season to bring your way?  What about it looks good to you and what looks dreadful?  Have you experienced those dreadful things in the past?  How well did you handle them? With 20/20 hindsight and ruthless honesty, do you see anything you might do differently that could yield a better experience for you?  Were you on autopilot reacting to your experiences or were you really staying present in the moment trying different strategies to improve your experience?  If you can’t think of any alternative ways of experiencing the same old challenges, imagine someone you consider to be savvy and outstanding at handling these kinds of situations.  What would he or she do?  Are you willing to step outside your comfort zone and try something new or would you rather just suffer through it all again?

If you are particularly tender-hearted due to the death of a loved one or some other sensitive new experience in your life, be honest with yourself about what you really need.   Maybe everyone else’s well-intended concern for your well-being is more than you can bear right now.  Maybe you’d just like to be alone and let the holidays pass uneventfully.  It’s OK.

Let the filter through which you assess your options be about your true needs rather than any concern for what others might think.  Have the courage to trust your own instincts rather than trying to please others by following tradition or doing what you think they expect.

Step Thee:  Get Creative and Bold: Be proactive.  Here are some of the things you might do differently:

Find a new place to belong.  Think of someone with whom you’d really like to spend the holiday.  Let them know why it would be meaningful to you and ask if it’s possible.  If not, think of someone else.  If you end up with yourself that need not be a lonely option.

Spend the holidays in service to others.  Whose holiday might you make brighter?  Is there an organization in your area that you would like to help?  Is there someone you know who could use your loving kindness?

Consider a feast for one.  Some of my favorite Thanksgiving Day memories are from creating and eating an entire feast for one and having fabulous leftovers for days.

Let the holiday pass uneventfully.  If there is no one available you would really love to be with and don’t want to be bothered with holiday activities, honor that as the right choice and not a “poor me” scenario.

Host your own holiday.  Rather than being someone else’s guest, take the initiative to be the architect of a holiday with you as the host(ess).

Give yourself a lavish holiday for one.  Maybe that means travelling to somewhere exotic or decorating your home over the top and buying yourself lots of presents that you wrap rivaling Martha Stewart’s finest work.

Be with the same people, but do it very differently.  Sometimes, drastic measures are called for.  If you have a family member or fellow participant who treats you as though you are emitting a really bad odor, practice not letting his or her negativity in.  This may take a lot of effort and time to perfect.  Consider new strategies like praying for you both, distracting yourself into being helpful to your host(ess), having meaningful exchanges with others, and minimizing the opportunities for this person’s behavior to infect your experience.  It all helps.  And, you may find it all too tiresome to continue being in this person’s company and decide to go in another direction entirely.

Trust your intuition about what is right for you no matter how different from what other people think you should do.  If you find yourself not experiencing a strong sense of belonging anywhere but with yourself or feel more like an observer of other people’s festivities rather than a real participant, break free of obligations.  Be grateful for being invited, but maybe it’s time to strike out on your own.

The bottom line is to give yourself the holiday experience that is just right for you.  Do what is meaningful to you and be with people who appreciate you.  Some might view this as self-indulgent, but I see it as taking responsibility for warming the cockles of your own sweet heart.  Happy holidays everyone!

 

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

If you would like to suggest a topic for a future blog or ask me to address a particular situation or issue, please email me at judithjohnson@hvc.rr.com

To view a more extensive archive of my articles, visit me on the Huffington Post at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-johnson

 

(Image courtesy of Lindsay Mumma on http://www.trianglecrc.com/blog/holiday-stress/)

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Getting Divorced? What Can You Do For Your Children?

Divorce and what leads up to it are not tidy and polite affairs.  The children who bear witness to the demise of their parents’ marriage inevitably get wounded – some very deeply and invisibly at first.   No matter how old a child is when his/her parents’ divorce occurs, the child learns a life lesson about the shadow side of love and its potential impermanence.  Learning this lesson through the end of your parents’ marriage and perhaps the subsequent re-partnering of either or both parents, is confusing at best and life-threatening for young children who are dependent upon their parents for their very survival.

When we fall in love and marry, many of us have stars in our eyes and fantasize about living happily ever after.  Then reality sets in and tests our ability to fulfill our vows to love, honor and cherish each other through the trials and triumphs of life.  If we lived in a perfect world, love would last and be stronger than all the challenges that tear us apart.   In reality, maintaining a loving relationship takes a lot of commitment, honesty, and vulnerability.  It’s not for the faint of heart.

As a child of divorce, a life coach, and an interfaith minister who officiates at many weddings, I do not think that divorce, in and of itself, is a bad thing.  In fact, I wish my own parents had divorced much earlier than they did which would have spared us from living in a cold war of mixed messages at home that wore a public mask of a perfect family.

When a parent leaves, so does a part of the child – we often hide the vulnerable and innocent parts of ourself to avoid dealing with our feelings and needs.  We lack the personal resources to cope and our parents are too busy fighting, so most of us are left with the options of either expressing or repressing our emotions and fears.  Hiding them is usually a safer bet.

These days most parents are too busy to be as attentive as their child(ren) need them to be when the family is falling apart and the kids are too often left to fend for themselves.  However, this is a crucial time for a child.  No matter how young or grown a child of divorce is, he or she has probably internalized some deep lessons that may remain as an unconscious filter through which he or she experience the rest of their life unless and until becoming aware of those messages and developing a realistic and healthy understanding of  the matter.  The two most dominant messages that kids of divorce internalize are believing that their parents’ divorce is somehow their fault and that love is conditional and might not last.  Let’s take a closer look at both of these messages.

Younger children tend to be more susceptible to thinking the divorce is their fault.  “If only I hadn’t … then Mommy and Daddy would still be together” is what many kids tell themselves.  Some try to “fix” the situation by being on good behavior, imagining that doing so will be all that is needed to bring the parents back together so they can live happily ever after as a family.  Even after the parents are officially divorced and are living separately, many children fantasize about what they can do to get their family back together again. For a child who thinks his or her bad behavior is responsible for the parents splitting up, it makes sense that they think their good behavior might reunite them and that their bad behavior might stave off a new suitor.

The second dark message many children of divorce hear is that love is conditional and does not last.   ‘You loved my Mommy or Daddy, then he/she did something you didn’t like and now you are divorced.  I better be careful or you’ll divorce me too.” We want our children to believe that our love for them is unconditional, but divorcing their other parent gives them a mixed message.

When we internalize the message that love doesn’t last, we learn to protect ourselves from getting hurt by not getting too close to anyone.  We may evolve a survival strategy of avoiding intimacy – especially emotional intimacy as a way to avoid the vulnerability of ever feeling so powerless and devastated again.  We may keep to ourselves or choose to use other people without actually bonding with them.

What can parents do to help their children thrive rather than hide when the family is breaking apart?

• First, don’t assume that reassuring your child that you love him/her is enough.

• Know that no matter how careful you might have been not to fight in front of the children, they saw and heard and felt their family falling apart and had no personal resources to do anything about it.

• Know that no matter whether they act out or put a smile on their face, their world is falling apart too.

• Take lots of time with them to help them draw out their deeper feelings and needs. Talk to them. Listen deeply. Use forms of creative expression to draw out their deeper truth. Go for counseling together. Reach out to their teachers and guidance counselors to help you watch for signs of distress. Check out books and websites on the topic.

• Keep the lines of communication with each child strong and open on a daily basis and keep a loving connection with them throughout their adulthood. Make a commitment with your X to both do this for each child and to not interfere with each other doing so.

• If the child acts out, make sure that your reaction communicates that your love is not conditional based on their behavior – i.e. “I love you and will always love you, but I will not accept that behavior.”

• Never complain to the child about the other parent.

• Never let them see or hear your judgment of the other parent. For the sake of the children, please play nice with your X when coordinating care and decisions regarding the children.

These days most parents are too busy to be as attentive as their child(ren) need them to be when the family is falling apart and the kids are too often left to fend for themselves.  The health and well-being of your children is your responsibility until they are able to take care of themselves.  Pay attention and be sure they feel your love no matter what.

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How to Create a Spiritual But Not Religious Wedding Ceremony

More and more couples today say they want a spiritual but not religious wedding ceremony. This mirrors the trend of Americans who self-identify with this label. The spiritual but not religious now account for approximately 37 percent of Americans and that number has doubled in the last decade.

What does it mean to be spiritual but not religious? When interviewing couples who use this term to describe themselves, I ask what this term means to them. Typically, they say things like “we consider ourselves to be good people, but we don’t follow any particular religion” or “we believe in some kind of creator or God but not the way God is defined in the major world religions” or “I’m not really sure — we believe there is something more to life than the physical, but don’t know what that is or how to talk about it.”

In the U.S., when you step outside the auspices of a religious doctrine, you are either one who self-identifies as an atheist (i.e. does not believe in “God”); an agnostic (i.e. has not found satisfactory proof of God’s existence); someone who isn’t particularly concerned about such matters; or you don’t have a specific label and are looking to find what is true for you. Generally, the spiritual but not religious fall into the last of these groups.

Unlike those who follow the doctrine of a particular religious tradition, when the spiritual but not religious are creating a wedding ceremony, they do not have a template to follow. In fact, as long as their ceremony complies with the laws of the state in which the marriage takes place, they can do whatever they want.

In 2005, when I published the first edition of my book, The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day, I sought to provide a basic structure for the ritual of a self-designed wedding ceremony for the spiritual but not religious. It was also my intention to educate them about the hundreds of logistical considerations that might never occur to them otherwise. Just published in a second edition, this has become the bestselling book on the topic of wedding ceremony design.

Even with this book as a reference point, couples need to figure out what would or would not be appropriate for them as a unique couple. The key is what I call resonance — the intensified sense of truth an individual or couple experiences when considering a passage or ritual component — its “rightness” or “wrongness” for them, if you will. They might read one passage and respond “oh, yuck!” while another generates a response such as “oh, honey, that’s us!”

The freedom afforded a couple facing a blank sheet of paper as their starting point can be quite daunting. However, it can be wonderfully affirming as well if both partners participate in letting their resonance be their guide. Some realize that they have never had the occasion to share or articulate their deepest beliefs and values. Doing so is simultaneously a declaration and an intimate sharing of who they are. When a marriage ceremony is created from this place, it will ring true to the family and other guests as well — even when others do not share the couple’s point of view.

In addition to creating a ceremony that reflects their deepest values and beliefs, couples should also consider the impact their ceremony is likely to have on their guests. Being too in your face or not particularly tasteful can cause problems with family and friends. A good rule of thumb is to consider what you might think of your choices ten or twenty years later with a bit more maturity and perspective. Celebrate who you are as individuals, as a couple, and as members of the assembled community, but be sure to temper that by honoring and being respectful of essential differences as well.

If you have specific questions about how to design your wedding ceremony or as an officiant serving a specific couple, feel free to ask them under the comments section below or to email me your questions at judithjohnson@hvc.rr.com. Your comments and questions are always welcome.

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8 Wedding Planning Secrets From the Insiders

8 Wedding Planning Secrets From the Insiders

I thought it would be helpful for couples to hear from Stephanie and Jeff Padavoni of BookMoreBrides.com who are the best kept secret among wedding vendors.  They are the #1 marketing resource for the wedding industry – teaching vendors how to effectively communicate with and serve wedding couples.  They combine many years of first-hand experience as wedding vendors with their mastery of social media marketing savvy, and tremendous empathy for the challenges and needs of both couples and vendors.

 I asked them recently for their best advice for couples on how to find the right vendors who will work together to exceed the couple’s dreams of their wedding day.  Here’s what they had to say:

1. When you are hiring a vendor, you are purchasing their expertise as well as their time.  And, it takes lots of time behind the scenes to create the final product.

Couples are often shocked at the price tag attached to wedding services.  “But I’m only hiring you for four hours!” is a common reaction.  In reality, vendors spend many hours outside your wedding day timeline on planning, communication, rehearsals, meetings, travel and all the logistics necessary to make their contribution to your day look easy and effortless.  This doesn’t even take into account the necessary time and financial investment in initial training and education, as well as ongoing study and investment to keep skills sharp and equipment and offerings up to date.

Let’s take photographers as an example.  According to this recent survey, the average photographer spends 65 hours invested in each wedding; when all the hours invested in a wedding are factored in, a typical wedding photographer makes an hourly wage only $37 per hour before expenses!  DJs, florists, officiants, planners and other pros are in a similar situation.

Most wedding professionals are not living large on “wedding ripoffs,” a charge often lodged by the media.  While the average wedding in the US costs around $25,000, a recent survey of our wedding professional audience revealed that 48% of wedding businesses make less than $25,000 in an entire YEAR.

2.  If you hire an amateur for your wedding, expect an amateur result.

Wedding professionals are not a commodity item.  You’re hiring a unique personality, talent and experience set.  Those who charge more are often worth more, but their value is often difficult to measure in terms of dollars and cents.  It is based on intangibles such as how well the vendor creates a rapport with you and seems to understand and care about your specific needs and desires.  The amateurs you can hire for a dime a dozen are usually worth exactly the price you pay for them.

Sure, you might luck out and find the next undiscovered Preston Bailey for your wedding, but you’re much more likely to get sub-par performance along with that bargain price.

3.  The truth about the “wedding markup.”

Much has been made of the so-called “wedding markup,” a phenomenon that occurs when secret shoppers get quoted a higher price for identical services when they are booked for a wedding as opposed to another type of event.  While this certainly can occur, journalists neglect to address the very real reasons WHY this happens.  The truth is that providing any service for a wedding is far more involved than a similar, non-wedding event.  Wedding pros make themselves available for planning meetings, calls and consultations, and may well send hundreds of emails back and forth with a single client in the year or more of planning up to the wedding.

This type of time and attention isn’t expected or required for most non-wedding events; the time investment alone is enough to justify a higher price.  The quality of wedding services often requires a greater degree of skill and specialization.

4. Make sure that YOUR wedding really matters to your vendors.

Again, this is another intangible, but pay close attention to whether or not a particular vendor seems more interested in being of service to you or closing the deal.   A real wedding professional knows that each and every wedding has the potential to make or break their reputation.  Make sure your vendors discuss their “Plan B” with you of what they will do in the event that something goes wrong.  Make sure they are tending to the details and not just giving you sweeping generalities about what they do and how they do it.  The details are their responsibility for delivering on your expectations.

5.  Listen to your vendors’ advice – it can save you time, money, stress and disappointment.

There is a fine line between being unique and different from other weddings and being trite or inauthentic.  A seasoned vendor has seen it all and can and should tactfully temper your enthusiasm when you are crossing that fine line.  What may seem clever to you may be something your vendor has seen done before with disappointing results.  Trust their experience and draw upon it.  Know that when they suggest changes to your dream wedding scenario it may be because they have your best interests at heart.  Do take advantage of a vendor’s knowledge and experience.

6.  If you only have $10,000 to spend on your wedding, don’t expect your vendors to make it look like you spent $100,000.

Weddings can be expensive, and you certainly don’t have to spend a lot of money.  But if you’re going to trim your budget, don’t expect it to be a carbon copy of the Royal wedding.  Great vendors share their skills and experience to help you create a wonderful wedding, but they are not magicians.

7.  A DIY wedding usually takes more time and money than hiring a professional.

There is lots of hype on wedding blogs and wedding reality TV about saving money by doing things yourself.  Unfortunately, they misrepresent the details of what’s actually possible for a typical wedding with an average budget…one that doesn’t have a team of expert designers and planners working magic behind the scenes.

Wedding planning is overwhelming and stressful enough without trying to set up a craft factory in your garage to create clever favors for 200 guests or to arrange your own flowers.

If you think you’re going to save money by having the wedding in your backyard – you are heading for a rude awakening.  When you add up the cost of the tent, rentals, food, alcohol, place settings and silverware, you end up spending MORE than you would hosting it in a traditional wedding venue.

8.  Your wedding day will not be perfect, but a great team of vendors can make sure it’s as close as possible.

When it comes to your wedding, don’t forget that there is no such thing as a perfect wedding – something always happens that you didn’t expect or anticipate. Maybe your bridal party will be late, the weather won’t cooperate, or the guests will forget to take home those favors you agonized over.  There are simply too many details and too tight of a timeline for everything to be completely perfect.  But when something goes wrong, you can relax into the moment knowing your team will be doing their best to help make it right.

 

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The Top 5 Things to Do When a Loved One Is Dying

I have far more I’d like to say on this topic than can be contained in a single post. So I will summarize my top five here and do follow-up articles on each of the five in the future series, What To Do When A Loved One Is Dying: Parts 1-5.

1. Don’t assume you are supposed to know what to do.
We live in a death-denying culture that has a hard time even saying the word “death.” Needless to say, we are not taught how to face our own death or that of a loved one, and are likely to panic in death’s presence. Or at the very least, we’re likely to be ill at ease because we don’t know what to do or not do. So start by recognizing this state of affairs, and don’t pressure yourself to “do it right.” When someone you love is dying, it’s okay to be a mess — just try not to dump your mess on others — especially the one who is dying.

This goes for others as well. No two people are going to respond the same way and most will be woefully unprepared and unskilled at dealing with the situation. This will not, however, stop some from shirking their responsibility or being self-appointed bullies demanding that others follow their lead.

Lead with your heart — keep your love flowing with the dying person and others as well — if possible. Nothing is more important than loving each other. Do your best and then some.

2. Make it a priority to demonstrate your love for the person who is dying. 
The fact that your loved one is dying can be overwhelming and scary. Do your best not to let that get in the way of keeping your love alive as you see them off on their journey into the unknown territory of death. Love them up, down and sideways, but don’t make a big deal about it — just let your love flow and watch for little things that you can do to be of service to them. If you enter your loved one’s room and say something like, “Your color looks good today,” when you both know he or she is dying, your real communication says, “I can’t handle this and need to pretend it isn’t happening.” Be honest. Be authentic. Be you. It’s okay to let them see your fear and distress, but don’t let that overshadow your love. Express your gratitude to them for the ways they enriched your life, share happy memories and yes, do say goodbye — but do it tenderly. Don’t be afraid to touch the dying. Nothing communicates our love more than holding hands and stroking our loved one’s hair.

Tailor your efforts according to the time available. Respect the fact that time can be very short from hearing the prognosis to the actual time of death. One of my personal pet peeves is when people are inconvenienced by the news, as though their loved one should have checked on their availability rather than having the audacity to sound the red alert at an inopportune moment. When your mother has a 50/50 chance of making it through the night, you don’t show up four days later!

3. Respect the authority of the dying to make his or her own decisions.
The person who is dying is the boss. If they are conscious enough to be making their own decisions — don’t bully them into doing things your way. Just as sure as you are that your way is right for you, know that their way is right for them no matter how different it is from your own. If someone holding a healthcare proxy is in charge, his or her authority is to be equally respected. Ideally, each of us gets our ducks in a row before our dying time. In reality, most do not. As a result, a lot of financial, legal, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual life-or-death decisions get made in a hurry, at the last minute. This can cause a lot of chaos, confusion, conflict and mixed up emotions among family and loved ones. Do your best to quickly align yourself with the wishes of the dying. It is their death, not yours.

4. Accept that he or she is dying. Don’t fight against it.
It’s fine to hope that things will turn around and death will be postponed. However, if death is what is happening, it helps enormously to accept that fact. We are taught to fight against death like it is an evil monster. In fact, death is as normal as birth — we just haven’t been trained to see it that way. I find it sad when doctors and loved ones subject the dying to endless invasive drugs, tests and procedures when it is obvious that it is time to die. I am an enthusiastic supporter of hospice care for the dying.

Each of us is born one moment of one day, we die one moment of another day and have an unknown number of days to live in between. Make the most of the time you and your loved one have left together. Fill it with tenderness and be of loving service to their wishes and needs. Give them a good send off.

5. Contribute to maintaining a peaceful environment.
When someone is dying, they have enough to do handling their own process, which might include physical pain, fear, emotional turmoil, confusion, regrets, etc. Assume that any discord in their environment will add to their load and be unkind on the part of those causing it. Even if the dying person is seemingly unconscious, assume he or she can hear and be affected by everything that happens around them. If family members are squabbling, take it outside of the room. Consider the dying room a sacred space where only love and comforting activities are allowed unless the dying person requests otherwise.

Just give your loved one the best send off possible leaving no regrets.

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When Loved Ones Aren’t Very Loving

With the holiday season approaching, this is a good time to take stock of our own behavior in relation to our loved ones. For many of us, gathering with our families and friends for holidays, weddings, funerals and other events is a dreaded experience. Unless we have deeply worked on our own personal growth and/or been blessed with a truly loving and nurturing family, childhood dynamics and family dysfunctions tend to rule the day.

If this is true for you, ask yourself these questions. What role do you tend to play in these dramas? Are you consistently kind to everyone? Or, do you reject certain ones and favor others? Do you hold grudges that have been festering for years. Or are you one who stands by pretending not to see the elephant in the room – one that has perhaps been there for many, many years. Do you strive to truly demonstrate loving kindness for everyone there? In what ways do you contribute to the discord? Do you see yourself as a helpless and innocent victim? Are you someone who thinks you are somehow better than everyone else? What kind of attitude and behaviors do you contribute?

In many families at least one giant elephant of discord sits in the room and there is a silent conspiracy that everyone participates in pretending not to see it or to do anything to get rid of it. Perhaps there is a drug-addicted child, or an alcoholic parent, or a nasty, judgmental sister, a boring uncle, a nerd, or someone you hold a grudge against.

If this kind of thing is true of your family or among your circle of friends, is there something you might do to contribute to healing the situation rather than going along with the same old dysfunctional dynamic? It takes courage to go against the tide – to name the elephant and to initiate efforts to get it out of the room. But, consider the alternative of letting things continue to fester and foregoing the possibility of having a mutually respectful and enjoyable time together.

Consider the following example. I know one family with two sisters and a brother in the middle who have put up with the older sister’s judgments and rejection of the younger sister for decades. Every family gathering is tainted by what Louis Auchincloss so aptly describes as “all the while scarlet thoughts, putrid fantasies, and no love” fills the air. What appears to be happening is that the elder sister feels that her disdain is justified by her judgments of her sister. The brother maintains separate relationships with his sisters and tries to be a good sport and peacemaker gathering everyone together as though unconscious of the feud. Meanwhile, the younger sister having suffered through years of these gatherings, and after making numerous attempts to talk to her sister about healing the discord between them, has withdrawn from family gatherings.

If this kind of drama sounds familiar to you, consider what you might do differently and what is at stake. Why should everyone have to suffer because someone doesn’t like one of the family or group of friends? Why not challenge that person either privately or publicly and let them know that their behavior has negative consequences for everyone else involved? Why not go on record as being unwilling to support this kind of behavior in the future? Ask the person what they are making more important then loving one another. Or, perhaps you could let the apparent victim know that you care about their wellbeing and do not approve of the aggressor’s behavior. The term ‘loved ones’ implies special status – our inner circle. Yet, some of us are kinder to total strangers than to those with whom we share our lives.

As adults we are each responsible and accountable for what we create, promote, and allow in our lives and how our behavior affects others – no matter how justifiable we believe our attitudes and behaviors to be. At the end of the day, we are either contributing to more loving kindness for all involved or more distress and discord. Is there something you might do differently next time to make nothing more important that being loving and kind to one another?

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Can You Trust Yourself?

Trust is an interesting concept — and far more exciting as an action. Trusting yourself involves the willingness and confidence to rely on your own integrity, abilities, and character to meet the challenges of a particular experience, or all of life for that matter. For me, trust is not only a psychological factor, but has a spiritual component as well because God is very much a part of my worldview.

I believe that the ultimate gamble with the greatest potential gain in life is to trust yourself and that in so doing, you gain a level of freedom, authenticity, and peace that is unreachable any other way. Trust requires living in your own skin, recognizing your own authority as the very best arbiter of what is for you and what is not. We may have learned as children to trust and rely upon the authority of others to tell us what to do and when to do it. But there is a profound and authentic inner voice that lies dormant within us all until we start to listen to it and recognize its ability to express our deepest truth and to guide us with the most precise discernment of what will serve our highest good — whether we like it or not. Some call this their “inner” or “true” self, and some suggest this is the spark of the divine that resides in each of us. Either way, just as with physical exercise we are trained to strengthen our core muscles, we must strengthen this core self as well by exercising its voice. That’s how we learn to trust ourselves. Otherwise, we remain at the effect of external sources of authority and simply react to them, usually with the intention of getting their approval or affecting their perception of us in some way.

In my second doctoral dissertation, I focused on the topic of trust because I had become profoundly aware of the fact that whenever I felt out of balance, the bottom line was that I wasn’t trusting myself. As I explored the internal wiring of my consciousness, I discovered something remarkable — my lack of self-trust was so fundamental to my way of being that I was living my life built upon the intention of avoiding pain and suffering. I knew that it was fairly normal to minimize our distress, but my behavior was an all-encompassing way of being whereby I sought to anticipate and avoid perceived sources of suffering.

There was an ironic and fundamental flaw in my approach. In my effort to achieve greater happiness by avoiding pain and suffering, I was actually attracting them to me by focusing upon them rather than on the happiness I sought. I was equating happiness with an absence of pain. In fact, our minds act like great magnets attracting to us what we focus upon, which in turn makes our intentions and focal points self-fulfilling prophecies.

Inherent in my approach was the fact that I neither trusted myself nor God, and so I played God by attempting to write the script of my life. I recognized this as the most pivotal shift I needed to make in my consciousness to improve my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being, and I wanted the joy, ease, grace, and abundance that it would bring forth in my life.

So, what about you?

Do you trust yourself?

Do you tend to live at the effect of people and events outside yourself?

Or, alternatively, do you experience yourself as capable of living your life with all its unanticipated twists and turns?

Here are three keys that really helped me make this wonderful transformation of my inner experience. First, I practiced keeping my consciousness focused in the present moment until that became a good habit. This replaced my previous habit of worrying so much about the future. It empowered me to take appropriate action in the only time frame that affords us that opportunity — the present.

Secondly, I observed myself and developed a list of my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual experiences and expressions during the presence or absence of trust in my consciousness. Creating this list helped me to recognize what it looks like and feels like to be trusting — to put flesh on the bones of the concept of trust. For example, I noticed that when I was experiencing trust, I was physically relaxed, comfortable, open, with fluid and graceful movements. In contrast, when lacking trust, I became rigid, tense, stressed, and pushed others away. Mentally, I was not feeling attached to my point of view, worrying, judging others, or avoiding anything. Instead, I was paying attention to what was present and cooperating with it. Emotionally, trust allowed me to go with the flow, confident that I could meet whatever came my way. This was an enormous contrast to my previous experience of anger, fear, agitation, resistance to whatever I did not like, and doubting my ability to be happy in life. Spiritually, trust brought an attunement to the highest good of all concerned and the desire to surrender to “God’s way” rather than demanding “my way.” Rather than playing God, I learned to recognize God’s wisdom and presence in my life.

Finally, I practiced, practiced, and practiced doing more of the things that brought greater trust, and breaking the habit of doing those that did not. I came to believe that there is nothing “wrong” that I have to try to fix. I discovered that trusting is about letting go of “should”s, “have to”s, demands, expectations, fears, illusions, and delusions. The more I surrendered into trust, the more it became my automatic response. Rather than closing down and retreating in response to pain and suffering, I built skills in experiencing them and learning from them. This built my openness and trust that God’s infinite wisdom is present at all times — not just in the experiences that I like.

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Giving Yourself a Basic Education About Funeral Planning NOW

If you had to plan a funeral for a loved one tomorrow, would you know what to do and what not to do?  Most of us are woefully unprepared when faced with this task and must do so while grieving the loss of someone for whom we care deeply.  So, consider investing a mere half hour of your time NOW so when the time comes, you can rise to the occasion with your wits about you.

If you are lucky, when called upon to actually plan a funeral or memorial, the deceased will have already pre-planned the funeral and all you will have to do is contact the funeral home and they will take it from there.  Unfortunately, only about 25% of funerals are pre-planned according to the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA). http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2013/05/29/funeral-pre-planning/2370935/     So, in the vast majority of cases, you are on your own to figure out how to honor the deceased.

No matter what kind of ritual or ceremony you deem appropriate, in most states you will be required to retain the services of a funeral director at the very least to transport the body from the place of death to whatever comes next.  Laws differ from state to state, so it’s important to know the laws involved.  Matters can be further complicated if the deceased needs to be moved from one state to another.

In the old model of funeral planning, we would appear on the doorstep of the funeral home in our grief and rely on the funeral director to guide us through our decision-making.  That’s a pretty vulnerable situation to be in making such tender-hearted and financially significant decisions.  Under such circumstances, it is not uncommon to overspend in an effort to prove the depth of our love for the deceased.  Not knowing what decisions need to be made, we are likely to think we ought not forego anything that “most people do” whether it suits our needs and pocketbook or not.

Planning can get very complicated, very stressful, and very expensive, very fast. Funerals are an expensive proposition.  The NFDA estimates the average cost of a funeral in the US, including a burial vault, to be  $8,343.  http://nfda.org/about-funeral-service-/trends-and-statistics.html  So, it pays to be a well-informed consumer before you start contacting funeral directors.

Here are a few free online resources that are well worth a visit before actually making plans with a funeral director.

http://www.imsorrytohear.com offers complimentary funeral planning tools and advice to help us be more savvy consumers of funeral-related products.  Here are some of the highlights of what they offer:

-They are in the process of rolling out a directory of all the funeral homes in the US and Canada.  To date, information is online for 17 states and is projected to include all US states by year-end.  Simply enter your zip code, city/state, or add personal preferences such as religion or services offered and the site will tell you what funeral homes meet your needs and display reviews left from prior customers.   Not all listings are comprehensive yet, but those that are include license status, ownership (corporate vs. Independent), religious/cultural offerings, a list of services offered, the funeral director’s name, and professional associations.  Eventually, this site will also include Canadian funeral providers, pricing, and other funeral vendors that can assist with other aspects of end-of-life planning.  This is an invaluable resource for comparing the offerings of potential funeral homes side by side.

-A comprehensive and downloadable funeral planning checklist guides you through the information and decisions you will need to address before, during, and after the funeral.  This includes a copy of the Funeral Rule enforced by the Federal Trade Commission, which details our rights as consumers of funeral products and services.

-A casket guide that details the various options and price ranges of caskets.

-A description of key consumer advocacy groups.

-Contact information for state funeral planning boards that regulate the licensure and practice of funeral directors and embalmers.

-Funeral planning tips and educational articles.

www.Efuneral.com  While the name does not imply it, this site offers comprehensive resources for end-of-life planning such as legalities (including wills, trusts, and advance healthcare directives); caregiving, hospice and palliative care services; facing dementia and terminal illnesses; and grieving as well as funeral planning resources.  In terms of funeral planning, the site offers:

-A detailed funeral arrangements guide

-A funeral planning tool that allows you to comparison shop different funeral homes, browse reviews, and manage your planning budget.

-An archive of articles and videos on the various topics covered by the site.

-Advise and tips on such topics as estate planning, saving money on funeral expenses, helping a loved one through sickness, or broaching the subject of end-of-life care with elderly parents.

www.funeralwise.com/Funeral–Planning claims to offer you everything you need to know about funerals and planning, including:

-A step-by-step online funeral planning guide detailing who to call when the death occurs; arranging for transporting the deceased; planning the funeral and cremation or burial; and post-funeral matters.

-An explanation of funeral customs by ethnicity, culture, and religion.

-A description of funeral etiquette for various circumstances and situations.

-Guidance for dealing with grief.

-A search tool to find funeral homes and cemeteries by geographic location to comparison shop

-A guide to pet loss

-A store that offers sympathy bouquets, memorial items, books, and music.

When researching online resources for funeral planning pay close attention to the vested interest of the site.  For example, while the above are fundamentally educational sites, others are sponsored by online retailers or individual funeral homes.  So, always consider the source.

I encourage you to take the time NOW to research these and other websites so you are prepared someday when you least expect to need them.  This brief education will go a long way to prepare you to step up when called upon to actually plan a funeral or memorial to honor one of your loved ones.

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The Grace Project: Transforming Our Ideal of Female Beauty

There is not a woman in this country who has been immune to the experience of finding herself falling short of the commercial, albeit airbrushed, ideal of female beauty that bombards us every day. Comparing ourselves to this unreal standard of beauty gives us a sense of being unworthy, a failure, unable to measure up. Many women live with an insidious undercurrent of self-loathing as a result. Many dread seeing a picture of themselves or trying on a bathing suit or undressing before a new lover. Women are encouraged to live with a belief that we are not, and will never be, beautiful unless we “fix” our “imperfections” through diet, exercise, surgery, or Spanx.

Isis Charise, a photographer in Kingston, NY and the founder of The Grace Project, is doing her part to change all that. She has a way of photographing women of all shapes, sizes, ages, and ethnicities that provides a doorway for them to access a connection within themselves through which they are able to recognize themselves as beautiful women. Isis facilitates their process of taking ownership of and embodying a deeper, perennial, and more authentic kind of beauty.

In the Grace Project, Isis is bringing her transformational photography to women who have had mastectomies — giving them permission to see themselves as beautiful and whole. She offers her subjects two very powerful metaphors that allow them to see themselves through new eyes. Referencing the Venice de Milo, Isis reminds the women she photographs that this sculpture became even more beautiful after losing its arms to the trauma of history. The other metaphor she shares is the Japanese art of kintsugi, meaning “golden joinery” whereby the cracks of a broken bowl are filled with gold dust and adhesive. Symbolically, the point is not to try to restore something to “as good as new” but rather to incorporate the brokenness into enhanced beauty that is “better than new.” Isis’ subjects are liberated from society’s standard of beauty and are able to see the brokenness of their bodies in a way that has given them a greater power, peacefulness, and beauty.

A recent exhibit of the Grace Project images at the Greene County Council for the Arts demonstrated that these images are also transformational for the viewer. One of the gallery employees shared the story of a burly man who walked into the gallery and was brought to tears by these images. His mother had recently had a double mastectomy and he had never seen what it had done to her body. Several weeks later, his mother ended up in hospital and he was called upon to care for her and dress her. He came back into the gallery to thank them because had he not seen Isis’ images he would never have been prepared to help his mother in such an intimate and nurturing way.

Another man viewing these images said that at first he didn’t even notice that these women’s breasts were scarred or missing. He was captivated by the power of each woman’s presence and initially just saw beautiful pictures of beautiful women.

One of Isis’ subjects is a 58-year old woman currently living with Stage 4 metastatic Breast Cancer. She spoke of her experience facing a bilateral mastectomy. “I had no idea what my body would look like after surgery or what would happen to my body. Someone told me about Isis’s work and I looked at these images of women who looked at peace with their bodies whether they had reconstructed or not. It opened up for me the option of not having reconstructive surgery. I could choose to save my life doing this. I could picture that I would be a whole person afterwards.” On one level, she now views her cancer as a gift saying “somehow through this journey I have reconnected to the part of myself that is the most melike when I was ten or eleven or in my 20s. I have arrived in a powerful place through this journey and the choice to forego reconstruction.”

Another woman wrote to Isis referencing the fact that during her photo shoot she had been referring to her Frankenboob. Seeing her photographs, she had come to realize that her breast sacrificed itself so she could have however many years she has left, and vowed to never use that derogatory term again.

Barbara Sarah is a 21-year Breast Cancer survivor who acknowledged we have come a long way from back in the day when “a breast was only something on a chicken or turkey or robin. It was not a word that we used. Now “breast” has become part of the vocabulary and visually what Isis is doing is dealing with the taboo about looking and witnessing.” Barbara, like many Breast Cancer survivors, has devoted herself to serve others. Nineteen years ago, she founded what is now known as the Oncology Support Program of HealthAlliance of the Hudson Valley in New York. The philosophical underpinnings of this group are rooted in Japanese Buddhist psychology focused on being grounded in living in the now, paying attention, being grateful, and living fully in the moment. “I thought that would be a great philosophy for working with cancer patients,” Barbara said. “It’s not just talking about cancer, it’s about how do you live a life with meaning and purpose?”

I am not a woman dealing with Breast Cancer. However, my relationship with my body has been profoundly uplifted by seeing these images. I hope they will give you a better appreciation for how important it is that a woman’s sense of wholeness and beauty come from within her and not be diminished by false external standards.

The images of the Grace Project have the potential to be the new and healthy faces we put on Breast Cancer. Please visit and “like” the Grace website and Facebook.

The Grace Project: Breast Cancer Portraits

View Slideshow Gallery

The project is a not-for-profit 501c3 under the “Artspire” program of the New York Foundation for the Arts.

  • To learn more about Grace Crowd funding campaign before December 31st click here.

 

 

I invite your generosity.

Current Grace Project initiatives that need your support include:

  • Photographing a total of 120 racially and geographically diverse women of all ages who have had mastectomies (25 have been photographed to date). There are many women around the country waiting to be photographed and, unfortunately, the clock is ticking for many of them.
  • Producing two books. One is a collector’s edition of fine art prints. The other is envisioned to be a mass-produced and freely distributed version for which corporate sponsorship is being sought so these images can serve newly diagnosed women as an alternative visual reference to the scary and clinical images they are currently being shown. These images belong in breast cancer resource centers, hospitals, oncology support centers, and the offices of plastic surgeons.
  • Creating a traveling exhibition and pop up gallery throughout the country that can be part of local Breast Cancer awareness events, fund raising walks, foundation galas, or exhibitions at galleries, museums, hospitals, and oncology centers. Isis would like the exhibit to provide a forum for women to talk to each other about Breast Cancer options, issues, and individual choices.

 

Please feel free to contact Isis directly at isisimages@yahoo.com if:

  • you have ideas, connections or comments you would like to share.
  • you are a gallery, museum, or Cancer Support organization interested in scheduling an exhibition.
  • you are a philanthropic, or corporate entity interested in providing funding.
  • you have been moved by these images and would like to share your experience with Isis.

 

Please spread the word and help these images and the Grace Project go viral. What a wonderful gift to us all this holiday season — especially these brave women who have shared their images.
Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

If you would like to know more about me, please visit my website at http://www.judithjohnson.com

If you would like to suggest a topic for a future blog or ask me to address a particular situation or issue, please email me at judithjohnson@hvc.rr.com

To view my Huffington Post archive click here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-johnson


Note: All images in the slide show and video have been provided by Isis Charise who has received a signed model release from all of the women appearing in the photographs.

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How to Get the Best Wedding Pictures

Aside from choosing the right photographer, there are a number of specific things that you can do to support your photographer in doing his or her job really well. I interviewed the following four photographers* for this article and have included photos from each in the slideshow:

Cynthia DelConte
www.dayfornightproductions.com
cynthia@delcontephoto.com

Jean Kallina
www.hudsonvalleyphoto.com
jeankallina@gmail.com

Matt Gillis
www.mattgillis.com
matt@mattgillis.com

Roy Volkmann
www.volkmann-studio.com
info@volkmann-studio.com

[slideshow_deploy id=’893′]

The 2 biggest keys to success are:

• Relax, be natural and have fun. Remember that this is a day to enjoy being with your family and friends to celebrate your marriage. Smile, relax, enjoy, and don’t drink too much. Artificial smiles look artificial. If you tend to be nervous or particularly self-conscious, address that by doing whatever relaxes you best other than drugs or alcohol. Consider meditating, having a body or facial massage, a yoga class, or going for a run ahead of time.

• Get really great and professional hair and makeup. Even if you want a natural look, there is a specialized kind of makeup for photography. For example, you do not want makeup with mica in it because it makes you look sweaty. Be sure to do a test run for your hair and makeup and have pictures taken then to see if there is anything you want to change. Also, hire your hair and makeup people for the day of your wedding so they can do touch ups as needed. Be sure to ask your photographer for hair and makeup recommendations – they know who to use and who to avoid.

Here are the other great recommendations these photographers made:

• Create a timeline with your photographer. This is not the same thing as a timeline you set with your bridal consultant, location coordinator, or your hair and makeup people. The photographer’s timeline is specifically designed to ensure that you will get the balance you want between formal and informal shots and that you are being realistic about your preferences and priorities, and the tradeoffs that you are making. Keep your group portrait shots to a minimum and be very selective about your list of “must have shots.” Don’t over plan the photographer’s shots. Give your photographer the freedom to do what he or she does best – let the candid shots tell the real story of your wedding day. A great, experienced photographer knows how to schedule the day so it goes with ease and yields great pictures. Seek and follow your photographer’s advice.

• Consider the pros and cons of a first reveal.
Pros:
o If the ceremony is late in the day, then you have time to do all your family portraits outdoors earlier in the day and not miss your own cocktail hour when you would otherwise be doing these shots.

Cons:

o First reveal shots are always somewhat contrived – if the groom doesn’t look absolutely thrilled to see what the bride is wearing, the pictures may be unfortunate.

o You are likely to be taking your group pictures during the hottest part of the day in bad lighting.

o When group pictures are taken before the ceremony, everyone is likely to be wound up and not as relaxed as after the ceremony.

o A first reveal shot forfeits the thrill of that one moment when the bride walks down the aisle and everyone sees her for the first time. As an officiant, this is one of my personal favorite moments – watching the groom as his bride appears.

• Don’t forget about feeding your photographer and other vendors. Your photographer is constantly on duty and puts in a very long day. Schedule time and a comfortable place for your vendors to sit, relax, and have a meal – preferably at the same time as your guests are eating. Be good to your vendors and make sure that you are paying for and getting full plated meals for them from the venue.

• 2 considerations about getting ready pictures. If you want pictures of getting ready – have someone on hand to clean the room up so it doesn’t look chaotic and unsightly. Also, be realistic in terms of what you ask for and what you are paying for. For example, you can’t have shots of both parties getting ready without a second shooter.

• Avoid serving cocktails before the ceremony. Glasses and beer bottles inevitably end up in your ceremony pictures. Also, alcohol before the ceremony sends a mixed message by prematurely creating a party atmosphere.

• Have an unplugged wedding. Have someone make an announcement for your guests to turn off their cellphones before the wedding ceremony and to refrain from taking pictures during the event. You are spending big money on a professional photographer who is often blocked from capturing great shots because guests are holding phones in the air or sticking them out into the aisle. This means the photographer doesn’t get the shot, and instead gets a picture of the guests taking pictures.

• Do not use a stand-up microphone to amplify the couple and officiant. A stand-up mic can be an eyesore in an otherwise gorgeous shot. Besides being unattractive, it rarely gives satisfactory results. Most couples are nervous, few have any experience with how close they have to place their mouth to the mic, and there is no time to gracefully change the height of the mic as needed. All this adds up to awkwardness and uneven amplification at best. A far better solution is to have good quality lapel mics for the officiant and the groom.

• Anticipate potential problems your decorations might create. Sometimes, in an effort to make the ceremony site more interesting and festive, photographic challenges can be created. For example, I have often done battle with floral decorations on an arch that poked me in the head or face. These decorations can also cast shadows on the participants’ faces. The same can be true with a huppah. Large floral bouquets placed in front of the wedding party can block the view of guests or cut off great angles for the photographer.

• Take advantage of gorgeous lighting. The best natural lighting for pictures is when it is overcast, late afternoon, or at sunrise or a half hour before sunset – the golden hour. High noon casts shadows rather than light on faces. If the dinner hour happens to be when the sun is setting, consider taking some relaxed, reflective photos of the two of you at a distance just being together.

• Make sure your photographer and videographer coordinate. If you are going to have a videographer, ask your photographer for a recommendation. They know who they will be able to work most easily with and who they have had difficulties with in the past. Some videographers are unconscious of their effect on the photographer and can be fighting for the same pictures rather than knowing how to stay out of each other’s way. Videographers sometimes have cameras set up all over the place that interfere with the photographer’s ability to be in the moment trying to get the shot. As an officiant, I have been troubled by the lights some videographers shine directly in my eyes, preventing me from being able to make eye contact with the couple and guests.
The same issue applies if your DJ has people taking pictures to put up on screens. This might not only be a nuisance for your photographer but a violation of his or her contract as well. From a photographer’s point of view, DJ’s often bring cheap lighting, such as laser lights that cast little dots all over the faces of the couple and guests. This gives the photographer no choice but to shoot pictures in black and white only. Color lighting used by a videographer or DJ can be disastrous for the photographer as well. Magenta lighting, for example, makes people look like they are hemorrhaging. Ask your photographer and videographer to come up with a joint plan so both their needs can be met.

• Pacing of the processional and recessional is important. If you want your photographer to be able to get good shots of everyone coming up and down the aisle, a good rule of thumb is to have each person wait for the person or couple in front of them to pass the first or last row of guests before taking their turn.

• The larger your wedding party, the more important it is to have a rehearsal. The chaos and confusion that is apparent when there has not been a good rehearsal shows up in all your pictures.

• No one is invisible when the cameras are around. Here are some specific tidbits of advice:
o Stand up straight, be as natural as possible, smile, and be alert.

o Make sure no one is wearing transition lenses or sunglasses.

o Have bridesmaids all hold their flowers at belly button height.

o Give groomsmen specific directions of what to do with their hands (my personal favorite is behind their back – holding hands folded in front communicates sexual insecurity in non-verbal communication).

• Consider having ceremony pictures with and without the bridal bouquet. You spend a lot for your flowers, so it’s nice to have a few ceremony pictures with them. Just have the officiant cue you after the first or second ceremony segment to pass off your flowers so you and your partner can then hold hands.

• Have someone make a final check of the aisle just before the ceremony is about to begin. This allows for asking people to move anything they have in the aisle that will otherwise show up in all your pictures. If a wheelchair is needed for someone, be sure that during the ceremony it is not left near the aisle.

• Don’t use an aisle runner. They always wrinkle and only work if they look perfect and they are never perfect. Furthermore, most of them are white and stand out glaringly in your aisle shots.

• Foster direct communication between your vendors as needed. Be sensitive to the fact that there are politics and past experiences coloring the relationships among vendors. Some wedding planners do not allow direct communication between vendors. Everything must go through them. This can work against your best interests as wedding planners aren’t always knowledgeable or sensitive to all the considerations that affect a vendor’s ability to do a great job for you.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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