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If I Were Queen: The Power of Vulnerability and Letting Go of Control

What if the way we protect ourselves is also what keeps us from feeling fully alive?

For many years, I found myself saying, “If I were queen…” whenever I felt frustrated with the way people behave and the way the world works. This was long before “No Kings” became a thing.

I objected to so many things. Selfishness. Greed. Deception. Violence. Irresponsibility. Betrayal. Ignorance. Corruption. Incompetence. Apathy. Denial. Lying. Cheating. Stealing. I could go on and on. Whenever I observed or experienced these things, they stirred something deep within me. A sadness that felt ancient. A rage that simmered just beneath the surface.

Over time, that sadness and rage built to the point where I felt the need to protect myself from further hurt. It took me a long time to realize that I was living my life as if I had both arms extended out in front of me like stop signs. Somehow, I had come to believe that I needed to keep everyone and everything at arm’s length so no one could hurt me.

But that way of living came at a cost.

Have you ever noticed yourself doing something like this?

Learning Vulnerability

Then I began to understand the power of vulnerability not as a concept, but as a lived experience. I discovered that vulnerability is not weakness. It is the doorway to truth, connection, and freedom.

I came to see that in protecting myself from being hurt, I was also preventing myself from being known. In hiding, I cut myself off from love, belonging, and inner peace. I may have appeared strong on the outside, but something essential within me remained untouched.

Little by little, I practiced vulnerability and dissolved that barrier. Vulnerability asked something different of me. I needed the willingness to be seen as I am, without trying to manage how others might perceive me. I needed to tell the truth of my experience, even when that truth was imperfect, uncertain, or tender.

This became an entirely new way of being for me. It was as though I was rewiring my energy flow. Instead of having my discontent automatically flow into sadness, rage, and self-protection, I was consciously choosing to let down my guard and let life in.

A Different Way of Being

I found myself standing in reality rather than in my ideas about how life should be.

Something fundamental began to shift. The tectonic plates of my life were moving. My goal was no longer to sanitize my life of pain or discomfort. Of course, I still preferred ease over suffering, but not at the expense of closing myself off from what life had to teach me.

As I listened more deeply within, I found a different kind of truth and stability. It was not based on control, but was rooted in presence. I began to move out of fear and resistance and into a quiet sense of aliveness and wholeness as I learned to participate in my life.

I discovered how to harvest the wisdom hidden within some of my most difficult experiences. And I noticed that the more I was willing to lift my view above my preferences and judgments, the less I found myself resisting reality. In place of my objections came acceptance, cooperation, and understanding.

This is the hero’s journey of my life.

It is about learning to fully inhabit being me. And meeting life as it is, while doing the best I can to care for my own well-being no matter what unfolds. I no longer need to run away from my life or try to change it. I need to live it. I need to be at home right inside myself.

And when I still catch myself slipping into “If I were queen,” I smile and breathe into whatever it is that is scaring me. I remind myself that I am not here to rule the world. I am here to meet it, and to help others do the same.

There is nothing wrong with wanting the world to be better. The question is what it costs us when we resist the one we are actually living in.

Understanding my own life’s journey has deepened what I have to offer through my mentoring and writings. I call this approach the Consciousness Ecology Method™️. It is designed to help us navigate the beautiful, sacred messiness of being human.

If something in this speaks to you, you are warmly invited to explore this work more deeply here.

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How Is Your Version of the Truth Working for You?

 

Opening Story

Living alone, I have often found it difficult to ask for help when I need it. After a knee replacement surgery, I called my friend June and asked if she could pick up lunch for me while she was out running errands.

I expected an immediate “Yes, of course.”

But, she hesitated, then began listing everything she had to do. She needed to take her dog to the vet, pick up a prescription, shop for a dress for an upcoming party, and meet Karen for lunch. As she spoke, I could feel my body tighten and my irritation rise.

What I heard was not a full schedule. What I heard was that I did not matter.

I had always been willing to help her and assumed she would do the same. I did not want to hear about all the things that were higher on her priority list than I was. I wanted her to respond differently. I wanted her to be the kind of friend who would not hesitate. Someone I could count on without question.

This was one of many moments that eventually led me to see how much energy I was spending resisting reality rather than dealing with it.

Over time, I began to understand that nothing could shift in situations like this until I accepted what was actually happening. I had to stop wanting what I wished were happening or believed should be happening. To do so required that I turn my attention inward and begin to see the dynamics that were unfolding within me. June was not the problem in the way I believed she was. My interpretation of the situation was. I came to realize how often my mind was filtering reality through old assumptions and unmet emotional needs.

Changing Your Relationship to Your Perceptions

The next time you find yourself reacting strongly to a situation or to someone else’s behavior, pause and take a breath. Then, instead of directing your attention outward in judgment, gently turn inward.

Ask yourself how you are interpreting the situation. Notice what belief or expectation has been activated. Become curious about why this moment feels charged. In doing so, you begin to shift from resisting what is happening to understanding your experience of it.

There are, of course, times when it is appropriate to express a preference or stand your ground. But it is helpful to remember that each of us is responding not to reality itself, but to our perception of it. And that point of view is shaped by a lifetime of experiences, beliefs, and conditioning that operate largely outside of our awareness.

A Useful Reframe

We live in a constant state of data bombardment. Research suggests that while the conscious mind processes a relatively small amount of information each second, the unconscious mind processes exponentially more. In order to function, the mind must filter.

Like the default settings on a computer, the conclusions we have drawn from past experiences quietly determine what we notice, how we interpret it, and what we believe it means. Unless we bring these filters into awareness, they continue to shape our experience automatically.

The challenge is that we do not recognize our perceptions as interpretations. We experience them as truth.

A simple reframe can begin to loosen that grip. Instead of assuming, “I think therefore it is true,” it would be more accurate to say, “I think therefore I had a thought.” That shift may seem small, but it creates space between you and your perception. And in that space, new understanding becomes possible.

Living From the Inside Out

As you begin to recognize your perceptions as interpretations rather than facts, your relationship to life starts to change. You become less reactive and more reflective. You find yourself less dependent on others behaving in a certain way in order for you to feel at ease.

Rather than trying to manage what is happening around you, you begin to work more skillfully with what is happening within you. This is where a deeper sense of steadiness and freedom emerges, not from controlling life, but from understanding your experience of it.

Closing Reflection

So, I will leave you with this question.

In your life right now, what is a situation or relationship where you feel out of balance but certain that your point of view is true? What story are you telling yourself about what it means?

And most importantly, how is that version of the truth working for you?

Is it bringing you closer to peace, clarity, and connection, or is it reinforcing tension, frustration, or distance?

An Invitation

Seeing how much your inner filters shape your experience opens the door to meaningful change. This is the foundation of the work I do with individuals and couples, learning how to recognize these patterns, understand them, and gradually shift them in a way that feels grounded and sustainable.

If you would like to explore this more deeply, I invite you to learn more about my mentoring work here. And if you are just beginning, you can start with my free guide, The Real Secret to True Happiness Lies Within. It introduces a more compassionate and empowering way of relating to your inner world.

It really helps to realize that ultimately, it is not simply what happens in your life that determines your experience, but the way you come to see it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Why Do I Feel Unsettled When Everything Is Fine?

You wake up, get out of bed, move through your morning routine, and nothing is technically wrong.

Your life is functioning.
Your calendar is full.
You are doing what needs to be done.

And yet, somewhere beneath the surface, there is a faint sense of unease.
Not dramatic.
Not urgent.
Just there.

You might not even have words for it. Only the feeling that something does not quite land the way it used to.

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. And it does not mean anything is wrong with you.

When “Fine” Stops Feeling Fine

Many people reach a point where life looks good from the outside, yet feels strangely flat or unsettled on the inside.

There is no obvious problem to solve, which can make the experience even more confusing. You may tell yourself you should be grateful. You may dismiss the feeling or stay busy so you do not have to sit with it for long.

Still, the unsettled feeling lingers.

What is often happening is not that something is wrong, but that something inside you is asking for attention.

The Inner Dynamic at Play

Most of us are taught how to manage life far better than we are taught how to inhabit it.

We learn to meet expectations, fulfill roles, and keep things moving. Over time, this creates momentum. Momentum can carry us surprisingly far without requiring us to pause and check in with ourselves.

When external demands ease, or when we slow down enough to notice, the inner world finally speaks. That unsettled feeling is often the first signal that you have been living more from habit than from presence.

It is not a failure. It is awareness beginning to come online.

Three Insights That Can Shift How You See This Feeling

First, feeling unsettled does not mean something is wrong with you.

It often means something is becoming conscious. Awareness rarely arrives as clarity. It usually arrives as discomfort first.

Second, this feeling often appears at a growth edge.

When who you have been no longer fits, but what is next has not yet taken shape, the in-between can feel uneasy. That does not mean you are lost. It means you are in transition.

Third, trying to get rid of the feeling usually intensifies it.

When discomfort is labeled as a problem, the mind quickly shifts into fixing mode. Ironically, this is what keeps us disconnected. What this feeling usually needs is not correction, but curiosity.

A Story From Real Life

I have sat with many people who begin by saying some version of, “I do not know why I am here. Nothing is really wrong.”

And yet, as they speak, something softens when they finally allow themselves to name what they have been feeling. Relief does not come from solving anything. It comes from being met with understanding.

I have experienced this myself. There have been seasons when everything in my life looked stable and settled, yet I felt quietly off balance. Looking back, those moments marked important turning points. Not because I forced change, but because I stopped dismissing what I felt.

A Simple Next Step

If you recognize yourself in this, here is a simple practice to try over the coming week.

When that unsettled feeling shows up, pause.
Name it silently.
Instead of asking, “How do I make this go away?” ask, “What might this be inviting me to notice?”

No answers are required. Just attention.

Often, that alone begins to shift how we experience our lives.

A Closing Thought

You do not need to fix yourself to feel more at home in your life. What is often missing is attention, not improvement.

If this reflection resonated, you may enjoy exploring other posts in the Consciousness / Thriving section of my blog. And if you would like a deeper exploration of how inner awareness shapes our experience, you can also download my free guide, The Real Secret to True Happiness Lies Within.

Take what resonates. Leave the rest.
Judith

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Leaving the Past Behind

Are you keeping your past alive in the present? Or have you harvested its lessons and learned from it? We all have scars from our past. But what do we do with them now? That’s a really important question.

In mentoring clients, I typically find that their current distress mirrors unresolved upsets from the past. For example, Ellen who was never able to feel loved by her father. She has now been repeatedly drawing men into her with whom she also failed to experience love. Why did this happen? Think of it as a karmic pattern that is seeking healing.

Your life will continue to replicate an unresolved situation until you are able to neutralize the state of consciousness from which you relate to it.

Ellen was caught in a pattern in which she had convinced herself that she was fundamentally unlovable. As I observed her, I noticed that she was turned off by men who liked her. Instead, she was attracted to those who gave her no encouragement and treated her badly.

Could it be that she was simply staying in her comfort zone? This is counter-intuitive but typical. She knew herself as a woman who was rejected by the men whose affection she wanted. That became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

She didn’t know how to be a woman loved by men. Through her eyes as a child, she recognized that her father didn’t show her love. But she had falsely concluded that the reason was because she was unlovable. As a child, she could not see that he had difficulty expressing his caring for others. She carried that unchallenged belief forward into adulthood until we were able to expose it and release it together.

She came to see that the faulty conclusion of her past was inhibiting her from experiencing love in the present. It was wonderful to watch her realize that she had the power to change how she saw herself. She began taking pride in herself and replacing her old, self-rejecting belief with appreciation for her own goodness. As a result the affection of good men became desirable to her.

She stepped out of the belief that she was unlovable. She left the past behind. I asked her what life lesson this had taught her. She told me she learned to pay attention to her own beliefs about herself when in situations that were difficult for her to see if she was sabotaging herself.

I had a similar situation during a recent weight loss journey. I reached a plateau and couldn’t get the scale to move despite following all the rules. In observing myself, I realized the issue was emotional. In listening to my self-talk, I kept hearing, “I don’t know her.” When I explored this, I recognized that I was afraid to go past that particular number on the scale. In my mind it represented a level of success with which I was not comfortable. I knew how to be almost successful, but I didn’t know how to go for and get the brass ring of success. It took several months before I was able to break through this barrier. Now I am learning new life skills and a level of self-trust that was not apparent and therefore not available to me before.

When we become too familiar with failure, we have to push through our own resistance to the unfamiliar territory of success.

Leaving the past behind often requires that we recognize the ways we sabotage ourselves out of fear of moving into the unknown. Being good at failing and being disappointed doesn’t mean you can’t also be really good at success and exceeding your dreams. It simply requires a new point of view.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?
If so, please share it with them. 

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Practicing Soul Awareness

What does it mean to be a soul? Conceptually, in its most general definition, being a soul has to do with living in part as a non-physical being. In other words, part of our “self” is beyond time and space and, according to some religious traditions, is divine in nature.

On a practical level, what does it mean to exist in a body with a personality, mind, and emotions and yet to exist beyond all that on a dimension that cannot be adequately captured in language? How can I be something I cannot even talk about? 

I find myself most aware of being a soul or spiritual being when I experience a sense of oneness with another person, my cat, a tree, a flower, or a butterfly. In other words, for a fleeting or lingering moment I merge with the other, and all the definitive ways in which we are different are of no consequence. They disappear from my awareness while I experience a sweet oneness with the other. Sometimes I practice this walking down the street and intentionally make eye contact with another and smiling, invite them in. Some come, some do not. Yet, we all have that capacity. 

I have discovered that practicing soul awareness is a great way to break free of my judgments of myself and others. When someone really gets on my last nerve, for example, I could go on and on, telling myself all the things I don’t like about that person and how wrong they are for behaving as they do. I have that choice, but I have come to realize that only makes me increasingly unhappy. I have another choice. I can lift into the oneness that joins me together with this person and feed that awareness instead of building up my unhappiness. I may find myself continuously allergic to this person’s personality. However, every time I am bothered by that dimension of their expression, I have the option of shifting dimensions and focusing instead into that non-physical dimension where we are all one. The mere act of shifting my focus reminds me that I have a choice and that either choice has consequences. If I can be conscious enough to see this option I can save myself a lot of heartache. I can also be part of the solution of greater kindness I choose to participate in rather than allowing myself to fall back into creating more negative vibes. 

Each choice each of us makes like this is like casting a vote for the kind of world we want to live in. So, what we are doing within our own inner awareness really does have an impact on our collective consciousness. Each of us in our own inner worlds is contributing to the quality of consciousness we share. Imagine the upside potential of each of us choosing to strengthen our soul awareness instead of judging and rejecting each other. Are you willing to practice soul awareness by being a mental and emotional ecologist? 

For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here.  If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!

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The Trouble with Assumptions and Expectations

Assumptions and expectations carry the same fatal flaw – they create a preconceived notion about the future that we relate to as if it should become reality.

When life unfolds and doesn’t match our assumption or expectation we can be caught off-guard and unprepared for what has happened. Here is a simple demonstration I use to help clients reconcile their disappointments caused by holding preconceived notions.

On a blank sheet of paper, put a dot in the bottom left corner representing reality. Then a dot in the top right corner denotes your preconceived expectations and assumptions. When reality doesn’t turn out as you expect or want it to, you connect these dots with negative emotional reactions in an effort to resolve the tension.

The insidious part of this is that it is usually happening without our awareness. We end up blaming and judging others for not measuring up to our imagined reality.

By setting up preconceived notions about how we want our experiences to be, we plant the seeds of our own unhappiness. 

Consider the following scenario: Jane and Nash are on their third date. He picked her up in his car, and they had a nice time together at dinner. They went to a comedy club, and then to a bar for drinks. He invited her to come home with him away from the city where she lives. She was caught off-guard, and wasn’t on the same page in terms of where they are in the relationship. She paniced, and said no. He was annoyed and sarcastically suggested she pay for their drinks. He cut the evening short, and sent her home in an Uber.

Nash had an agenda. He assumed that they would have sex on their third date and expected her to say yes. When she didn’t, he was mad and acted that out by having her pay for the drinks and go home in a cab. His preconceived reality did not have room in it for her to behave any differently than he wanted her to.

How might this have looked if he wasn’t operating out of expectations and assumptions? Here are two possibilities. Had Nash been more tuned in to Jane’s reality he might have realized she wasn’t ready to take their relationship to the next level. Instead of inviting her home, he could have affirmed his affection for her and asked her how she was feeling about their relationship. Or, he might have gone ahead with his invitation but been open-minded about her response. In either of these two alternate scenarios, Nash would have been staying present in the moment and emotionally open and free in relationship to Jane’s experience. His focus would be more on wanting to know her better than demanding that she want what he wants when he wants it.

Here are some good questions to ask yourself:

  • Where do expectations and assumptions get in my way? 
  • Do I, or someone I know, behave in a way that is “my way or the highway”? 
  • Do I have any personal or professional relationships that repeatedly get snagged in misunderstandings, judgements, or a lack of cooperation? Do I see patterns of assumptions and expectations on either side that are preventing a healthy flow in the relationship?
  • In what ways do I demand that reality be the way I want it to be rather than the way it is?
  • What can I do to be more trusting of my ability to adapt to the realities of my life?

 

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?
If so, please share it with them. 
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