My friend Roy was a great teacher for me. He was a retired farmer who had dropped out of school at an early age. But, he had more wisdom than most of the world’s great scholars. I remember when I used to complain to him about other people who did things I didn’t like. When I sought his validation of my point of view, he would simply say, “It’s different.”
He got me thinking about how I thought about differences.
Different ≠ wrong.
Our internal data processing determines the our perception of reality. When we judge someone, we think we are reacting to an external reality. In fact, we are simply encountering our own internal interpretation.
Most of us are indoctrinated into a binary model of thinking. We are taught to sort people and experiences into right/wrong, beautiful/ugly, desirable/undesirable, good/bad, and so on. In fact, life is far more complex and messy than that.
Learned biases and preferences short-circuit the process of developing curiosity about those differences that we are taught to reject. There is a built-in bias against diversity in this way of encountering unfamiliar people and experiences. Therefore, diversity requires a new way of perceiving beyond our autopilot right/wrong sorting process.
In a binary approach there are only two choices. That means if we encounter someone who is different, we can’t both be “right” or “OK.” As a result, we develop very narrow tolerances. In this context, differences are threatening.
When we are quick to judge, we shut ourselves down. We close ourselves off from additional information available to us. Our myopic view blinds us from alternative ways of seeing ourselves, others, and new situations.
Right/wrong thinking fails to nurture our curiosity, enthusiasm, and openness to all kinds of people and experiences.
The best way to override dualistic thinking is to activate your curiosity by calling on your inner detective.
When we become curious, we open ourselves up, and draw ourselves closer to those we don’t understand rather than shutting them out or pushing them away.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it can save us from many a faulty assumption, preconceived notion, and narrow-minded interpretation of our shared reality. It is a vital key to rising above the limitations of right/wrong thinking.
Choose to be open and curious next time you encounter someone or something that threatens your preconceived notions of how things should be. Practice developing greater tolerance of differences and curiosity about how others see and experience our shared world. See if you can expand your comfort zone by choosing a both/and rather than an either/or state of mind.
Instead of making different perspectives wrong, inquire and invite dialogue for the purpose of gaining a deeper appreciation for other points of view. The simple fact is that differences do exist. They don’t have to be perceived as a threat. It’s how we choose to respond that makes all the difference in the world about our ability to peacefully co-exist or to wage wars against each other.
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