Why Being the Responsible One Can Leave You Feeling Empty

You are the one who remembers.
Who follows through.
Who handles things when they fall apart.

Others rely on you. Things work because you are there.

And yet, at times, you feel inexplicably tired or flat. Not burned out exactly. Just quietly worn down.

If you are honest, there may be moments when you wonder how you became the strong one, and when that role started costing you more than you realized.

When Responsibility Becomes an Identity

Many people step into responsibility early. Sometimes it is expected. Sometimes it is simply what needs to be done.

Over time, being capable becomes familiar. Others come to depend on it. And without noticing, responsibility shifts from something you do into something you are.

From the outside, it looks admirable. From the inside, it can feel isolating.

What Is Happening Beneath the Surface

When you are the responsible one, you are often attending to what others need while quietly setting your own needs aside.

Not consciously.
Not resentfully.
Just habitually.

Over time, this creates an imbalance. You may be deeply involved, highly functional, and emotionally present for others, while feeling strangely disconnected from yourself.

The emptiness does not come from caring too much.
It comes from being consistently absent from your own inner life.

Three Insights That Can Shift How You See This Pattern

First, responsibility is not the same as intimacy.

Being needed can feel like closeness, but it often replaces mutuality. True connection requires space for both people to be impacted, not just supported.

Second, over-functioning slowly erodes desire.

When one person carries most of the emotional weight, there is little room left for spontaneity, curiosity, or shared aliveness.

Third, resentment is often delayed honesty.

It is not a character flaw. It is information. It signals that something true has gone unspoken for too long.

A Story Many People Recognize

I have worked with many couples where one partner says, “I do not know when it happened, but I stopped feeling like myself.”

Often, that person has been holding the relationship together for years. Making things work. Anticipating needs. Avoiding disruption.

Relief does not come from assigning blame. It comes from naming the pattern out loud and realizing it did not begin with a failure, but with an adaptation.

A Simple Next Step

If this resonates, notice where responsibility shows up automatically in your relationships.

Not to change it.
Not to correct it.

Just to see it.

Ask yourself, “What do I consistently take care of that no one has asked me to carry?”

That question alone can begin to restore balance.

A Closing Thought

Responsibility can be a strength. It becomes a burden when it replaces mutual presence.

If this reflection resonates, you may want to explore other posts in the Relationships section of my blog, where I write about emotional dynamics, connection, and the patterns that quietly shape how we relate.

Take what resonates. Leave the rest.

Judith

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Different Is Not Wrong: The Missing Skill in Most Relationships

At the heart of every relationship is a simple and often challenging truth: the other person is not you. They do not think like you, perceive the world like you, or experience life through your nervous system. They are living inside an entirely different inner universe.

Different is not wrong.

What often feels threatening is not the difference itself, but the discomfort it stirs in us when our expectations are not met.

As a mentor to couples, I often discover that the dissonance people experience in their relationships stems from an inability to accept their differences. Many react on autopilot in a familiar pattern that goes something like this:
“I’m not happy. It must be your fault. Let me tell you what you’re doing wrong so you can change and I can finally feel better.”

The next time you notice yourself judging your partner, or anyone else, as wrong, try pausing and exploring the moment through a different lens. Consider the following reflections to see if you can gain value from the experience rather than polarizing into a right versus wrong stance:

  • Different does not automatically mean wrong.
  • In what way does this difference feel uncomfortable for me?
  • What am I trying to accomplish by making the other person wrong?
  • How am I responding, and why?
  • Can I acknowledge that their experience is as valid for them as mine is for me?
  • What is the most loving response available to me in this moment?

Relationships are not static. Each of us is a living ecosystem, moving through space and time in a constant state of change. Being in relationship with another ecosystem challenges us to create a partnership where difference is not a threat, but a source of expansion and shared growth.

A healthy partnership asks us to honor both our individuality and our shared experience, without sacrificing one for the other.

Rather than polarizing into blame when something feels off, couples can shift toward shared responsibility for the quality of the relationship. Instead of finger-pointing, there is an invitation to turn toward one another and ask together, What do we need to do here for this to work for both of us?

My Couples Mentoring work is not about convincing anyone to change or deciding who is right. It is an invitation to look honestly at how your relationship is functioning and to work together to create a path forward that truly celebrates your oneness while honoring your differences.

If this way of approaching relationship resonates with you, I invite you to visit my website to learn more about how I support couples in doing this work together.

 

 

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Keeping The Doors Of Love Open In Your Relationship

Does your relationship provide a safe emotional environment for you both?

Are you free to be who you are?

Or, do you edit yourself around your partner to avoid negative reactions?

Do you walk on eggshells around each other?

I used to officiate at a lot of weddings. And, because I also offer couple’s mentoring, my friends often would kid me about a potential conflict of interest. They asked me, “What do you do? Do you say, ‘I now pronounce you husband and wife. And, if you get in trouble, here’s my card.’?”

The sad truth is at least half of couples will end up divorced.

It seems that loving, honoring and cherishing each other is easier said than done. These three promises that we make in our marriage vows are not just nice concepts. They are daily activities. They must be engaged in each and every day to keep a marriage healthy and dynamic.

One of the greatest keys to creating the kind of environment where loving, honoring and cherishing each other will occur is captured in my favorite wedding ring exchange. It symbolizes the true essence of a successful marriage.

Each partner places a ring on the other’s finger only up to the knuckle while pledging his/her love. The recipient takes the ring over the knuckle as acknowledgement of receipt of the gift of the other’s love. In this way, each one declares their awareness that they are both the giver and the receiver of love.

In order for the exchange of love between two people to remain alive and vibrant, four things have to be happening at once. Each partner must openly give his or her love to the other. They also must be open to receive the love of the other.

When these four doors of love are open, both partners feel safe and nurtured in the love they share. It behooves us all to pay far greater attention to the responsibility we have taken on through our promises in the wedding vows. They are not simply pretty words; they represent sacred commitments, and it is important that we keep our promises. We do so, or not, through the choices we make and the behaviors we express moment by moment, day by day, and year after year.

It’s easy to slam one of these symbolic doors shut when our partner disappoints us in some way. When that becomes the normal way we respond to each other, the trust, safety and foundation of the relationship is eroded. In time, alienation, judgments, distancing and hostility replace the love, trust and hopefulness that started the union.

In marriage, two people pledge to be there for each other — as partners and as flawed beings, through both the good times and the bad.

That commitment gets tested by the winds of change, by fate, choices, personal vulnerabilities and circumstances.

Next time your partner does something you don’t like, try doing these four things:

  1. Separate your reaction to your partner’s behavior from your loving support of the person. Let him or her know why you are disappointed. Let them know how the behavior impacts you and why you find it so upsetting.
  2. Affirm your love for your partner. Let him or her know that your doors of giving and receiving love are still open. Giving this feedback is part of that loving.
  3. If necessary, let your partner know that while he or she is welcome in your heart, the particular behavior, if a significant enough issue, may not be welcomed by you. Let them know what the consequences will be of continuing the behavior.
  4. Invite a discussion of what each of you can do individually and together to move through and past the problem.

If a couple has built a strong enough bond, most anything can be overcome together. Here’s an example: Let’s say you find out that your partner has been having an affair. Once you gather your wits enough to have a civil conversation or to write your partner a letter, try something like this:

I am devastated to find this out, and I hate that you did this to me and to our marriage.

We promised to love, honor and cherish each other, and this behavior is none of those things.

You have broken the deep bond of trust between us, and as a result I do not feel safe with you emotionally or sexually.

Our love is deeper than this behavior.

Know that I love you and that is why I am standing here in front of you, wanting us to find a way through this together.

I need you to know that any continuance of your affair is a further strike on your part against the sanctity of our marriage.

I will not and cannot tolerate that.

If you choose to continue your affair, I will recognize that as your choice to abandon our marriage.

If you choose to end your affair and would like to restore our marriage and work together to rebuild what has been broken, I am here.

You have one week to make your choice.

If you stay in our marriage, I would like us to seek professional help to guide us through the process of finding our way back to each other.

Notice a statement like this could be spoken or written. It addresses all four doors of loving — the giving and receiving of love by both partners. If those four choices are not made, the love will not survive.

What are you doing, or what could you be doing differently to keep the doors of loving open in the relationships in your life?

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If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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How to Handle Family Dynamics Around a Dying Loved One

Families can be complicated, to say the least. When they are beautifully loving and caring, it’s one of God’s most delightful gifts. But often, when the well-being of a critically-ill loved one is involved, tensions can flare. We don’t all love in the same way. And, love is often tainted by self-serving motivations or competition for power and influence in decision-making.

In fact, terrible things can be done in the name of love. And, the dynamics of power and influence that can develop among family and loved ones can be shocking. Tensions can escalate as judgments and discord fester. Frequently, childhood politics surface and you suddenly find yourself the seven-year-old kid who used to be bullied by her older sister.

Everyone might sincerely believe they all have the patient’s best interest in mind. Yet, they may have diametrically opposed views about what that would look like and how it is to be accomplished. Unfortunately, all too often family members polarize against each other behind the scenes rather than uniting in support of the patient.

Here are some guidelines to help families navigate these stressful and emotionally challenging times.

Respect the patient’s right to make his or her own decisions as long as deemed mentally competent.

Recently, a client shared her family’s drama around their terminally-ill mother. Behind the scenes, some family members are under the impression that mother is depressed and needs antidepressants. They emailed her doctor urging him to prescribe them. Others are concerned about drug interactions and over-drugging mom. They worry about masking feelings that she needs the opportunity to process. When I asked what the mother wanted, my client didn’t know. No one had asked her. They were too busy campaigning for their point of view behind her back.

Be sure that the patient designates a healthcare proxy before being deemed mentally incompetent.

The person who is appointed as the patient’s healthcare proxy is charged with the responsibility to make all decisions on his or her behalf regarding healthcare.

A client told me that her father was the healthcare proxy for her mother. However, he was terribly uncomfortable dealing with death and dying.

The choice of who to appoint should not be primarily governed by the person’s rank in the family pecking order. Rather, the patient should thoughtfully decide based upon who is most able to communicate comfortably with the patient about their needs and care. It should be someone ablle to advocate for the patient with doctors, nurses and caregivers. For example, a family member might hold a strong personal or religious belief that is quite different from that of the patient. This could prevent that individual from following the patient’s wishes. Therefore, they would not be a good choice to serve as healthcare proxy.

No matter how strong your opinion, that doesn’t make you an expert.

As a family member, you may have concerns about the treatment protocol and care being given to your loved one. Address it either with the patient and/or their healthcare proxy. Do not take it upon yourself to try to direct their care. Feel free to express your point of view, but respect the right of the person who is making the decisions. Be careful not to make others wrong for not agreeing with you.

Clarify, agree upon, and respect a pecking order for the flow of information and influence.

The role of the primary caregiver and/or healthcare proxy should be respected. They typically have the most up-to-date knowledge about the patient’s condition and needs. If you really want to demonstrate your love for the patient, than do everything you can to support this person. Offer your help. Be a team player. Help to keep communications clean and above board within the family.

Avoid the temptation to judge and talk about each other behind backs. If you have a problem, address it directly with the person(s) involved.

Having a loved one who is critically-ill is stressful enough. Do not make matters worse by bringing your personal animosity toward another family member into the situation.

Handle your emotional needs on your own. Don’t act them out around the patient.

It is important to be ruthlessly honest with yourself about how you feel and to deal with that within yourself. Be respectful of the patient’s needs and the normal routine that has been established for the patient’s care.

It is not uncommon for relatives who live at a distance to visit and try to overcompensate for their absence. They may be acting out of guilty feelings by playing the hero or trying to make a larger-than-life impact on the situation.

For example, don’t take it upon yourself to feed the patient two big bowls of oatmeal because that used to be his or her favorite breakfast. Find out what the patient is eating now and stay with that. Also, consider the possibility that if you did manage to feed him or her that much oatmeal it wouldn’t necessarily mean that it was a good idea. They may be fully aware of your need to feel helpful and be eating it to please you even though it will cause digestive distress later.

In most cases, an in-law should focus on supporting their spouse in handling the emotions, tensions and concerns regarding the situation. It is usually not their place to be a major player in decision-making.

There are exceptions. For example, an in-law may be the primary caregiver and/or supervising the day-to-day care of the patient. Then his or her knowledge of the patient’s needs should be highly regarded.

Visitors should always seek the primary caregiver’s guidance about what is in the best interest of the patient. This is especially important if the patient is living in the home or in a nearby facility while other family members are not local to the situation.

Remember that you are writing family history through your behavior. Consider giving the patient a wonderful experience of loving, united family support.

 

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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Do You Know the 6 People in Your Marriage?

Have you ever noticed that you and your partner keep having essentially the same fight over and over again?

No matter what the topic, whenever you get into an argument, does it always seems to  turn out the same way? That’s usually because you are shadowboxing with the wrong person.

Let me introduce you to the six people in your relationship.

#1: You, when things are going along fine between you .
#2: Your partner when things are going along fine between you.
#3: How you see your partner when he/she has pushed one of your emotional buttons.
#4: How your partner sees you when you have pushed one of his/her emotional buttons.
#5: How you see yourself when your partner has pushed one of your emotional buttons.
#6: How your partner sees him/herself when you have pushed one of his/her buttons.

What emotional buttons inside of you is your partner pushing?

You might have noticed this all boils down to how we react to when one of our emotional buttons gets pushed. Unfortunately, most of us are unaware of our internal emotional wiring and how and why we are getting triggered. We prefer to think the problem is always our partner’s fault. So, we end up trying to get our partner to change his/her behavior. Instead, consider looking within yourself. Seek to understand how and why you react as you do. What exactly is making you angry, defensive, or feeling misunderstood.

Stop blaming your partner and do your inner work.

Stop blaming each other and start decoding your inner dynamics. This will put you on the road to significantly improving the health and well-being of your relationship.

Let current button pushing show you where you need to heal leftover hurts from the past that are being activated. Getting hot-headed and blaming each other will eventually drive you apart seeking seemingly greener pastures. Instead, how about  embracing the opportunity to transform your relationship into a safe emotional haven for you both.

Here’s an example of the six people in action.

The following example might help you to recognize the six people in your marriage or partnership in action. Remember, most arguments seem really stupid when you replay them.

Meet Robin (#1) and Jack (#2). They are in love, have been dating about a year and are becoming disillusioned by their habitual fights. To make it easier to follow, I’m just going to present explanations of Robin’s behavior and leave Jack’s perspective (#4 and #6) to your imagination. Robin is a graphic designer and marketing expert and this is her first serious relationship.

A recent argument went as follows. Everything was just fine between them. Then, Jack told Robin he was planning to develop a new website. His plan was to lay out his vision of what he wanted. Then he would have his friend Chip do the graphic design work that would bring his vision to his website. Robin became incensed. Why didn’t Jack  even consult her for her graphic design expertise? She began spinning reasons in her head about all the things that are “wrong” with Jack, fueling her upset. She got more and more angryas she told herself how “right” she was (#5) and how “wrong” Jack was (#3).

She condescendingly corrected him saying it would be Chip who created the vision – not Jack. Jack felt insulted that Robin thought he was not creative and would have no creative input in the design of his own website. Finally, Jack, running late for work, headed for the door. Robin was left in disbelief that he could just walk out like that.

Here’s the decoded version of what was really happening in the above scene. All was fine between them until Robin (#1) got triggered by several things that she misinterpreted about what Jack way saying. She took offense that here she was a graphic designer and loving partner (#5) and it didn’t occur to Jack to ask for her input. This reinforced her belief/fear that Jack didn’t value or respect her professional competence (#3). That’s the person she was fighting with.

I asked Robin to focus on the feeling she had when Jack first pushed her button. Then I asked her to trace it backward in her life. Where else had she felt that way? She immediately recognized this feeling being associated with her relationship with her older sister. A specific image came to mind of playing with their Power Rangers. Her sister always took the pink one and never even noticed or cared that Robin would have liked the pink one too. This had become a pattern in her life.

So, standing there with Jack, her sensitivity to being left out of consideration by another was the trigger. The old, unresolved emotions with her sister wereskewing and fueling the intensity of her reaction to Jack. Angry, she asserted her authority (#3) by correcting Jack’s description of turning over his designs to a graphic designer to execute. Jack, with his own sensitivity to believing that Robin didn’t think of him as having any creativity (#4), got angry and disgusted with her. He also felt that, as usual, she was making an issue where none existed. He headed for the door because he wanted to get away from her and this craziness.

Robin, outraged at his choice to leave at that moment, feared that he was leaving her forever. That was another childhood fear that was being triggered.  She told me how  her father used to storm out in disgust with her mother. As a child, she was always afraid her father would never return and thouht it was all her mother’s fault. With Jack gone, she began turning her anger on herself and blaming herself for pushing him away, afraid he would never return. Got the picture? Each one was having an entirely different experience and conversation – doing battle with figments of their imagination in the theater of their minds.

Get rid of your old emotional baggage.

This is common behavior between “normal” people who have not cleaned up their old emotional baggage. And inevitably, past baggage gets triggered in present relationships. So, what do you do? If you can afford it, I suggest getting a marriage counselor or mentor with a good sense of humor.  Learn what your respective triggers are and how to deactivate them. This will allow you  to approach your differences in a constructive, exploratory, and non-blaming way.

Alternatively, try to do this decoding on your own. The place to begin is always to turn your attention inward instead of outward. Shift from the blame game to truly healing and transforming the quality of your communication. It is important to realize that we each need to become intimately aware of how we are wired based on past experiences. Otherwise, it all runs on autopilot and runs amuck as in the example above.

If your partner is not willing to do this together, don’t let that stop you from pursuing your own inner work. He or she simply might not be as convinced or ready as you are. Take the lead. Do your part to take ownership of your own baggage. Discover how past hurts are creating current sensitivities. Once you start behaving differently – as in doing a different dance step — your partner will follow along eventually. When six people are fighting, no one is being heard.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?
If so, please share it with them. 

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Celebrating Oneness in Diversity

Do you and your partner frequently battle over who is “right” and who is “wrong?” If so, battles will be won, but a war will rage on.

Right/wrong thinking makes a relationship an ongoing power struggle. It is the territory of two ego personalities who are only considering two options: winning or losing. Only one can be right, and the other is therefore wrong. As long as we think in those terms, we will always be at war with each other.

It is the decision-making process used, rather than the decisions themselves, that speak volumes about the quality of a relationship.

When you replace either/or thinking with both/and thinking a whole new world of healthy relating opens up. It allows for the process of co-creation by equally respected partners. Whether deciding what to have for dinner or when and how to express shared intimacy, your decision-making style makes all the difference.

Think in terms of a continuum of possibilities. At one extreme the decision-making process will demonstrate one partner dominating and silencing the other. At the other extreme is a shared process of considering each person’s point of view, evaluating the alternatives together, and finding a solution that serves the highest good of all concerned. Guess which one is more healthy?

Take a look at the major relationships in your life and ask yourself how healthy your decision-making style is. Are you a bully? Do you play a victim role? Do you feel heard?

When one partner dominates, something dies in the other partner. When both participate, both partners thrive. This is true whether the two parties are schoolyard children, marriage partners, business associates, or countries.

Dominance expresses a lack of caring and consideration for the concerns and welfare of the other. It is a silencing of one by the other. Dominance breads hostility. It demonstrates a lack of mutual respect and an inevitable retaliation in one form or another by the underdog. Consider the waiter who secretly spits in your soup because you were condescending and rude. What drives a marriage partner to withhold sex claiming frequent headaches?

The fact that you are able to dominate and silence another person by throwing your weight around  doesn’t make your point of view the “best” approach. It simply shows your lack of awareness and inability to participate in more fruitful, kind and caring relationships with others.

Bullies, social and institutional norms, and political hierarchies of power often silence the most brilliant, creative minds that might otherwise contribute better solutions.

I often wonder how rich and healthy we could be if we nurtured the full participation of all rather than the advancement of the few.

Many people who carry unresolved and accumulated anger from their past let off steam by bullying others. Some, flashing the badge of their social position, title or wealth, pursue their own agenda at the expense of others. They tell themselves it is their right — they are entitled and others are not.

Consider the “mean” boss, the bully in the schoolyard, or one who abuses children. Think about how the “most powerful” countries in the world take advantage of the smaller and less developed nations.  “Might” most certainly does not make “right” nor does it demonstrate the best of which we are capable.

The social consequences of allowing bullying, dominance, and right/wrong decision-making to prevail in our world are enormous.

How much personal growth, loving, caring and sharing is sacrificed when right/wrong thinking and dominance prevails?

How much creativity, productivity and camaraderie is lost to systems and leadership styles that stifle  the contribution of employees?

What countries truly strive to maximize the health, happiness, and productivity of their citizenry? The irony is this is more true of “primitive” societies than of “advanced” societies.

The sad thing is that the worst offenders don’t even know what they are missing and are satisfied with the spoils of the greedy wars they wage. They are often unaware of the magnitude of abundance they could create by nourishing rather than starving others.

Look around and you will see many who are consciously working to break through the prevailing cultural pattern of creating personal hierarchies of power in human relationships. It is a slow process of choosing more kindness, more caring, more encouragement of hope and participation. It is fueled by a vision of celebrating our oneness while honoring our differences.

Many are seeking to find ways to tap the vast resources of participation, creativity, and productivity.  Momentum is growing as individuals look for enlightened lovers and leaders and join causes that seek greater health and well-being.

People are learning to speak up rather than allowing themselves to be silenced or to give up. Some are creating relationships and organizations that are alive and evolving. They nurture all participants to be free, safe, and encouraged to fully participate.  Collaborative thinking is being encouraged.

Pay attention to your affiliations and the quality of your relationships. Are you perpetuating the old or helping to bring in the new?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?
If so, please share it with them. 

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When Loved Ones Aren’t Very Loving

Do you dread gathering with your family and friends for holidays, weddings, funerals and other events? Or have you been blessed with a truly loving and nurturing family? Dysfunctional childhood and family dynamics have a way resurfacing and making us feel crazy, trapped, and wanting to run for the hills.

If this sounds familiar, ask yourself these questions to explore the role you play in these dramas:

  • Are you consistently kind to everyone?
  • Do you reject certain people and favor others?
  • Do you hold grudges that have been festering for years?
  • Are you one who stands by pretending not to see the elephant in the room? Has it been there for many, many years?
  • Do you strive to truly demonstrate loving kindness for everyone there?
  • In what ways do you contribute to the discord?
  • Do you see yourself as a helpless and innocent victim?
  • Are you someone who thinks you are somehow better than everyone else?
  • What kind of attitude and behaviors do you contribute?

The term ‘loved ones’ implies special status – our inner circle. Yet, some of us are kinder to total strangers than to those with whom we share our lives.

In many families at least one giant elephant of discord sits in the room. There is a silent conspiracy that everyone participates in pretending not to see it or to do anything to get rid of it. Perhaps there is a drug-addicted child, or an alcoholic parent whose toxicity dominates the experience of being together. Or maybe it is a nasty, judgmental sister, a boring uncle, a nerd, or someone you hold a grudge against.

If this is a familiar experience for you, are you going along with the same old dysfunctional dynamic? Is there something you might do to contribute to healing the situation? It takes courage to go against the tide. Are you willing to name the elephant and to initiate efforts to deal constructively with the negativity?  Consider the alternative of letting things continue to fester. Do you really want to forego the possibility of having a mutually respectful and enjoyable time together?

Consider the following example. I know one family with two sisters and a brother in the middle. They have put up with the older sister’s judgments and rejection of the younger sister for decades.

The elder sister feels that her disdain is justified by her judgments of her sister. The brother plays the peacemaker and maintains separate relationships with his sisters. He initites family gatherings in the hope that this will go away. He tries to be a good sport and acts as though he is  unconscious of the feud. Meanwhile, the younger sister suffers through these gatherings. After making numerous attempts to talk to her sister about healing the discord between them, she has withdrawn from family gatherings.

Every family gathering is tainted.

“all the while scarlet thoughts, putrid fantasies, and no love”

-Louis Auchincloss

 

Consider what is at stake. Why should everyone have to suffer because someone doesn’t like one of the family or group of friends? Why not challenge that person either privately or publicly? Let them know that you do not appreciate or support their behavior. Acknowledge to them that their negativity is toxic for everyone else involved? Why not go on record as being unwilling to support this kind of behavior in the future? Ask the person what they are making more important then loving one another.

Another constructive act is to let the apparent victim know that you care about their well-being and do not approve of the aggressor’s behavior.

As adults we are each responsible for what we create, promote, and allow in our lives. We are accountable for how our behavior affects others – no matter how justifiable we believe our attitudes and behaviors to be.

At the end of the day, we are either contributing to more loving kindness for all involved or more distress and discord.

Is there something you might do differently next time to demonstrate that nothing is more important to you than being loving and kind to one another?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article?
If so, please share it with them. 

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3 Truths: Mine, Yours, and Empirical Reality

Two of the biggest mistakes we make in figuring out what is going on in our lives are:

 

  • to assume that our perceptions of reality match empirical reality. 

 

  • to assume that anyone who disagrees with us is simply wrong.

 

One of the great ironies of life is that no two people see anything exactly the same way.

 

 

Rumi taught the teaching story depicted above about four blind men encountering an elephant. Consider the significance of the following points:

 

  • Each one encounters a different part of the elephant because the elephant is too large for anyone of them to fully know all at once.
  • They are all blind.
  • The “truth” of what an elephant is does not change as a result of their various points of view.

 

Each one of us functions the way we do as a result of our unique journey being who we are. Some of us get quite stuck and set in our ways, while others remain open – learning, evolving, and changing.

 

Relationships get really complicated in this context. We perceive ourselves and each other through our unique information filtering processes. The fact of the matter is that no two people will experience and understand a shared experience in exactly the same way.

Ironically, the empirical truth is often less significant than the ability of those having different points of view to seek understanding of each other. Next time you are baffled by another person’s point of view, try looking through their eyes, and see if you can get them to take a look through yours as well.

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When a Difference of Opinion Threatens a Friendship

What happens when you have a significant difference of opinion with someone you care deeply about? How do you evaluate what is going on? How do you treat each other? What kind of outcome can you expect? 20/20 hindsight gives us a much clearer understanding than what we see in the midst of a heated disagreement.

Here’s what I think is important to consider in dealing with a heated disagreement with someone you deeply care about:  

1. You are not seeing the same situation the same way.

  • Each person experiences the shared situation through the filter of their own expectations, assumptions, past experiences, beliefs, wounds, and habitual patterns of behavior.
  • Given our unique filtering process, we do not see the same situation the same way. While there is a certain objective reality to what has occurred, there are also two distinct perceptions of reality that may be similar or vastly different.

2. Each person has their own habitual ways of reacting.

  • It is helpful to observe yourself and the other person to see your respective reaction patterns. Are either of you copping an attitude and harsh judgment of the other? If so, by viewing the situation through that filter you are probably refusing to consider the other person’s point of view. If you are caught in a pattern of judging and rejecting the other person as the cause of your distress, you are likely selectively interpreting what is happening to prove yourself right rather than to reach across the great divide to the other person. Do you judge and reject the other person, or are you open to finding out what the other person is experiencing? Are you willing to discuss what is happening, or do you shut the other person out? Do your feelings get hurt? Do you get angry? Do you keep trying to explain your point of view, even if the other person doesn’t want to hear it or is incapable of hearing it? 

3.  The way out is not by making one person right and the other one wrong.

  • When we blame and judge the other person, we are attempting to be right and justified in holding them responsible for the discord and our upset. This typically results in an inability to even consider what the other person’s experience is and in selectively acknowledging and remembering only those aspects of the situation which support your myopic  point of view. 
  • Believing that you are right might feel good, but it only serves to maintain the divide between you.
  • Better than being right is being wise enough to seek understanding of the other person’s point of view in an effort to heal the situation.

4.  Behaviors have consequences.

  • How people treat each other matters deeply. If we are cruel and judgmental, we seed fear and distrust. If we are kind, we create safe places for us to be together. We are responsible for what we are creating, promoting, and allowing in our relationships and how our behavior impacts others around us as well. For example, parents who engage in a toxic relationship are poor role models for their children. Two friends who have a falling out create tension and drama in their shared community that is often unfair to one or the other.

5.  You are responsible for the choices you make. And sometimes when we get hot under the collar, we don’t make very good choices. Nonetheless, we are responsible for our attitudes and behaviors. 

I’m currently sorting my way through a disagreement that resulted in a 35-year precious friendship irreparably blowing up. I cannot speak to what the other person involved was experiencing and why she refused to try to heal what was happening. On my final appeal to her to do so, she responded, “Not in this lifetime.” No matter how unreasonable such a response might seem, I recognize that she has a right to make that choice. 

Each person has their own way of reacting to a difference of opinion where the outcome is particularly important to them. For example, I first became aware of the problem with my friend when she expressed anger and judgement towards me and blamed her unhappiness on me. I reacted with shock and kept trying to share my very different perspective on what was going on, but she refused to hear it. 

When one person refuses to seek healing and reconciliation, the other is forced to move forward without any shared resolution. For me, this is the hardest part  – to have no hope and to be left to grieve a friendship I treasured. But life doesn’t always make sense. Our relationship is over, and there is nothing more for me to do about that.  But there are life lessons for me to learn here about how I engage with others while remaining true to myself. Here are some of the things I am looking at: 

  • Did I do my best moving through this situation?
  • Was I compassionate about her distress?
  • In what ways did I respect or disrespect myself or her?
  • What was most difficult for me, and how did I handle that? 
  • Where could I have done better?
  • What do I need to do to support myself in processing what has just happened?
  • Am I willing to forgive us both for our inability to create a better outcome?
  • What would God have me learn from this to do better in the future?

None of us are perfect. I do believe that we are all doing the best we can, and this is what that looks like. All we can really ask of ourselves is to remain true to ourselves, be kind to each other, and stay open to learning our life lessons as we move through our experiences. Trials and tribulations are a natural part of life, and so it behooves us to build skill in meeting life’s challenges.

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Love: Lighting Each Other Up Inside

 

Years ago, I remember being disturbed by my spiritual teacher, John-Roger, describing love as activating or stimulating that place inside of each other where love resides. It seemed so unromantic. I had been raised to believe in the Valentine’s Day romantic version of love where you find love outside of yourself in that one special person who lights up your world and then, as the fairy tale goes, you live happily ever after.

What if love serves a different purpose in our lives than that? What if love is a kind of awakening of something that lives inside each of us? What if others who rouse that place of loving inside of us are simply serving us by reflecting to us the best that is within us? What if the point is not to find and grab ahold of one special person, but rather to figure out how to shine our own inner light of loving on as many people as possible to do our part to heal this world?

This is by no means a prescription for either sexual promiscuity or exclusivity. Sexual expression is a separate matter entirely. However, whether you are two friends, family members, or romantic partners, there is a fine line between a healthy relationship of love where two people are choosing to serve as awakeners and reminders of the power of love for each other and a dysfunctional bond where two people try to isolate, possess, and control each other.

If indeed love is something that already exists inside of us then perhaps the best way to celebrate Valentine’s Day is to use the light of love that exists inside of you to awaken and lift others to what is the best within them. Love is not out there. It is in here – inside each of us.

Let’s reclaim a higher purpose to Valentine’s Day than trying to seduce one another with gifts and romantic gestures that fuel a $22 billion industry. Consider taking the time to write love letters to the people in your life who serve to remind you of the best that is within you. Who are those people? How do they make you feel inside yourself? How do they inspire you? What are you most grateful for about having them in your life? Tell them. What greater gift could there possibly be?

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