Archive for category: Relationships

Do You Know the 6 People in Your Marriage?

Have you ever noticed that you and your partner keep having essentially the same fight over and over again? No matter what the topic, whenever you get into an argument, does it always seems to follow the same trajectory and turn out the same way? That’s usually because you are shadowboxing with the wrong person.

Let me introduce you to the six people in your relationship.
#1: You, when things are going along fine between you.
#2: Your partner when things are going along fine between you.
#3: How you see your partner when he/she has pushed one of your emotional buttons.
#4: How your partner sees you when you have pushed one of his/her emotional buttons.
#5: How you see yourself when your partner has pushed one of your emotional buttons.
#6: How your partner sees him/herself when you have pushed one of his/her buttons.

You might have noticed this all boils down to button pushing and how we react to one another when our buttons get pushed. The tricky part of this is most of us are unaware of our internal emotional wiring and how and why we are getting triggered. We prefer to think the problem is always our partner’s fault. So, we end up trying to get our partner to change his/her behavior, rather than working within ourselves to understand what is going on inside of us that is making us angry, defensive, feeling misunderstood, etc. I know, in your case it really IS your partner’s fault! Right?

Here’s the good news – once you change the game from blaming each other because you don’t like what is going on to lovingly using the current discord to decode what is really going on – you are on the road to significantly improving the health and well-being of your relationship. Plus, you get to know yourself much better and to heal some of your own leftover hurts from the past that have been getting in your way. Remember, it’s much easier to righteously blame your partner for every problem that arises, but eventually all that will do is drive you apart seeking seemingly greener pastures. What I am suggesting here instead is embracing the opportunity to transform your relationship into a safe emotional haven for you both.

The following example might help you to recognize the six people in your marriage or partnership in action. Remember, most arguments seem really stupid when you replay them. Meet Robin (#1) and Jack (#2). They are in love, have been dating about a year and are becoming disillusioned by their habitual fights. To make it easier to follow, I’m just going to present explanations of Robin’s behavior and leave Jack’s perspective (#4 and #6) to your imagination. Robin is a graphic designer and marketing expert for one of the big music companies and this is her first serious relationship.

A recent argument went as follows. Everything was just fine between them. Then, Jack was telling Robin that he was planning to develop a new website. His plan was to lay out his vision of what he wanted and then to turn it over to his friend Chip to do the graphic design work that would bring his vision to his website. Robin, incensed that Jack did not even consult her for her graphic design expertise in the development of his plan or invite/ask her to do the graphic design work for him, began spinning reasons in her head about all the things that are “wrong” with Jack, fueling her upset. At this point, he could have been reciting the phone book and she wouldn’t have noticed because she was too busy convincing herself of how “right” she was and how “wrong” Jack was. Her response to him was to condescendingly correct him saying it would be Chip who created the vision – not Jack. Jack objected to Robin’s inference that he was not creative and would have no creative input in the design of his own website. And it escalated from there until Jack, running late for work, headed for the door and Robin was left in disbelief that he could just walk out like that.

Well, here’s the decoded version of what was really happening in the above scene. All was fine between them until Robin (#1) got triggered by several things that she misinterpreted about what Jack way saying. She took offense that here she is a graphic designer and loving partner (#5) and it didn’t occur to Jack to ask for her input. For Robin, this perspective reinforced her belief/fear that Jack didn’t value or respect her professional competence (#3) and that’s the person she was fighting with.

When I asked Robin to focus on the feeling she had when Jack first pushed her button and to trace it backward in her life to where else she felt that way, she immediately recognized this feeling being associated with her relationship with her older sister. A specific image came to mind of how, when playing with their Power Rangers, her sister always took the pink one and never even noticed or cared that Robin would have liked the pink one too. This had become a pattern in her life. So, standing there with Jack, her sensitivity to being left out of consideration by another was skewing and fueling the intensity of her reaction to Jack’s plans. Angry, she asserted her authority (#3) by correcting Jack’s description of turning over his designs to a graphic designer to execute. Jack, with his own sensitivity to believing that Robin didn’t think of him as having any creativity (#4), got angry and disgusted with her, feeling that, as usual, she was making an issue where none existed and headed for the door, wanting to get away from her and this craziness. Robin, outraged at his choice to leave at that moment, feared that he was leaving her forever – another childhood fear triggered by the memory of how her father used to storm out in disgust on her mother and the fear she remembered that he would never return and that it was all her mother’s fault. With Jack gone, she began turning her anger on herself and blaming herself for pushing him away and fearing he would never return. Got the picture? Each one was having an entirely different experience and conversation – doing battle with figments of their imagination.

This is common behavior between all seemingly “normal” people who have not done the decoding work to identify and work through their past baggage that gets triggered in their present relationships. So, what do you do? If you can afford it, I suggest getting a marriage counselor or life coach with a good sense of humor to work with you to approach the situation in a constructive, exploratory, and non-blaming way. Alternatively, try to do this decoding on your own. The place to begin is always to turn your attention inward instead of outward to help you shift from the blame game to truly healing and transforming the quality of your communication. It is important to realize that we each need to man the dashboard of our consciousness and become intimately aware of how we are wired based on past experiences or else it all runs on autopilot and runs amuck as in the example above.

If your partner is not willing to do this together, don’t let that stop you from pursuing your own inner work. He or she simply might not be as convinced or ready as you are. Take the lead. Do your part to take ownership of your own baggage and discover how past hurts are creating current sensitivities. Once you start behaving differently – as in doing a different dance step – your partner will follow along eventually. When six people are fighting, no one is being heard.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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The Ultimate Wedding Ring Exchange

The exchange of wedding rings typically occurs immediately after the sharing of wedding vows. It is a symbolic ritual in which marriage partners place a ring on their partner’s finger to create a physical reminder of the sacred vows they have exchanged. The wearing of the wedding ring serves several purposes. It reminds the wearer of his or her promise to love, honor, and cherish their partner. It also serves to inform others that the wearer is in a committed relationship. How many times have you checked out someone’s ring finger for this sign of being married or possibly available?

My personal favorite ring exchange ritual carries a beautiful message of how love flows between two people. In the exchange itself, each partner places the ring only up to the knuckle of his or her partner. In turn, the partner takes the ring over his or her knuckle to its resting place. As they do so, each giver, looking deeply into his or her partner’s eyes, might say something like “I give you this ring as a symbol of my promise to you” or simply “I love you.” The recipient, also maintaining deep eye contact, might respond saying something like “Receiving your love is my greatest blessing” or “I will treasure your love always.” No matter what the exchange of words that accompany this exchange, the gestures themselves hold a deep meaning and reminder about the conscious choice individuals make in entering the sacred covenant of marriage with another and of their respective responsibility for the flow of love between them.

Here is what this symbolism means. There are four gestures – each partner gives his or her love to their partner and each receives love from the other.
I think of these four gestures as representing four doors or passageways that either admit or restrict the flow of love between two people. For love to flow fully between two people all four doors must be open. In other words, I openly choose to give my love to you and to receive love from you and vice versa. Each is the gatekeeper to giving and receiving love.

This symbolism can serve the couple as a great reminder of their mutual responsibility as they face the realities of daily life and the trials and tribulations of their journey together. Whenever either partner becomes aware of the fact that the love is not flowing between them, it is time to look at which of the four doors is fully or partially closed. Am I mad at you and punishing you by withholding my love from you? Or, has something happened that has closed my heart to your love? It would behoove every marriage partner to ask him or herself these questions whenever the marriage becomes strained. Asking ‘which of the four doors has been shut?’ is a shortcut to figuring out which partner is restricting the flow of love between you and why. It is important but difficult to do this without throwing blame around. Rather, it is best approached with an honest intention of wanting to restore the health and well-being of the partnership. If both partners understand and embrace their responsibility on this level, they will be far more likely to reestablish balance and their love more quickly when a shutdown occurs and to truly learn from their experiences facing life together.

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How to Create a Spiritual But Not Religious Wedding Ceremony

More and more couples today say they want a spiritual but not religious wedding ceremony. This mirrors the trend of Americans who self-identify with this label. The spiritual but not religious now account for approximately 37 percent of Americans and that number has doubled in the last decade.

What does it mean to be spiritual but not religious? When interviewing couples who use this term to describe themselves, I ask what this term means to them. Typically, they say things like “we consider ourselves to be good people, but we don’t follow any particular religion” or “we believe in some kind of creator or God but not the way God is defined in the major world religions” or “I’m not really sure — we believe there is something more to life than the physical, but don’t know what that is or how to talk about it.”

In the U.S., when you step outside the auspices of a religious doctrine, you are either one who self-identifies as an atheist (i.e. does not believe in “God”); an agnostic (i.e. has not found satisfactory proof of God’s existence); someone who isn’t particularly concerned about such matters; or you don’t have a specific label and are looking to find what is true for you. Generally, the spiritual but not religious fall into the last of these groups.

Unlike those who follow the doctrine of a particular religious tradition, when the spiritual but not religious are creating a wedding ceremony, they do not have a template to follow. In fact, as long as their ceremony complies with the laws of the state in which the marriage takes place, they can do whatever they want.

In 2005, when I published the first edition of my book, The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day, I sought to provide a basic structure for the ritual of a self-designed wedding ceremony for the spiritual but not religious. It was also my intention to educate them about the hundreds of logistical considerations that might never occur to them otherwise. Just published in a second edition, this has become the bestselling book on the topic of wedding ceremony design.

Even with this book as a reference point, couples need to figure out what would or would not be appropriate for them as a unique couple. The key is what I call resonance — the intensified sense of truth an individual or couple experiences when considering a passage or ritual component — its “rightness” or “wrongness” for them, if you will. They might read one passage and respond “oh, yuck!” while another generates a response such as “oh, honey, that’s us!”

The freedom afforded a couple facing a blank sheet of paper as their starting point can be quite daunting. However, it can be wonderfully affirming as well if both partners participate in letting their resonance be their guide. Some realize that they have never had the occasion to share or articulate their deepest beliefs and values. Doing so is simultaneously a declaration and an intimate sharing of who they are. When a marriage ceremony is created from this place, it will ring true to the family and other guests as well — even when others do not share the couple’s point of view.

In addition to creating a ceremony that reflects their deepest values and beliefs, couples should also consider the impact their ceremony is likely to have on their guests. Being too in your face or not particularly tasteful can cause problems with family and friends. A good rule of thumb is to consider what you might think of your choices ten or twenty years later with a bit more maturity and perspective. Celebrate who you are as individuals, as a couple, and as members of the assembled community, but be sure to temper that by honoring and being respectful of essential differences as well.

If you have specific questions about how to design your wedding ceremony or as an officiant serving a specific couple, feel free to ask them under the comments section below or to email me your questions at judithjohnson@hvc.rr.com. Your comments and questions are always welcome.

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8 Wedding Planning Secrets From the Insiders

8 Wedding Planning Secrets From the Insiders

I thought it would be helpful for couples to hear from Stephanie and Jeff Padavoni of BookMoreBrides.com who are the best kept secret among wedding vendors.  They are the #1 marketing resource for the wedding industry – teaching vendors how to effectively communicate with and serve wedding couples.  They combine many years of first-hand experience as wedding vendors with their mastery of social media marketing savvy, and tremendous empathy for the challenges and needs of both couples and vendors.

 I asked them recently for their best advice for couples on how to find the right vendors who will work together to exceed the couple’s dreams of their wedding day.  Here’s what they had to say:

1. When you are hiring a vendor, you are purchasing their expertise as well as their time.  And, it takes lots of time behind the scenes to create the final product.

Couples are often shocked at the price tag attached to wedding services.  “But I’m only hiring you for four hours!” is a common reaction.  In reality, vendors spend many hours outside your wedding day timeline on planning, communication, rehearsals, meetings, travel and all the logistics necessary to make their contribution to your day look easy and effortless.  This doesn’t even take into account the necessary time and financial investment in initial training and education, as well as ongoing study and investment to keep skills sharp and equipment and offerings up to date.

Let’s take photographers as an example.  According to this recent survey, the average photographer spends 65 hours invested in each wedding; when all the hours invested in a wedding are factored in, a typical wedding photographer makes an hourly wage only $37 per hour before expenses!  DJs, florists, officiants, planners and other pros are in a similar situation.

Most wedding professionals are not living large on “wedding ripoffs,” a charge often lodged by the media.  While the average wedding in the US costs around $25,000, a recent survey of our wedding professional audience revealed that 48% of wedding businesses make less than $25,000 in an entire YEAR.

2.  If you hire an amateur for your wedding, expect an amateur result.

Wedding professionals are not a commodity item.  You’re hiring a unique personality, talent and experience set.  Those who charge more are often worth more, but their value is often difficult to measure in terms of dollars and cents.  It is based on intangibles such as how well the vendor creates a rapport with you and seems to understand and care about your specific needs and desires.  The amateurs you can hire for a dime a dozen are usually worth exactly the price you pay for them.

Sure, you might luck out and find the next undiscovered Preston Bailey for your wedding, but you’re much more likely to get sub-par performance along with that bargain price.

3.  The truth about the “wedding markup.”

Much has been made of the so-called “wedding markup,” a phenomenon that occurs when secret shoppers get quoted a higher price for identical services when they are booked for a wedding as opposed to another type of event.  While this certainly can occur, journalists neglect to address the very real reasons WHY this happens.  The truth is that providing any service for a wedding is far more involved than a similar, non-wedding event.  Wedding pros make themselves available for planning meetings, calls and consultations, and may well send hundreds of emails back and forth with a single client in the year or more of planning up to the wedding.

This type of time and attention isn’t expected or required for most non-wedding events; the time investment alone is enough to justify a higher price.  The quality of wedding services often requires a greater degree of skill and specialization.

4. Make sure that YOUR wedding really matters to your vendors.

Again, this is another intangible, but pay close attention to whether or not a particular vendor seems more interested in being of service to you or closing the deal.   A real wedding professional knows that each and every wedding has the potential to make or break their reputation.  Make sure your vendors discuss their “Plan B” with you of what they will do in the event that something goes wrong.  Make sure they are tending to the details and not just giving you sweeping generalities about what they do and how they do it.  The details are their responsibility for delivering on your expectations.

5.  Listen to your vendors’ advice – it can save you time, money, stress and disappointment.

There is a fine line between being unique and different from other weddings and being trite or inauthentic.  A seasoned vendor has seen it all and can and should tactfully temper your enthusiasm when you are crossing that fine line.  What may seem clever to you may be something your vendor has seen done before with disappointing results.  Trust their experience and draw upon it.  Know that when they suggest changes to your dream wedding scenario it may be because they have your best interests at heart.  Do take advantage of a vendor’s knowledge and experience.

6.  If you only have $10,000 to spend on your wedding, don’t expect your vendors to make it look like you spent $100,000.

Weddings can be expensive, and you certainly don’t have to spend a lot of money.  But if you’re going to trim your budget, don’t expect it to be a carbon copy of the Royal wedding.  Great vendors share their skills and experience to help you create a wonderful wedding, but they are not magicians.

7.  A DIY wedding usually takes more time and money than hiring a professional.

There is lots of hype on wedding blogs and wedding reality TV about saving money by doing things yourself.  Unfortunately, they misrepresent the details of what’s actually possible for a typical wedding with an average budget…one that doesn’t have a team of expert designers and planners working magic behind the scenes.

Wedding planning is overwhelming and stressful enough without trying to set up a craft factory in your garage to create clever favors for 200 guests or to arrange your own flowers.

If you think you’re going to save money by having the wedding in your backyard – you are heading for a rude awakening.  When you add up the cost of the tent, rentals, food, alcohol, place settings and silverware, you end up spending MORE than you would hosting it in a traditional wedding venue.

8.  Your wedding day will not be perfect, but a great team of vendors can make sure it’s as close as possible.

When it comes to your wedding, don’t forget that there is no such thing as a perfect wedding – something always happens that you didn’t expect or anticipate. Maybe your bridal party will be late, the weather won’t cooperate, or the guests will forget to take home those favors you agonized over.  There are simply too many details and too tight of a timeline for everything to be completely perfect.  But when something goes wrong, you can relax into the moment knowing your team will be doing their best to help make it right.

 

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How to Get the Best Wedding Pictures

Aside from choosing the right photographer, there are a number of specific things that you can do to support your photographer in doing his or her job really well. I interviewed the following four photographers* for this article and have included photos from each in the slideshow:

Cynthia DelConte
www.dayfornightproductions.com
cynthia@delcontephoto.com

Jean Kallina
www.hudsonvalleyphoto.com
jeankallina@gmail.com

Matt Gillis
www.mattgillis.com
matt@mattgillis.com

Roy Volkmann
www.volkmann-studio.com
info@volkmann-studio.com

[slideshow_deploy id=’893′]

The 2 biggest keys to success are:

• Relax, be natural and have fun. Remember that this is a day to enjoy being with your family and friends to celebrate your marriage. Smile, relax, enjoy, and don’t drink too much. Artificial smiles look artificial. If you tend to be nervous or particularly self-conscious, address that by doing whatever relaxes you best other than drugs or alcohol. Consider meditating, having a body or facial massage, a yoga class, or going for a run ahead of time.

• Get really great and professional hair and makeup. Even if you want a natural look, there is a specialized kind of makeup for photography. For example, you do not want makeup with mica in it because it makes you look sweaty. Be sure to do a test run for your hair and makeup and have pictures taken then to see if there is anything you want to change. Also, hire your hair and makeup people for the day of your wedding so they can do touch ups as needed. Be sure to ask your photographer for hair and makeup recommendations – they know who to use and who to avoid.

Here are the other great recommendations these photographers made:

• Create a timeline with your photographer. This is not the same thing as a timeline you set with your bridal consultant, location coordinator, or your hair and makeup people. The photographer’s timeline is specifically designed to ensure that you will get the balance you want between formal and informal shots and that you are being realistic about your preferences and priorities, and the tradeoffs that you are making. Keep your group portrait shots to a minimum and be very selective about your list of “must have shots.” Don’t over plan the photographer’s shots. Give your photographer the freedom to do what he or she does best – let the candid shots tell the real story of your wedding day. A great, experienced photographer knows how to schedule the day so it goes with ease and yields great pictures. Seek and follow your photographer’s advice.

• Consider the pros and cons of a first reveal.
Pros:
o If the ceremony is late in the day, then you have time to do all your family portraits outdoors earlier in the day and not miss your own cocktail hour when you would otherwise be doing these shots.

Cons:

o First reveal shots are always somewhat contrived – if the groom doesn’t look absolutely thrilled to see what the bride is wearing, the pictures may be unfortunate.

o You are likely to be taking your group pictures during the hottest part of the day in bad lighting.

o When group pictures are taken before the ceremony, everyone is likely to be wound up and not as relaxed as after the ceremony.

o A first reveal shot forfeits the thrill of that one moment when the bride walks down the aisle and everyone sees her for the first time. As an officiant, this is one of my personal favorite moments – watching the groom as his bride appears.

• Don’t forget about feeding your photographer and other vendors. Your photographer is constantly on duty and puts in a very long day. Schedule time and a comfortable place for your vendors to sit, relax, and have a meal – preferably at the same time as your guests are eating. Be good to your vendors and make sure that you are paying for and getting full plated meals for them from the venue.

• 2 considerations about getting ready pictures. If you want pictures of getting ready – have someone on hand to clean the room up so it doesn’t look chaotic and unsightly. Also, be realistic in terms of what you ask for and what you are paying for. For example, you can’t have shots of both parties getting ready without a second shooter.

• Avoid serving cocktails before the ceremony. Glasses and beer bottles inevitably end up in your ceremony pictures. Also, alcohol before the ceremony sends a mixed message by prematurely creating a party atmosphere.

• Have an unplugged wedding. Have someone make an announcement for your guests to turn off their cellphones before the wedding ceremony and to refrain from taking pictures during the event. You are spending big money on a professional photographer who is often blocked from capturing great shots because guests are holding phones in the air or sticking them out into the aisle. This means the photographer doesn’t get the shot, and instead gets a picture of the guests taking pictures.

• Do not use a stand-up microphone to amplify the couple and officiant. A stand-up mic can be an eyesore in an otherwise gorgeous shot. Besides being unattractive, it rarely gives satisfactory results. Most couples are nervous, few have any experience with how close they have to place their mouth to the mic, and there is no time to gracefully change the height of the mic as needed. All this adds up to awkwardness and uneven amplification at best. A far better solution is to have good quality lapel mics for the officiant and the groom.

• Anticipate potential problems your decorations might create. Sometimes, in an effort to make the ceremony site more interesting and festive, photographic challenges can be created. For example, I have often done battle with floral decorations on an arch that poked me in the head or face. These decorations can also cast shadows on the participants’ faces. The same can be true with a huppah. Large floral bouquets placed in front of the wedding party can block the view of guests or cut off great angles for the photographer.

• Take advantage of gorgeous lighting. The best natural lighting for pictures is when it is overcast, late afternoon, or at sunrise or a half hour before sunset – the golden hour. High noon casts shadows rather than light on faces. If the dinner hour happens to be when the sun is setting, consider taking some relaxed, reflective photos of the two of you at a distance just being together.

• Make sure your photographer and videographer coordinate. If you are going to have a videographer, ask your photographer for a recommendation. They know who they will be able to work most easily with and who they have had difficulties with in the past. Some videographers are unconscious of their effect on the photographer and can be fighting for the same pictures rather than knowing how to stay out of each other’s way. Videographers sometimes have cameras set up all over the place that interfere with the photographer’s ability to be in the moment trying to get the shot. As an officiant, I have been troubled by the lights some videographers shine directly in my eyes, preventing me from being able to make eye contact with the couple and guests.
The same issue applies if your DJ has people taking pictures to put up on screens. This might not only be a nuisance for your photographer but a violation of his or her contract as well. From a photographer’s point of view, DJ’s often bring cheap lighting, such as laser lights that cast little dots all over the faces of the couple and guests. This gives the photographer no choice but to shoot pictures in black and white only. Color lighting used by a videographer or DJ can be disastrous for the photographer as well. Magenta lighting, for example, makes people look like they are hemorrhaging. Ask your photographer and videographer to come up with a joint plan so both their needs can be met.

• Pacing of the processional and recessional is important. If you want your photographer to be able to get good shots of everyone coming up and down the aisle, a good rule of thumb is to have each person wait for the person or couple in front of them to pass the first or last row of guests before taking their turn.

• The larger your wedding party, the more important it is to have a rehearsal. The chaos and confusion that is apparent when there has not been a good rehearsal shows up in all your pictures.

• No one is invisible when the cameras are around. Here are some specific tidbits of advice:
o Stand up straight, be as natural as possible, smile, and be alert.

o Make sure no one is wearing transition lenses or sunglasses.

o Have bridesmaids all hold their flowers at belly button height.

o Give groomsmen specific directions of what to do with their hands (my personal favorite is behind their back – holding hands folded in front communicates sexual insecurity in non-verbal communication).

• Consider having ceremony pictures with and without the bridal bouquet. You spend a lot for your flowers, so it’s nice to have a few ceremony pictures with them. Just have the officiant cue you after the first or second ceremony segment to pass off your flowers so you and your partner can then hold hands.

• Have someone make a final check of the aisle just before the ceremony is about to begin. This allows for asking people to move anything they have in the aisle that will otherwise show up in all your pictures. If a wheelchair is needed for someone, be sure that during the ceremony it is not left near the aisle.

• Don’t use an aisle runner. They always wrinkle and only work if they look perfect and they are never perfect. Furthermore, most of them are white and stand out glaringly in your aisle shots.

• Foster direct communication between your vendors as needed. Be sensitive to the fact that there are politics and past experiences coloring the relationships among vendors. Some wedding planners do not allow direct communication between vendors. Everything must go through them. This can work against your best interests as wedding planners aren’t always knowledgeable or sensitive to all the considerations that affect a vendor’s ability to do a great job for you.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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A Celebration of Value & Symbolic Wedding Rituals | Judith Johnson Wedding Officiant on Chronogram

I recently spoke with Chronogram on exploring unique ways couples can incorporate their deeper values into their wedding celebrations. Read the full article here.

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What is a Wedding Officiant?

What is a wedding officiant?

A wedding officiant is the person who leads your wedding ceremony. They must be legally recognized to do so by the state in which your wedding takes place. If you are having a religious ceremony, your officiant will need to be qualified in the eyes of that religious organization as well. Some religious groups specify where your ceremony must take place as well. For example, the Catholic Church requires that your ceremony take place within the church building.

The legal responsibilities of the officiant vary according to state laws. Generally speaking, your officiant’s signature on your marriage license signifies that he or she knows of no reason that you are not qualified to be married in that particular state. For example, you are of age or have parental consent, you are not currently married to someone else, or seeking a same sex marriage in a state that does not allow them. Their signature also means that they have witnessed you sharing your wedding vows and have officially pronounced that you are partners in marriage in the presence of witnesses (one or two of whom will also be required to sign your license).

In the past, most weddings were conducted either by religious clergy or civil officiants such as judges, justices of the peace, and ship captains. In recent years, it has become popular to have a friend or family member be your wedding officiant. This is accomplished by going on-line to sign up for ministerial credentials with a religious group such as the Universal Life Church that offers them without any requirements of training, dogmatic beliefs, or religious/spiritual practice. Their only requirement is that you ask to be ordained. According to their website http://www.themonastery.org/ordination they have granted over 20 million ordinations to date. On-line ordinations take advantage of the separation of church and state by limiting the legal right of the state to challenge the religious organization’s authority and rules regarding to whom they grant ordination credentials. Some states and local jurisdictions, however, are beginning to challenge the legitimacy of on-line ordinations, so be sure to check out any controversy in the jurisdiction where you plan to be married.

In addition to the legal and religious/spiritual considerations regarding who you choose to have officiate at your wedding, it is important to think about what is and is not important to you about your wedding ceremony. For example, what does it mean to you that you are getting married? Do you need to take into account anyone else’s point of view on the matter? Are you looking for an officiant who you are comfortable with? Do you need someone with enough experience to know how to assist you in your ceremony design, as well as to conduct both the rehearsal and ceremony itself?

Whether you are choosing to have a friend or family member officiate or are looking for a seasoned officiant, be sure to consider how their personality style, personal beliefs, and understanding of their role will influence your ceremony. Typically, your wedding officiant will have the greatest influence in setting the tone of your ceremony, so choose wisely.

Many couples are clueless of where to start to find a qualified wedding officiant. Here are some suggestions:

  • Check out regional wedding websites that list wedding-related vendors in their area.
  • Ask your wedding venue contact person. Usually, they have a preferred vendor list or will give you personal recommendations based on having worked with certain individuals in the past.
  • Ask other vendors such as your photographer or musicians who their favorite officiants are to work with.
  • Read reviews and testimonials on the websites of the officiants you are considering or on sites that provide regional listings of vendors.

Above all else, your wedding officiant should be able to serve as your go-to person for all your questions and concerns about your ceremony. Choose someone who can serve you well and help you keep on top of all the details. While your ceremony may last only fifteen to twenty minutes, there are a myriad of big and little details that when handled well can add up to exactly what you wanted, but when overlooked can result in a clumsy and disappointing event.

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7 Steps to a Fabulous Customized Wedding Ceremony

Do you want to create a ceremony that clearly reflects your unique values, beliefs, and life circumstances?  Do you know how or what is required? A good place to begin is to check out any requirements that the state has where the ceremony will take place.  Most states want you to speak your vows in front of at least one witness who then signs the license, to meet the requirements for marriage in that state, and to have a qualified officiant.  Beyond that, if there is no religious authority involved, you start with a blank sheet of paper.  Don’t worry – I’m going to make this easy and fun for you!  Just follow these steps.

 

Step One:  Make sure you are both onboard to personalize your ceremony.

Remember there are two of you involved and the ceremony should be the best match for the two of you possible.

 

Step Two:  Decide to have fun with this process.

Even though this is probably the first wedding ceremony you have ever designed, it is a wonderful opportunity to create a celebration of your union in rituals and words that will create beautiful memories to carry forward with you.  Remember that this is your wedding and while family members and friends may have strong opinions about your ceremony – you two are ultimately in charge of deciding what is just right for you.

 

Step Three: Separately answer the following questions in writing and then share your responses with each other.

The best ceremonies truly reflect both spouses – so don’t let your partner cop out and say whatever you want is fine.  Here are the questions:

  • What is important to you about the tone, content, and duration of your ceremony?
  • What, if any, specific ceremonial elements do you want to include or exclude from your ceremony?
  • Are there any spiritual, religious, or heritage traditions or elements that are important to you to include on your own behalf or that of your family?
  • Are you open to writing and saying your own vow provided any concerns you have are satisfactorily addressed?
  • Is there anyone, living or dead, who will not be present at your ceremony who you would like to mention or in some way pay tribute to in the ceremony?
  • Who, if anyone would you like to do a reading?  Any particular text?
  • Is there anything else that you know you want to include, exclude, or avoid in your ceremony?

 

Step Four: Consider the following guidelines:

  • Trying too hard to be unique can easily result in a ceremony that is cliché or offensive to some of your guests.  Here are two examples:
  • You might want to have butterflies released during your recessional.  However, a couple I married did this and when the guests opened their cardboard containers, half the butterflies were dead.
  • One groom decided to surprise his bride by serenading her during the ceremony with his heavy metal band.  This mini jam session left many traditional guests horrified.

 

  • You need to find an experienced officiant who is on the same page with you and is resourceful, helpful, and supportive of your wishes to customize your ceremony.  Remember, most ceremonial texts are spoken predominantly by the officiant.  Use your officiant as a resource and agree to a timetable for drafting and editing your ceremony for the spoken word – in other words, always read it out load to decide how it will sound.  Keep your officiant in the loop – no surprises.  Remember they are the expert.

 

  • A great ceremony strikes a balance between personal expression and tradition.  Be careful not to throw away all the elements of tradition.  For example, the traditional sequence of ceremonial elements provides a logical sequence of events that allow the ceremony to reach a crescendo with the sharing of vows, the ring exchange, final blessing and pronouncement, and the kiss.  I recommend that you put your signature on the content of the elements you choose to include rather than in their sequencing.

 

Step Five: Do your research.

There are wonderful books and websites available to give you great ideas of what works, what doesn’t, and how other couples have successfully customized their ceremonies.  Of course, I simply must tell you that my book, The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day is actually the bestselling book on wedding ceremony design for both clergy and couples.  If you choose to use it, I hope it’s a wonderful resource for you.

 

Step Six: Keep it short and simple.

You can create a beautiful and memorable ceremony that takes no more than 15-20 minutes.  In my experience, a ceremony that goes much longer runs the risk of creating fidgety, bored, and impatient guests.  For example, you may lose the attention of your guests by including more than two readings.

 

Step Seven: At your ceremony – breathe, relax, keep your sense of humor, and be present in your loving.

No matter how carefully you plan your ceremony – there will be surprises.  When the ceremony begins, all you really need to do is to look into the eyes of your beloved, breathe deeply, and feel the joy in your heart.  What a magnificent moment in life and what a shame to miss it because you are worrying about some detail or find yourself overcome with nerves.  The greatest gift you can give yourself and each other is to be fully present in the loving that brought you both to this moment.  You can only focus your attention on one thing at a time.  So, let it be the joy, loving, and gratitude you feel to be joining together I marriage, rather than worrying about whether or not the caterer got your message about the olives.  Just breathe, smile, and feel the loving.

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Inside the World of an Event Planner: Behind the Scenes at Tracy Taylor Ward Design

Image courtesy of Tracy Taylor Ward Design.

Where do you begin when you need to find a wedding or event planner? How do you figure out who to contact and what you need to find out about them? These are the questions that inspired me to interview and write about a number of event planners. The first is Tracy Taylor Ward of Tracy Taylor Ward Design, a smart and extremely well-organized professional who has quietly taken the event industry by storm.

When I met Tracy, she struck me as a stunning, gracious, enthusiastic woman with impeccable taste, who truly knows and loves what she is doing. A chat about her background helped me to understand why she is so well-suited for her work. It’s as though she was apprenticing for the job all her life and didn’t know it until a few years ago.

Check out this slide show of images of Tracy Taylor Ward Design.

 

The Back Story:

Tracy grew up in New York City where she developed a taste for fine food, fashion and music. Following in her father’s footsteps, as a child she discovered her passion for music and sang in television and radio commercials. She learned about interior design from her mother, Lauri Ward, the founder of Use What You Have Interiors, after graduating from Northwestern University. Upon returning to New York, Tracy worked on and off-camera as a decorator at her mother’s design firm after receiving her certification in interior decorating. She also became MTV’s dorm decorator, transforming college student housing on camera, as well as a host/decorator on HGTV’s hit series, FreeStyle.

The next building block that would eventually become Tracy Taylor Ward Design was meeting and falling in love with Matthew Carrigan, a graphic designer and illustrator, at an open mic night for singer-song-writers where they were both performing. When the couple became engaged in 2009, they decided to pool their talents and design their own wedding. It was during this time that Tracy discovered she loved researching and coordinating vendors, negotiating contracts and overseeing the entire wedding planning process.

At the same time, Tracy volunteered to facilitate planning for her best friend’s wedding in Miami so her friend could be with her mother who was hospitalized. A year later, in 2010, when both weddings took place, the pictures of the events were posted on social media sites and quickly spread. Emails and phone calls started pouring in with requests for Tracy to design weddings and within months Tracy Taylor Ward Design was launched.

Inside Tracy Taylor Ward Design:

Beneath her gracious demeanor, Tracy seems to be a very determined, proactive individual who accomplishes what she sets out to do. She takes tremendous satisfaction in making her clients happy by providing great value, both with her in-house services and industry connections. While the company is growing rapidly, Tracy is careful to limit the number of large events the firm contracts to ensure that she and her staff can provide unparalleled customer service. Although the company began as a wedding planning business, satisfied clients have brought Tracy and her team into producing a variety of other events as well. The business has grown predominantly by word of mouth. Typically, new clients have attended one of her events or have received her name from someone in their social circle. The firm’s clients are successful professionals with discriminating taste.

Based on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, but producing events worldwide, Tracy Taylor Ward Design develops, coordinates and delivers full-service, full-spectrum design rather than outsourcing most aspects to various vendors. While Tracy handles all design consulting and planning with her team of coordinators, Matthew heads Paper With Benefits, the company’s graphic arts division, which helps clients create one-of-a-kind designs for their invitations, reception stationary and artwork. Tracy’s in-house production team handles all styling, flowers and décor, including customized furniture.

The company’s style would best be described as elegant, classic and chic. Tracy sees to it that each event is so personalized that guests leave feeling they know the couple better than they did before attending. Her clients are able to look back and feel they would make exactly the same choices, again.

One of the things I liked most about Tracy was that she is as focused on the quality of the planning process as she is on the event itself. Clients quickly learn they can trust her because she removes any uncertainty by keeping them well informed each step of the way. She saves her clients time, helps them to establish and stick to a realistic budget, and then secures the best value with each of their vendors. Above all else, she strives to make the process fun and relaxing for her clients; from the day they hire her until the event is over. Recent bride, Christy Ely, said:

I cannot tell you the number of people who told me that it was the most beautiful wedding they had ever attended and who called it ‘magical.’ It truly was everything and more than I had hoped it would be. I knew that the day would not be anything less than spectacular with Tracy’s hand guiding it, and that gave me the security to relax up until the very last minute!
There is no doubt that Tracy Taylor Ward means business and by consistently exceeding her clients’ expectations; it’s no wonder that her sought-after firm has quickly earned a stellar reputation.

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When Your Wedding Doesn’t Go As Planned

Photo Credit: Ullysses Photography

If you are like most brides, you might be micro-managing your wedding to avoid unwanted surprises. But, guess what? Your wedding day WILL NOT go 100% according to your plans. There are a thousand tiny details and what actually happens will be an amalgamation of the input of many vendors, guests, the weather, and your best laid plans.

While you might not be able to control the weather or Uncle Charlie’s drinking problem, you do get to choose how to react to whatever the day presents to you. So, lighten up and have a beautiful day no matter what happens.

Here are some suggestions for how to have a great time on your wedding day:

Expect the Unexpected: Remind yourself that there will definitely be some surprises and you might not like them all. Decide ahead of time not to let anyone rain on your parade. This is YOUR day – choose to make the very best of it.

Bring Your Sense of Humor Along: The picture above is from a recent wedding. As I handed the bride’s wedding ring to the groom, he dropped it. He immediately put a big smile on his face, raised his hand and announced “I got this!” and everyone had a good laugh. It became a memorable moment with a great photo to remember it by.

Leave Bridezilla Home: Some brides have turned themselves into the dreaded bridezilla. They foolishly think that by demanding their way they are more likely to get it. But, guess what? The more typical response of any vendor dealing with a bridezilla is to give her less rather than more and to not be so willing to go above and beyond the call of duty. Besides, remember that your wedding pictures will tell the truth about how you look!

Keep Your Priorities Straight: If the shade of pink of the table linens is slightly off, you’ll probably be the only one who notices. If you are a tyrant micro-managing your wedding in progress, or out of sorts because something happened that you didn’t like, then everyone will notice.

Enjoy Your Day From the Inside Out: Your wedding is a celebration of the fact that you and your partner have found each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together. Own that and let it reverberate throughout every cell of your being. Let your partner feel your love. Let your joy radiate and be contagious to everyone who gets to share your special day with you. A radiant bride never takes a bad picture!

Remember to Say Thank You: Be lavish with your gratitude when it is earned. Most vendors really want to make a significant contribution to your having a wonderful wedding. Remember how important on-line reviews and referrals were to you? Take the opportunity to give credit where it is due and to warn future couples of what to look out for with vendors who did not serve you well. You can have the last word without spoiling your day.

Do plan thoughtfully to create the wedding of your dreams and then remember to let go and let it happen. Be the guest of honor and have a wonderful day no matter what happens.

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