Archive for category: Relationships

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Keeping The Doors Of Love Open In Your Relationship

Does your relationship provide a safe emotional environment for you both?

Are you free to be who you are?

Or, do you edit yourself around your partner to avoid negative reactions?

Do you walk on eggshells around each other?

I used to officiate at a lot of weddings. And, because I also offer couple’s mentoring, my friends often would kid me about a potential conflict of interest. They asked me, “What do you do? Do you say, ‘I now pronounce you husband and wife. And, if you get in trouble, here’s my card.’?”

The sad truth is at least half of couples will end up divorced.

It seems that loving, honoring and cherishing each other is easier said than done. These three promises that we make in our marriage vows are not just nice concepts. They are daily activities. They must be engaged in each and every day to keep a marriage healthy and dynamic.

One of the greatest keys to creating the kind of environment where loving, honoring and cherishing each other will occur is captured in my favorite wedding ring exchange. It symbolizes the true essence of a successful marriage.

Each partner places a ring on the other’s finger only up to the knuckle while pledging his/her love. The recipient takes the ring over the knuckle as acknowledgement of receipt of the gift of the other’s love. In this way, each one declares their awareness that they are both the giver and the receiver of love.

In order for the exchange of love between two people to remain alive and vibrant, four things have to be happening at once. Each partner must openly give his or her love to the other. They also must be open to receive the love of the other.

When these four doors of love are open, both partners feel safe and nurtured in the love they share. It behooves us all to pay far greater attention to the responsibility we have taken on through our promises in the wedding vows. They are not simply pretty words; they represent sacred commitments, and it is important that we keep our promises. We do so, or not, through the choices we make and the behaviors we express moment by moment, day by day, and year after year.

It’s easy to slam one of these symbolic doors shut when our partner disappoints us in some way. When that becomes the normal way we respond to each other, the trust, safety and foundation of the relationship is eroded. In time, alienation, judgments, distancing and hostility replace the love, trust and hopefulness that started the union.

In marriage, two people pledge to be there for each other — as partners and as flawed beings, through both the good times and the bad.

That commitment gets tested by the winds of change, by fate, choices, personal vulnerabilities and circumstances.

Next time your partner does something you don’t like, try doing these four things:

  1. Separate your reaction to your partner’s behavior from your loving support of the person. Let him or her know why you are disappointed. Let them know how the behavior impacts you and why you find it so upsetting.
  2. Affirm your love for your partner. Let him or her know that your doors of giving and receiving love are still open. Giving this feedback is part of that loving.
  3. If necessary, let your partner know that while he or she is welcome in your heart, the particular behavior, if a significant enough issue, may not be welcomed by you. Let them know what the consequences will be of continuing the behavior.
  4. Invite a discussion of what each of you can do individually and together to move through and past the problem.

If a couple has built a strong enough bond, most anything can be overcome together. Here’s an example: Let’s say you find out that your partner has been having an affair. Once you gather your wits enough to have a civil conversation or to write your partner a letter, try something like this:

I am devastated to find this out, and I hate that you did this to me and to our marriage.

We promised to love, honor and cherish each other, and this behavior is none of those things.

You have broken the deep bond of trust between us, and as a result I do not feel safe with you emotionally or sexually.

Our love is deeper than this behavior.

Know that I love you and that is why I am standing here in front of you, wanting us to find a way through this together.

I need you to know that any continuance of your affair is a further strike on your part against the sanctity of our marriage.

I will not and cannot tolerate that.

If you choose to continue your affair, I will recognize that as your choice to abandon our marriage.

If you choose to end your affair and would like to restore our marriage and work together to rebuild what has been broken, I am here.

You have one week to make your choice.

If you stay in our marriage, I would like us to seek professional help to guide us through the process of finding our way back to each other.

Notice a statement like this could be spoken or written. It addresses all four doors of loving — the giving and receiving of love by both partners. If those four choices are not made, the love will not survive.

What are you doing, or what could you be doing differently to keep the doors of loving open in the relationships in your life?

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If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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Do You Know the 6 People in Your Marriage?

Have you ever noticed that you and your partner keep having essentially the same fight over and over again?

No matter what the topic, whenever you get into an argument, does it always seems to  turn out the same way? That’s usually because you are shadowboxing with the wrong person.

Let me introduce you to the six people in your relationship.

#1: You, when things are going along fine between you .
#2: Your partner when things are going along fine between you.
#3: How you see your partner when he/she has pushed one of your emotional buttons.
#4: How your partner sees you when you have pushed one of his/her emotional buttons.
#5: How you see yourself when your partner has pushed one of your emotional buttons.
#6: How your partner sees him/herself when you have pushed one of his/her buttons.

What emotional buttons inside of you is your partner pushing?

You might have noticed this all boils down to how we react to when one of our emotional buttons gets pushed. Unfortunately, most of us are unaware of our internal emotional wiring and how and why we are getting triggered. We prefer to think the problem is always our partner’s fault. So, we end up trying to get our partner to change his/her behavior. Instead, consider looking within yourself. Seek to understand how and why you react as you do. What exactly is making you angry, defensive, or feeling misunderstood.

Stop blaming your partner and do your inner work.

Stop blaming each other and start decoding your inner dynamics. This will put you on the road to significantly improving the health and well-being of your relationship.

Let current button pushing show you where you need to heal leftover hurts from the past that are being activated. Getting hot-headed and blaming each other will eventually drive you apart seeking seemingly greener pastures. Instead, how about  embracing the opportunity to transform your relationship into a safe emotional haven for you both.

Here’s an example of the six people in action.

The following example might help you to recognize the six people in your marriage or partnership in action. Remember, most arguments seem really stupid when you replay them.

Meet Robin (#1) and Jack (#2). They are in love, have been dating about a year and are becoming disillusioned by their habitual fights. To make it easier to follow, I’m just going to present explanations of Robin’s behavior and leave Jack’s perspective (#4 and #6) to your imagination. Robin is a graphic designer and marketing expert and this is her first serious relationship.

A recent argument went as follows. Everything was just fine between them. Then, Jack told Robin he was planning to develop a new website. His plan was to lay out his vision of what he wanted. Then he would have his friend Chip do the graphic design work that would bring his vision to his website. Robin became incensed. Why didn’t Jack  even consult her for her graphic design expertise? She began spinning reasons in her head about all the things that are “wrong” with Jack, fueling her upset. She got more and more angryas she told herself how “right” she was (#5) and how “wrong” Jack was (#3).

She condescendingly corrected him saying it would be Chip who created the vision – not Jack. Jack felt insulted that Robin thought he was not creative and would have no creative input in the design of his own website. Finally, Jack, running late for work, headed for the door. Robin was left in disbelief that he could just walk out like that.

Here’s the decoded version of what was really happening in the above scene. All was fine between them until Robin (#1) got triggered by several things that she misinterpreted about what Jack way saying. She took offense that here she was a graphic designer and loving partner (#5) and it didn’t occur to Jack to ask for her input. This reinforced her belief/fear that Jack didn’t value or respect her professional competence (#3). That’s the person she was fighting with.

I asked Robin to focus on the feeling she had when Jack first pushed her button. Then I asked her to trace it backward in her life. Where else had she felt that way? She immediately recognized this feeling being associated with her relationship with her older sister. A specific image came to mind of playing with their Power Rangers. Her sister always took the pink one and never even noticed or cared that Robin would have liked the pink one too. This had become a pattern in her life.

So, standing there with Jack, her sensitivity to being left out of consideration by another was the trigger. The old, unresolved emotions with her sister wereskewing and fueling the intensity of her reaction to Jack. Angry, she asserted her authority (#3) by correcting Jack’s description of turning over his designs to a graphic designer to execute. Jack, with his own sensitivity to believing that Robin didn’t think of him as having any creativity (#4), got angry and disgusted with her. He also felt that, as usual, she was making an issue where none existed. He headed for the door because he wanted to get away from her and this craziness.

Robin, outraged at his choice to leave at that moment, feared that he was leaving her forever. That was another childhood fear that was being triggered.  She told me how  her father used to storm out in disgust with her mother. As a child, she was always afraid her father would never return and thouht it was all her mother’s fault. With Jack gone, she began turning her anger on herself and blaming herself for pushing him away, afraid he would never return. Got the picture? Each one was having an entirely different experience and conversation – doing battle with figments of their imagination in the theater of their minds.

Get rid of your old emotional baggage.

This is common behavior between “normal” people who have not cleaned up their old emotional baggage. And inevitably, past baggage gets triggered in present relationships. So, what do you do? If you can afford it, I suggest getting a marriage counselor or mentor with a good sense of humor.  Learn what your respective triggers are and how to deactivate them. This will allow you  to approach your differences in a constructive, exploratory, and non-blaming way.

Alternatively, try to do this decoding on your own. The place to begin is always to turn your attention inward instead of outward. Shift from the blame game to truly healing and transforming the quality of your communication. It is important to realize that we each need to become intimately aware of how we are wired based on past experiences. Otherwise, it all runs on autopilot and runs amuck as in the example above.

If your partner is not willing to do this together, don’t let that stop you from pursuing your own inner work. He or she simply might not be as convinced or ready as you are. Take the lead. Do your part to take ownership of your own baggage. Discover how past hurts are creating current sensitivities. Once you start behaving differently – as in doing a different dance step — your partner will follow along eventually. When six people are fighting, no one is being heard.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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The Ultimate Wedding Ring Exchange

The exchange of wedding rings typically occurs immediately after the sharing of wedding vows. It is a symbolic ritual in which marriage partners place a ring on their partner’s finger to create a physical reminder of the sacred vows they have exchanged. The wearing of the wedding ring serves several purposes. It reminds the wearer of his or her promise to love, honor, and cherish their partner. It also serves to inform others that the wearer is in a committed relationship. How many times have you checked out someone’s ring finger for this sign of being married or possibly available?

My personal favorite ring exchange ritual carries a beautiful message of how love flows between two people. In the exchange itself, each partner places the ring only up to the knuckle of his or her partner. In turn, the partner takes the ring over his or her knuckle to its resting place. As they do so, each giver, looking deeply into his or her partner’s eyes, might say something like “I give you this ring as a symbol of my promise to you” or simply “I love you.” The recipient, also maintaining deep eye contact, might respond saying something like “Receiving your love is my greatest blessing” or “I will treasure your love always.” No matter what the exchange of words that accompany this exchange, the gestures themselves hold a deep meaning and reminder about the conscious choice individuals make in entering the sacred covenant of marriage with another and of their respective responsibility for the flow of love between them.

Here is what this symbolism means. There are four gestures – each partner gives his or her love to their partner and each receives love from the other.
I think of these four gestures as representing four doors or passageways that either admit or restrict the flow of love between two people. For love to flow fully between two people all four doors must be open. In other words, I openly choose to give my love to you and to receive love from you and vice versa. Each is the gatekeeper to giving and receiving love.

This symbolism can serve the couple as a great reminder of their mutual responsibility as they face the realities of daily life and the trials and tribulations of their journey together. Whenever either partner becomes aware of the fact that the love is not flowing between them, it is time to look at which of the four doors is fully or partially closed. Am I mad at you and punishing you by withholding my love from you? Or, has something happened that has closed my heart to your love? It would behoove every marriage partner to ask him or herself these questions whenever the marriage becomes strained. Asking ‘which of the four doors has been shut?’ is a shortcut to figuring out which partner is restricting the flow of love between you and why. It is important but difficult to do this without throwing blame around. Rather, it is best approached with an honest intention of wanting to restore the health and well-being of the partnership. If both partners understand and embrace their responsibility on this level, they will be far more likely to reestablish balance and their love more quickly when a shutdown occurs and to truly learn from their experiences facing life together.

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How to Create a Spiritual But Not Religious Wedding Ceremony

More and more couples today say they want a spiritual but not religious wedding ceremony. This mirrors the trend of Americans who self-identify with this label. The spiritual but not religious now account for approximately 37 percent of Americans and that number has doubled in the last decade.

What does it mean to be spiritual but not religious? When interviewing couples who use this term to describe themselves, I ask what this term means to them. Typically, they say things like “we consider ourselves to be good people, but we don’t follow any particular religion” or “we believe in some kind of creator or God but not the way God is defined in the major world religions” or “I’m not really sure — we believe there is something more to life than the physical, but don’t know what that is or how to talk about it.”

In the U.S., when you step outside the auspices of a religious doctrine, you are either one who self-identifies as an atheist (i.e. does not believe in “God”); an agnostic (i.e. has not found satisfactory proof of God’s existence); someone who isn’t particularly concerned about such matters; or you don’t have a specific label and are looking to find what is true for you. Generally, the spiritual but not religious fall into the last of these groups.

Unlike those who follow the doctrine of a particular religious tradition, when the spiritual but not religious are creating a wedding ceremony, they do not have a template to follow. In fact, as long as their ceremony complies with the laws of the state in which the marriage takes place, they can do whatever they want.

In 2005, when I published the first edition of my book, The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day, I sought to provide a basic structure for the ritual of a self-designed wedding ceremony for the spiritual but not religious. It was also my intention to educate them about the hundreds of logistical considerations that might never occur to them otherwise. Just published in a second edition, this has become the bestselling book on the topic of wedding ceremony design.

Even with this book as a reference point, couples need to figure out what would or would not be appropriate for them as a unique couple. The key is what I call resonance — the intensified sense of truth an individual or couple experiences when considering a passage or ritual component — its “rightness” or “wrongness” for them, if you will. They might read one passage and respond “oh, yuck!” while another generates a response such as “oh, honey, that’s us!”

The freedom afforded a couple facing a blank sheet of paper as their starting point can be quite daunting. However, it can be wonderfully affirming as well if both partners participate in letting their resonance be their guide. Some realize that they have never had the occasion to share or articulate their deepest beliefs and values. Doing so is simultaneously a declaration and an intimate sharing of who they are. When a marriage ceremony is created from this place, it will ring true to the family and other guests as well — even when others do not share the couple’s point of view.

In addition to creating a ceremony that reflects their deepest values and beliefs, couples should also consider the impact their ceremony is likely to have on their guests. Being too in your face or not particularly tasteful can cause problems with family and friends. A good rule of thumb is to consider what you might think of your choices ten or twenty years later with a bit more maturity and perspective. Celebrate who you are as individuals, as a couple, and as members of the assembled community, but be sure to temper that by honoring and being respectful of essential differences as well.

If you have specific questions about how to design your wedding ceremony or as an officiant serving a specific couple, feel free to ask them under the comments section below or to email me your questions at judithjohnson@hvc.rr.com. Your comments and questions are always welcome.

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A Celebration of Value & Symbolic Wedding Rituals | Judith Johnson Wedding Officiant on Chronogram

I recently spoke with Chronogram on exploring unique ways couples can incorporate their deeper values into their wedding celebrations. Read the full article here.

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What is a Wedding Officiant?

What is a wedding officiant?

A wedding officiant is the person who leads your wedding ceremony. They must be legally recognized to do so by the state in which your wedding takes place. If you are having a religious ceremony, your officiant will need to be qualified in the eyes of that religious organization as well. Some religious groups specify where your ceremony must take place as well. For example, the Catholic Church requires that your ceremony take place within the church building.

The legal responsibilities of the officiant vary according to state laws. Generally speaking, your officiant’s signature on your marriage license signifies that he or she knows of no reason that you are not qualified to be married in that particular state. For example, you are of age or have parental consent, you are not currently married to someone else, or seeking a same sex marriage in a state that does not allow them. Their signature also means that they have witnessed you sharing your wedding vows and have officially pronounced that you are partners in marriage in the presence of witnesses (one or two of whom will also be required to sign your license).

In the past, most weddings were conducted either by religious clergy or civil officiants such as judges, justices of the peace, and ship captains. In recent years, it has become popular to have a friend or family member be your wedding officiant. This is accomplished by going on-line to sign up for ministerial credentials with a religious group such as the Universal Life Church that offers them without any requirements of training, dogmatic beliefs, or religious/spiritual practice. Their only requirement is that you ask to be ordained. According to their website http://www.themonastery.org/ordination they have granted over 20 million ordinations to date. On-line ordinations take advantage of the separation of church and state by limiting the legal right of the state to challenge the religious organization’s authority and rules regarding to whom they grant ordination credentials. Some states and local jurisdictions, however, are beginning to challenge the legitimacy of on-line ordinations, so be sure to check out any controversy in the jurisdiction where you plan to be married.

In addition to the legal and religious/spiritual considerations regarding who you choose to have officiate at your wedding, it is important to think about what is and is not important to you about your wedding ceremony. For example, what does it mean to you that you are getting married? Do you need to take into account anyone else’s point of view on the matter? Are you looking for an officiant who you are comfortable with? Do you need someone with enough experience to know how to assist you in your ceremony design, as well as to conduct both the rehearsal and ceremony itself?

Whether you are choosing to have a friend or family member officiate or are looking for a seasoned officiant, be sure to consider how their personality style, personal beliefs, and understanding of their role will influence your ceremony. Typically, your wedding officiant will have the greatest influence in setting the tone of your ceremony, so choose wisely.

Many couples are clueless of where to start to find a qualified wedding officiant. Here are some suggestions:

  • Check out regional wedding websites that list wedding-related vendors in their area.
  • Ask your wedding venue contact person. Usually, they have a preferred vendor list or will give you personal recommendations based on having worked with certain individuals in the past.
  • Ask other vendors such as your photographer or musicians who their favorite officiants are to work with.
  • Read reviews and testimonials on the websites of the officiants you are considering or on sites that provide regional listings of vendors.

Above all else, your wedding officiant should be able to serve as your go-to person for all your questions and concerns about your ceremony. Choose someone who can serve you well and help you keep on top of all the details. While your ceremony may last only fifteen to twenty minutes, there are a myriad of big and little details that when handled well can add up to exactly what you wanted, but when overlooked can result in a clumsy and disappointing event.

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Inside the World of an Event Planner: Behind the Scenes at Tracy Taylor Ward Design

Image courtesy of Tracy Taylor Ward Design.

Where do you begin when you need to find a wedding or event planner? How do you figure out who to contact and what you need to find out about them? These are the questions that inspired me to interview and write about a number of event planners. The first is Tracy Taylor Ward of Tracy Taylor Ward Design, a smart and extremely well-organized professional who has quietly taken the event industry by storm.

When I met Tracy, she struck me as a stunning, gracious, enthusiastic woman with impeccable taste, who truly knows and loves what she is doing. A chat about her background helped me to understand why she is so well-suited for her work. It’s as though she was apprenticing for the job all her life and didn’t know it until a few years ago.

Check out this slide show of images of Tracy Taylor Ward Design.

 

The Back Story:

Tracy grew up in New York City where she developed a taste for fine food, fashion and music. Following in her father’s footsteps, as a child she discovered her passion for music and sang in television and radio commercials. She learned about interior design from her mother, Lauri Ward, the founder of Use What You Have Interiors, after graduating from Northwestern University. Upon returning to New York, Tracy worked on and off-camera as a decorator at her mother’s design firm after receiving her certification in interior decorating. She also became MTV’s dorm decorator, transforming college student housing on camera, as well as a host/decorator on HGTV’s hit series, FreeStyle.

The next building block that would eventually become Tracy Taylor Ward Design was meeting and falling in love with Matthew Carrigan, a graphic designer and illustrator, at an open mic night for singer-song-writers where they were both performing. When the couple became engaged in 2009, they decided to pool their talents and design their own wedding. It was during this time that Tracy discovered she loved researching and coordinating vendors, negotiating contracts and overseeing the entire wedding planning process.

At the same time, Tracy volunteered to facilitate planning for her best friend’s wedding in Miami so her friend could be with her mother who was hospitalized. A year later, in 2010, when both weddings took place, the pictures of the events were posted on social media sites and quickly spread. Emails and phone calls started pouring in with requests for Tracy to design weddings and within months Tracy Taylor Ward Design was launched.

Inside Tracy Taylor Ward Design:

Beneath her gracious demeanor, Tracy seems to be a very determined, proactive individual who accomplishes what she sets out to do. She takes tremendous satisfaction in making her clients happy by providing great value, both with her in-house services and industry connections. While the company is growing rapidly, Tracy is careful to limit the number of large events the firm contracts to ensure that she and her staff can provide unparalleled customer service. Although the company began as a wedding planning business, satisfied clients have brought Tracy and her team into producing a variety of other events as well. The business has grown predominantly by word of mouth. Typically, new clients have attended one of her events or have received her name from someone in their social circle. The firm’s clients are successful professionals with discriminating taste.

Based on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, but producing events worldwide, Tracy Taylor Ward Design develops, coordinates and delivers full-service, full-spectrum design rather than outsourcing most aspects to various vendors. While Tracy handles all design consulting and planning with her team of coordinators, Matthew heads Paper With Benefits, the company’s graphic arts division, which helps clients create one-of-a-kind designs for their invitations, reception stationary and artwork. Tracy’s in-house production team handles all styling, flowers and décor, including customized furniture.

The company’s style would best be described as elegant, classic and chic. Tracy sees to it that each event is so personalized that guests leave feeling they know the couple better than they did before attending. Her clients are able to look back and feel they would make exactly the same choices, again.

One of the things I liked most about Tracy was that she is as focused on the quality of the planning process as she is on the event itself. Clients quickly learn they can trust her because she removes any uncertainty by keeping them well informed each step of the way. She saves her clients time, helps them to establish and stick to a realistic budget, and then secures the best value with each of their vendors. Above all else, she strives to make the process fun and relaxing for her clients; from the day they hire her until the event is over. Recent bride, Christy Ely, said:

I cannot tell you the number of people who told me that it was the most beautiful wedding they had ever attended and who called it ‘magical.’ It truly was everything and more than I had hoped it would be. I knew that the day would not be anything less than spectacular with Tracy’s hand guiding it, and that gave me the security to relax up until the very last minute!
There is no doubt that Tracy Taylor Ward means business and by consistently exceeding her clients’ expectations; it’s no wonder that her sought-after firm has quickly earned a stellar reputation.

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When Your Wedding Doesn’t Go As Planned

Photo Credit: Ullysses Photography

If you are like most brides, you might be micro-managing your wedding to avoid unwanted surprises. But, guess what? Your wedding day WILL NOT go 100% according to your plans. There are a thousand tiny details and what actually happens will be an amalgamation of the input of many vendors, guests, the weather, and your best laid plans.

While you might not be able to control the weather or Uncle Charlie’s drinking problem, you do get to choose how to react to whatever the day presents to you. So, lighten up and have a beautiful day no matter what happens.

Here are some suggestions for how to have a great time on your wedding day:

Expect the Unexpected: Remind yourself that there will definitely be some surprises and you might not like them all. Decide ahead of time not to let anyone rain on your parade. This is YOUR day – choose to make the very best of it.

Bring Your Sense of Humor Along: The picture above is from a recent wedding. As I handed the bride’s wedding ring to the groom, he dropped it. He immediately put a big smile on his face, raised his hand and announced “I got this!” and everyone had a good laugh. It became a memorable moment with a great photo to remember it by.

Leave Bridezilla Home: Some brides have turned themselves into the dreaded bridezilla. They foolishly think that by demanding their way they are more likely to get it. But, guess what? The more typical response of any vendor dealing with a bridezilla is to give her less rather than more and to not be so willing to go above and beyond the call of duty. Besides, remember that your wedding pictures will tell the truth about how you look!

Keep Your Priorities Straight: If the shade of pink of the table linens is slightly off, you’ll probably be the only one who notices. If you are a tyrant micro-managing your wedding in progress, or out of sorts because something happened that you didn’t like, then everyone will notice.

Enjoy Your Day From the Inside Out: Your wedding is a celebration of the fact that you and your partner have found each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together. Own that and let it reverberate throughout every cell of your being. Let your partner feel your love. Let your joy radiate and be contagious to everyone who gets to share your special day with you. A radiant bride never takes a bad picture!

Remember to Say Thank You: Be lavish with your gratitude when it is earned. Most vendors really want to make a significant contribution to your having a wonderful wedding. Remember how important on-line reviews and referrals were to you? Take the opportunity to give credit where it is due and to warn future couples of what to look out for with vendors who did not serve you well. You can have the last word without spoiling your day.

Do plan thoughtfully to create the wedding of your dreams and then remember to let go and let it happen. Be the guest of honor and have a wonderful day no matter what happens.

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Gay Marriage – The Heart of the Matter

When I was ordained as an interfaith minister in 1985, I was charged with the responsibility of ministering to all regardless of race, creed, color, situation, circumstance, or environment — in other words, to serve without prejudice. Isn’t this what we should really be asking of our “public servants” — i.e. politicians and elected officials who are seeking to influence the laws of “our” land? I am personally delighted that the issue of gay marriage is challenging how our social norms and laws attempt to disempower and limit the freedom of those who are being marginalized — i.e. rejected instead of respected as fellow members of our society.

By ruling on the gay marriage, our Supreme Court is being asked to honor a higher authority than the personal preferences of those who are most influential in getting our elected officials re-elected. In fact the agenda is twofold. First is to legitimize the legal right for gay couples to have access to all the mental, emotional, spiritual, legal, financial, and social benefits of marriage. In addition, it also challenges the authority previously held by lawmakers and social norms to legalize prejudice against a group of citizens who are not considered representative of the preferences of the power brokers of our society. This is simultaneously an issue of the legal rights of a marginalized group and a matter of serving notice to our public servants that they are responsible for serving all of us — not just those they prefer.

The bottom line issue here is not whether or not gay marriage should be recognized, but whether or not our system should condone and legalize prejudice. I believe that nothing is more important here than loving, honoring, respecting, and serving one another. It is time for us to turn this issue inside out and ask ourselves what right do we have to marginalize one another?

Consider these words from Sample Ceremony #3: Celebrating Our Oneness While Honoring Our Differences in the second edition of my book, The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day:

For over twenty years, I have been officiating wedding ceremonies for all kinds of couples.One thing that has always impressed me
is that when a couple’s union challenges
what we are used to,
we are presented with the choice
to either rise to this challenge
or to hold tight to our limiting beliefs.

Whether bridging the gap between
different races, cultures, religions, or age groups,
or being more similar than we are used to
as in couples of the same gender,
these couples have a freedom
that many of us lack.
They are available to love
regardless of race, creed, color,
situation, circumstance, or environment.
There are no walls around their hearts
that prevent them from allowing
love to occur. . .

What an interesting lesson for the rest of us.
How would our individual and collective lives
be different if our hearts were also unbound
by rules and beliefs that we must only love others
who are quite like us, but then, not too much like us?

I celebrate . . . all couples who challenge us to unbind our hearts
and render ourselves vulnerable
to the power and possibilities of love.

 

May we rise to the best that is within us in responding to this challenge.

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What Marrying Couples Often Forget

When the promises of a bride and groom are made in the bubble of romantic love, yet untested by life, there is naiveté and ignorance about what life can bring. As a minister who marries many couples, I have come to accept that life will have its way with each couple. They will be tested by the tides of life, by chance and circumstance, by the routines of daily living, and by the full cycle of the seasons of life. While they may think they are entering their marriage with the knowledge that together they will face life’s sorrow no less than its sweetness, there is usually an accompanying and typically unspoken belief that “it will be different for us because we love each other so much.”

Marriage isn’t really about the two united against the world, but rather the two individuals in a world full of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual challenges and surprises. Their challenge is to figure out how to sustain their love, while honoring and cherishing themselves and each other through it all. Will they be able to fan the fire of their love enough to make their love more important to them than anything else that challenges them along the way?

I deeply believe that there is nothing more important than loving one another. However, love must be matured, tested, deepened, and strengthened by the trials and triumphs of life. The challenge is, how do I accept the fact that we will both disappoint ourselves and each other? How do I love you when I don’t like how you are behaving? How do I love you when you hurt me, disappoint me, betray me or turn against me? How do I love myself when I am the one who falls short of my own beliefs and values? How do I know if I need to leave my marriage?

Even the best of marriages can end. For some, this is the loss of an oasis in the world and it’s hard to let go of that, although when you are thinking of leaving your oasis has probably long since become a battleground. I’ve known many couples who met in their youth and became each other’s safe place in the world to run to from abuse or other challenges at home (where they were supposed to be safe). Thinking they would be safe together forever, they often find themselves unable to comprehend or accept the adult scars of their partner’s childhood traumas or how their respective needs change over time.

I think we would all have a better chance at creating a successful marriage if we first learned how to love ourselves rather than looking for someone else to love us instead. The two are not mutually exclusive, but the quality of our ability to love another is directly proportionate to how well we have learned to love ourselves. Wouldn’t it be interesting if we were required to pass a certification program in self respect and self love before we could qualify for a marriage license?

Regardless of whether a couple decides to move forward together or separately, it is important to recognize that relationships are wonderful teachers. When things get rough, we often polarize against our partner, blaming and judging them for whatever has occurred. We forget that it takes two to tango and sometimes we are simply disowning our own dark side by projecting it onto our partner and then rejecting them for it.

Remember that the real world we live in together is not utopia. That’s why marriage vows ask us to love, honor, and cherish each other for richer or poorer, in good times and bad, and in sickness and in health. In other words, rather than making the other person wrong when life doesn’t go your way, consider building skills in loving yourself and each other through the challenges that come along.

Consider whether it is possible to sacrifice your judgments, expectations, and any other ways that you have learned to separate yourself from your partner. Unless your partner is physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive, you should be willing to get some altitude above the situation and look at what each of you is doing that is creating the problem. Communicate honestly about what you are experiencing without making your partner wrong. Don’t pretend that you are helpless and hopeless, living at the effect of your partner’s attitude and behavior. Participate fully in your life and hold yourself accountable for your actions and reactions as well.

When two people are simply unable to sustain their love for each other and are unwilling to spend the remainder of their life in what is left of their relationship, then divorce becomes a way to set each other free. In the best of divorces, partners are able to say goodbye and sincerely wish each other well, taking with them fond memories and valuable life lessons.

If you have ever been through a divorce, you probably know that place in your consciousness that becomes unsure of how to ever trust your own judgment again. “I chose this person. I loved this person. I really thought we would spend the rest of our lives together being loving and kind and supportive to each other. Now, we can’t stand the sight of each other and are trying to get more than our share in a divorce settlement.” What really happens to people like this? While not all divorces end in animosity, too many do. There are also marriages that, for a variety of reasons, are better terminated.

For some couples, leaving is never an option. If it is, then even your dearest confidant cannot and should not tell you to leave your marriage. You and your partner made sacred vows to each other. Only you know if you cannot or will not honor that vow going forward. It is a deep personal decision; look only into your own heart to find the answer. Beyond anger, beyond fear there is a part of you that simply knows.

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