Archive for category: Consciousness/Thriving

Finding Your Groove

“Good and quickly seldom meet.”
— Anonymous

Do you move through space and time too fast, too slow or just right? Do you find yourself rushing about or dragging yourself around? Why is it so important to pay attention to this? When we step out of that pace and find ourselves either rushing about like a chicken with its head cut off, or dragging ourselves around like dead weight, life can be very challenging. Paying attention to your inner feedback and the responses from your universe can assist you in finding your optimum pace.

When we rush, it is usually because we have either been procrastinating, or are setting unrealistic expectations. Here are several things that happen when we rush around and try to do too much at once:

  • We behave clumsily, dropping things and having mini-accidents like stubbing a toe, or in some cases major accidents.
  • We tend to commit more mistakes and as a result become less efficient rather than more (which is often our goal when in a rush).
  • We become more forgetful.
  • We drive much too fast, to “save time.”
  • We find ourselves frustrated and agitated by things that would normally be within our tolerance level. As a result we can become short-tempered and make “mountains out of molehills.”
  • We tend to feel burdened and overwhelmed, rather than enjoy our lives.

Sound familiar? But what happens when you rush around faster than what is comfortable for you? Are the few extra minutes you might gain worth the price you pay?

Rushing around really doesn’t get us where we want to be any faster. In fact, it just makes us feel out of sorts, unpleasant to be around, feeding into the increased probability that we will have some sort of accident.

The good news is that it is very easy to re-enter your comfort zone once you see what you are doing. Here are my favorite ways to recapture my sense of well-being:

  • The mere act of observation, gives you the opportunity to make another choice.
  • Once you see what you are doing, you can take a mental picture of yourself and have a good laugh.
  • Try coming to a complete stop, taking a few deep breaths and reprioritizing what needs to be done.
  • Remind yourself that life is precious and when you are rushing around you are not enjoying the journey of your life. Make it a point to smell some roses and lilacs, or delight in the smile of a child or passerby.

On the flip side, you have probably noticed that you are not typically very happy when you are going more slowly than your comfortable pace. It is very easy to fall into the habit of vegging out, playing computer games, watching TV or falling prey to some other mindless distraction while ignoring all the things you need to be doing. We all need to tune out from time to time, but when it becomes our way of life, it’s worth taking a closer look and considering the alternatives. Here’s what I have noticed happens when we drag ourselves around:

  • Usually there is some mental or emotional challenge present that we are having difficulty dealing with and so we avoid it with these behaviors.
  • Low energy tends to result in isolating ourselves and feeling disconnected from others.
  • Lethargy has a cumulative impact that results in making excuses for not going to the gym or choosing less healthy foods because we can’t be bothered cooking a healthier meal for ourselves.
  • We become self-judgmental when we are not keeping up with the pace of our life for more than a few hours or a day here and there.

What else happens to you when you fall into the blahs?

Here are my favorite remedies for moving out of lethargy and back into the swing of things:

  • Talk to yourself and be ruthlessly honest about what you are avoiding. See if you can figure out one or two baby steps you could take that would move you in the direction of resolving the issue and talk yourself into doing those things.
  • Negotiate with yourself. Make a to do list and choose three to five things that you really need to do, striking deals like, “If I get up and do the dishes right now, I can play another five games of solitaire without feeling guilty.”
  • Pull in the reins on yourself and hold yourself accountable by monitoring the amount of sleep you get, the foods you are eating and your physical activity. Once those are back in balance, your energy will bounce right back.

Life appears easier when we are in the groove of our own pace and so very stressful when we are out of it. Being out of sync may not be the biggest problem in our life, but the discomfort it generates can often be avoided by checking in and taking corrective action when we get out of our groove.

Finally, when you notice that you are in your groove, going with the flow of life and enjoying your journey, pay attention to how you created that and do more and more of that. Turn on your cruise control and enjoy the ride.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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The Truth About Writer’s Block

I don’t choose to experience “writer’s block” which I see as simply a matter of faulty perception. It is a mislabeling of a very natural part of the ebb and flow of the writing process. To say “I have writer’s block” is to judge a temporary or permanent absence of writing momentum and productivity as wrong and therefore to see oneself as a failure in some way. The process of writing is an intricate interplay of conscious and unconscious dynamics and what actually lands on the page is a small part of it all. When we label and judge that process, we interfere with its natural flow and take a position of againstness with ourselves. It’s all in how you look at it.

When a writer declares that he or she is experiencing writer’s block, it is like grabbing hold of a fear (Fantasy Expectation Appearing Real) and fueling it with emotional distress. A way to reframe this is to simply trust that what appears to be a dry spell is a normal part of the process of being a writer and that either you need time to be away from the writing focus or that the process is largely unconscious at that time. Each writer has to make peace with this by finding their own particular rhythm and honoring that. For example, what works for me is not to have any rigid writing schedule, but rather to let the words come to me — and they always do — sooner or later. When working on a deadline, whether self-imposed or not, I never lose sight of the deadline, it is always there, but I don’t beat myself up with it if time keeps passing and nothing is getting on paper. I’ll notice that the topic is alive in me — turning this way and that finding its way to the paper. It takes a lot of trust to let this be. So far, it has never failed me.

I have lots of books and articles and projects on the back burner and no fear of running out of things to write about. I know that each piece of writing has a life of its own. For example, I have a poem that I started at the age of 16 that rumbles around in my head from time to time looking for its ending. I know it will end someday, but hasn’t so far. That’s not a problem to me — just a reality. I also keep what I call a “dump” file for each project and whether I am actively working on it or not, I capture ideas and information there.

In addition to building a strong bond of trust with yourself, here are some other keys to maintaining a good relationship with yourself as a writer:

  • Just Do It: There is a point at which every writer just has to sit down and write. Whether you write for five minutes or five hours straight doesn’t matter, but if you are going to be a writer, you have to sit down and write.
  • Write With Freedom and Abandon, Then Edit Ruthlessly: It is important to give yourself permission to write whatever comes up without any judgment. Just focus on capturing your thoughts and ideas — forget about grammar, structure and eloquence. Just get a hold of whatever comes up. Then, just as Michelangelo described the sculpting process as discovering a statue inside every block of stone, each writer must ruthlessly revise and refine a piece of work until pleased with it.
  • Get Out of Your Own Way: If you get into a pattern of negativity and beating up on yourself when writing, find a way to be more loving with yourself and do not feed the negativity.
  • Patience: Writing takes enormous patience. As with any other art form, you are constantly revising and refining your work. For an artist the equation is never time is money, but rather “do I feel complete with this piece? Is it my best effort given the time I have available?”
  • Flexibility, Cooperation and Balance: There is always some level of agitation just under the surface that propels a writer forward giving momentum to the working process. But there are always other forces at work and writing is only one of many activities in an individual’s life. Finding your own rhythm and being willing to cooperate with the other elements of life that often seem to intrude on the writer’s solitary endeavor are like moving between shooting the rapids and gliding along on calm waters, never quite knowing which is going to present itself and when. Experience teaches us all to go with the flow and somehow that seems to yield maximum inner peace and outward productivity.
  • Keeping a Sense of Humor and Humility: I’ve learned never to take myself too seriously as a writer. I do my best and need to laugh at myself from time to time when I give too much importance to what I write. If people get value from what I write, that’s great and positive feedback is extremely gratifying. However, while writing is ultimately about communication, I find it very funny that I don’t write to communicate, but rather because I simply need to write — I am compelled to do so. If the end product of my endeavors is of value to others, that’s great, but the solitary process of engaging in the art form itself is entirely for me and I think that is pretty funny.
  • Letting Go of the Illusion of Control: A really good writer is never in control of the writing process. You may find that having a rigid schedule works well for you or you might be someone who writes when the spirit moves you to do so. Either way, a good writer taps into the wellspring of human consciousness and like love, you can’t make that happen on demand.

Is writing challenging? Absolutely! However, it is a great way to learn some profound lessons in life and to be of service to others.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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Find Out If You Are Holding Yourself Back

It’s easy to find lots of excuses for not doing, being and having what we want in our life. Typically, we blame others or the circumstances we find ourselves in. Often, we need look no further than the mirror to discover what is holding us back.

Among the major self-limiting actions that people commonly fall prey to are:

Unworthiness

Expectations

Giving your power away

While these expressions are quite normal parts of the human experience, it is a matter of choice if we want to free ourselves from their habitual and often unconscious forms of self-limitation in our lives. The process of stepping free is the same for all four types of expression. It all begins with observation, followed by asking yourself some really good questions, doing a little personal detective work to see how this dynamic is functioning in your consciousness and expressing in your life and then being willing to try something new.

Unworthiness: When we believe that we do not deserve to do, be or have what we envision for ourselves, we create a chronic sense of personal failure, inability to measure up and hopelessness in our consciousness. It is as though we walk around with a dark cloud engulfing our mind not realizing that we are the ones who put that cloud there and we can remove it as well.

Observations: Listen to your self-talk — what you are saying to yourself inside your head. Do you say things like “I’ll never …” or “No one will want me because …” or other proclamations of personal doom and gloom?

Good Questions: What do I think I am unworthy of? What real evidence do I have? What’s my personal payoff for believing that I am unworthy? If I believed that I was worthy, how would I live my life differently? Am I willing to change this self-limiting belief about myself?

Personal Detective Work: From a place of neutrality (i.e. without judgment) become exquisitely curious about how this pattern of unworthiness plays out in you. What exactly do you do to keep it going? Remain open and honest with yourself in getting a really good understanding of how and why this pattern is running in you. The more light you shed on it, the more it will lose its power and you will be on your way to freedom.

Try Something New: In time, you will be able to see the pattern coming — to know its trigger points. That is the time to try something new. Challenge yourself. It will probably feel really awkward at first. Just hold to your intention of moving out of your old pattern and to finding a new way to be in relationship with yourself — a more loving and caring way. Experiment and keep your sense of humor until you find something that works. It might be an affirmation or a visualization of yourself doing, having and being what you really want. Fake it until you can truly embrace that perspective of yourself. It takes time, but it does work and finding your freedom is worth whatever that takes.

Expectations: The funny thing about expectations is that they take us out of the present and energetically place a demand on the future. It’s like saying, “This is what I want, and I won’t accept anything else.”

Observations: Notice if there are certain areas of your life or individuals that you try to control more than others. Notice how it feels when you are attached to your expectations.

Good Questions: Am I setting myself up for disappointment? What happens when my expectations don’t match reality? Can I accept the possibility that something other than my preferences might actually be a better outcome?

Personal Detective Work: Explore your relationship to the unforeseen and unknown forces of life. To what degree are you trying to control your life? Are you willing to be vulnerable to the unknown? Watch yourself in action in these regards.

Try Something New: As you become more familiar with the ways that you set up expectations about how you think the future needs to be for you to be happy, practice intentionally letting those points of view go. Choose into the serendipity of life. Know your preferences, but trust that something even better for your highest good might be available to you if you would just open up to the possibility.

Giving Your Power Away: One of the greatest sources of personal unhappiness is playing victim to the authority of others. When you don’t know how to live from a place of your own inner truth, you end up living your life in relationship to the preferences of other people rather than as an expression of your truth.

Observations: Notice if you tend to live from the inside-out or the outside-in. In other words, are your thoughts and actions a true reflection of your personal beliefs, values and preferences or do you wait for the other person to let you know what they want and then react to that?

Good Questions: What’s more important to you — knowing and being true to yourself or pleasing other people? When you are making plans with other people, do you give your honest input or withhold it because you know or suspect that it won’t be what others want?

Personal Detective Work: Watch yourself in action. Do you freely participate or do you follow others? If you are a follower, notice what your motivation is. Are you trying to keep the peace? Are you avoiding conflict or other unpleasant consequences?

Try Something New: Practice participating. Practice making your point of view matter. Find little ways at first to build confidence and provide input. For example, if the other person wants to see one movie and you want to see another, consider drawing straws or seeing both movies a week apart. Find some way to honor your own preferences.

Do any of these self-limiting beliefs and behaviors sound familiar to you? If so, consider letting yourself be free to be who you really are. Can you think of other ways that you limit yourself? What could you do differently to stop holding yourself back?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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A User’s Guide to Human Consciousness

Human consciousness encompasses the full, complex and multi-dimensional range of our awarenesses, perceptions, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, preferences and desires. It is the basis upon which we make choices and take action in our lives. Whether we pay attention to the fluid dance of our consciousness or not, whether we question our point of view or not, we move on creating, promoting and allowing what comes forward in our lives.

We are living in extraordinary times where human consciousness is concerned. Our sense of our individual selves, our collective identity and the complex interaction of our individual and collective attitudes, beliefs and sensitivities has become a fascinating field of study. Psychologists, leading edge biologists, physiologists, biochemists, neuroscientists, physicists, and others are all attempting to understand the complexities of human consciousness. Spirituality, psychology, and science are now working together to discover ever more subtle levels of connection between our bodies, minds and spirits as well as their respective and collective influences on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Neuroscientists have discovered that repetitive thoughts form neural pathways as neurons that fire together get wired together. They use the term “neuroplasticity” to refer to the fact that our brains have the ability to change our synaptic wiring.

We live our lives sometimes being alert and aware of what is going on and other times running on autopilot with our forward momentum being determined by filters of how we responded to past experiences. We are quite literally creating our own reality through our beliefs, fears, hopes and dreams, either letting them operate unconsciously on autopilot or by directing them through conscious intentions.

When we are running on autopilot, we selectively perceive our experiences by interpreting them in a way that is in alignment with our existing beliefs, fears, hopes and dreams. This in turn causes our expressions to be self-fulfilling prophesies of our mindset. Over time, when we are running on autopilot, new experiences simply serve to validate and reinforce our existing way of being in the world — our autopilot responses to future experiences.

Here is an example of how running on autopilot works. Let’s say that an individual has a belief that she is not good enough to be loved. Unless and until she becomes aware of the fact that she holds this belief, it will run in her consciousness on autopilot affecting her thoughts, feelings and behaviors. The thoughts that flow from this belief will be self-deprecating, like “nobody loves me” and “all the other girls are prettier than I am.” On a sensory level, without an effective intervention in this belief cycle, she is likely to feel very sad and eventually depressed. Her behaviors will likely include self-isolation, rejection of herself as “not good enough” or rejection of others as “thinking they are so great.” Waves of similar thoughts, feelings, and behaviors flow through her until her way of being in this world is a fait accompli of her belief.

The good news is that somewhere along the line she may be given the opportunity to see herself in a different light and to choose to support that new perspective with different thoughts, feelings and behaviors until she establishes a new way of being and perceiving herself. For example, let’s say she reads a book that sparks the idea that she is not thinking very highly of herself. She may decide she’d like to change that and starts to notice that she is always thinking negatively about herself and feeling unlovable and as though she doesn’t fit in. She gets the idea to keep track of every time she notices those thoughts and feelings each day and to begin to respond to them with a different point of view. Perhaps she works with an affirmation like “I am lovable and I am loved” that she repeats every time she notices the negativity. This will likely kick up a bit of a dialogue in her mind between the old and new thoughts. If she persists, eventually the new sense of self will gain momentum and she will be set on a path of new feelings and actions emerging from her more positive sense of self until it becomes established as her new way of being.

Autopilot is not all bad. For example, when we establish healthy habits like eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep and having a healthy sense of self, we can put them on autopilot and not think about them unless and until we have the need to change them. However, autopilot can get us in trouble if we have negative patterns running us and we aren’t even aware of it. The degree to which we allow our negativity to run on autopilot (without conscious awareness) is the degree to which we are powerless over it. In order to take ownership of the quality of our lives, we need to create awareness in the present moment in order to have the power to make different choices. Until then, we are as actors, playing our parts in a drama woven out of our illusions.

Clearly, it would be exhausting to be conscious of everything that happens to us. So, autopilot is essential. However, in those times when we become aware of the fact that we are caught in negativity and want to change that, creating through conscious intention is our path to freedom.

When we create through conscious intention, we either affirm or alter our existing beliefs, fears, hopes and dreams based on newly encountered input. This causes different thoughts and feelings, which in turn result in new behaviors and ways of being and experiencing our lives. We have the ability to consciously direct our thoughts and feelings through the power of intention, thus taking a far more active role in creating, promoting, and allowing what we have in our lives.

It can take great patience and repetitive action to recognize and change imbedded beliefs to improve the quality of our inner lives. But, it is well worth it!

The state of our consciousness forms the bedrock upon which the dramas of our lives unfold. When our perceptions of ourselves, others and the world we live in are based on little or no conscious awareness and intention to create greater health and well-being, our lives are defined by the autopilot recycling of our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. We exist in a veiled state where our experiences are automatically filtered through our attitudes, judgments, illusions, delusions, memories, and memory patterns, thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes, and dreams. Within the privacy of our own consciousness — in the theater of our mind — we create our own sense of reality, which we inhabit as our role in the great drama of life. It is a complex structure, like a skeletal system for our consciousness.

To step into the process of creating our lives through conscious intention, unencumbered by all of this is to simply be free and authentic, with a sense of personal accountability and responsibility for our own creations. The act of intention creates momentum and the elevation of our consciousness takes place on the energy of our intentions.

When our consciousness is present in the moment, we live in our authenticity, encountering and integrating our new experiences, open to change and alteration as appropriate. There becomes a fluidity and aliveness to our experiences rather than a rote repetition of the past. We let go of our story, as we awaken to the magnificence of the presence of each moment of which we are a part. We learn to live from a deep place of resonance and truth within ourselves with an internal rather than an external focus of our attention.

Indeed, we are each responsible for how we use our consciousness. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to see a stream of courses in our education system that empowered us to understand how our consciousness works?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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How to Keep Negativity at Arm’s Length

What if we stopped fighting against people and situations we perceive as our enemies. What if we accepted them exactly as they are and as having the right to exist? What if we invested our energy in living, doing and being the change we want, rather than depleting our energy fighting against what is present?

I have spent much of my life fighting windmills, telling myself it shouldn’t be this way. With 20/20 hindsight and having gained a bit of wisdom here and there, I now see the image of myself flailing my arms against my perceived adversary; who with a hand on my head, held me just beyond my arm’s length. Even at the age of 16, I wrote a poem about raging at reality, wanting to be free. I perceived my entrapment and desired freedom to lie out there. I wanted to change the world — to make it a kinder, more caring place for all people. But really, I wanted the world to be kinder and more caring towards me. I wanted other people to change their behavior so I could suffer less. It took time for me to realize that my freedom awaited me inside my own heart and mind.

Sometimes the public and private situations we most abhor are actually serving us. They cleanse and balance out past actions; they bring to awareness the undesirable consequences we overlooked while making past choices. When we misinterpret actions and motivations — our own and those of others — it is easy to romanticize or personalize what has happened; we create idealistic justifications for our reactions that, in fact, may not be justified at all.

Now that I am older, and hopefully a bit wiser, I see things very differently. I have discovered that when I fight against something, I attach my energy to the very thing I want to change. I am learning to use disturbances as motivators to create, promote and allow more of what I do want in my life and the world at large. Thus, instead of being against something, I am for something else.

Here’s a great example. A client of mine, now in her 60’s, has been deeply disturbed all her life by her older sister’s disdainful treatment of her. My client has tried all sorts of strategies for bridging the gap between them, driven by her belief that the status quo is wrong and, albeit, unhealthy and needs to be fixed.

From my client’s point of view, it shouldn’t be this way. She thinks her sister should be loving and kind to her, and that they should have a healthy relationship. I appreciate her idealistic vision. However, whether consciously or unconsciously, her sister is choosing to stand in critical opposition toward my client, and that is her prerogative.

For the most part, we don’t have laws against emotional tyranny, which runs rampant in many families and other relationships. So, it is up to each of us to do our best to look after our own best interest.

In my client’s case, she finally triumphed over her own emotional duress by stepping out of the line of fire. How? She stepped out of the belief that her relationship with her sister should be any different than it is. This allowed her to see that her pain was a result of her own expectations that the situation should be different, rather than from anything her sister was doing or not doing.

They saw each other recently for the first time in five years. As always, her sister, surrounded by an entourage of her immediate family, shunned and avoided my client. But for the first time, my client stopped making her sister wrong and instead accepted her sister’s right to behave as she chose. She focused her own attention on making choices about how to take care of herself in this encounter. She did so by having an inner dialogue about forgiveness for herself, her sister and their not being able to have a healthy relationship.

When judgments against her sister came up in her own mind, she refuted them, reminding herself that her sister gets to choose her own behavior. Instead of keeping track of everything her sister did and did not do, she chose to be as authentic as possible. She chose not to avoid them, but rather to be present at the gathering. As a result, she had a good time visiting with other people who were delighted to see her. It’s all a matter of where we place our attention.

When we surrender our attitude of againstness, we can focus instead on being and doing the best we can in all the situations in our lives. This way we have a far better chance of staying present in our authentic selves, fully participating in, and learning from, our life experiences.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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The True Face of Prejudice

I happen to think that the singular evil of our time is prejudice. It is from this evil that all other evils grow and multiply. In almost everything I’ve written there is a thread of this: a man’s seemingly palpable need to dislike someone other than himself.
–Rod Serling

When we encounter someone who does not resonate as “just like me” we are facing a moment of profound choice. Our response reflects the deepest instinct of our heart. Unfortunately, far too many of us respond without even thinking about it, with prejudicial thoughts about the person’s race, religion, ethnicity, body, clothing, or differences in social class, sexual orientation, age or disability, or any other variation that gives us the illusion that we are better than someone else. People find all sorts of reasons to pre-judge one another, building walls of separation rather than strengthening our human community.

A recent experience I had with prejudice motivated me to write this article to call for a greater sense of accountability for how we treat one another. I just moved into a beautiful newly-built apartment in the village of my town. It is a building that houses two apartments and is designed to fit into the architectural style of this established quiet neighborhood. While waiting for the construction to be completed before moving in, I learned that 40 neighbors had signed a petition to try and block the construction. Why? They were concerned that people who rent would bring down the neighborhood. They perceived us as people of a lower class and therefore undesirable. Part of the irony here is that a dilapidated old house that was considered an eyesore was removed from this property to build this nice, new two-apartment dwelling. I feel sorry for these people that their worldview is so very small and that their hearts have so many conditions.

No matter if our response to another person is on autopilot or deeply thought out, we are responsible for how we view one another, and consequently, how we treat each other. Sad to say, most of us could use a bit of remedial attention in this area of our consciousness.

It is one thing to have a preference, but quite another to be prejudiced against someone by rejecting him or her for being different. If we could just bring our consciousness present to the moment of our reaction, we might see that instead of stepping into a judgment of another as “less than me” or undesirable because they are different, we have the opportunity instead to step into gratitude for the abundance and grace that we perceive ourselves to have and to be gracious to the other person. Ironically, our choice says everything about us and really nothing at all about the other person. It is a matter of whether the door of our consciousness is open to variations on the theme of what it means to be human or shut because we are threatened by dissimilarity.

I think that when we look below the surface of any prejudice we find insecurity and fear. Prejudice says far more about the one who prejudges than it does about the one who is being judged. It tells us the one who judges is compelled to put someone else down to feel elevated. It tells us that the one who judges is scared of being how the other is perceived to be. It tells us that the one who judges attaches much value to his or her own relative stature and that this stature is an essential ingredient of his or her sense of self worth.

No matter what form it comes in, prejudice boils down to creating a hierarchical separation between yourself and someone else. Whether rejecting the other or preserving your own status, the net result is separation. As Judith Light says, “Bigotry or prejudice in any form is more than a problem; it is a deep-seeded evil within our society.” Not only are we responsible for the consequences of our attitudes, but our children either learn and absorb prejudices from us or become prejudiced against people like their parents, and the cycles of judgment go round and round. Wouldn’t it be smarter for us as individuals and collectively as a society to teach ourselves and our children:

  • To develop a healthy curiosity about the differences between people;
  • To understand that most of the ways in which we differ are out of our control;
  • That being different isn’t right or wrong — it’s just different;
  • To enjoy the variations on the theme of being human;
  • To be compassionate and charitable toward those who are actually less fortunate than we are;
  • To expand rather than to contract when faced with differences;
  • To develop the ability to discern the distinction between differences that are simply interesting and those that might merit some careful consideration.

Personally, I don’t think it would be much fun or very interesting to live in a world where everyone looks the same, earns the same amount of money, is culturally and ethnically the same, has the same level of intelligence, sexual orientation and body weight. Boring! I like our differences. But, I don’t like how ubiquitous prejudice is in our society. We seem to accept and tolerate it as though it were a normal way to be. Even for those of us who call ourselves “spiritual” or “a good person” it might be wise to take stock of our own behavior around prejudice. Do you experience prejudicial reactions to any individual or group of people? If so, are you willing to make the effort to change that by choosing a path of kindness that respects the dignity of all people? Einstein said “It is harder to crack a prejudice than an atom.” That may be so, but the benefit to us, to those we judge, to our society and future generations is well worth the effort. Let’s learn to be intolerant of our own intolerance.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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What Does it Mean to Be Your Authentic Self?

 

This above all:

To thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

— Shakespeare

 

“To thine own self be true.” That is about the soundest advice you could get. But, what does it really mean? How do you know who you really are, let alone how to be true to yourself?

Let’s look first at the “Who am I?” question. Like peeling the layers of an artichoke, you go through many layers before you get to the delicious heart of who you are, and it seems that each layer is more and more succulent. Most of the outer labels of our identity place us in boxes or categories relative to other people. We might identify ourselves by race, gender, religion, political views, occupation, and so on. Many of those labels were given to us by birth or circumstance and all of them inform our point of view. But none of them are who we are — they are simply categories of relative identification and the preferences of our egos.

The more we live on the surface of our identity, the less we are in touch with our deeper self. We live in a world of “reality” television and the endless bombardment of media impressions that seek to influence our thoughts and behaviors. They give the impression that we are nothing more than superficial, selfish, judgmental and greedy individuals competing for center stage on the top of the heap. It’s a sad social commentary, but thankfully not much help in getting to know our true selves. The problem is that the more we look outside of ourselves to create a sense of self, the farther off track we go. How can we know who we truly are when we spend our time and attention trying to be something other than what we find ourselves to be? No amount of changing ourselves for the purpose of being perceived as cool or fashionable or getting the approval of others is going to bring us any closer to really knowing ourselves.

For most of my life I have been exploring the profound questions of human existence: Who am I? What is the purpose of human existence? And, of course, the God question. The answers I have gathered so far are my answers and do not necessarily ring true for others. One of life’s greatest ironies is that when it comes to esoteric and spiritual matters, “knowing” is a personal experience — not an absolute. What I “know” to be true, I know inside myself and can provide no proof to another who does not resonate with the same truth.

For each of us, our truest life purpose becomes seeking answers to the deep questions of life and then living in accordance with what we find to be true. Like turning on an inner light, it is as though we have to awaken something inside ourselves. Once we have done that, our inner knowing seems to have a voice that, if we listen to it, guides us in our daily choices. This is not the voice of personal opinions, judgments and preferences. It comes from a deeper place than that, and with practice and time we can learn to tell the difference between the voice of our ego and the voice of our authentic self. For me, it took a lot of time and experimentation to distinguish between these two voices. Now, the difference is very clear to me. The challenge is in choosing to listen to my true self rather than to my ego when they don’t agree.

Now, I know that I am being authentic when I am making a choice that creates a resonance of affirmation inside of me. Alternatively, I have learned to recognize the lack of resonance as well — even for simple things. For example, the other day a friend enthusiastically proposed we go shopping at the nearby outlet stores. Her invitation went clunk inside of me, so I declined and suggested something else that passed my inner test of resonance. Ultimately, we were unable to find something that worked for us both and chose not to get together at all. I’ve learned that if we had tried to force it, at least one of us would probably have been out of sorts. When I listen to my inner feedback system, I find my life is easier, more graceful and I am more peaceful inside. When I fight against it or ignore it is when I get into trouble and find myself disconnected from what I am doing or who I am with and I become irritable inside. It’s like having an internal GPS that tells me where my truth is.

Living from a place of profound authenticity involves being rooted in your deepest beliefs, values and truth and living a life that is a true reflection of them. It is about being true to yourself through your thoughts, words and actions. It means being willing to sacrifice any relationship, situation or circumstance that violates your truth. For example, if you are in a job or relationship that requires you to function in a way that is not in accord with your truth, you leave it. Does this mean you will live a charmed life? No, you will still have your share of sorrows as well as sweetness in your life. However, you will have the wisdom of knowing who you are to guide you. The more you practice listening to your inner wisdom, the less friction and discord you will find yourself creating in your life.

Will you ever be perfect at honoring your own truth? No, but you can strive for excellence. It’s largely a matter of where you place your focus. By holding the intention of being true to yourself, you focus your attention on whatever resonates with your truth. It becomes a self-editing process where you do more and more of those things that express your truth and less and less of those that do not. Through a clear intention and paying attention, you learn to hold yourself accountable. Through discipline and commitment you learn to do your best to live according to who you know yourself to be. That’s profound authenticity, and it sure beats the alternative!

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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Feeling Isolated and Alone This Holiday Season?

Do you think everyone else is going to have a wonderful Thanksgiving except you? Does it feel like you are the only one who isn’t going to be having a warm and fuzzy time? You are not alone! There are so many people who feel alone and isolated over the holidays while others are all about eating, drinking and being merry. It’s a terrible feeling whether you have no invitations and will be spending the holiday alone or you will be spending yet another Thanksgiving alone in a crowd. The truth be told, whatever your circumstances, it is all a matter of perspective that determines how you will experience your situation.

I’ve spent many holidays alone and done everything from being miserable, feeling sorry for myself and making others wrong for not inviting me to preparing myself a full-on Thanksgiving feast for one. I’ve also spent many a Thanksgiving at someone else’s table feeling lonely and pathetic — being taken in because I didn’t belong anywhere and someone was kind enough to invite me. Basically, I’ve had just about every kind of Thanksgiving there is — even the wonderful kind. Each one has come and gone. The best ones, I have found, have not necessarily been merry and delicious, but rather the ones when I learned something about myself by fully experiencing and taking ownership of what was true for me without blaming or judging myself or others. I just accepted and worked with whatever my truth and circumstances were.

If you find yourself on a trajectory of anticipating an awful Thanksgiving one way or another, consider what you might do to change that. Ultimately, how you experience that day or any other is largely a reflection of your attitude which will determine the options you see or don’t see. If all you see is that you are alone and you are busy feeling sorry for yourself, then your self-fulfilling prophecy will be that you are sure to be alone and unhappy. On the other hand, given the same prospect of being alone, but being willing to make the effort to be with others (if that is what you want) then you might consider the following options:

  • Is there someone you could call and ask to be included in their gathering?
  • Call around and find others who will be alone and host a gathering.
  • Where might you volunteer to help provide a nice meal to those who can’t afford it otherwise?
  • See if there is a restaurant that has a large table for people who would otherwise be alone to share a meal together or find a community group that offers a similar possibility.

If the prospect of being with others is not what you really want this particular year, how about asking yourself what you could do to experience the spirit of Thanksgiving on your own? For example, you might make or buy or have delivered your favorite meal, which might not be turkey. You might rent a movie or read a book that helps put you in touch with what you are grateful for in your life. You might create a sacred ritual for yourself that enable you to claim the riches of your life and take the time to really connect deeply with your gratitude. The possibilities are as grand as your imagination.

The truth be told, many of those who are gathering together are wishing they were somewhere else. If you tend to feel alone in a crowd at Thanksgiving, what could you do differently this year? Is there someone in that crowd you might sit with and have a meaningful conversation. If there are children there, might they lift your spirits? Play with them. Or, maybe you could help out in the kitchen and feel good about being of service to your host. The point is to find something to do other than feeling sorry for yourself.

If this is a tender time for you because you have recently lost a loved one, pay particular attention to your needs. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Maybe being with others who might try too hard to compensate for your loss might not be what you need this year. If you need to be alone with your grief, then let it rip. Stay in your pajamas for the day and eat cold pizza and cry if that’s what works for you. Be true to your own experience — whatever it is. But, know that you have choices and choose wisely what will serve you best.

The point is that you are a powerful creator and have but to choose to create a wonderful Thanksgiving for yourself. So, if things aren’t shaping up to your liking this Thanksgiving, do something about it. It’s not too late to choose to make the most of any situation. One way or another you are going to spend your time and energy. It’s your choice if you want to see your glass as half empty or half full. My wish is that you be very good to yourself this Thanksgiving and if you aren’t going to be with people you love and enjoy being with, then take a good look at yourself in the mirror and love yourself upside down and sideways!

If you are hosting a gathering, take a moment and think about the people in your life who might be delighted to have an invitation to join you. A simple act of kindness goes a very long way — especially during the holidays.

I encourage readers to add comments and suggestions below to help inspire others to find their way through this holiday season with compassion and kindness.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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The Greatest Gift

I have a bowl with the Ralph Waldo Emerson quote, “The greatest gift is a portion of thyself.” One day recently, I placed it on my new coffee table. The next morning, I discovered that my obviously gifted cat, Finnegan, had placed his favorite toy in the bowl. Random? You may think so. Call me crazy, but that just warmed the cockles of my heart through and through.

That got me thinking about the message in that bowl and how wonderful it would be if we actually did give of ourselves — of the depths of our hearts to delight, rejoice, cheer and warm each other over the holiday season. Presents are nice, but let’s face it — shopping can be a hassle and we so often miss the mark leaving our gift recipients to politely thank us for something they wish they never received.

Other than paying money for gifts, or in addition to it, how about going on a spending spree of loving and caring. What might that look like? What special gifts or talents do you have that you might share this holiday season without calling attention to them as a gift from you? How might you spread some cheer to warm the cockles of some other hearts this year?

Setting the intention of bringing upliftment to others is a great place to start. The power of intention is that we have the capacity to direct our thoughts, emotions and actions. So, how about intending to spread a little cheer — not just to those on your list of loved ones, but to everyone you meet. Try simply smiling at total strangers when you are out and about. You’d be surprised at how many people light up and smile back at you. Or, when you are in line to pay in the store, make an effort to connect with the sales clerk. Wish him or her a happy holiday as though you really mean it. Again, you might be surprised at how much joy you can bring to others by just making the tiniest of effort.

Consider the relatives or friends you usually see over the holidays who bore you or in some way fall short of how you wish they could be in your ideal world. Do you typically express impatience or disinterest in them? Do you avoid them at gatherings? What if you challenged yourself not to do that this year, but rather to find a way to be kind and compassionate with them.

Is there someone you might invite to your gathering who might otherwise be alone for the holiday? Or is there an elderly neighbor or friend who might welcome a helping hand? Is there a service project you might participate in to help those less fortunate than you?

There are so many ways to give of ourselves that don’t cost any money. The price is our time and authentic caring. Setting the intention to bring a little cheer straight from your heart to others is all it takes. The willingness to do creates the ability to do. Even if you have no idea what you could do, just set the intention to figure it out and you will be amazed at the opportunities that show up when you are open to seeing them. These are such hard times for so many people and a little human kindness goes a very long way. Write a heartfelt card to someone. Bake cookies for the staff where a loved one is hospitalized or living. Reach out to someone who has lost a loved one recently and is facing the holidays with a heart full of grief.

Recognize that we are all connected. Don’t limit your heartfelt caring to just those who are interesting and fun for you. Expand your circle of kindness and compassion. Be an ambassador of good cheer — just like my little Finnegan did for me!

Please share your thoughts on ways we can all be more thoughtful and caring with each other over this holiday season. What is your holiday pet peeve and what would be a good antidote? Let’s all do our part to share from the depths of our hearts to delight, rejoice, cheer and warm each other over the holiday season.

Happy holidays everyone.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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Stress and Family: Spending Holidays With ‘Loved Ones’ Who Aren’t Very Nice to You

Below the surface of many family holiday gatherings are mini dramas playing out, contemporary grudges and resentments and unresolved childhood issues. Nothing hurts with such emotional depth as these familial battles. For the tender-hearted, this can be a psychological mine field while self-righteous bullies reign unchallenged. Many silently suffer through these events while dutifully and unconsciously assuming their childhood role as the family black sheep or underdog. Those in secondary roles are often either complicit or oblivious, leaving the underdog to fend for his or herself. Here are seven strategies for doing it differently this year.

Strategy 1: See it for what it is. The bottom line of these battles is that they are mere reflections of the level of consciousness of the participants involved. Most bullies and tyrants have failed to evolve psychologically past their childhoods and are simply functioning out of a juvenile state of consciousness. Typically, they are caught in a win/lose mentality that drives them to perceive themselves as a winner at the expense of someone else. Putting you down is driven by a desperate attempt to put themselves up. In this sense, you are simply a means to an end and their attack on you is really nothing personal. You cannot evolve another person’s consciousness for them. Any attempt to address the matter head on with them will simply further ignite their battle position. On the flip side of this, is there any merit to the accusations and judgments lodged against you? If so, are you willing or able to change? If so, only do so for your own highest good and not to seek the approval of others.

Strategy 2: Stay conscious in the present and study how the dynamic works. Remember, it takes two to tango. Play detective with the situation and notice how this other person gets to you. Is it through sarcastic remarks? Giving you the silent treatment? Disdainful looks? Just how do they communicate their rejection and judgment of you? How do they hook you into their game? Pay attention to your own behavior as well. Do you comply by feeling and behaving like a victim? Do you try to defend yourself against their attacks? Does this drama dominate your entire experience? How do you buy in to this other person’s point of view?

Strategy 3: Stand tall in your own integrity and truth. Be at the cause of your own behavior rather than at the effect of others. Stop behaving in relationship to this person. Don’t buy into the familiar emotional territory of your childhood. Be your own grown-up person. Stop focusing on them and focus on yourself. Be who you know yourself to be rather than jumping into the underdog or black sheep costume of your childhood. Get out of reactionary mode and simply be yourself. By moving your attention away from the bully, you stop feeding on or into the situation.

Strategy 4: Stop wanting or expecting the other person to change. Before entering the situation, psyche yourself up. Remind yourself that this other person is probably never going to change his or her behavior toward you. Make your consciousness big enough to let that happen without being the center of your attention. Make peace with it. Let it be so without trying to change it in any way. Focus instead on learning how to stay true to yourself in the presence of someone who belittles you. Stop giving them your power. Remember that both of you have the freedom to choose how you will behave. Take the high road and don’t expect them to join you.

Strategy 5: Practice forgiveness. If you find yourself having a hard time with the situation, launch yourself into forgiveness mode in the privacy of your own mind. Forgive yourself for judging yourself for any judgments you have against yourself or the other person. Keep doing this as judgments come up. Neutralize them with forgiveness. If you don’t really feel the forgiveness, do it anyway — fake it till you make it.

Strategy 6: Step free of the drama and choose to have a healthy, good time. Setting and holding to the intention of doing it differently goes a very long way. Choose out of the drama and into having an authentically good time. Give more of your attention and interest to other people at the gathering. Help out in the kitchen. Just find some way to do it all differently. If you typically sit in a corner, get up and mingle. Find a buffer — someone you can engage with to shift your focus. Just do whatever it takes to keep moving your attention away from the drama and into finding new ways to be with your family. By doing it differently, you will elicit different responses.

Strategy 7: Strike out on your own for the holidays. If your family gatherings are simply unbearable for you, don’t go! There is no law that you have to spend the holidays with your family. What does the holiday mean to you? If it is about being with your family — then figure out how to do that using the first six strategies above and evolve a place for yourself that nurtures and supports you. If the meaning of the holiday is about the deeper religious message it brings, then find other people to be with who share your beliefs. Maybe you just want to have a light-hearted time. If so, then give yourself the gift of creating that for yourself with our without other people. Take ownership of your own experience and create a happy and blessed holiday for yourself.

The holidays come and go every year. Don’t stay stuck in a bad emotional drama. The willingness to do it differently will always create the means and ability you need. Trust yourself and have the courage to step free. Happy holidays, everyone.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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