Archive for category: Consciousness/Thriving

Party Politics or Democracy?

I never write about my political point of view for two reasons – I don’t consider myself to be well-enough informed to do so, and it is difficult to be heard without choosing sides. Yet one side only seems to listen to the other to formulate a counter argument. No one really listens to the other’s message with any concern for the well-being of those holding a different point of view. As soon as one’s point of view sides with one party or the other, it merely affirms one’s party message and turns off those from the other party from hearing what you have to say. But today, I am writing as neither a Democrat nor a Republican, but as an American citizen who is concerned that we as a nation have lost our way in terms of what we stand for and are willing to lay down our lives for.

I am currently reading The Mueller Report. While President Trump is concerned about being declared innocent and building a wall to secure our southern national border, I am concerned about violations to my autonomy as a voting citizen to truly make up my own mind about what I believe to be in the country’s best interest, based on facts rather than the manipulation of my point of view by foreign and domestic influencers.

It is extremely naïve for any of us to believe that the U.S. is “good” and Russia and others who have manipulated our elections are “bad.” The 2/17/2018 New York Times article, Russia Isn’t the Only One Meddling in Elections. We Do It, Too reminds us that the U.S. has done its share of election meddling both at home and abroad as well. But, I don’t think these tactics are the point here. 

Rather there is a fundamental international issue at play here that threatens two basic principles: 

  • national sovereignty (a nation’s right to determine its own governance)
  • the moral battle between dictatorial rule, where individual rights are suppressed and one individual or political party dictates what happens with no checks or balances on their power, OR a democracy where the supreme power is vested in the people and exercised through a system of representation and periodic free elections

It is a sobering moment to look now at our country and see that we too violate the sovereignty of other nations even though we excuse ourselves by justifying our actions as serving our commitment to democracy. But where is our democracy? When I look at the respective pursuits of the Democrats and Republicans, I don’t see a shared commitment to the preservation of our democracy and the rule of law. I see self-interest and party politics being held in much higher regard than the form of governance our founding fathers so carefully envisioned for us. Polarization and opposition rule while cooperation and a shared vision of democracy are seen as naïve and unrealistic goals in the heat of the battles we are fighting amongst ourselves. How do gerrymandering and party politics serve we the people of the United States? Why don’t we all want to know what is in The Mueller Report enough to actually sit down and read it? If there is even a slight chance that our president has violated his vow of office, why aren’t we all interested in an impeachment inquiry to get at the truth of the matter so we can decide what to do? Why are we more concerned about the impact that such an action would have on the 2020 election than on our current safety and the well-being of our democracy?

The either/or consciousness of party politics does not value the highest good of all concerned. It is all about “I win and therefore you lose.” Is this the best we can do? What is it going to take for us to rise above this dynamic of trying to shove our point of view down each other’s throat rather than to work together to figure out how to sustain a healthy democracy and truly serve the highest good of ALL Americans. Rather than trying to silence each other and disregard each other’s concerns, when are we going to evolve our consciousness high enough to see ALL Americans should matter to all politicians regardless of party affiliations.

United we stand, divided we fall.

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The Trouble with Assumptions and Expectations

Assumptions and expectations carry the same fatal flaw – they create a preconceived notion about the future that we relate to as if it should become reality.

When life unfolds and doesn’t match our assumption or expectation we can be caught off-guard and unprepared for what has happened. Here is a simple demonstration I use to help clients reconcile their disappointments caused by holding preconceived notions.

On a blank sheet of paper, put a dot in the bottom left corner representing reality. Then a dot in the top right corner denotes your preconceived expectations and assumptions. When reality doesn’t turn out as you expect or want it to, you connect these dots with negative emotional reactions in an effort to resolve the tension.

The insidious part of this is that it is usually happening without our awareness. We end up blaming and judging others for not measuring up to our imagined reality.

By setting up preconceived notions about how we want our experiences to be, we plant the seeds of our own unhappiness. 

Consider the following scenario: Jane and Nash are on their third date. He picked her up in his car, and they had a nice time together at dinner. They went to a comedy club, and then to a bar for drinks. He invited her to come home with him away from the city where she lives. She was caught off-guard, and wasn’t on the same page in terms of where they are in the relationship. She paniced, and said no. He was annoyed and sarcastically suggested she pay for their drinks. He cut the evening short, and sent her home in an Uber.

Nash had an agenda. He assumed that they would have sex on their third date and expected her to say yes. When she didn’t, he was mad and acted that out by having her pay for the drinks and go home in a cab. His preconceived reality did not have room in it for her to behave any differently than he wanted her to.

How might this have looked if he wasn’t operating out of expectations and assumptions? Here are two possibilities. Had Nash been more tuned in to Jane’s reality he might have realized she wasn’t ready to take their relationship to the next level. Instead of inviting her home, he could have affirmed his affection for her and asked her how she was feeling about their relationship. Or, he might have gone ahead with his invitation but been open-minded about her response. In either of these two alternate scenarios, Nash would have been staying present in the moment and emotionally open and free in relationship to Jane’s experience. His focus would be more on wanting to know her better than demanding that she want what he wants when he wants it.

Here are some good questions to ask yourself:

  • Where do expectations and assumptions get in my way? 
  • Do I, or someone I know, behave in a way that is “my way or the highway”? 
  • Do I have any personal or professional relationships that repeatedly get snagged in misunderstandings, judgements, or a lack of cooperation? Do I see patterns of assumptions and expectations on either side that are preventing a healthy flow in the relationship?
  • In what ways do I demand that reality be the way I want it to be rather than the way it is?
  • What can I do to be more trusting of my ability to adapt to the realities of my life?

 

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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3 Shortcuts to Success

1. Don’t blame anyone.

Next time you feel mentally or emotionally out of balance, check in with yourself about these three points. Keeping them in mind can save you from a lot unnecessary distress. 

When something happens that you don’t like, do you immediately try to blame someone? If so, consider these two points:

  • Blaming assumes that something is wrong and it’s someone’s fault. That faulty assumption causes you to waste a lot of energy not only blaming someone but also justifying the fact that you are blaming them. Rather than accepting what is happening and figuring out how to best move through the situation, your energy gets caught up in a story you created to support your blaming action. Unfortunately, a lot of the stories we create in our heads don’t match what is really going on, and we waste our energy reacting to a figment of our imagination.
  • Acceptance is a healthy alternative to a habitual pattern of blaming and judging others. As soon as you see yourself starting to play the blame and judgment game, stop. Nip it in the bud. Conserve your energy by choosing to break the habit. Most of us are conditioned to react negatively when something happens that we don’t like. Blaming is part of this knee jerk reaction. Life is not all pleasant. Choose to build tolerance for the things you don’t like and work on finding healthy ways to move through them with as little resistance as possible.

2. Stay focused in the present.

The present moment is the only one in which you can take any action. When we focus our attention on the past or future, we are not available to respond to whatever is going on in our present moment. If something about the past or future is of concern to you, ask yourself if there is something you can do in the present moment to address your concern. What do you need to do differently in the present to make peace with the past or future? If there is something that needs to get done – do it. If not, choose to refocus your attention on the present moment. Choose to be present in this moment of your life.

3. Assume that everything is “for” your upliftment, learning, and growth.

Instead of seeking more of what you like and trying to sanitize your life of the experiences you don’t like, try accepting it all. Seek to be at peace inside yourself regardless of what is going on in your life and the world around you. When we get caught up in patterns of judging, avoiding, and fearing our life experiences, we are fighting a losing battle. Life gives us all a wide assortment of pleasant and undesirable experiences. Accept the normalcy of life being a mixed bag. Instead of playing the victim when your life doesn’t match your preferences, try raising your consciousness to a point of view where you can assume that everything that happens in your life is offering you an opportunity to lift yourself up, to learn, and to grow. Seek those three rather than transitory preferences and you will be way ahead in the game of life.

What other secrets of success help you stay well-balanced in your life? Please share your ideas to help others.

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Love: Lighting Each Other Up Inside

 

Years ago, I remember being disturbed by my spiritual teacher, John-Roger, describing love as activating or stimulating that place inside of each other where love resides. It seemed so unromantic. I had been raised to believe in the Valentine’s Day romantic version of love where you find love outside of yourself in that one special person who lights up your world and then, as the fairy tale goes, you live happily ever after.

What if love serves a different purpose in our lives than that? What if love is a kind of awakening of something that lives inside each of us? What if others who rouse that place of loving inside of us are simply serving us by reflecting to us the best that is within us? What if the point is not to find and grab ahold of one special person, but rather to figure out how to shine our own inner light of loving on as many people as possible to do our part to heal this world?

This is by no means a prescription for either sexual promiscuity or exclusivity. Sexual expression is a separate matter entirely. However, whether you are two friends, family members, or romantic partners, there is a fine line between a healthy relationship of love where two people are choosing to serve as awakeners and reminders of the power of love for each other and a dysfunctional bond where two people try to isolate, possess, and control each other.

If indeed love is something that already exists inside of us then perhaps the best way to celebrate Valentine’s Day is to use the light of love that exists inside of you to awaken and lift others to what is the best within them. Love is not out there. It is in here – inside each of us.

Let’s reclaim a higher purpose to Valentine’s Day than trying to seduce one another with gifts and romantic gestures that fuel a $22 billion industry. Consider taking the time to write love letters to the people in your life who serve to remind you of the best that is within you. Who are those people? How do they make you feel inside yourself? How do they inspire you? What are you most grateful for about having them in your life? Tell them. What greater gift could there possibly be?

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Preparing Your Inner Manger

When thinking about the questions, “What are we really doing here?” and “What is the purpose of life?” I always come up with the same answer.  We are preparing our inner manger – a place within ourselves in which the divine can dwell and nourish us.  The biblical story of the baby, Jesus, being placed in a manger symbolizes this.  While the structure of a manger is intended to hold food to feed animals, this humble place is sanctified by the reception of the baby, Jesus, as a source of nourishment for our souls. But, in order to receive this great gift of light, love, and wisdom, there is a precondition required. While the gifts of the divine are ever-present and overflowing, we must open ourselves to receive them or face spiritual starvation.

There is an image of Jesus as a grown man knocking on a door in a garden.  There is no handle on his side of the door because it is up to us to open that door to receive the divine consciousness.  But, how do we do that?  First, by becoming aware of the spiritual dimension of our lives.  Whether it is Jesus knocking, or Buddha, Hinduism, Islam, Taoism or some other language of spirit, invitations to spiritual inquiry and nourishment abound in our lives.  Many find spiritual inspiration from nature, or babies, or rituals, meditation, deep friendships, or simply entering into the solitude of self.  Opportunities abound!

However, it is easy to live a life of spiritual starvation, never knowing what you are missing.  The pull of the outer world of phenomena, seeking to do, be, or have something that you believe will complete you, will, in time, leave you hungry.  Many spend their lives endlessly seeking for fulfillment through romantic relationships, professional success, approval seeking from others, stimulating experiences, and material abundance only to find an inner hunger that none of these can satisfy.

I am reminded of Shel Silverstein’s book The Missing Piece.  How many of us spend our lifetime seeking to fill an insatiable inner void?  The manna of this world never sates our spiritual hunger.

If you feel that inner hunger, reach into it.  Don’t run away from it in search of the temporary fixes of the material world which only bring fleeting satisfaction to our egos.  Spiritual hunger is much deeper than that.  It is a knowing that something immaterial, pure, everlasting, and good is ever-present and non-inflictive within us and all around us – patiently awaiting our choice to activate our engagement with it.  Once we become aware of the spiritual dimension, we spend the rest of our lives preparing our inner manger.  No matter how humble a life we might seemingly lead, we are all spiritual royalty once we awaken to the presence of the divine in our lives.

Preparing our inner manger involves two types of activity.  First, we extend the invitation, open the door, and welcome the spiritual dimension into our lives.  We spend time getting acquainted with this part of ourselves and our life’s journey.  We make time to turn inward and upward within ourselves.  We learn to choose the high road when given a choice.  We seek and gain a perspective of altitude that allows us to perceive what is going on within our lives as an observer as well as a participant.  We become more sensitive and caring about the impact of our words and actions on others as well as on ourselves.  We become more consciously aware, paying attention to the experiences we have and the wisdom teachings they present to us.  Secondly, we enter into a state of willingness to let go of those things that block our relationship with spirit – things like addictions, compulsions, fears, and patterns of anger, judgment, and separation.  In time, we come to know ourselves as Pierre Teilhard de Chardin describes – not as human beings having a spiritual experience, but as spiritual beings having a human experience.

Preparing your inner manger is the most important work you can do.  It’s a 24/7 job  that pays us in the currency of inner peace.  Happy holidays, everyone.

To read more blogs by Judith Johnson or to learn more about her work, please go to www.judithjohnson.com .

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What is Your Deeper Calling and Are You Answering the Call?

It took me until my 60’s to deconstruct the persistent patterns of worries, fears and self-doubt that were preventing me from being the best version of myself I knew I could be.  Along the way, I realized that I wasn’t the only woman doing this particular dance.  As one who has always been compelled to help others, I recognized this was a key area where I wanted to serve others as well as myself once I figured out what was going on.

My journey taught me to study and practice new ways of seeing myself and the world.  The perennial wisdom teachings at the root of most spiritual traditions nourished me with an understanding of the necessity of love, kindness and compassion in our relationships with ourselves and others.  Participating in a multitude of personal growth trainings and working one-on-one with master practitioners of various healing modalities taught me to inhabit my own body, mind, heart, soul and life journey bearing responsibility for myself and my choices.  Finally, studying the field of human consciousness taught me exactly how we go about creating, promoting and allowing ourselves to be as we are and how we can change our experience of ourselves and the world by simply changing our perceptions and attitudes.

In 2016 this all coalesced into what has become my latest book, The 11 Keys to Consciously Thriving – a book to read until you live it by heart.  While my writings, mentoring and speaking serve both men and women, I have chosen to work primarily with smart, talented women with inner callings who find themselves held back by worries, fears and self-doubt.  I believe that women today have a very important role to play in shifting our cultural consciousness and our life priorities.

Later this year, I will be launching free, monthly, live on-line conversations focusing on women raising consciousness in the 21st century.  Most of us have too little time to nurture our friendships and be together with other women.  It is my hope that these on-line conversations will remind us to spend more time together – loving, caring, and supporting each other as we find our way forward.

Along these lines, I am enamored with the work of Tara Mohr and her concept of women being called to be on “The Transition Team” .  In Playing Big, Mohr says:

. . .when women play bigger, they change the world for the better, and – more precisely – they bring forward what is missing. . . . They call out the failings of the status quo.  They bring forward a more enlightened, humane way. .. . .It’s time to shift the women’s movement paradigm, from one of participation to one of transformation. . . .more and more women are finding that they want more than equal access to participation in outdated, often harmful systems.  We want to transform those systems to make them more just, more compassionate, more sustainable for the planet and for our families.  We want to add our ideas, our alternatives, our ways of working.  In other words, now that we have more power, we want to use it for good. [p 246-247]

. . . . Today women have access to participate in a public life, a professional life, and a political life that is not yet reflective of women’s voices or women’s ways of thinking, doing, and working.  That means that as we participate in those realms, we’ll often feel like outsiders, like strangers in a strange land.  It’s our job to not run away from that but, instead, take up our small piece of the transition team’s work, sharing our ideas, our voices, our callings in a way that is authentic to us.  By so doing, we’ll create a more balanced, sane culture, one reflective of both men’s and women’s voices. [p 250]

And so, my own work now focuses on helping other women to deconstruct persistent patterns of self-doubt, worries and concerns so they can raise their voices as they are called to do so in their own unique way.  To find out more about how I might help you to step forward in your calling, please explore my website, especially my Mentoring page and The Thriving Studio.

It’s so exciting to see other women stepping forward with more guts than fear to add their contributions to the quality of our individual and collective lives.  Here are some questions to ask yourself:

  • Am I listening to my deeper calling?
  • Do I have the guts to go for it in spite of my fears, worries and self-doubt?
  • What’s at stake if I don’t go for it?
  • What’s possible if I do go for it?

 

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Women Who Doubt Themselves

 

I’ve never met a woman who didn’t doubt herself in some way.  Our doubts and fears can either paralyze us or we can learn to hold steady in their presence, assess their content, diminish their power and move forward in spite of them.  It all boils down to how much power we give our doubts and fears.

 

It helps to know what doubts and fears are and that they really have a positive side to them. Imagine being a little girl who is just learning to walk and those moments when you maybe took a few steps farther away from your mom than you were comfortable with and ran back and threw your arms around her thigh.  Safety!  That’s the feeling of our comfort zone.  It’s largely an unconscious pull to stay where we feel safe and able to manage the options of what is familiar.  But, stepping outside into the unknown territory of what might happen if you move too far away from the familiar can be disorienting, unsettling and scary.  Crossing that line is when doubts and fears can either send you running for the safety of the familiar or present you with the opportunity to expand your comfort zone.

Think of doubts and fears as simply red flags that alert you to the fact that you are entering your uncomfortable zone.  “Get back! Get back!” they scream.  Imagine that instead of impulsively running back to safety you simply said, “Oh, thank you.  It’s OK.  I’ll take a look and decide what to do.”  What if you developed sufficient confidence and trust in your own ability to effectively evaluate whatever possible challenge comes your way and no longer felt the need to run for safety?  What if you began to feel safe even in the presence of doubts and fears?

Consider the fact that doubts and fears are nothing but figments of your own imagination.  They are the creation of thoughts and pictures in your mind that represent what you are most afraid will happen if you don’t run back to safety.  Perhaps you have heard the acronyms for the word Fear:

Fantasy Expectations Appearing Real

False Evidence Appearing Real

The sense of reality that fears carry is solely fueled by emotional investment in these possibilities.  Indeed, we can talk ourselves into or out of just about anything.

Most of us have autopilot responses to our fears – a set point of how much uncertainty and fearful possibilities we can tolerate.  But guess what?  You can change the setting!  Just start creating and investing in some positive figments of your imagination and start investing in them emotionally.  Dialogue with your fears.

There is also the fine art of pretending to not be afraid – feeling the fear and doing whatever it is you are afraid of anyway.  That’s something I learned to do as a young child as the youngest of three siblings.  My mother used to tell stories of how she would take us to the doctors to get a shot and the other two would run and hide from the doctor and I would step forward in front of him, puff out my chest, put my hands on my hips and declare, “I’m not afraid!”  But the truth was I was just as fearful as they were – it was my way of pretending to be more grown up than I was in hopes that they would accept and include me more.

Other great techniques to stabilize yourself in the presence of fear include such things as breathing into the fear, acknowledging the fear and consciously choosing to override it by creating more favorable imaginings and choosing to maintain your sense of well-being in the presence of doubts and fears.  Remember, fears and doubts are just doing their job to help you feel safe inside so they throw up scary images whenever you are overstepping your comfort zone.  But here’s the deal – we never know until we try.  Look at your life and ask yourself are there things I really want to experience that I am forfeiting for the sake of feeling comfortable? What do I need to do to reassure myself when I get afraid or start second-guessing myself?  It’s your choice – keep running for safety or explore and expand and find out what you are capable of doing, having and being.  Playing it safe costs you a world of possibilities.

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Where Do We Go From Here?

 

For 8 years now, the Democrats have accused the Republicans of foul play for their obstructionist behavior and lack of support of Obama as president of our land.  Tomorrow, the 45th president of the United States will be inaugurated and I confess to being among those who cannot say his name and the title ‘President’ in the same sentence.  At least 60 Democratic Senators and Representatives are boycotting the event and huge numbers of Americans plan to protest on Friday.

Even many Republicans are stunned and concerned about having a hot-tempered, loose cannon president who tweets insults to anyone who disagrees with him and wants to move the press out of the White House.  Many of us fear a new kind of Mccarthyism or echoes of Hitler in a man who appears to be driven by such an enormous ego that perhaps he loses sight of his responsibility to serve the needs of ALL Americans rather than simply proving his wheeling and dealing prowess boasting that he is the only one who could successfully run his personal empire and the US simultaneously.

Surely, many Republicans are delighted to have ‘control’ of the White House, Senate, House, and Judicial branch of our government. But, there is something more at stake here than ‘winning.’

Are we becoming so focused on pushing through our own myopic political agendas that we are losing sight of functioning as a government of the people, by the people and for the people? 

Who is genuinely listening to the people – to the heart of our concerns?  Who is listening to our call for an end to institutionalized racism and sexism and a minimum wage that ensures remaining in poverty? Who genuinely cares enough about these issues that they are willing to fight to fix what is broken in our country even if it means risking being re-elected?

How do we get from where we are to a place where we can truly work together for the highest good of ALL concerned.  How do we elevate our consciousness above ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ to where we are able to see the importance of celebrating our oneness while honoring our differences?  When we simply fight against each other because of our differences, we lose all sight of the humanity that joins us together as one.  We also fail to see the situation in a much bigger perspective that entertains such thoughts as:

  • Maybe this mess we are in is necessary for enough of us to bring forward systems and solutions that transcend self-serving polarized thinking.
  • Perhaps we are approaching the moment when we are so sick and tired of our dysfunction that we are inspired and courageous enough to birth a kind of governance that draws us together rather than tearing us apart.
  • What would it take for ALL Americans to feel that they are being heard and that their needs and concerns are indeed the agenda of the local, state and federal governments that serve them?
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Are You in Charge of What You Think?

 

In the theater of one’s mind is a multi-dimensional consciousness in which our thoughts point our attention in a particular direction.  Neuroscientists have discovered that repetitive thoughts form neural pathways as neurons that fire together get wired together.  Thus, the more a particular thought or belief is activated and reinforced, the stronger these neural pathways become and the more automatically they become our “go to” pattern of perceiving.  Ever feel like you were in a rut or maybe a little insane for doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results?  Maybe there is something to be said for it being “all in your mind” – or at least to some significant degree.  The power of human thought is also worth considering in terms of the ongoing influence that society and family beliefs have in molding our point of view as individuals – for better and for worse.

Here’s some good news about this.  Neuroscientists use the term “neuroplasticity” to refer to the fact that our brains have the ability to change our synaptic wiring, which is reflected in our point of view.  Thus, we have the opportunity to intentionally change our thinking by forming new neural pathways that in turn will change our experiences.  Indeed, we have the opportunity to be powerful creators of our own consciousness or to be passive heirs to the autopilot programming of our own history and external authorities.

When we are operating unconsciously on autopilot, we are selectively perceiving our experiences by interpreting them in a way that is in alignment with our existing beliefs, fears, hopes, and dreams.  Quite literally, it’s almost impossible for a different point of view to get through to us when we are on autopilot.

Our expressions and behaviors are quite literally self-fulfilling prophesies of our mindset.  Over time, when we are running on autopilot, new experiences simply serve to validate our existing way of being in the world – our autopilot responses to future experiences.  Thus, when we are not consciously encountering our lives, our experiences simply validate and reinforce our existing beliefs and fail to inform us of new possibilities.

When our perceptions of ourselves, others, and the world we live in are based on little or no conscious awareness and intention to create greater health and well-being, our lives are defined by the autopilot recycling of our attitudes, judgments, illusions, delusions, memories and memory patterns, thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes, and dreams.  We exist in a veiled state unable to see what is right in front of us.

Autopilot is not all bad.  For example, when we establish healthy habits like eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep, and having a healthy sense of self, we can put them on autopilot and not think about them unless and until we have the need to change them.  However, autopilot can get us in trouble if we have negative patterns of thoughts or emotions running us and we aren’t even aware of it.  The degree to which we allow our negativity to run on autopilot (without conscious awareness) is the degree to which we are powerless over it.

In contrast to autopilot, when we create through conscious intention, we bring our awareness fresh and new to each present moment and allow our beliefs, fears, hopes, and dreams to change based on new input.  This updating process allows new and different thoughts and feelings to emerge, which in turn can result in new behaviors and ways of being and experiencing our lives.  We have the ability to consciously direct our thoughts and feelings through the power of intention, thus taking a far more active role in creating, promoting, and allowing more of what we want in our lives. The state of our consciousness forms the bedrock upon which the dramas of our lives unfold. Within the privacy of our own consciousness – in the theater of our mind – we create our own sense of reality, which we inhabit as our role in the great drama of life.  It is a complex structure, like a skeletal system for our consciousness.

An old Chinese proverb captures the power of our thinking in shaping our lives:

Sow a thought and reap an act;

Sow an act and reap a habit;

Sow a habit and reap a character;

Sow a character and reap a destiny.

This is true for us as individuals as well as for groups and societies at large.  Thoughts persisted in become taken for granted and are often misidentified as the truth because of their familiarity.  They become the building blocks and assumptions that serve as the foundation for a point of view that, unchallenged, will invisibly run on autopilot and shape our future thinking.

To step into the process of creating our lives through conscious intention, unencumbered by all of this is to simply be – free and authentic, with a sense of personal accountability and responsibility for our own creations. When our consciousness is present in the moment, we live in our authenticity, encountering and integrating our new experiences, open to change and alteration as appropriate.  There becomes a fluidity and aliveness to our experiences rather than a rote repetition of the past.  Even our deepest, most treasured beliefs no longer define who we are.  We let go of our story, as we awaken to the magnificence of living more consciously in each moment.  However, the price of admission is to let go of the need to be ‘right’ in a fixed point of view and to move fluidly through life, open to change and evolving one’s point of view.

 

Photo Credit: Creative Commons

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When Your Partner Becomes a Stranger

Sometimes, seemingly out of left field, your partner becomes someone you don’t recognize. An invisible line gets crossed and you find yourself being treated like his or her enemy or someone they are disinterested in rather than as their cherished partner. One minute everything seems fine and the next you don’t recognize this person inhabiting your loved one’s body. What do you do? Is it a passing, but forgivable, mood? Or is something bigger going on here? Is it time to pack your bags? Time to stand up for yourself? Or is it time to work on your relationship together? The fact of the matter is there are no hard and fast rules here except to pay attention, hold your own counsel, and trust your gut.

Chances are when things get this out of hand it’s because neither of you have developed effective enough communication skills to be really heard by each other. When communications are running smoothly – even when you have very different points of view, and emotions and stakes are high – both parties are concerned not only for their own preferences, but for the health of the relationship and the well-being of their partner as well.

The bottom line is that a marriage or partnership can only be as healthy as the two people involved. Since there are no perfect people, there are no perfect relationships. Most of us have never learned how to have healthy disagreements and therefore end up either fighting for our own point of view or withdrawing from the conversation. This kind of fight or flight response carries with it two very dangerous consequences. First, it triggers a primitive physiological response where our blood flows to our extremities and quite literally renders us less brainpower with which to work. Secondly, it places us in an adversarial response mode where we view our partner and his or her different point of view as the enemy we are fighting against or fleeing from. When it gets to this point anything your partner says other than “you’re right” will be rejected and just add fuel to the fire.

As we move through our lives, our behavior in relationships is a powerful and accurate mirror and feedback mechanism for us to see ourselves in action. Unfortunately, when the going gets tough, too many of us project our own imbalances out onto our partner and end up lashing out by blaming and judging them or withdrawing our caring. The idea of bearing responsibility for our own part of the dysfunction by recognizing our own fears and unmet needs and going to work on them gets lost in the shuffle. If you come into the relationship with dysfunctions (which we all do), sooner or later they are going to be acted out. We are complex, multi-dimensional beings and from birth to death, whether or not we are in primary relationships with other people, we will always be in relationship with ourselves. What this means is we need to take responsibility for our own health and well-being physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When we do that, we have a far better chance of having healthy relationships with others.

Here’s an example. John and Mary have been together for a few years and both seem to really want their relationship to last. There are minor irritations and grievances here and there, but they always seem to work things out. Then Mary becomes increasingly stressed out about some other aspect of her life and her stress starts spilling over onto their relationship. She becomes short-tempered, judgmental, and emotionally unavailable to John. Then one day, she lashes out at John with an overblown reaction fueled by a litany of past, unresolved grievances she has been building resentment over. John is blind-sided. He doesn’t recognize himself as this awful person with whom Mary is so furious. Stunned in the moment, he doesn’t have a clue what to do. Clearly, there is no talking to Mary when she is worked up like this. So, he retreats and starts running all her accusations through his mind and starts to doubt himself, reasoning that she knows him better than anyone else, so maybe she’s right – maybe he is the terrible, selfish, inconsiderate loaf she is making him out to be. But, another voice in his head is probably saying “No, I’m not that person and I don’t recognize Mary when she acts like this and am wondering what I am doing with someone like this.”

So, what are their options. Unless either or both of them move past their myopic self concerns and consider the impact their discord is having on each other and the relationship there is probably little that can be done. They will either wear themselves out or wear their partner down and possibly kiss and make up until it happens again. Maybe one or the other will hit their limit and decide they are better off out of the relationship then in it and leave. Alternatively, they will get professional help to learn how to recognize their own dysfunctions in action and to resolve their differences in a healthy manner.

I do not believe that either the longevity of a relationship or a lack of disagreements is a sound indicator of its health. People stay in relationships for all kinds of good and bad reasons and many stay together far longer than is in either partner’s best interest.

Whether a couple is married or not, the choice to be a couple inherently suggests a level of commitment to care about the well-being of your partner and the health of the relationship. Each couple needs to carefully consider the nature of their relationship commitment. For example, in the traditional marriage vow are they pledging to be together until the death of one or the other’s body or the death of the relationship itself?

When in doubt, pay attention, hold your own counsel, trust your gut and see where that leads you. If you believe that you and your partner will be able to learn and use healthier communication skills – go for it. If not, cut your losses, learn your own lessons, and move on.

/by

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