Are you keeping your past alive in the present? Or have you harvested its lessons and learned from it? We all have scars from our past. But what do we do with them now? That’s a really important question.
In mentoring clients, I typically find that their current distress mirrors unresolved upsets from the past. For example, Ellen who was never able to feel loved by her father. She has now been repeatedly drawing men into her with whom she also failed to experience love. Why did this happen? Think of it as a karmic pattern that is seeking healing.
Your life will continue to replicate an unresolved situation until you are able to neutralize the state of consciousness from which you relate to it.
Ellen was caught in a pattern in which she had convinced herself that she was fundamentally unlovable. As I observed her, I noticed that she was turned off by men who liked her. Instead, she was attracted to those who gave her no encouragement and treated her badly.
Could it be that she was simply staying in her comfort zone? This is counter-intuitive but typical. She knew herself as a woman who was rejected by the men whose affection she wanted. That became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She didn’t know how to be a woman loved by men. Through her eyes as a child, she recognized that her father didn’t show her love. But she had falsely concluded that the reason was because she was unlovable. As a child, she could not see that he had difficulty expressing his caring for others. She carried that unchallenged belief forward into adulthood until we were able to expose it and release it together.
She came to see that the faulty conclusion of her past was inhibiting her from experiencing love in the present. It was wonderful to watch her realize that she had the power to change how she saw herself. She began taking pride in herself and replacing her old, self-rejecting belief with appreciation for her own goodness. As a result the affection of good men became desirable to her.
She stepped out of the belief that she was unlovable. She left the past behind. I asked her what life lesson this had taught her. She told me she learned to pay attention to her own beliefs about herself when in situations that were difficult for her to see if she was sabotaging herself.
I had a similar situation during a recent weight loss journey. I reached a plateau and couldn’t get the scale to move despite following all the rules. In observing myself, I realized the issue was emotional. In listening to my self-talk, I kept hearing, “I don’t know her.” When I explored this, I recognized that I was afraid to go past that particular number on the scale. In my mind it represented a level of success with which I was not comfortable. I knew how to be almost successful, but I didn’t know how to go for and get the brass ring of success. It took several months before I was able to break through this barrier. Now I am learning new life skills and a level of self-trust that was not apparent and therefore not available to me before.
When we become too familiar with failure, we have to push through our own resistance to the unfamiliar territory of success.
Leaving the past behind often requires that we recognize the ways we sabotage ourselves out of fear of moving into the unknown. Being good at failing and being disappointed doesn’t mean you can’t also be really good at success and exceeding your dreams. It simply requires a new point of view.
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Until we become aware of how our internal data processing determines the reality we perceive, we think we are reacting to an external reality rather than determining what that reality appears to be
For most of us, our socialization includes indoctrination into a binary model of consciousness. In other words, we are taught to sort people and experiences into right/wrong, beautiful/ugly, desirable/undesirable, good/bad, and so on. In fact, life is far more complex and messy than that. Learned biases and preferences short-circuit the process of developing curiosity about those differences that we are taught to reject. There is a built-in bias against diversity in this way of encountering unfamiliar people and experiences. Therefore, diversity requires a new way of perceiving beyond our autopilot right/wrong sorting process. In a binary approach there are only two choices. That means if we encounter someone who is different, we can’t both be “right” or “OK.” As a result, we develop very narrow tolerances for differences, rather than nurturing our curiosity and openness to all kinds of people and experiences.
The best way to tame your inclination to judge anyone who is different than you or any experience you don’t like is to become really curious and to call upon your inner detective. When we are quick to judge, we shut ourselves down. We also close ourselves off from additional information available to us. And our myopic view blinds us from alternative ways of seeing ourselves, the other person, and the situation itself.
When we become curious, we open ourselves up, and draw ourselves closer to those we don’t understand rather than shutting them out or pushing them away.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it can save us from many a faulty assumption, preconceived notion, and narrow-minded interpretation of our shared reality. It is also the vital key to rising above the limitations of right/wrong thinking.
By about the age of five or six, we have the foundation of our self-image in place, and we begin to unconsciously protect, conceal, or improve our image of ourselves and to become competitive with the self-images of others. We spend most of our time focused outwards through our self-image as we navigate our way through the world and relate to the imagined self-images being projected by others.
We learn to live in a world that is a collective figment of our imaginations in which we attempt to defend and elevate our status relative to that of others.
We selectively filter our perceptions in such a way that we see things that support our existing beliefs and filter out things that do not agree with our way of seeing things. Learning how to become more conscious of our own unique data sorting process is essential to mastering the art of being who we authentically are.
Thriving involves consciously and intentionally developing our ability to override our usual way of being and perceiving. It requires looking within rather than being drawn to an external focus by the dominance of visual sensory input we receive. It means cultivating a non-judgmental perspective towards differences and an awareness of a level upon which we are all the same. This requires cultivation of a childlike curiosity rather than a defensive and competitive stance regarding our perceptions versus those of others.
Next time you encounter someone or something that threatens your preconceived notions of how things are and should be from your point of view, practice developing greater tolerance of differences and curiosity about how others see and experience our shared world. See if you can expand your comfort zone by choosing a both/and rather than an either/or state of mind. Instead of making different perspectives wrong, inquire and invite dialogue for the purpose of gaining a deeper appreciation for other points of view. The simple fact is that differences do exist. They don’t have to be perceived as a threat to our differing point of view. It’s how we choose to respond to that fact that makes all the difference in the world about our ability to peacefully co-exist or to wage wars against each other.
For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read morehere. If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a followso we can thrive together!
What happens when you have a significant difference of opinion with someone you care deeply about? How do you evaluate what is going on? How do you treat each other? What kind of outcome can you expect? 20/20 hindsight gives us a much clearer understanding than what we see in the midst of a heated disagreement.
Here’s what I think is important to consider in dealing with a heated disagreement with someone you deeply care about:
1. You are not seeing the same situation the same way.
Each person experiences the shared situation through the filter of their own expectations, assumptions, past experiences, beliefs, wounds, and habitual patterns of behavior.
Given our unique filtering process, we do not see the same situation the same way. While there is a certain objective reality to what has occurred, there are also two distinct perceptions of reality that may be similar or vastly different.
2. Each person has their own habitual ways of reacting.
It is helpful to observe yourself and the other person to see your respective reaction patterns. Are either of you copping an attitude and harsh judgment of the other? If so, by viewing the situation through that filter you are probably refusing to consider the other person’s point of view. If you are caught in a pattern of judging and rejecting the other person as the cause of your distress, you are likely selectively interpreting what is happening to prove yourself right rather than to reach across the great divide to the other person. Do you judge and reject the other person, or are you open to finding out what the other person is experiencing? Are you willing to discuss what is happening, or do you shut the other person out? Do your feelings get hurt? Do you get angry? Do you keep trying to explain your point of view, even if the other person doesn’t want to hear it or is incapable of hearing it?
3. The way out is not by making one person right and the other one wrong.
When we blame and judge the other person, we are attempting to be right and justified in holding them responsible for the discord and our upset. This typically results in an inability to even consider what the other person’s experience is and in selectively acknowledging and remembering only those aspects of the situation which support your myopic point of view.
Believing that you are right might feel good, but it only serves to maintain the divide between you.
Better than being right is being wise enough to seek understanding of the other person’s point of view in an effort to heal the situation.
4. Behaviors have consequences.
How people treat each other matters deeply. If we are cruel and judgmental, we seed fear and distrust. If we are kind, we create safe places for us to be together. We are responsible for what we are creating, promoting, and allowing in our relationships and how our behavior impacts others around us as well. For example, parents who engage in a toxic relationship are poor role models for their children. Two friends who have a falling out create tension and drama in their shared community that is often unfair to one or the other.
5. You are responsible for the choices you make. And sometimes when we get hot under the collar, we don’t make very good choices. Nonetheless, we are responsible for our attitudes and behaviors.
I’m currently sorting my way through a disagreement that resulted in a 35-year precious friendship irreparably blowing up. I cannot speak to what the other person involved was experiencing and why she refused to try to heal what was happening. On my final appeal to her to do so, she responded, “Not in this lifetime.” No matter how unreasonable such a response might seem, I recognize that she has a right to make that choice.
Each person has their own way of reacting to a difference of opinion where the outcome is particularly important to them. For example, I first became aware of the problem with my friend when she expressed anger and judgement towards me and blamed her unhappiness on me. I reacted with shock and kept trying to share my very different perspective on what was going on, but she refused to hear it.
When one person refuses to seek healing and reconciliation, the other is forced to move forward without any shared resolution. For me, this is the hardest part – to have no hope and to be left to grieve a friendship I treasured. But life doesn’t always make sense. Our relationship is over, and there is nothing more for me to do about that. But there are life lessons for me to learn here about how I engage with others while remaining true to myself. Here are some of the things I am looking at:
Did I do my best moving through this situation?
Was I compassionate about her distress?
In what ways did I respect or disrespect myself or her?
What was most difficult for me, and how did I handle that?
Where could I have done better?
What do I need to do to support myself in processing what has just happened?
Am I willing to forgive us both for our inability to create a better outcome?
What would God have me learn from this to do better in the future?
None of us are perfect. I do believe that we are all doing the best we can, and this is what that looks like. All we can really ask of ourselves is to remain true to ourselves, be kind to each other, and stay open to learning our life lessons as we move through our experiences. Trials and tribulations are a natural part of life, and so it behooves us to build skill in meeting life’s challenges.
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Essentially, there are two contrasting frames of mind through which we perceive ourselves, our lives, environment, and each other. Leading edge thinkers in the field of human consciousness are encouraging us to do two things:
Become familiar with how your ego functions. Notice that it orients your perceptions so that you are focusing outward comparing and contrasting yourself with others and reacting with either cooperation or rebellion to external authorities such as parents and culture.
Develop the ability to be alert and aware in the present moment. Practice coming to each new moment with a consciousness of neutrality (without preconceived notions of right and wrong). Tune into your own deepest truth and meet your experiences through that lens so you are living a more authentic life from the inside/out.
Think of these two states of mind existing on a continuum. At any given moment, you are functioning somewhere along that range. What we typically refer to as “awakening” or “becoming more enlightened” involves moving along this scale towards a greater ability to be fully present.
However, this does not require that we annihilate our ego. Rather, we learn to transcend its limitations. Both states of consciousness are always present. The ego strengthens our sense of self as a separate and unique being. Our process of individuation from infancy to adulthood relies on the ego’s reinforcement. However, there is a point at which we either fall into the trap of thinking we are only our ego/personality or we begin to suspect and explore our suspicion that there is more going on here – another dimension of being beyond our physical senses and what we perceive through the ego. This typically is motivated by a yearning for greater authenticity – a desire to nourish a truer and deeper part of the self than what is being perceived through the ego.
Those who are working to raise their state of consciousness are increasing their ability to be fully present and decreasing their inclination to act primarily out of their ego. Exploring and strengthening this ability to perceive life through this other state of consciousness is often referred to as awakening, enlightenment, or reaching a higher state of consciousness. It is a kind of self-realization and empowerment – what I call in my work, mastering the art of being you. It is characterized by a kind of alert awareness in the present moment that enables us to experience more dimensions of the human experience and to master the art of being who we are and living according to what deeply matters to us. Alternatively, those who do not pursue this kind of awakening tend to remain stuck in a repetitive, self-fulfilling prophecy of their ego’s perceptions and desires.
The following chart provides a comparison of these two states of mind.
Being of Two Minds
Ego Mind
Fully-Present Awareness
The Immature Human Being
The Awakened Human Being
Surviving
Thriving
False Self/Personality
True Self/Essence
Dualistic – Either/Or Thinking
Co-Existence – Both/And
Right/Wrong Polarized Thinking
Neutrality, Mental Spaciousness
Separation
Interconnected, Oneness
Outer Locus of Focus – Outside/In
Inner Locus of Focus – Inside/Out
Blaming and Judging
Understanding, Empathy
Past/Future Oriented
Alert in the Present Moment
Self-Serving
Concerned for Highest Good of All
Naming, Comparing, Competing
Experiencing in a Neutral State
Doing, Trying, Controlling, Striving, Alert
Simply Being, Aware, Receptive
Accumulating Information
Tapping into Wisdom
Focused on Thoughts, Feelings, Beliefs
Guided by Heartfelt Inner Resonance
*Our attitude is the bridge between these two states of mind. When we change our attitude or perceptual focus, we change our experience.
Our egos are focused outside of ourselves and are all about preserving our sense of personal identity in this world – not only in and of ourselves, but in comparison and relationship to others. We perceive and register everything in terms of polarized thinking – I like this/I don’t like that; self/other; right/wrong; desirable/to be avoided. This process of categorizing our experiences relative to what we have known in the past or what we are seeking to create in the future directs us according to the perceived relative merit of the experience or person being encountered. We grade everything and compare our experiences to our expectations and desires. Our sense of well-being is conditional and fluctuates depending on what is happening in our outer lives. So, we go about life trying to control what comes our way and striving to manifest more happiness and less unhappiness.
In contrast, when we are being fully present we are immersed in the experience of the present moment itself – suspending judgment and categorization. We do not filter out or avoid “undesirable” experiences and individuals, but rather learn how to be in their presence without losing our sense of well-being. We are not trying to sanitize our lives of all unpleasant experiences, but rather building the inner strength and wisdom to effectively encounter all of life.
We live in a society that seduces us to seek validation and fulfillment outside ourselves. It does so without first nurturing us in getting to know ourselves. Most of us are not guided in developing the inner confidence, discernment, resilience, and inner infrastructure needed to effectively maintain our well-being, while navigating life’s ordinariness and challenging transitions. As a result, we often lose track of ourselves and experience all kinds of unnecessary frustrations, disappointments, sadness, self-doubt, and hopelessness that could have been avoided if we were only better acquainted with ourselves, and knew how to thrive in our own skin through all that life brings our way.
It is important to learn how to distinguish between what we think we know through the filter of our ego and what we know to be true from a deeper place within us. This profound kind of knowing usually shows up effortlessly. For me, there is typically an inner calm that comes over me and a resonance within that recognizes truth when I encounter it. It feels like tapping into wisdom rather than learning information.
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Until 1997, I had a strong belief in god. When I was a child, my god was the god of The Ten Commandments movie — much like Charlton Heston on a cloud. As I matured, so did my concept of god. My god became less imaginable in the image of a person and more of an invisible force. I always imagined god to be benevolent and capable of awareness of each and every one of us simultaneously. The closest I could come to defining god was love – the experience of two or more gathered in goodness.
Then, one day in March, 1997, I was driving south on the Taconic parkway in New York on my way to work. I hit black ice going 60 mph. I no longer had any control over the direction or speed of the car — I was suddenly a passenger and not the driver.
My car crisscrossed the road four times, and when it was clear I was about to go down a ravine into a swamp, a voice cried out from my belly saying, “I’m not ready to go yet, so you’ve got to take care of me. Please take good care of me.” In that moment, my car did what a mechanic later told my friend was mechanically impossible — it went into reverse. I hung on to the steering wheel while the car made a complete circle going rear first down the ravine and into the swamp. The trunk of the car was sliced all the way through by the tree that stopped the car. The rear window broke into a million pieces. My earrings and glasses flew off my head, landing in the foot area of the front passenger seat. My seat broke, and I was lying face up under the broken rear window, yet I didn’t have a scratch on me, nor was there any glass in my loose-weave wool coat.
I remember my euphoria when I realized the car had stopped. I touched myself and marveled, “I’m alive!” I sat up, retrieved my glasses, earrings, and briefcase and stepped out of the car into the swampy ground. Each step made a loud, moist, suctioning sound as I lifted each foot. I was in total shock, operating on auto pilot. I walked up to the road where the car that had been traveling behind me had pulled over, and this very nice woman beckoned me into her car to wait for the police and ambulance she had called.
I was taken to the hospital. It was as though everyone else I encountered was somehow different from me. They were all worried about me and making a medical fuss. Meanwhile, inside of me my euphoria grew and grew and grew. I was totally blissed out. I had had a spiritual conversion experience that I will never be able to translate in a meaningful way to another human being. I know that now, but at the time I just kept telling people that god is real. The doctors responded by wanting to treat me for post-traumatic stress. I wouldn’t let them. Through this accident I came to know that god is real beyond a shadow of a doubt. I no longer believe in god as an intellectual concept. I know god through personal experience. My knowledge was and remains irrefutable.
Nothing else has ever mattered so much to me as that wonderful gift I was given in a car accident that totaled my car to such a degree that the mechanic automatically offered his condolences to my friend who came to retrieve my belongings. He was incredulous when she told him I was home eating a turkey sandwich. To this day I recall the euphoria and the sense of a glass dome covering my body as the car crashed.
My mother and I were very close, and she shared my deep belief in god, but it wasn’t until two weeks before her death in 2012 that she also was given the gift of knowing god through personal experience. For her, it happened during a breathing treatment. She could barely speak at the time, but told me that she realized that god was breathing her. Like me, she was totally euphoric. That whole day she kept telling everyone who came into her room that god is real. Unfortunately, they all responded to what they thought was an elderly woman on morphine. I guess if you haven’t had the experience yourself, you have no frame of reference. All day, my mom kept asking me when they were going to make the announcement. “Who? What announcement?” I asked. The three most important people in the world she told me. I only remember two of them – the president and the pope. She was urgent about the need for them to let the world know that god is real. “People will want to live their lives differently.” she said.
Have you had an experience like this? If so, I would love to hear about it.
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There is absolutely no place or time you can ever be but in the here and now. And the here and now keeps expiring. We move through space and time, and before we can even get the words “here” and “now” out of our mouths, they have changed. It’s really a very funny business, this existence.
As fleeting as the here and now are, they are the most powerful time and place we can ever be. In fact, they are the only time and place we can ever be. We can involve our minds and emotions in thinking about or having feelings about the past or future, but we can’t go there. We are here. This might seem simplistic, but it is an enormously powerful awareness to work with to bring peace and harmony to our minds and emotions.
Every time we focus on the past or future, we are abandoning the present moment unless we do something about our thoughts in the present moment. If there is nothing to do now to resolve a past concern or to anticipate a potential future one, then thinking or worrying about them only means we are probably making ourselves miserable and vacating the present moment. Our attention is not here, it’s there. So we end up being nowhere when we are worrying about the past or future, because we can’t go there and we aren’t present in the now.
Consider something you are worried about that lies in the future. For example, let’s say you are worrying about whether or not you will have good weather during your beach holiday next week. If you listen to your self-talk, you might hear something like this: “What if it rains? We’re spending all this money, and our holiday will be ruined if we don’t have good weather.” When you become aware of having this kind of thinking, you have an important choice to make. Do you let your worries pollute your experience in the here and now? Or do you nip your worries in the bud. Here’s what these two choices look like. If you feed your worries it will be like adding kindling wood to an already burning fire. Your worries will become bigger and bigger as you fantasize all the ways you might not enjoy your expensive vacation. You are just spinning your wheels in the here and now, making yourself miserable, and your vacation hasn’t even happened yet. In fact, it might turn out to be awesome.
Alternatively, here’s how staying present in the here and now can minimize your worries. Instead of feeding on your worries, when your first concern about the weather comes up, ask yourself “What can I do about this concern in the here and now?” You might decide to look at the weather forecast to get more information. If it looks good, that might stop your worries. If it looks iffy or bad, ask yourself again, “What can I do about this in the here and now?” Maybe the answer is nothing, or you might think, “I’m not going to let that ruin my day today,” or you might decide to pack and plan for bad weather just in case. If there is nothing further to be done in the here and now, choose not to feed your worries so you can enjoy the present. This might seem obvious and simplistic, but it can save the day when autopilot patterns of worrying creep up on you. Try it and let me know how this works for you.
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I have discovered an understanding of obesity from my own experience that is different from that of those who define obesity as a Body Mass Index (BMI) above 30.0. I do agree that obesity is a disease, but I do not believe that it is purely a physical measurement. Rather, I think one’s BMI is an indicator of the presence of the disease of obesity.
I believe that no matter how much I weigh and no matter what my BMI, I will be obese till the day I die. Here’s why— It seems to me that obesity is not measured in a moment in time, but rather it is a lifelong metabolic condition. I will always have a tendency to gain weight. Therefore, I cannot afford to live a lifestyle typical of our culture. For me that will result in rapid weight gain accompanied by increased risk of diabetes and heart disease, among other challenging physical conditions and side effects.
When I was growing up in the 50s and 60s, considerations such as whether or not your food was organic or non-GMO didn’t exist. We didn’t have gym memberships either, and Jack LaLanne was just starting what would grow into the fitness industry. The diet industry was simply the idea of weight loss by restricting your calories or taking Metrecal or diet pills. The only real consciousness of eating a balanced diet had to do with the food group pyramid and being urged to “eat your vegetables.” I remember what a treat it was to go out to a particular restaurant I loved where I would have a grilled Taylor pork roll sandwich on a hard roll with cheddar cheese and onion rings, followed by pie ala mode.
At age 71, for the first time in my life, I am maintaining a weight loss. However, getting here has been a painful journey mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was always prone to gaining weight and have gained and lost over 100 pounds four times in my life. I’ve tried every kind of diet and exercised terrific discipline during my weight losses, but like 95% of dieters, I was never able to sustain the loss. This was not only physically and emotionally discouraging, but, I also experienced a tremendous amount of shame and humiliation as well. I thought this was all my fault until I landed in an endocrinologist’s office about four years ago. After waiting many months for the appointment, he measured my resting metabolism and found it to be about 1,000 to 1,2000 calories per day. (An average woman needs to eat about 2,000 calories per day to maintain her weight, and 1,500 calories to lose one pound of weight per week,) The doctor assured me that, indeed, it wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t sustain a weight loss. It was because my body could only process this low level of calories and that it would take an extraordinary amount of self-restraint to limit my caloric intake to this degree, day after day for the rest of my life. However, failure to do so would naturally lead to gaining weight. He looked at me with great sadness in his eyes and offered me no hope. He simply wished me good luck.
I went into a deep depression and resigned myself to being fat for the rest of my life. My only hope or sense of control over the situation was the rate at which I would gain weight.
About two years later, I ran into a friend who was also chronically overweight. She had lost over 100 pounds since I last saw her. Not only was she physically beautiful, but she looked so relieved and relaxed in her new body.
We arranged to get together shortly thereafter, and she explained that she’d had gastric sleeve surgery and was involved in a bariatric support program at our local hospital. It was the first time I had experienced any hope about my weight since seeing the endocrinologist. I made an appointment, learned all about the various kinds of bariatric surgeries and their respective rates of success and failure, and what it would take for me to qualify for the gastric sleeve surgery.
I assure you that anyone who thinks bariatric surgery is an easy way out is speaking from ignorance of what is involved. It is a daunting process of attending support groups and education classes about the various stages of dietary change required before and after surgery, as well as a series of doctor’s appointments with your bariatric surgeon, GP, cardiologist, pulmonologist, and a psychologist. For the many patients who fail their sleep study, a diagnosis of sleep apnea delays their surgery date by several months. An endoscopy is also required weeks before surgery. In coordination with insurance company requirements, all patients have to lose a designated amount of weight to qualify for a surgery date. For several weeks before and after surgery, patients are limited to a high protein liquid diet.
The good news is that after all that, I discovered that, if I follow the rules, I can have long-term success. I was also able to eliminate four of the seven medications I was on. The surgery itself was not the solution. Rather, it was one of several key ingredients combined that made up my recipe for success. In addition to the surgery, I have discovered that my long-term success requires that I keep the following four areas of my life in balance:
Diet: My surgery has created a natural limitation to the quantity of food I can eat each day and my palate has changed. Many of the foods that I used to love don’t appeal to me now. I also noticed that if I want to eat cake, for example, I can thoroughly enjoy three bites. I don’t have to eat an entire slice. I maintain a high protein diet, take a prescribed regimen of vitamins, drink at least 64 oz of water daily, and chew each bite of food at least 32 times to release sufficient gastric juices for digestion.
Exercise: I have a 2-hour routine at the gym which I do 3x/week. I make that non-negotiable. In other words, I am undeterred by even the best excuses I can come up with. Any exercise I do beyond that is optional.
Mental and Emotional Balance: I was always prone to stress and distress eating. So, it is critically important that I not allow mental and emotional challenges to escalate. I pay close attention to how I feel inside and to my inner dialogue. When I go negative, I nip it in the bud. I’ve developed lots of strategies and techniques to stay present in the moment and attend to whatever needs my attention.
Sleep/Stress Management: When I was heavy, I tried all sorts of sleep aids. Now I don’t need them. I make sure to get at least 7 hours of sleep each night. I also have chosen to give the highest priority to maintaining a state of inner peace. I pay attention to when I feel rushed or impatient and renegotiate my expectations to reestablish balance. Nothing is worth throwing myself out of balance. I know that stress can be the lead domino in a cascade of negative health and body weight repercussions for me, so I avoid it like the plague.
So far, so good. I had my surgery over 15 months ago and have lost 112 pounds. For at least five months now, I have maintained exactly the same weight and feel confident in my ability to sustain this success.
For further insight into my journey, and to learn more about mastering the art of being you, read morehere. If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a followso we can thrive together!
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Obesity is defined by the World Health Organization (WHO) as abnormal or excessive fat accumulation that may impair health. The American Medical Association (AMA) declared obesity to be a disease in 2013. As a result, increased research and funding are being directed towards obesity drugs, surgery, and counseling as well as for obesity-related diseases, such as type-2 diabetes and heart disease. Labeling obesity as a disease was also intended to decrease the stigma that comes from the widespread belief that obesity is just the outcome of excessive eating and not enough exercise.
A new study – F as in Fat: How Obesity Threatens America’s Future 2013– from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and Trust for America’s Health has recommended that there also be increased attention and funding directed at such initiatives as:
Providing healthier food choices in schools
Greater access to physical activity for children and adults
Having restaurants post caloric information on their menus
Food and beverage companies marketing only healthy choices to children
A greater investment in health and the prevention of disease
Increased availability of healthy and affordable food choices for all
Body Mass Index (BMI) is currently the common measurement for obesity. It is calculated as a person’s weight in kilograms divided by the square of their height in meters. This is a crude and misleading measurement at best as it defines the consequences of obesity rather than its causes. BMI is intended to indicate whether someone’s body weight is normal or not as follows:
If your BMI is less than 18.5, it falls within the underweight range.
If your BMI is 18.5 to <25, it falls within the normal.
If your BMI is 25.0 to <30, it falls within the overweight range.
If your BMI is 30.0 or higher, it falls within the obese range.
What is commonly referred to as morbid obesity is a BMI of over 40.0. Thirty years ago, 1.4% of Americans were morbidly obese, compared to 6.3% today – a rise of 350%.
The United States now has the second highest national level of obesity according to a report by the United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization. In that report, published in July 2013, Mexico’s adult obesity rate of 32.8% was just above America’s 31.8%. Why are so many Americans obese?
Obesity is a chronic disease affecting 95 million Americans – that’s one in three of us. That’s more than three times the number of adults with diabetes. Yet, there remains difficulty in accurately defining the condition, its root causes, and the many ways that it affects our lives. It is not merely a physical manifestation but can be a debilitating social and emotional challenge as well. There is a pervasive misconception that a person is obese solely because they eat too much and exercise too little. In reality the situation is much more complex than that. Aside from genetic and individual variations in our body’s ability to metabolize food, surely our culture and the food industry play significant parts as well.
When we look at obesity within the context of our social and cultural norms, several relevant observations can be made:
Food manufacturers give a greater priority to pleasing our palate than to fueling our bodies. Grocery store shelves and marketing campaigns are filled with foods loaded with sugar, salt, fat, and carbohydrates.
Snack foods and desserts have become our go-to foods for parties and celebrations, “treating ourselves,” and pushing down negative feelings.
Restaurant portion sizes are typically much larger than what is considered to be a healthy serving.
While the diet industry offers all sorts of diet programs, none have proven to result in long-term success for the obese. The average estimate is that 95% of diets fail.
We have learned to choose fast foods rather than living at a pace that allows time to prepare and eat more nutritious meals.
Those who are obese find it difficult not only to fit into restaurant booths and airplane seats but to be socially and professionally accepted on a par with the non-obese as well.
Notice how you think about and behave towards obese people. Where judgment comes naturally, try compassion. It’s not easy being fat in a world that caters to the thin. Help break the stigma of obesity by recognizing that there are many contributing factors beyond a simple equation of calories in and out.
In Part Two, I will share my personal journey through the world of obesity and how I found the answers that work for me.
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What does it mean to be a soul? Conceptually, in its most general definition, being a soul has to do with living in part as a non-physical being. In other words, part of our “self” is beyond time and space and, according to some religious traditions, is divine in nature.
On a practical level, what does it mean to exist in a body with a personality, mind, and emotions and yet to exist beyond all that on a dimension that cannot be adequately captured in language? How can I be something I cannot even talk about?
I find myself most aware of being a soul or spiritual being when I experience a sense of oneness with another person, my cat, a tree, a flower, or a butterfly. In other words, for a fleeting or lingering moment I merge with the other, and all the definitive ways in which we are different are of no consequence. They disappear from my awareness while I experience a sweet oneness with the other. Sometimes I practice this walking down the street and intentionally make eye contact with another and smiling, invite them in. Some come, some do not. Yet, we all have that capacity.
I have discovered that practicing soul awareness is a great way to break free of my judgments of myself and others. When someone really gets on my last nerve, for example, I could go on and on, telling myself all the things I don’t like about that person and how wrong they are for behaving as they do. I have that choice, but I have come to realize that only makes me increasingly unhappy. I have another choice. I can lift into the oneness that joins me together with this person and feed that awareness instead of building up my unhappiness. I may find myself continuously allergic to this person’s personality. However, every time I am bothered by that dimension of their expression, I have the option of shifting dimensions and focusing instead into that non-physical dimension where we are all one. The mere act of shifting my focus reminds me that I have a choice and that either choice has consequences. If I can be conscious enough to see this option I can save myself a lot of heartache. I can also be part of the solution of greater kindness I choose to participate in rather than allowing myself to fall back into creating more negative vibes.
Each choice each of us makes like this is like casting a vote for the kind of world we want to live in. So, what we are doing within our own inner awareness really does have an impact on our collective consciousness. Each of us in our own inner worlds is contributing to the quality of consciousness we share. Imagine the upside potential of each of us choosing to strengthen our soul awareness instead of judging and rejecting each other. Are you willing to practice soul awareness by being a mental and emotional ecologist?
For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read morehere. If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a followso we can thrive together!
Are you self-conscious in a bathing suit? Join the club. It can help to remember that you are not alone. Bathing suits are funny things. At home, you see yourself naked. You know what you look like. Do you stand in front of the mirror and judge yourself? Or are you able to love the body you are in including its imperfections?
For most of us wearing a bathing suit is as close to naked as we get in public. What parts of your body do you try to hide? Why? How do you feel about those parts of your body? What are you afraid other people are thinking when they see you in your bathing suit? Do you think everyone is looking at you and judging you? Are these reactions simply a projection of what you do at home in front of the mirror?
I have avoided bathing suits for most of my life. As one who has gained and lost over 100 pounds four times in my life, I am well-versed in the bathing suit blues. If you were to meet me today, I would look like a normal-sized person to you. But when I put a bathing suit on, you can see that my skin did not shrink along with my pounds. I have wobbly, striated thighs that I cannot hide in a bathing suit. What to do? There is only one way to liberate myself from the tyranny of other people’s opinions of me and my dancing thighs, and that is to stop giving my power away to the opinion of others. Here are some things I am doing that are successfully reducing my bathing suit body blues:
By spending more time at a local lake, I am noticing that the majority of people there will never be bathing suit models either. I also notice that everyone doesn’t turn and look at me in horror. They are all busy doing their thing, and I am just another “normal” body on the beach.
I notice that many of the people who are not bathing beauties behave as though they are comfortable in their bodies. Also, some people who look really good seem to be obsessed with or uncomfortable about their bodies. In other words, there is not a direct correlation between looking bad and feeling bad.
I remind myself that my striated thighs are simply a byproduct of my successful weight loss which I have figured out how to maintain. I see them through new eyes when I reframe them as my war wounds from a lifelong struggle with obesity that I have finally figured out how to deal with.
The more time I spend in a bathing suit being just another body on the beach, the freer I become. Being in a bathing suit in public becomes normalized. My anxiety decreases as I engage in other activities rather than judging myself or worrying about what other people think of what I look like.
I practice noticing when I am obsessing about my body and choose to stop by focusing instead on being more loving and compassionate towards myself.
I remind myself that I live in a society that has a powerful taboo against overweight bodies that has warped our sense of what is normal. Indeed, we come in all shapes and sizes. While we have been brainwashed to reject non-bathing beauty bodies, we have the option of consciously overriding our programming and expanding our comfort zone around different types of bodies. I give myself permission to be happy and free in the body I have rather than rejecting my body and feeling miserable. In other words, I shift my focus to having a more kind and loving relationship with myself.
Worrying about how other people feel about us diminishes our ability to thrive and feel good about ourselves. It puts us at the effect of their perceptions. Whether or not someone is pleased by how you look in a bathing suit doesn’t have to make you feel bad about yourself. Remember, opinions are like noses–everyone has one. So, let people think what they think and go about your business of having a good time. Free yourself of the tyranny of opinions. They belong to another person, not to you. As author and spiritual teacher Terry Cole-Whittaker said, “What you think of me is none of my business.”
Next time you find yourself worrying about how you look in a bathing suit, do a reality check. In the moment you only have two choices: am I going to punish myself for not looking as good as I would like to or am I going to go out and have a good time with how my body is right now?
For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here. If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a followso we can thrive together!
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observed her, I noticed that she was turned off by men who liked her. Instead, she was attracted to those who gave her no encouragement and treated her badly.
