One theme I have noticed with many of my mentoring clients is the feeling of being on the outside looking in. This might be how they feel in a particular social situation such as with their family, at work, or with a particular group of friends. For some, it is what they repeatedly experience. For many, this began during school days and has been with them throughout their lives.
The isolation and devastation of feeling like you are the only one who doesn’t belong or fit in can overshadow all else in one’s life. It can become a repetitive self-fulfilling process.
It’s a pervasive experience of wanting to be on the inside, but standing alone watching others being connected to each other. Some believe they have been selectively and intentionally left out.
I remember feeling trapped in this position in high school. The “in crowd” seemed to really be having a fabulous time. I watched from the periphery wondering what was wrong with me that I didn’t authentically want to be doing what they were doing. And, why didn’t it matter to them whether I was part of the group or not?
I wanted the fun they were having, but I knew that I would have to fake it to be a part of the group. I wasn’t good at that.
I wanted them to want me. I knew that forcing or inserting myself into their activities wouldn’t accomplish that.
Feelings of not fitting in, not being chosen, and just not belonging anywhere dominated my experiences in high school.
As life marched on, I noticed myself experiencing this outsider phenomenon repeatedly. It was my norm in social situations until I started to take a good look at it. I noticed a few important things that became my opportunity to break free. And, eventually I began to help others to do so as well. Here are some keys to moving away from the experience of being the outsider looking in:
Observe your experience, but don’t make it wrong.
It’s easy to fall into the false assumption that because they are having fun and you aren’t that “they are right and therefore you are wrong.” That’s a dead end proclamation. It robs you of the opportunity to consider other possibilities. That’s why observation rather than judgment is so important.
Our negative feelings are feedback to us of being out of balance inside. They are not cause for judgment of ourselves or others. Observation leads to neutral conclusions that allow us to explore our options.
Neutral observations might look like “I want to have fun. Standing here watching them is not fun for me. What else might I do to have the experience I am looking for? What is fun for me? What would be more fun for me than standing here watching them have fun?”
It stands to reason that if you put your hand over a burning flame, it hurts and the healthy response is to move your hand away and learn not to do that again. So, apply that logic here.
Look Inward, Not Outward.
When you find yourself distressed watching others seemingly having a good time, notice that you are doing that. You are creating that perception and reaction inside of you. Choose to look at that inner process of creation rather than outward at what others are doing.
Work with the information in a healthier way by using it to explore the resonance within you that your feelings are tapping into. Is this current experience tapping into some unresolved hurt from the past? If so, take a look at that and see if you can make peace with it. Seek understanding and healing of any past disturbances so you can be free and healthy in encountering new experiences.
Consider the Possibility That You Are Creating a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
If you keep having this same experience, consider the fact that it is a matter of faulty perception. When you repeatedly make yourself wrong each time you encounter the feeling of being disconnected from others, you simply pile on more bad feelings on top of old, unresolved feelings.
The pain gets bigger and bigger because each encounter touches into a mother load of unresolved feelings you carry around you. Convinced that you are “right” in your interpretation of being “wrong” (having never considered an alternative) makes your perspective a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Pay Attention to What Works for You and What Doesn’t
Keep paying attention to your inner experiences. Notice how you perceive and react to outer situations. Do you see patterns? Create more of what works for you. And, get to work on dismantling repetitive negative patterns of perception and behavior. That’s called mastering the art of living. It will bring you much more fulfillment, joy, and satisfaction. Lovingly attend to your own sense of imbalance.
Look Elsewhere.
Explore what other options are available to you. Stop wanting to be part of something that doesn’t make you happy. If the shoe doesn’t fit, try on a different shoe. Go for what fits, not for what you wish would fit, but doesn’t.
Go for the feeling and experience you are looking for, don’t demand the conditions under which those feelings will manifest. Be committed to finding your own form of happiness where you fit in and feel good about yourself. Don’t settle for anything less.
Live inside your own experience. Honor your own truth. Trust that you belong in this world just the way you are. Love yourself madly and deeply!
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