Do you and your partner frequently battle over who is “right” and who is “wrong?” If so, battles will be won, but a war will rage on.
Right/wrong thinking makes a relationship an ongoing power struggle. It is the territory of two ego personalities who are only considering two options: winning or losing. Only one can be right, and the other is therefore wrong. As long as we think in those terms, we will always be at war with each other.
It is the decision-making process used, rather than the decisions themselves, that speak volumes about the quality of a relationship.
When you replace either/or thinking with both/and thinking a whole new world of healthy relating opens up. It allows for the process of co-creation by equally respected partners. Whether deciding what to have for dinner or when and how to express shared intimacy, your decision-making style makes all the difference.
Think in terms of a continuum of possibilities. At one extreme the decision-making process will demonstrate one partner dominating and silencing the other. At the other extreme is a shared process of considering each person’s point of view, evaluating the alternatives together, and finding a solution that serves the highest good of all concerned. Guess which one is more healthy?
Take a look at the major relationships in your life and ask yourself how healthy your decision-making style is. Are you a bully? Do you play a victim role? Do you feel heard?
When one partner dominates, something dies in the other partner. When both participate, both partners thrive. This is true whether the two parties are schoolyard children, marriage partners, business associates, or countries.
Dominance expresses a lack of caring and consideration for the concerns and welfare of the other. It is a silencing of one by the other. Dominance breads hostility. It demonstrates a lack of mutual respect and an inevitable retaliation in one form or another by the underdog. Consider the waiter who secretly spits in your soup because you were condescending and rude. What drives a marriage partner to withhold sex claiming frequent headaches?
The fact that you are able to dominate and silence another person by throwing your weight around doesn’t make your point of view the “best” approach. It simply shows your lack of awareness and inability to participate in more fruitful, kind and caring relationships with others.
Bullies, social and institutional norms, and political hierarchies of power often silence the most brilliant, creative minds that might otherwise contribute better solutions.
I often wonder how rich and healthy we could be if we nurtured the full participation of all rather than the advancement of the few.
Many people who carry unresolved and accumulated anger from their past let off steam by bullying others. Some, flashing the badge of their social position, title or wealth, pursue their own agenda at the expense of others. They tell themselves it is their right — they are entitled and others are not.
Consider the “mean” boss, the bully in the schoolyard, or one who abuses children. Think about how the “most powerful” countries in the world take advantage of the smaller and less developed nations. “Might” most certainly does not make “right” nor does it demonstrate the best of which we are capable.
The social consequences of allowing bullying, dominance, and right/wrong decision-making to prevail in our world are enormous.
How much personal growth, loving, caring and sharing is sacrificed when right/wrong thinking and dominance prevails?
How much creativity, productivity and camaraderie is lost to systems and leadership styles that stifle the contribution of employees?
What countries truly strive to maximize the health, happiness, and productivity of their citizenry? The irony is this is more true of “primitive” societies than of “advanced” societies.
The sad thing is that the worst offenders don’t even know what they are missing and are satisfied with the spoils of the greedy wars they wage. They are often unaware of the magnitude of abundance they could create by nourishing rather than starving others.
Look around and you will see many who are consciously working to break through the prevailing cultural pattern of creating personal hierarchies of power in human relationships. It is a slow process of choosing more kindness, more caring, more encouragement of hope and participation. It is fueled by a vision of celebrating our oneness while honoring our differences.
Many are seeking to find ways to tap the vast resources of participation, creativity, and productivity. Momentum is growing as individuals look for enlightened lovers and leaders and join causes that seek greater health and well-being.
People are learning to speak up rather than allowing themselves to be silenced or to give up. Some are creating relationships and organizations that are alive and evolving. They nurture all participants to be free, safe, and encouraged to fully participate. Collaborative thinking is being encouraged.
Pay attention to your affiliations and the quality of your relationships. Are you perpetuating the old or helping to bring in the new?
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