“If I am not for myself, then who will be for me?
And if I am only for myself, then what am I?
And if not now, when?”
–Hillel
Learn to embrace the fullness of life. This calls us to bear personal responsibility and accountability for our own life. I was recently listening to “Radical Self-Acceptance” by Tara Brach. She began to talk about the simple act of saying “yes” to your own life. My immediate reaction was, “Like, duhhh! Who doesn’t know that?” Then I began to check in with myself to see when I was actually saying “yes” or “no” to my life. I was astounded by all the subtle and obvious ways that I was spewing negativity against myself.
I wouldn’t tolerate others attacking me like that, yet there I was rejecting myself again and again.
This experience reminded me of a workshop I attended many years ago. Participants were each given a blank piece of paper representing their daily allotment of energy units. We were asked to walk around the room tearing off pieces of the paper representing how we spent our energy. For many of us, the paper was long gone before we got anywhere near the end of our list. Many of us were shocked by how much of our life force was expended in resistance and negativity towards what was present in our lives. I highly recommend that you try this process. It was a profound exercise for me and has stayed with me all these years.
Self-sabotage comes in many forms. We judge and reject ourselves. We compare ourselves to others and create fantasy fears and illusions. In what ways do you sabotage yourself? What strategies do you use to reclaim and redirect yourself in more uplifting ways? Here are some of my personal favorite ways to say “yes” to my life:
- Observation. The mere act of self-observation brings your consciousness present. It provides the opportunity to claim your own truth and to make different choices, if appropriate. When we don’t pay attention, our negativity can run on autopilot, and we haven’t got a prayer of doing anything about it. So, pay attention. Observe yourself. Once you see your negativity, choose to explore it and do something about it. Einstein’s definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
- Naming the Experience. Somehow, labeling what is going on both within you and in your life can give you a starting point for finding a higher perspective. For example, simply noticing “I am really agitated” begins a process of exploring the source of your agitation. You can look at the ways it is manifesting. It helps to be specific in your observations. For example, knowing that I you agitated rather than angry or exhausted expedites the process of finding a way out of the particular form of negativity being experienced.
- Welcoming Whatever Is Present. This one is from Tara Brach, and I find that practicing it can be quite amusing. At first, it seemed crazy to me to say, “Oh, I gained five pounds, and I feel ashamed of myself and hopeless. I should welcome these feelings? Come on in and sit with me. Have a cup of tea. What are you here to teach me?” By embracing whatever is present, you can short-circuiting your autopilot negativity to what you don’t like or want. Instead of allowing your judgments and resistance to escalate, practice keeping your consciousness open to the possibility that even this thing you don’t like is here for a purpose in your life. Ask yourself, “How is this for me rather than against me?”
- Cultivating Neutrality. It is so easy to fall into the trap of embracing only what we like in life. But this leads to doing everything possible to resist what we don’t like. We all have our personal preferences. However, just as we might prefer a sunny day to a cloudy one, there will be days and experiences we love and those we can’t wait to see end. To merely encounter the variations through the lens of personal preferences is to miss the point. All our life experiences offer us important lessons. Those experiences we avoid will just keep reappearing until we learn the lessons they are here to teach us. In my experience, many of my most precious life lessons have been delivered through unpleasant experiences.
- Accepting What Is Present. Denial doesn’t make the truth disappear. It just postpones the possibility of dealing with it. Acceptance is not about saying you like what is happening. Rather, it is choosing to face reality. It is about calling a spade a spade. I tell myself, “This is what is happening. This is the truth of the matter.” Then, I sit with that before allowing myself to respond.
- Exercising Compassion and Forgiveness for Myself and Others. I pay attention to when I catch myself standing in judgment of myself, others or the circumstances in my life. Then I do my best to focus on replacing my judgments with compassion and forgiveness. It doesn’t necessarily happen on the spot. However, by choosing to keep my heart open and present, I welcome loving kindness into the equation.
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