It really is what’s inside that counts. It isn’t so much what happens to you that determines the quality of your life. Rather, it is how well you deal with what happens.
The quality of our inner experience matters far more than how we measure up to some external measurement of success.
We all have challenges to face. So why don’t we do a better job of educating our children how to work inside themselves to meet difficult experiences? Why are we being left to our own devices to figure out how to cope with life’s trials and tribulations? Why aren’t we taught some basic life wisdom and coping skills early on to better equip us for our life’s journey?
Here are five coping skills that have served me best in facing the more challenging parts of my life.
- Always look for the embedded life lesson.
“What is life trying to teach me?”
Have you ever found yourself complaining about your life, claiming that something always or never happens to you? These types of beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies. Our beliefs are a filter through which we encounter our lives.
Something happens that you don’t like. You process that new experience through your existing beliefs, attitudes, and memories. That in turn generates the same old autopilot thoughts and feelings that you have always had in response to experiences like this. Then, your behavioral response is a fait accompli reflecting this point of view. It has become your way of experiencing your life. That’s how it works.
But how’s that working for you?
“If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten” – Anthony Robbins
Consider the possibility that all of your life experiences carry wisdom that is just waiting politely for you to invite it into your consciousness. So, do that.
Probe deeper into your beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Look for patterns of how you create, promote, and allow your own suffering.
Look for alternative responses. When you are open to receive life’s lessons, they don’t have to keep presenting themselves to you again and again.
2. Trust that what happens is for your highest good. Have you ever lost your job or had a loved one die unexpectedly? Did you think your world had come to an end? Or were you able to see beyond your fear and grief to where the blessings might be?
When I shared a home with my mother for the last nine years of her life, I put much of my life on hold. This allowed us to have quality time together and for me to more fully serve as her caregiver. My loss of income and social isolation were more than made up for by the precious moments and deepened love we shared. I learned things about myself and about life that I can’t imagine having encountered on my previous life trajectory. Catching a curve ball in life can open up new doors that you didn’t have any way of knowing existed. Sometimes, they are the access point to some of life’s most precious treasures.
3. Focus first on embracing the undesirable truth. Look your life straight in the eye and accept that it is so. Whether receiving a terminal diagnosis, watching your marriage fall apart, or not getting accepted at your first choice college or the job accept it.
I’m not suggesting a passive kind of resignation here. Rather, choose a radical kind of intentional acceptance.
OK this is actually happening. I’m not going to deny it. I can meet this challenge in my life.
The alternative is to fall into familiar reactions of blaming and judging others, getting down on yourself, or simply being in shock or disbelief.
I remember when I hit black ice going 60 MPH and totaled my car. I went backwards down a hill and the rear end of my car was sliced in half by the tree that finally stopped it. My first thought was, “I’m alive.” It’s good to start with the fundamental facts and go from there with as little drama as possible. Just breathe into the present moment and let your consciousness assess reality.
When we start extrapolating with high drama mental and emotional scenarios, we are rocketing off into our imagination rather than being present to deal with reality.
Be present in your reality, no matter how scary it is.
You might just be amazed at your quick thinking, resilience, and fortitude. Once you accept the undesirable truth, you can get busy doing your best to deal with it.
4. Take care of yourself and do your best. Some of my biggest life challenges have come in the context of people who wished me ill, didn’t like me, or held different beliefs. What has gotten me into trouble in these situations is trying to change the other person’s point of view or behavior. When I really succeed in dealing with these situations it is because I focus on taking care of myself and loving myself. Trying to defend myself or my point of view in an effort to change the other person isn’t the point.
Taking care of my inner well-being is what helps most.
Let other people live their lives their way. Focus on doing your best to love, nurture, and protect your sweet self. Opinions are like noses — everyone has one.
5. Find good help when you need it. As a mentor, I don’t view my clients as sick or broken for needing my help. I see them as the smart ones who know the value of good resources. After all, how can you be expected to know something until you learn it? Life presents learning opportunities to us all the time. Sometimes we need a plumber or doctor or marriage counselor or Hospice care. If we are smart, we seek and embrace good help.
If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.
