Tag Archive for: thriving

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The Trouble with Assumptions and Expectations

Assumptions and expectations carry the same fatal flaw – they create a preconceived notion about the future that we relate to as if it is reality. Then as the situation unfolds and doesn’t match our assumption or expectation we are caught off-guard and are unprepared for what has happened. Typically, the distance between reality and our imagined future gets filled with negative emotional reactions.

The insidious part of this is that it is usually happening without our awareness, and we end up blaming and judging others for not measuring up to our imagined reality. By setting up preconceived notions about how we want our experiences to be, we plant the seeds of our own unhappiness. 

Consider the following scenario: Jane and Nash are on their third date. He picks her up in his car, they have a nice time together at dinner, go to a comedy club, and then to a bar for drinks. He invites her to come home with him away from the city where she lives. She’s caught off-guard, not on the same page in terms of where they are in the relationship, panics, and says no. He’s annoyed and sarcastically suggests she pay for their drinks, cuts the evening short, and sends her home in an Uber. Nash had an agenda – he assumed that they would have sex on their third date and expected her to say yes. When she didn’t, he was mad and acted that out by having her pay for the drinks and go home in a cab. His preconceived reality did not have room in it for her to behave any differently than he wanted her to.

How might this have looked if he wasn’t operating out of expectations and assumptions? Here are two possibilities. Had Nash been more tuned in to Jane’s reality he might have realized she wasn’t ready to take their relationship to the next level. Instead of inviting her home, he could have affirmed his affection for her and asked her how she was feeling about their relationship. Or he might have gone ahead with his invitation but been open-minded about her response. In either of these two alternate scenarios, Nash would have been staying present in the moment and emotionally open and free in relationship to Jane’s experience. His focus would be more on wanting to know her better than demanding that she want what he wants when he wants it.

Here are some good questions to ask yourself:

  • Where do expectations and assumptions get in my way? 
  • Do I or someone I know behave in a way that is “my way or the highway”? 
  • Do I have any personal or professional relationships that repeatedly get snagged in misunderstandings, judgements, or a lack of cooperation? Do I see patterns of assumptions and expectations on either side that are preventing a healthy, present-in-the-moment flow in the relationship?
  • In what ways do I demand that reality be the way I want it to be rather than the way it is?
  • What can I do to be more trusting of my ability to adapt to the realities of my life?

Please share some of the ways that you see assumptions and expectations getting in the way in your life. By sharing our experiences, we help each other.

For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here.  If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!

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Do You Play the Victim in Your Life?

Whether your immediate response to this question is “Never” or “All the time” or somewhere in between, playing the victim in your life is an important red flag to learn how to spot if you want to maximize your sense of well-being. Here are some of the major ways playing the victim shows up:

  • Difficulty accepting what is happening 
  • Self-talk that reflects self-doubt, judgment, or excuse-making
  • Blaming others for how you are feeling
  • Wanting to run away from the situation you are in 

What does it mean to play the victim? The bottom line is it is about giving your power away to your fears, insecurities, or to other people. It is about choosing to tell yourself two key messages: 

  • It is not my fault.
  • I am helpless to create success in this situation.

Let’s look at some examples:

  • You have an assignment at work and don’t feel confident in your ability to do a great job. Instead of problem-solving the situation to get the help you need, you start running fantasies in your head about how inadequate you are and what will happen if and when you get found out. No one else has rendered you powerless here. You did it all by yourself. You told yourself you couldn’t measure up and made that a self-fulfilling prophecy through the fantasies you spun in your head.
  • You claim to be committed to losing weight but aren’t getting any results. You just keep making excuses about how hard it is because after all, it was your birthday yesterday, and you’re going on a cruise next week, and your car just broke down in front of your favorite fast food restaurant. By making these excuses for yourself, you take no responsibility for your choices and try to convince yourself and others that you had no choices. But you did. Each time, you made the choice to surrender to temptation rather than to keep your word to yourself about losing weight. You keep telling yourself you are trying, but are you really? Trying makes you someone who isn’t doing what it takes to achieve desired results. If you truly want to lose weight, you need to do what it takes to make different choices to get different results.
  • You have accepted a date to have lunch with your friend, Jane. As you sit there listening to her go on and on about herself as she always does, never asking you about your life, you are fuming inside and running an internal commentary about how self-centered and clueless she is. Yet, you sit there nodding your head with a smile on your face hiding the fact that you want to smack her, run away, or scream–but you don’t. You have convinced yourself that it is all her fault, but is it? You won’t risk speaking up or doing something to change the dynamic between you. Instead you just play the victim telling yourself it’s all her fault that you feel the way you do.

Stop making excuses and blaming others for your unhappiness. Henry Ford offered great wisdom about taking charge in our own lives:

If you always do what you‘ve always done,
you‘ll always get what you‘ve always got.

Here’s a simple 3-step process for reclaiming any personal power you are giving away through playing the victim:

1.  Notice when you are playing the victim. Without judgment and with a great sense of humor, observe yourself and notice all the subtle and blatant ways that you declare yourself to be a powerless victim. Be really honest with yourself about this because the more you see, the more you can do something about it. Look at things like:

  • How do I deal with technology challenges? 
  • What goes on inside of me when I am on hold or caught in an endless phone tree trying to get to a human being with answers? 
  • How do I react when I am bored, frustrated, or angered by someone?
  • How do I deal with temptations, stress, or unexpected challenges to meeting my goals?

2.  Pay attention to your inner dialogue. What are you telling yourself is true? Be honest about what you are really thinking and feeling. Gather as much detail as you can and ask yourself:

  • What assumptions am I making about this situation and how do they contribute to my unhappiness? 
  • What common message do my playing-the-victim experiences share?
  • Is this message really the truth or is there something I am afraid of that I avoid experiencing? If so, what is it and what am I afraid will happen if I really take charge of myself in this situation?

3.  Make two new choices:  Choose to take responsibility for your behavior and to create a different response. Keeping your sense of humor, start experimenting with new ways of thinking and behaving in these situations. Armed with your new awareness of what you will do and what will happen if you don’t do something different try some of the following techniques:

  • Practice catching yourself in the act and asking yourself, “How else might I respond to this?”
  • Work on one common reactive pattern at a time. Anticipate it happening again and think of two or three different strategies you might try out. Play with it until you come up with a new way of responding that doesn’t make you a victim. Notice how different it feels to maintain your balance when the going gets tough. Become a skill-building junky! In the example above about having lunch with non-stop talking friend, Jane, you might try interjecting something like, “Heh Jane, I want to update you about what’s happening with Jack” or “Jane, did I tell you what’s happening with Jack?” or “Before I forget, let me tell you the latest about Jack.”  Speak up. Let your voice be heard. Make a game of it.

If you want to take this to a deeper level, remember how your life looked to you through your eyes as a child when you were hurt or upset. Look for the bottom line message you told yourself about what was going on and see if that isn’t the same bottom line you are going to as an adult. This can be powerful and illuminating. 

Remember, your well-being matters and you are the boss of what goes on inside of you.

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Are You Good Enough?

The short answer is “Yes!” But the real problem is the question itself. When we worry about whether we are good enough we are buckling ourselves at the knees over a perceived flaw rather than standing tall in our strengths. 

This act of questioning of our sufficiency causes us to feel inferior without our even realizing it. So, it’s a good idea to ask a better question from time to time to monitor our well-being – “Is there anywhere in my life that I experience concern about whether or not I am good enough?” That’s a question we can do something with because the real issue here is how we feel about ourselves, not how we measure up to some external standard of perfection.  

Here’s an example. Recently I was applying for representation for some of my work in order to get greater visibility. In my monthly creative support group, I discussed my concerns about one or two areas where I didn’t measure up to the candidate profile this organization offered. One of my colleagues pointed this out to me and directed me to review the areas where I did measure up and exceed their expectations. He questioned why I was focusing on my shortcomings. I realized that was a pattern of behavior for me and that I tended to hold myself up to standards of perfection rather than confidently sharing what I have to offer. In seeing this, I was able to shift my perspective, breaking free of my self-imposed rejection which in turn enabled me to proudly offer my strengths. Somehow, I had been assuming that everyone else had strength in all areas of consideration and that I wasn’t worthy of consideration because I had some shortcomings. My friend helped me realize that we are all mixed bags of strengths and weaknesses. I reframed my goal. Rather than seeking approval from one specific company, I sought to find a healthy match between what I have to offer and an organization that is excited to find me. I realized that I wanted a company that could support me in moving to the next level of my growth and development.

Look in your own life to see where you tell yourself you are not good enough. Do you body shame yourself? Do you tell yourself you are not smart enough? Talented enough? Attractive enough? Accomplished enough?  If there are areas where you do this take it to the next level and ask yourself, “Why do I do this to myself? What are my mental and emotional consequences of questioning my worthiness?”

Another way of looking at this issue is to consider the fact that the concern about being good enough is an expression of giving your personal power or agency away. You are telling yourself that other people are better equipped to judge your value than you are and you give them the authority to do so. Here are some examples of questions or thoughts that demonstrate that you are out of balance with yourself:

  • “Do I look fat in this dress?”
  • “Maybe if I take this one more course or workshop then my work will be good enough.”
  • “So and so has more impressive credentials than I do so I probably won’t get the job.”
  • “If someone doesn’t like my work than it must not be very good.”
  • “Why would anyone pick me? There are lots of people who are prettier, smarter, more outgoing.”

This issue all boils down to our relationship with ourselves and whether or not we are captain of our own fan club. Rabbi Hillel the Elder (110 BC – 10 AD) deepens this question of doubting  our own worthiness and invites us to more fully participating in our own life by asking: 

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?”

Finally, rather than relating to your shortcomings as predictors of failure, consider building skill in making the most of whatever you have. If you are playing cards and have been dealt a bad hand, don’t fold your cards and give up. Instead, consider it a challenge to achieve the best possible results with such a hand. It’s not the hand you are dealt that determines your fate. It’s how you play the hand you are dealt that will be the true measure of your worthiness.


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