Archive for category: Relationships

Gay Marriage – The Heart of the Matter

When I was ordained as an interfaith minister in 1985, I was charged with the responsibility of ministering to all regardless of race, creed, color, situation, circumstance, or environment — in other words, to serve without prejudice. Isn’t this what we should really be asking of our “public servants” — i.e. politicians and elected officials who are seeking to influence the laws of “our” land? I am personally delighted that the issue of gay marriage is challenging how our social norms and laws attempt to disempower and limit the freedom of those who are being marginalized — i.e. rejected instead of respected as fellow members of our society.

By ruling on the gay marriage, our Supreme Court is being asked to honor a higher authority than the personal preferences of those who are most influential in getting our elected officials re-elected. In fact the agenda is twofold. First is to legitimize the legal right for gay couples to have access to all the mental, emotional, spiritual, legal, financial, and social benefits of marriage. In addition, it also challenges the authority previously held by lawmakers and social norms to legalize prejudice against a group of citizens who are not considered representative of the preferences of the power brokers of our society. This is simultaneously an issue of the legal rights of a marginalized group and a matter of serving notice to our public servants that they are responsible for serving all of us — not just those they prefer.

The bottom line issue here is not whether or not gay marriage should be recognized, but whether or not our system should condone and legalize prejudice. I believe that nothing is more important here than loving, honoring, respecting, and serving one another. It is time for us to turn this issue inside out and ask ourselves what right do we have to marginalize one another?

Consider these words from Sample Ceremony #3: Celebrating Our Oneness While Honoring Our Differences in the second edition of my book, The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day:

For over twenty years, I have been officiating wedding ceremonies for all kinds of couples.One thing that has always impressed me
is that when a couple’s union challenges
what we are used to,
we are presented with the choice
to either rise to this challenge
or to hold tight to our limiting beliefs.

Whether bridging the gap between
different races, cultures, religions, or age groups,
or being more similar than we are used to
as in couples of the same gender,
these couples have a freedom
that many of us lack.
They are available to love
regardless of race, creed, color,
situation, circumstance, or environment.
There are no walls around their hearts
that prevent them from allowing
love to occur. . .

What an interesting lesson for the rest of us.
How would our individual and collective lives
be different if our hearts were also unbound
by rules and beliefs that we must only love others
who are quite like us, but then, not too much like us?

I celebrate . . . all couples who challenge us to unbind our hearts
and render ourselves vulnerable
to the power and possibilities of love.

 

May we rise to the best that is within us in responding to this challenge.

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What Marrying Couples Often Forget

When the promises of a bride and groom are made in the bubble of romantic love, yet untested by life, there is naiveté and ignorance about what life can bring. As a minister who marries many couples, I have come to accept that life will have its way with each couple. They will be tested by the tides of life, by chance and circumstance, by the routines of daily living, and by the full cycle of the seasons of life. While they may think they are entering their marriage with the knowledge that together they will face life’s sorrow no less than its sweetness, there is usually an accompanying and typically unspoken belief that “it will be different for us because we love each other so much.”

Marriage isn’t really about the two united against the world, but rather the two individuals in a world full of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual challenges and surprises. Their challenge is to figure out how to sustain their love, while honoring and cherishing themselves and each other through it all. Will they be able to fan the fire of their love enough to make their love more important to them than anything else that challenges them along the way?

I deeply believe that there is nothing more important than loving one another. However, love must be matured, tested, deepened, and strengthened by the trials and triumphs of life. The challenge is, how do I accept the fact that we will both disappoint ourselves and each other? How do I love you when I don’t like how you are behaving? How do I love you when you hurt me, disappoint me, betray me or turn against me? How do I love myself when I am the one who falls short of my own beliefs and values? How do I know if I need to leave my marriage?

Even the best of marriages can end. For some, this is the loss of an oasis in the world and it’s hard to let go of that, although when you are thinking of leaving your oasis has probably long since become a battleground. I’ve known many couples who met in their youth and became each other’s safe place in the world to run to from abuse or other challenges at home (where they were supposed to be safe). Thinking they would be safe together forever, they often find themselves unable to comprehend or accept the adult scars of their partner’s childhood traumas or how their respective needs change over time.

I think we would all have a better chance at creating a successful marriage if we first learned how to love ourselves rather than looking for someone else to love us instead. The two are not mutually exclusive, but the quality of our ability to love another is directly proportionate to how well we have learned to love ourselves. Wouldn’t it be interesting if we were required to pass a certification program in self respect and self love before we could qualify for a marriage license?

Regardless of whether a couple decides to move forward together or separately, it is important to recognize that relationships are wonderful teachers. When things get rough, we often polarize against our partner, blaming and judging them for whatever has occurred. We forget that it takes two to tango and sometimes we are simply disowning our own dark side by projecting it onto our partner and then rejecting them for it.

Remember that the real world we live in together is not utopia. That’s why marriage vows ask us to love, honor, and cherish each other for richer or poorer, in good times and bad, and in sickness and in health. In other words, rather than making the other person wrong when life doesn’t go your way, consider building skills in loving yourself and each other through the challenges that come along.

Consider whether it is possible to sacrifice your judgments, expectations, and any other ways that you have learned to separate yourself from your partner. Unless your partner is physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive, you should be willing to get some altitude above the situation and look at what each of you is doing that is creating the problem. Communicate honestly about what you are experiencing without making your partner wrong. Don’t pretend that you are helpless and hopeless, living at the effect of your partner’s attitude and behavior. Participate fully in your life and hold yourself accountable for your actions and reactions as well.

When two people are simply unable to sustain their love for each other and are unwilling to spend the remainder of their life in what is left of their relationship, then divorce becomes a way to set each other free. In the best of divorces, partners are able to say goodbye and sincerely wish each other well, taking with them fond memories and valuable life lessons.

If you have ever been through a divorce, you probably know that place in your consciousness that becomes unsure of how to ever trust your own judgment again. “I chose this person. I loved this person. I really thought we would spend the rest of our lives together being loving and kind and supportive to each other. Now, we can’t stand the sight of each other and are trying to get more than our share in a divorce settlement.” What really happens to people like this? While not all divorces end in animosity, too many do. There are also marriages that, for a variety of reasons, are better terminated.

For some couples, leaving is never an option. If it is, then even your dearest confidant cannot and should not tell you to leave your marriage. You and your partner made sacred vows to each other. Only you know if you cannot or will not honor that vow going forward. It is a deep personal decision; look only into your own heart to find the answer. Beyond anger, beyond fear there is a part of you that simply knows.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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Keeping The Doors Of Love Open In Your Relationship

I am meeting with a lot of couples these days regarding officiating at their wedding ceremonies, as May to October is high season for weddings. The wedding industry has become so commercialized that we often forget what the hoopla is all about. While planning for their wedding day, most couples spend at least 90 percent of their energy focusing on the reception. Yet whether custom-designing their ceremony or planning a traditional religious ritual, it is the ceremony that is the real heart of the matter. The entire day — the gathering of friends and family, the fancy clothes and feast — are all happening because these two people have found each other and are pledging to love, honor and cherish one another for the rest of their lives.

The sad truth is that at least half of these happy couples will end up divorced. It seems that loving, honoring and cherishing each other is easier said than done. These three expressions of our caring are activities, not just nice concepts. They must be engaged in each and every day to keep a marriage healthy and dynamic.

One of the greatest keys to creating the kind of environment where loving, honoring and cherishing each other will occur is captured in my favorite wedding ring exchange. It symbolizes the true essence of a successful marriage. Each partner places a ring on the other’s finger only up to the knuckle while pledging his/her love. Next, the recipient takes the ring over the knuckle and acknowledges receipt of the gift of the other’s love. In this way, each one acknowledges that he or she is the giver and the receiver of love. This signifies the fact that in order for the exchange of love between two people to remain alive and vibrant, four things have to be happening at once. Each partner must openly give his or her love to the other while also remaining open to receive the love of the other. Again, this is easier said than done.

When the wedding has passed and time marches on, couples are left to figure out how to keep the four doors of love open in order for them both to feel safe and nurtured in the love they share. It behooves us all to pay far greater attention to the responsibility we have taken on through our promises in the wedding vows. They are not simply pretty words; they represent sacred commitments, and it is important that we keep our promises. We do so, or not, through the choices we make and the behaviors we express moment by moment, day by day and year after year.

It’s easy to slam one of these symbolic doors shut when our partner disappoints us in some way. But when that becomes the normal way that we respond to each other, the trust, safety and foundation of the relationship is eroded. In time, alienation, judgments, distancing and hostility replace the love, trust and hopefulness that started the union.

In marriage, two people pledge to be there for each other — as partners and as flawed beings, through both the good times and the bad. That commitment gets tested by the winds of change, by fate, choices, personal vulnerabilities and circumstances. Next time your partner does something you don’t like, try doing these four things:

  1. Separate your reaction to your partner’s behavior from your loving support of the person. Let him or her know why you are disappointed, how the behavior impacts you and why you find it so upsetting.
  2. Affirm your love for your partner. Let him or her know that your doors of giving and receiving love are still open and that giving this feedback is part of that loving.
  3. If necessary, let your partner know that while he or she is welcome in your heart, the particular behavior, if a significant enough issue, may not be welcomed by you. Let them know what the consequences will be of continuing the behavior.
  4. Invite a discussion of what each of you can do individually and together to move through and past the problem.

If a couple has built a strong enough bond, most anything can be overcome together. Here’s an example: Let’s say you find out that your partner has been having an affair. Once you gather your wits enough to have a civil conversation or to write your partner a letter, try something like this:

I am devastated to find this out, and I hate that you did this to me and to our marriage. We promised to love, honor and cherish each other, and this behavior is none of those things. You have broken the deep bond of trust between us, and as a result I do not feel safe with you emotionally or sexually.

Our love is deeper than this behavior. Know that I love you and that is why I am standing here in front of you, wanting us to find a way through this together. I need you to know that any continuance of your affair is a further strike on your part against the sanctity of our marriage. I will not and cannot tolerate that. If you choose to continue your affair, I will recognize that as your choice to abandon our marriage.

If you choose to end your affair and would like to restore our marriage and work together to rebuild what has been broken, I am here. You have one week to make your choice. If you stay in our marriage, I would like us to seek professional help to guide us through the process of finding our way back to each other.

Notice in these three paragraphs, which could be spoken or written, you address all four doors of loving — the giving and receiving of love by both partners. If those four choices are not made, the love will not survive.

What are you doing, or what could you be doing differently to keep the doors of loving open in the relationships in your life?

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If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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10 Secrets to Creating the Perfect Wedding Ceremony

Most couples want a wedding ceremony that speaks to their unique values, beliefs and life circumstances, but beyond a few inspired ideas, many are at a loss about how to put it all together. Having designed and officiated at hundreds of wedding ceremonies, here are my 10 top secrets to creating the ceremony of your dreams:

1) Remember that the ceremony is a sacred ritual and the most important part of your wedding day.

The marriage ceremony is rich with traditions that cross cultural boundaries and date back to ancient times. If a contemporary marriage ceremony does not include this sacred dimension, it runs the risk of being little more than the creation of a legal union. Like digging a well to tap into the aquifer, a ceremony that draws upon the sacred dimension connects a couple into the mystery of two becoming.

2) The wedding ceremony is a theatrical production and you are the producers/directors.

A seamless wedding ceremony is a carefully choreographed production. This theatrical dimension requires balancing the creation of a meaningful ceremony with careful attention to the details. Thinking everything through ahead of time and having a thorough rehearsal allows the members of the wedding party to confidently perform their parts, which will make the ceremony appear effortless to your guests.

It’s important that you take charge. If you have advisors, let them guide you through what decisions need to be made and what your alternatives are, but don’t let them make decisions for you. Even when you have a bridal consultant, be sure that all decisions affecting the ceremony are made by you.

3) A great ceremony strikes a balance between personal expression and tradition.

The rules governing the content of a wedding ceremony are those of the church and state. Religious traditions have their own specific way of performing the wedding ceremony and may not be open to the idea of personalizing the ceremony for individual couples. State laws specify such things as the minimum age for brides and grooms, the need for a qualified officiant, and the speaking of vows in front of witnesses.

When a couple is getting married outside the auspices of a particular religious tradition, they are free to customize their ceremony as long as they honor the laws of the state where they are getting married.

Creating a wonderful ceremony is a matter of balancing the opportunity for expressing your uniqueness with the comfort of the common ground of tradition. Going too far in one direction or the other creates a ceremony that is memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Be careful not to throw away all the elements of tradition. For example, when presenting ceremonial elements in my book, “The Wedding Ceremony Planner,” I chose to loosely follow the structure of the wedding ceremony found in the Book of Common Prayer, since eighty percent of Americans are Christian. That is why this common root of Christian wedding ceremonies is so familiar to most people. It also provides a logical sequence of events that allows the ceremony to reach crescendo with the sharing of vows, the ring exchange, the final blessing, pronouncement, and the kiss. I recommend that couples put their signature on their ceremony in the content of the elements they choose to include rather than in their sequencing.

4) Make sure you and your ceremony officiant have a comfortable working relationship.

The role of the officiant in a traditional religious ceremony is governed in large part by the rules of that religion, while interfaith and ecumenical ministers have much more freedom to customize your ceremony with you. Remember that you get to choose who marries you, and it is very important that you have a comfortable working relationship with him or her. Our job as clergy is to guide you and to serve you, and some of us do a better job of that than others.

It is not uncommon for couples to be intimidated by members of the clergy. We have personalities, and strengths and weaknesses in how we perform our jobs, just like everyone else. You are entitled to an officiant who cares about you and wants to help you to create the wedding ceremony that is right for you, even if it means he or she needs to go above and beyond the call of duty.

5) Allow your ceremony to be unique, but not a cliché.

Some couples try too hard to be unique, and end up including elements in their ceremony that are either disappointing, cliché or offensive to some of their guests. For example, one couple planned to have butterflies released during their recessional. Unfortunately, when the cardboard containers were opened, half the butterflies were dead. At another wedding, the groom, accompanied by his rock band, played a song for his bride in the middle of the ceremony. This mini jam session left many traditional guests horrified.

6) Be very clear about the time and location of your ceremony.

Some people believe that weddings never start on time. However, most couples plan the time of their reception based upon the assumption that their ceremony will start on time. Remember, the later your ceremony starts, the more time and money you will lose on your reception. It is a good idea to either be clear that your ceremony will start on time, or build in a time cushion by scheduling the start time fifteen minutes before you actually plan to begin. Just be careful not to put those who arrive on time in the position of having to wait too long.

Similarly, it is important to give your guests clear information about your ceremony location. Some couples choose locations that are aerobically challenging or simply inaccessible to elderly or physically challenged guests — including women in high heels. Be sure to include an excellent map and directions with your invitations. Also, strategically place signs, balloons or ushers to guide your guests to the wedding site. Another good idea is to provide the cell phone number of someone willing to serve as a contact person for guests who get delayed or lost. Give your family and friends the gift of a ceremony that starts on time, at a user-friendly, easy to reach site.

7) Keep it short and simple.

You can create a beautiful and memorable ceremony that takes no more than 15 or 20 minutes. In my experience, a ceremony that goes much longer than that runs the risk of creating fidgety, bored, and impatient guests. For example, you may lose the attention of your guests by including more than two readings.

8) Just breathe. Be present. Be joyful.

Your wedding ceremony is when you will first see all of your guests and they will see you. This may be a bit overwhelming or anxiety producing. I have seen many a couple come before me with terrified smiles on their faces and no air moving through their bodies. That’s when I remind them “Just breathe.” It is so simple, yet sometimes challenging for a couple to let go of all concerns so they can bring their hearts and minds present. Once they get to the altar, all the bride and groom really need to do is to look into the eyes of their beloved and just breathe and feel the joy in their hearts. What a magnificent moment in life and what a shame to miss it because you are worrying about some detail or find yourself overcome with nerves.

The greatest gift you can give yourself and each other on your wedding day is to be fully present in the loving that brought you both to this moment. You can only focus your attention on one thing at a time. So, let it be the joy, loving, and gratitude you feel to be joining together in marriage, rather than worrying about whether or not the caterer got your message about the olives. Just be fully present in your loving.

9) Remember that your wedding day has only 24 hours.

While this is one of the most important days of your life, it only has 24 hours like any other day and will come and go before you know it. The more you obsess about your wedding, the less you are likely to enjoy it. Have fun planning your special day, but don’t fall into the trap of trying to make it the most perfect and spectacular wedding that has ever existed on planet earth.

Enjoy discovering and expressing what aspects of your wedding day are truly important to the two of you as individuals and as a couple. Just remember, this is not an Olympic event. It is the celebration of your commitment to each other and the beginning of your journey together as husband and wife. Have a heartfelt and delightful day.

Don’t set yourselves up for disappointment by buying into unrealistic expectations and then falling into post-wedding depression because the day has passed and you are no longer the king and queen for the day. Your wedding day is meant to be a gathering of loved ones to witness and celebrate your union and to launch you into your life together as husband and wife. That brief 15 or 20 minutes called your wedding ceremony is what the day is all about — your entrance into the sacred and joyous covenant of marriage. Then you party, and then you have the rest of your lives together to fulfill your vows by loving, honoring, and cherishing each other.

10) Delegate, have fun, and keep your sense of humor.

Do plan ahead, paying careful attention to the details, and delegate implementation of your wishes to friends, family, and professionals. Once you have set your plans in motion, let them go. Do not carry them with you throughout your wedding day, comparing what actually happens to what was on your list. What you planned for was your image of perfection, which never actually happens. Remember to keep your sense of humor handy and to enjoy the serendipity as it unfolds. Be open to the unexpected blessings and surprises that are sure to come your way. May you and your marriage be blessed in all ways, always.

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If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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Five of the Best Wedding Ceremony Locations in the Hudson Valley, N.Y.: Part Two: The Inside Scoop

As promised in Part 1 of this article last week, here are the top 10 common themes and words of wisdom gleaned from my interviews about wedding ceremonies in the Hudson Valley. Remember these folks have the inside track on what does and doesn’t go well in wedding ceremonies. So, even if you are not getting married in the Hudson Valley, there’s lots of wisdom here for you to think about as well. Enjoy!

1. There’s a trend towards one-stop shopping with couples having their ceremonies onsite -the common exception is Catholic ceremonies that take place at local churches.

2. All five venues welcome same-sex marriages. As Christina Latvatalo of Mohonk Mountain House says, “we are here for everyone!” On this note, if you are a same-sex couple looking for friendly vendors – look for this symbol on a vendor’s site:

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This image is the wedding industry’s universal symbol to show support for same-sex unions. When you see this symbol, you know this wedding professional supports same-sex marriage. It’s just now making the rounds, so if you find a friendly vendor who doesn’t use this symbol on their website — please do tell them about it.

3. When selecting a wedding officiant:

  • Most couples want a spiritual but not religious tone to their ceremony and many incorporate traditions from their respective religious or ethnic heritage.
  • Think twice before having a friend or family member officiate who obtained ordination credentials online. These individuals, while usually very special to the couple, don’t know how to design a ceremony ritual, or run a rehearsal and ceremony. As a result, rehearsals tend to be a bit chaotic and the ceremonies are often missing many of the professional touches of seasoned officiants.
  • Most officiants are not giving couples as much support as they need. Couples need to be careful in choosing an officiant -consider asking venues to recommend someone from their preferred vendor list.

4. Choose only those things that are deeply meaningful to you. Jeremy Hudler, Onteora’s Event Manager, had this advice for couples, “be calm, be yourself, be with each other, and have fun.” Todd Smith of the Garrison said, “Couples have to prioritize – come up with what is important to them and be true to themselves. They can’t afford to let the static that is coming to them from friends and family, and the bridal industry dictate what is important to them.” And Laurie Hicinbothem of Diamond Mills added, “It’s their day and it’s important to put a lot of thought into the ceremony to make it meaningful to the couple and not just recite cookie-cutter vows.”

5. All but one of these locations takes a “hands-off” approach to the ceremony itself – leaving the ceremony entirely to the couple and officiant unless the couple specifically asks for their assistance and recommendations. As Nikola Rebraca of the Belvedere Mansion said, “We offer a location, food, and staff, but beyond that it’s all their decision based on their budgets and their needs.”

6. A note of caution to couples who want their ceremonies to be short and sweet. Nikola Rebraca cautioned couples against opting for a quicky 3-5 minute ceremony saying “they miss the point. Marriage and your life together are much more meaningful than that. The whole day is about your commitment in marriage.” As an officiant, I find it is possible to create a very beautiful and meaningful 15-20 minute ceremony – beyond that people tend to get fidgety – especially if the ceremony is outdoors on a hot day.

7. Wedding planners hired by couples are the exception not the rule at these locations – on average they see only 1-2 wedding planners each year.

8. Couples are visiting more venues before choosing which one to book. This is partly due to a major increase in the number of options in the Hudson Valley over the past 5+ years.

9. The ceremony rehearsal is a must to put the couple and wedding party at ease. All my interviewees mentioned the importance of a rehearsal – even for the simplest of ceremonies.

10. People are simplifying. As Todd Smith of the Garrison noted, there has been “a trend toward less décor over the last few years in part due to economic considerations.”

The typical couple choosing these premiere venues is sophisticated and in their late 20’s to 30’s. As Bob McBroom of Onteora characterizes them, “most have been living together for a few years, are accomplished professionals who are used to some responsibilities, and they don’t have a lot of fairytale expectations.”

I’ll be interviewing other wedding professionals for upcoming articles – photographers are next. If you have any specific questions or concerns, write to me and I’ll address them in a future article.

I hope this is helpful to you. There is nothing like getting the inside scoop from the folks behind the scenes. Best wishes for a beautiful wedding ceremony that resonates deeply with the two of you. Come to the Hudson Valley – we’ll take great care of you!

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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Five of the Best Wedding Ceremony Locations in the Hudson Valley, NY: Part 1

As a wedding ceremony officiant in the Hudson Valley for over 20 years, I thought it might be helpful to share an insider’s view of some of the best wedding ceremony sites in the beautiful Hudson Valley. As it turns out, about 95 percent of couples are having their wedding ceremonies on site at their reception locations. So, I interviewed the owners and wedding managers at five of my favorite locations. In Part 1 of this article, I’ll give you a look at each of them with links to their websites and contact information. In Part 2 next week, I’ll summarize the inside scoop I gathered from the following five fabulous venues.

Onteora Mountain House
PO Box 356 | 96 Piney Point Road | Boiceville, NY 12412 | 845-657-6233
Interviewees: Bob McBroom, Proprietor and Jeremy Hudler, Event Manager
Photo Credit: Eric Ekroth Photography

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Onteora, located 100 miles north of New York City in the heart of the Catskill State Park, is available for weddings from May to October. They host about 30 weddings each year with an average size of 120 guests and a maximum of 200. Almost all couples who marry here come from the New York City area to have a weekend destination wedding with exclusive use of the facilities, including seven guest rooms, surrounded by family and friends in this private, sophisticated enclave overlooking the breathtaking Esopus Valley. Outdoor ceremonies typically take place on the 90-foot deck overlooking the majesty of the mountains. A new indoor dining room with ceiling to floor windows is the perfect setting for indoor ceremonies.

Mohonk Mountain House
1000 Mountain Rest Road, New Paltz, NY 12561 845-256-2053
Interviewee: Christina Latvatalo, Wedding Sales & Coordination Manager
Photo Credit: J. Ferrara Photography

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Christina has overseen the weddings at Mohonk for over 17 years now. She describes Mohonk as “the most magical place in the Hudson Valley to have a wedding.” To say Mohonk is unique is an understatement — this legendary Victorian castle built in 1869 on spectacular cliffs above Lake Mohonk is a mountaintop resort just 90 miles north of New York City. It offers 259 guest rooms, awe-inspiring views and encounters with nature’s beauty, a family-friendly atmosphere, and an award-winning spa. About half of the 60-70 couples who choose Mohonk for their weddings each year have some tie to the thousands of acres of pristine forest and winding trails it offers. Many have hiked in the area or their families have visited Mohonk for generations. Others are delighted to discover Mohonk for the first time. Vow renewal ceremonies and anniversary celebrations offer another special way to bring family and friends together as the centerpiece of a family reunion. An estimated 60 percent live in the tri-state area — many from New York City.

The Garrison
2015 US 9, Garrison, NY 10524 845-424-3604 x 30
Interviewee: Todd Smith, Banquet Sales Manager
Photo Credit: Sarma & Co Photography

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The Garrison hosts about 80 weddings each year. Ninety percent of the couples who wed at the Garrison live in the New York City area. One groom commented that he “always wanted to get married here because it’s like looking out on a beautiful mural that God made.” An hour north of Manhattan, the Garrison’s 300 stunning acres offer a spectacular countryside retreat with critically-acclaimed cuisine, impeccable service, Hudson River and mountain views, and sophisticated elegance in a natural setting. The Garrison has an “eat local philosophy” — serving local, organic meats, vegetables, and herbs. Most outdoor weddings take place under the pergola in the Ceremony Garden. Constructed of carefully inter-woven bittersweet vines, the pergola can be left natural or decorated with flowers and greenery. The north-westerly facing garden frequently has unforgettable sunsets. Most indoor ceremonies are now in the new Hudson Room, designed by Sharon Davis Design Studio and offering a panoramic 360-degree view that brings the outdoors inside.

Regarding his preferred vendor list, Todd says “I hand select vendors — they have to be gracious, gracious people to ensure that all Garrison weddings offer the best expertise from the best officiants, photographers, florists, and other vendors the Hudson Valley has to offer.”

The Belvedere Mansion
10 Old Route 9, Staatsburg, NY 12580 845-889-8000
Interviewee: Nikola Rebraca, proprietor of the Belvedere Mansion
Photo used with permission.

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Nikola characterizes the Belvedere as “a boutique hotel with great, authentic European food and an intimate setting on a totally private estate.” They offer three outdoor ceremony locations as well as an indoor option. Small ceremonies often take place in Belvedere’s original Stanford White designed gazebo. Larger gatherings of 200-250 often choose a site along the pond, but 90 percent of Belvedere ceremonies are mid-sized and take place behind a gate in a lovely French Garden. Indoor ceremony options are also available.

Diamond Mills Hotel and Tavern
25 South Partition Street, Saugerties, NY 12477 845-247-0700
Interviewees: Tom Struzzieri, owner and Laurie Hicinbothem, the Event Sales Manager.
Photo Credit: Maximillian B. Nucci

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Diamond Mills, a member of the Small Luxury Hotels Network, is a boutique hotel and tavern located along the beautiful Esopus Falls, which used to provide power for many Saugerties businesses. It can now be enjoyed from the private balconies of the hotel’s 30 guest rooms and as the backdrop for two of the facility’s ceremony site options — even in inclement weather when a protective tent can be used. Indoor ceremony locations include the hotel’s grand hallway with a majestic staircase or one of the ballrooms. Reputed to have a “Soho in Saugerties feel,” Diamond Mills is one of the Hudson Valley’s newest wedding locations and is just now entering its second season. With 30+ weddings booked to-date for 2013, they are already booking into 2014 and beyond. About half of the couples who have their weddings here come from the New York City area, while the other half come from Dutchess, Ulster, and Greene counties. Though their Grand Ballroom can accommodate up to 400 guests for dinner, their average wedding includes an average of 145 guests.

The only problem with these venues is that you have to pick only one! If you have any questions for me about these locations, feel free to email me or leave your comments below and share your thoughts. There are more wonderful venues in the Hudson Valley as well which I will cover in future articles.

There are so many beautiful wedding locations in the Hudson Valley to choose from. Come and enjoy our bounty, beauty, and wonderful people.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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3 Reasons You Shouldn’t Ask a Friend or Family Member To Officiate At Your Wedding

There is a popular trend these days to have a friend or family member go online to receive an ordination certificate in a matter of minutes so they can “legally” officiate at your wedding. While on the surface this might sound like a fun idea, a look below the surface reveals some really good reasons why this is NOT a good idea. As an interfaith minister who has been officiating at weddings for over twenty years now and as author of the bestselling book on wedding ceremony design, here are my top three really good reasons why you should hire a seasoned professional to officiate at your ceremony.

Some states do not recognize some online ordination credentials. The last thing you want to find out after your wedding is that you are not legally married. So, tread with caution. It is the state where your ceremony takes place, not the state where you live that has jurisdiction. Just as state laws about who can get married are changing, so are the laws regarding who can officiate at weddings. Not all online ordinations are equally acceptable, so be very specific in researching what sites are and are not acceptable in your state. Keep yourself informed about any changes that occur in these laws during the course of your wedding preparations.

There are a thousand little details that add up to a great ceremony. Which ones are you willing to have overlooked? Why put someone you love in the position of being responsible for something they know nothing about? Why not let your friend or family member enjoy being a guest at your wedding instead of bearing the burden of doing something so important that they know nothing about? Unless your friend or family member happens to already be a member of the clergy, why put this responsibility on them? Most couples and the friends and/or family member they choose to officiate are clueless about what goes into designing a ceremony, running a wedding rehearsal, or officiating at the ceremony. Think about it – would you hire a band for your reception that had never played together before? Would you want your wedding to be their first gig?

There are better, safer options. A seasoned officiant knows the in’s and out’s of advising you on the logistics of your rehearsal and ceremony as well as the design of the text and the ritual itself. They can be a wealth of information and ideas to help you create the ceremony that is perfect for you. They know what works, and what doesn’t.

If you are worried about not belonging to a religious community, not wanting a stranger to officiate at your ceremony, or wanting to have control over what is said at your ceremony – no problem. There are three fabulous resources for finding the right officiant.

The first is to ask your wedding vendors. Typically, your first wedding decision is going to be your wedding date and location. Ask the wedding coordinator at your venue to share their impressions of the officiants on their preferred vendor list and to recommend the ones they think are a good match for you. Call these recommended officiants and/or make appointments to meet. Trust your instincts about who you are comfortable with, how resourceful and flexible they seem to be, and how they react to your story and wishes for your ceremony.

The second resource is to ask around among your friends. Ask your married friends who they had officiate at their ceremony? Were they pleased or not? Why? Ask friends and family if they attended any weddings where the officiant did a really good job.

Third, use regional wedding websites and major wedding websites that have regional vendor listings. Read the listings and reviews on officiants there. One of the most popular sites is http://www.weddingwire.com.

Your wedding ceremony is what your wedding day is all about. Give it the respect and attention it deserves as an expression of what crossing this threshold together really means to you. The person who officiates at your ceremony will have a lot of influence on what will hopefully become a beautiful memory for you. So, be thoughtful and careful in selecting the officiant who is right for you. Be as honest as possible about who you are and who you aren’t. If someone rejects you because they don’t share your beliefs, be glad you didn’t hire them! Just keep looking for the right match. Find someone who is happy for you, is on your wavelength, and gives you confidence that they will help you create a wedding ceremony that exceeds your biggest dreams. You deserve that!

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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