What Kind of Life Are You Creating for Yourself?

“I am seeking the fullest expression of myself as a human being on Earth.”
–Oprah Winfrey

Can you even begin to imagine if each and every one of us lived our lives with deep commitment to such a lofty vision? Why don’t we? What do we make more important than manifesting our fullest expression?

It is easy to dismiss Oprah’s success based on her vast fortune and to say, “Well, I could do great things with all that money, too!” But remember, Oprah started out as a poor, black girl in rural Mississippi, born to unwed, teenaged parents. Her early years were spent at her grandmother’s farm with no indoor plumbing or electricity. Then she lived with her mother in Milwaukee, where she was sexually abused by several male relatives and began to act out as a troubled young teen. Next, she lived with her father in Nashville, and his stern discipline gave her the guidance and stability she apparently needed to flourish. She began to excel in school and by 19 had a part-time job as a radio reporter in Nashville. The rest, as they say, is history.

Even if any of us could argue that we have faced bigger challenges than Oprah, the question remains, “What are you doing with your life?” What is your contribution? What kind of relationships do you have with yourself and others? How do you give of yourself?

Each of us is born, we breathe in and out for an unspecified period of time and then we die. That’s life. Each of us has our very own set of challenges, preferences and capabilities. What are yours, and what are you doing with them? Do you use them as excuses for failure or do you leverage them into greater wisdom and success?

As each new year arrives, many of us take stock of where we are in our lives and what changes we want to make. I am always amused to see how packed the gym is for the first few days of January and then how it gets back to normal in a week or two. It seems that the mere fact that it is a new year fails to provide sufficient momentum in most people to make substantive changes in their lives.

Having been raised Catholic, I am familiar with the experience of coming out of the confessional and feeling like I have a clean slate and wanting to keep it that way. Each new year has always had a similar feeling for me of starting anew, having yet another chance to direct myself through the trials and triumphs of life and wanting to lift myself up higher.

I used to work in strategic planning and learned to view the assets of any individual or organization as people, money and time. I now apply this perspective to myself in managing my own life. As I stand on the threshold of a new year, I am me and all that that encompasses. I have the money I have, no more and no less, and I have another allotment of 8,760 hours to do with as I will. The name of the game, as I see it, is to stay conscious of who I am, what I have and where I am going, and to be open to the possibilities that present themselves. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions or go to big New Year’s parties. Most years, I choose to spend New Year’s Eve alone using the vantage point of ending one year and starting a new one to pause and take a good look at my life. My ritual involves the following:

  • Experience gratitude for the gifts and lessons of the past year. Be grateful for new and existing friends, personal and professional accomplishments, wisdom gained, lessons learned, new skills and abilities and storms weathered.
  • Acknowledge losses. As life marches on, we lose jobs, friends and family, lovers and partners. For each loss, I like to look at how that job or person enriched my life, how we parted ways — whether by death or discord — and how I am better for having had that experience or person in my life.
  • Review last year’s intentions and compare them to what transpired over the past year. Notice whether or not the intentions were realistic based on the information known when they were made. What surprises showed up? What was being ignored?
  • Set clear intentions for what to create, promote or allow in the coming year. Knowing that life will be full of surprises, I like to set clear but flexible goals for the coming year. I frame them more as affirmations of what I choose to claim as my possibilities with a clear intention to do my best to manifest them rather than setting New Year’s resolutions that carry an expectation of not coming true.

As captain of my own little ship on the sea of life, I get to choose my way through the opportunities and challenges that come my way. I do my best to keep on track or to revise my intentions as needed. It’s a living, breathing process, not a rigid goal that must be achieved. I also have an overarching vision or purpose to which I am dedicating my life. This helps to guide my choices and to inform my life each and every day.

How did you celebrate and honor the coming of the new year? What are your rituals?

I wish each and every one of you a happy, healthy and fulfilling new year of 8,760 hours. I hope you will use your allotment well for the highest good of all concerned. And finally, my best wishes to Oprah as she leads OWN, her new television network, which launched yesterday, Jan. 1, 2011, at noon. Her mission is to help unleash the power of human potential by providing mindful, not mindless, television that helps people live their best lives. Thank you, Oprah!

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How To Give Gifts With A Smile

“He gives little who gives with a frown;
he gives much who gives little with a smile.”
–The Talmud

Coming out of the holiday season, I’ve heard many stories from friends and clients about giving and receiving gifts. One significant lesson I learned is the importance of taking personal responsibility for your own happiness — or lack thereof — in the gift giving arena. When we place our material and/or emotional happiness in the hands of others who may or may not be willing or able to deliver, we put ourselves in a very precarious position.

Some married women (who are not gold-diggers) share a common concern despite their best efforts to explain their point of view to their partners. Their stories boil down to the fact that they really want to receive thoughtful gifts from their partners who profess to either not want to be bothered or dismiss gift-giving as commercialism. Some of these partners, in an effort to do the bare minimum, will run out to the store at the last minute and grab something with little attention to her particular likes and dislikes — i.e. they go through the motions, but their hearts are not in it. Yet, these same men enjoy receiving and using the thoughtful gifts they receive. In the meantime, these women come up with some very interesting and sometimes not-so-nice ways of handling their disappointment.

One friend told me that on her first Christmas with her husband, they lavished each other with gifts. Then, her birthday came two months later, and she looked forward to what he would do to acknowledge her day. Nothing. No “Happy birthday, honey.” No card. No flowers. No presents. She was deeply hurt and red-hot angry. The next day, she went to a jeweler, picked out a necklace, called her husband from the store and announced that she had just found his birthday present to her and handed the phone to the store clerk to get his credit card information. Most women will make their partners pay one way or another, reasoning, “Why should I give you what you want when you obviously don’t care what I want?”

I’ve spoken to a few men about this. I am struck by what seems to be a common posture of not wanting to be forced to do something they don’t want to do. Some of them, more specifically, are reluctant to let a woman tell them what to do.

Not all women feel the same about giving and receiving gifts. However, if you are a man in a relationship with a woman who would be disappointed and hurt if you didn’t give her a thoughtful gift, you might want to reframe your perspective on the situation. This is more about listening to what the woman you love is telling you about what’s important to her and how she would like you to demonstrate your love than it is about her telling you what to do. If you give a woman red roses and later find out that she prefers white lilies, next time give her white lilies — not because she is telling you what to do, but because she is telling you how to put a smile on her face. You might say, “She knows I love her.” That is not the point. She needs to know that you are willing to make a fuss over her — to demonstrate your love for her in a way that is meaningful to her. Whether you are giving her a diamond necklace or a teddy bear, it really is the thought that counts. So, guys, Valentine’s Day is coming — see if you can find a way to come at it from your loving and caring for your woman rather than from resentment or obligation.

Now, let’s talk about female friends who are on unequal footing in the gift-giving department. First of all, don’t be too quick to judge a friend who misses the mark. I have a dear friend who prides herself on how thoughtful she is in selecting the gifts she gives, yet I have rarely received anything from her that I have kept and usually have a difficult time finding sincere words to thank her. I have tried a number of times to steer her in the right direction or to suggest we make donations in each other’s name instead of gifts, but insists. She is making an effort, just missing the mark. Not wanting to offend her, I thank her, and then off to Goodwill the gifts go. While it is really great to get something you like, it is the thought that counts.

Then there are the friends who re-gift things they do not want or give generic, cheap gifts — like a candle from the drug store. The whole point of giving is to express your fondness for another person — to let them know you love them and consider yourself blessed to have them in your life. Don’t insult your friends with meaningless presents. Take the time to show you care, and give them something that will be meaningful to them. If you aren’t good at gift giving, find someone who is, and ask them to teach you.

“The manner of giving is worth more than the gift.” –Pierre Corneille

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Are You Living In Your Own World?

Each one of us is the star, producer, director and audience of our very own feature film in the theater of our mind. It’s like living in our own parallel universe. There is the “real world” — within which we all exist and interact with one another — and then, within each of us, there occurs a creative interpretation of reality that may or may not bear any resemblance to objective reality or to the creative interpretation of others. Our ongoing emotional and ideological responses reflect who we think we are and what we think is going on. That creates our inner movie — a refracted reflection of reality that serves as the foundation upon which we base our actions and reactions in our shared world. The implications of this are enormous.

When we become too insulated in our own little world, we lose contact with other people and lose sight of the importance of their wants and needs, hopes and dreams and and their ability to contribute to our shared world. We also tend not to notice how our way of being is impacting them. One of life’s greatest challenges is striking a balance between living in our very own unique world and cohabitating in a shared world — bearing responsibility for our contribution. So, I have two questions for you:

  1. What goes on in the theater of your mind?
  2. What are you contributing to our shared world?

We have a tendency to think in polarities: “I am right and you are wrong if you disagree with me.” Many of us go about our lives assuming that our inner movie is pretty darn close to objective reality, that anyone whose inner movie tells them otherwise is way off the mark. It takes some skill, wisdom, sensitivity, compassion and humility to recognize that we are each a product of our unique blend of nature and nurture — not inherently better or worse than others, but different. Even identical twins have their dissimilarities. Each of us lives what we believe and what we learn. As in Rumi’s allegory about the blind men and the elephant, no two people have the exact same point of view. As a result, we see what we see. It can be difficult to convince us otherwise.

The fact is, we can’t get anywhere near the whole picture until we get out of our own little monologue and truly listen to, and take into consideration, the point of view of others. It is very easy to jump to conclusions about the thoughts, beliefs, motivation and actions of others — based solely on our own interpretation. It can be very educational and yield far better results to consider what movies others are watching and why.

How often have you gotten into a misunderstanding in your business or personal life where one person misread the other’s motives, intentions or integrity? It happens all the time. I remember a time when I was working in Corporate America and there was a major change of management in my division. I happened to run into our new leader at the elevator one day, and he asked me, “Are they keeping you busy over there?” I naively responded with honesty: “Unfortunately no, and that concerns me.” The next day I arrived at work to find that my boss was in our division head’s office fighting to save my job. The big boss wanted me fired for insubordination. He settled for an apology which I gave, knowing that I didn’t owe him one but needing to keep my job. How different that experience might have been, had he taken my words as sincere and wanted to know more about why I felt as I did. After all, I was telling him that — as one of his resources — I was being underutilized.

It’s good to get out and about from your own inner theater. If you don’t, your myopic focus is likely to make you a very selfish and self-centered person, who contributes little positive nature to the rest of the world. Get out! Be challenged, and enrich your point of view through intentional and meaningful exposure to the worlds that others live in. Try caring about the well-being of others, even if you don’t know them. It is essential to consider that the inner movies of others are worth taking into account when trying to get along and play nice.

Consider the collective impact of our selfishness. Just as my new division head missed the opportunity to make me a more productive member of his team, we do the very same thing when we dismiss the needs and concerns of others. Just imagine what we could create, promote and allow in our collective world if we understood the power of loving, caring and sharing as ways to unite and empower us all. When we silence and suppress one another, as in political debates, we miss the point. When we contribute our knowledge and skills to creating a collective, where all individuals are fully supported in being productive members of society, we build a rich and rewarding shared world.

I think we go way off track when we interact primarily from our mind and ego and place our concern on getting other people to agree with us. When we encounter differences in opinion from this point of view, we attempt to dominate and silence one another. When we allow ourselves to also connect through our hearts and souls, we seek to understand, to care and to find a solution and a way to participate that serves the highest good of all concerned. Whether disagreeing with our partner, or those who vote differently than us, we need to learn how to appreciate, support, embrace and be kind to those who walk to the beat of a different drum.

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Finding a Deeper Love This Valentine’s Day

With the romantic hype of Valentine’s Day, it is easy to get caught up in judgment about our own “love life” as we call it. Do I have someone to send me flowers and cards of adoration? Will someone be taking me out for a romantic evening? If not, we often see ourselves falling short — judging ourselves as undesirable, not good enough or a failure for not having a partner. “Poor me” we say.

While romantic love can be intoxicating and ever so delicious, there is a deeper kind of love that bars no participants. It is the generosity of heart that smiles at a stranger as a way of saying “I see you.” It is the kind of love that doesn’t keep score in a relationship, but rather allows us to embrace ourselves and our partner through the trials and triumphs of life. It is the kind of love that might say, “I love you and I am not liking your behavior.” It is the kind of love that is given first to ourselves through loving care of our body, mind and soul, with the overflow generously and unconditionally given to others. It is the kind of love that celebrates our oneness and honors our differences as we share our common humanity while each marching to the beat of our own particular drum — or flute or saxophone.

So, this Valentine’s Day, choose to participate as a dispenser of loving kindness regardless of your romantic love life. Do a few random acts of kindness just to spread some loving around. Do something nurturing for yourself. If you want more love, give more love — be loving not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day. Look through the eyes of love and you activate the energy of love within yourself. There is more loving available than you could ever “feel” or think you need. Reach into the depths of yourself and lavishly love yourself and others. It’s fun. It’s free. It’s infectious. It’s available for the choosing.

Here are some of my favorite quotations that celebrate this deeper kind of love:

If you can’t love somebody,

it’s best to say, ‘I don’t know who they are.’

That’s a clear, precise, and honest statement,

because if you don’t love someone,

you really don’t know who they are.

The person you criticize, the one you put down,

is not known to you.

Anyone who is truly known to you is loved.

–John-Roger with Paul Kaye

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

–H. L. Mencken

Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.

–Jean Anouilh

Go deeper than love, for the soul has greater depths,

love is like the grass, but the heart is deep wild rock

molten, yet dense and permanent.

Go down to your deep old heart, and lose sight of yourself.

And lose sight of me, the me whom you turbulently loved.

Let us lose sight of ourselves, and break the mirrors.

For the fierce curve of our lives is moving again to the depths

out of sight, in the deep living heart.

–D.H. Lawrence

. . . like the earth, that brings forth flowers

in summer, and love, but underneath is rock.

Older than flowers, older than ferns, older than foraminiferae,

older than plasm altogether is the soul underneath.

And when, throughout all the wild chaos of love

slowly a gem forms, in the ancient, once-more-molten rocks

of two human hearts, two ancient rocks, . . .

that is the crystal of peace, the slow hard jewel of trust,

the sapphire of fidelity.

The gem of mutual peace emerging from the wild chaos of love.

–D.H. Lawrence

Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience.

–M. Scott Peck

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

–Mother Teresa

Be universal in your love.

You will see the universe to be the picture of your own being.

–Sri Chinmoy

Love is the affinity which links and draws together the elements of the world…

Love, in fact, is the agent of universal synthesis.

–Pierre Teilhard De Chardin

The minute I heard my first love story

I started looking for you, not knowing

how blind that was.

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.

They’re in each other all along.

–Rumi

It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand in the center of the Fire with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,

and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

–Oriah Mountain Dreamer

A relationship is about movement, growth;

it is a holy interpersonal environment for the evolution of two souls.

The changes it goes through as an entity in itself

are the measure of the changes being undertaken by the individuals in it.

What we ask of our relationships is the measure of what they ask of us,

and of what, in time, we will each become.

–Daphne Rose Kingma

My love for you has no strings attached.

I love you for free.

–Tom Robbins

For one human being to love another human being:

that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us,

the ultimate task, the final test and proof,

the work for which all other work is merely preparation.

–Rainer Maria Rilke

May all beings be happy and at their ease.

May they be joyous and live in safety.

All beings, whether weak or strong B omitting none B

in high, middle, or low realms of existence,

small or great, visible or invisible,

here or far away,

born or to be born:

may all beings be happy and at their ease.

–Buddha

Happy Valentine’s Day, and happy More Loving-Kindness Consciousness Everyday to us all!

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A Spiritual Perspective On Greed

“If I am not for myself, then who will be for me?
And if I am only for myself, then what am I?
And if not now, when?” — Rabbi Hillel

“The problem which divides people today is not a political problem;
it is a social one.
It is a matter of knowing which will get the upper hand,
the spirit of selfishness or the spirit of sacrifice;
whether society will go for ever-increasing enjoyment and profit,
or for everyone devoting themselves to the common good.” — Frederic Ozanam

We are social beings confronted with the fact that while many of us do as we please without concern for others, we cannot do so without affecting them. No matter how we isolate ourselves or ignore the plight of others, we still live in a web of relationships where our actions have consequences.

When resources are perceived to be limited, greed is an ethical issue whereby claiming
more for one’s self is done at the expense of others. Whether apportioning pieces of mother’s apple pie or the world’s crude oil reserves, the division of finite resources has consequential impact on all. How resources are distributed within a society is a function of its sense of separation or wholeness and its inclination toward internal competition or cooperation. This sets the moral tone of a society. When individuals disengage from concern for one another by becoming increasingly competitive, manipulative, and self-serving, morality is eroded.

Currently, we are socially programmed to believe that “more is better.” This perpetuates the illusion that one who has more is more valuable and successful than one who has less. We are taught that our self worth is contingent upon external standards of competition and accumulation of stuff. This consumes us in an insatiable quest for status driven by escalating desires. What one “needs” is no longer simply a matter of survival, but an expression of one’s ego as it seeks to distinguish itself from others striving to acquire the label “successful.” The urge to “measure up” propels us into a repetitive cycle of greed, seeking satisfaction and fulfillment through material gain. This drama is rooted in a “consciousness of lack.” Snared in greed’s grip, we are blind to the need to build community around a higher purpose than mere self-interest and material accumulation.

According to psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg, within the normal course of human development one evolves morally past the egocentricity of childhood into broader social perspectives, acquiring increasing sensitivity to the needs of others. However, his model assumes a social environment that encourages this process of moral development. Looking at American society today, it is apparent that many powerful societal forces including individualism, materialism, competition, capitalism, and the monetary measurement of success combine to stimulate our greed which in turn inhibits our moral maturation. There is nothing inherently wrong with material success and pleasures. However, when an entire society places too much emphasis on them, it pays the price of inclining its members toward moral and spiritual bankruptcy. Consumed by perceptions of lack, individuals and society as a whole turn their focus outward to patterns of unfulfilled desires rather than inward to the process of awakening awareness of the transcendental purpose of our lives.

A spiritual perspective on greed assumes belief in something greater than the identification of ourselves as merely bodies with personalities. It necessitates belief in something transcendent with which we ultimately reconcile our thoughts and behaviors. Over 95 percent of Americans claim to believe in God or some higher power. Yet, belief can be anything from a mere intellectual leap of faith to the very foundation upon which one lives life. While a hollow “belief” does little for us, actively living life in relationship to God obliges us to come to terms with our own finite nature and to live our life as an expression of our relationship to this God or sacred purpose.

In Buddhism, there are three concepts of evil: greed which involves pulling things toward the self; anger which is pushing things away from the self; and ignorance which is the result. Similarly, the fundamental principle of Taoism is the existence of “Tao” or “the way” a natural order or oneness in the universe from which nothing can be separated. Taoism teaches that one lives successfully only by surrendering to and cooperating with this implicit order. This does not suggest passivity, but rather an active disengagement from illusions of desire. One learns that to desire anything other than that which is, or to manipulate events or relationships to achieve personally desired outcomes is to violate this natural order.

Spiritually, greed can be seen as an expression of impatience and a judgment against God as having failed or forgotten to adequately provide for us. When we misinterpret a perceived lack as evidence that God has abandoned or failed us, there is a temptation to align ourselves with something more tangible, material, and seemingly controllable. Material greed is one of the fundamental ways through which this desire for self-will expresses itself. Doubting the existence or benevolence of God, we seek to live independently of God’s will as the guiding principle of life. Feeling out of control and afraid of suffering, we fire God, attempt to usurp command and play God. This ultimate rebellion against authority is fundamentally a crisis of faith.

While the Ten Commandments primarily identify forbidden actions, greed and the other Seven Deadly Sins and their counterparts in non-Christian traditions are about wrongful desires that are “off course” — that is, out of alignment with God or goodness or the Tao of life. Becoming ensnared in patterns of wrongful desire creates separation from others and from God.

Religious and spiritual teachings are filled with guidance on practicing generosity and gratitude rather than greed. For example, in Deuteronomy 26:1, people are obligated to bring the first annual fruits of the land to the Temple in thanks and gratitude to God.

Buddha teaches about freedom from addictions and desires. The essential dilemma of human life, as Buddha presents it, is that people get caught in time craving and desiring such transient things as beauty, youth, money, power, and the illusion of independence. When we become fixated upon these, we demand and pursue their fulfillment. This kind of attachment causes suffering because, in essence, we are attempting to make time stand still in order to gain a sense of power and control over our world.

In Christian teachings, greed is one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse appearing in the second of John’s seven visions where the consciousness is cleared and lifted by overcoming false types of thinking. The establishment of right thinking occurs through a reversal from an outward to an inward pursuit of happiness.

It seems that life is ironically yet exquisitely designed to teach us lessons through polar opposites. For example, we come to know light only through the presence of darkness. And greed’s opportunity is not through its fulfillment, but rather in recognizing its presence as feedback that we are moving further away from the true source of happiness in our lives.

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Embracing the Truth of the Permanently Impermanent

Whenever we view something as permanent, reliable and unchangeable, we eventually find that time or the alteration of the parameters of our perspective reveal an underlying impermanence. For example, many people say that the only things one can count on are death and taxes. However, those who believe in reincarnation refute the finality of death and many escape from the inevitability of taxes through loopholes. Even gravity, which we take as a given on planet Earth, is not universal in outer space. The very cells of our bodies regenerate on a regular basis.

In the physical world, we think of rocks and mountains as immutable. Yet, vast changes happen over time. A beach you went to as a child may have since disappeared, and over millions of years the erosion by the Colorado River created the Grand Canyon.

It is unfortunate that whatever we are inclined to see as constant in the natural world eventually inspires us to exploit it. Conceivably, concern for the precarious nature of our lives motivates us to conquer our environment so that we may experience the thrill of control and triumph. What is it that makes the pervasive impermanence in our lives so frightening? Maybe it is because it is so non-negotiable and therefore seems to undermine our self-importance.

Emotionally, many of us yearn for permanence by seeking to alter the terms and conditions of our lives. We dream of utopias where only good and happy things come our way. We want financial security and happy families, good health, and access to the fountain of youth. When we find a deep and abiding friendship or love, we want it to retain its intensity and deliciousness. Often, we resort to manipulating our loved ones and ourselves to perpetuate the exhilaration. Yet the tighter our grip, the faster its fleet.

What becomes permanent is often only that which has solidified in our minds — our prejudices, habits, beliefs and inclinations. But, like rock, these too can be altered if we use wisdom. However, as long as our myopic vision persists, we tend to live in a fixed, uncompromising relationship with the world around us. Those who disagree with us are likely to be perceived as wrong, their viewpoints discredited as inferior and therefore not meriting consideration. Such a dynamic all too often rules our politics and our most intimate relationships. When we live this way it is as though we dance a rigid box step rather than fluidly and expansively expressing our being.

Thomas Jefferson thought that truth and beauty were immutable. Ironically, this cannot be objectively proven since the non-material is experienced subjectively through our inner awareness and experience. One’s beliefs and point of view may seem validated by similar observations or experiences of others, but such proof is a personal, not a collective matter. So, perhaps it is not truth and beauty themselves that are permanent, but rather our quest for them and our desire to transfix them.

There is, of course, another way of relating to the impermanence of our lives. Although we live in an outer world that is defined by time and space, the air we breathe and the sights we see, we also live in an inner world of reactions to our reality in the form of the mental constructs and emotional patterns we create. For example, when I get a hair permanent, it only lasts three or four months despite its name. Yet, I resent this and feel that it should last longer. Ah, there’s that red flag word “should” — a sure sign that those who use it do not accept the present circumstances of their lives. When we use “should” we disapprove, resist, and resent that we must live as mere mortals and tolerate what we do not like. Ironically, we become attached to those things we resist.

However, when we harness our discomforts differently, we may use them as steppingstones to attain a more mature state of consciousness. Recognizing that within our interior world we have a far greater opportunity to change the quality of our lives. By merely altering our external circumstances, we learn to focus on our reactions rather than on what we are reacting to. Instead of ranting, raving and resisting that which is unpleasant or outside our control, we can surrender into and embrace the experience. This has two primary benefits. First, it allows us to disconnect our sense of well-being from our ability to manipulate and control the outside world. Second, it teaches us how to create a sense of inner well-being by tuning into the fact that each characteristic of the world we live in also teaches us how to live in relationship with it. For example, the duality of permanence and impermanence offers us a lesson in patience, surrender, cooperation and acceptance.

Consider, for example, that our society teaches that marriage should last forever. Yet, over half end in divorce and so the parameters of “forever” have changed. At the turn of the 20th century, due to a shorter life expectancy, “forever” might have lasted only 20 to 30 years. Today, “forever” for a first marriage entered in the 20s, might mean as long as 60 or 70 years. Given our changing gender roles and our tendency to resist different points of view, the expectation of permanence of relationships might not be a realistic goal for most couples, despite their religious beliefs. Some find it wiser to accept the precarious nature of relationships and seek longevity not through rigid roles and rules, but by learning to shoot the rapids of life together. By balancing their strengths and weaknesses, cultivating curiosity, accepting each other’s differences, and learning to compromise and cooperate, they are able to build inner flexibility and strength as individuals and the bond of their love grows stronger as it matures. In so doing, whether their marriage lasts a short time or a lifetime, the quality of their experience is greatly enriched and valued more dearly than the duration of the relationship.

Since impermanence is the only permanent feature of our lives on planet Earth, we ought to work with it rather than against it. Embracing change might be the greatest stress reducer we’ll ever find.

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The Problem with the Past and the Future

How much time do you spend dwelling on the past or worrying about the future? These mental and emotional creations are all figments of your imagination — mockups of how reality might be different. Meanwhile, reality is staring you right in the face, and your attention is not present to deal with it. When you spend too much of your time and attention creating more shoulda-woulda-couldas, your disappointments and anticipations just keep piling up while your life passes you by. Let’s take a look at why we do this and how we can get far more satisfaction out of life by staying present in the here and now.

Plain and simple: if your consciousness isn’t in the present moment, then you lose the opportunity to participate in the experiences and choices that are present right. Since you can only take action in the present moment, when you focus on the past or future, you are not available to participate in the present. Then your life happens based on whatever autopilot settings you have in place because you are not there to direct your actions and experiences.

When we focus on the past or the future, it is usually because we are not at peace with them. Instead, we are looking at them through a veil of frustration, worry, judgment, fear and illusions. Unable to accept the past or lacking confidence in our own ability to handle the future, we end up mistaking our negative mental and emotional creations for reality. Burdened by our own negativity, we often wreak havoc in our relationships. For example, when we can’t handle what is going on in our life, some of us project our accumulated fears and anxiety onto someone else, and that’s what we see when we look at that person. I had someone do this to me to the point that the “me” she called by my name was a complete figment of her imagination and there was no sense trying to set her straight, because she refused to be confused by facts. The “me” she envisioned bore no resemblance to the person I know myself to be. It caused so many problems that I had to eventually stop all contact with her. Did you ever have someone do that to you? Did you ever do this to someone else? In a way, we all do this to some extent as we interpret each other through our own perceptual filters. In the extreme, it becomes farther and farther removed from reality and is unhealthy and dangerous.

If you are spending your precious time and energy worrying about the past and/or the future, it is probably creating problems in your relationships with others as well as your relationship with yourself. Here are some ideas to get free so you can fully participate in the present without your pleasant personality taking a hiatus.

Worrying About the Past:

Without a doubt, the past is gone. Unfortunately, when we carry it with us every day, our hurt feelings, judgments and anger keep recycling within us. We try to put a stop to it through pronouncements about the future, declaring, “I will never let _____ happen again!” These efforts at controlling our life are largely wishful thinking. So, unless you feel totally at peace with yourself, make it a daily or weekly routine to ask yourself these questions:

  • What unresolved pieces of my past am I carrying with me today?
  • Why am I still carrying that?
  • What do I need to do to let it go?

Make it a priority in your life to lighten the load you carry by letting go of what has happened in the past.

Worrying About the Future:

The more time we spend worrying about what might happen in the future, the less time, focus and energy we have to contribute to creating what we want now. Worrying is a way of investing in not getting what we want. It produces the opposite of what we wish would happen. When we hold images and thoughts in our mind of things going “wrong” (i.e., not the way we imagine would be the best outcome), we are literally feeding our energy into the undesirable outcome. When you find yourself worrying about something, here are two constructive actions to take:

  1. Bring to mind the image of what you would like to have happen. See it in great detail. See yourself in the picture feeling the way you would like to be feeling. If you are someone who prays, then simply pray that this or something better come forward for you and for the highest good of all concerned. Alternatively, simply let the image go once you have fully embraced what you want to create, promote and allow to come forward in your life.
  2. Having created a mock-up of what you would like to bring forward in your life, ask yourself, “What can I do right now to contribute to bringing this forward?’ and do that. Connect the dots of your present and future by walking the talk of what you want to bring forward in your life.

The only opportunity we have to take action in our lives is in the present moment. The more we free ourselves from our thoughts and feelings about the past and future, the more of our time and focus we will have available to invest in what we want to create, promote and allow into our lives and the healthier we will be in our relationships with others. Mental and emotional freedom yield great happiness.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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How Close Is Your Reality to Reality?

One of the most fascinating things about life is that each person lives and experiences life through a unique set of filters which create a one-of-a-kind “reality.” One’s personal world view may or may not bear much resemblance to what is actually going on. For example, a person who is colorblind “sees” different colors than the majority would identify. One who is prejudiced against a particular group of people ascribes attributes to an individual of that group that may or may not be true reflections of that person. We rely heavily (perhaps too heavily) on what we “see” while seldom checking whether our perceptions are accurate. Perhaps this is why one of the first rules of effective communication is to get verification from the other person that what you heard is what they said. Sometimes we read so much between the lines that we can’t really hear what is being said.

In addition to our personal perceptual twists and turns, there are multiple layers of external influences that color our view of reality. Parents typically teach their children to view the world as they do — spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, politically, financially, etc. What is familiar seems right or normal — sometimes even when being manipulated or abused by others. One’s gender, social status, place in history, religion, culture, ethnicity, social norms etc. all color our sense of reality and tend to present us with a “we are right and others who don’t agree with us are wrong” point of view.

Human consciousness can be either a myopic and stagnant point of view or a living and potentially evolving state of awareness and wisdom. What we see and experience in this world is an accurate reflection of our state of consciousness.

As a philosophy major in college, I was first introduced to the thought that there are multiple levels of human consciousness and the possibility of ascending to a higher perspective — like climbing a mountain and seeing new vistas unavailable at lower altitudes. This mind altering awareness came to me when studying Plato’s allegory of the cave found in The Republic, which explores the nature of justice. Plato describes prisoners, representative of the mass of humanity, sitting in chains that limited their focus to the wall in front of them. Between the prisoners and a fire that burned behind them, puppeteers walked with puppets and objects that cast shadows on the wall in front of the prisoners. Seeing and hearing shadows and echoes cast by objects that they do not see was their only reality. They knew nothing of the real causes of the shadows and echoes that formed their reality. One of them was released and was then able to see the puppets and the fire and to recognize the world of the prisoners as merely shadows — reflections of a larger reality. As he further ascended out of the cave, he was blinded by the sun until acclimated to the light. When he returned to share his discovery with the remaining prisoners, he was blinded by the darkness and was therefore perceived as inferior by the others due to his lesser eyesight in their world and his strange tales that did not match their reality.

How often do we shun and vilify someone with an enlightened point of view that challenges our sense of reality? How often do we shoot the messenger in an attempt to silence the very thoughts that could set us free?

Being introduced to Plato’s allegory of the cave was the first time I had ever questioned my own sense of reality. During our discussions, my brain sometimes hurt from being stretched so much as we speculated about reality and reflection. Was I, like the prisoners in Plato’s cave, accepting without question or discernment what I perceived in life and what I was taught by my parents and teachers? Did I have myopic vision, as Plato’s prisoners did, that blinded me from entertaining other points of view? Did I even know how to think for myself? I wondered if we were all just brainwashed by what was familiar to us and whether or not our reality was simply being manipulated by others for their advantage, rather than for our mutual highest good. How were we to know what to challenge and what to accept as true? I had lots of questions and each question seemed to birth others in its wake. I had never really thought about any of this before.

Do you ever question your sense of reality? Or, do you assume that “your reality” is reality? As Plato suggests, the world we perceive through our senses is an inferior mock-up of what is really going on. He further proposes that reality can only be comprehended through the mind and that true teachers do not transfer knowledge to their students, but rather serve as wayshowers pointing students in the direction of apprehending for themselves what is real and important. Plato believed that those who are enlightened in a society bear a moral responsibility to serve the rest of society by showing them the way to ascend to a higher perspective. Who are your teachers? Where are they leading you? Are they empowering you or blinding you?

Plato’s commentary on the human condition cautions us that reality is not always what it seems to be on the surface. He urges us to keep our minds open to possibilities beyond what our senses can experience. Is your thinking boxed in or are you curious and learning all the time? Do you pay most of your attention to the minutia of daily life and the current political and social scene, or do you contemplate the really big questions of life like:

  • What does it mean to live life successfully and how well am I living my life?
  • What kind of relationships am I creating, promoting and allowing in my life?
  • What is the purpose of human life?
  • What is the purpose of my life?
  • Where does our breath come from?
  • Does God exist? And, if so, how does that inform my life and how I live it?
  • Is there a whole lot more going on here than meets my eyes?

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

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Finding Your Groove

“Good and quickly seldom meet.”
— Anonymous

Do you move through space and time too fast, too slow or just right? Do you find yourself rushing about or dragging yourself around? Why is it so important to pay attention to this? When we step out of that pace and find ourselves either rushing about like a chicken with its head cut off, or dragging ourselves around like dead weight, life can be very challenging. Paying attention to your inner feedback and the responses from your universe can assist you in finding your optimum pace.

When we rush, it is usually because we have either been procrastinating, or are setting unrealistic expectations. Here are several things that happen when we rush around and try to do too much at once:

  • We behave clumsily, dropping things and having mini-accidents like stubbing a toe, or in some cases major accidents.
  • We tend to commit more mistakes and as a result become less efficient rather than more (which is often our goal when in a rush).
  • We become more forgetful.
  • We drive much too fast, to “save time.”
  • We find ourselves frustrated and agitated by things that would normally be within our tolerance level. As a result we can become short-tempered and make “mountains out of molehills.”
  • We tend to feel burdened and overwhelmed, rather than enjoy our lives.

Sound familiar? But what happens when you rush around faster than what is comfortable for you? Are the few extra minutes you might gain worth the price you pay?

Rushing around really doesn’t get us where we want to be any faster. In fact, it just makes us feel out of sorts, unpleasant to be around, feeding into the increased probability that we will have some sort of accident.

The good news is that it is very easy to re-enter your comfort zone once you see what you are doing. Here are my favorite ways to recapture my sense of well-being:

  • The mere act of observation, gives you the opportunity to make another choice.
  • Once you see what you are doing, you can take a mental picture of yourself and have a good laugh.
  • Try coming to a complete stop, taking a few deep breaths and reprioritizing what needs to be done.
  • Remind yourself that life is precious and when you are rushing around you are not enjoying the journey of your life. Make it a point to smell some roses and lilacs, or delight in the smile of a child or passerby.

On the flip side, you have probably noticed that you are not typically very happy when you are going more slowly than your comfortable pace. It is very easy to fall into the habit of vegging out, playing computer games, watching TV or falling prey to some other mindless distraction while ignoring all the things you need to be doing. We all need to tune out from time to time, but when it becomes our way of life, it’s worth taking a closer look and considering the alternatives. Here’s what I have noticed happens when we drag ourselves around:

  • Usually there is some mental or emotional challenge present that we are having difficulty dealing with and so we avoid it with these behaviors.
  • Low energy tends to result in isolating ourselves and feeling disconnected from others.
  • Lethargy has a cumulative impact that results in making excuses for not going to the gym or choosing less healthy foods because we can’t be bothered cooking a healthier meal for ourselves.
  • We become self-judgmental when we are not keeping up with the pace of our life for more than a few hours or a day here and there.

What else happens to you when you fall into the blahs?

Here are my favorite remedies for moving out of lethargy and back into the swing of things:

  • Talk to yourself and be ruthlessly honest about what you are avoiding. See if you can figure out one or two baby steps you could take that would move you in the direction of resolving the issue and talk yourself into doing those things.
  • Negotiate with yourself. Make a to do list and choose three to five things that you really need to do, striking deals like, “If I get up and do the dishes right now, I can play another five games of solitaire without feeling guilty.”
  • Pull in the reins on yourself and hold yourself accountable by monitoring the amount of sleep you get, the foods you are eating and your physical activity. Once those are back in balance, your energy will bounce right back.

Life appears easier when we are in the groove of our own pace and so very stressful when we are out of it. Being out of sync may not be the biggest problem in our life, but the discomfort it generates can often be avoided by checking in and taking corrective action when we get out of our groove.

Finally, when you notice that you are in your groove, going with the flow of life and enjoying your journey, pay attention to how you created that and do more and more of that. Turn on your cruise control and enjoy the ride.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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The Truth About Writer’s Block

I don’t choose to experience “writer’s block” which I see as simply a matter of faulty perception. It is a mislabeling of a very natural part of the ebb and flow of the writing process. To say “I have writer’s block” is to judge a temporary or permanent absence of writing momentum and productivity as wrong and therefore to see oneself as a failure in some way. The process of writing is an intricate interplay of conscious and unconscious dynamics and what actually lands on the page is a small part of it all. When we label and judge that process, we interfere with its natural flow and take a position of againstness with ourselves. It’s all in how you look at it.

When a writer declares that he or she is experiencing writer’s block, it is like grabbing hold of a fear (Fantasy Expectation Appearing Real) and fueling it with emotional distress. A way to reframe this is to simply trust that what appears to be a dry spell is a normal part of the process of being a writer and that either you need time to be away from the writing focus or that the process is largely unconscious at that time. Each writer has to make peace with this by finding their own particular rhythm and honoring that. For example, what works for me is not to have any rigid writing schedule, but rather to let the words come to me — and they always do — sooner or later. When working on a deadline, whether self-imposed or not, I never lose sight of the deadline, it is always there, but I don’t beat myself up with it if time keeps passing and nothing is getting on paper. I’ll notice that the topic is alive in me — turning this way and that finding its way to the paper. It takes a lot of trust to let this be. So far, it has never failed me.

I have lots of books and articles and projects on the back burner and no fear of running out of things to write about. I know that each piece of writing has a life of its own. For example, I have a poem that I started at the age of 16 that rumbles around in my head from time to time looking for its ending. I know it will end someday, but hasn’t so far. That’s not a problem to me — just a reality. I also keep what I call a “dump” file for each project and whether I am actively working on it or not, I capture ideas and information there.

In addition to building a strong bond of trust with yourself, here are some other keys to maintaining a good relationship with yourself as a writer:

  • Just Do It: There is a point at which every writer just has to sit down and write. Whether you write for five minutes or five hours straight doesn’t matter, but if you are going to be a writer, you have to sit down and write.
  • Write With Freedom and Abandon, Then Edit Ruthlessly: It is important to give yourself permission to write whatever comes up without any judgment. Just focus on capturing your thoughts and ideas — forget about grammar, structure and eloquence. Just get a hold of whatever comes up. Then, just as Michelangelo described the sculpting process as discovering a statue inside every block of stone, each writer must ruthlessly revise and refine a piece of work until pleased with it.
  • Get Out of Your Own Way: If you get into a pattern of negativity and beating up on yourself when writing, find a way to be more loving with yourself and do not feed the negativity.
  • Patience: Writing takes enormous patience. As with any other art form, you are constantly revising and refining your work. For an artist the equation is never time is money, but rather “do I feel complete with this piece? Is it my best effort given the time I have available?”
  • Flexibility, Cooperation and Balance: There is always some level of agitation just under the surface that propels a writer forward giving momentum to the working process. But there are always other forces at work and writing is only one of many activities in an individual’s life. Finding your own rhythm and being willing to cooperate with the other elements of life that often seem to intrude on the writer’s solitary endeavor are like moving between shooting the rapids and gliding along on calm waters, never quite knowing which is going to present itself and when. Experience teaches us all to go with the flow and somehow that seems to yield maximum inner peace and outward productivity.
  • Keeping a Sense of Humor and Humility: I’ve learned never to take myself too seriously as a writer. I do my best and need to laugh at myself from time to time when I give too much importance to what I write. If people get value from what I write, that’s great and positive feedback is extremely gratifying. However, while writing is ultimately about communication, I find it very funny that I don’t write to communicate, but rather because I simply need to write — I am compelled to do so. If the end product of my endeavors is of value to others, that’s great, but the solitary process of engaging in the art form itself is entirely for me and I think that is pretty funny.
  • Letting Go of the Illusion of Control: A really good writer is never in control of the writing process. You may find that having a rigid schedule works well for you or you might be someone who writes when the spirit moves you to do so. Either way, a good writer taps into the wellspring of human consciousness and like love, you can’t make that happen on demand.

Is writing challenging? Absolutely! However, it is a great way to learn some profound lessons in life and to be of service to others.

If you would like to know more about me and my work, please explore my website here.

Also, if you know anyone who might get value from this article please email or retweet it or share it on Facebook.

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