Archive for month: September, 2019

3 Truths: Mine, Yours, and Empirical Reality

Two of the biggest mistakes we make in figuring out what is going on in our lives are:

  • to assume that our perceptions of reality match empirical reality. 
  • to assume that anyone who disagrees with us is simply wrong.

One of the great ironies of life is that no two people see anything exactly the same way.

Rumi taught the teaching story depicted above about four blind men encountering an elephant. Consider the significance of the following points:

  • Each one encounters a different part of the elephant because the elephant is too large for anyone of them to fully know all at once.
  • They are all blind.
  • The “truth” of what an elephant is does not change as a result of their various points of view.

Each one of us functions the way we do as a result of our unique journey being who we are. Some of us get quite stuck and set in our ways, while others remain open – learning, evolving, and changing.

Relationships get really complicated in this context. We perceive ourselves and each other through our unique information filtering processes. 

Within my family dynamic was a toxic relationship between my sister and me. My mother once told me that when my sister first laid eyes on me, she looked at me with such vile hatred that my mother felt a heightened need to protect me from her. Those who believe in karma and reincarnation might think this issue predated this lifetime. Nonetheless, this drama contaminated the entire family. 

As an adult, I noticed that whenever I saw my brother after he had been visiting with my sister, it was as though he had become infected with her perception of me, and he would treat me as though her judgments of me were the truth. I remember having a conversation with him and asking if the me my sister spoke to him about bore any resemblance to the me he knew through personal experience. Bewildered, he admitted, “No.” 

Simply, one was a figment of her imagination, and the other was how my brother actually experienced me. And, of course, I had my own perception of who I was, and none of those points of view were identical. Life is really very complicated. Sorting out our respective truths and what they are based upon can help us have greater compassion and understanding for one another.

The fact of the matter is that no two people will experience and understand a shared experience in exactly the same way. Ironically, the empirical is often less significant than the ability of those having different points of view to seek understanding of each other. Next time you are baffled by another person’s point of view, try looking through their eyes, and see if you can get them to take a look through yours as well.

For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here.  If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!

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What’s Wrong with Right/Wrong Thinking?

Until we become aware of how our internal data processing determines the reality we perceive, we think we are reacting to an external reality rather than determining what that reality appears to be

For most of us, our socialization includes indoctrination into a binary model of consciousness. In other words, we are taught to sort people and experiences into right/wrong, beautiful/ugly, desirable/undesirable, good/bad, and so on. In fact, life is far more complex and messy than that. Learned biases and preferences short-circuit the process of developing curiosity about those differences that we are taught to reject. There is a built-in bias against diversity in this way of encountering unfamiliar people and experiences. Therefore, diversity requires a new way of perceiving beyond our autopilot right/wrong sorting process. In a binary approach there are only two choices. That means if we encounter someone who is different, we can’t both be “right” or “OK.” As a result, we develop very narrow tolerances for differences, rather than nurturing our curiosity and openness to all kinds of people and experiences.

The best way to tame your inclination to judge anyone who is different than you or any experience you don’t like is to become really curious and to call upon your inner detective. When we are quick to judge, we shut ourselves down. We also close ourselves off from additional information available to us. And our myopic view blinds us from alternative ways of seeing ourselves, the other person, and the situation itself.

When we become curious, we open ourselves up, and draw ourselves closer to those we don’t understand rather than shutting them out or pushing them away. 

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it can save us from many a faulty assumption, preconceived notion, and narrow-minded interpretation of our shared reality. It is also the vital key to rising above the limitations of right/wrong thinking.

By about the age of five or six, we have the foundation of our self-image in place, and we begin to unconsciously protect, conceal, or improve our image of ourselves and to become competitive with the self-images of others. We spend most of our time focused outwards through our self-image as we navigate our way through the world and relate to the imagined self-images being projected by others.

We learn to live in a world that is a collective figment of our imaginations in which we attempt to defend and elevate our      status relative to that of others. 

We selectively filter our perceptions in such a way that we see things that support our existing beliefs and filter out things that do not agree with our way of seeing things. Learning how to become more conscious of our own unique data sorting process is essential to mastering the art of being who we authentically are.

Thriving involves consciously and intentionally developing our ability to override our usual way of being and perceiving. It requires looking within rather than being drawn to an external focus by the dominance of visual sensory input we receive. It means cultivating a non-judgmental perspective towards differences and an awareness of a level upon which we are all the same. This requires cultivation of a childlike curiosity rather than a defensive and competitive stance regarding our perceptions versus those of others. 

Next time you encounter someone or something that threatens your preconceived notions of how things are and should be from your point of view, practice developing greater tolerance of differences and curiosity about how others see and experience our shared world. See if you can expand your comfort zone by choosing a both/and rather than an either/or state of mind. Instead of making different perspectives wrong, inquire and invite dialogue for the purpose of gaining a deeper appreciation for other points of view. The simple fact is that differences do exist. They don’t have to be perceived as a threat to our differing point of view. It’s how we choose to respond to that fact that makes all the difference in the world about our ability to peacefully co-exist or to wage wars against each other.

For further insight into mastering the art of being you, read more here.  If you’re feeling social, I also provide daily wisdom and tidbits on my Instagram account. Give me a follow so we can thrive together!

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When a Difference of Opinion Threatens a Friendship

What happens when you have a significant difference of opinion with someone you care deeply about? How do you evaluate what is going on? How do you treat each other? What kind of outcome can you expect? 20/20 hindsight gives us a much clearer understanding than what we see in the midst of a heated disagreement.

Here’s what I think is important to consider in dealing with a heated disagreement with someone you deeply care about:  

1. You are not seeing the same situation the same way.

  • Each person experiences the shared situation through the filter of their own expectations, assumptions, past experiences, beliefs, wounds, and habitual patterns of behavior.
  • Given our unique filtering process, we do not see the same situation the same way. While there is a certain objective reality to what has occurred, there are also two distinct perceptions of reality that may be similar or vastly different.

2. Each person has their own habitual ways of reacting.

  • It is helpful to observe yourself and the other person to see your respective reaction patterns. Are either of you copping an attitude and harsh judgment of the other? If so, by viewing the situation through that filter you are probably refusing to consider the other person’s point of view. If you are caught in a pattern of judging and rejecting the other person as the cause of your distress, you are likely selectively interpreting what is happening to prove yourself right rather than to reach across the great divide to the other person. Do you judge and reject the other person, or are you open to finding out what the other person is experiencing? Are you willing to discuss what is happening, or do you shut the other person out? Do your feelings get hurt? Do you get angry? Do you keep trying to explain your point of view, even if the other person doesn’t want to hear it or is incapable of hearing it? 

3.  The way out is not by making one person right and the other one wrong.

  • When we blame and judge the other person, we are attempting to be right and justified in holding them responsible for the discord and our upset. This typically results in an inability to even consider what the other person’s experience is and in selectively acknowledging and remembering only those aspects of the situation which support your myopic  point of view. 
  • Believing that you are right might feel good, but it only serves to maintain the divide between you.
  • Better than being right is being wise enough to seek understanding of the other person’s point of view in an effort to heal the situation.

4.  Behaviors have consequences.

  • How people treat each other matters deeply. If we are cruel and judgmental, we seed fear and distrust. If we are kind, we create safe places for us to be together. We are responsible for what we are creating, promoting, and allowing in our relationships and how our behavior impacts others around us as well. For example, parents who engage in a toxic relationship are poor role models for their children. Two friends who have a falling out create tension and drama in their shared community that is often unfair to one or the other.

5.  You are responsible for the choices you make. And sometimes when we get hot under the collar, we don’t make very good choices. Nonetheless, we are responsible for our attitudes and behaviors. 

I’m currently sorting my way through a disagreement that resulted in a 35-year precious friendship irreparably blowing up. I cannot speak to what the other person involved was experiencing and why she refused to try to heal what was happening. On my final appeal to her to do so, she responded, “Not in this lifetime.” No matter how unreasonable such a response might seem, I recognize that she has a right to make that choice. 

Each person has their own way of reacting to a difference of opinion where the outcome is particularly important to them. For example, I first became aware of the problem with my friend when she expressed anger and judgement towards me and blamed her unhappiness on me. I reacted with shock and kept trying to share my very different perspective on what was going on, but she refused to hear it. 

When one person refuses to seek healing and reconciliation, the other is forced to move forward without any shared resolution. For me, this is the hardest part  – to have no hope and to be left to grieve a friendship I treasured. But life doesn’t always make sense. Our relationship is over, and there is nothing more for me to do about that.  But there are life lessons for me to learn here about how I engage with others while remaining true to myself. Here are some of the things I am looking at: 

  • Did I do my best moving through this situation?
  • Was I compassionate about her distress?
  • In what ways did I respect or disrespect myself or her?
  • What was most difficult for me, and how did I handle that? 
  • Where could I have done better?
  • What do I need to do to support myself in processing what has just happened?
  • Am I willing to forgive us both for our inability to create a better outcome?
  • What would God have me learn from this to do better in the future?

None of us are perfect. I do believe that we are all doing the best we can, and this is what that looks like. All we can really ask of ourselves is to remain true to ourselves, be kind to each other, and stay open to learning our life lessons as we move through our experiences. Trials and tribulations are a natural part of life, and so it behooves us to build skill in meeting life’s challenges.

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Being of Two Minds

 Essentially, there are two contrasting frames of mind through which we perceive ourselves, our lives, environment, and each other. Leading edge thinkers in the field of human consciousness are encouraging us to do two things: 

  • Become familiar with how your ego functions.  Notice that it orients your perceptions so that you are focusing outward comparing and contrasting yourself with others and reacting with either cooperation or rebellion to external authorities such as parents and culture. 
  • Develop the ability to be alert and aware in the present moment. Practice coming to each new moment with a consciousness of neutrality (without preconceived notions of right and wrong). Tune into your own deepest truth and meet your experiences through that lens so you are living a more authentic life from the inside/out.

Think of these two states of mind existing on a continuum.  At any given moment, you are functioning somewhere along that range. What we typically refer to as “awakening” or “becoming more enlightened” involves moving along this scale towards a greater ability to be fully present.

However, this does not require that we annihilate our ego. Rather, we learn to transcend its limitations. Both states of consciousness are always present. The ego strengthens our sense of self as a separate and unique being. Our process of individuation from infancy to adulthood relies on the ego’s reinforcement. However, there is a point at which we either fall into the trap of thinking we are only our ego/personality or we begin to suspect and explore our suspicion that there is more going on here – another dimension of being beyond our physical senses and what we perceive through the ego. This typically is motivated by a yearning for greater authenticity – a desire to nourish a truer and deeper part of the self than what is being perceived through the ego.

Those who are working to raise their state of consciousness are increasing their ability to be fully present and decreasing their inclination to act primarily out of their ego. Exploring and strengthening this ability to perceive life through this other state of consciousness is often referred to as awakening, enlightenment, or reaching a higher state of consciousness. It is a kind of self-realization and empowerment – what I call in my work, mastering the art of being you. It is characterized by a kind of alert awareness in the present moment that enables us to experience more dimensions of the human experience and to master the art of being who we are and living according to what deeply matters to us. Alternatively, those who do not pursue this kind of awakening tend to remain stuck in a repetitive, self-fulfilling prophecy of their ego’s perceptions and desires.

The following chart provides a comparison of these two states of mind. 

Being of Two Minds

Ego Mind Fully-Present Awareness
The Immature Human BeingThe Awakened Human Being
Surviving Thriving
False Self/Personality True Self/Essence
Dualistic – Either/Or ThinkingCo-Existence – Both/And
Right/Wrong Polarized ThinkingNeutrality, Mental Spaciousness
SeparationInterconnected, Oneness
Outer Locus of Focus – Outside/InInner Locus of Focus – Inside/Out
Blaming and JudgingUnderstanding, Empathy
Past/Future OrientedAlert in the Present Moment
Self-Serving Concerned for Highest Good of All
Naming, Comparing, Competing Experiencing in a Neutral State
Doing, Trying, Controlling, Striving,
Alert		Simply Being, Aware, Receptive
Accumulating InformationTapping into Wisdom
Focused on Thoughts, Feelings,
Beliefs		Guided by Heartfelt Inner
Resonance 

*Our attitude is the bridge between these two states of mind. When we change our attitude or perceptual focus, we change our experience. 

Our egos are focused outside of ourselves and are all about preserving our sense of personal identity in this world – not only in and of ourselves, but in comparison and relationship to others. We perceive and register everything in terms of polarized thinking – I like this/I don’t like that; self/other; right/wrong; desirable/to be avoided. This process of categorizing our experiences relative to what we have known in the past or what we are seeking to create in the future directs us according to the perceived relative merit of the experience or person being encountered. We grade everything and compare our experiences to our expectations and desires. Our sense of well-being is conditional and fluctuates depending on what is happening in our outer lives. So, we go about life trying to control what comes our way and striving to manifest more happiness and less unhappiness. 

In contrast, when we are being fully present we are immersed in the experience of the present moment itself – suspending judgment and categorization. We do not filter out or avoid “undesirable” experiences and individuals, but rather learn how to be in their presence without losing our sense of well-being. We are not trying to sanitize our lives of all unpleasant experiences, but rather building the inner strength and wisdom to effectively encounter all of life. 

We live in a society that seduces us to seek validation and fulfillment outside ourselves. It does so without first nurturing us in getting to know ourselves. Most of us are not guided in developing the inner confidence, discernment, resilience, and inner infrastructure needed to effectively maintain our well-being, while navigating life’s ordinariness and challenging transitions. As a result, we often lose track of ourselves and experience all kinds of unnecessary frustrations, disappointments, sadness, self-doubt, and hopelessness that could have been avoided if we were only better acquainted with ourselves, and knew how to thrive in our own skin through all that life brings our way. 

It is important to learn how to distinguish between what we think we know through the filter of our ego and what we know to be true from a deeper place within us. This profound kind of knowing usually shows up effortlessly. For me, there is typically an inner calm that comes over me and a resonance within that recognizes truth when I encounter it. It feels like tapping into wisdom rather than learning information. 

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Is Your God Too Small?

couch with stained glass and domed ceilings

As a mentor and grief counselor, I hear a lot about people’s deepest beliefs and fears and how they are challenged when life gets hard. I am particularly fascinated by how those who profess a belief in god integrate that belief into their lives.

What does it mean to believe in god? In its broadest sense, it means having a worldview that includes the existence of god. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines god as “the Being perfect in power, wisdom, and goodness who is worshipped as creator and ruler of the universe.” Inherent in this definition is a hierarchical relationship to god in which we are inferior or less than god. Perhaps that accounts for our humanity and our inability to ever achieve perfection in our personal power, wisdom, and goodness.

Indeed, there are many things that we do not or cannot know. This is the territory of faith, trust, and surrender. Yet, some people lose faith in god when things happen that they do not understand or are unable to comprehend. For example, when a child dies. Some people lose their faith saying things like, “What kind of a god would let a child die?” Others give up on god because they cannot abide by the hard knocks they have encountered in their lives. They stop believing in god because they have a stronger belief that god has failed them. So, they fire god and declare themselves the god of their life. These gods are way too small.

When we require god to make sense to us, we limit god to our perceptual abilities. 

In his book, The Idea of the Holy, German theologian Rudolph Otto ponders how we are to stand in relationship to god. He concludes that we should stand before god in drop jaw awe – beyond words and concepts. I agree.  When we realize that god is beyond our comprehension, we stand at the edge of our unknowing either in fear or trust, depending on whether we imagine a wrathful or a loving god. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

ï         Why do I or don’t I believe in god?

ï         In what ways do I try to limit god?

ï         How is my relationship with god evident in how I live my life?

ï         Is your god unfathomable? If not, why not?

I would love to hear your thoughts about god. What do you believe and why?

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